Weekend Update Stefon on Autumn’s Hottest Tips

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Stefon.. Bill Hader

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set.]

Michael Che: Its autumn in New York, which means millions of tourists will be heading to the city to see the big apple and it’s new mayor have to offer. Here is some tips as our Weekend Update’s city correspondence, Stefon.

[Stefon slides in] [cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Colin Jost: Thanks so much for joining us Stefon.

[Stefon looks here and there.] [Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: How long have I been in anesthesia?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Oh, a lot has changed, you know. Colin and I host Weekend Update now.

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: Hmm, on of each.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

I like it.

Michael Che: Now, a lot of tourists want to check out what mayor Di Blasio’s New York has to offer. Are there any fun spots for them?

Stefon: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Barack, Mit.

Michael Che: Come on, man!

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: If you’re looking for berserk night out in the new New York, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is Wimsy. Condemned by glad and EPA from ghost busters. This old wet band aid found in a Jacuzzi is a kind of place that makes you feel weird the next time you see your parents. This plae has everything. Kufi hats, congos, MTV’s Dan Cortese. And that TV channel at the hotel, that’s like about the hotel.

The vibrant side is strange yet familiar. Like, when you see billboards for sign filled rewinds in a Puerto Rican neighborhood.

Yo Swe Kastanje, weeknights at 66:thirty.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Fine. Real quick. How is Seth doing? Did he come with you?

Stefon: No, he’s at home practicing how to sit behind a desk.

Michael Che: So, I think the club you were describing might not be for everybody. Do you have any other recommendations for folks looking for like a more wholesome New York experience?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: Yes, yes. If you are some dumb folks looking to just get murdered, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is Jan’s New Big Pic. Discovered by lackluster gay realtor named Anthony who is late for every viewing. This park’s slope slap bucket gives new meaning to the question. Is that the little woman who played the principal in Kindergarten Cop? This place has everything. Espestes, lupes, magazines of Super Cuts, Dan Cortese, a doorman who always high-fives children of divorce, a building that you can tell used to be McDonald’s. And if the bar isn’t your scene, head downstairs to see the Prosac Dobe Brothers.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: What are the Prosac Dobe Brothers?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: It’s that thing of when a woman in a depression commercial gets better at the end, so they show her at a smooth jazz concert.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Stefon, I know New York has changed with the new mayor but there’s gotta be a few upscale places for people to check out.

Stefon: Okay, yes, yes. Witsy stuff.

[Cut to Stefon]

If you’re well to do and you just gotta hunt humans, I know just the place for you. New New York’s hottest club is [Stefon makes an unusual sound] Located where Donald Trump Jr.’s chin should have been. His wealthy wack-sack opened it’s doors and the two hours between when Pharaoh Faucet and Michael Jackson died. Needless to say, this place has everything. Skunks, key fobs, cookie crisps, Dan Cortese, that backroom at footlocker that employees disappear into. There’s even an after hour’s bar filled with human defubilators.

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: What is human defubilators?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: It’s a thing of when your friend is having heart attack, so you take two midgets and you rub them on the carpet for electricity and then they yell, “Clear! Jhoodosh!”

[Cut to Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Alright, look Stefon, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here and I know you’re a friend of Update, but I think you should go.

Stefon: You’re right. I should go. The husband wants to drive up to wedding tomorrow to look for houses.

Michael Che: Wait a second. You’re looking for houses? You’re not drinking or eating sushi? Stefon, is there something that you want to tell us?

[Cut to Stefon]

Stefon: I’m pregnant!

[Cut to Colin Jost, Michael Che and Stefon]

Michael Che: Congratulations.

Stefon: Thank you so much. I’d like, you know, if we keep it.

Michael Che: Stefon, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che!

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

The Group Hopper

Kyle Mooney

Thero… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

King… Bill Hader

[Starts with clips of a man breathing fast in a broken elevator.] [Slowly the ceiling opens. There are people looking down to you.] [Kyle jumps in]

Kyle: Hey, semi. Welcome to Gray World.

[Kyle gives Thero a bag] [Cut to Thero looking around. The place is surrounded by a wall.]

Male voice: This fall.

Thero: What is this place?

[Cut to Thero and Beck walking and looking at the wall]

It looks post-apocalyptic or something.

Beck: The metal fields. This is where the semi stayed where the groupers passed them on to the shorties for sorting.

Thero: What’s over those walls?

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Nothing much, except the death virus.

Male voice: From the director of Maze Runner. The producer of Divergent. And a casual fan of The Giver.

[Cut to Kyle following Thero in a field]

Kyle: Smooth move, kid. Showing up on category day! Now you’re gonna get put into category, no matter what. [Kyle throws a bag to Thero again]

Male voice: Adapted from YA novel, written entirely in the comment section of a Hunger Games trailer.

[Cut to Thero and Sasheer]

Sasheer: Who are you anyway?

Thero: My name’s Thero. I never met my parents but my name’s tattooed at my back.

[Thero opens his shirt.] [Cut to Beck walking to Thero]

Beck: Wait a second. That doesn’t say Thero.

Thero: What does it say?

Beck: The Hero.

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: Destiny!

Male voice: A hero will rise.

[Cut to King speaking from above to all the people. He has his face painted like a lady.]

King: You are all the same. There’s nothing special or unique about any of you. And now, you’ll be put into groups.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: What does he mean, ‘groups’.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: There is the emotionals, the foodies, the acidics and gryffindor.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: When I grow up, I wanna be a freelander.

Sasheer: But you can’t. You were born as circumscriber and [Cut to Sasheer] and you always be.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: But what if I wasn’t.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: You’re right. You’re not. [Cut to Thero and Sasheer holding hands.] And I love you.

Thero: Dope.

[Cut to King]

King: You’ll be given even dirtier clothes arranged in lines. And you must obey me. Because I am your king. Or queen. You’ll figure it out.

[Sound of a metal rod being dragged on a floor is coming while King is trying to move.] [King is struggling to move.] [The bodyguards try to help.]

I got it! I got it! Thank you.

[Cut to the people walking in the underground path with fire torches.]

Male voice: A system will fall.

Thero: We’ve got to find a way out of here.

Sasheer: Even if you made it through, you still have to survive the lurkies. And they are lurking everywhere.

Beck: And you can only kill a lurky with a zoomerang. [Cut to Beck] But, nobody’s seen one of those for a thousand years to the day.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Unrelated. Do you have any necklaces?

[Cut to everybody]

Thero: Just this one.

[Thero shows his necklace. It has a shape of boomerang.]

Sasheer: You’re the chosen one. And I’m a virgin pregnant with your baby.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: Well, that sucks!

[Cut to King walking in his castle wit his bodyguards.]

King: Bring me the one they call Thero. Dead or alive. But preferably alive. Right? Boop!

[Cut to Kyle, Thero, Beck and Sasheer]

Beck: It’s still lurkies. Quick, let’s hide in the dream swamp.

Kyle: We can’t, swampsters!

Thero: Then we’ve only got one choice. [Showing his boomerang necklace] We fight!

[Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: Zoomerang!

[Cut to the people running]

Male voice: On October Kyle0th, meet The Group Hopper.

Thero: We will not be categoried!

Male voice: Put him in a group and he’ll hop his ass right out.

[Cut to Thero]

Thero: Hey lurky! [Cut to a goat with a helmet on] It’s time to change the world.

[Thero throws the zoomerang at the lurky. The zoomerang just falls under the lurky, but it blasts when the lurky steps on it.] [Cut to an Asian man]

Asian man: What?

Male voice: The Group Hopper. Rated G for asexual kissing.