Wrestle Mania PromoWrestle Mania Promo

Director… Kyle Mooney

Coco Watchout… Dwayne Johnson

Trashyard Mutt… Bobby Moynihan

Host… Beck Bennett

[Starts with filming of wrestling event promo]

Director: Okay. Moving on to the next promo. Let’s get our next two wrestlers in there. Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

[Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt walk in]

Trashyard Mutt: Wow! Alright! Good to see you, man. Good to see you again.

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah. Hey. Good to see you. Right back at you, brother.

Director: Hey guys, it’s a normal 30 second promo. We can start whenever you are ready.

Trashyard Mutt: Great, thanks man.

[Director leaves]

Hey, fair warning. I might get a little harsh with some of the stuff I say. Its just kind of my thing. So…

Coco Watchout: Oh, yeah, yeah. Completely understood, man. Well, let’s have a good one. And oh, give me all you got.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, great.

Director: Okay, set?

[Host walks in behind them]

And, action.

Host: I’m here with our main event competitors. Director and Coco Watchout. and it doesn’t get much uglier than a rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right, Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: You’re darn right. And when I get my paws on him, it’s gonna be dinner time for old Mutt. And it looks like tonight’s main coarse is a big heaping sticky pile of loser. [barking]

Host: What do you have to say to that, Coco?

Coco Watchout: Well, let me tell you something about this guy. He’s shooting blanks. He has been trying to get his wife pregnant for two years. And he cannot get it done. And it is putting a lot of stress on their marriage.

Trashyard Mutt:Yeah. [pauses] Well, I’m gonna put some stress on you in that ring. I’mma mess you up!

Coco Watchout: I’ll tell you what’s messed up. This guy’s sperm. They don’t have tails. They’re just little heads. The doctor said that he has never seen that before. And the only bun this guy is putting in the oven is a cinnabon because he’s not fertile.

Host: Well, you’re here, heard it here first. Trashyard Mutt is sterile and it all gets settled this Sunday at Wrestle Mania.

Director: And cut.

Coco Watchout: Oh, that was good. Right? Would you go with that one?

Trashyard Mutt: No. Not really, man! I told you that in private. Okay? Maybe we could talk more about like, wrestling stuff, okay? And like, less emotional stuff.

Coco Watchout: Okay. Wrestling stuff.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah.

Coco Watchout: Cool, cool, cool. Okay. Hey, great note.

Director: Alright, promo take two. And action!

Host: I’m here with Director and Coco Watchout. And it doesn’t get much uglier than the rivalry between these two. Isn’t that right Mutt?

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, yeah! And lord help him when I come flying down from that top rope with my double doggie drop. [barking]

Coco Watchout: Actually, Mutt, you’re not flying anywhere coz you’re on the no-fly list. Because the last time you flew, you took a dump so bad they had to turn the plane around. They heard the noise and thought it was a bomb. An 80 year old woman fell into a coma and she still hasn’t woken up. At one point, you tried to blame it on a soldier returning home from Afghanistan.

Trashyard Mutt: Urgh! How did you know about that?

Coco Watchout: I know everything about you Mutt because I hacked into your laptop. And I’ve been watching you. That’s how I found out what a big Katy Perry fan you really are.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, no!

Coco Watchout: Roll the tape.

[Cut to a webcam video where Trashyard Mutt is wearing a wig, bra and is stripping.] [Cut to Coco Watchout, Trashyard Mutt and Host]

Trashyard Mutt: That was– That was long time ago.

Coco Watchout: It was yesterday! And that’s what Coco is cooking. Whoo!

Director: Cut! Cut! Um, felt good to me. You guys happy?

Coco Watchout: Yeah.

Trashyard Mutt: No! No! I’m unhappy.

Coco Watchout: But you said I should just go after you.

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, well, don’t, okay? Just keep it generic stuff, okay? Like I’ll be crying for my mama or something silly.

Coco Watchout: Okay, okay. Yes. Sure. Cry for you mama. Okay, cool. Hey, again, great note.

Trashyard Mutt: Thanks.

Director: Take three, and action.

Host: I’m here with Coco Watchout and Trashyard Mutt.

Coco Watchout: And when I get through with this guy, he’ll be crying for his mama. Or at least, for the woman who he thinks is his mama.

[Trashyard Mutt is angry and walks around to calm himself down]

Because he doesn’t know he’s adopted!

Trashyard Mutt: Why are you doing this, Steve?

Coco Watchout: See, your birth mother was part of a government experiment to produce the perfect child. To the surprise of the scientist, the embryo split and twins were born. You and me. That’s right, Mutt. We’re twins. And you’re the defeato.

