So You Think You Wont Snap Cold Open

Morgan Freegirl… Bowen Yang

Heather… Heidi Gardner

Kayla… Chloe Fineman

Tracy… Sarah Sherman

Dale… Kenan Thompson

Henry… Devon walker

[starts with Morgan Freegirl in his show set]

Morgan Freegirl: Hello America. [cheers and applause] Have you noticed that everyone around you is angry and crazy? People are flipping out at Target, stabbing his back. And the only thing that can cheer us up is watching a sexy show about Jeffrey Dahmer. We are living on the edge and tonight I’m here to push us over as we play…

Intro:So you think you won’t snap!

Morgan Freegirl: [walks to his booth] Yes, that’s right. I’m your host Morgan Freegirl. Tonight we found the only people in America who have not yet snapped. Let’s meet them. It’s Heather, Kayla, Dale and Henry. [cheers and applause] The game is simple. I’ll read real stories from the news and if you keep your cool, you win big money. All right, Heather, you’re up first in the hotspot.

[Heather walks to the spot]

Heather, you are a music professor and white yoga teacher in Burlington, Vermont.

Heather: Yes, I’m just kind of a chill person. So I promise you’re not gonna get me up.

Morgan Freegirl: Hope you’re right. I’m gonna read you some headlines and to tell if you’ve hit your breaking point, you have in front of you a today’s show sized glass of wine.

[a girl brings a glass of wine and puts it on Heather’s table]

Heather: Oh, I’m not going to drink that. I’ve been sober for 15 years.

Morgan Freegirl: Love that confidence. Let’s play. Let’s start with Ukraine. A massive bridge explosion today cut off the Russian supply chain.

Heather: I saw that. Hopefully it brings us for one step closer to an end.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, on Thursday, Biden said we are closer to nuclear Armageddon than we’ve been in 60 years.

Heather: I don’t know where to put that in my brain. But I love Biden.

Morgan Freegirl: Totally, new to. Do you know how old he is? Did you know that when Joe Biden was born, we didn’t have highways?

Heather: That’s a fun fact.

Morgan Freegirl: Joe Biden was Henry3 years old when he got his first home computer.

Heather: Why are you doing this?

Morgan Freegirl: I’m not doing anything. You want a sip of that wine?

Heather: No, I’m totally good.

[the girl is pouring more wine in her glass]

Morgan Freegirl: Your next item is a video clip. Please enjoy this clip of Biden talking about his mental acuity.

[cut to an interview of Joe Biden]

Journalist: How would you say your mental focus is?

Joe Biden: Which focus? Ha-ha-ha. I think if— I haven’t— Look.

[cut to Heather drinking the whole glass of wine at once]

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a snap.

Heather: [finishing her wine] Mama missed you.

Morgan Freegirl: Up next is Kayla. Kayla get in the hotspot.

[Kayla takes the seat] [cheers and applause]

Welcome Kayla. Kayla, you said you are a mom and are pickleball curious.

Kayla: Yeah, that’s right. I’m blessed with four beautiful children and don’t have time to worry about anything else.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, next to you is Tracy, a flight attendant for Frontier Airlines. [Tracy is standing next to Kayla] And if you want, you can hit her.

Tracy: Hello.

Kayla:  What? Gosh, I don’t hit people.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, they get hit all the time now, must be a good reason. Let’s play. We’ll start with Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

Kayla: Oh, the football player. I like him.

Morgan Freegirl: Well came out this week that though he supports a total abortion ban, he allegedly paid for one and lied about it.

Kayla: Well, I bet that’ll come back and bite him in the butt.

Morgan Freegirl: That actually led to his best fundraising day ever.

Kayla: Well, that’s hard to compute, but I don’t like politics. So can we talk about something fun instead?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. You’re a mom. Did you know that 86% of kids today say that when they grow up, their dream job is influencer.

Kayla: Okay, that sounds dumb. But my kids are into video games, so.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, great. They just released the trailer for the new Super Mario Brothers movie starring Chris Pratt. Let’s take a look.

[cut to Super Mario Brothers movie trailer]

Mario: Mushroom Kingdom, here we come!

[cut back to Kayla]

Kayla: What? He’s supposed to be Italian. That’s like, his whole thing. Argh! [starts hitting Tracy]

Morgan Freegirl: It was inevitable. Well, it’s time for our next contestant get up here, Dale.

