Jessica… Vanessa Bayer
Tony… Kyle Mooney
Jerry… Casey Affleck
Bouncer… Kenan Thompson
Bartender… Beck Bennett
Police… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Jessica speaking to her friend at the bar]
Jessica: I’m think I want to go ice skating this year. I haven’t been since I was a kid. And it feels like it’s still fun.
[2 approaches Jessica]
2: Excuse me. This is gonna sound totally crazy but don’t I know you from somewhere?
Jessica: I don’t think so. I have actually never been to Brooklyn. I’m just visiting.
2: It’s just… I can’t believe I’m saying this. I guess there’s something about you, you know? It’s just like, it’s comfortable. Like, a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Hmm.
Jessica: My mom used to make that for me–
Jessica and 2: When I was sick.
2: Yeah. Me too. I’m sorry. What was your name again?
Jessica: Jessica.
2: Jessica, that’s right. I’m Tony. And I’m not rich or nothing. I just volunteer at a home for the elderly. But, um, would you maybe want to– [turns around and speaks to himself loudly] Tony, don’t do this. Do not do this. [looks at Jessica] Would you maybe want to have Christmas eve dinner with me and my family?
Jessica: Oh, Christmas eve dinner. Wow! I mean, Tony, we just met. I don’t really know.
[Jerry walks in]
Jerry: Excuse me, excuse me. I’m so sorry. I- I- I never interrupt people when they’re talking. But I just heard like an angel or something.
Jessica: Oh, me?
Jerry: Oh, wow, yeah. There it goes again. Now, whoof! Listen, I’m Jerry. I know I’m nothing special and I love my little deaf sister. But would you– I can’t believe I’m even standing here. Would you maybe wanna get Christmas dinner with me and my family?
Jessica: Oh, well, that’s nice.
2: Excuse me, Jerry. Um, you keep talking to Ms. Jessica here, it’s going to make me want to do– [talks to himself] Don’t say it, Tony. [looks at Jerry] It’s gonna wanna make me do something like this. [2 pulls out a knife]
Jerry: Oh! Wow! Well, I usually don’t stand up for myself. You know, I usually just let guys walk all over me. But, you know, when I see you do that, it makes me want to do something like this.
[Jerry pulls out a knife too]
Jessica: No! Tony! Jerry!
2: Wow! You know, I usually ain’t like this, but, um, I think I’m going to have to stab you.
[2 stabs Jerry]
Jerry: Oh! Argh! I can’t believe I’m saying this but that really hurt. Now I’m like, bleeding. [talking to himself] Don’t say it, Jerry. Do not say it. But I’m really bleeding.
[Bouncer walks in]
Bouncer: Guys, I can’t believe I’m doing this but, I mean, I’m usually really shy. I guess I’m the bouncer. You know? And it’s stupid but I got to restrain you.
2: Okay.
[Bartender walks in]
Bartender: Hey, fellas. I know it’s none of my business, I mean I normally wouldn’t speak up at a time like this. But I just called 911. You know? And they said they can’t believe that they’re saying this. Don’t say this. But, they’re going to be here very soon.
Jessica: Why are you being shy? This man was just stabbed.
2: hey, Jessica. I know I’m nothing special, but your eyes sparkle like the moonlight.
Jerry: Hang on a second. I know I’m just a simple buy, you know, but my gut says he’s not right for you.
Jessica: Yeah, obviously. Are you okay?
[A police officer walks in]
Police: Oh, I can’t believe I’m gonna ask this, but is this the victim you called about?
All: [crosstalk] Yes.
Police: Okay. And oh, this is totally insane. [talking to herself] Why you doing this, Tracy? but we’re going to pump you with 10 CCs of clotting agent.
Jessica: Um, stay strong Jerry.
Jerry: Oh, Ms. Jessica, I know this might not be the most opportune time, but if you just give me a chance, I think you will find out I’m a pretty fun guy.
Jessica: Of course you are, Jerry.
Police: Excuse me. I know I shouldn’t be interrupting but I think we’re losing him.
Jerry: I know, nobody asked me but I just saw a light and I really just want to walk towards it.
God: This is god. And I can’t believe I’m asking you this but, would you want to join me in the eternity or something?
Jerry: Oh my god! I can’t believe what I’m hearing but, yeah, I would like that very much, god! Ah!
[Jerry dies]
Jessica: Oh, Jerry.
2: I feel so self-conscious. But I can’t help wondering if this whole thing was all my fault.
Jessica: Of course it was.
2: Oh!