Star Quality

Burris Star… Kenan Thompson

Judith Hussle… Aidy Bryant

Raylonna Two… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Anya-Taylor Joy

[Starts with Burris Star singing intro for his show]

Burris Star: [singing] Stars are not made, they’re born
Stars are not made, they’re born
if you don’t have it, you ain’t gonna get it
you have to be born with what? 

Star Quality!

[cheers and applause]

Hello. Thank you. I am Burris Star and this is Star Quality. The show where young hopefuls have a chance to bust through the hymen of the entertainment industry. I can say that because I used to be a vaginacologist. No, I know what you’re thinking. “Don’t you mean gynecologist?” No, I do not. A gynecologist is medical. A vaginacologist is more of a historian. Let’s bring out our first entertainers.

[Judith Hussle and Raylonna Two walk in]

Judith Hussle: Hi, I’m Judigh Hussle.

Raylonna Two: And I’m Raylonna Two.

Judith Hussle: Today we are going to be performing a brief scene followed by an exhausting song.

Raylonna Two: This is about our mothers. They were not the same but they did share the same profession.

Burris Star: Yes. And who is this creepy doll?

[there’s a doll that they’ve brought with them]

Judith Hussle: It’s a vintage 28 inch doll.

Raylonna Two: This 28 inch vintage doll will be playing the part of our mother.

Burris Star: Well, Judith Hussle, Raylonna Two, show me you star quality.

[music playing]

Judith Hussle: Hush, mom. We know the truth. You’ve been lying to us. You say you’re doing double shifts at the factory.

Raylonna Two: Nobody wears a sparkle tops and goes panty-free under that jeans skirt to work at the nuclear plant.

Judith Hussle: [singing] Talking rooms and talking doorways
squeaking mattress, heels left on
crooked lipstick broken lashes
the wig falls off and then you’re done

Raylonna Two: Stranger kisses on your shirt type
naked trickers in the near
crumpled 20 on the night stand

you freak with males to get us food

Judith Hussle: Thank you, mama. You did what you had to to make everything work out for everyone involved.

Burris Star: Alright. Wow, you have done it. Thank you, ladies. We will let you know.

Judith Hussle: And how long with that take?

Burris Star: Um, do you know how long for never is?

Raylonna Two: Well, that’s unforeseeable.

Burris Star: Correct. Audience, this is why you should always have a plan B. For example, I can always fall back on vaginacology. Thank you, ladies. Alright, our next performers created a new music genre. It’s called fabo-rap. Welcome to the show, Hot Couture.

[Bowen and Anya walk in the stage]

Bowen: Thank you for letting us but a rap here today.

Anya: We’re excited to be the next big thing.

Bowen: And me, I’m on the same level as her.

Burris Star: Glad to hear it.

Anya: Burris, I hope you’re ready. We’re about to go to the third base with your mind.

Bowen: Which means we’re going to blow it.

Burris Star: Fine. Show us your star quality.

[music playing]

Bowen: [rapping] Darling, has the best come yet?

Anya: Darling, has the best come by?

Bowen: Darling, doest he best stop here?

Anya: Darling, I need the best

Bowen: Darling, I need it west

Anya: Darling, to the setting sun

Bowen: Darling, I have an interview

Anya: Darling, at finance basement

Bowen: Darling, does the bus stop there?

Anya: Darling, leave who alone?

Bowen: Darling, leave you alone?

Anya: Darling, thanks for your time

Bowen: Darling…

[music stops]

Burris Star: Thank you, Hot Couture. You did the thing we agreed you would do.

Bowen: Thank you for that.

Anya: We love compliments.

Bowen: So, what happens next?

Anya: How do we do this?

Burris Star: Well, you take 10 to 12 steps towards the door that says ‘Exit’. And then push.

Anya: Are our contracts through there?

Burris Star: No. That’s the parking lot.

Bowen: Is that where we wait for our record deal?

Burris Star: Yes.

Anya: For how long, Burris?

Burris Star: For never.

Bowen: Perfect.

Burris Star: Well, thank you for watching. We have to go now because air-time is expensive. I am Burris Star and this has been [singing] Star Quality.

Pride Month Song

Terence… Bowen Yang

Anya Taylor-Joy

Kate McKinnon

Punkie Johnson

[Music video starts with artists intro]

Terence: Hey, all you shes, gays, and nays. It’s the month of almost June

Kate: And you know what that means!

Punkie: Pride is around the corner!

