Birthday Gifts

Trish… Aidy Bryant

Regina King

Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a group of women celebrating birthday]

Ladies: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Trish: Oh my god, look at all these gift bags. You girls did too much.

Regina: Well, it’s our best friend’s birthday. You know we were going to go all out.

Heidi: Yeah, get in there, Trish.

Trish: Okay. Oh my gosh. Oh, it’s one of those cute little wooden signs. Look. “Dinner choices – Trish. Take it, Regina. Leave it”]

Cecily: That’s from me. I don’t know. I thought you could hang it next to your “Life happens, coffee helps” sign in the kitchen.”

Trish: I love it. You guys know how much I love art.

Regina: That is so dang cute, Sue. Where did you find that?

Cecily: Home Stuff.

Chloe: Oh, Home Stuff rules. Open another one.

Trish: Okay. Alright. Let’s see here.

Heidi: It’s another sign. I’m sorry. I copied.

Trish: Oh, wow. [pulls out the sign] “Wine gets better with age, I get better with wine.” Okay, guilty. You girls know that’s true.

Regina: We do.

Heidi: I thought you’d like that. There’s another small one in the bag.

Trish: Oh. Okay. Wow. Oh my. Oh my gosh. [pulls out another sign] Okay, I had to read this one twice. “CAn you drunk how tell I am?” Ha-ha-ha. Cute. You girls are so bad.

Regina: That was my favorite.

Heidi: You know, it was either that or “Everything happens for a reasoning”.

Cecily: Oh, that’s funny too. That’s a tough call.

Regina: Okay. This one’s from me. I think we all had the same idea.

Trish: Okay. Alright. [pulls out the sign] “I like you better when I’m effed up”. Okay.

Regina: There’s another small one and it’s my favorite.

Trish: Okay. “Hey Barkeep, I wanna die tonight.” Wow. Thank you.

Cecily: You’re gonna run out of wall space soon.

Trish: Yes.

Chloe: Here’s one more.

Trish: Oh gosh. Okay. “I drink too much”.

Cecily: Aww.

Regina: I came this close to buying that one.

Cecily: Me too. Me too.

Heidi: Oh my go, that is so funny.

Regina: That was my favorite.

Trish: I don’t see the joke in that one though.

Chloe: Well, it’s like, “Look at me. I drink too much.”

Regina: Yeah. And look, the woman on the sign looks just like you. She’s cute.

Trish: I don’t see that.

Cecily: No, she does. Look closer.

Trish: I did.

Regina: Here’s another one. It’s my favorite.

Trish: Okay, well, you’ve said about all of them. So– Oh, wow. “I did ‘dry’ January. I never took a bath all January because I was always too hammered and I was worried I would slip under the surface of the water.”

Cecily: Aww.

Trish: Okay, I think I’m done with this.

Heidi: No. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s your day. Enjoy the attention. What’s this one? [passing a bag]

Trish: Okay. Let’s see. [pulls out the sign] “I put wine bottles in other people’s recycling bins so the garbage men won’t know how much I go through in a week.”

Cecily: Aww!

Trish: That’s not an ‘aw’. These are not nice.

Regina: What do you mean? I thought you love these. I thought these little signs were your favorite.

Trish: I mean, they are. But like, “Live, laugh, love”. Not, I don’t know, “My sponsor thinks I’m in bed.”

Heidi: I mean, I can exchange it for everything happens for reason.

Trish: Okay. But these are all about drinking. I mean, are you guys trying to tell me something? We all drank during lockdown. We’re just moms having fun, aren’t we?

Cecily: We just thought they were cute. Here, Trish, this one’s not about drinking. [passing a bag]

Trish: Okay. “Home, where the ‘ho’ and ‘me’ come together.” Well, I guess that one’s okay.

Regina: Another small one.

Trish: Okay. “I am sexually promiscuous and my house is dirty.” I don’t understand these.

Heidi: Here’s another small one.

Trish: “I’m outdoorsy. I drink outside.” Great.

Regina: And then this part lifts down.

Trish: [Trish pulls down the back side of the sign. There’s another sign behind.] “I bring a few bottles outside and drink under the trampoline. I’m fine as long as no one gets on the trampoline.” [Trish pulls down the back side. There’s another sign behind.] “Basically I just it in dirt and drink.” Okay, I am done with the party. Thank you.

Regina: Oh no, Trish. Come on. We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I guess we should have talked to each other before we bought all these.

Cecily: Hah. We just wanted you to have fun day. We thought they were cute.

Chloe: Yeah. We got carried away.

Heidi: I mean, there is one more but you don’t have to open it.

Trish: Oh, just let me see it. Okay. “I love the nights I can’t remember with the friends I can’t forget.” Well yes. I guess that one I can drink to.

All: Cheers. Happy birthday.

Heidi: That flips down.

[Trish pulls down the back side. There’s another sign behind.]

Trish: Okay. “Also I am cross fades as F.” I don’t even know what that means.

Regina: I think that’s my favorite.