Tag: Bill Hader

Herb Welch: Falling Ice

Herb Welch: Falling Ice

Herb Welch…..Bill Hader
Jack Rizzoli…..Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez…..Nasim Pedrad
Cynthia…..Emma Stone
Co-Op President…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on WXPD News title card ]
Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ cut to news desk ]
Jack: Good morning, everyone. I’m Jack Rizzoli.

Wanda: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.

Jack: Our top story today — residents in an Upper East Side co-op are outraged this morning after management failed to remove dangerous falling ice from the outside of the building. Veteran reporter Herb Welch, who is celebrating his 71st year with the station, is on the scene. Hello, Herb.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Herb: Hello, Jack.

Jack: Now, tell us, Herb, what is the mood where you are?

Herb: They changed the 8 a.m. service to a Spanish mass, so I’m not doing too well.

Jack: No. No, not your mood, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Not your mood, Herb. I’m asking — how are the residents of that building?

[ cut to Herb outside apartment complex]
Herb: I’ve got some lady. Who’re you?

Cynthia: My name is Cynthia Coralina Ronowitz.

Herb: [ groans ] Pick a name. [ they glare at each other ] Alright, what happened?

[ Herb hits Cynthia on the cheek with microphone ]

Cynthia: Ever since the storm, melting icicles have been falling onto the street. And I was almost hit on my way to work.

Herb: What are you, a cigarette girl?

[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone again, pushing her hair into her mouth ]

Cynthia: [ fixing hair ] No. I don’t smoke. Look, this ice is dangerous, and no one is doing anything about it.

Herb: Well, there you have it. You call it a bikini, but I call it too far. Back to you, Jack.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: No, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Herb. Stay on topic, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Stay on topic. You know, ask your source if anyone’s been injured, or something like that.

Herb: Don’t direct me, you tie rack.

[ cut back to Herb and Cynthia ]
[ Herb gestures to wave Jack off ]

Herb: Alright. Hey. Hey. Who’s injured? [ hits Cynthia in the face with microphone ]

Cynthia: [ throws hand up ] No one, thank God. It’s only a matter of time before someone’s hurt, or worse.

Herb: You think this Belafonte kid oughta, you know, pipe down?

[ Herb thrusts microphone at Cynthia, who blocks it with her purse. Microphone rebounds and hits Herb in the face ]

Herb: [ covering mouth ] Got me in the mouth.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Wanda ]
Wanda: Herb. Herb, have residents lodged a formal complaint with the co-op board?

Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, this lady.

Wanda: Herb. Herb, ask her.

Herb: Shouldn’t you be changing hotel linens somewhere?

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: No. No, Herb. Herb, Wanda is a respected journalist. Now ask the question.

Herb: Aw, you stink on ice.

[ cut to Herb and Cynthia ]
Cynthia: [ pointing ] Look, our co-op president is right over there. And she has repeatedly ignored our requests. She even sent me a memo telling us not to speak with reporters.

[ camera pans to Co-Op President ]

Co-Op President: [ pointing at camera ] My god, that is slander! I’ve done nothing of the sort!

Herb: Alright, and that’s the news. For G.I. Radio, this is Private Herbie Welch reminding you to keep your socks dry.

Jack: [ off-screen ] No, no, no. No, Herb, do the story.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Jack: Do it. Do the story, please.

Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, “do the st…”—alright.

[ cut to Herb at apartment complex ]
Herb: [ reaching towards Co-Op President, waving her over ] Come here. [ grabs Co-Op President’s shoulder and fondles, hand moving up to her face ] Come here. [ puts arm around her shoulder ] Tell me, sir — how’s a fellow like you fit into all this? [ hits in face with mic ]

Co-Op President: I’m a woman.

Herb: Woman, huh? [ takes off glasses ] Let me see.

[ Herb takes microphone and rubs down her chest, then taps each of her breasts repeatedly ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] No. Herb. Herb.

[ Herb hits Co-Op President in the crotch with microphone repeatedly, winding arm back further each time ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] No. No, come on. Herb.

[ Herb taps Co-Op President in the crotch quickly, then winds back and hits her like a gong ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] Herb! Aw, man. Come on.

Herb: [ puts glasses back on ] Don’t worry, ma’am. There’s always a life in the church.

Co-Op President: Dinosaur. [ starts hitting Herb with clipboard ]

Herb: Ah, get away from me.

Jack: [ off-screen ] Ah, come on, Herb. Herb!

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ]
Herb: That guy attacked me.

Jack: Well, you know, Herb, maybe it’s time you look into retirement.

Herb: [ pointing at camera ] You talk to me like that again, I’ll have my secretary Amilda fire off a memo.

Jack: No. Amilda’s not your secretary, Herb. She’s your nurse.

Herb: That woman is mean to me.

Jack: Well, I don’t blame her.

Herb: [ rushing the camera ] You son of a — [ starts hitting camera with microphone ]

Jack: Just cut away. Just cut away, please. Okay.

[ cut to news room ]
Jack: As always, we apologize to you in the Hispanic and unattractive communities. Up next, Occupy Wall Street enters its third month —

[ someone hands Jack a piece of paper, which he reads briefly ]

Jack: But first, some sad news. We’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Herb, seen here with his protégé Andy Rooney —

[ cut to black and white photograph of Herb Welch hitting Andy Rooney in the face with microphone ]

[ cut back to Jack ]
Jack: — had been in ill health for some time. We go there now.

