Splitting the Check

Jackie… Owen Wilson

Ego Nwodim

Waiter… Aristotle Athari

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bob… Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a group of adults at a restaurant]

Jackie: Anyway, I spent a lot of time defending sea world but they really do a terrific job with the fish.

Ego: Cool.

[waiter walks in with the check]

Waiter: Here’s your check. Whenever you’re ready. No rush.

Jackie: He was great, by the way. I think we tip him, right?

[Kenan nods his head]

Cecily: Okay. So, how should we do this?

Bob: I guess I could put it on my card?

Ego: No, no, you don’t have to do that.

Jackie: If it’s easier, we can just split it six ways.

Cecily: Well, some people had more than others.

Jackie: Did they?

Cecily: Let’s just go through and see who ordered what.

Jackie: Okay. That’s fair.

Cecily: Diet coke.

Kenan: That’s me.

Cecily: Coke zero.

Jackie: That’s me.

Cecily: Sprite zero.

Jackie: Me as well. Just obeying my thirst.

Cecily: Iced tea.

Heidi: Me.

Cecily: Arnold Palmer.

Jackie: Moi.

Cecily: Arnold Palmer with tequila.

Jackie: Ha-ha. Someone had to get the party started.

Cecily: Whole roasted chicken, extra potatoes.

Jackie: Sounds familiar.

Cecily: Flat iron pork chop, sub out broccoli for potatoes.

Jackie: Okay, no, no, no. Wait. That, I ordered for the table. Although, I probably ate the lion share of it.

Cecily: 98 ounce quarter house steak.

Jackie: Don’t look at me because I didn’t get that. I’m serious. I didn’t get that. There’s now way. Come on.

Cecily: There’s a photo of you on the wall eating it.

Jackie: Well, maybe.

Cecily: Four bacon cheese burgers to go.

Jackie: Okay, I’m off the hot seat. Bob, that’s you.

Bob: I’m a vegetarian.

Jackie: Little too much information.

Cecily: The Carson Daly, chicken broth and vodka.

Jackie: Yeah, I was trying to switch it up. A man cannot live on tequila alone.

Cecily: Five shots of tequila but leave them on the bathroom so my friends don’t find out.

Ego: I’m actually more concerned that you called us friends.

Bob: A dozen raw eggs still in the container.

Jackie: That I’ll admit was a little grocery shopping. I don’t expect you guys to pay for that.

Heidi: A bottle of your nicest white wine with a note that says, “Please take me back, Jennifer, I am so, so sorry. I know we can make this work if you just tell the judge you were lying.”

Jackie: They wrote that on the bill? Why? Just to embarrass me?

Cecily: No. They charged you because you asked for it to be done by a calligrapher.

Jackie: Beautiful.

Cecily: Bowl of turkey chilly with a rum floater.

Jackie: Did I do that? Urkle.

Cecily: Another small side of potatoes.

Kenan: That actually was me. Those potatoes did look good.

Cecily: And a Cadillac margarita.

Jackie: Hey, it’s 5 AM somewhere, right?

Heidi: AM?

Jackie: Is anyone else really blacking out right now?

[Kenan hits the table]

Kenan: Mr. Jackie St. Croix St. Thomas, we invited you to this meeting because you said you uncovered a map that would show us a true location of the holy grail.

Bob: We’ve been more than patient with you. Now produce the map at once!

Heidi: There are interested parties, [whispering] Nazis, who are mot eager to possess it.

Jackie: Great. I’m just gonna come clean. I’m not the successful dentist turned janitor turned influencer you all thought I was. And I don’t have the map. [Jackie slowly puts his hat] Because it belongs in a museum.

[Jackie stands. Everyone is shocked.]

Kenan: It’s him!

Cecily: Dr. Indianapolis Bones?

[Cut to outro]

Male voice: The adventures of Indianapolis Bones.

[Cut to the restaurant. Waiter walks in with a gun in his hand.]

