Tag: Black

The Black Lotus

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

James Austin Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Punkie Johnson

Sarah Sherman

Aubrey Plaza

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Chloe walking into a hotel]

Kenan: Welcome, ma’am, checking in?

Chloe: Yes, I am. It’s just- Oh, gosh, I forgot my credit card. I must have left it in the limousine. Is that okay? Can you trust me?

Kenan: No, I can’t.

Chloe: I’ll have it in a couple of hours.

Kenan: Well then come back in a couple of hours. All right? I don’t know you. I’m trying to run a business.

Male voice: Coming soon to HBO, Black Lotus. All the decadence, all the intrigue. None of the foolishnness.

James: These two ladies are going to be visiting me over the next couple of days. So if you just go ahead and give them a key.

Ego: Yes, sir. Ay William, give these whores a spare key to the room.

James: Could you please talk little quiet.

Ego: Okay, William, you see this man right here? He didn’t come with nobody so he wants these hoes to come and go as they please. Everybody, treat these house like their regular people.

Kenan: Sir, You do realize that giving them a key allows them to charge anything they want to the room?

James: Yes, it’s fine. It’s fine.

Kenan: Oh, it’s fine. Oh, okay, so you rich-rich then.

Male voice: Eight wealthy tourists, one luxury hotel and a staff with no time for this nonsense.

Punkie: Sir, will your friends be joining us or is he still upstairs fucking your wife? Hah! I got next.

Sarah: Can we borrow Vespa scooter overnight?

Kenan: Oh, we don’t have scooters, ma’am. But I could offer you the hotel’s 1999 Chrysler 300. A baby is the car back?

Aubrey: Why don’t you go look yourself?

Kenan: Because you as the last one to take it out.

Aubrey: Does he look like I’m still out?

Sarah: Jack is taking me out to the countryside today.

Ego: To the countryside? Didn’t you all just meet?

Sarah: Yeah. Crazy, right?

Michael: We’re going on an adventure.

Ego: How nice, y’all enjoy now okay? Bye-bye. He gonna kill her.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

Male voice: Guests that have everything. And a staff that’s had enough.

Chloe: Hi. Excuse me. I’m sorry. I’m having a bit of a crisis. Do you know where I can find your psychic or fortune teller?

Ego: A fortune teller? Not in here. This is Jesus’s house.

Marcello: I just can’t believe it. I give her $50,000 and she totally played me.

Aubrey: Oh my god. What is wrong with you? What did you think will happen? There’s plenty of hoes out there who’ve never slept with your papi at school. [foreign language] For that kind of money, I will let you take me for a throw but you will know what to do with a real ass.

Male voice: Black Lotus, each season at a new exotic location. Like Atlanta, Washington DC, and It’ly.

Heidi: Hey, beautiful. You’ll let me sing tonight. Right? I’m good. I promise I won’t let you down.

Ego: Oh, you want to sing? You think you can replace Kenny in the Kirk Franklin lounge?

Heidi: You know what? I think I’ll sit this one out.

Ego: I think that’d be best. Yeah.

Andrew: I paid for the Coppa suite, so I should get the Coppa suite. I don’t understand why that’s so damn hard?

Kenan: Sir, it’s like I told you. It’s just not available.

Andrew: Well then make it available, moron.

Aubrey: Oh no, you’re not gonna do that. No, no, no, no, no, no no. [Aubrey runs and hits Andrew] [foreign language]

Andrew: Oh my god.

Kenan: Welcome to Black Lotus bitch.

Male voice: Black Lotus, bring your hopes, bring your designers. Don’t you dare bring an attitude.

Police: Folks, found a body on the beach. Did anybody see anything?

Kenan: That ain’t none of my business.

Devon: I know nothing about that.

Police: So no one saw body wash up from the ocean?

Ego: is the ocean to hotel because I work at the hotel?

Male voice: Black Lotus, coming to HBO and Stars spring 2023.