Anya: But last year, Pride didn’t happen, so now, we’re making up for lost time

Terence: [singing] Pride is a celebration, yeah, that’s what it’s about
Last year, we couldn’t meet up, but this time it’s allowed

Anya: With my queer friends and allies, now it’s time to go out

All: Ooh, ooh, we get to do it all again

Terence: Now we’re out on the floor, but I don’t see my crush
He’s not texting me back, well, I’ll just brush it off
I have a mental breakdown, make my friends take care of me
And I think wooo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Chorus: It’s Pride again!
We’ve been waiting so long
It’s Pride again!
For so much to go wrong
It’s Pride again!
Santa comes, but for queers
This is our Saint Paddy’s Day
Acting sloppy ’cause we’re gay

[Anya is talking to Terence cheering him up]

Anya: Who cares about him? You’re so cool and so funny!

Terence: I don’t wanna be funny! I wanna be hot!

Kate: It’s our first Pride together

Anya: And it’s also our last

Kate: ‘Cause even for lesbians

Anya: We moved in way too fast

Kate: But we’re still hosting a gay brunch

Anya: And frying eggs got us hot

Anya and Kate: Ooh, ooh, tonight we’ll break up again

Terence: You go flirt with that girl?

Punkie: Man, I tried, but she’s straight

Terence: Well then, how ’bout her friend?

Punkie: She is also a straight

Terence and Punkie: When did all these straight girls
Start dressing lesbian?
And we go woooo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Chorus: It’s Pride again!
It’s inclusive and it’s great!
It’s Pride again!
But who let in all these straights?
It’s Pride again!
Gender is just clothes
Let’s go eat some Chick Fil-A
Nothing matters anyway

[Kate speaking to Terence]

Kate: Wait, we’re not eating Chick Fil-A. They’re homophobic!

Terence: Okay, no. That is such a neoliberal notion to equate individual responsibility with collectivist politics.

Kate: Terence, don’t talk like you read theory. You don’t read theory.

Terence: I read theory, sis. Sis, I read theory!

Anya: What theory do you read?

Terence: Podcasts?

Anya: Terence, that is not theory!

Terence: Well, you work at Georgia Bank! You Georgia Bank bitch!

Punkie: Oh God, I miss this

[Lil Nas X appears wearing similar clothes]

Lil Nas X: Time for the parade, y’all. Let’s get messy!
You’d hate the drama on any other night
But during Gay Pride, this is doing gay right
Post hole on close friends, post hole on main
Post hole for the countries where you can’t be gay
Marsha P. Johnson and Harvey Milk
They paved the way for you to shake your filth
Stonewall was a kiki when they threw the brick
They fought for your right to be this chaotic

Chorus: Yeah, yeah, yeah! It’s Pride again!
We’re so sunburnt and mad
And we love it!
Fifty-dollar drinks that are bad
How we missed it!
I’m overwhelmed, but I love
We’re just happy that we’re queer
And can do this every year

[Outro]

Terence: Wait, are we on a Deutsche Bank float?

All:This sucks
It’s Pride again!

College Panel

Aidy Bryant

Anya Taylor-Joy

Max… Pete Davidson

Naomi… Ego Nwodim

Elliot… Bowen Yang

Natalie… Heidi Gardner

Chess… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with two ladies  hosting the college panel]

Aidy: Good afternoon, fellow students of NYU’s film studies department and thank you for tuning into live stream of our final guest panel of the year.

Anya: Please join us in welcoming our distinguished artist today. The cast members of HBO’s hit comedy and my favorite show “Roommates in the city”.

[Cut to the cast members of the show]
[cheers and applause]

Aidy: Our fellow students have submitted questions about comedy, your show and social issues. And we cannot wait to hear your answers. Specially from break out heart drop, Max.

Max: Oh. Hey everyone. Hi.

Anya: Max, stop. This is so fun. Okay, the first question is for Max. How do you come up with ideas for your character?

Max: Honestly, I don’t know. I just say what I think will be funny.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way]

Aidy: Totally. Okay, so this next question is also for Max. Do you prefer blondes or brunetts?

Max: That’s tough, but blondes.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way looking at each other]

Aidy: Okay. And Naomi, as a black woman, could you please explain race?

Naomi: Okay. Wow. That’s a very cool question for me. Well, I’m a comedian, so my priority is just being funny.

Anya: Um. Now back to Max. Frisbees or dogs?

Max: Frisbees or dogs? That’s tough. But I’m going to have to go with frisbees. Because you can toss it into a friend.

Aidy: Aw! And for Elliot. How has being gay and Chinese prevented you from being happy?

Elliot: Do you want to rephrase that?

Anya: Interesting. Okay, for everyone else, there’s a question submitted by Fran G. “I’ve never seen the show but I can see that two of you are gay, two of you are black, one of you is Asian and some of you are girls.” Elliot, let’s start with you.

