Sara Lee

Jake… Bowen Yang

Dylan… Harry Styles

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clip of Sara Lee building]

Dylan: You called me in?

[Cut to the office]

Jake: Hi there, Dylan, have a seat.

Cecily: Dillan, I was just telling Santino—

Jake: Oh, it’s Jake.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Okay, I’m sorry. I was telling him about your work managing the company Instagram here at Sara Lee.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Yeah. And I love representing the brand. People love bread content.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Jake: Yeah, that’s a actually why we brought you in today. Since we flagged some activity on the account that has been a little off message.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Oh. I don’t think so.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, for example, why did Sara Lee comment on this picture [Cut to the Instagram picture of Nick Jonas] of Nick Jonas saying, “Wreck me daddy”? And then comment a month later again with “Destroy me king.”

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Oh, I see what happened. I’ve been mixing up the Sara Lee Instagram with my personal Instagram account?

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Mm-hmm, we figured. And Sara Lee has also been obsessed with this random guy with only 200 followers.

Jake: For him, Sara Lee commented [Cut to Instagram picture of a random guy] with a few egg plants, water drops, a train and a ghost emoji.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And that’s a reference to—

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Getting railed to death. Yes.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Jake: See, the worst part is this guy didn’t even like Sara Lee’s comment. And that’s really bad for the brand.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I didn’t notice.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, I think you did. Because three hours later [Cut to Instagram picture of a random guy] Sara Lee commented, “Shy no response?”

Jake: Again, really bad for the brand.

Cecily: If Nick Jonas won’t like Sara Lee’s comment, fine. But some random fashion twink?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Yeah. Sara Lee’s feelings were hurt by that. It’s okay though.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Well, the other component to this is you’ve been captioning the company’s images with your own voice too.

[Cut to everybody]

Jake: Here’s this one.

Cecily: So you should have written something like, [Cut to Cecily and Jake] “Sara Lee fact. Our Texas toast is part of delicious grilled cheese.”

Jake: But what Sara Lee actually captioned was, “Feeling really depressed after threesome. What was supposed to be a fantasy ended up more rejection. Must get rid of Toxic in community.”

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And were there typos in that?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I don’t think so. But Sara Lee wrote that at 4 in the morning while he was still on Poppers High.

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: And was that also the case for this photo of our cheesecake?

Jake: How about you read this one.

Dylan: “A little moody after being used. Why do guys freak out when I ask them to spit in my mouth? Need a real king that can handle. It’s 8 am and I have to go to hell job Sara Lee. Little in my head after another threesome.

[Cut to everybody]

Jake: We think it would be healthy if Sara Lee stopped having threesomes.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: I know. It’s okay though.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: You keep telling us it’s okay, but it really, really isn’t.

Jake: Yeah, Dillan, I’m very disappointed. I passed down the Instagram to you because I thought it would be in good hands.

Cecily: Well, now that explains these posts from before Dylan started working here.

Jake: Oh! Oh, yes, I did write this, “Security downstairs stopped letting people into harness party at Sara Lee office. We have to do better. Must get rid of Toxic in the community.”

Cecily: Wow. Well, you’ve both done severe damage to Sara Lee’s image. So, this is your first warning.

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Thank you. Full honesty, today Sara Lee DM’d Shawn Mendes saying “Check out my special holiday promotion.”

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: And what was that promotion?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: A picture of my open throat.

[Cut to Cecily and Jake]

Cecily: Okay, second warning.

Hungry Jury

Joe… Kristen Sterwart

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

[Starts with jury deciding the case]

Joe: Okay, well, that’s six votes for innocent and six votes for guilty.

Cecily: Great, so we’re still deadlocked?

Aidy: Dammit. We are never getting out of here.

Cecily: I know.

Kate: How does anybody still think this guy is innocent?

Kenan: Well, I bet you’d understand if he was a white man.

Kyle: And here we go with the race card.

