Sarah Sherman[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]
Colin Jost: Well, usually this doesn’t go well for me, but since it’s her birthday in three days, we decided to let her do it here, is Sarah Sherman with the Sarah News.[Cut to Sarah News intro] [cheers and applause]
Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Colin. I promise you won’t regret it.
Colin Jost: I’m sure not.
Sarah Sherman: In Sarah News, this week. I’m finally turning 30, or as Collin calls it “15 years too old.”
Colin Jost: Come on. No.
Sarah Sherman: What? When I invited you to my birthday party, you RSVP’ed “I’m not gonna be there unless it’s a Quinceañera.”
Colin Jost: I don’t go to Quinceañeras.
Sarah Sherman: Oh really? Hah. This just in, Colin Jost refuses to celebrate Hispanic culture.
In science news, NASA engineers preparing for a trip to Mars recently sent a team of researchers to the driest place on Earth. Said my boyfriend, “Hey, get out of my girlfriend’s underwear.” Good luck down there boys. We salute you.
Colin Jost: All right. Do you do you have any real news Sarah?
Sarah Sherman: Of course. In real news, the US is facing a threat from a highly intelligent breed of pig dubbed the super pig, which is funny because “Super Pig” is also what Colin writes on my dressing room mirror anytime he catches me eating without his permission.
Colin Jost: I don’t give you permission to eat.
Sarah Sherman: I know. Me and all the other girls are starving, Colin. Can you hear my stomach gurgling?
Colin Jost: Actually, yes, I can. Often. Do you have like a stomach issue or something?
Sarah Sherman: No, I’m just Jewish, Colin, which isn’t a disease despite what you wrote in your book.
Colin Jost: That’s chapter one? Come on.
Sarah Sherman: In other news, just three weeks After a chemical train derailment, officials now say the water in East Palestine is safe to drink. Yeah, about as safe as any cocktail Colin gets me at an after party. Every time I come back from the bathroom, my drink is fizzing like a science fair volcano.
Colin Jost: My family watches this show!
Sarah Sherman: Colin, seriously, stop trying to lift up the bottom of my pant leg with your bare feet.
Colin Jost: I’m wearing shoes.
Sarah Sherman: Shoes don’t have toenails, Colin. In other news, I just found out that Peacock is streaming every episode of Colombo, featuring God’s gift to women Peter Falk. Oh my god, Hachi mochi, an old guy with a loose eyeball and resting cigar face? Honey, maybe he can solve the mystery of my sopping wet chair. Get to the high grounds, the levy is broken and the city is flooded.
Colin Jost: Absolutely disgusting. Well, Sara, it is your birthday. So we’ve decided to get you a very Sarah style birthday cake. [someone brings in the cake] Happy birthday.
Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Colin. And by the way, thank you so much for the card you made me, Colin.
Colin Jost: Oh, I don’t remember writing a card.
Sarah Sherman: Go ahead. Read your birthday message to me that you wrote.
Colin Jost: Oh. Sarah, too bad you can’t eat this cake since you failed weigh in. Sarah Sherman, everyone. Happy Birthday. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.