Waiter: Not so fast, Dr. Bones.

Jackie: Nothing my trusty whip can’t handle!

[Jackie pulls out his whip. Waiter shoots at him and Jackie falls.]

Cecily: Oh! You killed him! You killed Dr. Bones in the first episode?

Male voice: Only on Amazon Prime. We’re still figuring it out.


Weekend Update- Bob Baffert on Medina Spirit’s Failed Drug Test

Michael Che

Bob Baffert… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Monday, Medina Spirit, the horse that won this year’s Kentucky Derby tested positive for steroids. Here to comment is Medina Spirit’s trainer, Bob Baffert.

[Bob Baffert slides in]

Bob Baffert: Michael, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Sure, Bob. So, your horse tested positive for steroids but you deny any involvement?

Bob Baffert: Of course, I deny it, Michael. Bob Baffert’s not stupid. I don’t cheat. Do I look like a shady character to you?

Michael Che: Honestly, yes, Bob. Yes, you do.

Bob Baffert: I have no idea how my horse could have tested positive. Could be anything. Maybe, he went to one of those silly Patch Adams hospitals, slipped on a banana peel, fell onto a syringe of testosterone, boom, positive test. Or, maybe he hooked up with another horse who was positive. You can contract steroids through oral, Michael.

Michael Che: That sounds very unlikely.

Bob Baffert: You don’t know horse stuff, Michael. It’s okay. You have to understand, he had a very traumatic upbringing. He fell out of his mother’s hole, then I got right on his face and said, “Run, you little bitch.”

Michael Che: That’s really intense, man.

Bob Baffert: Yes, it’s horse stuff. It’s really intense. Bottomline, I have won seven Kentucky Derbies. Seven. And I have trained tons of thoroughbreds, all clean. American Pharoah, Silver Charm, Mark McGuire, Justify, Super Jacked Kangaroo.

Michael Che: Really? And all of them are clean?

Bob Baffert: Almost as a whistle, Michael. Medina Spirit is a victim of cancel culture. They’re trying to cancel him because he’s big and strong and white.

Michael Che: I think he’s brown.

Bob Baffert: He’s Italian, Michael. Come on. I mean, sure, Medina Spirit ain’t perfect. He’s moody, temperamental and he exposed himself on a Zoom. It’s normal horse stuff, folks. Come on. The wild animals for crimes sake.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like pretty toxic environment.

Bob Baffert: Michael, please. Calling a horse toxic can ruin its reputation. Okay?

Michael Che: Well, I guess I didn’t realize that.

Bob Baffert: Yes, you didn’t. You wouldn’t. It’s okay but don’t worry about it. I think people got to know, Medina Spirit is actually a really cool guy. Check it out. [A picture of a horse flexing it’s arms like humans appears on right top corner.] He’s got everything that a normal horse has. Throbbing muscles, backne, a perfect square Zac Efron jaw, baseball bat shaft, pea-sized ball.

Michael Che: You call that a normal horse?

Bob Baffert: Yes, Michael. And here he is on vacation.

Michael Che: Is he at a Mexican pharmacy?

Bob Baffert: Oh, now horse can’t party? Come on, Michael. And here he is hitting his 73rd home run.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, Medina Spirit actually tested clean before racing in today’s peakness.

Bob Baffert: Yes. I checked it myself and it tested fine.

Michael Che: Wow. So, how did he do?

Bob Baffert: Well, he fell apart out there. He’s nothing without his roids.

Michael Che: Alright. Bob Baffert everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Movie Set

Trice, Amanda… Kate McKinnon

Bob… Chris Hemsworth

Rod… Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Trice looking at the rain outside the window. Bob walks to Trice and holds her.]

Trice: We can’t do this. [Cut to Trice and Bob] You have to go.

Bob: Wait, why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: No, you you can’t. I’m dying.

Bob: You’re dying?

Rod: Cut!

