Secret Word with Kristen Wiig

Grant Chaod… Kenan Thompson

Lyle Round… Bill Hader

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Isabella Lolacopolla… Cecily Strong

Melissa Villaseñor

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with GSN channel program schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Quiz Pigz, but first, Secret Word.

Announcer: it’s time to play the game the stars play. Secret Word, with your host Grant, Choad!

[Cut to Grant Chaod] [cheers and applause]

Grant Chaod: Welcome to Secret Word. I am Grant Choad. It’s such a thrill to be taking over as a new host of this show, and to be America’s first eve black game show host. I think it happened because I auditioned over the phone. Over the phone. For those of you who are missing the previous host, Lyle Round, he recently retired Palm Springs and sent us this pre-recorded message for his fans.

[Cut to picture of Lyle Round]

Lyle Round: I’m sorry I’m not there. I stopped wanting to be. Alright!

[Cut to Grant Chaod]

Grant Chaod: Thank you, Lyle. Enjoy your retirement. Okay, why don’t we meet our celebrities? Our first guest is a regular on this show and is best known for a work on the broadway stage. Please welcome, Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson comes in dancing]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hello. Hello. When I’m not doing this, I’m waiting to do this.

Grant Chaod: Oh, Mindy. You look amazing as always.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Melissa]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Grant. I lubed my lips with margarine and I’m wearing scotch tape on my temples to hold my face up.

[Grant Chaod laughing]

Grant Chaod: Terrific. Well, we’re very lucky to have our next celebrity. She is the Italian star of such movies as ‘Il Bastardo’ and ‘La Vida Pizza’. Please welcome Italian bombshell,Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in]

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s so good to be here. Oh, my god, look. [Mindy Elise Grayson holds a puppy] Look, my little Bambino followed me out here. [to puppy] Why you no listen to me, hah? Go home. Go. You want more than I can give, baby. Come on. Go.

[The dog runs out]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Well, that chihuahua really loves you. I can’t say that I blame him.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, [slaps Grant Chaod] watch your mouth. I’m sorry baby, I love you, don’t be mad at me.

[Mindy Elise Grayson sits beside Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Alright. Oh, you’re an emotional jack in the box. Let’s begin the game. Mindy, are you ready?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, yes. Just let me do my vocal warm up. Tanya told the teacher that the preacher didn’t touch her. La, la, la. The preacher told the teacher that he simply couldn’t reach her. Let’s play.

Grant Chaod: 10 seconds on the clock, Mindy.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Branch’.

Mindy Elise Grayson: [thinking] Alright. Alright. Look at me. This one’s easy.

Grant Chaod: Remember Mindy, do not say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I think I’ve played this game enough to know the rules. I know. You’re new but I’ve got this covered. Branch.

[buzzer]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hah! She said the secret word, huh?

Bobby: Oh, okay. Just relax!

[Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Hey, you, be a man.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, um, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yes, I did. I did. It’s the actress in me. I see a word and I bring it to life. Just like I did in the play “She Stoops to Concord: The Story of a Legless Grape Picker.” [acting] Mama! Mama! I picked all the grapes. Could someone throw me on the truck? Why didn’t you tell me I didn’t have legs?

The New York time said, “Bad!”

Grant Chaod: Alright. Let’s go over to Isabella’s team. Isabella, are you going to give or receive?

Mindy Elise Grayson: I will give until there’s nothing left to give.

Grant Chaod: Oh! Well, that will cook my spaghetti. 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘Bird.’

Mindy Elise Grayson: It’s Bird. [buzzer] Hey, what’s the matter with you, huh? I tell you what it is and you sit there like a donkey in the square.

Bobby: I’m sorry. Just please don’t hit me again.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! But I want to. [Mindy Elise Grayson slaps Bobby]

Grant Chaod: Isabella, you said the secret word. I can’t give you a point. Well, Mindy, I guess it’s your turn again.

Melissa: Maybe you should receive this time?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! The last time I received was after a drunken night with producer Darryl Zanuck. Yes. He made me cover my face with one of Elizabeth Taylor’s publicity photos. I just wish there had been eyeholes.

Grant Chaod: Yeah, we don’t need a story every time. Let’s put 10 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is Floral.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Alright. Um, this is a nice word. It’s what you give on a opening night.

Melissa: Champagne?

Mindy Elise Grayson: No. It’s what you give the director for casting you in the show.

Melissa: A card.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah, right. I didn’t wanna get graphic. It’s when you undo his tuxedo zipper and sing into his pink friend.

Grant Chaod: What?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh! Wait. I got some hand creme on the screen. it’s Floral, not oral. I did oral.

Grant Chaod: Mindy, you said the secret word again. And you also said “Pink friend”

Mindy Elise Grayson: Yeah. I know I did. I blew it, yes, I did. Just like I blew all my lines in the musical, “Saimese Sally and the Pad Thai Clan.” Here’s the 11 o’clock number, hit it.

[music playing] [singing] who’s hungry for spring rolls, Siam, Siam
who’s brining tom yums, Siam, Siam

Grant Chaod: Stop it! Stop that! We’ll be back after this message from our sponsor, Winston Baby Cigarettes. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update Stefon on Autumn’s Hottest Tips

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Stefon.. Bill Hader

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: Its autumn in New York, which means millions of tourists will be heading to the city to see the big apple and it’s new mayor have to offer. Here is some tips as our Weekend Update’s city correspondence, Stefon.

[Stefon slides in] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Colin Jost: Thanks so much for joining us Stefon.

