E! New Line Up

Kendall Jenner, Gigi Hadid… Gal Gadot

Bella Hadid… Kate McKinnon

Blake Shelton… Luke Null

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Nene Leaks… Leslie Jones

[Starts with video Channel commericial]

Female voice: The world is a complete bummer right now. And here at E, we know that sometimes you just have to be like, “Buhh.” So turn your brain off with our new line-up of fall programming. First, we’re celebrating 10 years of the Kardashian dynasty with our new series, “Kendall’s Model House.” Tune in, it’s Kendall Jenner and super model sisters Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid complain around a huge bowl of fruits.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid]

Kendall Jenner: I’m under a lot of pressure.

Bella Hadid: So much pressure.

Kendall Jenner: [looking at Gigi Hadid] You’re prettier than me.

Gigi Hadid: No way. You are so much prettier than me.

Kendall Jenner: Wait. Which one am I? [Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid are thinking] Alexa?

Alexa: You are Kendall Jenner.

Female voice: What? Not everything can be good news. So, if you wanna feel absolutely nothing, watch ‘Down Home with Blake and Gwynn’, Tuesdays at 9:30.

[Cut to Blake and gwynn singing]

Blake Shelton: [singing] I love you, girl.

Gwen Stefani: [singing badly] I love you too.

Blake Shelton: No, you go high.

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani: [singing] I love you.

Blake Shelton: You know what? We’re going to work on it.

Female voice: You’d watch that for 20 minutes, and that’s okay. [Cut to Kanye West hiding from the camera] You know the moments on the Kardashians where Kanye clearly doesn’t want to be on camera? Now, there’s a show that’s just that. It’s “Where’s Kanye?” He’s hanging back because he is shy or he doesn’t want to be associated with the show. “Where’s Kanye?” Then Wednesday at 10:15, get lost in Kendall’s World.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner walking around her house]

Kendall Jenner: Hello? [looking around]

Female voice: As Kendall Jenner literally gets lost in her own house.

Kendall Jenner: Hello?

Female voice: The house is so big and empty and she’s only there two weeks out of the year.

[Kendall Jenner opening door]

Kendall Jenner: Is this the bathroom? Damn, closet again!

Female voice: But hey, that’s “Kendall’s World.” And Thursdays at 10, “Background Actors of Riverdale.” Then, their bosses, hoes and twins on “Powerful Sluts of Miami.” And you love her on “Fashion Police”, now reality star Nene Leaks has her own show.

Nene Leaks: I was on Bravo. Now I’m on E! I’m everywhere, bitch! I hate that.

Female voice: Nene Leaks, “If I Hate That.” Round out the week with special episodes of “Kendall’s World”. That’s right. She’s still lost. But she found a comfy closed to hunker down in.

[Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid finally meet]

Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid: Oh, yay!

Kendall Jenner: Where is Gigi?

Bella Hadid: She didn’t make it. did you go to the bathroom in here?

Female voice: Kendall’s World, Fridays at 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30 and so on forever. Only on E. You want this!

Wishin’ Boot

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Blake Shelton

[Starts with Kate, Aidy and Blake in their set.] [music playing]

Kate: Sometimes, stormed cloud seems dark. It feels like there’s no hope.

Aidy: But trust us. There’s something out there, watching over you.

Blake: All you gotta do is believe.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: [singing] When I was 16 our farm burned down
daddy took the drinking all over town
I raised my brothers in old motel
went from living in heaven to starving in hell
and then one day I heard a knock at the door
opened it up and saw a boot on the floor

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the wishin’ boot
the little black boot that makes your dreams come true.
it was the wishin’ boot
I wished for the food
when you’re in need just believe
in the wishin’ boot

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: When I was young nobody taught me wrong from right
started stealing trucks by day and hooking by night
got nowhere fast in one horse town
shot the Johnny named riddler and they took me down
I was in jail facing 20 to life
till the warden said there’s a visitor who wants to say hi

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the wishin’ boot
it gave my bail and brought me a new suit
the boot could see
see the good in me
next day by dawn it was gone
it was the wishin’ boot