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Good! Good job you guys. Good. The first take, Bob and Trice.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Thank you. Thank you. So, Rod, did you have any tips for us?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: It wasn’t very good. So, how do we make it better? How can I help you get there emotionally? Oh, I know. I have a little trick that I used to tell the actors back in my youth when I was acting coach in the Jeffers-son’s.

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: The Jefferson’s.

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Rod: Yes! On the Jeffers-son’s, it was so clear where each character was acting emotionally at all times.

Bob: Well, it’s an old sitcome, right? I can’t really say that I’ve ever seen his fire. I don’t know.

Rod: Well, let me show you what I mean. [Bob stands] When you hear that she’s dying, we need to see that moment sink in. React! And then snap it shut like a coin purse. Let me show you. Trice, could you feed me your line?

Trice: Yes, sure. [acting] I’m dying.

[Cut to Bob and Rod. Rod rotates his head a couple of times.]

Rod: [yelling] Dying? Did you see what I did?

Bob: Yeah. I did. Um, I don’t get it.

Rod: Well, let me break it down for you. It’s pretty easy. She says ‘dying’. Then you tuck your chin. Move your face down and around on a count of three. And then you come up and you shake it. And then you say, “Daaaaa-yin?” Okay? Let’s try one.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take two.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: Take it from the couch… and action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob acting]

Bob: Why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: Your wife? No. It’s just that I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, tell me what’s wrong, Amanda. Let me help.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

Rod: Great! Cut!

[Rod walks in]

Oh, that was it. Did that not feel better?

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Bob: Ah! How long were you an acting coach on the Jefferson’s for?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: One day. One very long day. But this is all good. Let’s keep going. [Cut to Rod, Trice an Bob] Now, Trice, you can do this too. [Cut to Rod and Bob] When he tells you that he has a wife, that should come as very big news.

Trice: No, no. My character knows that he is married. She knew it from the beginning.

Rod: Oh, yes. But now it’s really sinking in. So, let me show you. Snap that moment shut like this. Bob, what is your cue?

[Cut to Rod, Trice and Bob]

Bob: Um, is it because of my wife?

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: [Rod makes noises] Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki! Your wife?

[Cut to Rod and Trice]

Trice: I’m not doing that.

Rod: Well, of course you will make it your own. But it’s really easy. He says ‘wife’. You let your eyes go down the drain. And then you say “phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu” three times. And then you shake your face. And then snap it shut like a pair of snap phone. Okay? Let’s try it.

[Cut to Trice, Bob and Rod. Sasheer comes in with clapboard.]

Sasheer: Love Unfair, scene 8, take three.

[Rod and Sasheer walk out]

Rod: And action!

[Cut to Trice and Bob]

Trice: We can’t do this, you have to go.

Bob: Hey, why- why are you pushing me away? Is it because of my wife?

Trice: [shaking her head] Ta-Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki. Your wife? No. It’s just that I- I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt.

Bob: Hey, wh- what’s wrong, Amanda? Let me help you.

Trice: [crying] You can’t. I’m dying.

[Bob rotates his head a couple of times.]

Bob: [yelling] Dying?

[stops acting]

This feel very weird.

[Cut to Rod]

Rod: Well, well, it doesn’t. Look it. It’s really coming together, you guys. But honestly, I think we can go a little bigger on the ‘your wife’. I think something like, “Pa-pa-tsk-tsk-ki-phrph-phu-tik-phu-phu. [yelling] Your wife?” I mean, what do you guys think?

[Cut to the set. The actors are gone.]

Wait, are they gone?

Sasheer: Yeah. Yeah.

Rod: So, they already got all of their stuff and they aren’t on the lot anymore?

Sasheer: Uh-huh.

Rod: Why?

Sasheer: They quit.

Rod: Bt-ti-ga-sh-ga-ti. [yelling] They quit? You see? It works.

[Sasheer looks impressed]

It just works.