Sean Spicer Returns (Melissa McCarthy)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glenn… Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: We now join the White House press briefing where Sarah Huckabee Sanders is filling in for Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders walking to the podium]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good morning, guys. It’s an honor to be here today. And for those of you who don’t know me, my father is Mike Huckabee and my mother is a big souther hamburger. Okay? And yes, obviously, I”m hilarious like my daddy. Now, I am filling in for Sean today. As you know, Sean is fulfilling his duty as an officer in the Naval reserve and that is why he cannot be here today.

Cecily: I’m pretty sure I can see him hiding in those bushes.

[Sean Spicer is looking inside through the window from behind the bushes]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: I believe that’s a naval exercise. He’s trying to blend in with his surroundings, okay? Are there any more questions?

Sasheer: Yeah. I have a question. Can you just do this full time instead of him?

Mikey: Yeah. I’d also like to ask that question because you are clearly articulate and charming. Where as Sean is bullish–

[Sean Spicer walks in and uses fire extinguisher on Mikey]

Sean Spicer: You know why I had to put your pants out? Coz you’re bone chugged liar in there. That pant’s lying. [walks to the podium and pushing Sarah Huckabee Sanders away] Now, move. Move. When you lie all the time, your pants get on fire. Liar, liar, pants on fire. So, I put him out. That’s right. Spicy’s back. Sarah’s out. Booya! Let’s do this. First question, Michelin man. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Glenn.

Glenn: Yes. People are saying that based on president Trump’s tweets that he is unhinged. Would you agree?

Sean Spicer: Oh, my god, Glenn. Do I come to your job and slap those seven or eight hot dogs out of your mouth? Huh? You’re really gonna ask me that? This is offensive. If he is crazy, he is crazy like a fox with mental problems. Okay? Next question.

Glenn: Yes, I have a follow-up. Isn’t it true that president Trump only fired James Comey to stop the FBI’s investigation with him?

Sean Spicer: Shut up, Glenn.

Glenn: I think the American people deserve to know.

Sean Spicer: [mocking] Oh, do they, Glenn? [gibberish] You stink!

Glenn: Come on! I don’t stink.

Sean Spicer: You stink bad!

Glenn: I don’t stink. [Glenn sits down]

Sean Spicer: Alright, let me just put this whole Russian thing to bed once and for all. Trump is innocent. How do we know? Because he told us so. Period! Then he hired lawyers to agree with him. And they’re going to prove it with a certified letter, which you know is the truth because it costs and extra $2 to certify. Now, I got a tracking number right here. You wanna check it out. It goes 8554611856– son of a– Alright, wait, that’s my bank routing number. No one use that. No one use it. You can’t take money out of it. If you wanna put money in, go ahead. Alright, next question.

Sasheer: Sean, you must know this Russia thing looks really bad.

Sean Spicer: Oh my god! There is no Russian thing. The only Russian thing here is my little dollies. Bring them out.

[Sean Spicer walks to the table beside the podium. There’s a box.]

For you people. Okay, here’s the deal. See if you can follow. Okay, first of all, here’s Trump. [pulls out a pot with Donald Trump printed on it.] Okay? He’s the biggest one and he’s the most beautiful. When he was not happy with the performance of the FBI director, this guy, Comey. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a dog’s picture] Because Comey was not being nice to our friend, boom, Hillary Clinton. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with Maleficent’s picture] Okay? This dude,[he shows a pot with another picture, but then hides it.] wait! Son of a– Okay, that’s not– Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him. If you did this Glenn, I swear to god I’ll rip you to shreds. So, what actually happened is Trump conferred with his good, good friend, there you go, Steve Bannon. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a cartoon green slug picture] And the decision to fire Comey was even confirmed by Trump’s tiniest little buddy, come on out you little buddy, Jeff Sessions. [Sean Spicer shows a small pot with Pikachu’s picture] There we go. Jeff Sessions. So, next question.

[Sean Spicer walks to the podium]

Vanessa: Yeah. Were you surprised that he fired Comey before he fired you?

Sean Spicer: Oh, god!

[Sean Spicer walks to a pole, carried the whole pole and throws it over the press members]

Does that answer your question? I honestly hope to god it killed her.

Cecily: Sean. Sean, just be straight with us for once. What’s really going on?

Sean Spicer: I am being straight with you. I’m telling you exactly what president Trump told me.

Glenn: Um, but what if he’s lying to you?

Sean Spicer: He– But he wouldn’t do that. He’s my friend.

Sasheer: If he’s your friend, why does he make you come out here and humiliate yourself everyday?

Sean Spicer: He doesn’t make me. I like it. I– I get off on it.

Mikey: If he’s your friend, why is everyone saying he is about to fire you and replace you with Sarah.

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in eating an apple]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, bless your heart. This is the first time I’m hearing of that.

[Sean Spicer pushes Sarah Huckabee Sanders away]

Sean Spicer: Get out. Get out. I gotta find Trump. I’m going to New York. [Sean Spicer’s podium is moving like it’s a car] The press interview is over!

[song playing]

[Cut to Sean Spicer traveling on streets on the same podium]

Sean Spicer: [road rage] Common! I need to find Trump! [sobbing] I promise I’ll talk better. I can’t go back to the Navy. I can’t swim.

[Sean Spicer sees a gum on the street. He picks it up and puts it in his mouth.]

