Tag: Bowen Yang

Nail Salon

Greg… Bowen Yang

Nina… Ana de Armas

Greg: I can’t believe you talked me into coming into a nail salon.

Nina: Greg, stop. Men get their nails done all the time.

Greg: Well, I’m not like other men, Nina.

Heidi: We’re ready for you two. I love when we get couples in here. Screw those gender roles. Now what color are we gonna paint you?

Greg: I don’t know. Something low-key. Like, maybe tan or nude or nothing?

Nina: Okay, come on. Don’t do this. You promised.

Greg: Things are different now, Nina. Okay? Because as of yesterday, I’m the holder of the Guinness world record for the world’s longest fingernails.

Nina: Greg, you said you will cut them right after they measured you and gave you your certificate.

Greg: Well, I made that promise before I knew what it felt like to hold the record. Okay? I can’t cut them after one day of being famous.

Nina: I am tired of living like this, Greg. It’s embarrassing.

Greg: No. You know what would be embarrassing if I showed up to the gala, the But world famous Guinness World Record world gala with short nails.

Heidi: So the water is getting cold in the petty-

Greg: That’d be like, if the world’s tallest man showed up and he cut off his legs.

Heidi: So have we landed on a colo-

Greg: I don’t want color. I want Regina craft and yellow, ribbons of crumbling cuticles. God, no one understands me.

Nina: What about me, Greg? Where is my certificate? I deserve a Guinness World Record for wiping your butt for 12 years.

Greg: You act like I’ve never tried to wipe myself. I did once and almost die.

Nina: You promised me. You promise me you were gonna cut your nails, learn Wonderwall on the guitar and do hand stuff to me for the first time.

Greg: I never said that.

Nina: Yes, you did. I have an on voice memo.

Greg on voice memo: As soon as I get this world record, I’m gonna cut these nails, learn Wonderwall on guitar and do hand stuff to you. Now what time are you getting home? I need you to wipe me.

Greg: Oh, who am I without my nails, Nina? I should have never come to this nail salon. I should have never moved to Seattle. And I should have never married you.

Nina: Oh, okay. Well if that’s how you feel, I’m taking my ring back.

Greg: Oh, go on. Fine. Take it then. Take it. Go on. Go. Take it then. Go. Keep going. Yeah, go. Go. Go on. Go on. Now. Take it.

Nina: Okay.

Greg: I’m out of here, boo.

Nina: Greg! Greg!

Heidi: So there is a cancellation fee.

[Greg is running fast in the jungle. Chloe comes to him]

Chloe:I know what you are.

Greg: Say it out loud. Say it.

Chloe: That guy from the Guinness Book of World Records with the world’s longest fingernails.

Greg: Are you afraid? Are you not? Oh no, you cracked my fingernail. Oh, now these look gross.

Nina: I can’t believe he left for real.

Heidi: Oh, don’t worry, Mama. I see this all the time. Men just need an identity. If it’s meant to be, he’ll come back.

Greg: I’m back. And I cut my nails. And you know what that means?

Nina: You wiped your butt.

Greg: Hand stuff.

Heidi: Whoo! Screw those gender roles.

First Warm Day of the Year Red Carpet Cold Open

Dana Banes… Heidi Gardner

Jace L. Rio… Bowen Yang

Male voice: Live from Central Park, it’s the First Warm day Of the Year Arrivals Show.

Dana: Well folks, it’s mid April here in New York City. And the temperature hit 90 degrees this week, a full two months ahead of schedule. And while that may be terrifying on a climate level, the warm weather can only mean one thing. All the freaks, crazies and weirdos are heading to Central Park. And we’re expecting to see some iconic Park People today, aren’t we Jace?

Jace: We sure are, Dana. The mood here is electric. The smell of Halal food and horse manure is in the air. As I see, yes, I think it’s him. An absolute icon of the park, it’s an older man doing an aggressive power walk.

Mikey: Hi there.

Jace: First, dish on this outfit.

Mikey: Certainly. I’m wearing the tightest spandex shirt of all time. Little shorts and a weird Heart Rate Monitor strapped my arm.

Jace: Iconig. Can you give us a little preview of your walk?

Mike: Absolutely. [Mike starts walking around Jace] Behind you. Behind you. Behind you. On your left. Behind you. And there it is.

Jace: Wow. Gorgeous. Dana.

Dana: Well, Jace, I am starstruck right now as I am joined by not one but two perverts who came to the park to pleasure themselves.

Michael: Nice to be out of the subway.

Dana: I bet. Excited for the big day?

James: Oh, yeah, I got my modesty blanket and my binoculars. So I’m good to go.

Dana: Where should the police been looking for you?

Michael: Oh, come on, you know what to find your boys. In the bushes, baby.

Dana: Any new techniques this year?

James: Oh, just one. [He takes his real hand out of the coat. The hand in his pocket is a fake one.]

Dana: Oh my god. Is that a fake arm?

James: Yeah, yeah, it’s a fake arm.

Dana: Wow. Shame on you both. Jace?

Jace: Well, we were hoping she’d make an appearance. It’s a woman learning to rollerblade.

