Tag: Boss

Eyes

Boss… Brendan Gleeson

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Janine… Sarah Sherman

Michael Longfellow

Carl… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five colleagues in a meeting]

Boss: Alright guys, focus. Denver is counting on us to come up with new slogan for the city.

Ego: Okay, how about “Denver, sky’s the limit”?

Boss: That’s good. That’s really good.

Bowen: All right. I was thinking “Denver, gateway to the Rockies.”

Boss: All right, now we’re talking.

Janine: Ah, who even cares? [Janine is hiding her face]

Boss: Janine, you’ve had a bad attitude all morning. What’s the problem?

Janine: Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just that nobody noticed.

Bowen: Noticed what?

Janine: Nobody noticed I got my eyes replaced. [Janine shows her eyes. It’s like a toy.]

Ego: No, no. Yeah, Janine. We definitely noticed.

Bowen: We had an emergency meeting about it the second you walked in the door.

Boss: Ultimately, we decided that legally it would be just be safest that we pretended we didn’t see it.

Michael: But  since you brought it up, why did you do this, Janine?

Janine: This is ridiculous. Nobody’s asking Luann about why she got a huge fake rack.

Ego: I literally didn’t.

Janine: Oh my god. Good for you.

Boss: Janine, I can’t help but feel you. Like, you’ve made a grave mistake.

Janine: Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s totally reversible. All I have to do is keep my old eyeballs refrigerated. Oh my god! Oh my god, no. Oh my god. I forgot to put my eyeballs in the refrigerator. Oh my god. Oh my god, no. [Janine pulls out her eyes our of her two pockers] They’ve been loose in my pockets for the last 72 hours. Oh my god, no. They’re still god, right? Can you smell them? And tell me if they’re still good. Right? And you guys are smelling them? And they’re good? I can’t see you guys’s reaction right now. I can’t read facial expressions.

Michael: Wait, your eyes are worse now?

Janine: Yes, 100%.

Ego: Then why did you do it?

Janine: To improve my appearance?

Bowen: But it looks worse.

Janine: It does? Oh my god. No!

[Carl walks in]

Carl: Hey, everybody, sorry. I’m late.

Janine: Hey, Carl, what do you think my new eyeballs?

Carl: And I’m going straight to church.

Janine: Guys, come on. Seriously? Let’s focus up, okay? We got a lot of business to take care of. Okay? Hey, how about this? “Denver City of Angels”?

Ego: That’s Los Angeles.

Janine: Oh my God, are you serious? Oh my god, no.

Bowen: Yeah, that’s famously Los Angeles.

Janine: Don’t be mean to me, okay? I can’t cry because the tears go back inside my head, and my brain will drown.

Boss: Your brain will drown? What are you talking about?

Janine: You know what? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Today, you all put a woman’s body on trial.

Michael: You brought it up.

Janine: You know what? I came in this morning with a lot of great pitches. Pitches like “Denver, City of Angels.” “Denver, Keep Austin weird.”

Boss: You know, we can’t use that.

Janine: So I quit. And I’m leaving not in disgrace, but with dignity, elegance and class. I’m gonna be taking my portfolio with me. [grabs some cake]

Bowen: That’s coffee cake.

Janine: And of course, I will also be taking my jacket. [pulls out the curtain] And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you all a Jew. [Janine walks and hits water cooler] Oh, oh my god. Allen. I didn’t know you were in here. You look amazing. See how easy that was? To pay a compliment to a friend?

Boss: Janine, that’s not a human being. That’s a water cooler.

Janine: I’ll leave you all with this. Life comes at you pretty fast. And if you blink, you just might miss it. And me? well, I’m not gonna miss a thing.

Boss: So, “Denver, if you blink, you will miss it.”

Ego: Yeah, I love that one.

Boss: You like that one?

Dad Prank Video

Ted… Mikey Day

Boss… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a kid making a YouTube video.]

Brandon: What’s up, YouTube. It’s your boy, Brandon. So, I have a corny ass dad.

[He shoots his dad with an airgun.]

Ted: Ouch! Brandon?

Brandon: So, I’ve been pranking him during quarantine, and here are my favorite ones.

[Brandon is putting draw pins on the toilet seat.]

Oh, this is gonna hurt so bad. Put thumb tacks oh his toilet seat.

[Cut to Ted getting in the toilet. He takes the seat. He jumps off and drops his phone.]

Ted: Ah! My phone. Of course, it cracked. Of course, it cracked. [He kneels down to get the pins out of his butt.] Okay. [grunting] More. More. Why so many? Why so many? I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding. And there’s like, four in the toilet. Wonderful.

Brandon: Changed dad’s every contact’s name in his phone to Gigi Hadid.

Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. [phone ringing] Dad, it’s Gigi Hadid.

Ted:  [yelling] You’re laughing and it’s my work. I don’t know who to call because I don’t know their numbers. They all say Gigi Hadid.

Brandon: Why do you hate Gigi Hadid?

Ted: Brandon, I don’t hate Gigi Hadid. I wish her the best.

Brandon: Why do you hate women?

Ted: I don’t hate women.

[Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Bruh. these jump scares tho.