[Sean Spicer reaches Trump Tower]

[to the Trump Tower guard] I wanna talk to President Trump. Now!

Guard: He doesn’t come here anymore.

Sean Spicer: Well, then where is he?

[Cut to a golf course in New Jersey]

[Sean Spicer finds Donald Trump

Sean Spicer: Mr. Trump. I need to talk to you. have you ever told me to say things that aren’t true?

Donald Trump: Only since you started working here.

Sean Spicer: I don’t think I can do this anymore, Mr. President. They are saying you are going to replace me with Sarah.

Donald Trump: Sean, come on. I would never do that. She doesn’t have you special spice, salt and pepper [tickling Sean Spicer’s hair] and a little bit of sugar. [tickling Sean Spicer’s belly]

Sean Spicer: No! Mr. President, stop.

Donald Trump: You like it when I do that, Sean?

Sean Spicer: No, it just tickles a little.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump tickles a little more]

Sean Spicer: No! I’m married.

Donald Trump: Sean, kiss me.

Sean Spicer: I can’t. I have a wife. I took vows.

Donald Trump: No, I’m famous. It’s okay.

Sean Spicer: No, wait. Is this like the Godfather when you kiss me and no one ever sees me again?

Donald Trump: Yes.

[Sean Spicer and Donald Trump start kissing]

Game Show

Kurt Burton… Mikey Day

Don… Kate McKinnon

Todd… Bobby Moynihan

Marcie… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with three contestants ready to play a TV game show]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s sweetest game show. ‘Just Desserts!’ And here’s your host, Kurt Burton.

[Kurt Burton walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kurt Burton: Ho-ho! Alright! Welcome to ‘Just Desserts.’ I’m your host, Kurt Burton. And today, three lucky contestants will be battling head to head to take the cake worth a yummy $50,000. Don, Todd and Marcie, one of you will be walking away winner.

Marcie: Whoo!

Kurt Burton: Ha-ha. marcie is excited. Now, you know how it works. We spin the board and you tell us when to stop. Land on a cash stack, and you’re richer than chocolate mousse. Or, land on a pie or cake, and you’ll be in a very sticky situation. Marcie, you won the coin toss back stage. So, you will start ups up by spinning that board.

Marcie: Okay, baby! Come on, cash stacks. Mama wants big old cash stack. No pies. No pies. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Oh, that’s pie.

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

A pie on the first pick.

Marcie: Is there a towel?

Kurt Burton: No, there is not. Todd, you’re up.

Todd: Cash, no pies. Come on! Cash, no pies. And stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh, 500 bucks and a pass a pie to the left. Marcie, you get pied.

Marcie: Wait! Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, you’re up.

Don: Ooh! Me want the cash stacks. I don’t want pies or cakes. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Ooh! $5,000 big ones, plus a take a cake. Take a cakes go to the right, so Marcie, happy birthday.

Marcie: Wait, what do you mean?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: And Don, choose your topic.

Don: Everybody loves sprinkles.

[A confetti is blasted on Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Alright. And finally, let’s blow out those candles.

[a blower is used on Marcie’s face]

Marcie: Ah! Ah! Ooh! Argh!

Kurt Burton: Alright. Marcie, you’re up.

Marcie: I can’t! I don’t see anything.

Kurt Burton: Marcie, just tell us when to stop.
Marcie: Stop.

Kurt Burton: Okay, Marcie, you did run out of time. And that means you get an out of time pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Whow! What a yummy first round. Let’s meet our players. Don Hamill, a dentist from Tacoma. Todd Spratt, a graphic designer from Cleveland. And Marcie Hill, a stay at home mother of none from Orlando. Marcie had a little trouble that round, huh?

Marcie: I did. I did. Yeah.

Kurt Burton: What do you think tripped you up?

Marcie: Um, I have to say the pies! I couldn’t see, hear and for most part, could not breathe out of either of these. Yeah, the pies got me. Ha-ha.

Kurt Burton: Yeah. The pies got you. Well, remember Marcie, it will cost you a turn and 100 big ones, but you can always ask for a clean up.

Marcie: Right. You know what? I completely forgot about the option because of the pie.

Kurt Burton: Well, let’s hope in round two it’s all cash stacks and no messy treats. And remember, this round prize and pie amounts are double dipped. Don, you are in lead with 5,000 big ones. Todd’s in the second with 500. And Marcie, you’re in third with zero big ones which means you get a zero pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, start us off.

Don: Okay, cash stacks me want some, pies and cakes me don’t! Stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh! Pie!

Don: I’ll buy the pie.

Kurt Burton: Don, that’s your pie to pass. You can say the–

Don: Kurt, I’m gonna pass that pie to Marcie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.] Oh!

Kurt Burton: And, since this round is double dipped, that’s two for you.

Marcie: What? [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Might be a good time for a wife off, Marcie.

Marcie: Oh, yes. Clean up.

Kurt Burton: Alright. Here it comes.

[two pipes are spraying water to Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Marcie, you chose clean up. That means you will lose your next turn.

Marcie: Oh, wait. It’s probably for the best.

Kurt Burton: It’s also going to cost you 100 big ones, but since your bank is empty, you pay in pie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Looks like we gotta take a break. Coming up, bigger stacks of cash and thicker, denser pies.

Marcie: Oh, god! No! No! Not with crust. Now with crust.

Kurt Burton: Only on, ‘Just Desserts!’