[ cut to Cynthia and Co-Op President at apartment complex with Herb, who is frozen in a cadaveric spasm ]
Co-Op President: [ speaking into walkie-talkie ] Yeah, can we get a, uh, body removal? We have an elderly dead body.

Herb: [ revives ] Eat mic, Ponzi.

[ Herb hits Co-Op President with microphone. Co-Op President goes down ]

Cynthia: This man is awful —

[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone, who goes down as well ]

Herb: [ raising hand ] Herb Welch lives.

[ cut to news room ]
Jack: [ shaking head ] Just terrible.

Wanda: Can’t we fire him?

[ Herb’s hand comes from right off-screen and hits Wanda in the face with microphone ]

Jack: [ gestures at Wanda and laughs ]

[ Herb’s hand comes from left off-screen and hits Jack in the face with microphone ]

Jack: Oh — [ grimaces ]

[ cut to WXPD title card ]

Weekend Update Stefon

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Stefon… Bill Hader

Shy… John Mulaney

Colin Jost: And today is St. Patrick’s day which means millions of tourists have come to the Big Apple. Here with some tips on what to check out is out Weekend Update’s city correspondant, Stefon.

[Stefon slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Stefon: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, Stefon.

Stefon: Conor, Persie, it’s nice to be here.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Stefon. So, the parade is now over? I bet a lot of people out there are looking for a great New York hangout? Do you have any recommendations?

Stefon: Yes. If you’re drunk in midtown doing cheap coke off your laundry card, I have just the place for you. New York’s hottest club is Gaddush. Inspired by true events. It is former CVS which became a chase bank and then became a CVS again, has a familiar yet troubling feel. Like, when Larry King would play himself in a movie. This place has everything. Death sets, key fobs, kale chips, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Plus, you can play everyone’s favorite party game, the stranger.

Michael Che: What’s the Stranger?

Stefon: Do you know that Billy Joel song, The Stranger?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Stefon: Well, it’s when you sit on Billy Joel’s hand until it’s numb and then you rub yourself with it.

Colin Jost: Wait, why does it have to be numb?

Stefon: So you can pretend it’s Bruce Springsteen’s hand.

Colin Jost: Stefon, let’s get back on track. I think a lot of people are in town for St. Patrick’s day. And they might be looking for something a little different.

Michael Che: Yeah. Something more Irish themed.

Stefon: Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Moonlight, La-la Land.

Michael Che: What?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: If you’re Irish or just white and violent, I have a St. Patty’s place for you. New York’s hottest Irish club is “Off the church, mother.” Located in the clogged heart of the Bronx at the corner of threethousand street and Gary Marshall Memorial Drive. This gang ridden skateboard park was the ceremony spot for Vern Troyer’s twothousandfour wedding. This place has everything. Peeps, ted talks, Roman J. Israel Esquire. Be sure to hit the dance floor and do a jig with Ireland’s hottest Farrakhans.

Michael Che: Wait. Louis Farrakhan is at this club?

Stefon: No. Farrakhans. Leprechaun’s that look like Farah Fawcett. But also, yes. Minister Farrakhan will be there.

Colin Jost: Alright. Stefon, come on.

Stefon: Please, call me by your name.

Colin Jost: Fine. Colin. Just give us that one place. Tell us that one place that ordinary tourist might enjoy. Please.

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes. If you’re ordinary and you love seizure inducing Malaysian music, I’ve just a place for you. New York’s hottest club is “Stand clear of the closing doors please.” Built in upside down world, this haunted hospice was closed when the inspectors found a sexy form of asbestos that could cause disease.

Michael Che: What disease you get from sexy asbestos?

Stefon: Me-so-hornioma. This place has everything. Young popes, old popes, Roman J. Israel Esquire. But avoid the dance floor in Wednesdays when a dozen hot dachshunds and corgi’s get in free. They call it long and low night. I don’t trust any dog whose stomach touches the ground. Plus, you can party in the VIP room with a group of human squatty potties.

Michael Che: What is a human squatty potty?

Stefon: It’s that thing of– you know what? It’s a new era and I don’t want to say a word that could be insensitive. May I consult my lawyer quickly?

Michael Che: Sure.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Stefon: Great! He’s an attorney and a conceptual piss artist named Shy. Shy?

[Shy walks in with a briefcase]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: Hi, Shy.

Shy: Hello, gentlemen. How are you?

[everyone laughing]

Stefon: Shy, do people still use the word… [Shy and Stefon start whispering] Got it. Thank you, Shy.

[Shy walks out]

Human squatty potties. it’s that thing of when you sit on a toilet and to have a good posture, two little people crouch in the bathroom floor and you put your feet on their hand.

Colin Jost: Okay. Alright. I’m really glad you made sure to make that not insensitive. Thank you very much. That’s great.

Stefon: Let’s take a closer look at political correctness.

[“A Closer Look” video bumper playing at the bottom of the screen.]

Michael Che: Wait, isn’t “A Closer Look” Seth’s thing?

Stefon: Oh. Seth and I are versatile. Some nights I do it and he’s under the desk.

Colin Jost: It’s Stefon, everyone.

Stefon: Jill Stein 2020.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Undercover Office Potty

Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Adam… Chris Redd

Boss… Bill Hader

[Starts with Johnson working in office at his desk. Kyle walks in.]

Kyle: Hey, Johnson. Don’t forget, we need those reports by the end of the day.

Johnson: You got it.

[Johnson starts having stomach problem. He looks at his watch.]

Female voice: Need to go to the bathroom? But you have a lot of work to do. And it’s all the way down the hall.

Johnson: Yes.

