The Big Hollywood Quiz

Jack Del Mar… Bowen Yang

Robert… Pedro Pascal

Jacqueline… Ego Nwodim

Mary… Chloe Fineman

Announcer: It’s time for the big Hollywood quiz. Here’s your host Jack Del Mar.

Jack: [singing] Light shines so brightly on Chaplin and garble
tonight we delight in James Dean and Jean Harlow
where legends of the past meet the stars of tomorrow
on the Big Hollywood Quiz

Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to the show that’s all about entertainments. Let’s meet our contestants. First Roberts is the professor of Film Studies at Tisch School of the arts.

Robert: Hi, Jack.

Jack: Next, Jacqueline is an entertainment writer for USA Today.

Jacqueline: Great to be here.

Jack: Finally, Mary hosts her own show on the history of Hollywood. What kind of show was it Mary?

Mary: It’s a podcast.

Jack: Oh, okay. Well, our categories are the movies, the shows, the stars, and Hooray. Robert, you’re first.

Robert: Thanks, Jack. We got to start with movies.

Jack: We got to this question is from the 1950s. In “All About Eve”, she famously said, “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Robert, you buzzed in first.

Robert: One and only, Betty Davis.

Jack: Yes, that’s $500. You’re on the board. Moving over to the shows. This one is from the 80s. In 1983, this TV show set during the Korean War had a finale watched by over 100 million viewers. Jacqueline.

Jacqueline: Mash, and it was watched by 106 million.

Jack: That’s it. $500 for you. Great job. Now let’s go over to the 2020s. This breakout hit is the current number one show on Netflix. It’s Ginny & …? [all three contestants are quiet] No one? It’s the most watched show on the most watched streaming service in the world. No? Gini & …?

Robert: Juice?

Jack: No. It was Gini & Georgia. Gini & Georgia season two.

Jacqueline: Is that from Europe?

Jack: No. It’s totally American. Okay, Robert, pick a catJacquelinery.

Robert: Let’s go to Hurray.

Jack: Great. These are all about awards sticking with the 2020s. This film written and directed by Sarah Polley has been nominated for Best Picture this year. [all three contestants are quiet] No one? I’ll give you a hint. It has an all female cast featuring Oscar winner Francis McDormand.

Robert: 80 for Brady.

Jack: No. Anyone else?

Jacqueline: Can you give us a hint?

Jack: It’s women talking.

Robert: Be more specific.

Jack: No, that’s the title. “Women Talking”. It’s a wonderful film. Do you all watch much TV or movies?

Jacqueline: I do, at least 12 hours a day.

Jack: Yikes. Here’s the next question. Just last week, Andrea Riseborough was nominated for an Oscar for her role in which movie? [all three contestants are quiet] Anyone? Andrea Riseborough. They say it was the best performance of her career.

Jacqueline: Career?

Jack: It was “To Lesley.” That’s right, “To Lesley”. It’s great. You should really see it because so far it’s made $27,300.

Mary: Okay, that’s not a lot for opening weekend.

Jack: It’s been out for four months.

Robert: Can I make a request, Jack? Can we do a question with some big movie stars, people we would all know.

Jack: Sure. Like who?

Robert: I don’t know. Nicole Kidman?

Jack: Absolutely. Here’s one. This past year Nicole Kidman starred in this “darkly feminist drama” on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday?

Jack: No. Anyone? Nobody? It was Roar. That’s right. Roar.

Jacqueline: No.

Jack: Yes. Okay, let’s do Samuel L. Jackson. Everyone knows him, right? This past year Samuel L Jackson starred in this critically acclaimed drama on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday.

Jack: No. Sorry, it was “The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey”.

Mary: Oh, come on. You got to be kidding me.

Jack: I’m totally serious.

Robert: Jack, please. I’m sure the shows are great. But where did all the big popular movies go?

Jack: Oh, they’re still here. They’re just in your phone and you can watch them on the toilet. Ha-ha-ha. Okay. No one is in the lead. Let’s just move on to the speed round. Robert, you’re still in control. Our era is the 80s.

Robert: Great.

Jack: Here’s the question. But year 1989 featured movies like “The Little Mermaid,” “When Harry Met Sally,” “Batman,” “Dead Poets Society,” and “Do the right thing.” Robert, named three movies from the past five years.