[Dale takes the seat] [cheers and applause]

Hello, Dale, you said you’re taking advantage of Biden’s new weed policy and you had sex right before coming on the show?

Dale: Yes, I sure did. God bless America.

Morgan Freegirl: Well Dale, time for your around. In front of you is a table of things you can sweep on the ground if you snap.

[there are bottle, martini glass, and ice container on the table]

Dale: No worry about that. Nothing can ruin my day today.

Morgan Freegirl: Of course, let’s play. This week Elon Musk—

Dale: Ah! [breaks everything on the table] That man needs to shut his mouth. Rich dude talking about going to Mars. Well, turn your ass to Mars then.

Morgan Freegirl: Thanks, Dale. And our last contestant is Henry.

[Henry is sitting on the spot]

Henry, you are a college student from Ann Arbor. We asked what keeps you up at night and you just said cutiea.

Henry: Yeah, I was just goofing.

Morgan Freegirl: Well, in front of you is a steaming hot iron just in case you need to use it on your hand.

Henry: Why would I in my hand?

Morgan Freegirl: That’s a great question. Let’s play. 401K’s are down Heather0%.

Henry:  I don’t have one so that doesn’t bother me.

Morgan Freegirl:  In the name of inclusivity, the Mars company has announced that the orange M&M has anxiety.

Henry: That’s the candy, doesn’t matter.

Morgan Freegirl: This week Kanye West called Lizzo fans demonic.

Henry: [exhaling] Okay. Alright, so you bringing up Kanye. All right. All right. It’s okay. I still like his music.

Morgan Freegirl: Kanye West also recently opened a private school.

Henry: Okay, a school. That’s good, right?

Morgan Freegirl: And says he has never read a book in his life.

Henry: Can I get a new topic?

Morgan Freegirl: Sure. Let’s switch gears to Tucker Carlson. Last night, Tucker Carlson sat down with Kanye West.
Henry: Hey man, have a heart. Come on.

Morgan Freegirl: You’re right, you’re right. Let’s go to the world of fashion.

Henry: Okay, thank you.

Morgan Freegirl: With a photo of Kanye.

[Cut to a picture of Kanye West wearing “White lives matter” shirt.] [Cut to Henry burning his face with the iron]

Henry: Ah!

Morgan Freegirl: Oh, there we go. When we come back, we’ll show an 80 year old man an episode of euphoria and…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

 

Eyes

Boss… Brendan Gleeson

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Janine… Sarah Sherman

Michael Longfellow

Carl… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five colleagues in a meeting]

Boss: Alright guys, focus. Denver is counting on us to come up with new slogan for the city.

Ego: Okay, how about “Denver, sky’s the limit”?

Boss: That’s good. That’s really good.

Bowen: All right. I was thinking “Denver, gateway to the Rockies.”

Boss: All right, now we’re talking.

Janine: Ah, who even cares? [Janine is hiding her face]

Boss: Janine, you’ve had a bad attitude all morning. What’s the problem?

Janine: Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just that nobody noticed.

Bowen: Noticed what?

Janine: Nobody noticed I got my eyes replaced. [Janine shows her eyes. It’s like a toy.]

Ego: No, no. Yeah, Janine. We definitely noticed.

Bowen: We had an emergency meeting about it the second you walked in the door.

Boss: Ultimately, we decided that legally it would be just be safest that we pretended we didn’t see it.

Michael: But  since you brought it up, why did you do this, Janine?

Janine: This is ridiculous. Nobody’s asking Luann about why she got a huge fake rack.

Ego: I literally didn’t.

Janine: Oh my god. Good for you.

Boss: Janine, I can’t help but feel you. Like, you’ve made a grave mistake.

Janine: Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s totally reversible. All I have to do is keep my old eyeballs refrigerated. Oh my god! Oh my god, no. Oh my god. I forgot to put my eyeballs in the refrigerator. Oh my god. Oh my god, no. [Janine pulls out her eyes our of her two pockers] They’ve been loose in my pockets for the last 72 hours. Oh my god, no. They’re still god, right? Can you smell them? And tell me if they’re still good. Right? And you guys are smelling them? And they’re good? I can’t see you guys’s reaction right now. I can’t read facial expressions.

Michael: Wait, your eyes are worse now?