Female voice: We’ve all been there before. Why don’t you check your lamp?

Johnson: Huh?

Female voice: Check your lamp.

[Johnson checks his big lamp. The lamp can be opened and there’s a hollow space in the lamp stand.]

Johnson: Whoa!

Female voice: Go ahead. Do you business.

Johnson: What do you mean?

Female voice: Use it as a toilet.

Johnson: Oh, now I get it.

Female voice: Introducing the Undercover Office Potty. The only toilet that looks like a lamp so you can go whenever you want and no one has to know. Just open it up and go to town. It will be our little secret.

[Johnson puts the lamp back]

Johnson: Thanks, Under Cover Office Potty. I did good.

[Kyle walks back in]

Kyle: Hey, Johnson. Did you get around those reports?

Johnson: Yeah. Finished them a while ago. [whispering at the camera] I had plenty of time.

Kyle: Wait, why do you have so many lamps on your desk?

Johnson: Oh. I guess I like a lot of light.

[Kyle smells around]

Kyle: Oh, god! It stinks in here.

Johnson: Well, it wasn’t me. I used the bathroom all the way down the hall.

Kyle: Jesus! I think it’s these lamps.

[Kyle smells the lamp from close]

Holy [bleep], man! It’s definitely these lamps. Oh, my god!

Johnson: [yelling] It smells like regular lamps to me.

Kyle: Hey Adam, get in here.

[Adam walks in smelling around]

Adam: Holy [bleep] .

Johnson: Alright, everybody calm down.

[Adam smells the lamp too.]

Adam: Oh! Um-umm! There’s something wrong with these lamps.

Johnson: Oh, yeah, right. I probably have to get back to work.

Kyle: Dude, did you take [bleep] in your lamps?

Johnson: What? In these lamps? I don’t think so.

Kyle: We gotta do something about this. I’m telling Mr. Anderson.

Johnson: No. Please.

[Boss walks to Johnson’s office. Johnson walks out and closes the door before Boss reaches in.]

Boss: Johnson, this is never easy but your coworkers are complaining about your lamps.

Johnson: But I go to the bathroom all the way down the hall.

Boss: I have to take a look at these lamps.

[Boss walks in]

Oh, my god!

[Boss opens the lamps]

Oh! You lied, Johnson. You went to the bathroom in the lamps. Get them out of here.

Johnson: Yes, sir. Sorry sir.

[Johnson throws all the lamps to the garbage]

Female voice: Let me guess, nosy coworkers caught on to the lamps because you had too many on your desk?

Johnson: Yeah.

Female voice: We’ve got you covered with everyday office items that you can use as a toilet. Introducing the Undercover Office Potty Disguise Supplies. There’s the stapler, the tape dispenser and the automatic pencil sharpener.

[Cut to Johnson in his office with these new supplies. The supplies are too huge of a size. His colleagues walk pass by.]

Johnson: Hey, guys, look. I got rid of the lamps.

Kyle: Why is your tape disperser so massive?

Johnson: Hmm. Because I like a lot of tapes.

[Boss walks in and opens the tape dispenser]

Boss: God! He’s going to the bathroom in his oversized office supplies.
Johnson: But I go to the bathroom down the hall.

Boss: What is wrong with you?

Johnson: I just need–

Boss: [yelling] Why would you do this?

Johnson: The voiceover said it would save time for business.

Boss: What have you been working on?

Johnson: I don’t know. I’ve been too busy going to the bathroom.

Boss: It smells like [bleep] in here.

Johnson: [sobbing] Am I fired?

Boss: Yes!

[Johnson is walking out]

And take that [bleep] with you.

Johnson: Right. Yeah, of course.

[Johnson tries to carry them all at once. He spills all the toilet on the hallway.]

Female voice: Undercover Office Potty. Be gold Be true. Make the bathroom come to you.

The Californians- Replacing Rosa

Kate McKinnon

Devin… Bill Hader

Stuart… Fred Armisen

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Male voice: Next on “The Californians.”

[Cut to Kate walking inside a house]

Kate: [talking on the phone] No. I’m at the property. I recognized it right away from the Bouganvia from the Cascading over the security gate. But no one’s here.

Devin: I am. [Kate is shocked] Sorry to startle you.

Kate: that’s okay. I love these beautiful beach wood floor.

Devin: Rosa cleaned them with California Meyer lemons. I miss Rosa. Look how smart she was. [Devin shows a picture of Rosa]

Kate: Oh. So what happened to Rosa anyway? Why would she give up this primo made gig?

Devin: Well, if you wanna know the truth.

Kate: Um-hmm. Tell me.

[Stuart comes in]

Stuart: Devin! What are you doing here and what were you about to say?

Devin: You weren’t here, Stuart. So, I had to show your new maid around.

Kate: I’m not a maid. I’m an estate manager from Marina, LA.

Stuart: Sorry, I’m late. Traffic run LAX was insane because Trump is in town. I drove my convertible Corvette up Sepulveda, took it to Sentinela, turned down on La Brea, took it all the way straight.

Devin: Well, you would have been on time if you had took culvar to the one, then turned right on sunset. That’s what it says to do on Google Maps.

Stuart: Devin, I use Ways.

Devin: That’s why you ended up in Englewood, bro. Ways isn’t always right, Stuart.

Stuart: Yes, it is, Devin! I love Ways.

Devin: Google Maps gives you traffic updates, Stuart.

Kate: Wait. I’m sorry. So, why did Rosa decide to leave?

Stuart: I can’t think about that right now. I have my Athleisure wear launch.