[Stefon looks here and there.] [Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: How long have I been in anesthesia?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Oh, a lot has changed, you know. Colin and I host Weekend Update now.

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: Hmm, on of each.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

I like it.

Michael Che: Now, a lot of tourists want to check out what mayor Di Blasio’s New York has to offer. Are there any fun spots for them?

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Barack, Mit.

Michael Che: Come on, man!

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: If you’re looking for berserk night out in the new New York, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is Wimsy. Condemned by glad and EPA from ghost busters. This old wet band aid found in a Jacuzzi is a kind of place that makes you feel weird the next time you see your parents. This plae has everything. Kufi hats, congos, MTV’s Dan Cortese. And that TV channel at the hotel, that’s like about the hotel.

The vibrant side is strange yet familiar. Like, when you see billboards for sign filled rewinds in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.

Yo Swe Kastanje, weeknights at 66:thirty.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Fine. Real quick. How is Seth doing? Did he come with you?

Stefon: No, he’s at home practicing how to sit behind a desk.

Michael Che: So, I think the club you were describing might not be for everybody. Do you have any other recommendations for folks looking for like a more wholesome New York experience?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: Yes, yes. If you are some dumb folks looking to just get murdered, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is Jan’s New Big Pic. Discovered by lackluster gay realtor named Anthony who is late for every viewing. This park’s slope slap bucket gives new meaning to the question. Is that the little woman who played the principal in Kindergarten Cop? This place has everything. Espestes, lupes, magazines of Super Cuts, Dan Cortese, a doorman who always high-fives children of divorce, a building that you can tell used to be McDonald’s. And if the bar isn’t your scene, head downstairs to see the Prosac Dobe Brothers.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: What are the Prosac Dobe Brothers?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: It’s that thing of when a woman in a depression commercial gets better at the end, so they show her at a smooth jazz concert.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Stefon, I know New York has changed with the new mayor but there’s gotta be a few upscale places for people to check out.

Stefon: Okay, yes, yes. Witsy stuff.

[Cut to Stefon]

If you’re well to do and you just gotta hunt humans, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is [Stefon makes an unusual sound] Located where Donald Trump Jr.’s chin should have been. His wealthy wack-sack opened it’s doors and the two hours between when Pharaoh Faucet and Michael Jackson died. Needless to say, this place has everything. Skunks, key fobs, cookie crisps, Dan Cortese, that backroom at footlocker that employees disappear into. There’s even an after hour’s bar filled with human defubilators.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: What is human defubilators?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: It’s a thing of when your friend is having heart attack, so you take two midgets and you rub them on the carpet for electricity and then they yell, “Clear! Jhoodosh!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Alright, look Stefon, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here and I know you’re a friend of Update, but I think you should go.

Stefon: You’re right. I should go. The husband wants to drive up to wedding tomorrow to look for houses.

Michael Che: Wait a second. You’re looking for houses? You’re not drinking or eating sushi? Stefon, is there something that you want to tell us?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: I’m pregnant!

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Congratulations.

Stefon: Thank you so much. I’d like, you know, if we keep it.

Michael Che: Stefon, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

The Group Hopper

Kyle Mooney

Thero… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

King… Bill Hader

[Starts with clips of a man breathing fast in a broken elevator.] [Slowly the ceiling opens. There are people looking down to you.] [Kyle jumps in]

Kyle: Hey, semi. Welcome to Gray World.

[Kyle gives Thero a bag] [Cut to Thero looking around. The place is surrounded by a wall.]

Male voice: This fall.

Thero: What is this place?

[Cut to Thero and Beck walking and looking at the wall]

It looks post-apocalyptic or something.

Beck: The metal fields. This is where the semi stayed where the groupers passed them on to the shorties for sorting.

Thero: What’s over those walls?

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Nothing much, except the death virus.

Male voice: From the director of Maze Runner. The producer of Divergent. And a casual fan of The Giver.

[Cut to Kyle following Thero in a field]

Kyle: Smooth move, kid. Showing up on category day! Now you’re gonna get put into category, no matter what. [Kyle throws a bag to Thero again]

Male voice: Adapted from YA novel, written entirely in the comment section of a Hunger Games trailer.

[Cut to Thero and Sasheer]

Sasheer: Who are you anyway?

Thero: My name’s Thero. I never met my parents but my name’s tattooed at my back.

[Thero opens his shirt.] [Cut to Beck walking to Thero]

Beck: Wait a second. That doesn’t say Thero.

Thero: What does it say?

Beck: The Hero.

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: Destiny!

Male voice: A hero will rise.

[Cut to King speaking from above to all the people. He has his face painted like a lady.]

King: You are all the same. There’s nothing special or unique about any of you. And now, you’ll be put into groups.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: What does he mean, ‘groups’.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There is the emotionals, the foodies, the acidics and gryffindor.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: When I grow up, I wanna be a freelander.

Sasheer: But you can’t. You were born as circumscriber and [Cut to Sasheer] and you always be.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: But what if I wasn’t.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: You’re right. You’re not. [Cut to Thero and Sasheer holding hands.] And I love you.

Thero: Dope.

[Cut to King]

King: You’ll be given even dirtier clothes arranged in lines. And you must obey me. Because I am your king. Or queen. You’ll figure it out.

[Sound of a metal rod being dragged on a floor is coming while King is trying to move.] [King is struggling to move.] [The bodyguards try to help.]

I got it! I got it! Thank you.

[Cut to the people walking in the underground path with fire torches.]

Male voice: A system will fall.