Joe: Okay guys, can we please not go there again?

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right. Judge wants to know if you’re close to a verdict.

Aidy: No. We’re still deliberating and I’m starving.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Yeah, actually we haven’t eaten yet. If we can get some food, that’d be great!

[Cut to Bailiff]

Bailiff: Okay, I’m not a waiter. I’m a Bailift. Just let me know when ya’ll are done.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Did he say “Bailift” with a “T”?

[Cut to Heidi, Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: Who cares, my friggin’ stomach is literally doing flips right now.

Heidi: Yeah, mine too.

Ego: Okay, well, sorry. If a man’s freedom is getting in the way of your dinner plans.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You know that’s not what she meant.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: All I’m saying is if the defendant was white, you might have believed his story.

Ego: He’s right.

[Cut to Mikey and Joe]

Mikey: Oh, come on, race has nothing to do with this.

Joe: Oh, okay, but—

[Stomach growling] [Cut to Kate]

Kate: Whoa. What was that?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Sorry, that was actually my stomach.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Damn. That was loud.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: And I told you my stomach is upset. I got to eat something.

[Cut to Ego and Kenan]

Ego: How can you say race has something to do with this? They pulled him over without cause.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: He was speeding. [Stomach growling] Sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Do you want a tums or something, Joe?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: No, I want a meal.

[Cut to Heidi and Ego]

Heidi: Okay, but what about that last witness?

[Cut to everybody]

Mikey: Oh, she was clearly lying.

Alex: She changed her story, like three times.

[Cut to Joe] [Stomach growling] [Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Are you sure you’re okay?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: That one wasn’t me.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: I’m sorry. I think that was my stomach that time.

Ego: Why would that witness have any reason to lie?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Exactly. It doesn’t make any—[Stomach growling] Ooh. I guess I’m a little hungry too.

Kate: Do you need a tums?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: Oh, we really need to get out of here.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Aidy: If I don’t get to eat something soon, I swe—[Stomach growling] and that one was mine again.

Kenan: Well, could you please quiet your stomach up?

Aidy: Obviously not.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe: It’s involuntary, okay?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: So, just take a tums.

Cecily: You know what? [Stomach growling] Oh, I will take one of your tums, actually.

Kate: Oh, I don’t have any tums.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan]

Kenan: Why did you keep offering them?

[Cut to Cecily and Kate]

Kate: I was offering advice.

[Stomach growling]

Cecily: Sorry.

[Stomach growling] [Cut to Joe]

Joe: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Aidy, Ego and Kenan] [Stomach growling]

Aidy: Pardon me.

[Cut to everybody] [Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Beck: All right. Does anybody want to change their vote?[Stomach growling][Stomach growling] Anybody?

Chris: [Singing] I’m just a bachelor

[Stomach growling][Stomach growling][Stomach growling]

Come on, man, y’all can’t hear that?

Kate: Hear what?

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan. Ego is dancing on the sound of Stomach Growling.]

Joe: Okay, fine, I’ll change my vote.

Ego: Then, I change my vote too.

Heidi: What? That just brings us back to a deadlock again.

Ego: I know, but I want to hear the rest of this song.

I’m just a bachelor looking for a partner.

Kenan: Looking for a problem.

Aidy: Okay, please stop. This is embarrassing.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Someone who knows how to ride.

Chris: Okay, you know this song too Darrel?

Kyle: Of course I do, it’s by Magic Mike.

[Cut to Heidi, Ego, Aidy and Kenan]

Kenan: Magic Mike? Man, it’s Ginuwine.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle: Who the heck is Genuine?

[Cut to everybody]

Ego: He said Ginuwine.

[The Bailiff walks in]

Bailiff: All right, y’all better be ready– oh, this is my jam.

[Cut to Alex, Joe and Mikey]

Joe: Oh, not you too.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris: Yo! Let’s just hit the chorus.

Everybody: If you’re horny let’s do it ride it my pony