Devin: Rosa was deported.

[Everybody is dramatic making faces]

[They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves]

[Cut to “The Californians” intro]

Male voice: “The Californians.”

[Cut to four people hanging out]

Stuart: Thank you all for coming to my launch party.

Kenan: To Stuart’s new Athleisure wear.

Alex: Cheers to West Coast fit. I’m ready to invest.

Cecily: And Stuart, I’m so excited to be your company model. I can’t wait to wear your Athleisure on my Sunrise [gibberish] beach.

Stuart: Sumner, you’ve got the perfect look for that West Coast fit.

Kenan: Stuart, this party is a hit. Nothing could ruin it, man.

[Devin walks in]

Devin: Oh, yeah? What if I told everybody your wife left for a marine biologist in Fresno?

Stuart: You don’t know what you’re talking about, Devin. You’re drunk on that California sparkling rosé.

Devin: I’m not drunk to know that she got in her Prius hybrid and drove straight up the five towards 99 North then took exit onethirtyone.

Cecily: Exit onethirtyone? That’s the aquarium in Fresno.

Devin: She did it to get away from you, Stuart.

[emotional music playing in background]

Stuart: I just want to run away up the one-ten. On the shoulder.

[Pete walks in. He has long hair and is wearing brown leather jacket.]

Pete: I have something to say.

Devin: Who are you?

Pete: I’m Rosa’s long lost son. She told me my father would be here. His name is Devin?

Devin: [making dramatic face] What?

Pete: What is with that accent? Where are you guys from?

Stuart: We’re from California.

Pete: Well, I’m from Encino and I’ve never heard anything like that before.

[Again, everybody is making dramatic faces]

[They all walk to the mirror and look at themselves]

[Cut to “The Californians” outro]

Jurassic Park Auditions

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

Alan Alda, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood… Bill Hader

Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow, Jodie Foster… Kate McKinnon

Wesley Snipes, Jaleel White… Chris Redd

Roseanne Barr… Aidy Bryant

Gwen Stefoni… Melissa Villaseñor

Joey Lawrence… Kyle Mooney

Drew Barrymore… Heidi Gardner

Pee Wee Herman… Mikey Day

Whoopi Golberg… Leslie Jones

Adam Sandler… Pete Davidson

Sinbad, OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Eddie Vedder… Luke Null

[starts with video clips from the Jurassic Park]

Male voice: 25 years ago, Steven Spielberg opened the door to Jurassic Park. And inside those doors, spoiler alert, were dinosaurs. Now, as part of the 25th anniversary rerelease, you can watch the original 1992 screen test.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Hugh Grant for Dr. Alan Grant.

Hugh Grant: [speaking fast] Yes. Hate to be a bother but if you look behind you, there’s a bit of a T-Rex. And I thought perhaps we should move faster? To escape? It’s a rather large teeth.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Alon Alda for Muldoon.

Alon Alda: [acting like he’s holding a gun] Clever girl. When dinosaur comes out and attacks me? Oh, you guys, that is great. That is just terrific. And how you guys gonna shoot the dinosaurs? Is it gonna be forced perspective? You know, that’s how we shot Jamie Farr on “Mash.” Yeah, I know. He’s only about two feet tall.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Ellen DeGeneres for Dr. Sattler.

Ellen DeGeneres: Alright, wow. That’s a gigantic pile of dino poop. I’ve had stools on stage before but this is ridiculous. I’m just kidding. I’m 90’s Ellen.

[Cut to Wesley Snipes]

Wesley Snipes: Hey, I’m telling y’all. Spend your money. Alright? IRS can’t take it if it’s already spent. Can’t take something already gone. That’s a tax loophole for you, brother.

Director: Wesley.

Wesley Snipes: Huh?

Director: Could we get the line?

Wesley Snipes: Oh, yeah.  Bingo, dino DNA. Now, if y’all want my accountant’s number it’s 1900–

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Roseanne Barr for John Hammond.

Roseanne Barr: Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Director: Nope.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Adam Sandler for Muldoon.

Adam Sandler: Alright. Thank you.

[singing in squeaky voice] turkey lurkey doo and turkey lurkey dee
I like the T-Rex, does T-Rex like me?

[screaming] Just shut up!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Whoopi Golberg as Dr. Sattler.

Whoopi Goldberg: Well, let’s talk about it. Coz the last thing I need right now is dinosaurs. And then, I’ll get he dinosaur look like [making face]

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Pee Wee Herman.

Pee Wee Herman: Ha-ha. Uh-uh-uh! You didn’t say the magic word. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Drew Barrymore for Dr. Sattler.

Drew Barrymore: [in shaky voice] There are brontosauruses and brachiosauruses and apatosauruses. But I have to wonder, are we playing god?.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Joey Lawrence from Blossom.

Director: Okay, react to seeing a dinosaur for the first time.

Joey Lawrence: Whoa!

Director: Alright. Wanna try anything else?

Joey Lawrence: No!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Gwen Stefoni as the teenage girl.

Gwen Stefoni: I’m just a girl. Don’t need me, big dinosaur.

Director: Can we get a frighten scream?

Gwen Stefoni: [in girly way] Oooh!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Sinbad.

[Sinbad is there with a mic doing standup.]

Sinbad: Now, y’all know that my wife is a triceratops, right? Yeah. I wait downstairs while she tries on several touch. How y’all doing? Y’all good?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Al Pacino.

Al Pacino: Welcome to Jurassic Park, you dumb [bleep].