Trashyard Mutt: What? We’ve been wrestling together for years. Why wouldn’t you tell me?

Coco Watchout: I was saving it for this promo. And I asked mom if she wants to meet you and she said, “No, I’m good.”

Trashyard Mutt: What is happening?

Coco Watchout: And that’s not all. You know how your wife said she was going to meet her friend for lunch week?

Trashyard Mutt: Yeah, I know.

Coco Watchout: Well, she actually went to the fertility clinic. And guess what, not only is she pregnant, but you’ll never believe who the sperm donor is.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, boy.

Coco Watchout: Uncle Coco! Your unborn baby is both my nephew and my son. And you had no idea.

Trashyard Mutt: Oh, my god! I’m gonna be sick.

[Trashyard Mutt runs out]

Coco Watchout: And that’s what the Coco is cooking.

World’s Most Evil Invention

Bobby Moynihan

Dr. Microknox… Kyle Mooney

Baroness Antarctica… Sasheer Zamata

Roy… Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: Order, order, my colleagues and calamity. I hereby call to order the meeting of the international mad scientists society. As you know, it is time for the mad scientists society’s annual most evil invention in the world contest.

All: Hear, hear, evil!

Bobby: Yes. Esteemed evil doers. You have had all year to work in your secret laboratories on an evil invention that will shock the entire world with it’s dastardly design. Who is first?

[Dr. Microknox walks forward with a gun that looks futuristic]

Dr. Microknox: [Laughing] I am Dr. Microknox. And the most evil invention in the world is my shrink ray.

All: Ooh!

Dr. Microknox: It can reduce a monument to the size of a toy. I will have the eiffel tower on my key chain and Mt. Rushmore as a paper weight.

Bobby: [evil laughter] Very evil, Dr. Microknox. I guess bad things do come in small packages. [evil laughter] Who is next?

[Baroness Antarctica walks forward with her gun]

Baroness Antarctica: I am Baroness Antarctica. My entry for world’s most evil invention is the freeze ray.

All: Ooh!

Baroness Antarctica: I shall incase all the world’s most famous monuments in solid ice.

Bobby: [evil laughter] How chillingly evil. Okay, who is next?

[Roy walks in with a tin robot]

Roy: Hey. Hi, guys. My name is Roy. And for the most evil invention in the world contest, I invented a child molesting robot.

[All scientists are confused]

Bobby: I beg your pardon. What?

Roy: Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll speak up. It’s a robot that’s designed to molest children. And I call it Robochomo. You see, it’s powered by solar rechargeable fuel cells, cost pennies to manufacture and it can theoretically most twice as many children as a human molester in quite frankly half the time. So, um, do I win the contest? Seems like I win.

Baroness Antarctica: Oh, my god!

Roy: What’s wrong?

Baroness Antarctica: What’s wrong? My most evil idea was blizzard in July.

Roy: Right. Well, I went in a slightly different direction with the assignment.

Dr. Microknox: You built a mechanical sex predator.

Roy: Yes. Yes. yes. That’s exactly right. This guy gets it. You get it.

Dr. Microknox: Oh my god! No, I don’t!

Beck: How do you even build a child molesting robot?

Roy: Well, that’s a great question. What you do is you start by building a regular robot. Then you molest and hope it continues the cycle.

Beck: Dear lord almighty!

Dr. Microknox: That’s the most hideous thing I have heard in my life.

Roy: Oh, well. Thank you very much. You see, the shrink guy is with me all the way.

Dr. Microknox: Stop saying that.

Roy: You know, I want to remind you guys that in Webster’s dictionary, it defines evil as profoundly immoral.

Baroness Antarctica: We know what evil means.

Roy: Well, it doesn’t seem like you do because you built a freeze ray. I mean, Benito Mussolini used to force feed people castor oil until they literally died of diarrhea. I mean, that’s got to be there the goal posts are, right? Am I crazy or–?

Beck: I think someone should call the police.

Roy: Okay. Okay. Well, I think we all are getting hangry right now. Let’s break for lunch. I’ll buy you all a sandwich at the restaurant across the street.

Bobby: Get our of here now!

Roy: let’s just talk it over at the restaurant across the street with the medieval decor and the little miniature beef sandwiches.

Dr. Microknox: It’s a White Castle man! Just say White Castle. Who the hell calls White Castle a sandwich restaurant?

Roy: Okay. Well, you guys are mad. I’m sorry. I just wanted to win the contest. I guess I screwed up.

