Charlie… Bowen Yang
Devin… Jason Bateman
Billy Moon… Cecily Strong
Waiter… Beck Bennett
[Starts with a live music show in a restaurant]Ladies: [singing] We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
[Charlie walks to the stage]Charlie: Wow, wow. What a safe song choice. Thanks so much for joining us this evening at a outdoor cabaret folks. As always, you’ve Devin tickling the ivories. Say hi, Devin.
[Devin is on the piano. He is wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection.]Devin: Um, they’re less ivory. They’re more plastic, Charlie. My actual piano got stolen last week. Do you remember? You just sat there and you watched?
Charlie: Devin! Well, everyone. It’s me, Charlie Viig. I was a main stay here at the duplex in the great performance. And hey, one of my favorite performance just got back from a trip abroad. Please give a downtown welcome to the legendary, Mr. Billy Moon.
[Billy walks to the stage]Billy: Isn’t it marvelous? You’ve made the outside look like inside.
Charlie: That’s right. Tell the people where you’ve been the last nine months?
Billy: Well, since March, I’ve been on the only cruise ship with zero infections. So, we just never got off.
Charlie: Oh, my god! So, you were just floating out there?
Billy: Uh-huh.
Charlie: Well, thank god you made it out. Billy, shall we sing to celebrate your joyous return?
Billy: Let’s try.
[music playing]Charlie: [singing] Oh, yet a trouble
Billy: Happy day
Charlie: Come on get happy
Billy: I hear again, skies
Charlie: Shout hallelujah
Billy: Shout and sing a song
Charlie: Let’s get happy
Billy: Out here again
Charlie: Get ready for
Billy: Happy days are here again
Billy: Charlie! I have to say. I love that there’s a doctor here tonight.
Devin: No, I’m not a doctor. I’m just respecting science. It’s me, Billy.
Billy: Devin? Why are you wearing all that gauze?
Devin: Oh, I’m protecting myself because Charlie is trying to achieve herd immunity in the cabaret world.
Charlie: Well, if the sweets can do it.
Devin: They did not.
Charlie: Oh, and a reminder, folks. If you want drinks, you have to order food too.
[Cut to a waiter. He is also wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection. He has one hotdog in his one hand.]Waiter: I’ve only got one hotdog left. So everybody, just take a bite and pass it. Okay?
Charlie: Billy, you know what the best way to thank health care workers who are begging us to stay inside is?
Billy: To go outside and sing for a crowd. This one’s for you, doctor! [pointing at Devin]
Devin: Still me, Devin. Okay? And this plastic keyboard is officially melting. Anyway we can back this heat lamp off like, Charlie0 feet?
Billy: What do you say, Charlie?
Charlie: [singing] The sun is shining
Billy: out together
Charlie: now get happy
Billy: shout it now
Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand
shout hallelujah
Billy: tell the world
Charlie: and just get happy
Billy: about it now
happy days are here again
Billy: Oh, the good old days. Do you remember when I had my picture up?
Charlie: Yes. It was right up at the front by the cash register that said “bounced check”.
Billy: Ha-ha. Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying.
Charlie: But you know what? We’ll survive. I mean, New York’s gotten through tougher times.
Devin: Yes, I remember the Spiderman musical.
Charlie: Oh! Devin! Well, just look at us. I’d say we’re doing pretty well for ourselves. Right?
Devin: Not really, Charlie. Our outdoor set up got decimated by a cab and a bus last week.
Billy: Oh my! Well, did you at least get insurance money?
Devin: No, no. We owe them. We set it up in a turn lne.
Charlie: Yeah. That’s an oopsie on us!
[singing] We’re heading across the riverso your cares will all be gone
Billy: There’ll be no more from now on
Charlie and Billy: From now on
Charlie: now get happy
Billy: shout it now
Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand
shout hallelujah
Billy: tell the world
Charlie: and just get happy
Billy: about it now
happy days are here again
Billy: I just want to say. I think as long as we have each other, we’ll get through this.
Devin: The pandemic or the performance?
Charlie: Oh, Devin!
Devin: Kidding. I love you both. But Hobby does need me home.
Charlie: What could he possibly need?
[singing] Happy time
Billy: Happy night
Charlie and Billy: Happy days are here agan