Star Trek Lost Episode

Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Uhuru… Sasheer Zamata

Captain… Chris Pine

Scotty… Beck Bennett

Spock… Kyle Mooney

Spocko… Bobby Moynihan

Alex Moffat

[Starts with TV Land Future Classics intro]

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson in his set]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Good evening. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson. My vest has suns on it.  I think that is so cool. In 1966, a series called Star Trek would chance television forever, but in its third and final season, the quality faded quicker than the solstice moon. [laughing at his own jokes awkwardly] Sorry. Science makes me silly. Before cancellation, several Star Trek episodes were shot but never aired until now. What follows the first look at episode 81, “Spock’s Secret.”

[Cut to the scene from the episode.]

Uhuru: Captain, the Romulan’s home planet has weakened our systems. Shields are barely holding.

Captain: God, they’re completely shutting us down. Scotty, can we return fire with photon torpedoes?

Scotty: I’m trying my best, captain, but we’ve got a malfunction in the plasmic core system.

Captain: Spock, can you fix it?

Spock: Negative, captain. I’m not familiar with the mechanics of plasma systems, but I do know someone who is… my brother.

Captain: You have a brother?

Spock: A half brother, captain. A citizen of the planet Vulcan who’s one of the academy’s best engineers.

Captain: Well, by all means, send him up.

[Spocko walks in]

Spocko: Hey, how you doing? My name’s Spocko! Reporting for duty over here. I was in the wrong hallway. I opened the door, I almost got sucked out into space. Now, that’s a ‘Star Trek.’

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Spocko was played by actor and nightclub crooner Sal Delabate. In 1968, Delabate’s song, ‘Pizza beach’ was big hit on the dance charts. Producers were trying to appeal to a far out audience. So, in a ratings grab, Spocko was created.

[Cut to the episode]

Captain: Spocko, are you two actually related?

Spock: Yes, captain. My father ambassador Sarek had a child with a human school teacher who is my mother, but he also fathered a son with an earth woman who worked as a hostess at Mama Guchioni’s family style bistro in ‘Queens, New York.’ That’s Spocko.

Spocko: Yeah. That’s me. That’s Spocko. Come on!

Alex: Captain, I’m not sure I trust this man to repair our ship.

Sulu: Yeah. We’ve never seen him before. It’s weird.

Spocko: Oh, come on, Sulu, don’t be illogical over here. What are you doing?

Captain: I’m sorry, but we’ve got no other choice. Romulus could fire at any moment. Spocko, give it your best shot.

Spocko: Alright. NO problem. [Spocko starts walking around looking for the problem. He is limping.] Now, what’s this here? You got a problem with your plasma core or something?

Scotty: I think it’s a distorted wake pattern.

Spocko: Ah, well, hold on. Let me just get my tools here. Let me just scoot right through here. Need my little machine. Alright, let’s get this puppy open And here we go. [Spocko pulls out a whole system cover. It’s smoking inside.] Yeah. Looks like you got fourteen MCFS ionized gas over here. You konw? that’s your problem.

Uhuru: Excellent diagnosis, Spocko.

Spocko: Ooh! Thank you, Uhuru. He-he-he. You know, look, I’m a Vulcan but I’m very direct sometimes and I got to say, I want to take a big nice bite of that nice bit juicy butt of your’s. Now, that’s a Star Trek.

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson:

Wow! A lot to unpack there. You’re probably wondering about the walk. Sal Delabate was living in the back of a bar at the time. And he had a rare medical condition from eating no solid food except pearl onions and shaved ice. After Sal sexually harassed Uhuru played by Nichelle Nichols, producers knew this episode would never air and they let Delabate do whatever he wanted. Take a look.

[Cut to the episode]

Captain: Captain’s log. Star date 45, 21.4. Systems are up and running. All thanks to a Vulcan from Queens with strange jelly bones. The important thing is my crew is safe.

Spocko: Hey! Live long and party, captain. Set a course for ‘Pizza Beach’.

[music playing]

All: [singing] There’s a special kind of beach
where all the cool kids go
order a set of my pizza
welcome to the Pizza Beach

Now, that’s a pizza!

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Yes. I know it was a disaster. But it was still better than “Star Trek, 5 the Final Frontier.” Oh, set your phasers to, “Oh snap.” That’s a trekky burn. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson and I’ll see you, this is so exciting, in the future.

Spocko: Now, that’s a Star Trek.

Morning Joe

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborougn… Alex Moffat

Mike Barnicle… Bobby Moynihan

Mark Halperin… Beck Bennett

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

[Starts with ‘Morning Joe’ intro]

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Mika Brzezinski: Good Morning.

Joe Scarborougn: How are you doing?

Mika Brzezinski: Good morning. That’s “Rock n’ roll all night” by Kiss.

Joe Scarborougn: Great song.

Mika Brzezinski: If you’re listening to loud classic rock followed by the most casual of political conversations, it must be ‘Morning Joe’.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, guys, they did it. Okay? The house has passed their healthcare plan which might take health insurance away from twentyfour million Americans. Many of them are swing voters in twentyeighteen, if morality doesn’t matter to them, maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: I mean maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe pure politics should?

Mika Brzezinski: I mean, it’s crazy.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika’s over.

Mika Brzezinski: I am. I’m up it. I’m over it. I’m past it. I’m in the driveway. The car is running. This part– this party– your party, republican party is–

Joe Scarborougn: Watch it.