Bobby: No, Roy. You have nothing to apologize for. Yes, you made a robot that molests children. But you also made an important point here today. Things are always better with juicy beef and onion sandwiches from White Castle, America’s medieval sandwich restaurant.

[Cut to White Castle video bumper]

Male voice: White Castle, we’ll serve anybody!

Wingman

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Dwayne Johnson

Carlos… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Dwayne sitting at a bar.]

Bartender: Hey, another round, boss?

Dwayne: Um, yeah, I guess I could do one more.

Bartender: You’ve got it.

Dwayne: Thank you.

[Dwayne is looking at a girl at the next table]

Bartender: Looks like she’s alone. You should go talk to her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa! No no, no, no, no. No way, Jose. I can’t.

Bartender: Why? You married or something?

Dwayne: No, I’m just not good at approaching women. I get so nervous. I always mess it up. I men, my gosh. She’s beautiful, though.

Bartender: I’ll tell you what, I’m the perfect wingman. I’ll go over there and put in a good word for you.

Dwayne: Oh, no man! It’s okay. That’s too embarrassing.

Bartender: Come on! Come on!

Dwayne: No, no, no.

Bartender: Trust me. I got this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Good news, my friend.

Dwayne: What did she say?

Bartender: She’s into it. Yeah. She wants to have a threesome with us.

Dwayne: Hey! Wait, what?

Bartender: I made it happen. She’s into the threesome idea.

Dwayne: Wait, wait. What threesome idea? I don’t even know you.

Bartender: Oh! You don’t know her either. What’s the difference? She wants to hook up.

Dwayne: Okay. Well, tell her I want to hook up with her, but not a threesome.

Bartender: Alright! Alright! Okay. I’ll see what she says.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Alright, all cleared up. She’s willing to have sex with us one at a time, but says I get to go first.

Dwayne: What? Why do you keep putting yourself into this?

Bartender: Dude, I’m trying to wing you, man. You said you’re bad with women.

Dwayne: Okay, okay. Look, no offense but I’m only interested if she’s just her and me, not you.

Bartender: Uh, are you sure? That might piss her off.

Dwayne: Yeah, I’m sure. I’m positive.

Bartender: Okay. Your funeral.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again. It seems like the girl actually likes it better.] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: She’s not into it, man.

Dwayne: Really? Well, she was nodding a lot.

Bartender: Yeah, she said it has to be a threesome or one at a time with me going first and then again right after you.

Dwayne: What? No! No!

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Okay. Let’s see who else is in here.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Just forget it. Go away. No. No.

Bartender: Come on. Dude, hang on. I’m the wingman. I want to hook you up. [another girl walks in to the bar] Whoa, whoa, hang on. The redhead over there. She’s definitely into you.

[the girl is looking at Dwayne and smiling]

Dwayne: She is so hot.

Bartender: Say no more. I’ll go over and ask if she wants to do a threesome.

Dwayne: No, no. I don’t want a threesome.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. No threesomes.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Dwayne: What happened?

Bartender: She said she would only sleep with you if her girlfriend could join in too. But I told her you don’t do threesomes.

Dwayne: No, wait! No! No! Dude, go back there and tell them yes.

Bartender: Oh, so now you’re into it?

Dwayne: Yes, I’m into it! It’s two girls. Of course I’m into it.

Bartender: Okay. Okay. Let me wing this.

[Bartender walks to the girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay. She said she’ll have a fivesome with us.

Dwayne: What? What’s a fivesome?

Bartender: You know. A five some. You and me, her and her girl and Carlos.

Dwayne: Who is Carlos?

[Carlos is standing behind Dwayne]

Carlos: Hey!

Dwayne: No, dude. No. Just forget it. Forget about it.

Bartender: Come on. I feel bad. I messed up. Give me one more shot.

[Bartender walks to another girl and they whisper to each other again] [Bartender walks back to Dwayne]

Bartender: Okay, she’s into it.

Dwayne: Hey, just me and her?

Bartender: No, her and him.

Carlos: Hey!

Bartender: Yeah. You know, what can I say? Wingman strikes again. Ha-ha!

Weekend Update Drunk Uncle

Colin Jost

Drunk uncle… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it has been a wild year here. And here with his thoughts on the past year and the years ahead is drunk uncle.

[Drunk Uncle slides in] [cheers and applause]

Drunk Uncle: Woo-hoo-hoo. Hello! Season 42, baby! Make America drunk again! Wheee! What’s up, Colin? Come on, man! Pound it out.

[gives his fist to pound]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Whites!

Colin Jost: Wait! No, that’s not–

Drunk Uncle: Down south? [gives his hand to tap]

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Send the black there.