Robert: Oh, wow. Three Okay. Wow, Top Gun.

Jack: Okay, that’s one.

Robert: Great. Oh gosh. The Hangover?

Jack: That was 20 years ago.

Robert: The night man.

Jack: Sounds like you’re just saying words. Come on. All you need is one. Can’t you just name one more movie?

Robert: No.

Jack: That’s right. “No.” You’ve won the speed round.

Robert: Yay. Why?

Jack: Now, just take the win, Robert. When we come back, these three will try to guess what Julia Roberts is doing on Stars. Bye.

Big Boys

Keke: Winter has arrived, y’all.

Ego: Temperature’s droppin’.

Cecily: And you know what that means.

Punkie: It’s coughing season.

Cecily: That time of year when we find a man to keep us warm through these cold months.

Ego: But not just any man will do.

Cecily: That’s right. We out here lookin’ for some big boys.

SZA: [singing] It’s cuffin’ season
And now we’ve got a reason
To get a big boy, I need a big boy
Give me a big boy (Big, b-big, b-big, big boy)
It’s cuffin’ season
And all the girls are leavin’
To get a big boy (Big boy), I need a big boy (Big boy)
I want a big boy

Keke: I need a big boy w-wit’ polar bear arms
Keeps me warm in a winter snowstorm
Wind chill is bitin’ but his jacket’s unzipped
He bring in my groceries in just one trip

Ego: Till the sun comes back, I need a big boy hottie
Makes his own heat with his big boy body
For the next three months, skinny boys is dead
Forget a six-pack, I need the whole damn keg

Punkie: Big boy w-with a big ole back
A California king, refrigerator stacked
With steaks on steaks on steaks on steaks on steaks
Bu-bu-butter, bacon, cheese, and lasagna in the tray

Cecily: Need an enormous man with an enormous stand
Feeds me snacks with his enormous hands
And I hope he asks me to be his winter-wife
‘Cause messin’ with a big boy will change your life

SZA: It’s cuffin’ season
And all the girls be needin’
I need a big boy, I want a big boy
Give me a big boy

Ego: I need a big boy body, like a bouncer
Big mouth-breather and legs like a monster
Get in the bed and he gonna do me right
And when we all done he gonna snore all night
And then he stops
Did this man just die?

Keke: Anything I need, my big boy got it
If I need a snack, he got Snickers in his pocket

Cecily: Big warm hoodie, yeah, you know I’m gonna rock it
And if we gon’ travel, you know he gon’ put me in first-class
’cause he don’t fit in the back

Punkie: Hey, big boys (Ah, ah)
Go big boys (Ah, ah)
Hey, big boys (Ah, ah)
I like ’em big boys (Ah, ah)
Keke: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Punkie, I thought you only liked girls.

Punkie: I love girls, but they can’t keep me warm. I wanna be the little-spoon sometimes. It’s like this.

I been mannin’ up the whole year
Taking care of kids and wife
I mow the lawn, take out the trash
You don’t think that I be tired?
All I do is work and stress and I could use a big boy so I could just relax
He need to have them love-handles in the front and in the back
And, yes, I want ’em three layers like McDonald’s BigMacs
But if we talkin’ girls, yo, I like my women big and it don’t matter what the season
Like ’em thick all year, yeah, yeah

SZA: It’s cuffin’ season
And now we got a reason
To get a big boy, I want a big boy
Give me a big, big, big boy

Kenan: We out here, ladies. We the reason for the season. These bears don’t hibernate in the winter. You know where to find us. We’ll be shovelin’ snow in shorts.

Women: Big, b-big, b-big boys.

Big Penis Therapy

Robin… Amy Schumer

Melissa… Sarah Sherman

Glen… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a group of adults playing a card game]

Ego: Sorry, Robin, but draw four.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. It sucks to be you.

Robin: Oh, babe, you’re gloating.

Glen: Oh, you’re right. You’re right. Sorry to get so competitive guys.

Melissa: Fine, Glen.

Glen: No, it’s not fine. Something I’ve been working on in therapy.

Melissa: You go to therapy. That’s like really surprising.

Ego: Seriously, talk about a complete 180.