Elliot: That was not a question.

Natalie: I just want to say I like dogs more than frisbees.

Anya: We’ll get to you. Max, what’s it like to work with celebrities?

Max: That’s tough. I mean, working with celebrities could be weird but ultimately, it’s awesome.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way]

Aidy: That sounds fun. And for queer cast members, “What’s it like to do comedy in a world that cavalierly mocks your existence.

Elliot: Okay. Are there questions that are fun or about the show or less devastating?

Anya: Oh, yes, sure. What’s the typical page to stage process?

Chess: Okay. Well, that’s a great question. So, normally, we start pitching ideas. And here’s a funny story. One time–

Aidy: [interrupting] Oh, that’s great. And here’s a follow up for Max, it is so fun. Is it so fun having a hot and famous wife?

Max: Yes. It’s so fun. She’s so hot.

Aidy: Amazing. And back to Natalie. For a follow up. Here’s an extremely sad quote of your’s that I’ve taken out of context. “I hate myself and I have major body issues.” My question for you is is that bad for you?

Natalie: Yeah, it is bad.

Anya: Awesome. And Naomi, what advice do you have for survivors of terrorist attacks when it comes to breaking into the comedy community?

Naomi: Why is that my question? I mean, I guess I would say– You know. No. Bail. Pass. Not doing it. No.

Aidy: how about you, Natalie?

Natalie: Pass.

Anya: Max, do you like soda?

Max: Yeah, it tastes so good.

Aidy: And Natalie, why didn’t you go to standing rock?

Natalie: Pass.

Anya: Max, what’s your favorite pizza topping?

Max: Oh, cheese.

Aidy: Elliot, you’re a gay homo, yeah?

Elliot: Yep.

Aidy: And Chess, you’re girl gay, so no wear dress?

Chess: Yeah.

Aidy: Max, Playstation

Max: Playstation.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way]

Anya: Naomi, if god gave you option to be white, would you take it?

Naomi: Girl, I’m not answering that. No.

Aidy: Okay. Elliot, if Starbucks made an ice tea that made you straight, would you sip it?

Elliot: Okay, I have a question. I’m gay, so I can hit you, right?

Anya: Max, Hannah El says, “If you ever cheat on your wife, please consider me.”

Max: Aw, that’s really awesome.

Aidy: And Natalie, marital rape is still not a crime in all Elliot0 states. What will you as a female comedian do about that?

Natalie: You two are really bad at this.

Anya: Wow! This has been great panel. Unfortunately, that’s all the time we have.

Aidy: Yeah. We’re signing off but we’re dropping all the panelist cell phone numbers in the chat so you can contact them with any lingering questions.

Panelists: Please do not do that.

Max: Awesome, text me. Yeah.

Sending Drinks

Andrew Dismukes

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

First gentleman… Keegan-Michael Kay

Second gentleman… Bowen Yang

[Starts with two waiters serving two ladies]

Andrew: And here are your olives, ladies.

Mikey: Let us know if you need anything else.

Kate: Thanks

Aidy: Thank you. Wow, thanks for meeting me here.

Kate: It was totally worth driving two hours to get to this bar. What part of New York is this?

Aidy: Philly.

Mikey: Ladies, sorry to interrupt. [bringing in cocktails] But the gentlemen at the end of the bar has sent you each a drink.

Aidy: Okay, really? That’s kind of fun.

Kate: Yeah. Back in business, who was it?

[There’s a guy wearing creepy outfit at the bar]

Oh, thank you.

Aidy: Wow. Not sure what that outfit is. But cool.

[Mikey walks in again]

Mikey: Ladies, the gentleman down the bar has also sent you food. Here are 100 oysters.

Aidy: Oh, no.

Kate: That sounds expensive.

Mikey: No. He actually brought them with him. So, I would not eat them.

Aidy: Yes. I don’t think that we will.

Mikey: He also sent this. [gives them a scarf]

Kate: What is this? It’s arm. [it’s not a scarf. It’s a shirt.] Oh, it’s his shirt.

Aidy: What is LL Beeve?

Mikey: Should I tell him you like it?

Kate: I think we’re good.

Mikey: Got it.

Kate: Wo, how has your year been?

Aidy: Good. I went on a fairest real for the first time.

Kate: What did you call it?

Andrew: Ladies, I’m sorry to interrupt but you’ve been sent a drink by the man at the other end of the bar.

Kate: Oh, thank god. Maybe he’ll be hot.

[There’s another guy wearing similar creepy outfit.]

Aidy: Oh, dear god. Another one.

Kate: I’m sorry. Is there some kind of conference these two attended together?