Colin Jost: No, that’s not– So drunk uncle, how have you been?

Drunk Uncle: How have I been? Amazing! Baby! President Trump! Finally, a white guy has a chance to make America great again. You know? Because Trumpy, oh, that little Trumpy, he’s putting America back to worm again, Colin. You know? Um, these kids today, they don’t even have summer jobs anymore. You know? When I was twelve years old, I was life guard, waiter, book store/zoo keeper, exterminator, mall Santa.’

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You said you were a mall Santa in the summer?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: What? I mean I asked people to sit on my lap. So, kind of. You know? And all these kids these days, all they care about is, “Can you Venmo me a face app?” “Excuse me! Is this pomegranate gender fluid?” Bleh! Here’s an Instagram story, go to church!

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle! This is–

Drunk Uncle: [yelling] Yeah! I thought La-La-Land should have won. Why is everybody so sensitive now-a-days? [Cut to Drunk Uncle] You can’t even call it Nintendo Switch anymore. You gotta call her Katelyn.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle!

Drunk Uncle: Are these– We have the meats–

Colin Jost: What?

[Cut to Drunk Uncle] [Drunk Uncle starts revolving on the chair]

Drunk Uncle: Fidget spinner. Fidget spinner. Fidget spinner. [laughing] You know, one time, I asked a fidget to spin and she said the correct term is little person. Ghostbusters should be men!

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. Drunk uncle–

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: [singing] Never gonna give you up
never gonna let you down
never gonna [singing gibberish]

[Drunk Uncle starts crying] [Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, no. Drunk uncle.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle]

Drunk Uncle: So I’m not Baywatch beach body, okay? So I am not Groot, okay? So I’m not a Fast a Furious, okay? Vroom! Vroom! That’s not me.

[Cut to Drunk Uncle and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: It’s not anyone.

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle!

Drunk Uncle: Shh! [Drunk Uncle is poking Colin Jost’s mouth]

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes, it’s in there. Yes. Fully in my mouth.

Drunk Uncle: You’re my best friend.

Colin Jost: Oh. That’s insane. Best friend?

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Hey.

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Drunk Uncle: Do a shot with me. Do a shot with me.

Colin Jost: Do  as hot with you?

Drunk Uncle: Come on! One for the road, please? Just do one shot.

Colin Jost: But I can’t. I’m here–

Drunk Uncle: Do one shot with me, right? Come on! [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: Okay.

Drunk Uncle: Okay?

Colin Jost: Alright? For you, I’ll do one shot.

Drunk Uncle: Okay, you first. [Drunk Uncle pulls out a gun] There’s one empty chamber and five bullets.

Colin Jost: Drunk uncle, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

RKO Movie Set

Howard… Beck Bennett

Janet Charmpagne… Banessa Bayer

Brock Tenderson… Dwayne Johnson

Operator… Mikey Day

Sound Guy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with some actors getting ready for filming in RKO Studios, 1948.]

Howard: Everyone, quiet on set. Alright, our stars have arrived. And we’re ready to shoot this thing. We are very lucky to have two of today’s biggest talents, Hollywood icon Janet Charmpagne and up-and-comer Brock Tenderson

Brock Tenderson: Ah, thank you, Howard. I’m very excited.

Janet Charmpagne: Yes, Howard. Thank you. What a treat. I missed RKO pictures almost as mush as I miss the three-bean salad in the commissary.

Howard: Hmm, alrighty! We’re starting with scene eight, everyone. Let’s go.

Brock Tenderson: You know, Janet, before we begin, I just wanna tell you that, um, to work with you is a dream for me.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, please. Treat me like a normal woman you would meet on the street. Deal?

Brock Tenderson: Deal.

Howard: Alright. Let’s try one.

[Operator walks in with a clapperboard]

Operator: ‘Murder by numbers.’ Scene eight. Take on.

Howard: And, action.

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson are acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband’s trying to kill me.

Brock Tenderson: Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep.

Janet Charmpagne: No. You don’t understand. He wants me dead. Please. I don’t know who he is anymore. Please, just let me stay here with you. [Janet Charmpagne farts] Um, I’m sorry. I think I need to cut. I made a mistake.

Howard: Um, what was that, Janet?

Brock Tenderson: Um, I think she would like to cut.

Janet Charmpagne: Because I made a mistake. Did sound hear it? The mistake I made?

[The sound guy is nodding his head yes]

Let’s do it again. I am so sorry.

Brock Tenderson: Oh, well. I’m so thrilled to be here with you in this scene.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, good attitude. How wonderful is this man? This is going to be a good movie. Let’s do another one.

Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight.

Howard: And action!

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? [farts] My husband is trying to kill me. [farts] [walks to Janet Charmpagne] [whispering] Okay, just say your line.

Brock Tenderson: Okay. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being comple– [Janet Charmpagne farts] completely hysterical. Go home to your husband and get some sleep. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Janet Charmpagne: I’m going to stop because I think I did too many mistakes in a row. I’m so sorry.

Brock Tenderson: You know, don’t say another word. I’m just happy to be here, breathing the same air as the Janet Charmpagne.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh! You’re sweet.

Howard: Are you ready to try again?

Janet Charmpagne: We are. And good news, I don’t think there will be any more mistakes. I think I’m out of them.

Brock Tenderson: Ah! Well, if that’s the case, I think this is going to be the one. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Janet Charmpagne: You’re a very classy man.

Brock Tenderson: And you are a one of a kind, shining star.

Janet Charmpagne: Then let’s make history. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight, take three.

Howard: And action.

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband is trying to kill me. [whispering] I’m doing it.

Brock Tenderson: Thanks. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep! [whispering] Oh my god! Well done.

Janet Charmpagne: I know. I’m controlling it. Please, I don’t know who he is anymore. Just let me stay here with you. Just or tonight. [Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson kiss]

Sound guy: Yep, no farts at all.

Howard: This is great.

Brock Tenderson: This is a start of something very dangerous.

Janet Charmpagne: [laughing] You’re telling me. [as Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson hug each other, Janet Charmpagne farts very long]

Howard: Cut!

Brock Tenderson: I’m sorry, Howard. That was me. That was my brand.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop it Brock. Taking the fall for my long mistake.

Brock Tenderson: Hey, as long as you’re a star, you make them as long as you want.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop being so marvelous all the time. Where did we find him? Are there more– [Janet Charmpagne farts] of him?

Sound guy: Are we on break? Because I could really use a cigarette.

[Sound guy pulls out a cigarette and a lighter. He’s about to light the cigarette]

Howard: Richie, no! Don’t!

[When the sound guy lights the fire, the studio explodes by the fart gas]

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro] [music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]

Millwood High School

Dwayne Johnson

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Dwayne speaking at the podium. There are four students around him]

Dwayne: Alright, seniors. Well, give it up again for the recipients of the Eugene Dwalf Scholarship. Now, each and every single one of you will receive $25 towards your college tuition.

[the students leave]

Now, for the fun part, as you know some of your senior class mates have put together an amazing skit performance looking back on this incredible year.

[four seniors walk in]

Beck: Man! Four years? I still can’t believe we’re seniors.

Kyle: Yeah. This has been one crazy ride.

Bobby: But now, it’s coming to an end.

Vanessa: Yeah. And I actually heard some special guests were gonna be stopping by to celebrate the–

All: Class of 2017.

[music playing] [They all dab] [Bobby wears a Deadpool mask]

Bobby: Ola, it’s me Deadpool. Congrats. It’s time to make the chimi-changas!

Beck: I’ll take the Deadpool chimi-changas over the roast beef in the cafeteria.

[The juniors are laughing hard, while the cafeteria cook is looking at them angrily] [now, they have bicycle handles. They are impersonating the Stranger Things.]

Kyle: Something isn’t right. Are we in the upside down?

Vanessa: No, we’re graduating, bro.

Bobby: Man, that’s a stranger things.

[Beck is eating cookies]

Kyle, Vanessa nd Bobby: Eleven!

Beck: No, it’s just two. [showing two cookies.]

Dwayne: [laughing] Oh, my god! That was Stranger Things. I mean, god! I’m gonna miss you crazy fools. Once you graduate, I guess we could start hanging out. Yeah!

[Now, Kyle has a wig on]

Beck: And the Oscar for the most amazing senior class goes to…

Kyle: La-La-Land.

[Vanessa runs in and gives Beck a piece of paper]

Bobby: Oh, no! I’m Jimmy Kimmel. There has been a mistake. It’s actually…

All: All the Millwood seniors.

Beck: Man! That was a huge mistake. Just like ordering the roast beef at the cafeteria.

[The juniors are laughing hard, while the cafeteria cook is looking at them angrily]

Pete: [to cook] Ha-ha-ha. Your roast beef sucks.

Dwayne: Ha-ha. It’s crazy coz it is bad beef. Alright, it’s an amazing observation, guys. I can’t believe it’s just three years before we can all drink together. Oh, it’s gonna be great. Okay, shut up. Shut up. Yeah, coz there’s more. There’s more.