Robin: I know remember how cranky he used to be.

Melissa: That’s one way to put it.

Ego: Yeah, I would have said toxic as a mug.

Glen: Okay, you got me?

Robin: Yeah, but honestly, ever since I finally convinced him to go to big penis therapy, he’s just been so much happier. He’s like, a new person.

Ego: One more time.

Melissa: Did you see big penis therapy?

Glen: Yeah, it’s a place where I can finally open up about my problems with my dad, my insecurities, my rage issues.

Ego: That just sounds like regular therapy.

Robin: Let’s go back to the game. Whose turn is it?

Glen: See, she’s been trying to get me to go to therapy for years ever since I cheated on her that first time. You remember that, babe?

Robin: Yeah, I sure do.

Glen: Therapy just always seem so, I don’t know fruity. But then I heard about big penis therapy, for men with big penises like mine. And I thought, maybe I do need this.

Robin: Big penis therapy just helps to destigmatize men working on their mental health.

Glen: And sure the guys down at the job harassed me for going to therapy at first, but then I showed them my sweet badge for completing six months. And now they all went therapy too.

Ego: [reading the badge] God forgive my painess. What’s a painess?

Glen: t’s a medical term. It means penis that causes great pain.

Melissa: Oh, maybe I should tell my Jake about this.

Glen: Not so fast. Are you sure Jake qualifies?

Melissa: Actually he’s pretty okay.

Glen: Ha-ha-ha. Well, unfortunately, it’s not “pretty okay” size penis therapy. It’s therapy for guys with great big ones. Like mine, or Shaq’s. Or the guys from long naturals magazine.

Melissa: You know, Glen for the record, penis size really isn’t important.

Robin: Please don’t say that.

Glen: It’s okay honey. It actually is important, Melissa. And honestly, before therapy, I would have called you a stuck up bitch for saying that. But now I won’t.

Ego: Hey, Glen, did they measure your penis first to make sure you qualify?

Glen: What do you mean?

Ego: Just saying. How do they know you have a big…?

Robin: They don’t have to measure.

Glen: Honey, relax. It’s a good question. But yeah, the doctors can tell by your overall vibe if you have a baby leg like it.

Ego: Interesting. Well, Glenn, whatever they’re doing, it seems to be working for you.

Melissa: Truly. You even look like you’ve lost some weight.

Glen: Oh, well, that’s all thanks to my fat rod vegan meal plan.

Ego: You got him to be vegan too?

Robin: Yep. He’s also going to long Dong church now and drinking thick hog non-alcoholic beers.

Glen: Yeah. And I also joined an activist group called three inch monster packers against animal testing.

Melissa: Good, because it looks like you’re gonna have to draw for.

Ego: And that’s on top of my draw for.

Melissa: We’re playing stack, so you have to draw eight, Glen.

Robin: Aw, babe. But you only have one left. You almost won.

Glen: [flipping the table up side down] Stop making fun of me.

Female voice: Big penis therapy. It’s therapy.


Big Dumb Hat

[Starts with pictures of women enjoying the fall.]

Female voice: Fall. Beauty. Women.

[Cut to Chloe, Amy and Heidi]

All: Hey, girlie.

Amy: Are you like us? A well off woman with perfect makeup and long straight hair?

Heidi: Are you between 20 and 45? And it’s fall outside?

Chloe: Do you want a personality that you can wear on your head?

All: Then you need big dumb hat.

Chloe: This is the hat that makes everyone say, “Oh her!”

Heidi: The hat that makes people think, “Oh, she wearing hat.”

Amy: The hat that says “When I was in high school, I wasn’t mean or nice.”

Heidi: Big.

Amy: Dumb.

Chloe: Hat.

Amy: Big dumb hat comes in colors like tan or… that’s it.

Heidi: And the brim is perfect to touch so people see a big dumb engagement ring. [touching the brim] “Oh, this? Yeah, it a biggie.”

Chloe: Am I a cow girl? No girl. But I got hat.

Amy: I’m plant based. Except for my cow boy hat.

Heidi: If you see me wearing this hat at the airport, you know I’m gonna push my way on before my boarding group.

Chloe: Wow, is your hat even bigger than before?