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: I was working in barn with my old dog Jake
when the wishin’ boot appeared and I thought, “This is a mistake”
I walked up to the boot say everything’s alright
then the boot pulled out a knife and threatened my life
this was not the wishin’ boot, it was a fake
and suddenly my good old dog began to change in shape

[Cut to Kate, Aidy and Blake]

Kate, Aidy and Blake: It was the wishin’ boot
the real wishin’ boot
the whole dang time that dog had been the boot
Oh, wishin’ boot,
beautiful and true
you’re so much more than a boot
your’e the wishin’ boot

Kate: A wishin’ boot is a boot and it’s there when you need it

Aidy: Don’t ask how it knows what it knows, just take what it gives you

Kate, Aidy and Blake: And never let it to
it’s a wishin’ boot
just believe it is true
it’s hope in the form of little old dirty boot
you’re the wishin’ boot
the boot is you
tell all your friends about the boot

Aidy: About the wishin’ boot.

Blake: About the wishin’ boot.

Kate: About the wishin’ boot.

We’re gonna make so much [bleep] money off this song.

[cheers and applause]

The Magician’s Heckler

Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a magic show. There are Magician, Kenan and Blake on the stage.]

Magician: No, sir. If you’ll kindly place your card back into the deck just like that. Don’t let me see. Give it a shuffle. And what I want you to do is tap the top card. Sir, is this your card? [Magician shows the card]

Kenan: Oh, my god! That is.

[Cut to the audience. Everybody is laughing but Blake]

Blake: Not real!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: And you, ma’am? Do you still have the card I gave you and have you put in your pocket.

[Aidy looks for a card in her pockets] [Cut to Blake]

Blake: Fake. It’s just a trick.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, it’s not in my pocket.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha! You messed up the trick. I told you it was fake.

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Oh, I see. I see. No, it is not in your pocket because it’s now in his.

[Kenan puts his hand in his pocket.]

Kenan: Oh, my! It’s right here.

[Everybody clapping]

That’s amazing.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, my god!

[Cut to Magician, Kenan and Aidy]

Magician: Give a hand to my two volunteers, please. [Kenan and Aidy leave the stage] Now, um, for my next trick–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Sir, can I ask you a question.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Um, I’m kind of in the middle of the show. But sure, what is it?

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: How in the hell did you do that?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Well, a magician never reveals his secrets.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Oh, come on, man! We’re both adults.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: Alright, you’re right. I’ll tell you. It was magic.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Real magic?

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: That’s right. Now for my next trick, I’m gonna need several–

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Make me rich.

[Cut to Magician]

Magician: I’m sorry, what?

[Blake walks to the stage]

Oh, um, sir.

Blake: Use your powers and make me rich.

Magician: I can’t do that sir.

Blake: You can’t or you won’t?

Magician: Ha-ha-ha. Sir, if you’ll just have a seat.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Alright, this next trick, I’m gonna need two volunteers. How about you two? Come on, step up here. Sir, please if you’ll just step to the side.

[Beck and Kate walk to the stage to volunteer]

Great! Wow! That is a beautiful watch, my friend.

Beck: Oh, thank you. It’s an anniversary gift.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake ]Okay, now, um, [Magician gets a hat] what I need you to do is go ahead and place the watch inside this hat please.

[Beck puts his watch inside the hat]

Blake: Give me the power to know what women are thinking.

Magician: What? Now, I’m gonna–

Blake: So I can know what to say to them to get their tops off.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Please, sir. Go ahead. Hold this hat for me.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, the funny thing about time ladies and gentlemen, is that it flies.

[Magician mimics as he caught something. The he shows that the watch Beck had put in the hat is now in his wrist.] [Magician opens the watch and gives it back to Beck]

Blake: Oh, my god! Make me rich, man!

Magician: Oh, come on dude! Now, ma’am, what I want you to do is go ahead and pick a card. [Magician places a deck of card in front of Kate]

Kate: Okay.

Blake: I wanna be able to slam dunk.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah, now I want you to write your address on the back of the card. Do not let me see.

Blake: Give me indestructible bones. Wolverine claws.

Magician: Buddy! Go ahead, place the card back in the deck.