Janine: Yes, 100%.

Ego: Then why did you do it?

Janine: To improve my appearance?

Bowen: But it looks worse.

Janine: It does? Oh my god. No!

[Carl walks in]

Carl: Hey, everybody, sorry. I’m late.

Janine: Hey, Carl, what do you think my new eyeballs?

Carl: And I’m going straight to church.

Janine: Guys, come on. Seriously? Let’s focus up, okay? We got a lot of business to take care of. Okay? Hey, how about this? “Denver City of Angels”?

Ego: That’s Los Angeles.

Janine: Oh my God, are you serious? Oh my god, no.

Bowen: Yeah, that’s famously Los Angeles.

Janine: Don’t be mean to me, okay? I can’t cry because the tears go back inside my head, and my brain will drown.

Boss: Your brain will drown? What are you talking about?

Janine: You know what? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Today, you all put a woman’s body on trial.

Michael: You brought it up.

Janine: You know what? I came in this morning with a lot of great pitches. Pitches like “Denver, City of Angels.” “Denver, Keep Austin weird.”

Boss: You know, we can’t use that.

Janine: So I quit. And I’m leaving not in disgrace, but with dignity, elegance and class. I’m gonna be taking my portfolio with me. [grabs some cake]

Bowen: That’s coffee cake.

Janine: And of course, I will also be taking my jacket. [pulls out the curtain] And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you all a Jew. [Janine walks and hits water cooler] Oh, oh my god. Allen. I didn’t know you were in here. You look amazing. See how easy that was? To pay a compliment to a friend?

Boss: Janine, that’s not a human being. That’s a water cooler.

Janine: I’ll leave you all with this. Life comes at you pretty fast. And if you blink, you just might miss it. And me? well, I’m not gonna miss a thing.

Boss: So, “Denver, if you blink, you will miss it.”

Ego: Yeah, I love that one.

Boss: You like that one?

Weekend Update A Spotted Lanternfly on Being an Invasive Species

Michael Che

Lantern Fly… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This summer in invasive species, the spotted lantern fly has spread throughout the Northeast destroying local vegetation. Experts are so concerned, they are encouraging people to kill them on site. And if you’ve seen one, you might agree. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to lantern fly]

Lantern Fly: I’m the spotted lantern fly. I don’t care what experts say I’m gonna eat your crop. Scientists are concerned about my high reproductive capacity cuz I’m a player. That’s why people come I’ll meet a player. My last goals are to lay eggs, be on Judge duty and to eat every crop. And there’s nothing stupid farmers can do to change my mind.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Wow. Well let’s bring him out. A spotted lantern fly everyone.

[Lantern Fly slides in] [cheers and applause]

Lantern Fly: Yeah, I love that crop. That’s right. Boo me. Y’all don’t even know me. Boo me haters. Y’all haters can kiss my ass, aka, my seminole secretion pouch.

Michael Che: Whoa! Lantern fly, you’re coming in a little aggressive.

Lantern Fly: Oh, I’m aggressive? I’m the one who’s doing the aggressing Michael Che? They’re telling their children to stomp me to death. What is this, Mazda Germany?

Michael Che: I think you mean Nazi German.
Lantern Fly: I don’t know what I mean. I’m a bug. I’m trying to live my life, find a mate and have 3-4000 babies.

Michael Che: That’s a lot of babies.

Lantern Fly: Hey, they hating, I’m mating. Okay? Who wouldn’t want to sit on this? Oh, yeah! No, look at that under wing. It’s given ruse. Yeah! This what look like y’all trying to stop me. Ugh! Ugh! Keep stomping. I look gorgeous dead, bitch.

Michael Che: Okay, lantern fly. What do you say to people accusing you of being an invasive species?

Lantern Fly: Invasive? Oh, my family has been in this country for generations. 80 of them.

Michael Che: And how long is that?

Lantern Fly: About four month?

Michael Che: Well, you’ve also been threatening to local vegetation.

Lantern Fly: Oh, how? Because I jump on a tree and stick my mouth on it and suck all the sap out till it’s dead? Oh, y’all got a problem with that? Oh, I’m here now bitch. Cash me outside. Sucking all your trees to dead.

Michael Che: Lantern fly, please calm down. I think people have the right to be upset. I mean people rely on the crops you’re destroying.

