Hot Tub Christmas

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Cecily Strong

Scarlett Johansson

Big Jim… Niall Horan

[Starts with a clip of Radisson hotel]

Chris: Honey, come on. The coast is clear.

[Cut to Chris and Ego in a indoor pool]

Ego: Oh, my gosh! This is so crazy. The sign says it’s after hours for the hot tub

Chris: Yeah, well. It also says you can’t go in if you’ve had diarrhea in the past two weeks.

Ego: What are you implying, mister?

Chris: You know you did. Now, get in here rule breaker.

Ego: Okay, you are going to get us kicked out of the Radisson select.

[unknown laughter]

Ego: Honey what is that?

[Two women’s spirit appear]

Cecily: Hi, y’all.

Scarlett: Hi.

Chris: Are you spirits?

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Cecily: Oh, you mean like ghosts? Yeah.

Scarlett: Yeah, go ahead. Put your hand through my face.

[Cut to everybody. Ego tries tries to touch Scarlett]

Scarlett: Ah! I’m kidding.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Honey, I bet they’re gonna teach us some kind of Christmas lesson.

Chris: Yeah, like show us the error of our ways.

Ego: Like that classic Christmas story.

Chris: Oh yeah, what was it? Like the Muppet Christmas carol?

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Cecily: Oh gosh. I wish. I love Muppets.

Scarlett: No, we’re just two dead strippers that get to haunt this hot tub every Christmas.

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: You’re strippers?

Scarlett: We were.

Cecily: We’re dead now.

Scarlett: Yeah. We worked at Big Jim’s Jug, Rug and Tug Join across the street from the family chicken restaurant.

[cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: So, how did you two pass?

Ego: Honey, that’s rude.

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Scarlett: No, it’s okay. There’s a song about it.

[music playing]

It was Christmas at the strip club

Cecily: Back in Chris97Cecily

Both: Big Jim closed up early

so we could trim the stripper tree

Scarlett: We gathered all our pasties

and set them on each limb

Both: Then big Jim made his annual joke

about getting Christmas trim

Cecily: We took our Christmas Quaaludes

Scarlett: having fun just hanging round

Both: we said is it safe to swim on qualudes

there is only one way to find out

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: Oh, it’s starting to sound like they did something dumb.

[Cut to Cecily and Scarlett]

Scarlett: So, we sneaked into this hot tub

Cecily: On this crystal Christmas night

Both: We said let’s do something funny

and have chicken fight

Cecily: I got on the bottom

Scarlett: And I got on the top.

[Spirit of Niall Horan appears]

Bim Jim: And I got up on both of them

while they both just shouted stop.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Who are you?

Bim Jim: I’m big Jim.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Big?

Scarlett: No, no. It’s a funny name.

Cecily: Yeah, like when you call a big fat guys, Tiny.

Ego: Okay, so you’re dead too?

Chris: Honey?

Bim Jim: I don’t mind it. It’s in the song.

Scarlett: Yeah, let’s get back to it.

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Bim Jim: So, I sat on top of the chicken

but it felt like something was wrong

Then I noticed the girls went under

but they were down there far too long

Both: So we popped out of the water

to play a joke on Jim

All: But our forehead hit Jim’s forehead

and we all sunk down again

then we had a staring contest

underneath the hot tub foam

but we swallowed too much water

and now this hot tub is our forever home

Cecily: Did you get what happened in the song?

Scarlett: We drowned in.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: So the three of you drowned having staring contest?

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Scarlett: Yeah. I guess so. We was just having a good time.

Cecily: That’s the meaning of friendship.

Bim Jim: And hey, isn’t friendship what Christmas is all about?

Scarlett: Hey, don’t y’all ever forget that.

[The clock bell rings]

Well, it’s almost midnight.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: What happens then?

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Cecily: Then it’s Christmas and we go back to hell.

Scarlett: Yeah, we only get the one night. Anyway, before we go—

All: [singing]

so here’s out Christmas lesson

the afterlife is long

but we all have to go so why not go with friends

and you’ll never be alone

[song ends]

Scarlett: Oh! And one more thing. That diarrhea you’re having right now, it’s because you’re pregnant.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Ego: Oh, honey.

Chris: You’re having diarrhea right now?

Ego: Yes, but we’re going to have a baby.

[Cut to Cecily, Scarlett and Bim Jim]

Cecily: Congratulations.

[Cut to everybody]

All: Merry Christmas. Bye.

Ego: Oh! I guess they taught us something after all.

Chris: Did they?

Ego: We found out I’m pregnant.

Chris: I would like to get a real doctor to establish that, but hey, get over here. Merry Christmas. I love you.

Ego: I love you, too.