[now Kyle had horns, Beck is wearing a yellow female dress, Bobby is carrying a rose and Vanessa is holing candles]

Kyle: Oh, no. The last petal from the Beauty and the Beast rose has almost fallen.

Vanessa: I guess we won’t turn into college students.

Beck: Unless…

All: [singing] Seniors always rule
all the juniors drool
class of
17

Enhancement Drug

Dwayne Johnson

Doctor… Kyle Mooney

Friend… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a group of people working at the construction site.]

Dwayne: You know, when I hit 50, my body went through a big change and not for the better. Severe erectile dysfunction shattered my confidence, sent me into depression and almost ruined my marriage. And believe me, I tried everything. But then a friend told me about Xentres. So I tried it and I worked.

Female voice: Xentres is the strongest male-enhancement drug on the market. It increases blood flow, boosts testosterone and ends erectile dysfunction instantly.

Dwayne: So I asked my doctor about Xentrex, and he said, “Xentrex? What the hell is Xentrex?” And I said, “Xentrex! It’s the strongest male-enhancement drug in the world and it works.” And he said he never heard of it. So, I pulled up the website and showed it to him. He started laughing. He said, “Are you insane, man? You can’t put that junk in your body. It’ll kill you. Your heart will stop. Rhino horn? Ammonium hydroxide? That’s what in meth, right?”

Female voice: Xentres is made strong enough to work on the most extreme cases of erectile dysfunction, and fast!

Dwayne: My doctor asked me, “Where did you hear about that [bleep]?” And I tole him, “A friend.” And he said, “Well, what’s his name?” And I said, “Well, I don’t really know him actually.” And he says, “But you just said he’s your friend.” So I told my doctor, “Look. Let’s forget about him and just write me a scrip for Xentrex and I’ll be on my way.” My doctor said, “Are you deaf, man? No! I could lose my license. You could die.” I said, “Yeah, I still want it though. So give it to me. Write the prescription.” I wasn’t leaving. So he says, “I think that website just froze my computer.” So I grabbed him a little. And he goes, “YOu’re hurting me, sir.” Hah! Xentrex works.

[Dwayne starts beating up the doctor]

Female voice: Side effects of Xentrex include fits of rage, acne, bleeding, baldness, blindness, whooping cough, hallucinations, coma, trouble swallowing, decrease in semen, increase in semen, nasal sores, constipation, vomiting, night terrors, amnesia and suicidal urges.

Dwayne: And those are just the side effects they tell you about. [Dwayne’s nose is bleeding] I get sweats. My bones are cold. My teeth are loose. My heart gets really, really hot. I could read minds and sometimes, I wake up driving a stolen car. But my erections are fantastic. When I wear gray sweat pants, people cross the street. Which is fine. Xentrex gave me my life back. Hail satan.

Female voice: So, threaten your doctor or ask your ketamine guy about South African Xentrex today.

Dwayne: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. It works.

Sean Spicer Returns (Melissa McCarthy)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glenn… Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: We now join the White House press briefing where Sarah Huckabee Sanders is filling in for Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders walking to the podium]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good morning, guys. It’s an honor to be here today. And for those of you who don’t know me, my father is Mike Huckabee and my mother is a big souther hamburger. Okay? And yes, obviously, I”m hilarious like my daddy. Now, I am filling in for Sean today. As you know, Sean is fulfilling his duty as an officer in the Naval reserve and that is why he cannot be here today.

Cecily: I’m pretty sure I can see him hiding in those bushes.

[Sean Spicer is looking inside through the window from behind the bushes]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: I believe that’s a naval exercise. He’s trying to blend in with his surroundings, okay? Are there any more questions?

Sasheer: Yeah. I have a question. Can you just do this full time instead of him?

Mikey: Yeah. I’d also like to ask that question because you are clearly articulate and charming. Where as Sean is bullish–

[Sean Spicer walks in and uses fire extinguisher on Mikey]

Sean Spicer: You know why I had to put your pants out? Coz you’re bone chugged liar in there. That pant’s lying. [walks to the podium and pushing Sarah Huckabee Sanders away] Now, move. Move. When you lie all the time, your pants get on fire. Liar, liar, pants on fire. So, I put him out. That’s right. Spicy’s back. Sarah’s out. Booya! Let’s do this. First question, Michelin man. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Glenn.

Glenn: Yes. People are saying that based on president Trump’s tweets that he is unhinged. Would you agree?