Lantern Fly: I don’t care. Crops knows what they did. Crops frighten me. And if I see crops, I’m sucking them on site.

Michael Che: Well, lantern fly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight.

Lantern Fly: Oh, hell no!

Michael Che: Let’s bring crops out.

[Crop walks in shouting and trying to fight with Lantern Fly]

Crop: Try to suck me to death. Try! You can’t even try.

Lantern Fly: Yes I can.

Crop: Oh, you do lot of talking, but you ain’t doing a lot of sucking.

[Lantern Fly and Crop start fighting.]

Michael Che: Lantern fly, everybody.

Lantern Fly: Keep stomping, bitch. Keep stomping.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Send Something Normal

Halen Hardy… Miles Teller

Adam Levine… Mikey Day

Armie Hammer… James Austin Johnson

Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with people in game show set]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s easiest game show “Send Something Normal”.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Halen Hardy]

Halen Hardy: All right, America. Welcome to send something normal. I’m your host Halen Hardy. For those of you that don’t know, the game is very simple. We have four male celebrity contestants, and all they have to do is reply to a woman’s DM on Instagram in a way that is normal. And fellows, if you send a normal DM, you win $100 million. Again, the game is send a woman a normal DM and you win $100 million. Now, let’s meet our first contestant Adam Levine. Now we all know why you’re here, Adam.

Adam Levine: I was bad.

Halen Hardy: Yes, you were Adam. Next up coming to us all the way from his involuntary career change, Armie Hammer.

Armie Hammer: Yes. Yeah, hi. Can I get a big welcome back to Hollywood round of applause?

Halen Hardy: No, you may not. And next up, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Well. Thank you for having me. What a pleasure. Why am I here?

Halen Hardy: Well, Neil, you haven’t had a DM scandal yet, but hey, you never know.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh, please. In my circles, DM stands for divalent magnesium. [laughs alone] But I do suppose in our infinite alternative realities, anything’s possible.

Halen Hardy: And our final contestant, it’s SNL cast member, Bowen Yang.
Bowen Yang: Hello.

Halen Hardy: Now, Bowen is our returning champion. Last week, he racked up over $1.4 billion. Bowen, what do you attribute your success to?

Bowen Yang: Oh, being gay.

Halen Hardy: Makes sense to me. All right, Adam Levine. How are you going to respond to this woman’s DM? “Hey, Adam. Huge fan. Love your music.”

Adam Levine: Umm. Okay, tough call. Can I see her most liked vacation photo?

Halen Hardy: Seems like that couldn’t possibly help but sure. Gotta say Adam, don’t love that hand lotion.

Adam Levine: Okay, okay, I have my answer.

Halen Hardy: All right.

Adam Levine: All right. Gonna kick things off with a “Hoooly moly!”

Halen Hardy: Are you sure?

Adam Levine: Yeah. But I got three more though. “Hoooooly moooly”. “Holy crap”. “Your body is making my penis smile.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Sorry, Adam. You almost had it there.

Adam Levine: Oh, okay. I did?

Halen Hardy: No. Armie Hammer, it’s your turn to respond. Your messages. “Hey, Armie, hope you’re doing okay.”

Armie Hammer: All right, look, I know there’s been a lot of talk about me in the press. But I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I’ve changed. So I have my message.

Halen Hardy: What’s it going to be?

Armie Hammer: I want to break open your bones and suck out the marrow.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: All right. Let’s go to Neil. Your messages is “Hey, Neil. I love your podcast.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh my goodness. What a kind message. What a nice woman, deserves a well researched response. Please show me her most likes vacation photo.

Halen Hardy: You too Neil? Alright.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Um-hmm. Um-hmm. Okay. Alright, calculating.

Halen Hardy: Now Neil, let me help you out here. You will win if you just say thank you.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I have an alternate response. “Salutations. Perhaps if the stars do align, you would like to come over and peer into my telescope, metaphorically speaking.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Now Neil, are you asking that woman to look into your penis?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: [smiles] I suppose I was. Is that not normal?

Halen Hardy: No, no. All right, next up is Bowen Yang. Bowen, got a good feeling you’re gonna win this round.

Bowen Yang: Me too.

Halen Hardy: Your message is “Hey, Bo, I’m a huge fan. I would love to be your friend.”