Thero: We’ve got to find a way out of here.

Sasheer: Even if you made it through, you still have to survive the lurkies. And they are lurking everywhere.

Beck: And you can only kill a lurky with a zoomerang. [Cut to Beck] But, nobody’s seen one of those for a thousand years to the day.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Unrelated. Do you have any necklaces?

[Cut to everybody]

Thero: Just this one.

[Thero shows his necklace. It has a shape of boomerang.]

Sasheer: You’re the chosen one. And I’m a virgin pregnant with your baby.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: Well, that sucks!

[Cut to King walking in his castle wit his bodyguards.]

King: Bring me the one they call Thero. Dead or alive. But preferably alive. Right? Boop!

[Cut to Kyle, Thero, Beck and Sasheer]

Beck: It’s still lurkies. Quick, let’s hide in the dream swamp.

Kyle: We can’t, swampsters!

Thero: Then we’ve only got one choice. [Showing his boomerang necklace] We fight!

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: Zoomerang!

[Cut to the people running]

Male voice: On October Kyle0th, meet The Group Hopper.

Thero: We will not be categoried!

Male voice: Put him in a group and he’ll hop his ass right out.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: Hey lurky! [Cut to a goat with a helmet on] It’s time to change the world.

[Thero throws the zoomerang at the lurky. The zoomerang just falls under the lurky, but it blasts when the lurky steps on it.] [Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: What?

Male voice: The Group Hopper. Rated G for asexual kissing.

The Cat In The Hat and Linda

Linda… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Cat in the hat… Bill Hader

Thing 2… Taran Killam

[Starts with a clip of a house at a raining night]

Linda: Why are you filled with dismay? [Cut to inside the house] You should go out and enjoy this fine day.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: It’s been raining, dear mother. As long as we’ve known.

Pete: We are bored, sweet mother. Bored to the bone.

Aidy: I want someone to play with. Someone who’s fun.

Pete: Perhaps, if we imagine, we’ll find the one.

[door knocking] [Cut to everybody. Cat walks in the door.]

Cat: Hello, little kiddies. A-rada-tac-tac,

f you haven’t put it together, I’m the cat in the hat.

Linda: Cat, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Cat]

Cat: Linda? My god! You look good.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: Mommy, what’s going on?

Aidy: You know the cat guy?

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

Linda: Yes. No. I met him before.

Cat: Met? Well, that’s what we call it now?

Linda: Okay, I think maybe you should leave.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: No, Mr. Cat, we don’t want you to go. Can you please stay and put on a fun show?

[Cut to everybody]

Cat: Show? Yeah! Sure.

[Cat starts speaking funny]

I always appear when children are sad,

so tell me young kiddies, where is your dad?

[Cut to Cat. He starts questioning] Like, does he live here? Is he still here?

[Cut to Linda]

Linda: You know what? He’s at work. He is reliable. I don’t have to say a rhyme to make him come home.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: Do some tricks!

[Cut to everybody]

Cat: Wait, you want tricks. Yeah! Sure. You like juggling?

Pete: Yeah!

Cat: [speaking funnily] I can juggle with this.

I can juggle with fish

I can juggle with this

I can–

[Cat jumps and stops near a picture]

You cut me out of this picture? That makes sense, but it’s hard to see.

[Cut to Linda]

Linda: Yeah, um, maybe it’d be better if you’d just go.

[Cut to Cat, Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: No!

Pete: He can’t leave.

Cat: They’re right. I literally can’t leave because they imagined me.

[Cut to everybody]

Linda: Great! Okay, so here we are!

Cat: No, no. Look, look, I didn’t plan on this.

[Cat goes near to Linda] [Cut to Linda and Cat]

I mean– You got an eyelash.

[Cat picks Linda’s eyelashes]

Linda: Don’t, you just want to touch my face.

Cat: Yes, maybe. I am sorry.

[Linda starts crying]

Linda: I’m sorry. This is just really hard for me to see you.

Cat: Oh, hey! It’s hard for me too. Here, here, take this.

[Cat pulls handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. It’s a magic trick where the handkerchief doesn’t stop coming out.] [Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Wow!

[Aidy and Pete start pulling the handkerchief.]

Cat: Here. Here. Here. Here.

[Cut to Linda and Cat]

Take this.

[Cat gives Linda a handkerchief to wipe her tears.] [Linda and Cat are about to kiss]

Aidy: [interrupting Linda and Cat] Mr. Cat, you wanna see me dance?

[Cut to everybody] [Aidy starts dancing]

Cat: Yes, sure. Yes, go on.

[Aidy is dancing]

Hey, look at that. Yes, that’s great. [Cut to Linda and Cat] Great dance.

Linda: She got set from you.

Cat: Wait, is she my daughter?

[Thing 2 walks in the door]

Thing 2: Haidi-ho! My wife and children! Cat? Wow, um, what are you doing here?

Cat: Hey, Thing 2.

Thing 2: Actually, I go by Jonathing now.

Linda: Cat was just on his way out.

Thing 2: Oh! Good! That’s good! She picked me, cat!

Cat: I’ll go. I’ll go. I’m sorry. [Cut to everybody] I’ll go.

[Cut to Cat at the door]

Of all the places she let me go–

Thing 2: [yelling] You! Get out of here!

[Cat left.]

Monologue Bill Hader Sings With Kristen Wiig And Harvey Fierstein

Bill Hader

Kristen Wiig

Harvey Fierstein

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [the band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hader.