Sean Spicer: Oh, my god, Glenn. Do I come to your job and slap those seven or eight hot dogs out of your mouth? Huh? You’re really gonna ask me that? This is offensive. If he is crazy, he is crazy like a fox with mental problems. Okay? Next question.

Glenn: Yes, I have a follow-up. Isn’t it true that president Trump only fired James Comey to stop the FBI’s investigation with him?

Sean Spicer: Shut up, Glenn.

Glenn: I think the American people deserve to know.

Sean Spicer: [mocking] Oh, do they, Glenn? [gibberish] You stink!

Glenn: Come on! I don’t stink.

Sean Spicer: You stink bad!

Glenn: I don’t stink. [Glenn sits down]

Sean Spicer: Alright, let me just put this whole Russian thing to bed once and for all. Trump is innocent. How do we know? Because he told us so. Period! Then he hired lawyers to agree with him. And they’re going to prove it with a certified letter, which you know is the truth because it costs and extra $2 to certify. Now, I got a tracking number right here. You wanna check it out. It goes 8554611856– son of a– Alright, wait, that’s my bank routing number. No one use that. No one use it. You can’t take money out of it. If you wanna put money in, go ahead. Alright, next question.

Sasheer: Sean, you must know this Russia thing looks really bad.

Sean Spicer: Oh my god! There is no Russian thing. The only Russian thing here is my little dollies. Bring them out.

[Sean Spicer walks to the table beside the podium. There’s a box.]

For you people. Okay, here’s the deal. See if you can follow. Okay, first of all, here’s Trump. [pulls out a pot with Donald Trump printed on it.] Okay? He’s the biggest one and he’s the most beautiful. When he was not happy with the performance of the FBI director, this guy, Comey. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a dog’s picture] Because Comey was not being nice to our friend, boom, Hillary Clinton. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with Maleficent’s picture] Okay? This dude,[he shows a pot with another picture, but then hides it.] wait! Son of a– Okay, that’s not– Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him. If you did this Glenn, I swear to god I’ll rip you to shreds. So, what actually happened is Trump conferred with his good, good friend, there you go, Steve Bannon. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a cartoon green slug picture] And the decision to fire Comey was even confirmed by Trump’s tiniest little buddy, come on out you little buddy, Jeff Sessions. [Sean Spicer shows a small pot with Pikachu’s picture] There we go. Jeff Sessions. So, next question.

[Sean Spicer walks to the podium]

Vanessa: Yeah. Were you surprised that he fired Comey before he fired you?

Sean Spicer: Oh, god!

[Sean Spicer walks to a pole, carried the whole pole and throws it over the press members]

Does that answer your question? I honestly hope to god it killed her.

Cecily: Sean. Sean, just be straight with us for once. What’s really going on?

Sean Spicer: I am being straight with you. I’m telling you exactly what president Trump told me.

Glenn: Um, but what if he’s lying to you?

Sean Spicer: He– But he wouldn’t do that. He’s my friend.

Sasheer: If he’s your friend, why does he make you come out here and humiliate yourself everyday?

Sean Spicer: He doesn’t make me. I like it. I– I get off on it.

Mikey: If he’s your friend, why is everyone saying he is about to fire you and replace you with Sarah.

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in eating an apple]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, bless your heart. This is the first time I’m hearing of that.

[Sean Spicer pushes Sarah Huckabee Sanders away]

Sean Spicer: Get out. Get out. I gotta find Trump. I’m going to New York. [Sean Spicer’s podium is moving like it’s a car] The press interview is over!

[song playing] [Cut to Sean Spicer traveling on streets on the same podium]

Sean Spicer: [road rage] Common! I need to find Trump! [sobbing] I promise I’ll talk better. I can’t go back to the Navy. I can’t swim.

[Sean Spicer sees a gum on the street. He picks it up and puts it in his mouth.] [Sean Spicer reaches Trump Tower] [to the Trump Tower guard] I wanna talk to President Trump. Now!

Guard: He doesn’t come here anymore.

Sean Spicer: Well, then where is he?

[Cut to a golf course in New Jersey] [Sean Spicer finds Donald Trump

Sean Spicer: Mr. Trump. I need to talk to you. have you ever told me to say things that aren’t true?

Donald Trump: Only since you started working here.

Sean Spicer: I don’t think I can do this anymore, Mr. President. They are saying you are going to replace me with Sarah.

Donald Trump: Sean, come on. I would never do that. She doesn’t have you special spice, salt and pepper [tickling Sean Spicer’s hair] and a little bit of sugar. [tickling Sean Spicer’s belly]

Sean Spicer: No! Mr. President, stop.

Donald Trump: You like it when I do that, Sean?