Blake: I wanna be a black guy just for one day.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, you can all see that I am shuffling the cards.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] And, sir, what I want you to do is choose a second card.

Blake: Gun for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Now, don’t show it to me.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Well, go ahead. Obviously, look at it yourself.

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: And now show everybody else. [Beck is showing the card to the audience except Magician]

Blake: I want chicken nuggets with ranch.

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: Dude, he’s not a waiter. He’s not gonna get you chicken nuggets.

[Cut to the stage]

Blake: Activate guns for hands.

Magician: [ignoring Blake] Ah! You know what, guys! Let’s talk about this. Sir, [cut to Magician and Blake] okay, I don’t know what it is exactly you want me to do.

Blake: Make me rich.

Magician: Alright, I’m not gonna make you rich, okay?

Blake: Chicken nuggets.

Magician: Look, sir, I’m just trying to put on a show, make a couple of bucks.

Blake: Guns for hands.

Magician: How are you not getting this? Please, I’m betting you. This is just a show.

Blake: Sir, I’m sorry. You’re right. Please continue.

[Cut to the stage]

Magician: Thank you. Finall, ha-ha-ha. Now, sir, [talking to Beck] have you memorized your card?

Beck: Yes.

Magician: Go ahead and place that card inside the hat.

Blake: Give me the power to go down on myself.

Magician: Alright, you want that? Fine! You have it! You have the power to go down on yourself. Congratulations.

Blake: You will not regret this! Yes! Thank you, sir. Thank you.

[Blake goes to the backstage behind the curtains]

Magician: Um, ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize. This has never happened before.

[Blake is making noise behind the curtains]

Blake: Activate going down on myself!

[Blake comes back to the stage]

It didn’t work, man! I did get a little bit closer, but not all the way. Could you just use a little bit more magic? I do believe in magic.

Magician: Alright.
Blake: I do.

Magician: Okay.

Blake: I do believe.

Magician: Magic isn’t real.

Blake: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I knew it! He’s a fake! I told you guys. Man, you guys are idiots. Ha-ha. He’s a fake!

[Blake leaves the stage]

Magician: I’m just joking ladies and gentlemen. Magic obviously is [he has a card in his palm. He tries to make it disappear but everybody could see the card thrown back.] very real.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Power to go down on myself!

[cheers and applause]

Parole Board

Blake Shelton

Wallace Redding… Kenan Thompson

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of a room in prison. Parole board is asking questions to Wallace Redding.]

Blake: Our next prisoner is Wallace Redding. Mr. Redding, we see by your file you’ve served 40 years of a life sentence.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: That’s right, sir.

[Cut to everybody]

Blake: Let me ask you, do you feel you have been rehabilitated?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Rehabilitated? Hah! That’s a funny question. I don’t believe I know the meaning of that word. Is the man who walked into this prison 40 years ago the same man you see before you? Absolutely not. Am I a saint? No. Just a man. A man who paid his debt to society. But no matter what your decision is today. I’ll accept it. For I know in the eyes of the lord, I am a free man. Free from cell, I humbly await your answer.

[Cut to Blake, Bobby and Cecily]

Blake: No, hell no! You ate a man.

Cecily: You’re the Texas man gobbler. We’d be insane if we let you out.

Bobby: Yeah, you are never getting out of here.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: If there were no cameras in this room, I would kill you myself you sick son of a bitch.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: The answer is no.

Bobby: A fat no.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Well, I don’t expect you to come up with an answer right now. But for any of you folks who are on the fence, I have taken a hard look at my life. The things I’ve done. The things I–

Bobby: Shut up!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

No one is on the fence. You just ate a guy in prison last week. A new guy.

Cecily: You ate a whole guy, man! All that was left was just empty clothes and his hair. That’s like a magic trick.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: This is a decision of whether or not you get the chair. And you do. You absolutely do.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: I know you have a lot to discuss. The truth gets hazy inside the bin. Did I eat those people? Yes, I did. Did I enjoy it? Immensely. Would I do it again? Point me towards a homeless shelter. So whether you set me free or not, or whether I stay in here, either way I’m going to eat another man. Now, I can’t make your decision for you.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You don’t need to. It’s been made. You’re never getting out.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Do you honestly feel no remorse for what you’ve done?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Of course I do. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, but for what I was. A young stupid kid who committed that horrible crime. I wanna find that kid, talk to him. Try to talk sense into him. Grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Grab him by the neck, bite him. Take a little nibble out of his arm and nibble out of that corner of of the cob, nom-nom-nom-nom.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you saying you want to eat your younger self?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Does that make me rehabilitated? Yes, it does. I suppose you’re right. I’ll be on my way.