Molly: Yeah, I’ve always wanted to learn and I thought what better place than on a crowded pathway filled with thousands of people?

Jace: Horrible plan. Let’s see what you got.

Molly: Here I go. Oh, my God. [she falls down]

Jace: And she fell right away. Dana?

Dana: Well, look who I found, two have central parks finest, park employees who do not care about their job. How are you guys feeling?

Devon: We are very high right now. Yeah. Thank you for asking.

Dana: Amazing. Any warnings for those who violate park rules?

Punkie: You do you?

Dana: Inspiring words. Jace, I hear you spotted an absolute legend.

Jace: Well, I hope she’ll stop to talk. It’s a lady trying to tell someone where she is.

Ego: [on phone] Well, I don’t see you, bitch. Bitch, I’m right where I said I’d be. By the big tree. The big tree near the bridge. [walks out]

Jace: Oh, just Mr. Dana.

Dana: He is back. It’s a grown man with a drone who’s alone.

Andrew: Hey there.

Dana: And you won’t be filming girls laying out sunbathing, will you?

Andrew: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Nah.

Dana: I don’t believe you. Now, Jace, this guy is bad. But I hear you’re with one of the worst park people of all.

Jace: I sure am. It’s a guy with the clipboard who wants to know if you have a second for a good cause? Now people absolutely hate you. Can you tell us why?

Marcello: Well, I think it’s because I zero in on folks trying to enjoy themselves and pester them for money.

Jace: Absolutely. Can we see that in action?

Marcello: You bet. [Mikey walks in] Hey, cool shirt.

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Marcello: Hey, come on. If you have a second for a good cause.

Mikey: I already donated.

Marcello: Come on, it’s two seconds.

Mikey: I’ve already done this before.

Jace: What an absolute pain in the ass. Dana.

Dana: It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s crazy man with the microphone.

Kenan: Good to be back for another year.

Dana: And I see you brought a lady friend with you?

Kenan: Yes, I sure did. This woman will be debating the nonsense that I scream as if I’m a rational man whose mind can be changed.

Dana: Can we get a preview?

Kenan: Oh of course.

Sarah: Our pleasure.

Kenan: Big Pharma created the Coronavirus.

Sarah: That is baloney.

Kenan: I got herpes from 5g.

Sarah: It is not even possible.

Kenan: So something like that.

Dana: Wow. I can’t tell who annoys me more. Jace?

Jace: Well, we’ve been waiting for her to arrive. It’s wealthy woman and child. And I got to ask, what’s the plan today?

Chloe: Well I’m taking Riley here to the playground where I’ll snap into an immediate panic if I lose sight of him for even one second. [the boy is missing already] Riley? [yelling] Riley?

Jace: Oh no.

[Ego walks in still talking on the phone]

Ego: Well, I still don’t see you. You know what? I’m done looking for your bitch. You come find me. I’ll be on the grass in a red bikini getting my ass some sun.

Jace: Well, we’ve got plenty more park people coming up including a woman with a giant out of control dog and a performance by some a whole playing an acoustic guitar. Keep it here and live-

Ego: I see you right now. Okay girl, I’m coming.

Jace and Dana: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Sally O’Malley- Jonas Brothers

Ross… Kenan Thompson

Gretel… Chloe Fineman

Bowen… Bowen Yang

Sally O’Malley… Molly Shannon

[Starts with a group of ladies dancing. Ross walks in]

Ross: Okay, okay, sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt girls. Take a break. Gretel, Bowen, come on, we need to talk.

Bowen: Oh, hey, what’s up Ross?

Ross: Well, as the Jonas Brothers manager, part of my job is to deliver bad news. The boys want to hire new choreographer.

Gretel: You can’t fire us. We invented Joe bro choreo.

Bowen: Yeah, I gave Nick his head bop. He used to go side to side, and I told him to go up and down with a finger shimmy.

Ross: Be that as it may, the boys feel that they’re not a teenybopper band anymore. And they’re about to start their Vegas residency,so they want a more mature stage act.

Bowen: Mature? Who Do they think can do that?

Ross: It’s hard to describe, easier to see. Let her in.

[Sally O’Malley walks in]

Sally O’Malley: My name is Sally O’Malley. I’m 50 years old. Not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell a real age. And I like to kick, stretch and kick. I’m 50. 50 years old. 50 years old.

Ross: That’s right. The boys were visiting their grandmother and she took them to her senior centers production of Annie, and Sally here was scarring and she rocked their world. And they don’t want to fire anybody. They were just hoping that, you know, you could let Sally add a little something.

Bowen: Okay, Sally, what little something do you think you could add?

Sally O’Malley: Top five decades of Dirty Dancing and red panting. I got half a century of sizzlin, my lady schnitzel. Nothing wrong with that. Being a woman. The Grand Canyon’s got nothing on me.

Bowen: You know, I’ve engineered my entire life so I would never have to see what I just saw. And Russell, are you sure she’s 50?

Sally O’Malley: Honey, I’ve been 50 since before you was born.

Ross: Can you please just gave it a try? The boys feel that Sally represents who they are now.