Director: Hey, Al Pacino, this movie is supposed to be PG.

Al Pacino: PG? That’s gonna be a [bleep] nightmare for this guy. No, no, no, no, no, no. Alright, which dinosaur do I buy the cocaine from?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Lisa Kudrow.

Lisa Kudrow: Well, there’s T-Rex. And must- must move faster. Must move faster. Oh, no. Oh, no. Must move faster.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jaleel White.

Director: Okay, so you just let all the dinosaurs loose on the island.

Jaleel White: Did I do that? I got bitches in my trailer. I gotta go, man.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Eddie Vedder for the soundtrack.

Eddie Vedder: [singing] Raptors are opening, opening the door. Daddy!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jodie Foster as Mr. DNA.

Jodie Foster: [whispering] Sometimes a mosquito would get caught in the sap. It was so sticky. So sticky.

Director: Could you try it a little happier?

Jodie Foster: [whispering] That’s the happiest I’ve ever been. Today is my birthday.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Okay. So, if I did let the dinosaurs out, let me tell you how I would have done it. Hypothetically. Man, 1992. Phew. It is good to be OJ right now. Ain’t nothing gonna slow this train down. Go, OJ, Go.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Clin Eastwood. Take one.

Clint Eastwood: Welcome to Jurassic Park. [he has think long fake dinosaur tail]

[Cut to Jurassic Park video bumper]

Male voice: The 25th anniversary , Jurassic Park.

Irish Dating Show

Aden Kilkenny… Beck Bennett

Nial… Bill Hader

Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Molly… Aidy Bryant

Diobhan… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Hi there, you’re watching Ireland One, the only channel on telly not controlled by the bleeding British. Next up, it’s our number one dating show, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.”

[Cut to Aden Kilkenny walking to the game stage]

Aden Kilkenny: Hi. Welcome to Kiss Me I’m Irish. I’m your host Aden Kilkenny. Today, one fellow will choose between three Irish roses to see which one smells the sweetest. Let’s meet our Danny boy.

Nial: [strong Irish accent] I’m called Nial. I’m from Dangle. My favorite food is gray. My claim to fame is that I’ve punched Bono in the back of the head. At least I think it was Bono.

Aden Kilkenny: Better be safe than sorry. And what kind of girl re you hoping to meet?

Nial: Not to be too picky but a gal I suppose. Unmarried.

Aden Kilkenny: Well, you’re in luck. We’ve got three of them behind that wall there. Each one is beautiful as their skin is bright red under their makeup. Let’s meet them.

Eileen: [strong Irish accent] Hi. I’m Eileen. I’m a good catholic girl which means I love god and god hates me coz I’m thinking impure thoughts about you.

Molly: Hi, I’m Molly. I’m Irish American. But I live over here because I’m studying stones. And if you follow this rainbow, you might get a pot of gold.

Diobhan: [strong Irish accent] I’m Siobhan. I’m from Dylan. I’ve got 35 suspicious freckles in my body. But I’m looking for a guy to check the ones I can’t see.

Nial: I’ve got a cousin Siobhan from Dylan. Siobhan O’Conor.

Diobhan: Ay! That’s me.

Nial: Is it now? What are the chances?

Molly: Cousins? Well, it sounds like my chances just got a little better.

Aden Kilkenny: What are you saying, Nial? First impression of the girls?

Nial: Well, number three is my cousin. So, she is definitely off to an early lead. The contestants one and two, I’m open to learn more about you.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, seems like there’s some competition. Nial, what’s your first question?

Nial: Call me old fashioned, but I like a girl who knows her way around the kitchen. Number three, what would you make me for supper?

Molly: Um, wait. The cousin is still playing?

Diobhan: That’s easy. I’d make our Nana’s famous pope’s pie. I know how much you loved it as a kid.

Nial: Great answer.

Eileen: I’m sorry but this is ridiculous.

Molly: I know. Right? Like, what is going on?

Eileen: She’s got such a leg upon us coz they’re cousins. How are we supposed to compete with that?

Molly: Okay. That was not what I was gonna say.

Aden Kilkenny: Alright. Settle down. Plenty of bachelors on the show. I’ve picked a girl other than their non-cousins.

Nial: Trust me. One and two, you’re very much both still in the game. Which brings me to the next question. Contestant one, where would you take me on your first dte?

Eileen: Well, that’s easy. I’d take you to my favorite pub up in Dylan, the Stone Bone. The drinks are free and we can stay past closed coz I know the owner. He’s my dad.

Nial: I know the owner too. He’s my uncle. Eileen, it’s me, your cousin Nial.

Eileen: Handsome Nial?

Nial: St. John’s ghost, this game just got a lot more competitive.

Molly: Wait, more competitive? You’re related. The game should be over.

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, I’m afraid. You’re in tough spot, Molly. Very rarely does the bachelor pick the non-cousin when there are two cousins in the running. Alright, you lucky boy. Next question.

Nial: Ladies, what’s your idea of a romantic evening? Let’s start with contestant number two.

Molly: I guess dinner with a guy who isn’t related to me?

Nial: Picky picky. How about you, contestant number one?

Eileen: My idea of romantic evening would be weddings, funerals and holy communions coz that’s when I get to see you.

[Audience going ‘Aww’]

Molly: Wait, the audience likes that?

Nial: Contestant number three, your turn. What’s your idea of romantic evening?

Diobhan: Oh, I think you remember. Three good Fridays ago, an alley behind the fish mongers.

Nial: Oh. That I do. That I do.

Molly: Ew! So you already hooked up with your cousin?

