Maureen… Aidy Bryant
Black Unicorn… Tiffany Haddish
Old Black Unicorn… Leslie Jones
[Starts with a opening of the book ‘The Last Black Unicorn’]
Male voice: Once upon a time, the world was filled with magical creatures. The noblest among them were the black unicorns who possessed the ability to see through time. But now, with magic having all but left our world, only one remains.
[Cut to Maureen, Melissa and Beck looking around in the magical world]
Maureen: So, according to this map, this is the home of the last black unicorn.
Melissa: Oh, come on, Maureen. No one believes in unicorns anymore.
Beck: Yeah, Maureen, don’t be so naive.
[Black Unicorn runs out making horse noises]
Beck: Whoa! She is real!
Maureen: I told you.
Black Unicorn: I’m the last black unicorn. And with my magical horn, I can unveil the mysteries of the future.
Melissa: Whoa. You can see the future?
Black Unicorn: Hmm. [horse noises]
Beck: Mrs. Black Unicorn, I got to know. Will me and my girl stay together forever? [referring to Beck and Melissa]
Black Unicorn: Hmm, yes. I can see that the two of you will marry and live a long and happy life together.
Beck: Heck, yeah, babe. I friggin love you.
Maureen: Wow, what about me? Will I ever find true love?
Black Unicorn: Umm. Yes. I see you marrying the love of your life many years from now.
Maureen: Yes! I knew it.
Black Unicorn: I see you walking down the aisle. Your mother is crying. Your father is beaming. And all five of your children are there with their five different fathers.
Maureen: Wait. I’m sorry. I have five kids before I’m even married?
Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. I mean, when you get to college, you start throwing down.
Maureen: Oh, really?
Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. For few years, you are just conceiving and birthing and back to back and back to back. I mean, if you ain’t getting it in, you getting it out, if you know what I mean.
Beck: Oh, gross.
Maureen: Well, what about dads? Are they at least good fathers?
Black Unicorn: Oh, absolutely they are not. One of them is actually a red headed white guy with dread locks that look like Cheetos.
Maureen: God! That sounds terrible.
Melissa: Well, what about us? Will we ever have kids?
Black Unicorn: Um, yes. In your future, I see two wonderful children. Your daughter is a talented musician and your son is a gifted painter. [To Maureen] And your son, well, he also is involved with paint. Um-hmm.
Maureen: Well, how so?
Black Unicorn: He’s huffing it.
Maureen: So my son does drugs?
Black Unicorn: Yes. But on the bright side, your daughter sells drugs.
Maureen: Oh my god! Do all my kids have drug problems?
Black Unicorn: No. Actually one of your sons is sober. But he is like, the worst.
Black Unicorn: Well, he is just always mad. He’s like that really angry white kid you graduate with who joins the army and you are like, “Good luck, army.”
Beck: Man, your son sucks.
[Another black unicorn walks out]
Old Black Unicorn: Whoa, whoa. Now, why are you telling this little girl all these horrible things?
Beck: Hey, I thought you said you were the last black unicorn.
Black Unicorn: Well, she’s older than me.
Old Black Unicorn: Little girl, look, life is always going to have it’s struggles. But I can see there is still plenty of good in your future.
Maureen: Like, what kind of good?
Old Black Unicorn: Well, for example, I see you living in a beautiful apartment.
Black Unicorn: Yeah, because your house gets foreclosed on.
Old Black Unicorn: Okay, yeah. But you also get to travel the country.
Black Unicorn: On the run from FBI with your drug lord daughter.
Maureen: You know, I don’t really need to hear anymore.
Old Black Unicorn: Wait, wait. hang on. What if I told you that in the end of you retire to a secluded island?
Black Unicorn: Yeah, rikers.
Maureen: My life sucks.
Old Black Unicorn: Look, life is what you make it. If you say it sucks, it will.
Maureen: Okay. So, what you’re saying is that if I’m just true to myself, I might be able to escape my terrible destiny?
Old Black Unicorn: Oh, no. All that stuff is still going to happen. You just need to stop whining about it.
Black Unicorn: Yeah. And I didn’t even told you half the stuff. How much time you got? [horse noises]