Shana… Ego Nwodim
Keith… Woody Harrelson
Jonas… James Austin Johnson
Blake… Mikey Day
Chloe fineman
Blake: Guys, can I get my cast for a second? So I just got off the phone with the studio.
Shana: Oh no, God, was it about that potential writer’s strike?
Blake: No, worse. The geniuses at the studio are no longer interested in a gut wrenching drama about obesity. So they’re shutting the film down. It’s a wrap on “The Hippo”. Movie is dead, guys.
Chloe: What?
Shana: For real?
Jonas: Seriously?
Blake: And the worst part is I know how much work you all did to prepare for your roles.
Shana: Yeah, a lot. I shadow the therapist for two weeks to get into character, Blake.
Blake: I know. I know. And Jonas drew a beard, which I know he hates.
Jonas: I do. I hate it?
Blake: And for his role, Keith gained 450 pounds in six months.
Keith: Yeah, and sorry, just to be clear, that movie is officially dead? As in we’re not making it?
Blake: No, “The Hippo” will never see the light of day.
Keith: Ah, well, that is- That’s rough to hear.
Chloe: Wait, so if we’re not making the movie, that means I dyed my hair brown for nothing?
Blake: Hey, hey, hey, it’s fine. Okay? We’re all upset. Keith. You look like this is hitting you pretty hard too buddy.
Keith: Yeah, I gotta say this is really unfortunate for me, personally.
Shana: For all of us. We all sacrifice for this film. I shadowed that therapist on my own time. I can’t get those two weeks back.
Keith: Right. And I gained 450 real pounds in six months. That’s a big lifestyle change. I have something called Triabetes now. It’s the one after diabetes.
Jonas: And I have this goddamn beard. [kicks a stool] Sorry, it’s itchy and growing it was a horrible experience.
Keith: I can relate, because gaining 450 pounds in six months also was not fun. I had to eat something called gristle loaf. Does anyone know about this? It’s a brick compressed- You know, it’s a compressed be fat and corn syrup.
Chloe: I know exactly how you feel Keith. My hair is like so brittle from the brown dot.
Keith: But this is gristle loaf, by the way. It’s what they feed sick elephants at the zoo to get them back to their normal way. Ate nine of these a day because I thought I would win the Oscar.
Blake: Yeah, and you would have. Dammit. I should have seen this coming. Studio was fighting me from day one. Shana, did you know they wanted your part to be played by a white woman?
Shana: The sad thing is I’m not surprised.
Blake: And Jonas, they wanted to cut you out of act three.
Jonas: And then there’d be what? No resolution to the custody battle storyline? God they’re so afraid of original ideas.
Blake: And get this. Instead of gaining 450 pounds in six months, they wanted Keith wear a fat suit.
Keith: Was that an option?
Blake: Yeah. But I told them. I said “Keith is a method actor. He’s not going to wear a fat suit.”
Keith: Oh, yeah. I’m really kind of wish you brought me into that conversation.
Blake: Oh really? That’s my bad, man. I’m sorry guys, this whole thing is my bad. But look at least you guys are free. You okay?
[Keith sits on a couch]
At least you guys are free to do other projects, right? Like Keith, you had an offer for a Marvel movie, right?
Keith: I think that ship has sailed. I’m not exactly in X Men shape.
Mkey: Right, well, something else will come along. All right. Well, I do this on all my films guys. On our last day as set, we all say one thing this experience gave us. So I’ll go first. I have 28 new friends.
Jonas: I have one hell of a story.
Shana: I have a deeper respect for our craft.
Chloe: same.
Blake: Alright your turn Keith. I have…
Keith: … not seen my penis in four months.
Blake: Keith, you know what? Make that 29 new friends for me.
Keith: I wasn’t included in your original count?
Shana: Hey, did the studio same why they shut the movie down?
Blake: Oh, you’ll love this. They said the script is almost word for word the same as that Brendan Fraser movie “The whale”.
Jonas: Incredible film
Shana: I thought Brendan Fraser is going to win an Oscar.
Keith: Oh, good for him.