Weekend Update Black Ariel on Disneys LiveAction Ariel Remake

Colin Jost

Ariel… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Disney… Great transition. Disney recently made history after announcing the live action remake of “The Little Mermaid” featuring a black Ariel. Here to comment is black Ariel.

[Ariel slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Ariel: Hi. Thanks so much, Colin. You know, you can you can just call me Ariel. I don’t call you white Colin to your face.

Colin Jost: That’s my bad. So Ariel, some people online are now calling you a hero and a role model.

Ariel: Role model to who? Black girls who want to be a fish? I gotta be honest, Colin, it’s a lot of pressure. People are all like, “Oh, Ariel, you’re perfect. You’re the hero we need.” Bitch, I am normal.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I guess hero’s a lot to live up to.

Ariel: Yeah, it is. I did not ask for any of this. My mom got drunk and had sex with a tuna and now I’m here. Yo, well, y’all gotta chill with the  hero talk.

Colin Jost: Right. So I guess you’re not perfect, right?

Ariel: Honestly, worse than that. I’m kind of bad. Yeah, I grew up rich. Like, Bezos rich. My dad was the king of the sea. We had money money. I used to ride around a little see horses for fun.

Colin Jost: What’s wrong with that?

Ariel: Down there, those are just poor people. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Wow, yeah, well, that’s not great. No.

Ariel: I’m dumb too, Colin. Yes. Like stupid stupid. My brains have fish. I’m dead ass by the worm on a hook, gets me every damn time.

Colin Jost: Me too, sometimes. Ariel why are you telling us all this?

Ariel: Because I’m just trying to get ahead of stuff. For example, I hate the ocean. I’m pro SeaWorld. I met Shamu. And let me put it like this, I’m glad has ass us locked up.

Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well, I’m sure there’s some other—

Ariel: Also, supported the war in Iraq. Got nothing to do with being in the sea, just wanted revenge for 9/11 Jost. Come on, I know some of you did too, stop playing.

Colin Jost: Alright. Okay. I don’t know why you’re telling us all this but I understand there’s a lot of pressure being the hero.

Ariel: Also did the oil spill.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What?

Ariel: Did the BP oil spill. Yes. I ran up on that pipeline drunk as hell one night and did a little damage. Yes, to this day flounder still won’t talk to me.

Colin Jost: I’m so sorry. Well, Ariel, that was really bad for the environment.

Ariel: Oh, come on. Who cares? Sea levels are rising, salmon are dying. Good. Salmon are racist. Have you ever talked to one?

Colin Jost: No, I have not.

Ariel: Of course not. Because you’re not willing to do the work.

Colin Jost: Ariel, I thought you were just gonna come out here and you know, like, sing a little song. Don’t you have a little Jamaican crab that you sing with?

Ariel: Listen, Colin, I got a lot of crabs but they don’t sing. They are Jamaican though. Jamaican my nuts itch.

Colin Jost: Ariel, black Ariel, everyone.

Ariel: You just call me Ariel.

Weekend Update Black Market Baby Formula Trumps New Book on 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Well, at last year’s finale, it seemed like COVID was fading. And I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer’s hottest STD is monkeypox. That’s how weird and bad things have gone. The stock market is crashing. There’s a war in Europe. Everyone on This Is Is is about to croak. The future is looking pretty bleak. I mean, you’d have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now. I mean, I just did, but don’t worry, I’ve been hoarding baby formula.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Recent report shows that Fox News hosts Tucker Carlson seen here bragging about how big it is has repeatedly pushed the theory that Democrats want to replace white people with minorities. But that doesn’t even make sense because white people still exist. It’s not like they suddenly turn into minorities, unless it’s Halloween. Tucker Carlson has got a lot of nerve pushing these wild conspiracy theories, because if he thinks the government has a secret block to help minorities, well, he must be smoking that crack the CIA secretly put in black neighborhoods.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Liz Cheney attack the House GOP leadership saying they’ve enabled white supremacy and anti semitism. House leadership rejected Cheney’s attacks, calling them “cheaper than a black rabbi.”

