Weekend Update- Tucker Carlson’s Texts About Trump, Biden’s Billionaire Tax

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set There are pictures of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.]

This weekend bitter rivals who have been desperately pandering for votes and trying to force their politics on America will finally face off in person. I’m of course talking about tomorrow’s Oscars. The Motion Picture Academy has rejected a request from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy to make an appearance during the Oscars. But they promised that Volodymyr Zelenskyy will be how John Travolta pronounces Viola Davis.

Organizers of the Oscar said they changed the color of the arrival carpet from red to champagne, so the mood would be more mellow. But I don’t know. Switching from red to champagne usually turns me into a full on bitch.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden.]

Michael Che: President Biden proposed his budget that would help fund Medicare with a 25% tax on billionaires. Hah! Take that, Rihanna. President Biden’s proposed budget included $400 million to counter Chinese disinformation. It will target the number one source of Chinese disinformation, fortune cookies.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson.]

Colin Jost: Tucker Carlson seen here laughing at a dog locked in a hot car, released security footage from the January 6 attacks with the violence edited out and said it proves it was a peaceful gathering. Which is like editing all the sex out of a porn video and saying it’s a short film about being a stepmom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Tucker Carlson and Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: New documents from the Dominion lawsuit revealed text from Tucker Carlson, in which he says he hates Donald Trump passionately and can’t wait until he’s able to ignore him. That must suck, to go on TV, put on a smile and make friends with some psychotic bigot just because it’s good for the show. Anyway, back to you Colin.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of RuPaul.]

Colin Jost: I don’t get it. RuPaul harshly criticized lawmakers who support banning drag shows calling them stunt Queen politicians. And let me just say, hallelu girl. I gotta serve realness on this one. These dusty breeders are resting on ugly and I am gagging on it. I’m sorry, guys. Before the show, I switched from red to shampoo.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s are pictures of Joe Biden and TikTok logo.]

Michael Che: Oh boy. President Biden said that he supports a bill that would allow the government to ban TikTok. But only because Biden thinks TikTok is a gang member from his old neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Walgreens logo.]

Colin Jost: After Walgreens announced that they will stop selling abortion pills in 25 states, CVS has remained silent on the issue. While over at Rite Aid, you can just grab a pill from the take-a-bortion leave-a-bortion tray.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of King Charles and Meghan Markel.]

Michael Che: It was reported that the organizers of King Charles’s coronation have officially invited Meghan Markel. And this is nice, at a starting salary of $19 an hour. I think it’s actually very generous guys.

Billionaire Star Trek

Jeff Bezos… Owen Wilson

Brother… Luke Wilson

Kid… Andrew Dismukes

Wally Funk… Heidi Gardner

Richard Branson… Alex Moffat

Elon Musk… Mikey Day

Delivery guy… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of space]

Male voice: For decades, the Star Trek franchise from the Final Frontier. Now, the tradition continues with a new ship, a new crew, and a new captain, Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos.

[Cut to Jeff Bezos in a space ship]

Jeff Bezos: Dude! Space is freaking awesome!

Male voice: Star Trek Ego Quest. The voyages of the S.S. New Sheppard. And its crew of random weirdos. Captain Jeff Bezos.

Jeff Bezos: Hell yes!

Male voice: First mate Jeff Bezos’ brother who is name is– Science Officer is some rich high school kid from Netherlands. [Kid dabs] And 82 year old astronaut, Wally Funk.

Wally Funk: I’m tired.

Male voice: Their mission to just sort of fly around space goofing off in a ship that looks like a penis.

Jeff Bezos: I’m in space with my brother Mark. This owns.

Brother: This is unbelievable.

Male voice: Alliances will be formed.

[Jeff Bezos looking out of the window]

Jeff Bezos: I’d recognize that purple mood lighting anywhere. Richard Branson, you maniac!

[Cut to Richard Branson inside a space ship with purple mood lighting in]

Richard Branson: Haha! What’s up, Bezos? You nutter! What are you doing?

Jeff Bezos: Well, just flying around.

Richard Branson: Yea, same here. Hey, you fancy a race?

Jeff Bezos: It’s on. Come on, you limey bitch!

[They start racing their space ships]

Male voice: Take flight on a midlife crisis of cosmic proportions.

[Their space ship crashes]

Jeff Bezos: Oh! We hit a space station.

Richard Branson: Oops! Don’t care. Ha-ha-ha.

Male voice: But around every corner, danger lurks.

Wally Funk: Incoming torpedo!

[something hits their space ship.]

Jeff Bezos: Who the hell is firing at us?

[Elon Musk appears on the screen]

Elon Musk: Hello, Jeff Bezos.

Jeff Bezos: Elon Musk. You son of a bitch.

Elon Musk: Space is big enough for only one weird white billionaire. So, you could say beating you is my prime objective.

Male voice: They’ll need all the help they can get from a loyal team of valued employees.

Kid: Captain.

Jeff Bezos: Yes.

Kid: We have a request to beam aboard.

Jeff Bezos: Sweet. Yes. It’s my delivery guy. Beam him up.

[Delivery guy teleports inside the space ship. He’s an Amazon delivery guy and is carrying a package.]

Delivery guy: Wow! Space! I can’t believe I’m up here.

Jeff Bezos: Thanks. Adios.

Delivery guy: By the way, it’s an honor to meet you, sir. People say you don’t care about Amazon employees but I disagree.

[Brother hits a button and Delivery guy starts vanishing]

Wow, so you’re just going to throw me out like that? Ay, can I use the bathroom real quick?

[Jeff Bezos throws a bottle at Delivery guy and he catches it]

Ay man, I’m not peeing in this!

Male voice: Star Trek, Ego Quest. Streaming this Christmas.

Jeff Bezos: So, what should we do? We do a couple of laps?