[Wallace tries to walk out of it] [Cut to everybody]

Cecily: No, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Well, before you answer, let me just say one thing.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: We already answered. No, dude!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Now, whether I walk out of this prison a free man or not.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Not! Not! You’re not walking out of here.

Bobby: Yes, at this point you should only be thinking about what you want for your last meal.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: A man.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Sorry?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: For my last meal. One man please.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Two boys?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Okay, fine! One boy.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Fine. Shake shack.

[Cut to the ending clip of sea beach]

Wallace narrating: That was he day I escaped from prison and I met up with my good friend Andy in Zihuatanejo. We watched the sunset, had a couple of beers, and when he was good and drunk, I ate him.

My Darlin’ Joan

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Russle Shey… Taran Killam

Tyler Coldwin… Blake Shelton

[Starts with Topeka Today video bumper] [Cut to Sasheer and Bobby in their set.]

Sasheer: Welcome back. It’s not everyday day a 97 year old becomes a world famous song writer.

Bobby: But that’s exactly what happened to our next guest. When his wife of 70 years passed away last spring, [Cut to old black and white picture of a couple in a car] Russle Shey decided to pay tribute to her in song. [Cut to Sasheer and Bobby] He teamed up with a local musician and now he’s got America listening with over 2 million YouTube hits.

Sasheer: We’ve got Russle in the studio with us now. [Cut to Russle] And, aren’t you a sweetheart?

Russle: [laughing] Thank you.

[Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Now, Russle. How did you and your wife Joan meet?

[Cut to Russle]

Russle: Well, when I came home from the war, I’d go to the library everyday. One day I walked in and there was the most beautiful library I ever saw. And that was my Joan.

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Bobby: Aw, that’s beautiful. Also, here is Tyler Coldwin [Cut to Tyler] who has helped set Russle’s song to music. [Cut to Sasheer and Bobby] The song is ‘My Darling Joan.’ Please take it away.

[Cut to everybody. Tyler is playing guitar.] [Joan and Russle’s young pictures appears at the backdrop of the stage.]

Tyler: [singing] My darling Joan
I won’t forget your sweet and tender smile
My darling Joan
you never fail to light up a room
My darling Joan
I’ll always treasure the day we met
I’ll treasure, I’ll treasure
I’ll treasure, oh, that memorable day

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Sasheer: Beautiful.

[Cut to Tyler playing guitar.]

Tyler: There’s more.

[Cut to everybody] [singing] My darling Joan
you were not perfect but sure were mine
My darling Joan
you could silence a room with your nasty remarks

[Sasheer and Bobby look confused]

My darling Joan
your hatred of animals rattles my core
My darling Joan
you even yelled at me in your sleep
your body, your body
your body, it was just okay

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Bobby: I’d just like everyone to know that this is our first time hearing this song.

[Cut to everybody]

Tyler: [singing] My darling Joan
I’d hide in the closet and read my bible for strength
My darling Joan
our dinners were silent and we never had sex
My darling Joan
the only thing you loved were your expensive hats
My darling Joan
your favorite hobby was making me cry
you monster, you monster
I wish I killed you but you choked on some corn

[Cut to Sasheer and Bobby]

Sasheer: So, why did you agree to help him with this?

[Cut to Russle and Tyler]

Tyler: Look, Russle’s a good guy. Plus, he’s my landlord. So, I kind of had to.

[Cut to everybody] [The pictures of Joan at the backdrop are all made funny with pen. Russle has made horns and mustache on her.] [singing] My darling Joan
do they let you use your humidifier in hell?
My darling Joan
does the devil let you curse him in front of his friends?