[picture changes to Doug Mastraino]

Right wing right wing election denier Doug Mastriano, whose face appears to be photoshopped onto a hot dog won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for governor and said if he’s elected, he would be so far to the right, he would make Ron DeSantis look like a centrist instead of what DeSantis looks like now, my dad watching me in the school musical.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Elon Musk at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet saying, “If I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment, this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30 year career that it comes to light.” Oh, sorry, we were looking for a symbol did not do it. The answer was did not do it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump has endorsed candidates in the primaries who aren’t qualified. For instance, his pick for attorney general is literally 90s action star Steven Seagal. Now that’s not true. But what does it say about Trump that you didn’t doubt it for a second?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article saying “Rich families buying black market formula” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on black market baby formula, which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at NYU’s graduation ceremony this week, because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift. You’re still going to be paying for a decades later.

[Cut to Michael Che.There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former President Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the presidential election. The book will contain 8000 commas and no periods.

Weekend Update A Black Woman Whos Been Missing for Ten Years

Colin Jost

Missing black woman… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost:  Well, there’s been a lot of media coverage about a missing woman from Long Island, with some calling it another example of missing white woman syndrome since minority women are rarely given the same attention. Here with her thoughts is a black woman who has been missing for ten years.

[Missing black woman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome. Welcome.

Missing black woman: It’s good to be here, Colin. Honestly, it’s good to be anywhere because I had been missing, okay? It’s so frustrating. There was a white woman who went missing the same time as me and look at the photo they put out of her. [A picture of a white lady appears] Just gorgeous. Hair and make up all done. Make up, nails, all of that. Now, look at the photo they used for me. [A picture of Missing black woman appears and it’s not a good picture.] Who the hell wants to find that? Huh? I look like old dirty bastard’s dirtiest sister. And look at the white lady’s reward. $10,000. That’s a new car. Now, check out the reward for me. A $15 gift card for Chili’s Too. You got to go to an airport to use that, Colin. They’re offering chips and guacamole to find a human soul. It’s not right. And this is the worst part. At the top of my photo, they put ‘Wanted’. I’m not wanted. I’m missing! If I was wanted, I probably wouldn’t be missing. Plus the white girl got amber alert. Oh boy, every iPhone in the room started beeping and buzzing. They only put out my disappearance on Cricket Wireless. And if you opened the alert, it charged you $2.99.

Colin Jost: That is rough.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: And how are you treated by the media?

Missing black woman: Not great. The newspaper headline about her disappearance was on the front page, okay? And it said “White virginal dime piece ripped from the hands of her loving, still married parents.” Not exactly sure why they needed to flaunt their marriage on missing person section. Well, okay. And mine was on page C-15 and that one read “Girl not home for 40 days, probably nothing, family cool with it.”

Colin Jost: That’s by the Obituaries.

Missing black woman: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Now, do you think that the media has to recognize its own bias in this?

Missing black woman: Oh, it’s not just the media, Colin. Even in the movies, black women can’t get attention. White women had “Gone Girl”, “Gone Baby Gone”, “Where In The World Did That Gone Girl Go?” The best black woman got was “Madea’s Witness Protection”.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. Yes.

Missing black woman: And do you remember “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri”?

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Missing black woman: Yeah, that was three billboards for one white girl. All I got was a flyer at McDonald’s that said “You’ve seen this bitch? Either way, we good.”

Colin Jost: Well, I would just like to say that here in Weekend Update, we pledge all we speak up for those without voices.

Missing black woman: Okay. Because yesterday your co-anchor posted [picture of Michael Che’s Insta post appears] “What did R. Kelly even do?”

Michael Che: What did he do? I mean, you don’t want to answer.

Colin Jost: A black woman who’s been missing for 10 years, everyone.

Missing black woman: Ya’ll haven’t even asked my name.

Colin Jost: What is your name?

Missing black woman: Dont!