Mika Brzezinski: — is completely morally bankrupt.

Joe Scarborougn: Oh, Mika!

Mika Brzezinski: I’ll just point. No–

Joe Scarborougn: That’s enough. Okay? You’re being sneaky because you know what pushes my button.

Mika Brzezinski: [looking at Joe Scarborougn] Does that? Push your buttons?

Joe Scarborougn: It does. [both looks to the camera] Mike Barnicle, what is going on with this bill?

[Cut to Mike Barnicle. He’s looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock]

Mike Barnicle: Ah, I don’t know what’s going on. This bill– This bill is puzzling.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, Mike. Congress doesn’t even have a CVO score on this. Is this just about– Is this just about getting a win? I mean there’s a lot of people with pre-existing conditions who are probably just furious right now.

Mika Brzezinski: Like, C-section.

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah.

Mika Brzezinski: A C-section is a pre-existing condition. And you know what’s not a pre-existing condition? Erectile dysfunction.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold on.

Mika Brzezinski: And isn’t that–

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, here we go. Mika, you’re being dramatic.

Mika Brzezinski: No, but here’s what I’m being.

Joe Scarborougn: Ay, Mika mouse, Mika mouse, you’re being a little stinker–

Mika Brzezinski: But let me finish.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re being a little stinker.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m not being a stinker.

Joe Scarborougn: Hey! Mika-boo.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn have come very close to each other.]

Mika Brzezinski: Am I being a stinker?

Joe Scarborougn: Yes, you’re being a stinker and it’s not gonna work.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah?

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn are about to kiss, but they pause and look at camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Mark Halperin, the senate can’t be pleased at the house just threw this in their lap. I mean, what is their relationship like now?

[Cut to Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with disgust.]

Mark Halperin: What is their relationship like? Confusing.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Willie Geist, what do you see in here?

[Cut to Willie Geist]

Willie Geist: Um, what am I seeing here? I have no idea. I have so many unanswered questions.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, what about Trump? He hasn’t read the bill.

Mika Brzezinski: I can’t.

Joe Scarborougn: And back during the election–

Mika Brzezinski: I won’t.

Joe Scarborougn: Trump called into our show but he doesn’t do it anymore because he just shut himself off from anyone who can challenge him.

Mika Brzezinski: It’s sad. It’s sad but it’s true. And for some insight into this, we’re gonna talk to a man who says he’s with Trump every single day on the phone. We have a publicist named John Miller live from the Whitehouse.

Joe Scarborougn: Terrific.

Male voice: Hello, Joe, Mica, this is John Miller. [it’s the voice of Donald Trump] I’m sort of a new here.

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, glad to finally hear from you, Mr. Miller.

Male voice: First, I wanna wish everyone a happy Cinco de Mayo which is the day all Mexicans eat a sink full of mayonnaise.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Miller. Do you work in the White House?

Male voice: I do. Yes. I do. I work very hard. So, incredibly hard. Mika, I’m just celebrating the fantastic success we had with congress yesterday. After congress voted, we had a party. There was bill, a disaster that Obamacare has finally been repealed

Joe Scarborougn: Hold on, sir. It’s not repealed yet. The bill still has to pass the senate.

Male voice: What now?

Joe Scarborougn: The bill goes through the senate. They might even re-write the entire thing if they pass it at all.

Male voice: But there was beer.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Mlller, the bill has a long way to go. So, it seems a little premature to celebrate.

Male voice: You know what? We’re going to look into this. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye. [hangs up]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay.

Mika Brzezinski: Here’s what I want to say. Don’t stop me.

Joe Scarborougn: Go ahead.

Mika Brzezinski: The president is mentally ill.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold–

Mika Brzezinski: He has entered a state of psychosis.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika! Mika! You’re being naughty. Okay? You’re being very naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, I am being naughty?

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, you’re being real naughty.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn start getting close to each other again]

Mika Brzezinski: Why don’t you stop me?

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe you need some of the punishing for being naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m a bad journalist.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re not a bad journalist. You’re a bad kitty.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow.

[Mika Brzezinski bites Joe Scarborougn’s nose.]

[Cut to Mike Barnicle and Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock.]

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn. They look to the camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Alright. We’re gonna address the elephant in the room.

Mika Brzezinski: Let’s! [inhales heavily]

Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Turtle Shirt

Jimmy Fallon

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Sasha… Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Jimmy  joking around with his office colleagues]

Jimmy : I’m serious. I went to this lunch thing at his house. And it was like sears all the way. [everyone laughing] Also, have you ever noticed how low the hairline is. [Kyle walks in behind Jimmy ] I think it’s where his eyebrows start. [everyone laughing]

Kyle: Patrick! Can I walk with you in my office?

[Jimmy  turns around looking scared]

Female voice: You’ve been caught talking about your boss again? If you could only hide somewhere. Now, you can. Inside your shirt.

[music playing]

[Jimmy  pulls his head inside his shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

The turtle shirt, by Swag.

Turtle shirts are made from plastrals and keratinous scutes. The same materials from which a turtle’s shell is made. Our shirts offer an mazing and comfortable place to wait out any unwanted and embarrassing situations.

[Cut to a party]

Pete: Great party.

Bobby: Thanks Jeff.