Andrew: Yes. They’re either here for ComicCon or the Porn Producer’s Reunion. Not sure which.

Mikey: Hi, again, the gentleman has passed you a note.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, this is just a printout of Wikepedia page for sex which I didn’t even know they had.

Andrew: And my gentleman has a note as well.

Kate: Okay. This one says “You’d be an amazing dentist. I’ll put you through dental school.” And he signed it ‘Michael Fastbender’.

Aidy: I think they think they’re in some kind of bidding war. But I hate that they think we’re their sexual ego.

Kate: Yes. We’re not going home with either of them.

Aidy: No.

Kate: Are we?

Aidy: I don’t know. I mean, I don’t love what that one’s doing.

Kate: Yes. I think he’s smiling but I don’t now.

Aidy: I think he thinks he’s smiling.

Kate: Okay. Now, the other one’s doing that thing where you kind of turn around and pretend you’re kissing someone.

Aidy: Yeah. But he’s still facing us.

Kate: Okay. Now, that one’s doing a magic trick.

Aidy: Oh, he pulled a coin from his own ear. Maybe it seems like he just put it there.

Kate: And okay. This one’s playing charades.

Aidy: Okay. One word, two syllables. Okay, he just mouthed the word ‘penis’.

Kate: I mean, it’s been a year since I hooked up with someone. Should I just do it?

Aidy: Honestly, maybe. I mean, the last FaceTime date I went on turned out to be a pocket dial.

Mikey: Again, the gentleman at the end of the bar has sent you a gift to wear.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, it’s an Elsa dress. That’s weird. But it’s something.

Andrew: And the other gentleman has sent you a condom on a plate.

Kate: Okay. It says ‘creamed for her scrutiny’. That’s thoughtful, I guess.

Mikey: Oh no, I think my gentleman senses the other one is closing in.

[The first guy shows a knife to the second guy]

Andrew: My gentleman accepts the challenge.

[The second guy pulls out a knife as well]

Aidy: Wow, they pulled out tiny swords.

Kate: They’re fighting to the Pirates of Caribbean sound.

Aidy: Oh, they’re having a duel for our honor.

Kate: Honestly, I don’t hate it.

[They both stab each other]

I think they both died. Well, no one has ever fought over me before.

Aidy: Me either.

[The gentlemen stand up and takes a bow]

Now, that was hot.

Kate: Fully horny. Let’s do this.

First Gentleman: To be clear, we are virgins.

Aidy: Oh, yes. We know.

Kate: Let’s go.

Prom Show

Katie Sterack… Heidi Gardner

PJ Rube… Bowen Yang

Jacob Schneeb… Keegan-Michael Key

Danny Spooge… Kyle Mooney

Chloe Fineman

Ted Vinegret… Andrew Dismukes

Lexi… Ego Nwodim

Michelle… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Miller… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Live from the Brandy Melville ball room. It’s the Braxton high school prom red carpet.

[Cut to Katie Sterack and PJ Rube. Katie Sterack is holding a crutch.]

PJ Rube: Hello and welcome to this year’s red carpet coverage from Tamar Braxton High senior prom. I’m thirsty junior PJ Rube.

Katie Sterack: And I’m Katie Sterack.

PJ Rube: Katie, what happened to your leg?

Katie Sterack: Oh, I was making out under the bleachers and they folded up on me.

PJ Rube: Rough. Well, here to give us the scoop on what’s happening inside prom is super senior Jacob Schneeb.

[Cut to Jacob Schneeb.]

Jacob Schneeb: What’s up, guys? Schneeb here at the Annie Young Memorial chocolate fountain. She didn’t die. She moved.

PJ Rube: Now Schneeb, this is your third senior year because you’re in every club. But you just can’t pass pre-algebra.

Jacob Schneeb: Yeah, right. I do show choir, calligraphy, and I’m the only one strong enough to toss all the cheer leaders. So, there’s no time for class.

PJ Rube: Thanks, Schneeb. And I’m hearing we have our first arrival. It’s Danny Spooge and a mystery date who is out of his league.

Katie Sterack: Danny, congratulations on a date way hotter than you. Tell us, how did you bag?

Danny Spooge: She’s home schooled. So, she don’t know how hot she is.

PJ Rube: Home schooled. Okay. Then I got to ask. Hippie or crazy religious?

Chloe: Nothing crazy. Our bible is only eight pages and my uncle drew it.

PJ Rube: That’s insane. Schneeb, back to you.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, breaking news. I have a freshman at prom! Kid, tell us who you are and how the hell you’re here?

Ted Vinegret: I’m Ted Vinegret. I’m Katie Sterack4 and I met my date because she babysat me last year.