Gretel: Do they? Then tell us who you are Sally.

Sally O’Malley: Listen, I’m a choo choo Charlie and a class act.

Bowen: Russell, I love you. I just think the Jonas Brothers are making a huge mistake.

Joe Jonas: Oh, is that what you think, huh?

Sally O’Malley: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Neil, Kalvin and John.

Nick Jonas: Yeah, Nick, Joe and Kevin. And we came by because we the feeling they may not understand your new concept. So I wanted to show him.

[The Jonas brothers open their clothes, and inside they’re wearing similar outfit to Sally O’Malley.]

Sally O’Malley: You looking good boys. Now put some bonus in your Jonas. Now hit it Russell.

[music playing]

Hip, hip
arms, arms
now kick, stretch
kick, stretch, kick, stretch

Bowen: Wait a second. Wait a second. Oh my god. I am so sorry I ever doubted you, Sally. I see it now. You’re gonna put the boys on stage in packed stadiums around the world and they’re gonna..

Joe: Kick.

Kevin: Stretch.

Nick: And jump.

Sally O’Malley: Jump? Neil, you’re fired.

Joe: Wait a second, Sally. You can take his place.

Kevin: Yeah, that’s a great idea. Do you know any of her songs?

Sally O’Malley: Absolutely not. I’m 50 years old. 50.

Midwife

Mrs. Murphy… Heidi Gardner

Barry… Bowen Yang

Dr. Rogers… Quinta Brunson

Mrs. Alison… Chloe Fineman

Dr. Rogers: Okay, Mrs. Murphy your contractions are 30 seconds apart. This baby is coming.

Mrs. Murphy: But I’m not due for another two weeks.

Dr. Rogers: Don’t worry, Mrs. Murphy. I know it’s scary but listen to me and breathe.

Mrs. Murphy: What about my midwife?

Ego: He’s on his way. Okay.

Mrs. Murphy: Thank god, we had planned for an at home birth. I need him here.

Dr. Rogers: Deep breath, Mrs. Murphy.

Barry: Excuse me, excuse me, clear a path, clear a path. I’m the midwife.

Mrs. Murphy: Barry, Thank God. Dr. Rogers. This is my midwife, Barry.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, okay. Nice to meet you, Barry.

Barry: Actually, we’ve met.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, I’m sorry. Of course then it’s nice to see you. Okay, so she’s already dilated 10 centimetercm. We need to move fast.

Barry: Do you remember meeting me? It’s not a test. I’m just curious. I’m genuinely curious.

Dr. Rogers: Okay, she’s crowning.

Mrs. Murphy: I feel like I’m gonna faint.

Barry: Here honey, sip this sweet ginger kombucha. We met at Danielle’s barbecue.

Ego: Can you just please ask her about this later?

Barry: No, for sure. For sure. But it was the barbecue before the Macklemore concert.

Dr. Rogers: Macklemore? So what we met like in 2012 one time? Okay, Barry. I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with this right now.

Barry: Oh, really? Then how come while you were being defensive I was delivering this baby?

[Three years later]

Dr. Rogers: Push, Mrs. Alison. Push.

Mrs. Alison: Ah! Is my midwife here yet?

Barry: Clear path, clear path? That’s Barry, the midwife.

Mrs. Alison: That’s him. Thank god.

Dr. Rogers: Oh, Barry. It’s nice to see you again.

Barry: Again? Oh, have we met?

Dr. Rogers: Are you serious?

Barry: Yeah. I’ve never seen it before in my life.

Dr. Rogers: I promise you have we met at this hospital in this exact room.

Barry: Okay, what is the purpose of this? To embarrass me? We’ve never met. Girl, respect yourself.

Mrs. Alison: What’s going on?

Ego: Don’t worry. I’ll explain. So Barry is pretending to not remember Dr. Rogers because three years ago she didn’t remember meeting him at a barbecue.

Dr. Rogers: Yes. Before Macklemore concert.

Barry: Macklemore? So we met like in 2012 one time? Throwback. You really remember me? I’m curious as to why. Anyway, while you were being Dr. Gaslight, I was delivering this baby.

[14 years earlier]

Dr. Rogers: Thanks for having us at your barbecue, Danielle, the grill master Acker.

Danielle: No problem. I wish you could come to the Macklemore concert later.

Dr. Rogers: I can’t. I have work. That’s why I’m dressed like this.

Barry: Clear path, clear path for Barry the hungry midwife.

Dr. Rogers: Hi,, I’m Jill. Nice to meet you.

Barry: It’s nice to meet you, too. Wow. I love your hair. I’ve always wanted to do long.

Dr. Rogers: Really? I don’t think that’s a good idea. I wouldn’t recognize you if I saw you again in the future.

Barry: Ha-ha, is that a threat?

[17 years after the barbecue and Macklemore concert]

Dr. Rogers: Mrs. Murphy, long Time no see. I can’t believe this is baby number two.

Mrs. Murphy: I know life happens so fast. Oh, and this is my midwife. You guys remember each other, right?

Barry: Actually, we do. I’m so sorry, Dr. Rogers. I owe you an apology. I pretended not to remember you because you didn’t remember me. And it made me so furious.