[Bill Hader walks in and to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Bill Hader: Wow!Thank you, thank you, thank you! So excited to get here hosting Saturday Night Live. What? Oh! I am so nervous. [audience laughing] It’s not a joke. I am so nervous.

A girl in the audience: I love you!

Bill Hader: I love you.

[audience cheering]

Never ever supposed to be on Saturday Night Live. I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma like an idiot in some book. [audience laughing] Bill Hader0 years ago, I was working as an assistant editor on Iron Chef America, doing a comedy show in a backyard in Los Angeles. And Megan Maloney saw me and called Lorne Michaels and he came to see me, here I am. It’s crazy.

[cheers and applause]

You know what? Despite all the years in this show and all the movies, I still get up every morning and I go into work on Iron Chef. [audience laughing] Who I am?

I have a new film out right now called ‘The Skeleton Twins’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. With Ms. Kristen Wiig. It’s a spectacular Halloween remake of the classic film ‘Twins’. [audience laughing] You’re very surprised by the good reviews. You know, when I was on this show, I was known for doing impressions. I did Clint Eastwood, Vincent Price, Alan Alda. Basically, I could do anyone over 80. But one thing I never did here was sing because my singing voice is not for everyone. It’s very low. Kind of like Harvey Fierstein. [audience laughing] Yeah! And even though I always dreamed of singing on this show, I’m not gonna put you through that. Okay, don’t worry about it.

[Kristen Wiif walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kristen! Kristen! I told you to stay back stage.

Kristen Wiig: I don’t recall that. Look, I’m here to help you, Bill. It is your dream to sing on SNL and you’re gonna do it.

Bill Hader: I can’t

Kristen Wiig: Of course, you can.

Bill Hader: Uh! Don’t make me sing.

[music starts playing]

Kristen Wiig: You have to. You have to, because I wrote this song. And if you don’t sing it, I don’t get paid. And I need the money, because I just bought a pantine boat.

Bill Hader: Don’t you mean a pontoon boat?

Kristen Wiig: No, it’s a Pantine boat. I only wash my hair on it. Listen to me.

[singing]

I know you can sing it

go ahead and wing it

they are gonna love it

Bill Hader: No, but Kristen, it’s not that easy. You can do anything!

Kristen Wiig: I know. [audience laughing] Actually, that’s not true. I can’t play the saxophone, but most everything else. Bill, come on, don’t be scared.

[drums roll]

Kristen Wiig: #HaderSinging, it’s already trending

now you have to do it

tonight’s your night

you’re gonna wild the crowd

Bill Hader: Really? [Bill Hader starts rocking his body]

Kristen Wiig: No fear, coz I’m here

so Bill just sing it loud

Bill Hader:[singing horribly] Thank you Kristen Wiig

thank you for talking me into this

this is a dream come true [audience laughing]

I’m really killing this.

Kristen Wiig: Okay, stop, stop.

[cheers and applause]

With love, yikes! That was really, really bad. I love you, but don’t ever do that again to television.

Harvey Fierstein: Don’t listen to her! Don’t listen to her!

[Harvey Fierstein walks in] [cheers and applause]

Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig: Harvey Fierstein? What are you doing here?

Harvey Fierstein: I am here saving the day, dammit! Kristen, can I have a second alone with Bill?

Kristen Wiig: I just got here.

Harvey Fierstein: There’s saxophone back stage.

Kristen Wiig: There better be!

[Kristen Wiig walks away]

Harvey Fierstein: Billy, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. You can’t sing from your head. You gotta sing from your heart. [pointing at Bill’s penis] Sorry! You gotta sing. You gotta listen to me sing, just like me.

Bill Hader: Just like you?

Harvey Fierstein: Exactly.

[drums roll and music starts]

Harvey Fierstein: Now, let your voice be heard

Bill Hader: I’m singing like a bird

Harvey Fierstein: Look, how you did it

[Kristen Wiig walks in playing a saxophone]

Bill Hader: Tonight’s my night

Harvey Fierstein: Damn right, tonight’s your night.

Kristen Wiig: It’s your show, so let’s go

Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein: Coz it’s Saturday, oh yeah! It’s Saturday night!

Bill Hader: Yeah! We got a great show for you tonight. Hozier is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

[Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Harvey Fierstein are dancing on the stage] [cheers and applause]

Inside SoCal Is Art Gangster

Todd… Kyle Mooney

Casey… Beck Bennett

Eric… Pete Davidson

Emily Hyde… Kate McKinnon

Pat… Taran Killam

Carla Meunez… Cecily Strong

Sean… Bill Hader

Bobby Moyniham

[Starts with San Deigo County Public Access Television video bumper] [Cut to Todd and Casey in their set]

Todd: Alright, I’m Todd.

Casey: And I’m Casey.

Todd: And you’re watching…

Casey: [whispering to Todd] Together on three.

Todd: [whispering] One, two, three.

Todd and Casey: Inside So Cal.

[Cut to Inside So Cal intro] [Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright. So, our top story is our boy Ryan Tableton got married this weekend and a bunch of the boys went. I’m not usually into church or gods or whatever but I thought ceremony was super gangster.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Seeing two souls uniting as one.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Also, you don’t have to dance. Okay, now let’s do Health Minute with Casey.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.] [Cut to Casey. There’s a white board behind him with a bar diagram]

Casey: Alright, so Matt new all got Vicatin and anyone can get it on that. That was a Health Minute.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.] [Cut to Todd]

Todd: Okay, so we got developing story. Apparently, Emily Hyde is like, super pissed at Pat right now. So, let’s go to Eric at the Lendwood house and see what’s going on. What up Eric?