Bowen Yang: Oh that’s so nice. Well this will be easy I’ll just say…

Halen Hardy: Just before you start, the message is from Dua Lipa.

Bowen Yang: Oh, no.

Halen Hardy: Got a response, Bowen?

Bowen Yang: “Hooooly mooly!” “Hoooly crap!” “Your music makes my penis smile.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Bowen, come on, man. Horrible. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break. But when we come back, we’ll see if any of these guys can just say nothing at all.

Adam Levine: I’ll give you a hint. I’m gonna say I might need to see that booty!

ManningCast Cold Open

Peyton Manning… Miles Teller

Eli Manning… Andrew Dismukes

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Lawyer… Chloe Fineman

Kristi Noem… Heidi Gardner

Michael Longfellow

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Xi Jinping… Bowen Yang

Corn kid… Devon Walker

Shaun White

[Starts with intro of Monday Night football with Peyton & Eli] [cut to Peyton Manning and Eli Manning on split screen]

Peyton Manning: Hey everybody, I’m Peyton Manning. [cheers and applause]

Eli Manning: And I’m Eli Manning, his brother.

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I think they know we’re brothers because the same last name.

Eli Manning: Oh, yeah.

Peyton Manning: Now this is our Manning Cast where we do live analysis of what’s already playing on TV. Normally we do it during Monday Night Football.

Eli Manning: Yeah, but tonight it’s not Monday. It’s Saturday.

Peyton Manning: Great insight, Eli.

Eli Manning: Yeah. So instead of football, we decided to check out the season premiere of SNL.

Peyton Manning: There are a lot of changes at the show, which couldn’t be exciting. Let’s see what they spent the entire summer coming up with.

Eli Manning: Okay, we got an establishing shot of Mar-a-Lago.

Peyton Manning: Oh, good Trump sketch. Way to mix it up.

[SNL sketch is being played at the right hand side of the screen]

Lawyer: Mr. President, as your lawyer, I don’t think we should be hiding during a hurricane.

Donald Trump: Actually, it’s the safest place I’ve been in two years. There’s no lawyers, no FBI. I’m in my happy place.

Eli Manning: Okay, not bad.

Lawyer: A few guests wanted to say hello, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Please call me current president.

Eli Manning: Why are guests visiting during a hurricane?

Peyton Manning: All right, now it looks like we got a rookie leading the senior cast member into the room. Probably go to run a simple “Right this way, ma’am.”

[Kristi Noem and Michael  walk into the office]

Michael : Right this way, ma’am.

Eli Manning: Telegraphed it.

Peyton Manning: Oh, and he doesn’t close the door behind them. Now, now he’s trying to fix it. The new guys fully panicking. He’s just staring at the camera.

Eli Manning: Oh god. And you know what? That might be the only time we see him tonight.

Peyton Manning: Let’s see what Heidi’s got. She’s never let me down.

Lawyer: Sir, the governor of South Dakota is here.

Kristi Noem: Hello, I’m Governor Kristi Noem and I [in funny Italian accent] want to take your abortion rights.

Peyton Manning: And she let me down.

Eli Manning: Okay. Timeout. What the hell was that?

Peyton Manning:  The governor of South Dakota, a political impression that no one asked for? What about fun impression like Anthony Fauci or Lindsey Graham or Rudy Giuliani?

Eli Manning: No, those are all Kate McKinnon.

Peyton Manning: Damn.

Kristi Noem: I also want to say Happy early Columbus Day, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, we love Columbus, don’t we? Sailed right up the edge of the world but landed in Haiti and got to work.

Peyton Manning: I got to point out where’s the balance politically? They’re making Trump Columbus jokes. Meanwhile, Joe Biden’s lost his damn marbles. They’re not even gonna mention that?

Eli Manning: Oh, hold that thought Don Jr. is coming in.

Donald Trump Jr. : [walks in with a lifejacket and an oars] Dad, I hate to cut the party short. But we should really get out of here. The President of China can only hold so many nuclear secrets.

Xi Jinping: [holding a nuclear book] Let’s just say I’m happier than when the Queen’s Corgis found out they weren’t going with Prince Andrew.

Peyton Manning: Okay, okay, that confused me. And did Bowen say Corgi? Does he not know it’s pronounced Cordy?

Eli Manning: Yeah, it’s a surprising fumble from the veteran Yang. He was supposed to take a step up this year, but you can tell the pressure is getting to him.