Dr. Rogers: I’m sorry, Barry. I felt so bad that I didn’t remember you. It made me feel embarrassed.

Barry: Are you serious? I was pretty emotional jerk.

Jeff: Oh my god. Did we miss it? Barry, Dr. Rogers, this is my husband and my first daughter Kayla. You delivered her.

Dr. Rogers: Hi, Kayla.

Barry: Nice to meet you.

Kayla: Actually, we’ve met.

Barry and Dr. Rogers: Well then, it’s nice to see you, okay?

Bridesmaid Cult Documentary

Dr. Greg Lawrence… James Austin Johnson

Riley Dibiase Lowell… Heidi Gardner

Brittany Reynolds… Ego Nwodim

Naomi Daniels… Quinta Brunson

Josh Chan-Moy… Bowen Yang

Riley Dibiase… Sarah Sherman

Vanessa Cutchin… Punkie Johnson

Michelle… Molly Kearney

Riley Dibiase Lowell: It all started with a box on my doorstep.

Brittany Reynolds: And a note with a question.

Naomi Daniels: I just got this feeling that it wasn’t the kind of question you could say no to.

Riley Dibiase: Will you…

Vanessa Cutchin: Be my…

Riley Dibiase Lowell: Bridesmaid.

Male voice: From the people who brought you ‘Keep Sweet’, ‘Wild Wild Country’ and ‘the Nexium Documentary,’ comes a harrowing new cult story ‘I was a bridesmaid.’

Dr. Greg Lawrence: Each year more than 6 million women fall into this type of cut. They prey on vulnerable groups like college roommates and sisters in law.

Riley Dibiase Lowell: They sell you on the big day. I thought it was a one day commitment. But for 18 months, I was fully sucked in.

Brittany Reynolds: I mean, there was an email chain a group text, DMS, a whole last conversation in the comments on Venmo.

Naomi Daniels: That sent a 200 question poll about customized shirts. We ended up going with bride tribe.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: These cults also target another vulnerable group. -Outgoing gay men.

Josh Chan-Moy: I’ve been a bridesmaid at nine weddings this year. Whenever a girl starts calling me sis, I know I’m in trouble.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The Bachelorette Party is the first major ritual. Almost always in Nashville.

Riley Dibiase: I tried to say I couldn’t afford to go because my student loans. The maid of honor texted back “No worries” with the sparkle emoji. I knew what that meant. I sold my car to make it happen.

Naomi Daniels: At first, I thought that the bride was in charge. But it was the woman under her, the maid of honor, Michelle.

Vanessa Cutchin: Michelle was a sociopath.

Michelle: Attention. First, we’re going to be getting up at 6am for a sunrise pole dancing fitness class. Then we’re going to be renting a nine person party bike. We’re going to be drinking, drinking, drinking.

Brittany Reynolds: You know what? I’m actually not feeling that good. So I might meet you guys later.

Chloe: That’s okay. [smiles at Brittany Reynolds, but then looks at Michelle looking disappointed]

Michelle: Hey, Brittany, can we talk for a sec?

[Michelle is having serious discussion with Brittany Reynolds]

Josh Chan-Moy: I don’t have many memories from the bachelorette trip. Because I was drugged by myself. I had no choice. These women were terrorizing every gay bar in town.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: As with all cults, there is a financial element.

Naomi Daniels: I spent $300 on a bridesmaid’s dress, the bride store I find other times to wear it. Like, where am I going that calls for a floor length light blue chiffon gown with a modest neckline? Nowhere.

Riley Dibiase: Then the bridal shower, more money, more gifts. There was all this penis stuff, sashes straws. Everyone acted like it was hilarious. I didn’t understand.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The penis stuff is it’s very funny. I will say that.

Riley Dibiase Lowell: And finally it was time for the big day.

Riley Dibiase: I was separated from my boyfriend and given a new partner. The groom’s cousin Donny who was inexplicably 61.

Josh Chan-Moy: Final ritual was the most demeaning. We had to write and perform original lyrics to Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

[singing]

Naomi Daniels: And then, all of a sudden it was over. But I just got engaged. Don’t worry, I’m going to be such a chill bride.

Bosses

Murphy… Bowen Yang

Janet… Chloe Fineman

Reynold… Molly Kearney

Daniel… Sarah Sherman

Benson… Quinta Brunson

Heather… Heather Gardner

Murphy: So Janet, how’s your first month here been?

Janet: Oh, it’s been great. I’m so happy to be working here.

Reynold: Well, we’re lucky to have you.

Janet: But I don’t want to make this a big deal. I think Daniels has been kind of weird with me.

Murphy: Oh, Daniel is our top salesman, really? He’s always been cool to me.

Janet: You’re right. It’s probably nothing. Forget I said anything.

Daniel: Hey, Murphy. How’re ya? How are the kids?

Murphy: They’re good, Daniel. Just sent my eldest off to Penn State.

Daniel: oh gosh, that must be hard on the old bank account. [laughing] And Reynold, we’e hitting the links later on what, buddy?