[Russle starts singing with Tyler]

Russle and Tyler: I hate you, I hate you
I hate you, now I’ll dance on your grave.
You’re in the ground
I’m alive and bugs are eating your head

Bobby: Okay! Okay! Alright! Thank you Tyler and Russle.

Russle: No, there’s three more verses.

Bobby: Nope. Going to commercial. We’ll be right back.

[Cut to Topeka Today video bumper] [cheers and applause]

Monologue Blake Shelton Recreates Hee Haw

Blake Shelton

Cook with a jug… Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Blake Shelton.

[Blake Shelton walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Blake Shelton: Thank you! Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. I am Blake Shelton. And yes, officer, I have been drinking. Now, for those of you who don’t know my work, I’m kind of like the Justin Bieber of country music. A little trouble making cutie.

I gotta say I do feel little bit like a fish out of water up here in New York city because, man, everything is so fancy. When I was growing up, the only comedy show I watched was Hee-Haw. And Hee-Haw was a variety show that was kind of like laughing meets deliverance. It was a little bit corny [country music starts playing] but I just loved it. [people wearing country dresses come behind him and someone hands him over the guitar.] And I thought, what a childhood. Oh, this is better already. We have a cook with a jug.

[Cook with a jug runs in]

Cook with a jug: I call this My Giggle Juice.

Blake Shelton: Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna do some old fashioned picking and grinning. All you gotta do is just play a little music and tell a little joke like this. Come on! Hee-Haw!

[country music playing] [music stops]

Hey Taran!

Taran: Yeah, Blake.

Blake Shelton: I got food poisoning the other night.

Taran: Oh, no! What was wrong with the food?

Blake Shelton: My wife made it!

Taran: [laughing] That’s fun!

Blake Shelton: That’s Hee-Haw. That’s Hee-Haw. Come on, man! Here we go.

[country music playing. Taran walks away and Jay walks near Blake Shelton] [music stops]

Blake Shelton: Hey, Jay. Did you hear about that big old fish I caught?

Jay: Yeah! Well, don’t give it to your wife. I hear her cooking sucks!

[Blake Shelton is confused and looks at Jay.]

Blake Shelton: Don’t say that about my wife, man!

[Cut to Cecily, Leslie and Venessa dressed as country girls]

Leslie: May I be excused?

[Cut to Jay and Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: No, man! Hey, old Cook! Come down here. Let’s show them how it’s done. Come on, man. Here we go!

[country music playing. Jay walks away and Cook walks near Blake Shelton] [music stops]

Cook: I had to take my sister out the other night.

Blake Shelton: Oh, what for?

Cook: Our anniversary.

Blake Shelton: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Cecily, Leslie and Venessa dressed as country girls]

Leslie: I do not like this!

[Cut to Blake Shelton and Cook]

Blake Shelton: You know what? Too bad!

[country music playing. Cook walks away and Pete walks near Blake Shelton] [music stops]

Blake Shelton: So, Pete. I was at the saloon the other day.

Pete: Yeah, I know. While you were there I had sex with your sister.

[Blake Shelton looks confused.]

Blake Shelton: Dude, this isn’t a roast.

Pete: That’s what I said to your wife when she tried to make me dinner.

Blake Shelton: Come on, man! Nice country jokes. Come on, man! Come on!

[country music playing. Pete walks away and Cecily walks near Blake Shelton] [music stops]

Blake Shelton: Hey, Cecily.

Cecily: Uh-huh?

Blake Shelton: My grandpa got his test results back.

Cecily: Oh, is he okay?

Blake Shelton: He’s great! He finally passed second grade!

[Blake Shelton and Cecily laugh] [Cut to Cecily, Leslie and Venessa dressed as country girls]

Leslie: This is wrong!

[Cut to Blake Shelton and Cecily]

Blake Shelton: You know what? You freaking guys! [Cut to everybody] Just forget it man! Maybe this was a bad idea.

Taran: No, Blake. Blake, no! We wanna get it right. We got it! Give us one more chance. Nice country jokes.

Blake Shelton: Seriously?

Taran: Yeah!

Blake Shelton: Okay. Alright! Well, here it goes.

[Taran and Venessa sit by Blake Shelton’s side.]