Sasha: Uh, here you go.

Pete: Hey, have you met my wife?

Pete: You know, I haven’t. Can I just say, your hair is so pretty that it actually kind of looks fake.

[Bobby and Sasha looks at each other]

Bobby: Sasha works with orangutans and one of them took her scalp off.

Sasha: It capped me. That’s the primary term for it.

Bobby: The top of her head is completely fake.

[Pete is embarrassed. Pete pulls his head and hands inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: It’s like having a personal panic room on your back.

[Cut to Beck walking to his friends]

Beck: Hey, who wants to see a picture of my new baby?

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. I’d love to. [Beck shows Sasheer a picture] This is a penis.

Beck: What is?

Sasheer: This picture is a penis.

Beck: Oh, my god! No. That’s not my baby.

Sasheer: Was that your penis?

Beck: Yeah, right. I doubt it.

[Sasheer is staring at Beck]

[Beck is embarrassed. Beck pulls his head, hands and legs inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: Turtle shirt, by Swag. Available only at Lord and Taylor.

Male voice: Warning: Lying on your back while inside the turtle shirt may result to death.

Civil War Soldiers

Jimmy Fallon

Mikey Day

Alex Moffatt

Beck Bennett

Greg… Harry Styles

Captain… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a Union Army Camp in 1863.]

Jimmy : I heard we’re marching south tomorrow.

Mikey: Feels like this war’s never going to end. I swear, sometimes, I forget what we are even fighting for.

Alex: Yeah. We’ve been fighting this war so long, I wonder if my family will even recognize me.

Beck: Oh, I’m tired of hearing all this grumbling. How about a song? Something to lift our spirits. A real foot stomper.

Alex: How about ‘Old New York?’

Beck: Ah! Old New York. Now that’s the tune that will put the fight back in you. What do you say, boys?

All: Alright!

Alex: Great song.

[music palying]

Beck: [singing] Well, I’m from New York, I am from up north in yankee land
then one day the union army came a calling
they said son grab up your gun, there is glory to be won
and soon the dixie boys will be a falling

All: One, two, three, it’s the union calls for me
that we fear the grape shot nor the canon roar
oh, liberty and I happily
and bury me back home in Old New York

Jimmy : [standing] And we’re singing like,
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, party till the sun come up

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, we’ll stay up for ever now

[Everone else is staring Jimmy  looking confused]

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, dance until the pills wear off
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,, it’s a party at my parent’s house

[Jimmy  sits back]

Beck: Um, I don’t remember that part of Old New York.

Jimmy : Oh, no. Sorry, I added it. I felt like it needed like a fat catchy hook people can sing along. It’s good, right?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, it’s already stuck in my head.

Greg: You know what would sound good? If you all did a bridge after that hook.

Beck: Hey, Greg, shut up.

Greg: Okay.

Beck: Listen. Old New York is a soldier’s song. It’s about courage and making your loved ones proud. So maybe best not to change it.

Jimmy : Oh, of course. Just musically, it felt like it wanted that hook. Keep going.

Beck: [singing] Now I miss my family and I miss New York City,
but to run away from war is a disgrace
if the rebel shoot me down

Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: Tell my family I was found
Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: On the ground with a smile on the face.

Jimmy : Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa [build up]

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, skinny dipping in the pool
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, all our friends are making out
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,…

Beck: I don’t know what to say.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, it’s a party at my parent’s house.

[Greg walks in]

Greg: Oh my god! there she is, the girl I like
suddenly, it’s all clear
this is the best night of my life
everybody sing it right.

All: Oh, oh, oh–

[Captain walks in]

Captain: What the hell is going on here?

Beck: Oh, I’m very sorry, sir. I thought some singing might boost morale in camp.

Captain: Oh, no. I’m sorry. I was pretending like I was the dad in the song. Like, coming home and seeing the party at my house and be like, “What’s going on?” Being like, angry.

Jimmy : Let’ go. That would be a fun break in the song.

Mikey: Yeah. Maybe it’s like a switcheroo and the dad’s actually into it?

[Beck looks disppointed]

Jimmy : Yeah, yeah. Or we can just do the regular version of Old New York.

Beck: Oh, who am I kidding? That hook is fire. The whole track is absolutely lit. Let’s take it from the dad coming in.

Captain: [clearing throat] Nobody parties at my house! Without me!

Beck: Two, three, four.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,

Greg: Everybody know themselves!

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh…

Jimmy : It’s a party at my parent’s house.

[explosion]

Oh, man! That canon sounded amazing. Hey, props to whoever shot that cannon. That was a fun punch at the end.

Beck: That wasn’t one of our’s.

Jimmy : Then who shot it?

[explosion and smoke effect]

Male voice: And when the smoke cleared, all that was left of the third New York infantry was their bravery, their sacrifice and our nation’s first big fat hook.