Amy: You tell me. [she’s wearing a hat that’s too big]

Chloe: You can wear big dumb hat anywhere. The beach or a soccer game.

Heidi: If you see this hat in Starbucks, you know it’s gonna be opening.

All: Big dumb hat.

Heidi: Want to hear a secret? I made a baby in this hat.

Chloe: I named my kids Poet, Story, Lyric, Rire and Arcade.

Amy: I post a picture from my wedding every single day.

Chloe:Can you dance in the hat? Well, you wish we didn’t.

[music playing] [they are dancing]

Heidi: Don’t you hate how we dance?

Chloe: Hat.

Amy: Dumb.

Heidi: Big.

Chloe: Big dumb hat is the hat that makes your boyfriend say, “It’s me or the hat.”

Amy: It’s the hat that screams, “Wait, I think I forgot to vote. Did I miss it? Can I still get a sticker?” Hat.

Chloe: Pair it with tiny little cursive tattoo.

Amy: Complicated morning routine and fake gluten allergy.

Heidi: Yellow stone watch party and a wood fire pizza oven. Look at that char.

Chloe: And at the end of the day, you’re gonna have a big old crease on your forehead from the hat.

Heidi: How can a man wear a big dumb hat?

Amy: I think so, but let’s find out.

[Marcello walks in wearing a hat]

Marcello: Hello, ladies. Let’s get vulnerable.

Chloe: No, you gotta go.

Heidi: So get your big dumb hat today. Wait, is your hat even bigger.

[Amy is wearing too big hat]

Amy: Maybe.

All: Big dumb hat.

Chloe: From the makers of dumb little dog.

Big Papi Cooking Show

David “Big Papi” Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “Big Dominican Lunch” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Big Dominican lunch with Big Papi [foreign language] [Cut to Kenan in his home kitchen]

David Ortiz: Bienvenido. Yo, soy former baseball slugger, David Ortiz. And if you’re like me, you want a big Dominican lunch. Now, you might be saying to yoursekf, “Big paip, how’d you going to make a big Dominican lunch when it’s quarantine? And you can’t get things like mofongo, habichuela con bistek, camarones con pimientas frita and you can barely find any wasakaka con quesco frito.” That’s why you gotta learn to improvise, man.

So, today we’re making a very simple dish with just a few things I found lying around the house.  It’s called sancocho conpollo jahom carne molida cochinillo pierna de cordero langosta espinosa manos de mono lengua de ballena. You know, the stuff in everybody’s pantry. And speaking of pantries, I should mention today’s sponsor, Esploded can of beans. “Esploded can of beans. You got a can of beans that you found on the floor and not it’s exploded? That might be a bad sign, bro. You might want to throw that away before those beans explode inside of you.”

And have you been washing your hands like, a thousand times a day? Well then you’re in Pure hell. [a copy of Purell] “Pure hell, why is my skin just like a bunch of dust?”

Okay, time to make our seven meat sancocho, the dish that Peta calls “a genocide.” I got a professional overhead camera set up too so you can see exactly what I’m cooking. It’s just an iPhone duct taped to the ceiling.

[the iPhone falls into the cooking pot.]

Oh, dammit, man!

Okay, step one, you’re going to need a big ass pot. That’s why you need to call my Puerto Rican cousin ‘Big Bunny.’

[Cut to Big Bunny]

Big Bunny: Ola. I’m Big Bunny. I sell big ass pots. Do you need a pot that can hold 22 different animals, even big ones like llama and yak? Then call Big Bunny’s big ass pots.

And now, I am also selling sweatpants. Are you going to give a work presentation on Zoom but you’re worried your boss will see your penis? Try sweatpants. It’s better than nada.

Oh, Big Papi, you’re looking pretty fly these days. What is your secret?

David Ortiz: I got shot. Okay. Thank you so very much for coming on this show, cous. We’ll see you later. Give it up for Big Bunny, everybody. Okay. That was step one. Buy a big ass pot. Step two, cook everything in the pot. Ay, okay. That’s our show man.

Male voice: On the next episode…

David Ortiz: We’re going to make chicken pot pie. First, you eat a chicken. Then you smoke a little pot, and then you eat a whole pie. On “Big Dominican Lunch” with Big Papi.