Reynold: Five on the dot, Daniel.

Daniel: Looking forward to it. And Simmons, [suddenly starts acting weird] Big butt. Whoo! Setting off the penis alarm. [suddenly acting normal] And Murphy, you got that reported to me by Monday or what?

Murphy: Absolutely Daniel.

Daniel: Alright, that’s great. Oh and before I forget guys, we got a company wide Zoom meeting at six where I’ll be zooming in on those boobies. Computer enhance, engaging X ray vision. It said we have nipples. And Murphy, listen, that Turner file’s not gonna file itself, alright? See you guys.

Janet: You guys saw that, right?

Murphy: Saw what?

Janet: Daniels when he talks to me, he did like an impression of a sex computer.

Murphy: I thought he was just being goofy. But hey, I’m old school.

Reynold: You know, if you’re having a problem with him, you can always talk to Benson.

Janet: Benson? Really?

Murphy: Oh, yeah, totally. He’s been here forever. He just gets it out. Speak of the devil.

Benson: Well, lookie here, all of my favorite people?

Reynold: How are you?

Murphy: Benson?

Benson: Guys, I want to thank you again for showing up to my granddaughter’s food drive. It meant the world.

Reynold: Anything for you, Benson.

Benson: We fed 500 families in need because of you guys. I mean, Simmons. I know it meant the world to my granddaughter that you brought those.

Janet: Those what?

Benson: Well, those big old buttered yams. Ooh. What I would to jump off a diving board and cannonball and do that cleavage. Help! I’m drowning, but don’t save me. I want to die in there. All right, gang. If you need anything, anything at all, please just give me a call. I’d do anything for you guys. I’d even adopt those gorgeous two twins and raise them in a hotel like Zach and Cody. Alright, duty calls. I’ll catch you guys later.

Reynold: Love you, man.

Janet: Okay, you guys notice that right?

Reynold: I mean, I want to say yes so you don’t feel crazy, but I didn’t notice anything.

Janet: How?

Murphy: Oh, can we make something out of nothing today?

Janet: This is insane.

Heather: Janet. Hey, I’m Heather from HR. I heard you down the hall. And if anyone here has been making you uncomfortable, we will handle it right now in a company wide meeting.

Janet: Thank you.

Heather: But first we have a musical performance from the penis brothers.

[Benson and Daniel walk in dancing]

Daniel: Come on, ya’all.

Benson: This one goes out to our two favorite ladies.

Daniel: Simmons, ya’ll.

Murphy: Oh my god, the penis brothers!

Heather: The moment you’ve all been waiting for, the brothers bongo boob experience.

[Benson and Daniel are hitting on Janet’s breasts like they’re bongo]

Janet: How is that making that sound?

Daniel: Hey Murphy, you got that file for me or what?

Murphy: I do, Daniel. By the way, I got an email from corporate and you’re both fired.

Benson and Daniel: Makes sense.

The Parent Trap

Bowen Yang

Jenna Ortega

Raymond… Fred Armisen

Bowen: We’re so excited to be doing this remake of “The Parent Trap.” As you know, we found someplace to update the original but the scene in the cabin when Hallie and Annie realized they’re twins is such a classic. We just wanted to leave it as it was.

Jenna: I love that. I totally agree. This is so special. I’m just really glad to be here.

Bowen: Us too. Obviously, since you’re playing both twins, we’ll film you twice, combine the two images into one. Today, you’ll be Hallie in the scenes. And since your body double is out sick, We’re going to have one of our crew guy Raymond read with you, okay?

Raymond: Yeah, hey. You know, you can just call me, right? This is gonna be fun. I think I get the gist.

Bowen: Okay, great. So let’s start with the sequence where Hallie and Annie are having a little disagreement over whether it’s bedtime or not. Okay? You can just head your thoughts and we’ll get started. All right. Okay, great. And Action.

[Raymond turns off the light]

Raymond: Off.

Jenna: On.

Raymond: Off.

Jenna: On.

Raymond: Turn them off.

Jenna: You are so annoying.

Raymond: And I’m starting to think you’re a real bitch.

Bowen: Okay, cut. Sorry, I don’t think the script said bitch.

Raymond: Yeah, sorry about that. I did a little off the cuff thing. You know, like you do on Curb. You guys watch Curb? I love Curb.

Jenna: Maybe someone else wants to read the lines? Like the ones that are in the script?

Bowen: Don’t worry. We’re never gonna see him in the movie. So it doesn’t really matter what he says.

Raymond: I have an idea. Should I go to the toilet at some point and she gets mad. No, that could be funny. Like her twin is always on the toilet?

Bowen: Are you asking that because you need to go to the bathroom now or-?

Raymond: Well, I think my character might. But you’re the director.

Bowen: Right? Okay, let’s just move on to the next day. Okay, so just as a reminder, it’s stormed outside, so your belongings got wet. And now you’re talking about the window, getting to know each other. Okay. All right. And action.

Jenna: Oh, no.

Raymond: Oh, are any of your pictures ruined?

Jenna: I mean, only the beautiful Shawn Mendes.

