Ariel… Ego Nwodim[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Disney… Great transition. Disney recently made history after announcing the live action remake of “The Little Mermaid” featuring a black Ariel. Here to comment is black Ariel.[Ariel slides in] [cheers and applause]
Ariel: Hi. Thanks so much, Colin. You know, you can you can just call me Ariel. I don’t call you white Colin to your face.
Colin Jost: That’s my bad. So Ariel, some people online are now calling you a hero and a role model.
Ariel: Role model to who? Black girls who want to be a fish? I gotta be honest, Colin, it’s a lot of pressure. People are all like, “Oh, Ariel, you’re perfect. You’re the hero we need.” Bitch, I am normal.
Colin Jost: Yeah, I guess hero’s a lot to live up to.
Ariel: Yeah, it is. I did not ask for any of this. My mom got drunk and had sex with a tuna and now I’m here. Yo, well, y’all gotta chill with the hero talk.
Colin Jost: Right. So I guess you’re not perfect, right?
Ariel: Honestly, worse than that. I’m kind of bad. Yeah, I grew up rich. Like, Bezos rich. My dad was the king of the sea. We had money money. I used to ride around a little see horses for fun.
Colin Jost: What’s wrong with that?
Ariel: Down there, those are just poor people. Yeah.
Colin Jost: Wow, yeah, well, that’s not great. No.
Ariel: I’m dumb too, Colin. Yes. Like stupid stupid. My brains have fish. I’m dead ass by the worm on a hook, gets me every damn time.
Colin Jost: Me too, sometimes. Ariel why are you telling us all this?
Ariel: Because I’m just trying to get ahead of stuff. For example, I hate the ocean. I’m pro SeaWorld. I met Shamu. And let me put it like this, I’m glad has ass us locked up.
Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well, I’m sure there’s some other—
Ariel: Also, supported the war in Iraq. Got nothing to do with being in the sea, just wanted revenge for 9/11 Jost. Come on, I know some of you did too, stop playing.
Colin Jost: Alright. Okay. I don’t know why you’re telling us all this but I understand there’s a lot of pressure being the hero.
Ariel: Also did the oil spill.
Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?
Ariel: Did the BP oil spill. Yes. I ran up on that pipeline drunk as hell one night and did a little damage. Yes, to this day flounder still won’t talk to me.
Colin Jost: I’m so sorry. Well, Ariel, that was really bad for the environment.
Ariel: Oh, come on. Who cares? Sea levels are rising, salmon are dying. Good. Salmon are racist. Have you ever talked to one?
Colin Jost: No, I have not.
Ariel: Of course not. Because you’re not willing to do the work.
Colin Jost: Ariel, I thought you were just gonna come out here and you know, like, sing a little song. Don’t you have a little Jamaican crab that you sing with?
Ariel: Listen, Colin, I got a lot of crabs but they don’t sing. They are Jamaican though. Jamaican my nuts itch.
Colin Jost: Ariel, black Ariel, everyone.
Ariel: You just call me Ariel.