Trump’s People

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with Bobby speaking at the podium]

Bobby: People of county, boy, do we have surprise for you tonight. [cheers and applause] Yes. He was on his way to Washington, but he decided to first stop andbe with the people who brought him there. Please welcome the president of the United States, Donald Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you. We all love Trump, don’t we? We do. We do. I had an amazing week, folks. I met with the leaders from China, Egypt and Jordan. Gorsuch was confirmed and the media is saying nice things and no one is talking about Russia. Wow, what a difference 59 tomahawk missiles can make. I just want to spend 20 minutes today with my people. Folks who don’t whisper, “Oh, god, what’s happening?” right after I leave the room. I know how hard it is for you. Thins have changed so much since I was growing up. For example, a lot of poverty is white now. Isn’t that crazy? Let me hear from you. You like that I bombed Syria? You right there.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: I sure do, sir, but I wanted to talk about my job. I recently got laid off from coal mining plant.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I love coal. You guys have suffered terribly. Worse than anyone. And as president, I promise I am going to do everything I can to make sure you people work in coal for the rest of your lives. And your kids will work in coal and your grandkids. It’s going to be incredible.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Mr. President, thank you so much, but all we want are good jobs. They don’t have to be in coal.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Sorry, hombre, it’s all coal. In Trump’s American, men work in two places. Coal mines and Goldman Sachs. Therefore, I’m cutting all jobs killing regulations. I’m proud to announce that as of today, your coal mines will have no regulations. None. It’s a free-for-all. How about you? are you glad that I bombed Syria?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, yeah. I guess so Mr. President. But I actually wanna talk about Obamacare. Since I signed up, my premiums have gone up and I have to drive 90 minutes to see a doctor. I know you tried your best to fix it but you just couldn’t.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You mean Paul Ryan couldn’t. I did everything I could. I made phone calls, I jumped into a truck and I posed for pictures. I went, “Honk! Honk!” But I won’t give up. I am talking with the freedom caucus and we are going to get rid of it.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: You’re going to get rid of my healthcare? Like, all of it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: All of it. Gone! After we are done, you will never have to drive to see a doctor again. How does that sound? That’s great, right? Isn’t that great?

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Um, well, I trust your judgement, sir. There must be some reason you are a billionaire.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: See? We think exactly alike, I say quietly to myself. Sometimes quietly to myself. All the time actually, there must be some reason I’m a billionaire. Who is next? How about you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi, sir. I want to talk about my wife who is addicted to pain killers.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Susan Rice? Put her in jail, right?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m not sure who that is. I work in union but my wife won’t move because she is in a federally sponsored drug rehab program an hour away.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrible. This is the exact problem I’m having. My wife doesn’t wanna move either. So, she lives 200miles away. It’s costing the federal government millions of dollars. It’s nuts. Am I right? But she says she loves her own bed. Wives can be crazy. Am I right? They can be crazy.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I feel you, sir. But like I was saying, my wife stays because of the federal rehab program.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, don’t worry about that, okay? Coz, we’re gonna get rid of it.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: You’re getting rid of it?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes. Junking it. Junked! Now she can live wherever she wants. Did I make you feel better now?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: I’m nor sure, but I voted for you and your are my president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: See? That’s why I came here. You stand by me no matter what. It’s like you found a finger in your chili and still eat the chili because you don’t know how much you love chili. It’s tremendous. Who else? How about you?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Thank you for coming. I guess I wanted to talk about my own child who is in an after school program.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Junked!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Great. I work two jobs for minimum wage.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Minimum wage, gone. Gone.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. Perfect. It’s just we can’t afford a new house because my mortgage is under water.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: We’re getting rid of that. We’re getting rid of that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: My mortgage?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. Your house. Junked.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And we can’t even drink our own water because there is lead in it.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. We’re going to keep that. We’re going to keep that one. Are we cool? You still love Trump?

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re my president!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, you’re blowing my mind. Okay, keep eating that finger chili. I think you can hear my helicopter right now. Remember that I’m one of you and live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Birthday Clown

Clown… Bobby Moynihan

Ernie… Louis C.K.

[Starts with a man opening door. There’s a clown outside.]

Clown: Hey, I’m Seth. I’m the birthday clown. Sorry, I came early.

Ernie: That’s okay. [gesturing to come in] [Clown walks in with his box] Did you find parking okay?

Clown: I took an Uber.

Ernie: Dressed like this?

Clown: Yeah, it’s part of the job. I’m used to it.
Ernie: Oh, well, set up right here.

[Cut to Clown setting up. Ernie walks in with a can of soda]

You gotta get a better defense, man.

Clown: Oh, yeah. It has been a good season though, altogether. You know? So, where is the birthday boy? Little Ernie, right?

Ernie: Oh, it’s me.

[Ernie sits on a sofa alone to watch Clown]

Clown: Come again?

Ernie: Um, I’m Ernie. It’s my birthday.

[Clown is looking around]

Clown: So– do you want– should we wait for everyone to show up?

Ernie: No, it’s just me. [opens his can of soda] Whenever you’re ready.

Clown: I’m sorry. Before I start, I’m wondering why–

Ernie: Just start the show, man. I gotta take my mind off some stuff.

Clown: Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah. [Clown walks behind the curtains] I’m just gonna do it.

[Clown turns on the funky kid’s music]

[Clown is using sock puppet as a bird speaking. He is still behind the curtains. The puppet is outside.]

Female voice: Hey, kids, are you ready for Dodo the clown?

Ernie: Uh-huh.

Female voice: I can’t hear you.

Ernie: Yeah. I’m ready.

Female voice: Now, here comes the Dodo!

[Clown comes out on a baby cycle blowing the horn]

Ernie: It’s good.

Clown: Hey, kids. Do you remember my name?

Ernie: Dodo.

Clown: And what’s your name, birthday boy?

Ernie: Ernie Sullivan.

Clown: And how old are you turning today?