Diobhan: Calm down. We didn’t have sex. We just had sex. We didn’t get married or nothing.

Molly: Ew! Is this common here? Aren’t you guys worried about like, deformities from inbreeding?

Nial: What? Like bird bones? Soft skull? Strawberry nose? Tic-tac teeth? Brown blood? One big toe? Great advice, but you’re about 500 years too late.

Eileen: You see, that’s why I always had a crush on him coz he’s got it going on up here. [pointing at the forehead. She has a deformed hand.]

Molly: Okay. I’m gonna stay but only because I’m morbidly curious about who is gonna win.

[choir sound]

Aden Kilkenny: Oh, that sound means father Mike is coming to hear a confession. So, its time for us to take a quick break. I’m Aden Kilkenny, and we’ll be right back.

Girlfriends Game Night

Aidy Bryant

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Genie… Cecily Strong

Horace… Bill Hader.

[Starts with three ladies waiting for

Aidy: What time is it? Is Genie still coming?

Anna: I just got a text. She’s saying they’re in the elevator.

Melissa: They? Oh, my god.

Aidy: Wait. Is she bringing her boyfriend?

Anna: His name is Horace and they’re married. Remember?

Melissa: Does she go anywhere without him? It’s just so weird.

Anna: You just think it’s weird because he’s an older man. Oh, shh. I think–

[Genie walks in. Horace is following her in on an automatic wheelchair. He is bald on top and has white hair on side and back. He is wearing a blanket and an old man sweater. He is very old.]

Genie: Hi. Hi. Sorry, we’re late. It’s been a chaotic week. Horace’s sons are suing me again. Horace, where are you going? To the– [Horace goes straight and hits the wall] Oh! Horace, be careful. You are being such a dude right now. [to her friends] Men. How do we, ladies? Speaking of, Anna, how was your honeymoon?

Anna: Oh. Paris was amazing.

Genie: Horace, they went to Paris. Anna went to Paris.

Horace: Uh-huh.

Aidy: That’s so romantic.

Genie: You know, Horace used to live in Paris during World War II. He can speak fluent French. Horace, speak some French.  Horace, speak some French to them.

Horace: No. [laughing]

Genie: Oh! Oh! Mr. Comedian. Right. Because ‘No’ is the same in French. You know, you’re laughing at your joke more than anyone else as usual.

[Horace is moving his shoulder like he’s laughing]

Aidy: Is he still laughing? Is maybe something wrong?

Genie: No. No. He is just tickled. Don’t encourage him.

Anna: Are you sure he’s okay?

Genie: Yes. Just let him have his laughing phase. Are you done?

Horace: Okay.

Anna: So? Are we gonna play Uno or what?

Aidy: Yes! Let’s do it.

Horace: I’m ready.

Aidy: Oh! Is Horace playing?

Horace: Genie, it’s here now?

Genie: It is? Like, right now? Oh, that’s inconvenient.

Melissa: What’s here?

Genie: Oh. He’s got a– You guys know how we’re trying to get pregnant. We’ve been working with the specialists. We’re doing all these treatments. Yada-yada-yada. His cialis kicked in.

Horace: It’s here. Let’s go.

Anna: Wait. What are you doing?

Genie: Well, we just have to take advantage when it’s here. Just, you know.

[Genie takes the blanket and sits on Horace’s lap]

Melissa: Why?

Genie: Hey, don’t worry. I have this courtesy blanket so you won’t see anything.

[Horace is shouting]

Melissa: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t do that here.

Horace: Oh, it’s a good one.

Genie: We have to. You guys know how bad I want a baby.

Aidy: Oh my god. You can’t do that old man here.

Horace: Oh, yeah. Look out.

Genie: Guys. It’s like breast feeding in public, okay? It’s about accomplishing a task. It’s not a sexual thing.

Anna: Alright. But sex is a sexual thing.

Genie: No, Anna, believe me, okay? This is all by the numbers. It’s science. It’s clinical. It’s boring.

Aidy: Okay. Well, can you at least use the bedroom?

Anna: Don’t offer my bedroom. I sleep in there.

Genie: Guys, guys, it’s nothing. I can talk and chew gum at the same time. You know what? Let’s just play. Horace, can you move me closer to the table? [Horace takes them to the table on his automatic wheelchair.] Slow, Horace. [They push the table far away] Slow. Horace. Horace, slow. Horace.

Aidy: Where are my cards? Okay, I will go first I guess.

Horace: Oh, yeah!

Genie: My cards are terrible.

Horace: Oh, yeah.

Anna: You know what? I’m sorry. You know what? I just– I can’t do this.

Horace: You can change your cards if you want.

Anna: No. Not the game. You and your husband doing that.

Genie: You guys, seriously. You know how important being a mom is to me.

Melissa: I know that. And I’m trying to not see what I’m seeing. But I think this is making it to the point where I can never look at you again.

Genie: Oh, my god. Okay. Does everyone feel that way?

Aidy: Actually, yeah.

Genie: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess we will leave. Come on, Horace. Wow! [Genie and Horace move to the door on the wheelchair.] Slow. Slow. Horace.

Horace: You know what? No.

[Horace moves the wheelchair backwards pushing the table and everything.]

You know what? You should be ashamed of yourselves. This woman is your friend. She always dreamed of being a mom. It’s been a very difficult journey for her and she needs your support. If you can’t give her that, then you’re not a kind friend.

Genie: Oh!

Anna: Yeah.

Aidy: You’re right.

Melissa: We are sorry.