Jacob Schneeb: So, Ted, you are presenting tonight.

Ted Vinegret: What do you mean?

Jacob Schneeb: I can see your boner.

Ted Vinegret: Oh, sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s fine. Enjoy the night. Back to you guys.

Katie Sterack: Okay. We’re here with a big group of popular kids.  Where did you take pictures tonight?

Lexi: We lined up in front of my step mom’s huge TV. We made it look like a fireplace.

Chris: Then we piled into a nasty white Hummer limo. I poked my head out of the roof and just screamed.

Beck: Yes. First, we stopped for beautiful 4PM dinner at Red Robin. Tipped 12% because we ballers.

PJ Rube: Lexi, you look absolutely disgusting tonight.

Lexi: Thank you.

PJ Rube: What are you wearing?

Lexi: Green.

PJ Rube: Who is it by?

Lexi: Mall.

PJ Rube: Okay. Can you explain this peekaboo moment here? [pointing at her dress]

Lexi: Oh! I don’t have a mom so no one’s honest with me.

Katie Sterack: Before you go. Any prom king prediction?

Beck: Me because I’m on lacrosse but I also did the plays.

Katie Sterack: Absolutely. Schnebe, what you got cooking?

Jacob Schneeb: Well, it doesn’t get any more prom than this. It’s two dorks who bang. Now, I got to tell you, there are a lot of dorks who bang, what makes you two special?

Aidy: Well, we met in stage crew, but then we discovered that we’re both in band.

Mikey: And yes, now we have full sex everyday.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, wow. Congratulations. So, tell us about the ribbon you’re wearing. What is is raising awareness for?

Aidy: My mom’s ribbon store.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, of course. Which reminds me, tonight’s prom is brought to you by Water Bottles! Put the alcohol in the bottle and say it’s water! Strapless bra, by the end of the night, your bra is a belt with a strapless bra! And of course, Hand Stuff, stay pure by doing Hand Stuff. Katie.

Katie Sterack: Okay. I’m being told that party bus has unloaded. Let’s see who’s just got in the prom.

PJ Rube: It’s Michelle Shugi. Michelle, you got a really intense spray tan. Are you worried this is a hate crime?

Michelle: No. I’m Puerto Rican. So, we in the clear.

PJ Rube: Quick moving, Shugi, because here comes Mr. Miller, the hot stuff who’s 23.

[Mr. Miller walks in]

Katie Sterack: We heard you’re doing the SATs this year, is that true?

Mr. Miller: Yeah, or I might just put on Tokyo Drift.

Katie Sterack: Mr. Miller, I had a dream that you pushed me in the pool. How f’ed up is that?

Mr. Miller: Not that F. Anyway, I should head inside. I’m supposed to be the Chaperone.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, guys, I just got some terrible news. I passed pre-algebra and now I have to graduate.

Katie Sterack: Ah, Schneeb!

PJ Rube: We’re so sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s okay. All I ask is…

[singing] Don’t you forget about Schneeb

No More Masks Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Punkine Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.

[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]

Aidy: Welcome to a bar.

Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?

Aidy: You actually do not.

Beck: Great! [opens his mask]

Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.

Beck: No, I’m not.

Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.

Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.

Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.

Beck: And scene.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.

[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.

Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.

Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?

Ego: You know I do, king.

Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?

Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.

Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?

Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.

Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.

Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.

[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]

Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.

[both of them pull their masks off]

Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.

Andrew: So, mask back on?

Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?

Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.

[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]

Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.

Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.

Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.

Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.

Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.

[Cut to Cecily and Chris]

Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?

Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.

Chris: But do I need to be a parent?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.

[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]

Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.

Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.

Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.

Heidi: And one of us is a baby.

Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?

Kenan: And go!

[four of them start shuffling their places] [Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.

[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]

Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.

Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.

Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.

Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini

Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.

Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.

All: Whoo!

Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.

[other casts join\

All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Murdur Durdur

Alex Moffat

Care… Kate McKinnon

Policeman… Bowen Yang

Owen… Beck Bennett

Woman… Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a movie intro. Alex and Care are investigating a murder]

Male voice: In a small town somewhere between New York and DC.

Alex: County sent me to see this investigation.

Male voice: Comes another story of grizzled lady detective.

Care: Cell me Care. Everybody else does.

Bowen: A jogger found the body over there.

Alex: What do we know so far?

Care: I don’t know we know. All I know is what we don’t know.

Male voice: With a very specific accent.

[Care looks at the dead body’s face]

Care: Oh, no. I know her. It’s Owen’s dudur (daughter).

Alex: Durdur?

Care: Did I stir? The durdur has been murdered.

Alex: Oh, daughter.

Male voice: You’ve seen dead teens in New York, Chicago and Boston. But what about another city with very specific white? Pennsylvania whites.