Eric: What’s up, guys?

Casey: Wad up?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: So, I’m here with Emily and Pat. Emily, why are so mad at Pat right now?

Emily Hyde: Coz he sent pictures to my friends.

Pat: Yeah, but I don’t like them the way I like you. I just beat off to them.

Eric: Alright, well, so there you have it. As you can see, things are pretty real over here. Back to you folks.

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Casey: Now, it’s time for this week’s Ill Investigations with my boy Todd.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper] [Cut to Todd in a restaurant]

Todd: Reherbata is one of my favorite restaurants. But why don’t they do the red salsa anymore? I had this chance to down with Carla Meunez who works here. Let’s see why they stopped doing it.

[Cut to Todd with Carla Meunez]

Where is the red salsa at?

Carla Meunez: Oh! Um, no–

Todd: I’ma boys love the red salsa.

Carla Meunez: [not speaking English] No, we–

Todd: What?

Carla Meunez: No, it’s no more.

Todd: You’re gonna bring back the red salsa?

Carla Meunez: [struggling to speak in English] Okay, no more. We don’t have no more. No more.

Todd: The red salsa used to be the best part of Reherbata. [Carla Meunez just walks away] Alright, I guess they’re not doing the red salsa anymore.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper] [Cut to Casey]

Casey: Next, our story on Lindsay Turell who cut her hair short over the summer, which looks good on her small head.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, which bring us to our Feature Story. When you think about art, you think like, “That’s something my dad likes”, or smarter people like. Michelle Grannis. But actually, art can be pretty gangster. So, we sent Sean out to tell us it’s gangster.

Sean: Blue, yellow, green, colors in art. But, how baller can art be? I’m here in a fucking museum to find out.

[Cut to Feature Story video bumper] [Cut to Sean]

Sean: When they first started doing art, it was lot older. And they didn’t know how to make a pint. But then, it was more abstract and now you look at it and it’s way more, you know–

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You’re trying to say it’s more baller?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: You know, coz it’s like, you know– I play maden right? So–

[Cut to Casey confused]

Casey: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: A little refrigerator.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I think I get what you’re saying Sean. [looking confused] [Cut to Todd and Casey]

Alright, this has been Inside So Cal. Oh! Do you want to say the thing about your grandpa?

Casey: Um, yeah! So, my grandpa died and we were like, super close. But, I’d like to believe that even though he’s gone, he’s still with us.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Hey, what are you doing in my house?

Todd: Sorry, sir. I’m Todd.

Casey: I’m Casey.

[Todd and Casey stands]

Bobby: Now, get out.

Todd: Sorry sir.

Bobby: Get our of my garage.

Casey: We’re almost done. We’re sorry.

Bobby: Wee-wee-wee, You’re sorry?

Todd: That’s not how I sound sir.

Bobby: That is how you sound. [Bobby pushes Todd] [They start fighting]

Hollywood Game Night with Bill Hader

Jane Linch… Kate McKinnon

Amber… Venessa Bayer

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

Christoph Waltz… Taran Killam

Morgan Freeman… Jay Pharoah

Terra… Aidy Bryant

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Al Pacino… Bill Hader

Kathie Lee Gifford… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro] [cheers and applause] [Cut to the show]

Jane Linch: Yes! This is Hollywood Game Night. Hello to all of you flying delta.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

I am Jane Linch, America’s no. two lesbian. Here’s how the game works. We pair a normal people with real Hollywood celebrities. They play a series of short games and the winner takes home $twentyfivethousand. Let’s meet our teams. From Madison, Wisconsin, it’s Amber.

[Cut to Amber smiling.]

Amber: Hi, Jane. I love you on Glee.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: That’s enough. And Amber’s team from Modern Family, it’s Sofia Vergara.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: I have made the most money of all the TV.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Next up is Oscar winner Christoph Waltz.

[Cut to Christoph Waltz]

Christoph Waltz: It’s so great to be here playing games with all of my friends.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Pace yourself, Waltz. And finally, it’s Morgan Freeman.

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: You know, we busy ourselves with the game so that the mind does not wander to death. And that is a quote from my new film, Dolphin Tale two.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Nice, nice. And in the opposing couch, we have Terra from Boston.

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Woo-hoo! I’m here to win.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: And I’m here to keep bailing under tones. Okay, on Terra’s team, from Parks and Recreation, Nick Offerman.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: I’m very excited to be here. You can’t see it, but underneath this mustache, I’m grinning like a little girl.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Hollywood legend, Al Pacino.

[cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Is it too early to ask to go to the bathroom? I took the Goldschlager and milk on the way over here. And my bones, doctor say they are “dust.” I’m here, I’m here, and I’m ready to play who wants to be a millionaire.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Woof! And finally from Today’s Show, the one and only, Kathie Lee Gifford.

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford]

Kathie Lee Gifford: What am I doing here? But I do love games. My husband, Frank and I go play hide and go seek. Problem is, when I hide he doesn’t seek. One time, I found him in Barbados. I’m not kidding.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Cathy Lee, your personality is as strong as my cologne. Alright, Terra’s team, you’re up. I’m starting with a game called Snack Time, where we show you an unwrapped piece of candy and you tell us what it is. And that’s a real game we play on this show. Here’s a candy. Time starts now.