Peyton Manning: Meanwhile, looks like Sarah Sherman is just peeking in the window trying to watch the sketch.

Eli Manning: And now she’s realized she’s caught and tries to make a smooth exit. Wow. I mean, they’re all professionals. But so are the New York Jets.

Peyton Manning: This shows in the rebuild near for sure. Let’s take a look at the stats so far. 14 attempted jokes this episode only, one mild laugh and three chuckles.

Eli Manning: Yeah, and you know Peyton, I heard they stay up till Kristi Noemam writing this show.

Peyton Manning: When do they start writing the show? 4:30? Thank god they’ve got Kendrick Lamar, because that’s the only reason anyone is tuning in.

Eli Manning: Alright, let’s check back in on their little skit.

Donald Trump: Now President Xi, you’re not helping out Vladimir Putin are you? Because as Brandi told Monica, the boy is mine?

Xi Jinping: Hey, it is what it is. Am I right? It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Wait, wait, wait. Is he trying to make that a catchphrase? It is what it is?

Eli Manning: Oh god. Look, he’s saying it’s a camera now.

Xi Jinping: It is what it is.

Peyton Manning: Desperate stuffs. Anyway, joining us now is a three time host of SNL during what now seems like a golden era. Jon Hamm. [Jon Hamm appears on the screen] John, what have you seen so far tonight?

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. But it’s not comedy. I mean, they haven’t even used Kenan yet. That’s like putting a whole team of Eli’s on the field. You’ve got Peyton sitting on the sidelines. No offence, Eli.

Eli Manning: Oh no, I agree.

Peyton Manning: And what about new cast? Anyone you’re excited about?

Jon Hamm: Well, I’ve been scouting Devon Walker at local bar shows for years and I think the kid’s really got something.

Peyton Manning: Well, here comes this chance.

Lawyer: Sir, the corn kid is here to see you.

[Corn kid walks in with a corn in his hands]

Corn kid: It’s corn. It’s got the juice.

Eli Manning: Oh hell no. Corn kid? Devin Walker’s first appearance on national TV and they got him doing corn kid?

Peyton Manning: Pity you.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, it could be worse. It looks like they got Molly and Marcelo doing the gritty.

Eli Manning: It’s a humiliating attempt of relevance.

Jon Hamm: I don’t know. Maybe this is strategic, like what a sports team takes to get a better draft pick next year.

Lawyer: And sir, this special master from the classified documents investigation is here. He finished reviewing your docket.

Shaun White: I’ve decided they’re all awesome.

Peyton Manning: Shaun White? That is just gratuitous stunt casting.

Jon Hamm: Yeah, well, you know, sometimes they need to bring in a real celebrity when the host isn’t that famous.

Peyton Manning: Right.

Jon Hamm: I mean, when they couldn’t get the star of the big summer movie or Tom Cruise or your Jon Hamm, they had to get the co star.

Peyton Manning: Well, I heard they rarely put the host in cold open, so when they do, it is special.

Jon Hamm:  Special or is it desperate?

Peyton Manning: All right. Thanks for stopping by Jon. I know Jon’s got to get out of here.

Jon Hamm: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna stick around and see what the hell this show is gonna be.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Grimace

Birdie the Early Bird… Sarah Sherman

Ronald McDonald… Mikey Day

Hamburglar… Bowen Yang

Mayor McCheese… Kenan Thompson

Grimace… Miles Teller

[Starts with four characters from McDonald’s standing together in a jungle]

Birdie the Early Bird: Wow, it’s so great. McDonald’s is getting the gang back together for a new ad campaign.

Ronald McDonald: Totally. This is gonna be so fun. Hey, has anyone seen Grimace?

Hamburglar: No, but if I know him, he’s snarfing down a couple of free Game burgers.

[all laughing]

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, probably more than a couple, huh?

Grimace: Hi, everyone. [Grimace walked in all jacked up]

Ronald McDonald: What the—?

Grimace: Hey fellas, hello.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? Oh my god Did you—

Grimace: Lose 300 pounds this summer? Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: Man you You look incredible. I had no idea—

Grimace: I lost 300 pounds and got totally yoked up? Yeah.

Hamburglar: Okay, so then how did you—

Grimace: Drop 300 and get stacked to the heavens? Well, I started walking to work. Drink a lot of water and oh, I also stopped eating McDonald’s for every meal.