[Two police officers ad eating

Care: Would you quit eating wawa hoagies over the body, please?

Police officers: Sorry, boss.

Male voice: From the makers of “Mare of Easttown” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia”, comes–

[Owen comes in]

Owen: No. Is it my durdur?

Care: Owen, she’s murdered.

Owen: They murdered my durdur?

Care: I’m afraid so.

Owen: [falls on his knees] My durdur! My baby durdur, and they murdered her!

Male voice: Murder Durdur, an extremely Pennsylvania crime show.

Care: I’m going to Yngling to take the edge off.

Owen: Oh, thanks Care.

Male voice: Highly accurate”, says the Delco-Daily. “The writers clearly googled. They knew the foods and the towns.”

[The detectives are looking at the map]

Bowen: Thur in this third matches the stin down the Daninton.

Care: The roras for Pesho Casen.

Bowen: Pesco cho hankin?

Care: No, Pesho Casen. Over by the Jangoff bridge.

Alex: Great. And you guys can spell that for me later?

Male voice: Starring an actress with a messy ponytail that says “Forget, I’m actually British.”

[Cut to Care interrogating a woman]

Care: Mandi (Monday) night, how did she get hum (home).

Woman: I told you. She got um on her own.

Care: Show me your phone.

Woman: Fine. But I ain’t murder no one’s durdur. I have no idea how she ended up in the wooter (water).

Care: What wooter?

Male voice: The New York time says, “So authentically Pennsylvania, I’m assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.”

Bowen: Look, Care, I know why you’re a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop pop was a cop. And your pop pop’s pop pop was the original Philly fanatic. It’s not your fault your son drowned in the schuylkill on purpose.

Alex: How does he know all that?

Care: Because he is my cousint (cousin). And he’s my cousint [pointing at another guy]. And that’s my ex-husbands (husband) [pointing at another guy]. And that girl–

Heidi: Hey, Care.

Alex: Let me guess, your cousint?

Care: No. It’s my grandurr.

Alex: Granddaughter? How old are you?

Care: I’m Philly 40.

Male voice: Constantly overcast. A creek and three bad homes. And moments of true suspense.

[Alex and Care are in the woods at night with flash lights. They hear something moving.]

Alex: Wait, is that the killer?

Care: No, that’s just Gritty.  [Someone’s wearing full Gritty costume and running way] Hey, Gritty, go flyers! [Gritty waves his hand] [Cut to Owen walking into the police station]

Owen: Cap, I’m going to murder whoever murdered my durdur.

Care: Owen. I don’t know who did your durdur’s murder, alright?

[a pastor walks in with a girls bicycle]

Pastor: I need some help. I’m father Delbert, you durdur and I were friends.

Care: Oh! Okay. So, he did it. He is the durdur murderer.

Pastor: You got me.

Male voice: Murdur durdur, this is where Joe Biden is from. Wow.

Gen Z Hospital

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Nurse… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Doctor… Elon Musk

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the thrilling conclusion of Gen Z Hospital.

[Cut to three people waiting in a hospital]

Mikey: Well, nobody’s telling us anything, is bestie going to be okay?

Ego: Nurse, we demand to know how our bestie is doing.

[nurse is wearing pink outfit and she had her hair dyed pink]

Nurse: I’m sorry, bro, I told you I don’t have that information yet.

Kate: Bro, seriously?

Bowen: I’m so pressed right now, bro.

Nurse: Don’t be pressed. Doctor will be in shortly, bro. Dead ass.

Heidi: Yo! If this doctor keeps leaving us on red, he’s going to catch hands on gang.

Ego: Na, na, it’s gonna be okay. Bestie cannot die like this.

Mikey: Big facts. She’s gonna make it, bro.

Kate: There’s the doctor now.

[doctor walks out]

Doctor: Is this Mogan’s squad?

Bowen: Gang, gang.

Kate: Doctor, please tell us what’s up with our bestie?

Doctor: You all might wanna sit down. What I have to say right now would be a little cringe.

Heidi: Just give us the tea.

Doctor: Okay. Well, as you may have seen it on our live, your bestie took a major L while driving her hellcat.

Bowen: Yeah, we saw.

Doctor: We tried everything we could in surgery and it was a sus for a while. But we have your bestie on our machine and we’re doing everything we can.

Kate: So, bestie is going to be okay, right?

Doctor: I’m sorry, but at this particular time, that’s looking like cap.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: Bro, can we see her?

Doctor: Unfortunately, not right now, bro. You know the vibes. But I promise if anything changes, I’ll pull up.

Mikey: Say less, bro.