Anna: Yeah. You’re gonna make a excellent mother.

[Horace starts screaming]

Genie: Horace?

[The End]

CBC Report

Interviewer… Cecily Strong

Thomas Logan… Bill Hader

Actress… Heidi Gardner

Win Butler

Régine Chassagne

Richard Reed Parry

William Butler

Tim Kingsbury

Jeremy Gara

[Starts with video clips of Toronto cities.]

Male voice: Tonight on CBC News Hour. The #MeToo movement that started in Hollywood has now reached Canadian shores. As new accusations of sexual misconduct are made against Toronto producer, Thomas Logan. Once considered the biggest movie mogul in the north is now being called “Canadian Harvey Weinstein.”

[Cut to Thomas Logan’s interview]

Thomas Logan: Yeah. I’ve heard all these accusations against me and I’m here to say it’s all true. I definitely abuse my power. Yes.

Interviewer: Why don’t you tell the folks at home what you did exactly?

Thomas Logan: Yeah. You know, I have this assistant. And I was real inappropriate. Saying stuff like, “You look nice today,” or “What kind of sunglasses are those?” You know, really pestering her. You know. So, she got ticked and I just went ahead and resigned.

[Cut to pictures of Thomas Logan with the celebrities]

Male voice: Logan now exposed as a monster by Canadian standards has taken his name off some of his greatest hits. Movies like, “Y’ Don’t Say,” “It Happened At Tim Hortons,” and “Dave, the Dave Thomas Story” starring Dave Foley. Watch as the disgraced moguls confronted by his victims.

[Cut to Thomas Logan sitting beside Actress]

Actress: Yeah. So, I’m minding my own when Thomas walks in and says, “That’s a nice sweater you got there.” And I’m thinking, “That’s a bit forward.”

Thomas Logan: As soon as I realized, I said I was sorry.

Actress: Oh, yeah, yeah. He said he was sorry.

Thomas Logan: So, I got HR and I say sorry. I gotta say that I really put boot in this time. And HR lady says, “No. I’m sorry. I should have seen this coming.” So, I resigned and then she resigned.

Actress: And I resigned too coz I was just so sorry about how it turned out.

[Cut to pictures of Thomas Logan with his friends]

Male voice: Watch as his close collaborators process the fact that they’ve been working with a monster. As Canadian super group ‘Arcade Fire’ shares their sordid story.

[Cut to ‘Arcade Fire’ being interviewed]

Win Butler: Yeah. I don’t really know the fella. But I guess we did a soundtrack for him once.

Interviewer: And are you sorry you did that, Win?

Win Butler: Oh, yeah. Real sorry.

Interviewer: And the rest of you? Régine?

Régine Chassagne: I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Richard Reed Parry

Richard Reed Parry: Oh, I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Hmm. William Butler?

William Butler: Not Canadian but still sorry.

Interviewer: Tim Kingsbury? Timmy?

William Butler: I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Jeremy?

Jeremy Gara: Drums.

Win Butler: We were saying sorry.

Jeremy Gara: Sorry. Yeah. I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Well, I’m sorry guys. We have to wrap this up.

[Arcade Fire and Interviewer start saying sorry to each other.]

Male voice: All that was Mooses on the news. Tonight on CBC.

Bill Hader Explains SNL Monologue

Bill Hader

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Hader.

[Bill Hader walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Bill Hader: Come on! Let’s hear it. Come on! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow! Happy St. Patrick’s day. Yeah. It’s great to be back on Saturday Night Live. I was on this show for eight seasons. [cheers and applause] 210 episodes. I was nervous for every one of them and I’m nervous now. [cheers and applause] But there’s still so much I’m learning. Did you know that most hosts come on the show to promote something. Like, when they asked me to host, I said, “I’d love to but I have this new show called ‘Barry’ on HBO premiering March 25th. Isn’t that a conflict of interest?” And they said, “No. It helps.” [laughter] I didn’t know that.

Another thing I never realized is, you know, when someone does the impression of a celebrity and then the real celebrity sneaks behind them like, “Tap, tap. I just caught you.” That’s planned. [laughing] I didn’t know that. From the get go. I always thought that the celebrity was maybe walking down the street and news boy was like, “Hey, they’re doing you on the TV.” And the celebrity was like, “Honey, you and the kids take a cab home. I have to stop this.”

One thing I learned after leaving the show was that first commercial after the monologue, the ones we’re in, the ones that are like, “It’s toothpaste with crack in it.” Those are fake! I didn’t know that. You can’t buy these products.

You know, another thing I learned is you can make the monologue as short as you want. So, let’s move on to the next sketch. [The costume team walk in and starts changing his clothes on stage] What do you guys say? You guys wanna do that? See, I’m the host. I can tear the clothes off and put on new ones and it’s called the quick change. Or as they also call it a ticking time bomb. By the way, Arcade Fire is here. [cheers and applause] Also, I have three daughters watching from home. Their names are Hannah, Harper and Hailey. [The costume team are putting on a wig and doing the make up on him] They are also known in the neighborhood as the hater sisters. And they’re watching from the place called California. Roll tape!

[The End]

Anderson Cooper White House Turmoil Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

Michael Wolf… Fred Armisen

Anthony Scaramucci… Bill Hader

[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper and if you ever wondered what’s whiter than St. Patrick’s day, you’re looking at it. Tonight, a White House making big moves. FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe was out, fired late on Friday, a day before he was able to receive his pension. Here to explain is the man who had to do the firing, attorney general Jeff Sessions.

