Clown… Bobby Moynihan
Ernie… Louis C.K.[Starts with a man opening door. There’s a clown outside.]
Clown: Hey, I’m Seth. I’m the birthday clown. Sorry, I came early.
Ernie: That’s okay. [gesturing to come in] [Clown walks in with his box] Did you find parking okay?
Clown: I took an Uber.
Ernie: Dressed like this?
Clown: Yeah, it’s part of the job. I’m used to it.
Ernie: Oh, well, set up right here.
You gotta get a better defense, man.
Clown: Oh, yeah. It has been a good season though, altogether. You know? So, where is the birthday boy? Little Ernie, right?
Ernie: Oh, it’s me.[Ernie sits on a sofa alone to watch Clown]
Clown: Come again?
Ernie: Um, I’m Ernie. It’s my birthday.[Clown is looking around]
Clown: So– do you want– should we wait for everyone to show up?
Ernie: No, it’s just me. [opens his can of soda] Whenever you’re ready.
Clown: I’m sorry. Before I start, I’m wondering why–
Ernie: Just start the show, man. I gotta take my mind off some stuff.
Clown: Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. [Clown walks behind the curtains] I’m just gonna do it.[Clown turns on the funky kid’s music] [Clown is using sock puppet as a bird speaking. He is still behind the curtains. The puppet is outside.]
Female voice: Hey, kids, are you ready for Dodo the clown?
Female voice: I can’t hear you.
Ernie: Yeah. I’m ready.
Female voice: Now, here comes the Dodo![Clown comes out on a baby cycle blowing the horn]
Ernie: It’s good.
Clown: Hey, kids. Do you remember my name?
Clown: And what’s your name, birthday boy?
Ernie: Ernie Sullivan.
Clown: And how old are you turning today?
Ernie: I’m 53.
Clown: Jesus! What’s your favorite color?
Ernie: Um, I don’t know. [Clown waiting for the answer] I don’t know. [Clown still waiting for the answer]
Clown: Okay. Um, boy, I sure am hungry. I hope I got a snack! [pulls out a bottle out of his pocket] Bleh! Ha-ha-ha. [opens the bottle, and a toy snake jumps out of the bottle] Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ernie: That’s pretty funny. [pulls out some money and gives it to Clown] Here you go.
Clown: Are you giving me a tip?
Ernie: Yeah, you want me to wait until after?
Clown: Yeah, no– I don’t– there’s no protocol for whatever this is.
Ernie: Sorry. I’ll wait. Go ahead.[Clown starts pulling out thread out of his mouth]
Ernie: Excuse me. [Ernie walks away. Clown is confused as he doesn’t know what to do.]
Clown: You want me to stop and wait?[Ernie peeks out of the toilet]
Ernie: No, I can see from here. Keep going.[Clown is still pulling the color thread out of his mouth.] [doorbell rings]
Hey, can you get that?[Clown opens the door. There’s Disney’s Elsa and a robot.]
Elsa: We are here for little Ernie’s birthday party.
Clown: You don’t want this.[Clown shuts the door. Ernie is standing just behind him.] [looking at Ernie] They got to go. I think I should go too.
Ernie: Yeah, man. Listen. I’m sorry. I tried to do something different for my birthday. I guess it got weird.
Clown: No, no. It’s okay. It was fine. Happy birthday.
Ernie: Thank you. Hey, can you come into my kitchen for a minute?
Clown: Yeah, what’s up?
Ernie: I’m going to chop you up in little pieces and put you in the fridge.
Clown: Yeah, that seems about right.