Weekend Update- National Puppy Day and Black Muppets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on March 23 and a puppy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tuesday was national puppy day. Unfortunately, at Subway. [picture changes to a Subway sandwich. There’s a dog’s tail hanging out of the sandwich.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet returned to woman after 70 years.]

Michael Che: A school at Virginia is returning a wallet to a woman 70 years after she lost it in the school gym. “Well, how do you like that?”, said a black man still in jail for stealing it.

[picture changes to a realdoll]

The makers of realdoll are saying that within 10 years they will be able to make walking, talking sex dolls with real emotions. Just what I wanted. A sex doll that walks into the room and says, “So, what are we?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sesame Street logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sesame Street has introduced two new black muppets to help explain racial difference to children. Which begs the question, “Are these muppets white?” [picture changes to the old muppets. They’re all colorful.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hmm. A Goldman Sachs executive has bought Jeffery Epstein’s former upper east side mansion for more than $50 million. Man, if those walls could talk, I bet they’d commit suicide they got the chance to talk.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new yellow Pepsi at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  Pepsi announced a new Peeps flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, “Jesus Christ!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of candles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Miller Lite is now selling bar scented candles including one called “Dog Bar”. For preview of the smell, miss the toilet for a week.

Weekend Update- Chris Redd on Black History Month

Colin Jost

Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The last day of February which means it’s also the last day of Black History month. Here to reflect to what that means to him is our very own, Chris Redd.

[Chris Redd slides in.]

[cheers and applause]

Chris Redd: Yo! Wad up? What’s up? What’s up? What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: Hey, what’s up? Good to see you, Chris. So, how was your Black History month?

Chris Redd: It was trash, man. Black people took too many L’s to let this February represent us, man. We lost legends. The Corona virus just stole the spot light. Now, I know people that wear protected mask that don’t wear condoms, and that’s wild to me. Shitting bed all around.

Colin Jost: Wow. I’m sorry.

Chris Redd: You should be. Even in politics, we have no representation, man. Kamala, gone. Corry Booker, gone. Which means me and the bay sketch is gone. The blackest candidate we got left is Joe ‘I got a black friend’ Biden. He cool, but listening to that dude talk is like watching our old man parallel park his own thoughts for 20 minutes.

Colin Jost: Wow. Yeah. Alright.

Chris Redd: And then on top of that, this happened.

[Cut to a picture of OneUnited debit visa card with a Harriet Tubman’s picture on it.]

Harriet Tubman doing Wakanda forever on a VISA card.

[cut to the news set]

What? Look at her! It looks like she got recaptured. She didn’t see Black Panther. Wakanda’s not real. Or how about this? Novels release black covers of white books for some damn reason. Look at this. Black Frankenstein looking like a Soundcloud rapper that got beat by the police. You got a black Wizard of Oz? That already happened. That’s the Wiz, you dummy! The we got Moby big ass Dick over here. This is stupid. It’s dumb.

Colin Jost: That’s pretty bad. But you know, there’s gotta be something good about this black history month, right?

Chris Redd: Well, a week ago I would have said boxing. I was looking forward to Wilder/Fury fight. But then Deontay Wilder walked out with his goofy ass wearing this nonsense. [Picture of Deontay Wilder’s entrance in the boxing match. His outfit looks heavy.] Yeah. Yeah, he lost to a bald headed potato sack body having white man too. This guy. Because he had a come-out just like a Mortal Combat fatality. Man, what’s wrong with you? And he said he did it in tribute of Black History month. Whose? Not mine. And on top of all, he got licked while getting his ass beat. Literally! Look at that. [Picture of Deontay Wilder and Tyson Fury clinching. Tyson Fury has his tongue out.] Ew! Come on, man. [Cut to the news set] Not on our month, bro!

Colin Jost: No. I don’t love that either.

Chris Redd: Nobody loves that. And then on a last second, Charles tried to sneak one pass just like we weren’t going to catch it. Look. Look at this. [Cut to picture of black people praying in White House, all standing behind Donald Trump.] Look at these White House negros. [Cut to the news set] Who y’all praying to? The ghost of black face pass? Then Trump’s got his eyes open during the prayer like he’s trying to remember which pocket his wallet is in. Trump is looking like a basketball from space jam, just sucking all the blackness out of em’. Does this look like black history to you, Colin? Huh?