[There is a candy a the screen] [Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: Jane, that is a healthy stool. Probably from a fox or small child.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Al Pacino: Oh, I got it. I got it! I stake my whole reputation on it. It’s a tiny meat loaf.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um, I know what that is up there. It’s a television. TV, found home– What am I saying? I’m not ET, but I do love riding on a bike basket. No, I don’t!

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Come on! It’s a snickers.

[Cut to Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh-oh! We are losers. Now, we know how Helda feels. Don’t worry, she’s not watching this. She’s out in the parking lot because she drove me here. She’s my DD. My designated dummy. What am I saying?

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, Amber, your team’s up with a game called No Harm, No Vowel. I’m gonna show you movie titles with the vowels removed and you guess the movie. Again, real game played by real adults. Here’s your clue. Time starts now.

[The logo of Star Wars is there with ‘A’s in them] [Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Why must the vowels be marginalized? Diminish cast aside. In the great sweep of infinity, all letters are equal.

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Got a guess there, chief?

[Cut to Morgan Freeman]

Morgan Freeman: Ah! Titanic?

[wrong answer buzzer]

Christoph Waltz: Oh! Jane, the answer has been very evident to me. It is obviously the famous Austrian film, ‘Vankaisa Ditschitnum Frolanda Haiser’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Amber: I don’t know the answer, but I do know, I love Pepsi. [Amber drinks a Pepsi showing the can] I just made one billion moneys!

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: It’s Star Wars. My god!

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Hey, Jane! I just realized something. You and I have the same haircut!

[Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: I don’t cut my hair. This is just as far as it grows. Alright, since we’re tied at 0, it’s time for the tiebreaker round. Each contest gets to pick one celebrity from either team to play on their behalf.

[Cut to Amber]

Amber: Um, I’ll go with Al Pacino.

[Cut to Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Alright! Let’s go, baby!

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: And I’m gonna go–

[Cut to Terra’s team]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!

Terra: I guess, I’ll go with Kathie Lee Gifford.

Kathie Lee Gifford: What? [acting surprised] Alright, well I’m calm, but this train just got to stop at the wine cooler station. Too-too-toooo! [Kathie Lee Gifford refills her wine glass.] [Cut to Jane Linch]

Jane Linch: Alright, get on up here. Come on! Real play ball.

[Cut to everybody. Al Pacino and Kathie Lee Gifford are walking to the stage.] [Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Okay, let’s get ten seconds on the clock. Kathie Lee Gifford, you’re first. Finish this movie quote. “Life is like a box of …”

[Cut to Kathie Lee Gifford and Jane Linch]

Kathie Lee Gifford: Tampons. Helda’s like, “What are those?” She doesn’t need them anymore. [singing] Lady no red. Gray gardens! Is that a movie? I haven’t seen it. What am I saying?

[time buzzer]

Jane Linch: You’re saying nothing. Nothing!

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford. Jane Linch walks to Al Pacino]

Alright, Pacino. Your turn. ten seconds on the clock. Finish this quote my friend. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a…”

[Cut to Jane Linch and Al Pacino]

Al Pacino: Prostitute a home address. Last time I did that, I woke up duck taped to a fan. Logan kids were throwing rocks at me. Worst night of my life.

[Cut to Al Pacino, Jane Linch and Kathie Lee Gifford]

Jane Linch: Okay, that’s all the time we have. Once again, the only winner is me. I want an Emmy for this. Good night.

Herb Welch Virginity Pledge Rally

Chuck Dawes… Taran Killam

Herb Welsh… Bill Hader

Michael Fitzgerald… Pete Davidson

President of Abstinence Association… Cecily Strong

[Starts with WXPD News, New York intro]

Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York

[Cut to Chuck Dawes in his news set]

Chuck Dawes: Good morning. I’m Chuck Dawes filling in for the Alin Jack Burns. Our top story today, a number of Staten Island teens have assembled in front of the high school to sign a virginity pledge. Federan reporter Herb Welsh is on the scene who today is celebrating his 6Chuck Dawesst year here at our network.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Hello, Chuck. [cheers and applause] [Cut to split screen. Chuck Dawes on the left and Herb Welsh on the right.]

Chuck Dawes: Hello, Herb and congratulations. Now, tell us, what’s happening at the rally?

[Cut to Herb Welsh. He is with Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: I’m here with Michael Fitzgerald

Michael Fitzgerald: Hey, how you doing?

Herb Welsh: You don’t look like a Fitzgerald to me. Alright, what’s this all about?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, we just feel like there’s too much pressure on teens these days. Like, sex wise.

Herb Welsh: You got a kid?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: What? No, I’m a virgin.

Herb Welsh: Why do you have a diaper bag?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Um, it’s not a diaper bag. It’s just what I carry my books in.

Herb Welsh: And there you have it. Don’t believe the hype. Central Park remains unsafe for women after dark. Back to you Chuck.

[Cut to the split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No! No! No, Herb, no! Come on!

Herb Welsh: What’s that? What happened?

Chuck Dawes: Ask him how many students are involved in taking the pledge.

Herb Welsh: I don’t take orders from Managans.

Chuck Dawes: Come on, Herb.

Herb Welsh: I know you’re smooth down there.

[audience laughing] [Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

How many?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: How many what?

Herb Welsh: Oh, you scared of me? Big Nick?

[Herb Welsh starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald with the mic]

Chuck Dawes: No! Hey! Hey!

[Cut to split screen]

Herb! Ask him if the pledge is affiliated with the school.

Herb Welsh: Stick a zag out of that side burns.

Chuck Dawes: Alright, dude, please, just ask the question.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and Michael Fitzgerald]

Herb Welsh: Who started this thing?

