Bilbo Baggins… Martin Freeman
Gandalf… Bobby Moynihan
Gollum… Taran Killam[Starts with characters from The Hobbit working in office.]
Bilbo Baggins: What have I been up to? I went on a quest. [Cut to Bilbo Baggins] Saved middle earth. Became a bit of a hero. Did the noble thing and turned down loads of treasure. Yeah, so the brave Hobbit Bilbo Baggins now works at a paper company. Selling paper memes of the phone. And I drive a Jetta.[Cut to “The Office: Middle Earth” intro. There are farms, horse carriage and people like in The Hobbit.] [Cut to Gandalf]
Gandalf: So, the woodman comes to me and says, “Thank you, Gandalf, General Manager, for this job.” I say, “Okay, you can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? Visa V, A.K.A. for you! So maybe one day they end up here, in the up seat. Lord of the rings.[Cut to a woman in the office. Her phone is ringing.] [Cut to Gollum calling] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins]
Gandalf: Gollum? Hate him.[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gollum ]
Bilbo Baggins: I see you’re in lately.
Gollum : [yelling] Oh! Where is it? Where is it? [looking for something everywhere.] [He opens his desk drawer and finds the ring inside the jelly.]
Oh! Ha-ha. Hilarious. Very funny. I’m fairly amused.[Cut to Bilbo Baggins laughing]
Ew![Cut to Gandalf]
Gandalf: Ring in the jelly, huh?
Gollum : Are you gonna do something about this?
Bilbo Baggins: That wasn’t me.
Gollum : Then who was it?
Bilbo Baggins: I have no idea.
Gollum : Oh, sure you do.
Gandalf: Don’t touch it. Oh! [Gandalf is putting the ring on and off] Sexual![Cut to Gandalf in his office]
Gandalf: More so than a boss, I’m more of a chilled out entertainer/wizard.[Cut to Bilbo Baggins, Gandalf and Gollum ]
Gandalf: You wanna hear a joke? Why do Orcs have such big penises?[Orc walks in]
It’s to dis– Oh, yeah!
Bilbo Baggins: Gandalf, why do they have such big penises?[Orc speaks in another language but the caption reads, “To distract from their faces, right?”]
Gandalf: Hello! Racist![Gandalf leaves] [Cut to Gandalf and Gollum ]
Gollum : Relax, Gandalf. He’s a funny man. No, he’s stupid and fat.[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and a woman elf. She is calling Gollum .]
Gollum : Hello?
Woman elf: You have a very important client to see you in the woman’s restroom.
Gollum : What?[Gollum looks here and there, straightened his tie and left.]
Bilbo Baggins: He straightened his tie. He straightened his tie. He went.[Cut to the door of women’s bathroom]
Screaming woman: Ah! Get out![Gollum walks out] [Bilbo Baggins and the woman elf acting to be busy.]
Bilbo Baggins: So, can you get on to that in next couple of hours?
Woman elf: Yes.[Cut to Gollum ]
Gollum : That was nasty tricksies![Cut to Orc and Bilbo Baggins eating facing each other.] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gandalf running into each other.]
Bilbo Baggins: Hi Gandalf.
Gandalf: Dildo Baggins?[Cut to everybody having fun in the office.] [Gandalf starts dancing and others don’t like it.] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins]
Bilbo Baggins: Well, you don’t choose the people you work with.[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and Gollum . Gollum is eating a raw fish and Bilbo Baggins is disgusted.] [Cut to Bilbo Baggins]
Bilbo Baggins: Or go on a quest with.[Cut to Bilbo Baggins and woman elf looking at each other in the meeting]
So, when you have a connection with someone, that means something.[Cut to woman elf running with her bow and arrows.]
Woman elf: Everybody, they’ve breached the wall.[Everyone is preparing for the battle.]
Bilbo Baggins: Okay, there’s now giant spiders in the parking lot.[Bilbo Baggins also joins others for the battle.] [Cut to Gandalf]
Gandalf: Those shall not pass! Cheeky!