Ego: And thank you, doctor. You a real one.

Kate: We stan you.

Doctor: And I stan you. I can only imagine the feels you’re going through right now. if you’ll excuse me.

Mikey: Bro! I’m extra salty right now. How could bestie be so irresponsible?

Bowen: Yo, millions of people flip their hellcat on live everyday cuh!

Ego: Yeah, you know that could have happened to anyone in the game.

Ego: I know, but when it’s bestie, it just hits different.

Mikey: Yeah, specially since bestie is my mom.

Bowen: Yo, she’s not just your mom.

Heidi: She is all our work moms.

Kate: Exactly. But please, go off, king.

Mikey: But she’s actually my mother, bro. So, it’s like a little different.

Ego: High key, it’s not though.

Bowen: Yeah. Take several seats respectfully, flaw!

Kate: Look, the doctor’s coming back in.

Doctor: Hey guys, so, big yikes. While I was out here trumping up with you, your bestie took a turn for the worst.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: You capping!

Doctor: Unfortunately, no cap. She’s literally dead right now.

Kate: So, she’s laughing?

Bowen: That’s good news.

Doctor: No. I mean she’s literally dead. Dead dead.

All: Bro!

Bowen: I pretend I do not hear it.

Heidi: Bro! I am so done right now!

Mikey: I am so dead that she is dead. Can we see her?

Doctor: Of course, but please, try not to get all extra. Sis?

[Nurse walks in with an urn]

Mikey: Bro, you already cremated her?

Doctor: No, this is empty.

Nurse: This just looks way better for the gram than a dead body.

Kate: That urn is really iconic.

Bowen: Fire.

Doctor: Take all the time you need.

[Doctor passes the urn to Mikey]

Mikey: Thanks, bro. I guess we should all say something, right? It’s the unconditional support and being a great mom for me.

Bowen: It’s the having 200,000 followers for me.

Kate: It’s the always doing donuts in your hellcat for me.

Heidi: It’s letting NBA Young Boy smasher all-star weekend for me.

Ego: It’s the “always bringing back henny from vacation” for me.

Doctor: Well, I don’t know. But it’s “I have full coverage” for me.

Mikey: That was beautiful, doctor bro. Alright, let’s get a pic. Come on. Crowd in.

[They all take a group selfie.]

Weekend Update- The Iceberg on the Sinking of the Titanic

Colin Jost

Iceberg… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Next year marks the anniversary of sinking of the Titanic. Here to explain his side of the story is the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

[Iceberg slides in]

Iceberg: Hi, Colin. Thanks for having me. This is always a weird time in the year for me.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you for being here. Just tell us, what was going through your head that fateful night?

Iceberg: Thank you for that question. You know what, Colin? That was a really long time ago. I’ve done a lot of reflecting to trying to move past it. It’s one very small part of me but there’s so much going on beneath the surface that you can’t see.

Colin Jost: Right. Like an iceberg. What would you say though to the families of those who perished in the cold north Atlantic waters that night?

Iceberg: Okay. No. These are not the questions we discussed. This isn’t very nice, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s not nice?

Iceberg: Sorry, I think my publicist was very clear. I’m not here to talk about the sinking.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what else would we be talking about?

Iceberg: I’m here to promote my album.

Colin Jost: You have an album?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s a hyper-pop, EDM, new disco fantasia. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: Your album is called Music?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: It’s really cool. I just think that a lot of people might rather hear about the Titanic.

Iceberg: My god. Okay. Wow. Fine, you want to do this? Let’s do this. First of all, you came to where I live and you hit me. It was midnight. I was chilling. Then I hear this Irish cacophony behind me. Not to be offensive, but like, ta-na-na-na-na. I’m sorry. That’s what it sounded like. It was full of river dance. And before I turn around, half my ass is gone! It was my best feature. And I am literally injured. But all everybody cares is like, 40 or 50 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: Well, it was 1500 people.

Iceberg: Why are you attacking me? You said you’d be my Oprah, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, I never said that.

Iceberg: Someone did. But why are people still talking about this? They bumped into me. I said, “I’m sorry”, which is insane. But whatever. And then they’re playing the violin and yelling, and the old people are like, spooning in the bed ready to die. I was looking at this and I was like, “Oh my god. They’re going to make a movie about this.”

Colin Jost: It sounds like you think you’re the victim here.

Iceberg: Well, everyone’s talking about me. No one’s talking about the water! What did the autopsy say? They iceberged? No! They drowned, bitch! That’s not me. That’s water. But nobody’s canceling the ocean.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you aren’t taking any responsibility?

Iceberg: Obviously, I hate that 20 or 30 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: It’s 1500.

