Birthday Clown

Clown… Bobby Moynihan

Ernie… Louis C.K.

[Starts with a man opening door. There’s a clown outside.]

Clown: Hey, I’m Seth. I’m the birthday clown. Sorry, I came early.

Ernie: That’s okay. [gesturing to come in] [Clown walks in with his box] Did you find parking okay?

Clown: I took an Uber.

Ernie: Dressed like this?

Clown: Yeah, it’s part of the job. I’m used to it.
Ernie: Oh, well, set up right here.

[Cut to Clown setting up. Ernie walks in with a can of soda]

You gotta get a better defense, man.

Clown: Oh, yeah. It has been a good season though, altogether. You know? So, where is the birthday boy? Little Ernie, right?

Ernie: Oh, it’s me.

[Ernie sits on a sofa alone to watch Clown]

Clown: Come again?

Ernie: Um, I’m Ernie. It’s my birthday.

[Clown is looking around]

Clown: So– do you want– should we wait for everyone to show up?

Ernie: No, it’s just me. [opens his can of soda] Whenever you’re ready.

Clown: I’m sorry. Before I start, I’m wondering why–

Ernie: Just start the show, man. I gotta take my mind off some stuff.

Clown: Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. [Clown walks behind the curtains] I’m just gonna do it.

[Clown turns on the funky kid’s music] [Clown is using sock puppet as a bird speaking. He is still behind the curtains. The puppet is outside.]

Female voice: Hey, kids, are you ready for Dodo the clown?

Ernie: Uh-huh.

Female voice: I can’t hear you.

Ernie: Yeah. I’m ready.

Female voice: Now, here comes the Dodo!

[Clown comes out on a baby cycle blowing the horn]

Ernie: It’s good.

Clown: Hey, kids. Do you remember my name?

Ernie: Dodo.

Clown: And what’s your name, birthday boy?

Ernie: Ernie Sullivan.

Clown: And how old are you turning today?

Ernie: I’m 53.

Clown: Jesus! What’s your favorite color?

Ernie: Um, I don’t know. [Clown waiting for the answer] I don’t know. [Clown still waiting for the answer]

Clown: Okay. Um, boy, I sure am hungry. I hope I got a snack! [pulls out a bottle out of his pocket] Bleh! Ha-ha-ha. [opens the bottle, and a toy snake jumps out of the bottle] Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ernie: That’s pretty funny. [pulls out some money and gives it to Clown] Here you go.

Clown: Are you giving me a tip?

Ernie: Yeah, you want me to wait until after?

Clown: Yeah, no– I don’t– there’s no protocol for whatever this is.

Ernie: Sorry. I’ll wait. Go ahead.

[Clown starts pulling out thread out of his mouth]

Ernie: Excuse me. [Ernie walks away. Clown is confused as he doesn’t know what to do.]

Clown: You want me to stop and wait?

[Ernie peeks out of the toilet]

Ernie: No, I can see from here. Keep going.

[Clown is still pulling the color thread out of his mouth.] [doorbell rings]

Hey, can you get that?

[Clown opens the door. There’s Disney’s Elsa and a robot.]

Elsa: We are here for little Ernie’s birthday party.

Clown: You don’t want this.

[Clown shuts the door. Ernie is standing just behind him.] [looking at Ernie] They got to go. I think I should go too.

Ernie: Yeah, man. Listen. I’m sorry. I tried to do something different for my birthday. I guess it got weird.

Clown: No, no. It’s okay. It was fine. Happy birthday.

Ernie: Thank you. Hey, can you come into my kitchen for a minute?

Clown: Yeah, what’s up?

Ernie: I’m going to chop you up in little pieces and put you in the fridge.

Clown: Yeah, that seems about right.