How a Bill Does Not Become a Law

Kyle Mooney

Bill… Kenan Thompson

President Obama… Jay Pharoah

Executive Order… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with School House Rock intro]

Male voice: We now return to a brand new episode of School House Rock.

[Cut to a cartoon picture of Capitol building] [Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Come on! You really have to climb a lot of steps to get to this capitol building in Washington DC. Say, what’s that piece of paper doing here?

[The bill walks in]

Bill: Oh, you mean me? I’ll tell you who I am.

[singing]

I’m just a bill
yes, I’m only a bill
and I’m singing here in Capitol hill
but I know I’ll be a law some day
at least I hope and pray that I will
but today I still just a bill

Kyle: Cool! What kind of bill are you?

Bill: Well, I’m an immigration bill. And one day, the republicans might create me. So, I could become a law.

Kyle: And how does a bill become a law?

Bill: Funny you should ask.

[singing]

Well, first I go to the house
and they vote on me
but then I need from the senate
of majority
and guess I pass the legislative test

[Bill walks to President Obama]

then I wind up on the President’s desk
and I–

[Barack Obama pushes Bill down the stairs] [Cut to Bill falling down the steps of the capitol building.]

Bill: Oh! Oh, my sweet!

[Cut to Kyle and Barack Obama watching Bill fall]

Oh! My legs! They were made of paper!

Kyle: President Obama, what’s the big idea? That bill was trying to become a law.

Barack Obama: I realize that. But you know son, there’s actually an even easier way to get things run around here. It’s called an executive order.

[Executive order walks in]

Executive order: [singing] I’m an executive order
and I just pretty much just happen

[Executive order is smoking]

And that’s it.

Kyle: Wait a second. Don’t you have to go through congress at some point?

Executive order: Oh! That’s adorable. You still think that’s how government works. [laughing] [Bill walks back]

Bill: Ah! Don’t listen to him son.

[singing] Look at the midterm election
people clearly don’t want

[Barack Obama pushes Bill down the stairs again] [Cut to Bill falling down the steps of the capitol building.]

Oh! Why did I come back?

[Cut to Kyle, Barack Obama and Executive order watching Bill fall]

Ah! I think I landed on my keys.

Kyle: Mr. President, is this constitutional?

Barack Obama: Of course. Presidents issue executive orders all the time.

Executive order: That’s right. I could do lots of things.

[singing] I’ll create a national park,
or a new holiday

Barack Obama: [singing] Or grant legal status to find
million undocument immigrants.

Executive order: Wait, what?

Barack Obama: Yes, that’s what you’re gonna do.

Executive order: Oh, my god! But I didn’t have time to read myself. [Executive order reads himself] Wow! Okay. Go big or go home, huh?

[Bill comes back again]

Bill: This isn’t over.

[singing] We’re gonna take you to court
we’re gonna shut down–

[Barack Obama pushes Bill down the stairs again] [Cut to Bill falling down the steps of the capitol building.]

So many steps! So many steps.

Barack Obama: Well son, what do you think about the government now?

Kyle: I think I wanna go into the private sector.

Barack Obama: Me too, son. Me too. Oh! One more thing…

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Roach-Ex | Season 44 Episode 13

Bill… Mikey Day

Wife… Heidi Gardner

Roach Don… Don Cheadie

Roach Kyle… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a clip of a house][Cut to a family sitting in living room, Bill, his wife and his son]

Narrator: We are Roach-Ex now. [Doorbell rings] There’s nothing worse than unexpected [Bill opens the door] house guests. [Roach Don and Roach Kyle are outside the door]

Roach Don: Home sweet home.

[Roaches get in comfortably]

Narrator: Especially roaches.

Roach Kyle: Nice place!

[Cut to Bill outside his toilet] [Roach Kyle comes out]

Narrator: They always make their presence felt.

Roach Kyle: Give it a minute.

[Cut to dark room]

Narrator: And once roaches move in—

[Bill turns on the light. The Roaches are making mess at the dining table.]

Roach Don: Hey, knock it off with the light, huh?

Narrator: They make themselves right at home.

[Cut to Roach Don is between Bill and his wife watching TV]

Roach Don: Ha-ha! He won’t actually say anything.

[Cut to Roach Don puts his hand on Bill’s wife’s knee and Bill notices it]

Narrator: And before you know it, [Cut to Bill opens curtain to see Roach Don, his wife and his son getting along outside the house] they’re practically part of the family.

[Cut to Bill getting inside the house]

Because when it comes to roaches —

Bill: Hello?

Narrator: Let’s face it.

[Cut to Bill walking up stairs]

Bill:  Hun?

Narrator: What’s yours – is theirs. [Bill opens the bedroom door and finds his wife and Roach Don having sex] [Cut to Bill meets Roach Don at the hall way]

Bill: You had sex with my wife.

Roach Don:  Somebody had to.

[Roach Don pats Bills shoulder and leaves] [Cut to Bill’s wife in bed smoking a cigarette]

Bill: That’s not good.

[Cut to Roach Don, Bill’s wife and Bill’s son in TV room] [Bill walks in] Get out of my house!

[Cut to Roach Don]

Roach Don: Oh, Bill, perfect timing. We’re running a little low on snacks, buddy.

[Bill takes out a Roach-Ex Plus spray] [Cut to Bill’s wife]

Bill’s Wife: Bill? Bill, you’re drunk.

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: Shut up!

[Cut to Roach Kyle. He sees the Roach-Ex Plus spray and hides away] [Cut to Bill with his spray and a bottle of whiskey drinking]

Roach Don: Well, well, well. [Cut Roach Don walks to Bill] A big man’s got himself a can of Roach-Ex Plus. What are you going to do with it, Bill? Are you going to spray me?

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: Shut up.

[Cut to Roach Don]

Roach Don:  Well, spray me, Bill. Go ahead, do it. [Bill’s hand is shivering] You know what, I’ll give you a little help. [Roach Don puts is head to the spray] [Cut to Bill]

Bill: You’re crazy?

Roach Don: That’s right, I’m crazy, Bill. [Cut to Bill’s wife scared] Get me out of your house, you just got to push the nozzle. Do it.

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: I’ll do it.

[Roach Don]

Roach Don: Do it, Bill. Spray me. Do it!

[Cut to Bill]

Bill: I will!

[Roach Don]

Roach Don: Ha-ha. You can’t do it, can you, Bill? You know why? Because you’re not a man. You’re nothing but  a—Ahh!

[Bill’s son sprayed the Roach-Ex Plus on Roach Don][Roach Don falls to the ground and starts to shiver, and slowly dies]

Bill’s Wife: No! No! No!

Narrator: So send roaches an eviction notice with Roach-Ex Plus roach killer. Roaches don’t stand a chance.