Taran: Hey, Vanessa.

Vanessa: Yeah, Taran.

Taran: So, you know how Blake’s grand father is an idiot, right?

[Blake Shelton is getting angry]

Vanessa: Oh, yeah! The dummest.

Taran: So, the other day I was having sex with Blake’s sister.

Vanessa: Who hasn’t?

[Cut to Cecily and Leslie. Leslie is laughing hard.]

Leslie: Okay. Now, that’s funny! You are hilarious, Blake.

[Cut to Taran, Blake Shelton and Vanessa]

Blake Shelton: What? We did it! We made Leslie laugh! She’s laughing!

[country music playing. Everyone stands.] [music stops]

Blake Shelton: Woo! We got a great show tonight, everybody. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Farm Hunk

Ryan Coles… Blake shelton

Alissa… Cecily Strong

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Farm Hunk intro]

Male voice: One hunky farmer, 25 beautiful ladies. Who will he take home to Iowa to be his bride? It all happens tonight on Farm Hunk.

[Cut to Ryan Coles]

Ryan Coles: There’s so many beautiful girls here, but tonight I have to send three of them home. Probably the 2 black girls plus one with the curly hair one. So, tonight I’m gonna spend some one on one time with each of them to help make my decision.

[Cut to Ryan Coles and Alissa sitting on a bench at park.]

Alissa: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too.

Alissa: Just us, you know?

Ryan Coles: I do know. So, Alyssa, tell me about yourself. I mean, who is Alyssa?

Alissa: Oh, okay. Well, I live in Hollywood. I’m a pediatric nurse. I’ve also done some light porn.

Ryan Coles: Hmm. I love kids. And I’m horny. So, if we get married, would you be willing to move to Iowa?

Alissa: I’d love that.

Ryan Coles: My town is really ugly and stinky and far away from things.

Alissa: I’d love that.

Ryan Coles: And there’s no one there of your age to be friends with. It’s only old men.

Alissa: As long as you’re there.

Ryan Coles: I won’t be, for long stretches of time.

Alissa: I’d love that.

[Venessa walks in]

Venessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

Alissa: Um, okay.

[Alissa leaves and Venessa sits with Ryan Coles.]


Venessa: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too. So, tell me about yourself.

Venessa: Well, I’m from Hollywood. I’m a second grade teacher… in my pornos. And in real life, I’m a third grade teacher.

Ryan Coles: In Iowa, you can’t teach. There’s no schools in my town.

Venessa: I’d love that.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a second?

[Venessa leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

Kate: Um, I like this.

Ryan Coles: Me too. So,

tell me about yourself.

Kate: Well, I’m from Hollywood. And I’m a veteran … of the porn industry. I’ve served my country for like 200 times. I have a gift for you because I heard that you like Italian food.

Ryan Coles: I do, it’s really good.

Kate: [laughs] It’s funny! So, I brought you some spaghetti. Here. [Kate has spaghetti all over her hand. She puts the spaghetti on Ryan Coles’s palms.] [Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Can I steal him for a second please?

Kate: Yeah, sure.

Sasheer: Thank you.

[Kate leaves and Sasheer sits with Ryan Coles.]

I know we haven’t had a chance to talk yet, but when I die, I wanna be buried next to you.

Ryan Coles: Well, if I pick you, you’d have to move to Iowa. Would you be cool with never seeing another black person again?

Sasheer: I’d love that.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Um, can I steal him for a second?

Sasheer: Sure.

[Sasheer leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

Ashley: Hi. Gosh, I’m glad we’re finally getting some sexy alone time coz I’m ready to– [crying] I’m sorry. My dad is dead. He died 10 years ago and I really miss him. Like, I’m not good. I’m really, really bad.

[Alissa walks in]

Alissa: Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

Ashley: Yeah!

[Ashley leaves and Alissa sits with Ryan Coles.]

Alissa: I just want to say that I’m really falling for you. And, I don’t like a lot of people. I don’t like Mexicans. I don’t like Chinese. But I like you.

Ryan Coles: I feel the same way.

Alissa: I guess we’re soulmates.