Raymond: Wow, he is hot. You know who I like? Lisa Rinna. I would let her wreck me.

Jenna: Okay, I don’t really know what to do here.

Bowen: Okay, let’s just move on to the Oreo scene. You’re wanting. You’re realizing you have a lot in common. Okay, and go.

Jenna: Wanna eat some Oreos? It may sound weird, but I eat them with peanut butter.

Raymond: Well, F* me, so do I.

Jenna: Wow. No way. I wonder what else we have in common?

Raymond: You like Schlitz? Schlitz beer?

Jenna: What? No. Anyway. How old are you?

Raymond: 56. Oh, for this? 11. My birthday is in October.

Jenna: Me too.

Raymond: This is tripping me out. Let’s see if we have a picture of our parents that was ripped in half to see if we’re twins.

Bowen: Nope. Nope. Not there yet. But good enough. Let’s just jump ahead to where Hallie is pacing, putting it all together. You’re both up for this. Okay. Yeah. And action.

Jenna: I mean, think about it. I only have a father and you only have a mother.

Raymond: Oh, yeah.

Jenna: You’ve never seen your dad and I’ve never seen my mom.

Raymond: So you think we’re twins or not yet?

Jenna: You have one old picture of your mom and I have one old picture of my dad.

Raymond: Yeah, like in that Lindsey Lohan movie about the twins.

Jenna: But at least yours is probably a whole picture.

Raymond: A whole picture? You’re 11. Don’t look at those.

Jenna: My pictures just a pathetic little thing right down the middle.

Bowen: Okay, and now you both run to get your halves of the picture.

Jenna: Here it is. A picture of my dad.

Raymond: Okay. I got mine.

Jenna: On the count of three. We’ll show them to each other. Okay?

Raymond: Okay.

Both: 1, 2, 3. Wow. Leslie Mann and Ed Helms. Is this for streaming?

Jenna: So if your mom is my mom, and my dad is your dad and we’re both born on October 11, than you and I are like sisters?

Raymond: Jesus, Hallie, we’re freaking twins.

Jenna: Annie

Raymond: Oh my god. Wow. I’m like trying now.

Jenna: This is amazing.

Raymond: So they just split us up? Why would they do that to us? We got to kill them.

Jenna: There’s two of us.

Raymond: We work together, we could kill them. I’m kidding, I love you.

Bowen: And cut. Wow that was it. Thank you both for those performances. I’m blown away. This is going to be a hit and I’ll see you both at the premiere.

Oscars Red Carpet Cold Open

Mario Lopez… Marcello Hernandez

Maria Menounos… Heidi Gardner

Mike Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Jamie Lee Curtis… Chloe Fineman

Colin Farrell… Mikey Day

Brandon Gleason… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Maria Menounos: Hello and welcome back to the  Oscars Red Carpet Pre Show.

Mario Lopez: I’m the man inside your hotel TV who tells you what the movies are, Mario Lopez.

Maria Menounos: And either Maria Menounos or Kit Hoover, they haven’t told me what yet.

Mario Lopez: And you’re about to watch the 95th Annual Academy Awards sponsored by Ozempic.

Maria Menounos: Ozempic, I guess everyone in Hollywood has diabetes.

Mario Lopez: And we are so excited to have been standing outside the Dolby Theatre for almost 153 hours.

Maria Menounos: We have not slept or use the bathroom. Our only food is a handful of sardines that they throw at us like we’re seals at the zoo.

Mario Lopez: But it’s all worth it to ask Angela Bassett if she really did the thing.

Maria Menounos: Oops, we almost forgot every 30 seconds we have to do a few awkward pan downs to women’s feed. Here we go.

[cut to videos of women’s lower halves walking in the red carpet]

Mario Lopez: Everyone needed to see that.

Maria Menounos: Now last year the Oscars had the slap which was awesome. I mean bad, so bad.

Mario Lopez: We hated all the attention.

Maria Menounos: So this year to make sure nothing crazy happens, the Academy hired a new head of security notoriously calm and same person, Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson: Oh, my goodness. Oh wow, thank you. Oh my goodness, that’s so nice of you. Thank you so much. I’m ready to handle the proceedings judiciously and expeditiously. But I should warn you, the following things will set me off. Clapping, statues of gold people and shows that lasts more than two hours. And also hearing the phrase “the magic of movies.”

Mario Lopez: And are there any new security measures in place?

Mike Tyosn: Oh, well, thank you for that question, Mario Luigi. Yes. This year all the nominees have been given tasers. All the seat fillers have been given guns. And Jimmy Kimmel has been given the flame thrower.

Maria Menounos: And not that we’re hoping for this, but are you worried at all that Will Smith is planning a second attack?

Mike Tyson: Yes, we are taking that threat very seriously. Luckily, we were able to slip one of those Apple air tags into Will Smith pocket. So we know exactly where he’ll be at all time. Unless of course he changed his pants and then he could be anywhere. So stay frosty everybody. Stay frosty.

Maria Menounos: Oh-oh, I’m legit scared.

Mario Lopez: And now of course, the show has faced a lot of complaints about a lack of diversity. But remember, Oscar turns 95 this year.