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again]

Michael Fitzgerald: Well, a couple of us, actually.

Herb Welsh: Spill the beans.

[Herb Welsh hits Michael Fitzgerald’s mouth with the mic again] [President of Abstinence Association walks in and Michael Fitzgerald walks out]

President of Abstinence Association: Excuse me. I am the president of the school’s Abstinence Association.

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it. The rest have a monkey in outer space. Back to you, Chuck.

[Cut to split screen]

Chuck Dawes: No, Herb! Herb, why don’t you talk to that organizer?

Herb Welsh: Why didn’t your wife take your last name? [audience laughing] Coward.

[Cut to Herb Welsh and President of Abstinence Association]

Hola, que pasa senorita?

[Herb Welsh hits President of Abstinence Association’s mouth with the mic again]

President of Abstinence Association: Okay, the media and Tv have put too much emphasis on teenage sex for too long.

[As President of Abstinence Association is trying to speak, Herb Welsh pulls the mic away.]

Herb Welsh: Well, there you have it folks. And when they go to the board room, Latin Americans are on the move.

Chuck Dawes: Wrong! [Cut to split screen] Herb! No! That is not what we’re doing, Herb.

[Cut to Herb Welsh]

Herb Welsh: Don’t tell me how to do the news you drug store Indian!

[Herb Welsh walks up to the camera and starts hitting the camera with the mic.] [Cut to Chuck Dawes]

Chuck Dawes: Just cut away, please. All apologies to you at home. Up next, we’ll talk to a school administrator. [Chuck Dawes puts his finger in his ear and listen to his earphone.] But first some troubling news. We just received word that our own Herb Welsh has suffered a heart attack just Chuck Dawes5 seconds ago.

[Cut to two security holding Herb Welsh, and Michael Fitzgerald is speaking to the camera.]

Michael Fitzgerald: I can’t believe he’s dead. It just happened so quick.

Herb Welsh: The show is over! [Herb Welsh was pretending to get the TV attention. He starts hitting Michael Fitzgerald again and again]

Anthony Coleman Takes Another Puppet Class

Alex… Taran Killam

George… Bobby Moynihan

Maryland… Cecily Strong

Anthony Peter Coman… Bill Hader

[Starts with a notice board.]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to puppetry for advanced students. [Cut to a puppet class] You all have some experience with puppets. [Cut to Alex] So, we’re gonna be learning some techniques to really make your characters come alive. Um, my name is Alex [he puts up his puppet] and this guy is Wigglesby.

Wigglesby: And I’m a jolly old chap, aren’t I? Chum?

Alex: [laughing] You sure are. Now lets hear from you guys.

[Cut to George]

George: I’m George.

[George puts up his puppet]

Herman the Hippie: And I’m Herman the Hippie, wavy, gravy, man!

George: Look, I didn’t finish my puppet.

[Cut to Alex.]

Alex: You’ll have time. Alright? How about you?

[Cut to Maryland]

Maryland: I’m Maryland. This is the one thing I do each week for me. [she puts up her puppet]And This is old Mrs. Hooper.

Mrs. Hooper: I’m having a little trouble keeping up. What’s Google?

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: I can see, she’s a handful. [laughing] And you

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman. He’s wearing aviators and military jacket.]

Anthony Peter Coman: [talks in deep voice seriously] My name is Anthony Peter Coman, private first class, operation urgent fury, recipient of the Purple Heart, pending, pending for the review.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Uh-huh. Okay. And your puppet’s name?

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman. He puts up his puppet. His puppet is also wearing aviators and a military jacket.]

Anthony Peter Coman: Tony.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Okay. Let’s go ahead and hear from Tony.

Anthony Peter Coman: [Anthony Peter Coman looking at Tony] Go ahead, tell them.

Tony: It was a hot night in Grenada. The enemy was in the trees. the mud, everywhere. Sarge Sig called in the air strike but I must have got my wires crossed. Our own jets came screaming down on us and rained fire. It was like a cook out. And we were the meet. I used my best friend as an umbrella.

Alex: Okay, alright! Wow! [Cut to Alex] Wow! Um, well actually, one thing I like to is start off with a little joke. You like jokes, don’t you Wigglesby?

Wigglesby: Not as much as I like tea and crambits.

Alex: You guys go ahead and give it a try.

[Cut to George]

Herman the Hippie: Hey, have you guys seen the Hobbit movies? They’re longer than my hair, man!

George: I swear, I have the hair at home.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: It’s alright. It’s completely fine. Alright? Do you have a joke for us Mrs. Hooper?

[Cut to Maryland]

Mrs. Hooper: My grand daughter sent me a little picture of a snowman. She calls it an emoji. I call it a waste of time.

[Puppet Tony slides in]

Tony: If I had to use emojis to describe my time at Grenada, it would be palm tree, flame thrower, baby, flame thrower, mosquito, mosquito, mosquito.

Alex: Okay! Okay! [Cut to Alex] Tony, we’re telling jokes now.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Tony: Here’s a joke. God!

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Um, alright. Actually, something that makes puppets fun is that they can actually be very different from ourselves. Like, Anthony, what might be fun for all of us to see is having your puppet be like the opposite of you.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Anthony Peter Coman: The opposite of me? Okay.

Tony: I was not charged with war crimes. My favorite game is not Russian Roulette. I did not lose a full year of my life in porno theaters.

Alex: No, no! [Cut to Alex] I don’t think– I guess I mean like, even a different type of character. Different voice.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Anthony Peter Coman: Okay.