[Cut to split screen with Anderson Cooper and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Hello. Look at me. I still got a job.

Anderson Cooper: Sir, can you give us the exact reason McCabe was fired?

Jeff Sessions: Well, yes. Of course. Mr. McCabe was in clear violation because of his lack of candor– what– I don’t know. I can’t even dance around. Trump made me do it. McCabe saw too much. You know?

Anderson Cooper: Okay. So, this was not your decision?

Jeff Sessions: Look, I’m always down to clown but this was sneaky even for me. I’m just a simple man who wanted to make things bad for immigrants. And now, here I am taking away the pension of a Christian white. It ain’t right.

Anderson Cooper: Well, there are rumors that you might be the next to go.

Jeff Sessions: Well, frankly, I can’t believe I lasted this long. I’m like the energizer bunny. I keep going and going and I drink water like this. [making face] But look, y’all need me right now coz if I get fired, it’s gonna launch Robert Mueller right into space. But if I do go, don’t worry. I’m still going to weak havoc. Like Taraji P. Henson said, I can do bad all by myself.

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, Mr. Sessions. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] This week has brought several high profile firing from the Trump administration including secretary of state, Rex Tillerson who joins me now.

[Rex Tillerson is sitting beside Anderson Cooper]

Rex Tillerson: How are you doing? [cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Quite well, sir. Quite well. Now, the way it went down must have been a little embarrassing for you but you’ve been pretty gracious about your exit.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. It just wasn’t a good fit. But, these things happen.

Anderson Cooper: Now, it was widely reported that you were fired by a tweet from the president.

Rex Tillerson: Well, that’s not true. John Kelly called me personally. He said, “Where are you?” I said, “Sir, that’s private.” He said, “Oh, good. Are you in the toilet? Coz I got some news.”

Anderson Cooper: Are you okay?

Rex Tillerson: I’m– I’m fine. [Rex Tillerson drinks a lot of water] It’s just crazy how one day you’re the CEO of Exxon,  a $50 billion company, and the next day you get fired by a man who used to sell steaks in the mail.

[Rex Tillerson crushes the class he was holding.]

Anderson Cooper: Rex Tillerson is obviously still processing this. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] Joining me now are two people who have a first hand knowledge of White House dysfunction. Fire and Fury author Michael Wolf and Trump’s Communications Director for eleven days, Anthony Scaramucci.

[Cut to Michael Wolf and Anthony Scaramucci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Scaramucci: How you doing? Hello, it’s me the mooch! Like these threads? It’s for suit made by the Olive garden. Oh!

[Cut to all]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Scramucci, it’s been a while. What have you been up to lately?

Anthony Scaramucci: Lately? What was I up to before? Nobody knows. The fidget spinner. The Trump White House. I made a big splash. Then one day, everybody was like, “Whoa! What the hell was that about?” Speaking of fading away, Rexi, I’m really sorry about what happened. You and I, we’re kind of the same now.

Rex Tillerson: Ha-ha-ha-ha. No.

Anthony Scaramucci: Still, Rexi, it was a big shock.

Michael Wolf: Oh, please! I knew months ago.

Anderson Cooper: Now Mr. Wolf, you saw the dysfunction of the White House up close. Is it as bad as they say?

Michael Wolf: Oh, it’s worse. Much worse. people don’t know this but Trump would line up his staff and use a laser pointer and circle their love handles everyday.

Anderson Cooper: Wow! Is that really true?

Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.

Anderson Cooper: Okay. Gentlemen, any insights into–

Rex Tillerson: [yelling] Trump is a moron! Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. I just blurted that one out. Whoo! Feels nice to say what I want. Call Jurassic Park coz Rexi is loose.

Anderson Cooper: Yeah. Well, that was very startling. Now, any insight into who’s next to go?

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah. Jared Kushner is toast, baby. Look, you didn’t hear this from me but the guy is in debt up to his cajones. The Russians, the Saudis, Tommy Toupee down at the Aqueduct. Hold on, you’re not recording this, right?

Anderson Cooper: Yes. We’re on live TV.

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, Anthony, you stepped in it again. Mabagagoli!

Anderson Cooper: And now that McCabe is out, any insight into who Trump will pick to run the FBI?

Michael Wolf: Right. Well, my sources tell me the job is down to two candidates. Milwaukee sheriff David Clark or the president’s favorite TV detective, Monk.

Anderson Cooper: Are you sure about that?

Michael Wolf: Oh, come on. It sounds right. Doesn’t it?

Anderson Cooper: I suppose.

Michael Wolf: Okay, well, I don’t know. Shut up? It’s all in my new book.

Anderson Cooper: Wait. Hold on. You’re writing another book about the White House? Yeah. And this one’s gonna blow your mind. Now, I’m not in the White House anymore but I have a new source that tells me everything.

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard about this guy. What a rat. Completely off the record, it’s me. Wait, is this being recorded?

Anderson Cooper: Yes. Yes. We’re still on live television.

Anthony Scaramucci: Yei-ga-sheba-gola-gaba-gaga-garli! [to Michael Wolf] You’re not going to mention me by name, right?

Michael Wolf: Of course, I am.

Anthony Scaramucci: You’re gonna make me look good, right?

Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.

Anthony Scaramucci: I love this guy. I love. [Anthony Scaramucci starts kissing Michael Wolf’s forehead]

Anderson Cooper: Alright. Now let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll have the first returns from the Russian election.

Rex Tillerson: Putin won. Just a hunch.

Anderson Cooper: We’re gonna take a quick break. But first…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!