Iceberg: But it’s like, “Hey, white star line. You built a bad boat. It didn’t work out. That’s on you, honey.” Now, can we please talk about my album?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Iceberg: Thank you. I’m really proud of it. It’s 12 tracks, no skips, swear to god. This is my new single. I think you’ll like it. It’s called ‘Lover Boy’.

[music playing] [singing] Come on over and kiss me boy
Hold my hand in your brand new house
I know you don’t ever want to miss me boy
so let’s watch a movie tonight in your house

touch me while the room is spinning
kiss me, let’s go eat some dinner
wine me dine me, I had early lunch
I’m hungry for you, lover boy

Colin Jost: The Iceberg from Titanic, everyone.

Iceberg: It’s not my name.

Colin Jost: It’s your name. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Star Trek Spinoff

Captain… Beck Bennett

Corporal… Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Bowen Yang

McKenna… Carey Mulligan

Zachary… Mikey Day

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Paramount+, we thought of the plusing before Disney. We now return to the Startrek prequel: Starcharter Andromeda.

[Cut to the ship]

Captain: What’s the situation, corporal?

Corporal: It’s not good, sir. Solar flair scrambled the ship’s computers. All proportion and guidance systems have gone dark.

Ego: The ship is dead and we’re headed towards the Medusa blackhole.

Alex: If we cross it’s even horizon, there’s no escape.

Captain: How do we fix this?

Bowen: We’ve tried everything. Nothing seems to work.

Captain: There’s got to be a way. Does anyone have an idea?

McKenna: Hi. I know I’m just a Consol Lout, but maybe we can try unplugging it and plugging it back in?

Corporal: What? Are you serious? This is ridiculous.

McKenna: [being emotional] I’m sorry I’m such a big dumb idiot. [storms outside]

Zachary: McKenna, wait! [yelling] I cannot believe you just did that.

Captain: Who are they and what was that?

Bowen: I don’t know who they are but I always see them in the hallway having intense conversations in hush tones.

Alex: Yes. And according to the crew log, captain, they just graduated from a small expensive Star Fleet Academy.

Ego: You know, my gut tells me they’re just rich white kids who for the first time are experiencing a world that doesn’t revolve around them.

Corporal: Alright. Well, we’ve got bigger problems.

[McKenna and Zachary walk back]

McKenna: Yeah. You’re right. Thank you, Zachary.

Zachary: I mean, they’re toxic. This whole place is literally toxic.

Captain: The anti-matter accelerator. We could route it’s power to propulsion systems.

Alex: The risk of overload is very high, captain. That is a very dangerous option.

Bowen: But it just might work.

Zachary: Um, excuse me?

McKenna: Zachary, don’t!

Zachary: No, they were wrong. McKenna is too polite and awesome and too beautiful to say it, so I will. I think you owe her an apology.

Corporal: I don’t owe her a thing. We’re dealing with a life and death emergency.

McKenna: [shocked] Stop gaslighting me. [storms out]

Zachary: McKenna, stop!

Corporal: What’s going on with your friend?

Zachary: McKenna is dealing with a lot right now, you have no idea.

Corporal: A lot? Is it worse than drifting into a blackhole?

Zachary: Yes. Her parents might be selling her childhood home.

Ego: Might be?

[Chloe runs in]

Chloe: Zachary, McKenna is threatening to jump out into space.

Zachary: No! No, McKenna! Move! [storms out]

Captain: Should someone check on her?

Bowen: No. She threatens to jump out into space everyday. It’s fine.

Ego: Captain, if we’re going to power up the inter-matter accelerator, we need to do it now.

Alex: Think carefully, captain. The lives of every soul on board are at stake.

[McKenna and Zachary walk in]

McKenna: I would like to speak my truth to you.

Corporal: Not now.

Zachary: Yes! Yes, now. Go ahead, McKenna.

McKenna: I will not let you take my power away. My name is McKenna McLord Davies and my voice has value.

Zachary: [pointing at Corporal] My best friend’s voice has value.

Corporal: [pushing Zachary’s hand away] Get your finger out of my face.

Zachary: Oh my god, let go of me. You’re hurting me.

McKenna: Stop killing him.

Chloe: [recording through phone] You’re on videotape, ma’am. Stop assaulting my friend.]

Corporal: I’m not. When a commanding officer asks you to do something, you do it. You understand?

Zachary: My arm. She broke my arm.

McKenna: You broke his arm.

Captain: Everyone, quiet! Look, we’re now approaching a blackhole. We’re already inside it.

Zachary: Sir, she broke my arm. I need the rest of the day off.

Captain: Put these guys in the airlock now!

[They throw three of them out in the space.]