Maria Menounos: So, if you think about how racist and sexist your grandpa was at 95, by comparison, Oscar is looking pretty darn good.

Mario Lopez: And oh my gosh, speaking of looking good, it’s first time nominee for best supporting actress, Jamie Lee Curtis.

Jamie Lee Curtis: I mean, seriously, how great is this? I sold yogurt that made you poop and now I’m nominated?

Mario Lopez: Now, you have been refreshingly down to earth this whole award season. Who are you wearing tonight?

Jamie Lee Curtis: Kirkland by Costco.

Maria Menounos: Jamie, you’ve also been so vocally supportive of all your fellow nominees.

Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, because these actresses rule. Cate Blanchett, are you kidding me? She is so- Am I allowed to curse?

Mario Lopez: No.

Jamie Lee Curtis: She is so hot. And Tar? Oh my god. Tar was iconic, vivacious, carnivorous, queer, vague, confusing, long, partially in German and it was hands down the funniest movie of the year. And can I say one more thing?

Mario Lopez: I think you’re gonna.

Jamie Lee Curtis: What Ariana DeBose did at the Baptist was fun. It was by far the best live rat performance I’ve seen all year. It was incredible.

Mario Lopez: Well, good luck and have fun tonight. Oh no, I’m on my way home. It’s way past mommy’s bedtime.

Maria Menounos: Oh, I just love her. Now, one group that doesn’t traditionally watch the Oscars are Degenerate Gamblers. And that’s why this year we’re partnering with DraftKings to offer up to the minute gambling odds. What’s the latest update fellas?

Andrew: Well, guys, here are some of the latest betting lines. We got 3 to 1 odds that a young actor brings out an old actor in a wheelchair and regrets it immediately.

Devon: 2 in 1 that an actress who made $20 million last year will say the phrase “We are all Ukraine.”

Andrew: And 10 to 1 that someone in the in Memoriam is still alive.

Devon: We’re also seeing a lot of movement in the “Who’s gonna make a surprise appearance” poll.

Andrew: That’s right. Some of the favorite Long Shot picks so far are Chris Rock, Jared from Subway, Armie Hammer, The judges that overturn Roe V. Wade, George Santos pretending to be Tom Cruise, and this is 1 billion to 1 odds, Harvey Weinstein introduces Kanye West.

Maria Menounos: Wow, a girl can dream. But hold that thought because I’m told we have the stars of the Banshees of inner Sharon, Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason.

Colin Farrell: Hello.

Maria Menounos: How do you guys like your chances tonight?

[Colin Farrell and Brandon Gleason start answering in hard Irish accents]

Mario Lopez: Wow, and they haven’t even started drinking yet.

Maria Menounos: This is so exciting. I’m being told we have Michelle Williams.

Mario Lopez: Close. It’s Michelle William’s Jewish acting coach for The Fablemans.

Sarah: Hello, hello, it’s wonderful to be here even though my hair is full cocked. But Barak Hashem, I’m here.

Maria Menounos: So is The Fablemans your first Hollywood project?

Sarah: Oh, sweetie, no. I was also that Jewish acting coach for marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and weirdly for Avatar. The third one is set in a thinly veiled Hasidic community, and I believe we have a photo.

Mario Lopez: And how did you think that Michelle’s performance turned out?

Sarah: Oh, for a goyim, she was amazing. And if I close my eyes and ears, I think she is Jewish. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find my acting coach Chuck Schumer.

Maria Menounos: Wow, I love getting that insight.

Mario Lopez: And finally, this is a surprise but we are joined by the one and only Tom Cruise.

George Santos: Hello, hi. Hi. Tom Cruise here. Wonderful to be here.

Maria Menounos: Oh my god. It’s George Santos.

George Santos: No, no, I’m definitely Thomas Q. Crew. Star of this year’s blockbuster film “Top Gun II: Top Bottom”.

Mario Lopez: George, you’re not fooling anyone.

George Santos: Yeah, except I did. And now I’m in Congress. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be everyone everywhere all at once.

Maria Menounos: Okay, he’s a hoot. He’s a hoot.

Mario Lopez: Now, let’s take a quick break. And when we return, we’ll be talking with Pinocchio from Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio.

Pinocchio: I’m gonna scare so many kids.

Maria Menounos and Mario Lopez: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Straight Male Friend

Carson… Bowen Yang

All: Cheers!

Carson: Like most gay men, I have a lot of straight female friends and I love my girls. They can be a lot. Both financially-

Chloe: Wait, Carson, you’re coming to Tulum, right?

Carson: You know it, sis. And emotionally.

Heidi: Tulum is where Dylan and I were supposed to go before we broke.

Carson: Oh, I’m so sorry babe. As much as these girls mean to me, sometimes I need a break. And that’s when I discovered straight male friend.

Travis: What’s up? [playing video game] Yo, watch me head chop this bitch. Boom to the doom.

Carson: Amazing. Street male friend is a low effort low stakes relationship that requires no emotional commitment, no financial investment and other than the occasional video game related outburst-

Travis: [raging] Oh man, this game’s stupid.