Ernie: I’m 53.

Clown: Jesus! What’s your favorite color?

Ernie: Um, I don’t know. [Clown waiting for the answer] I don’t know. [Clown still waiting for the answer]

Clown: Okay. Um, boy, I sure am hungry. I hope I got a snack! [pulls out a bottle out of his pocket] Bleh! Ha-ha-ha. [opens the bottle, and a toy snake jumps out of the bottle] Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Ernie: That’s pretty funny. [pulls out some money and gives it to Clown] Here you go.

Clown: Are you giving me a tip?

Ernie: Yeah, you want me to wait until after?

Clown: Yeah, no– I don’t– there’s no protocol for whatever this is.

Ernie: Sorry. I’ll wait. Go ahead.

[Clown starts pulling out thread out of his mouth]

Ernie: Excuse me. [Ernie walks away. Clown is confused as he doesn’t know what to do.]

Clown: You want me to stop and wait?

[Ernie peeks out of the toilet]

Ernie: No, I can see from here. Keep going.

[Clown is still pulling the color thread out of his mouth.]

[doorbell rings]

Hey, can you get that?

[Clown opens the door. There’s Disney’s Elsa and a robot.]

Elsa: We are here for little Ernie’s birthday party.

Clown: You don’t want this.

[Clown shuts the door. Ernie is standing just behind him.]

[looking at Ernie] They got to go. I think I should go too.

Ernie: Yeah, man. Listen. I’m sorry. I tried to do something different for my birthday. I guess it got weird.

Clown: No, no. It’s okay. It was fine. Happy birthday.

Ernie: Thank you. Hey, can you come into my kitchen for a minute?

Clown: Yeah, what’s up?

Ernie: I’m going to chop you up in little pieces and put you in the fridge.

Clown: Yeah, that seems about right.

Zoo Pornographer

Janet Lorado Deekman…Cecily Strong

Alan Overbrook… Bobby Moynihan

Donna Hemming… Scarlett Johansson

Danny Bangs… Mikey Day

Devon… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good morning, good people, good news. It’s “Good day, Denver.”

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook in their set]

Janet Lorado Deekman: It’s 7 AM in Denver on this beautiful sunny day. I’m Janet Lorado Deekman along side Alan “fun tie” Overbrook. [making fun of Alan Overbrook’s yellow tie]

Alan Overbrook: What? Ha-ha-ha. This country is a mess. I thought I would help brighten things up with a fun tie.

Janet Lorado Deekman: Yeah, bright is right! Where are my ray-bans?

Alan Overbrook:  Come on!

Janet Lorado Deekman: Lots going on this morning? But first, let’s check in with our field reporter, Donna Heming who is at the Denver zoo with Danny Bangs. Ah! Cool job alert. Professional animal pornographer.

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Janet, Alan, it is a real zoo here. And for once I’m not talking about the i-25. Danny bangs has been photographing animals at the zoo for over 10 years. Now, Danny, how in the heck do you get an animal to smile for a photo?

Danny Bangs: Well, I find “say cheese” just makes them hungry.

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman]

Janet Lorado Deekman: I’m sorry to interrupt. I have been told I misspoke and referred to Mr. Bangs as an animal pornographer instead of photographer. So, I’m very sorry. And I want to make it very clear that our guest is an animal photographer. Donna?

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: I got you, Janet. Now, Danny, what is the secret to getting that perfect shot?

Danny Bangs: Well, the key is to make the animals feel comfortable. [The subtitle still has Danny Bangs as animal pornographer] I’ll do anything with them to get the shot I’ll play, be silly, even bribe them with treats.

Donna Hemming: Now what if an animal is in a bad mood? I imagine the lions are divas. Ha-ha.

Danny Bangs: Well, no matter the mood, I love my job. When I get the call, no matter what animal it is, I always come right away. And if an animal is agitated, I find I still capture very real organic moments because there’s beauty in an animal’s raw natural state.

[Cut to Alan Overbrook]

Alan Overbrook: I’m sorry, Donna. Just jumping in real quick to let viewers know that our graphic is incorrect, our guest is an animal photographer. We are going to get that fixed. Why don’t you guys wake up back there? Ha-ha-ha. Back to you, Donna.

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Thanks. oh, I see a lot of tweets coming in from the good day Denver live tweeters. You’ve got some fans, Danny.

Danny Bangs: Ooh!

Donna Hemming: @kareninaspen says, “Watching on mute at the gym. What the f is happening?” I guess she can’t believe you have such a cool job. How did you get started?

Danny Bangs: Well, I started with amateur stuff and I would put it online. And National Geographic saw my work, gave me a job and from there, I found my new home here at the Denver Denver Zoo.

Donna Hemming: Wow! We have more tweets here. @zoodarkweb asked, “This dude have any horse stuff?”

Danny Bangs: Sure do. And it’s in all my new book, “The Picture’s a Little Fuzzy: my decade at the Denver Zoo.” It’s very easy to navigate. I did the animals alphabetical. So I started on an Aardvark and finished on a Zebra. Very easy.

Donna Hemming: Well, I encourage everyone to buy the book. Now, a beautiful celebration of a decade’s work. Now, what is it like to work with these cute little baby animals?

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook]

Alan Overbrook: [interrupting] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let’s not talk about baby animals, Donna.