Colin Jost: I’m gonna guess, no.

Chris Redd: So, just give us another month, man. Look, I know March is women’s month, so we’ll take April, we’ll start on the Chris Reddnd.

Colin Jost: What about April Colin Jostst?

Chris Redd: Nah! Y’all keep that day, boy. April Fools his how you got us over here in the first place. “It’s just a cruise. Hop on. We good. We good.”

Colin Jost: Chris Redd, everyone.

Chris Redd: Black people can’t get the Corona virus.

 

The Last Black Unicorn

Maureen… Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Beck Bennett

Black Unicorn… Tiffany Haddish

Old Black Unicorn… Leslie Jones

[Starts with a opening of the book ‘The Last Black Unicorn’]

Male voice: Once upon a time, the world was filled with magical creatures. The noblest among them were the black unicorns who possessed the ability to see through time. But now, with magic having all but left our world, only one remains.

[Cut to Maureen, Melissa and Beck looking around in the magical world]

Maureen: So, according to this map, this is the home of the last black unicorn.

Melissa: Oh, come on, Maureen. No one believes in unicorns anymore.

Beck: Yeah, Maureen, don’t be so naive.

[Black Unicorn runs out making horse noises]

Beck: Whoa! She is real!

Maureen: I told you.

Black Unicorn: I’m the last black unicorn. And with my magical horn, I can unveil the mysteries of the future.

Melissa: Whoa. You can see the future?

Black Unicorn: Hmm. [horse noises]

Beck: Mrs. Black Unicorn, I got to know. Will me and my girl stay together forever? [referring to Beck and Melissa]

Black Unicorn: Hmm, yes. I can see that the two of you will marry and live a long and happy life together.

Beck: Heck, yeah, babe. I friggin love you.

Maureen: Wow, what about me? Will I ever find true love?

Black Unicorn: Umm. Yes. I see you marrying the love of your life many years from now.

Maureen: Yes! I knew it.

Black Unicorn: I see you walking down the aisle. Your mother is crying. Your father is beaming. And all five of your children are there with their five different fathers.

Maureen: Wait. I’m sorry. I have five kids before I’m even married?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. I mean, when you get to college, you start throwing down.

Maureen: Oh, really?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. For few years, you are just conceiving and birthing and back to back and back to back. I mean, if you ain’t getting it in, you getting it out, if you know what I mean.

Beck: Oh, gross.

Maureen: Well, what about dads? Are they at least good fathers?

Black Unicorn: Oh, absolutely they are not. One of them is actually a red headed white guy with dread locks that look like Cheetos.

Maureen: God! That sounds terrible.

Melissa: Well, what about us? Will we ever have kids?

Black Unicorn: Um, yes. In your future, I see two wonderful children. Your daughter is a talented musician and your son is a gifted painter. [To Maureen] And your son, well, he also is involved with paint. Um-hmm.

Maureen: Well, how so?

Black Unicorn: He’s huffing it.

Maureen: So my son does drugs?

Black Unicorn: Yes. But on the bright side, your daughter sells drugs.

Maureen: Oh my god! Do all my kids have drug problems?

Black Unicorn: No. Actually one of your sons is sober. But he is like, the worst.

Maureen: How?

Black Unicorn: Well, he is just always mad. He’s like that really angry white kid you graduate with who joins the army and you are like, “Good luck, army.”

Beck: Man, your son sucks.

[Another black unicorn walks out]

Old Black Unicorn: Whoa, whoa. Now, why are you telling this little girl all these horrible things?

Beck: Hey, I thought you said you were the last black unicorn.

Black Unicorn: Well, she’s older than me.

Old Black Unicorn: Little girl, look, life is always going to have it’s struggles. But I can see there is still plenty of good in your future.

Maureen: Like, what kind of good?

