Abilify for Candidates

Karan Santorum… Cecily Strong

Rick Santorum… Taran Killam

Janet Huckabee… Kate McKinnon

Mike Huckabee… Bobby Moynihan

Roxane Gilmore… Miley Cyrus

Jim Gilmore… Beck Bennett

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a couple walking in a rain under umbrella.]

Karan: Mental illness doesn’t run in our family. So, I never thought it could happen to someone I love. But then my husband started getting confused. [Cut to Karan telling the story] He’d say things that just didn’t make any sense. Things like…

[Cut to Rick Santorum giving speech. Karan is standing beside Rick Santorum]

Rick Santorum: And come next November, I Rick Santorum will be president of the United States.

[Cut to Karan Santorum acting nervous]

Karan: And he believed this. [Cut to Karan telling the story] That’s when I knew, he had dementia.

[Cut to Mike and Janet Huckabee enjoying their time.]

Janet Huckabee: My husband Mike Huckabee is to be my rock. And then one night last month, he got up in the middle of the night, start packing suit case. He wasn’t making any sense. He was muttering, “Kim’s in jail and I gotta get her out of jail. [Cut to Janet telling the story] And I’m gonna be in jail. And that’s gonna make me a president.” He didn’t even know what year it was or how the world worked.

[Cut to Jim and Roxane Gilmore enjoying their time.]

Roxane Gilmore: My husband Jim Gilmore is the love of my life. [Cut to Roxane telling the story] But lately he’s been having these episodes.

[Jim walks in]

Jim Gilmore: Honey, the Gallup poll has me up for 1.2 % in Iowa. White House, here wecome.

Roxane Gilmore: Yay! I cannot wait to be first lady.

[Jim leaves and Roxane looks at the camera]

Do you see? He is sick and he needs help.

[Cut to a doctor]

Doctor: Well, now there is help. Introducing  Abilify, for people who think they can be president. Once taken, Abilify destroys the damaged part of the brain that says, “I’ma be president.”

[Cut to Karan Santorum and Rick Santorum. Rick takes the pill after giving speech, then realizes what was happening.]

Leading to an almost immediate return to reality.

[Cut to Mike Huckabee taking pill during the live news, then leaving immediately]

It’s the only dementia medication prescribed for 11 specific people.

[Cut to Karan Santorum and Rick Santorum]

Rick Santorum: Before Abilify, I would go on national TV and say, “Here is how I would eradicate ISIS. [laughing] Me! It’s like, what?”

[Cut to Roxane Gilmore and Jim]

Jim Gilmore: Today in the news, they said Jim Gilmore dropped out of the race. And I thought, “Who’s Jim Gilmore?” Then I realized it was me. I was running for president. [laughing] [Cut to Janet and Mike Huckabee]

Mike Huckabee: One time during a debate, I cut Donald Trump off and I said, “No, you listen!” What was I thinking? That’s our future president!

Doctor: So ask your doctor about Abilify today, Bobby Jindal. Because not everyone, can be president.

Mike, Jim and Rick: And now we know. [laughing]

50s Homecoming Dance

Ditt Mayer… Bobby Moynihan

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Kyle Mooney

Lindy Paderson… Kate McKinnon

Vena Gaditchy… Cecily Strong

Lily Gilford… Miley Cyrus

Nasty Jack… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a board that says, “Homecoming dance tonight”.] [Cut to the homecoming party. People are dancing.]

Ditt Mayer: Hey, you guys wanna go drop cherry bombs in the toilets?

Taran: Hey, buzz off, Ditt Mayer!

Ditt Mayer: Ah! Your loss!

[Ditt leaves]

Jon: Wow, fellas! Look at all these girls, man!

Kyle: Get a load of Lindy Paderson.

[Cut to Lindy Paderson standing alone and smiling] [Cut to the boys]

Wow!

Taran: Now, look at Vena Gaditchy.

[Cut to Vena Gaditchy standing with her friends] [Cut to the boys]

She’s so bad. Uh-huh!

Jon: I got my people set on the new girl. Lily Gilford.

[Cut to Lily Gilford smiling] [Cut to the boys]

Oh! She’s out of this world.

Kyle: Well, gentlemen, what are we waiting for?

[Cut to everybody] [happy music playing] [singing] I need a girl who aces her classes

[Cut to Lindy coming in dancing]

Lindy: I need a guy, who would love my glasses

[Kyle and Lindy dance together]

Kyle: We both wear specs so it’s easy to see

Kyle and Lindy: That you’re the one for me.

[Kyle and Lindy dance away and Taran steps in]

Taran: I need a girl who feels good being bad

[Vena walk in singing]

Vena: You got a like. Shh! Don’t tell my dad.

Taran: Your pops won’t know about half the stuff we do

Taran and Vena: Coz I’m the one for you

[Taran and Vena dance away and Jon steps in]

Jon: I need a girl who will be true to me

[The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]

Lily: [rapping] I want to crush them all your rock

sprinkle on your jock at the parking lot, give you little glitter

eat it, smoke it like creator, sprinkles on my kushy cat

keep, keep my booty tap

What?

[music stops. Lily starts acting shy again.] [Cut Taran and Vena. They are speechless.]

Taran: Um, she’s from Montana, right?

Vena: I don’t think she’s been from Montana in a long time.

[the happy music playing] [Cut to Kyle and Lindy dancing]

Lindy: Before we kiss, I need to wear your pants

Kyle: All your’s.

[Cut to Taran and Vena dancing]

Vena: All I ride is the only car I ride in

Taran: Mustang!

[Cut to Jon and Lily] [The music beat changes to a hard hiphop beat]

Lily: [rapping] You wanna date me?

you gotta chill with my friend, his name is Nasty Jack

[Nasty Jack walks in]

Nasty Jack: I’m fulfilling!

Lily: We do everything together,

now just that Jack wants to have sex

Nasty Jack: Hell yeah! Can’t we?

Lily: And we’ll probably have sex with Nasty Jack too.

Nasty Jack: Oh! It’s gonna happen!

Lily: I watched him turn and eat gummy bears

and it’s her, you heard! So, uh!

Nasty Jack: So, we dating or what?

Jon: Wow, jeez! I don’t know if I wanna go all the way with you and Nasty Jack.

[Ditt runs in]

Ditt Mayer: Oh, cherry bomb!

[Ditt runs away] [Cut to Kyle and Lindy singing and dancing]

Kyle: Scoob, scoob, schooby-doo-dupap!

Lindy: Bam, bam, bapa-bapa-bapa-bapa

[Cut to Taran and Vena singing and dancing]

Taran: Tu-wa-pap-duba-daba-dipidi-doo

Vena: Boong, bang, rama-lama-bingidi-bong!

[Cut to Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack]

Jon: Shang-shang–

[Lily purs cream on Jon’s face and starts licking it]

Oh, my gosh!

Okay! Okay! Okay! Can we stop? Okay, time out! Alright?

Nasty Jack: Too late. We going steady now!

Lily: Come on!

Jon: Okay!

[Jon and Lily sit on a toy horse. Everyone else starts dancing.] [Jon, Lily and Nasty Jack leave]