Tag: Birthday

Weekend Update- Sarah’s News (Birthday Edition)

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Well, usually this doesn’t go well for me, but since it’s her birthday in three days, we decided to let her do it here, is Sarah Sherman with the Sarah News.

[Cut to Sarah News intro]

[cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Colin. I promise you won’t regret it.

Colin Jost: I’m sure not.

Sarah Sherman: In Sarah News, this week. I’m finally turning 30, or as Collin calls it “15 years too old.”

Colin Jost: Come on. No.

Sarah Sherman: What? When I invited you to my birthday party, you RSVP’ed “I’m not gonna be there unless it’s a Quinceañera.”

Colin Jost: I don’t go to Quinceañeras.

Sarah Sherman: Oh really? Hah. This just in, Colin Jost refuses to celebrate Hispanic culture.

In science news, NASA engineers preparing for a trip to Mars recently sent a team of researchers to the driest place on Earth. Said my boyfriend, “Hey, get out of my girlfriend’s underwear.” Good luck down there boys. We salute you.

Colin Jost: All right. Do you do you have any real news Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Of course. In real news, the US is facing a threat from a highly intelligent breed of pig dubbed the super pig, which is funny because “Super Pig” is also what Colin writes on my dressing room mirror anytime he catches me eating without his permission.

Colin Jost: I don’t give you permission to eat.

Sarah Sherman: I know. Me and all the other girls are starving, Colin. Can you hear my stomach gurgling?

Colin Jost: Actually, yes, I can. Often. Do you have like a stomach issue or something?

Sarah Sherman: No, I’m just Jewish, Colin, which isn’t a disease despite what you wrote in your book.

Colin Jost: That’s chapter one? Come on.

Sarah Sherman: In other news, just three weeks After a chemical train derailment, officials now say the water in East Palestine is safe to drink. Yeah, about as safe as any cocktail Colin gets me at an after party. Every time I come back from the bathroom, my drink is fizzing like a science fair volcano.

Colin Jost: My family watches this show!

Sarah Sherman: Colin, seriously, stop trying to lift up the bottom of my pant leg with your bare feet.

Colin Jost: I’m wearing shoes.

Sarah Sherman: Shoes don’t have toenails, Colin. In other news, I just found out that Peacock is streaming every episode of Colombo, featuring God’s gift to women Peter Falk. Oh my god, Hachi mochi, an old guy with a loose eyeball and resting cigar face? Honey, maybe he can solve the mystery of my sopping wet chair. Get to the high grounds, the levy is broken and the city is flooded.

Colin Jost: Absolutely disgusting. Well, Sara, it is your birthday. So we’ve decided to get you a very Sarah style birthday cake. [someone brings in the cake] Happy birthday.

Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Colin. And by the way, thank you so much for the card you made me, Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh, I don’t remember writing a card.

Sarah Sherman: Go ahead. Read your birthday message to me that you wrote.

Colin Jost: Oh. Sarah, too bad you can’t eat this cake since you failed weigh in. Sarah Sherman, everyone. Happy Birthday. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Birthday Gifts

Trish… Aidy Bryant

Regina King

Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a group of women celebrating birthday]

Ladies: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Trish: Oh my god, look at all these gift bags. You girls did too much.

Regina: Well, it’s our best friend’s birthday. You know we were going to go all out.

Heidi: Yeah, get in there, Trish.

Trish: Okay. Oh my gosh. Oh, it’s one of those cute little wooden signs. Look. “Dinner choices – Trish. Take it, Regina. Leave it”]

Cecily: That’s from me. I don’t know. I thought you could hang it next to your “Life happens, coffee helps” sign in the kitchen.”

Trish: I love it. You guys know how much I love art.

Regina: That is so dang cute, Sue. Where did you find that?

Cecily: Home Stuff.

Chloe: Oh, Home Stuff rules. Open another one.

Trish: Okay. Alright. Let’s see here.

Heidi: It’s another sign. I’m sorry. I copied.