Carson: No drama.

Travis: Yo, you want to grow your wings?

Carson: If I didn’t check in with my gal pals every day or two, it would turn into a whole thing. That’s never an issue with straight male friends. Hang out with them as little or as much as you want. It won’t affect the friendship at all. Watch this. Hey, I might be moving to Europe for seven years.

Travis: Dope. Just hit me when you’re back.

Carson: Straight male friend is easy. And even he’s having a rough time emotionally, he’ll never bring me into it. [to Travis] You okay? seem a little upset.

Travis: Man. My dad died last week.

Carson: Oh.

Travis: But it’s alright, you know? Try this wings?

Carson: Straight male friend isn’t perfect and may ask blunt questions about your sex life.

Travis: So like, do gay guys like when a guy has a big one? Or is it kind of like a bad thing?

Carson: Depends on the guy. But he’s only asking because he’s honestly curious. There’s something sweet about that. Does straight male friend provide the same deep rewarding relationship I have with my girls? No. Does straight male friend know my last name? No. And that’s kind of the beauty of it. But if you are missing a little drama, just say this. I bet I’m faster than you.

Travis: Dog. Bro, for real? You think you’re faster than me? I will go outside on the street and dust your ass right now. Let’s go, come on. Come on.

Carson: So if you’re a gay man who needs a break, come discover the casual low effort friendship gay women have known about for years. Straight male friend.

Travis: Yo, sorry about being a pussy about my dad dying earlier, man. That won’t happen again.

Male voice: Straight male friend, available everywhere. Except therapy.

Garrett from Hinge

Kyra… Heidi Gardner

Travis Kelce

Garrett… Bowen Yang

Kyra: I can’t believe we just did that. Every time you’re in town, you suck me back in.

Travis: It’s because we were meant for each other baby.

Kyra: God, you know I bailed on a date tonight because of you.

Travis: Oh, your bad. Now come on. Should I make some pancakes? That is special recipe.

[Garrett walks in]

Garrett: Hey.

Kyra: Oh my god.

Garrett: Um, what’s up?

Kyra: What are you doing in my house?

Travis: Who is that?

Garrett: Um, I’m Garrett from Hinge. We had plans for seven at Buccacinos.

Travis: What? Kyra This is the guy you blew off?

Garrett: Yeah, afraid so. Now, I’m here and you’re in bed with like, a Hemsworth brother I didn’t know about? How do you think that makes me feel?

Kyra: Dude, you broke into my house? I don’t even know you.

Garrett: Yeah, you do. I’m Garrett from Hinge. AKA the guy who’s been waiting for you a Buccacinos like some kind of Sucka.

Kyra: What is your problem? Leave.

Garrett: Oh my god, this is so overwhelming. I’m gonna go to the bathroom and when I come out, we can figure this all out. Okay?

Kyra: There was nothing to figure out. Okay, we got to call the cops.

Travis: No, you can’t. I’m not supposed to be here. I can’t leave the state because my parole.

Kyra: Wait, what parole?

Garrett: [talking to the mirror] Garrett? I know your feelings are hurt. And that’s hard. But no matter what, you cannot kill them. Okay. [walks out of the bathroom] Alright, I’m back. And I’ve been thinking a lot about it. And I’m open to being a throuple.

Kyra: Yeah, we’re not gonna do that, Garrett.

Garrett: Kyra, tonight. You made me look like an absolute sucker. I left work early to change.

Travis: You changed into that Stewie Griffin t shirt?

Garrett: Can give you some advice, Kyra? If you’re not emotionally available, maybe don’t be on the apps right?

Kyra: Oh my god.

Garrett: Especially Hinge, because Hinge is the app that’s designed to be deleted, right?

Kyra: Okay, will you stop making the same pose as your shirt?

Garrett: Oh, Kyra, Kyra, Kyra. You want a little foot rub?

[Garrett starts rubbing Kyra’s foot]

Kyra: No, don’t rub my foot.

Garrett: Hey, it’s just me, Garrett from Hinge, the dating app for people who hate dating apps.

Kyra: Do you, like, work for Hinge?

Garrett: Hey, this little piggy left me at Buccacinos.

Kyra: No, stop.

Garrett: Oh my God. You know what? I need to use the restroom again. And I don’t mean to make this awkward, but could you please rapid test? There was a plandemic going on.

Kyra: Did he say plandemic?

Garrett: [talking to the mirror] Garrett, I know this is hard, but you cannot kill them. Even though it would be so easy, oh man, I really wish it and bring poison here. Guys! [walks out of the bathroom] You know what? I think I’m just gonna stay the night if that’s cool.

Kyra: No, Garrett, get your psychopath ass out of here now.

Garrett: Dammit, woman! Sorry, that was my Stewie impression.

Travis: No, Garrett, that was actually an amazing Stewie impression. And to be fair, Kyra, you did make him look like a sucker at Buccacinos. So you know what? Maybe we’re in the wrong too now. Get in here with us.

Garrett: Wow. Thanks guys. That’s so nice. Oh.

Travis: Oh damn, I’m positive.

Kyra and Garrett: You took it?