[Kate walks in with a parrot.]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Alissa leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

I heard you like animals. So, I brought you a alive macaw. It’s like me. Unpredictable in a bad way.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Um, can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

I’m Saryan. I wrote you a rap.

[rapping] My name is Ashley and I’m only fun

my n–

[crying] I’m sorry. My brain is sick. You’re gonna have to give me medicine everyday. And it has to be in cheese or I spit it out. Please pick me.

[Kate walks in with welding machine.]

Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a second?

[Ashley leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]

Um, I heard that you like welding. So, I thought maybe we could weld some metal together.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]

So, tell me about you. Like, what kind of farmer are you? Do you make grass? Or do you like, make beans? Or– [crying] I’m sorry. I was kidnapped when I was little. It happened on the same day. Just because she did baby beauty pageants and I did baby weight lifting, nobody cared!

Ryan Coles: Okay, listen to me. I love how real you’re being right now. And I think I– I know that I’ve talked to everyone and I’ve made my decision.

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: Wait, wait, wait, wait. [Leslie pulls and throws Ashley away] Can I talk to him for a second?

You did not talk to me. I’m not going home tonight. It’s week 2, that’s when I go. I get that. But listen, if you ever in New York, give me a call and I’ll shuck your corn all night long.

Ryan Coles: Can I get your cell number?

Leslie: Just google Leslie Jones, SNL. It will all come up.

[cheers and applause]

Celebrity Family Feud

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Blake Shelton

Adam Levine… Taran Killam

Pharell Williams… Jay Pharoan

Christina Aguilera… Cecily Strong

Keith Urban… Kate McKinnon

Nicki Minaj… Sasheer Zamata

Harry Connick Jr. … Beck Bennett

Steven Tyler… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with the game stage of Family Feud]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud Celebrity Edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in] [cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud. Y’all like this suit? It’s the first suit made by Hennessy. Yeah, they used to make fine cognacs. But thought that they give clothing a try. Yeah, it’s got a little pocket for a little 5 ouncer.

Okay, today we got celebrities from [Cut to the judges of The Voice] The Voice, taking on the team from [Cut to the judges of American Idol] American Idol.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

And leader of The Voice team is metrosexual lumberjack Blake Shelton.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Now, Blake, America knows you as a coach on The Voice. You ever tried singing yourself?

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Yes, Steve. I’ve sold like, 7 million Amazon on the radio all the time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Not in my neighborhood. Okay, next to Blake from the band Mark Maroon-5 is sexy, smothering, soprano scare crow, Adam Levine.

[Cut to Adam Levine]

Adam Levine: Hey! How you doing, Steve? Hope you check out my new album and my proactive commercial.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I would check out both, but I already went through puberty. And we also got fashion icon, Pharell. You looking good, playa!

[Cut to Pharell Williams]

Pharell Williams: Well, thank you. I got this hat from Smokey the Bear. All of you can prevent force fire, huh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, I like you. any man who starts his day dressing from his hat down is okay with me. Then we got pop diva, Christina Alelera.

[Cut to Christina Aguilera]

Christina Aguilera: Hello, Steve. It’s an honor for this proud Latino woman.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Latino? Girl you Latino the same way Tacobell is Mexican food. And here in the American Idol team with a voice from god and hair from Jennifer Aniston, is a country singer, Keith Urban.

[Cut to Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Steve, it’s lovely to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wait a minute. You’re Australian? Country music is supposed to be about living in the middle of nowhere and drinking beer, and starting fights. Okay, yeah, that’s Australia. And over here with her body turned up to 11, it’s Nicki Minaj.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj]

Nicki Minaj: I’m here to have fun, but I came to win!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Um, excuse me. I think this brass doll is possessed. Over here, he is the number one album seller of all time in Starbucks, it’s Harry Connick Jr.

[Cut to Harry Connick Jr.]

Harry Connick Jr.: Thanks, Steve. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, I like your music. Makes me feel like I’m in a white barber shop. And finally, one of the world’s greatest lady rockers, Ms. Stevey Knix.

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: Come on, man! I’m Steven Tyler! [shouts somethings] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Steven Tyler? I don’t know, player! You look like a dream catcher came to life. Either way, let’s get two players up here.