[He puts a scary doll in the cupboard. When his dad opens the cupboard, he gets scared and bumps his head.] [Cut to Ted coming to wake Brandon up.]

Ted: Brandon, wake up. Remote school time. Just because– [When dad takes the blanket off, his son is wearing a scary mask, so he gets scared and jumps away. He falls hard.] [Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Changed his Zoom background before a meeting with his boss.

[Cut to Ted and his boss on Zoom. Ted’s background is a girl in her bikini at the beach.]

Boss: Um, Ted. You mind telling me why your zoom background is a picture of my teenage daughter in a bathing suit?

Ted: I have no idea, Pat.

Boss: Shut up.

Ted: Brandon! I don’t want that there. [pointing at the background]

Boss: Get your finger off of her. Don’t you touch her. You don’t touch her.

Brandon: Thanks for watching. Peace.

Undercover Office Potty

Johnson… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Adam… Chris Redd

Boss… Bill Hader

[Starts with Johnson working in office at his desk. Kyle walks in.]

Kyle: Hey, Johnson. Don’t forget, we need those reports by the end of the day.

Johnson: You got it.

[Johnson starts having stomach problem. He looks at his watch.]

Female voice: Need to go to the bathroom? But you have a lot of work to do. And it’s all the way down the hall.

Johnson: Yes.

Female voice: We’ve all been there before. Why don’t you check your lamp?

Johnson: Huh?

Female voice: Check your lamp.

[Johnson checks his big lamp. The lamp can be opened and there’s a hollow space in the lamp stand.]

Johnson: Whoa!

Female voice: Go ahead. Do you business.

Johnson: What do you mean?

Female voice: Use it as a toilet.

Johnson: Oh, now I get it.

Female voice: Introducing the Undercover Office Potty. The only toilet that looks like a lamp so you can go whenever you want and no one has to know. Just open it up and go to town. It will be our little secret.

[Johnson puts the lamp back]

Johnson: Thanks, Under Cover Office Potty. I did good.

[Kyle walks back in]

Kyle: Hey, Johnson. Did you get around those reports?

Johnson: Yeah. Finished them a while ago. [whispering at the camera] I had plenty of time.

Kyle: Wait, why do you have so many lamps on your desk?

Johnson: Oh. I guess I like a lot of light.

[Kyle smells around]

Kyle: Oh, god! It stinks in here.

Johnson: Well, it wasn’t me. I used the bathroom all the way down the hall.

Kyle: Jesus! I think it’s these lamps.

[Kyle smells the lamp from close]

Holy [bleep], man! It’s definitely these lamps. Oh, my god!

Johnson: [yelling] It smells like regular lamps to me.

Kyle: Hey Adam, get in here.

[Adam walks in smelling around]

Adam: Holy [bleep] .

Johnson: Alright, everybody calm down.

[Adam smells the lamp too.]

Adam: Oh! Um-umm! There’s something wrong with these lamps.

Johnson: Oh, yeah, right. I probably have to get back to work.

Kyle: Dude, did you take [bleep] in your lamps?

Johnson: What? In these lamps? I don’t think so.

Kyle: We gotta do something about this. I’m telling Mr. Anderson.

Johnson: No. Please.

[Boss walks to Johnson’s office. Johnson walks out and closes the door before Boss reaches in.]

Boss: Johnson, this is never easy but your coworkers are complaining about your lamps.

Johnson: But I go to the bathroom all the way down the hall.

Boss: I have to take a look at these lamps.

[Boss walks in]

Oh, my god!

[Boss opens the lamps]

Oh! You lied, Johnson. You went to the bathroom in the lamps. Get them out of here.

Johnson: Yes, sir. Sorry sir.

[Johnson throws all the lamps to the garbage]

Female voice: Let me guess, nosy coworkers caught on to the lamps because you had too many on your desk?

Johnson: Yeah.

Female voice: We’ve got you covered with everyday office items that you can use as a toilet. Introducing the Undercover Office Potty Disguise Supplies. There’s the stapler, the tape dispenser and the automatic pencil sharpener.

[Cut to Johnson in his office with these new supplies. The supplies are too huge of a size. His colleagues walk pass by.]

Johnson: Hey, guys, look. I got rid of the lamps.

Kyle: Why is your tape disperser so massive?

Johnson: Hmm. Because I like a lot of tapes.

[Boss walks in and opens the tape dispenser]

Boss: God! He’s going to the bathroom in his oversized office supplies.
Johnson: But I go to the bathroom down the hall.

Boss: What is wrong with you?

Johnson: I just need–

Boss: [yelling] Why would you do this?

Johnson: The voiceover said it would save time for business.

Boss: What have you been working on?

Johnson: I don’t know. I’ve been too busy going to the bathroom.

Boss: It smells like [bleep] in here.

Johnson: [sobbing] Am I fired?

Boss: Yes!

[Johnson is walking out]

And take that [bleep] with you.

Johnson: Right. Yeah, of course.

[Johnson tries to carry them all at once. He spills all the toilet on the hallway.]

Female voice: Undercover Office Potty. Be gold Be true. Make the bathroom come to you.