Tony: [In French accent.] My name is Jacqueline, and I like nice perfume. Bonjour.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Yayy! Yes, that’s fun. Tell us about Jacqueline.

[Cut to Anthony Peter Coman]

Tony: Jacqueline was my undercover identity. Ragen and his goons made me pose as a woman to seduce the general. It was a honey pot, a sex trap. I did what I had to do.

[Anthony Peter Coman takes smokes a cigarette but Tony breathes out the smoke.] [Cut to Alex looking shocked]

Alex: Um, now when you’re building your puppet’s personality, you wanna think about who your audience will be. So, where do you guys see yourselves performing with these puppets.

[Cut to George]

George: Well, I know this might be a bit cliche, but I always dreamed of one day I would work on Sesame street.

Herman the Hippie: [singing] Can you tell me how to get–

[Puppet Tony slides in]

Tony: [singing] How to get nightmares to stop.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Wow, Anthony, enough! Okay? You need help.

[Cut to puppet Tony shaking. He’s listening voices saying ‘help, help, help’ from the war.] [Cut to the past where two puppets are walking in the jungle.]

Washington: Thanks for the help, Anthony.

Anthony: No problem, Washington. While you’re with me, everything will be A– Stop!

[Cut to Washington’s leg triggering a mine and it exploding.]

Anthony: No!

[Cut to Washington in Anthony’s arm]

Washington: [coughing] Is that snow, Tony? Is it Christmas already?

Anthony: Yeah, that’s snow. It’s not your damn stuffing. [screaming] Washington!

[Cut to puppet Tony holding Alex’s puppet in his hand]

Alex: Okay, let’s take five, sounds good?

[Everybody agrees]

39 Cents

Charles Daniels… Bill Hader

Jay Pharoah

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Ballery… Vanessa Bayer

[Start with video clips of slum dwellers.] [Cut to Charles Daniels]

Charles Daniels: Hello. I’m Charles Daniels. For years, we’ve been taking it to villages like his, and showing you the heartbreak of families whose only mistake was being born poor. They need your help. And for only 39 cents a day, you can provide water, food and medicine for these people. Just 39 cents, that’s less than a small cup of coffee, but it can make all the difference in the world to the people in this village.

[A slum dweller washing clothes whispering]

Jay: Ask for more.

Charles Daniels: Sorry?

Jay: Ask for more money. Why are you starting so low?

[Cut to Charles Daniels speaking in the village]

Charles Daniels: As you can see these villagers are desperate for your help. So, don’t hesitate. Pick up the phone.

[Slum dwellers at the back talking]

Kenan: Ay, what they shooting?

Jay: Commercial of something.

Kenan: A what?

Charles Daniels: Dial the number and send over 39 cents. That’s all we need.

Kenan: [yelling from the back] Start higher!

Jay: I know, right?

Charles Daniels: 39 cents may not sound like a lot, but it can mean so much to these families.

Jay: [speaking from behind] It’s not even a round number. Like, if he said $one, I could see how he got there.

Kenan: Yeah, but you know, they always have to take away a penny to make it sound like less.

Jay: I get that. I’m just saying, why not start at 99 cents?

Charles Daniels: 39 cents, that’s [speaking loudly so that Jay and Kenan can hear] all these people need survive. And they’d be so, so lucky and appreciative to get it. So, for the price of a cup coffee.

[Sasheer walks to Jay and Kenan behind]

Sasheer: Who that?

Kenan: He talking about all they need to send is a bare minimum to keep us alive.

[Cut to Charles Daniels talking in another place] Charles Daniels: We’re not asking for the bare minimum. [Jay, Kenan and Sasheer are following Charles Daniels] This number has been decided by very educated and caring people who can save your lives.

Sasheer: How?

Charles Daniels: How?

Sasheer: How are you gonna safe our lives from only 39 cents? Because I’m trying to do the math in my head but I just can’t see it.

Charles Daniels: 39 cents is plenty.

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: He keeps saying 39  cents. Why you keep saying 39 cents?

Charles Daniels: For the price of a cup of coffee.

Leslie: Why can’t it be the price of Arizona Ice Tea? They 99 cents.

Charles Daniels: Because it’s not the price of an Arizona. It’s gotta be coffee.

Jay: It don’t though.

Sasheer: Plus, coffee is way more expensive than 39 cents.

Charles Daniels: It’s 39 cents. You know, for starving village, you people have a lot of energy. Maybe people will just send their checks some place else.

Kenan: Oh, you asking for a check? Yo, why would you ask for a check?

Sasheer: You’d settle for a check.

Charles Daniels: It’s got to be a check, okay?

Jay: It don’t though.

[Ballery walks in]

Ballery: Here’s your coffee and your change, Mr. Daniels.

Charles Daniels: Perfect timing Ballery. I love it.

Kenan: Ay, white lady, how much is that coffee?

Charles Daniels: It doesn’t matter.

Leslie: I bet you don’t even know what country you in.

Charles Daniels: I do know what country I’m in.

Jay, Kenan, Sasheer and Leslie: What? What country are you at?

Charles Daniels: Africa?

Jay, Kenan, Sasheer and Leslie: Oh! Listen! Hell no!

[Leslie looks at the camera and speaks]

Leslie: Ay! If you wanna see this cheap ass white man again, you better send us $Jay00 cash right now. Don’t hesitate.

[Cut to HelpFund video bumper. It has ‘Send $Jay00 to save Charles Daniels’ on it.]