Trish: Oh, wow. [pulls out the sign] “Wine gets better with age, I get better with wine.” Okay, guilty. You girls know that’s true.

Regina: We do.

Heidi: I thought you’d like that. There’s another small one in the bag.

Trish: Oh. Okay. Wow. Oh my. Oh my gosh. [pulls out another sign] Okay, I had to read this one twice. “CAn you drunk how tell I am?” Ha-ha-ha. Cute. You girls are so bad.

Regina: That was my favorite.

Heidi: You know, it was either that or “Everything happens for a reasoning”.

Cecily: Oh, that’s funny too. That’s a tough call.

Regina: Okay. This one’s from me. I think we all had the same idea.

Trish: Okay. Alright. [pulls out the sign] “I like you better when I’m effed up”. Okay.

Regina: There’s another small one and it’s my favorite.

Trish: Okay. “Hey Barkeep, I wanna die tonight.” Wow. Thank you.

Cecily: You’re gonna run out of wall space soon.

Trish: Yes.

Chloe: Here’s one more.

Trish: Oh gosh. Okay. “I drink too much”.

Cecily: Aww.

Regina: I came this close to buying that one.

Cecily: Me too. Me too.

Heidi: Oh my go, that is so funny.

Regina: That was my favorite.

Trish: I don’t see the joke in that one though.

Chloe: Well, it’s like, “Look at me. I drink too much.”

Regina: Yeah. And look, the woman on the sign looks just like you. She’s cute.

Trish: I don’t see that.

Cecily: No, she does. Look closer.

Trish: I did.

Regina: Here’s another one. It’s my favorite.

Trish: Okay, well, you’ve said about all of them. So– Oh, wow. “I did ‘dry’ January. I never took a bath all January because I was always too hammered and I was worried I would slip under the surface of the water.”

Cecily: Aww.

Trish: Okay, I think I’m done with this.

Heidi: No. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s your day. Enjoy the attention. What’s this one? [passing a bag]

Trish: Okay. Let’s see. [pulls out the sign] “I put wine bottles in other people’s recycling bins so the garbage men won’t know how much I go through in a week.”

Cecily: Aww!

Trish: That’s not an ‘aw’. These are not nice.

Regina: What do you mean? I thought you love these. I thought these little signs were your favorite.

Trish: I mean, they are. But like, “Live, laugh, love”. Not, I don’t know, “My sponsor thinks I’m in bed.”

Heidi: I mean, I can exchange it for everything happens for reason.

Trish: Okay. But these are all about drinking. I mean, are you guys trying to tell me something? We all drank during lockdown. We’re just moms having fun, aren’t we?

Cecily: We just thought they were cute. Here, Trish, this one’s not about drinking. [passing a bag]

Trish: Okay. “Home, where the ‘ho’ and ‘me’ come together.” Well, I guess that one’s okay.

Regina: Another small one.

Trish: Okay. “I am sexually promiscuous and my house is dirty.” I don’t understand these.

Heidi: Here’s another small one.

Trish: “I’m outdoorsy. I drink outside.” Great.

Regina: And then this part lifts down.

Trish: [Trish pulls down the back side of the sign. There’s another sign behind.] “I bring a few bottles outside and drink under the trampoline. I’m fine as long as no one gets on the trampoline.” [Trish pulls down the back side. There’s another sign behind.] “Basically I just it in dirt and drink.” Okay, I am done with the party. Thank you.

Regina: Oh no, Trish. Come on. We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I guess we should have talked to each other before we bought all these.

Cecily: Hah. We just wanted you to have fun day. We thought they were cute.

Chloe: Yeah. We got carried away.

Heidi: I mean, there is one more but you don’t have to open it.

Trish: Oh, just let me see it. Okay. “I love the nights I can’t remember with the friends I can’t forget.” Well yes. I guess that one I can drink to.

All: Cheers. Happy birthday.

Heidi: That flips down.

[Trish pulls down the back side. There’s another sign behind.]

Trish: Okay. “Also I am cross fades as F.” I don’t even know what that means.

Regina: I think that’s my favorite.