[Cut to everybody. Blake Shelton and Keith Urban are walking to the buzzers.]

Keith Urban and Blake, look at this. You look like him if he ate one of those Super Mario Brother mushrooms. Blagaga-blgaga-blagaga. Now, how long has American Idol been on?

Keith Urban: About 12 years.

Steve Harvey: And what about The Voice?

Blake Shelton: 4 years, but we’re on our 17th season.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, NBC does run hell lot of that show. I see y’all on TV more than that Mutant-X Boogerman. Hilarious.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Okay, top 5 answers on the board. We asked 100 people. Name something you never ask a woman.

[Blake Shelton presses the buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Blake Shelton.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: What did I do, Maranda?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Steve Harvey: Trouble just follows you, don’t it? Show me, ‘What did I do wrong?’

[Cut to the show screen. There is ‘What did I do wrong’ in the answers.]

Wow! [Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban] Man, I can’t believe that’s up there.

Blake Shelton: Well, I say it a lot.

Steve Harvey: Keith Uban?

Keith Urban: Alright.

Steve Harvey: Something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Keith Urban]

Keith Urban: Well, something I say all the time is, “Who did your highlights?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Steve Harvey: Yeah! Yeah, I once got my mustache highlighted. [Cut to Steve Harvey] I looked like a black Captain Crunch.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban]

Let’s see, ‘How did you get the lady hair?’

[Cut to the show board. There is ‘Do you dye your hair?’ in the answers.]

Close enough. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban] American Idol, you got the point.

Keith Urban: Alright!

[Steve Harvey and Keith Urban walk to American Idol side.]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj. Something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Nicki Minaj]

Nicki Minaj: I get this all the time. I’m gonna say, “Is it real?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Don’t matter. Real or not, I’m smacking it. Show me, ‘Is it real?’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.] [wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not on there.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Harry Connick Jr., what do you never ask a woman?

[Cut to Harry Connick Jr.]

Harry Connick Jr.: Steve, there’s nothing that makes a lady hit the road faster that looking her in the eye and say, “Well, you know I’m not Michael Bublé, right?”

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: I hear you, player. I dated a woman for three years who thought that I was Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames. Show me, ‘not who she thought I was.’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.] [wrong answer buzzer]

Not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.] Okay, last chance. Steven Tyler, something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: I’ll tell you what, baby. If you’re talking to a woman, never bring up age.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Her age?

[Cut to Steven Tyler]

Steven Tyler: No, my age. [screams] [Cut to Steve Harvey and the American Idol team.]

Steve Harvey: Oh, I see that. Show me, ‘too old to get figure.’

[Cut to the show board. It’s not in the answer.] [wrong answer buzzer]

Ah, no!

[Steve Harvey walks to The Voice team]

Okay, The Voice team. You got a chance to steal.

[Cut to The Voice team]

Adam Levine: Who is prettier? You or me?

Pharell Williams: Wanna meet Robin Thicke?

Christina Aguilera: Why do you sound like Ooh-Ooh-Yeah!

[Cut to Steve Harvey and The Voice team]

Steve Harvey: Okay, Blake, tell me something you never ask a woman.

[Cut to Blake Shelton]

Blake Shelton: Well, one question I see ladies get asked all the time and they really hate it is, ‘Are you Adam Levine?’

[Cut to Steve Harvey and The Voice team]

Adam Levine: Ha-ha-ha. Okay, very good. You got me, Blake.

[Cut to Blake Shelton and Adam Levine]

Blake Shelton: Yeah, I did, pretty boy.

Adam Levine: Pretty? You really think I’m pretty?

Steve Harvey: What’s happening?

Blake Shelton: Yeah!

Steve Harvey: Okay, here we go.

Adam Levine: Really?

Blake Shelton: Yeah!

Adam Levine: I think you’re very handsome.

[Blake Shelton and Adam Levine go below the table] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, wow! This is happening. That’s happening right now. This has been in the works for about three years. You know what? I’ma let these two work this out while I take a little bit of ‘me time’. [showing the bottle of Hennessy he had in his suit pocket.] Hennessy soup, y’all.

[cheers and applause]