Sean Spicer: No, it just tickles a little.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump tickles a little more]

Sean Spicer: No! I’m married.

Donald Trump: Sean, kiss me.

Sean Spicer: I can’t. I have a wife. I took vows.

Donald Trump: No, I’m famous. It’s okay.

Sean Spicer: No, wait. Is this like the Godfather when you kiss me and no one ever sees me again?

Donald Trump: Yes.

[Sean Spicer and Donald Trump start kissing]

Game Show

Kurt Burton… Mikey Day

Don… Kate McKinnon

Todd… Bobby Moynihan

Marcie… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with three contestants ready to play a TV game show]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s sweetest game show. ‘Just Desserts!’ And here’s your host, Kurt Burton.

[Kurt Burton walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kurt Burton: Ho-ho! Alright! Welcome to ‘Just Desserts.’ I’m your host, Kurt Burton. And today, three lucky contestants will be battling head to head to take the cake worth a yummy $50,000. Don, Todd and Marcie, one of you will be walking away winner.

Marcie: Whoo!

Kurt Burton: Ha-ha. marcie is excited. Now, you know how it works. We spin the board and you tell us when to stop. Land on a cash stack, and you’re richer than chocolate mousse. Or, land on a pie or cake, and you’ll be in a very sticky situation. Marcie, you won the coin toss back stage. So, you will start ups up by spinning that board.

Marcie: Okay, baby! Come on, cash stacks. Mama wants big old cash stack. No pies. No pies. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Oh, that’s pie.

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

A pie on the first pick.

Marcie: Is there a towel?

Kurt Burton: No, there is not. Todd, you’re up.

Todd: Cash, no pies. Come on! Cash, no pies. And stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh, 500 bucks and a pass a pie to the left. Marcie, you get pied.

Marcie: Wait! Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, you’re up.

Don: Ooh! Me want the cash stacks. I don’t want pies or cakes. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Ooh! $5,000 big ones, plus a take a cake. Take a cakes go to the right, so Marcie, happy birthday.

Marcie: Wait, what do you mean?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: And Don, choose your topic.

Don: Everybody loves sprinkles.

[A confetti is blasted on Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Alright. And finally, let’s blow out those candles.

[a blower is used on Marcie’s face]

Marcie: Ah! Ah! Ooh! Argh!

Kurt Burton: Alright. Marcie, you’re up.

Marcie: I can’t! I don’t see anything.

Kurt Burton: Marcie, just tell us when to stop.
Marcie: Stop.

Kurt Burton: Okay, Marcie, you did run out of time. And that means you get an out of time pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Whow! What a yummy first round. Let’s meet our players. Don Hamill, a dentist from Tacoma. Todd Spratt, a graphic designer from Cleveland. And Marcie Hill, a stay at home mother of none from Orlando. Marcie had a little trouble that round, huh?

Marcie: I did. I did. Yeah.

Kurt Burton: What do you think tripped you up?

Marcie: Um, I have to say the pies! I couldn’t see, hear and for most part, could not breathe out of either of these. Yeah, the pies got me. Ha-ha.

Kurt Burton: Yeah. The pies got you. Well, remember Marcie, it will cost you a turn and 100 big ones, but you can always ask for a clean up.

Marcie: Right. You know what? I completely forgot about the option because of the pie.

Kurt Burton: Well, let’s hope in round two it’s all cash stacks and no messy treats. And remember, this round prize and pie amounts are double dipped. Don, you are in lead with 5,000 big ones. Todd’s in the second with 500. And Marcie, you’re in third with zero big ones which means you get a zero pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, start us off.

Don: Okay, cash stacks me want some, pies and cakes me don’t! Stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh! Pie!

Don: I’ll buy the pie.

Kurt Burton: Don, that’s your pie to pass. You can say the–

Don: Kurt, I’m gonna pass that pie to Marcie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.] Oh!

Kurt Burton: And, since this round is double dipped, that’s two for you.

Marcie: What? [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Might be a good time for a wife off, Marcie.

Marcie: Oh, yes. Clean up.

Kurt Burton: Alright. Here it comes.

[two pipes are spraying water to Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Marcie, you chose clean up. That means you will lose your next turn.

Marcie: Oh, wait. It’s probably for the best.

Kurt Burton: It’s also going to cost you 100 big ones, but since your bank is empty, you pay in pie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Looks like we gotta take a break. Coming up, bigger stacks of cash and thicker, denser pies.

Marcie: Oh, god! No! No! Not with crust. Now with crust.

Kurt Burton: Only on, ‘Just Desserts!’