Janet Lorado Deekman: Yeah. Let’s keep the interview about adult consenting animals and can we please fix the graphics?

[Cut to Donna Hemming and Danny Bangs]

Donna Hemming: Well, okay. This book is filled with amazing snaps, but surely there must have been some misfires.

Danny Bangs: Oh, of course. Once I took about 1,000 pictures of this funny little monkey and I blew it. I got home. I realized there was no film in the camera.

Donna Hemming: Ha-ha-ha.

Danny Bangs: Is it okay if I plug my website?

Donna Hemming: Yes, of course. We thought you might want to.

Danny Bangs: Yes, it’s dannybangsanimals.com. Visit it. We just got flagged.

[Devon walks in]

Devon: Pardon me?

Danny Bangs: Oh, Devon, hi. This is Devon. He works at the zoo. He’s a great guy.

Devon: Yeah, don’t touch me.

Danny Bangs: I’m sorry.

Devon: I have been asked to read a statement from the Denver zoo. The Denver zoo does not condone animal pornography in any form. Furthermore, Danny Bangs will no longer have access to animals at the zoo while we investigate the extent of his crimes.

Danny Bangs: Devon, what is this about?

Devon: You know what it’s about, you monster.

[Devon walks out]

Donna Hemming: Well, it certainly is getting wild down here at the Denver zoo. Back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Janet Lorado Deekman and Alan Overbrook]

Janet Lorado Deekman: All right. We have to take a quick break. When we return, the white house round-up and more details on the emerging Danny Bangs scandal at the Denver zoo.

Alien Attack Cold Open

General… Kenan Thompson

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Alien… Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the year 2018, aliens landed on earth. They did not come in peace.

[Cut to General briefing his soldiers]

General: Men, women, the hour is upon us. [cheers and applause] The aliens are stronger than we thought which means the fight for humanity begins now. We may be down but we are not out. We’ve lost limbs. We’ve lost lives. But we will not lose the United States of America. Now, let’s get out there, destroy those aliens and save the human race. But first, your commander in chief wants to say a word.

[Donald Trump walks in. He is also wearing a military jacket.]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, yes. What a beautiful day. Who here loves Trump? I know this guy over here, [pointing at dead man] he loves Trump. Now, here’s the deal. We are going to beat these aliens because we have got the best military, but we don’t win anymore. And the aliens are laughing at us. They’re killing us and they’re laughing at us.

General: We know that aliens are killing us, sir. They have the most advanced weponized technology we have ever seen. What should we do?

Donald Trump: Okay, here’s what we do. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We are going to bring coal back. Okay? We’re going to have so much coal, you’re going ty say, “Where did all this coal come from? I never knew there could be so much coal.”

General: But Mr. President, what about the aliens? They just vaporized the entire state of California.

Donald Trump: So then, I won the popular vote?

General: Sir, please. Everyone in California is dead.

Donald Trump: Even Arnold?

General: Sir, yes, we are dealing with a highly advanced species here. They are from Zorblat-9. Their ships are invisible. They’re telepathic.

Donald Trump: Okay. No, we don’t know that they are from Zorblat-9. I’ve actually heard Zorblat-9 is very beautiful, very fantastic.

Kyle: Oh, my god. Does he have business ties on Zorblat-9?

[explosion sound]

Beck: General, the aliens are outside the base.

General: Mr. President, please. We have to do something. Look how much the aliens control. This is the aliens and this is us. [showing all United States map captured by the aliens except them.]

Donald Trump: This is us?

General: Yes.

Donald Trump: That is a great show. “This Is Us.” I can’t watch it because it’s on NBC and NBC has been unfair to me.

Alex: Sir, I have terrible news. New York city has been attacked. And Trump Hotel has been completely destroyed causing $50 million in damages.

Donald Trump: More like $1 billion.

Alex: Well, luckily no lives were lost because no one was staying at the hotel.

Donald Trump: That’s not true. Everyone loves to stay at my hotel. I’m sure a bunch o top shelf classy people died there.

[explosion sound]

Aidy: The aliens, they’re coming.

Donald Trump: I actually heard the aliens are already here. They have been hiding in this country for hundreds of years. It’s a fact. They’re shapeshifters. They look like regular people, but they’re aliens. Look, there’s one right there. [pointing at Leslie]

Leslie: What? I am not an alien.

Donald Trump: Yes, she is. And so is the woman next to her right there. [pointing at Sasheer]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, no.

General: Sir, where are you getting this information?

Donald Trump: From a very reputable source.

General: What? The FBI, CIA?

Donald Trump: Info Wars, it’s a radio show hosted by Alex Jones. You know he is legit because he’s always taking off his shirt. Okay? And that is why I hair-by demand– Sorry, I here be bedamned– Sorry, I Fergie Dabid– Sorry, I Gigi Hadid that we launch a full investigation into these two aliens right now. They’re inside the base. [explosion]

Kate: General, they’re here. They’re inside the base.

General: Alright, troops. The time has come to fight as brothers, as sisters, as Americans. Now join me in the pledge of allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of …

All soldiers: The United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under god. [Donald Trump is speaking gibberish because he doesn’t know what to say] Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

[Aliens walk in]

Alien: Humans! Resistance is futile. Take me to your leader.

Donald Trump: [pointing at General] It’s him. He’s the president.

General: No, I’m not. You are.

Alien: Really? This is gonna be so easy.

Alien, General and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.