Old Black Unicorn: Well, for example, I see you living in a beautiful apartment.

Black Unicorn: Yeah, because your house gets foreclosed on.

Old Black Unicorn: Okay, yeah. But you also get to travel the country.

Black Unicorn: On the run from FBI with your drug lord daughter.

Maureen: You know, I don’t really need to hear anymore.

Old Black Unicorn: Wait, wait. hang on. What if I told you that in the end of you retire to a secluded island?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, rikers.

Maureen: My life sucks.

Old Black Unicorn: Look, life is what you make it. If you say it sucks, it will.

Maureen: Okay. So, what you’re saying is that if I’m just true to myself, I might be able to escape my terrible destiny?

Old Black Unicorn: Oh, no. All that stuff is still going to happen. You just need to stop whining about it.

Black Unicorn: Yeah. And I didn’t even told you half the stuff. How much time you got? [horse noises]

The Day Beyonce Turned Black

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Amy… Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Jay Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with video clips of white people in their daily lives]

Male voice: For white people, it was just another great week. They never saw it coming.  They had no warning. Then, the day before the Super Bowl… it happened.

[Cut to news reports about Beyonce’s new music video release]

Female news anchor: Beyonce released a new music video that embraces her black heritage.

Male news anchor: Beyonce video is un-apologetically black.

Female news anchor: Tribute to the black lives matter movement. This is black like never before.

[Terra is watching the news and is terrified]

Terra: Honey, get in here.

[Kyle runs in]

Kyle: What is it? What’s wrong?

Terra: I think Beyonce… is black.

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black.

[Cut to Cecily in her office]

Cecily: Guys, I don’t understand this new song.

Beck: Hot sauce in my bag swag? What does that mean?

Bobby: Maybe the song isn’t for us.

Cecily: [panicking] But usually everything is!

[Cut to the street at chaos]

Male voice: It was the day that shook the whole white world.

[Amy and Sasheer are looking at the chaos]

Amy: We have to go. We have to leave America. Beyonce is black.

Sasheer: Amy, I am black.

Amy: What? No, you’re not. You’re like, my girl.

Sasheer: Yeah, but I can still be black. There’s black people all over the world. That guys is black.

[Amy and Sasheer looks at Jay Pharoah]

Amy: Of course, I know he is black.

[Cut to public in Time Square]

Kate: Beyonce is black? What about single ladies?

Kenan: She was black in that.

Kate: What about Irreplaceable?

Kenan: She was black in that too.

Kate: What about the Pink Panther movie?

Kenan: Okay, yes. She was white in that.

Male voice: It was the day white people lost their Beyonce.

[Cut to news report]

Male news reporter: Getting word now that Beyonce isn’t the only black celebrity. Some are saying Kerry Washington may also be black.

Cecily: No, it can’t be. She’s not ABC.

Beck: I don’t understand. How can they be black? They are women!

Bobby: I think they might be both.

Beck: [screaming] Both? No!

[Cut to Jay and Michael looking at white people go crazy]

Jay: So, what’s going on out there?

Michael: New Beyonce video.

Jay: Oh!

Male voice: It was the day they lost their damn white minds.

[Terra is walking towards her daughter. Her daughter is looking out the window.]

Terra: Honey. What are you listening to?

Daughter: The new Beyonce song.

[Her daughter turns around. She is black too.]

I really like it.

Terra: Oh, god! You’re black too?

[Cut to Leslie standing behind Terra]

Leslie: Terra! That is my daughter. Your daughter is over there.

[Terra’s daughter is reading a book on the bed. She is white.]

Remember? You invited us for play day?

Terra: Oh, that’s right. Thank god.

Leslie: Thank god? Really?

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black. Rated NC-17 for white people and G for black people.

[Cut to a white kid]

Kid: Mommy, is Taylor Swift still white?

Kate: I don’t know sweetheart. Just close your eyes and it will be over in the morning.

[As her son sleeps, Kate is attempting to kill her son by suffocating him under a pillow.]

[The End]