Ronald McDonald: Well, I’m happy for you. Paula must be thrilled.

Grimace: Oh, well yes, she’s happy for me. But yeah, we got divorced.

Birdie the Early Bird: Oh, no. You guys were so solid. What happened?

Grimace: Well, I got this new body and— Look, I hate to say it fellas, but I was swerving this summer.

Hamburglar: Swerving? What swerving?

Grimace: Cheating constantly on my wife.

Ronald McDonald: Cool. So look, maybe we shoot that commercial? Yeah?

Grimace: Absolutely, man. It’s your world. It’s been a long summer of self discovery. And I just want you to know, if you do the work and dig really deep, I promise you would find some surprises. Anyway, let’s do this brother. I’m excited.

Ronald McDonald: Okay, great. Everyone ready?

All: Yeah.

Ronald McDonald: And action.

[music playing]

Birdie the Early Bird: I wanna make double.

Hamburglar: I wanna steal your hamburgers.

Ronald McDonald: I want to give the whole world a happy meal.

Grimace: And I, well I’m a bisexual man.

Ronald McDonald: And cut! Cut.

Grimace: Wow, felt really good to say that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Grimace? You’re bisexual?

Grimace: Yeah, I like both. This summer I realized that. I was getting off a plane. And when I said bye to the flight attendants, one of them shook my hand and kissed it. And I realized I like both.

Hamburglar: Okay, congrats Grimace.

Grimace: And I’d like to say that I’m bi in commercial. It’s really important to me and I don’t even really eat McDonald’s anymore.

Ronald McDonald: Yeah, well, let me think about that.

Birdie the Early Bird: Hey, if you’re happy, we’re happy.

Grimace: Happy? Yeah.

Grimace thinking: Am I happy? Yeah, I don’t know. I think I am happy.

Grimace: Guys, I have some pretty big news. I’m bisexual.

Birdie the Early Bird: Yeah, you said that already.

Grimace:  Well, it’s just liberating to let go of a secret but I guess you guys wouldn’t understand.

Mayor McCheese: Well, I got a secret.

Hamburglar: Oh my god, ham and cheese.

Ronald McDonald: I forgot you were there. You literally haven’t said a thing since we’ve been here.

Mayor McCheese: Well, the thing is, I ain’t always have a cheeseburger for head. See when I was a young man, I was actually a human prince. One day I went to McDonald’s. Outside on the street, man, was the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen. She looked busted. Shorty had bumps on her nose, asking me to buy her a burger. Anyway. Long story short, I threw a bunch of brand new burgers in the trash. Next thing you know, man, she zapped me. That’s how I got this cheeseburger head. Also, I’m bisexual. I like both.

Grimace: Hell, yeah.

Birdie the Early Bird and Hamburglar: We’re bi too.

Grimace: Ronald, how about you, haul? You bi?

Ronald McDonald: Sure I’m bi… buying a peloton, so I can start swerving like Grimace.

[cut to McDonald’s outro]

Male voice: Pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, I’m lovin’ both.

Charmin Bears

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Daughter… Punkie Johnson

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Son… Myles Teller

William… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Daughter and Mom waiting outside a door]

Daughter: That’s been in there for Daughter7 minutes. It’s gonna be late for work.

Mom: Honey, everything okay?

[Dad runs out of the door and starts singing and dancing]

Dad: [singing] No itches, no scratch
my booty feels so snatch

All: Thank you Charmin, yeah
thank you Charmin, yeah
we smiling cheek to cheek
we smiling cheek to cheek
thank you Charmin, whoo!

Daughter: I was so worried for a second there, dad.

Dad: Oh, don’t worry, sweetie. It’s not my first time and it won’t be my last today.

Mom: Amen.

Daughter: Now wait! Where’s Toby? Why didn’t he join in?

Son: [standing in the corner] Sorry, I’m over here. I didn’t hear you singing.

Mom: What’s wrong, son? Are you stopped up?

Dad: Yeah, Toby, you okay? Wait, what you reading there? What is this? Is this? It’s an acceptance letter to toilet paper college. My son is going to TPC.

Mom: Oh my god. What?

Dad: Son, I’m about to cry. Toilet paper College. Oh, I can’t believe this is happening.

Son: I’m sorry, dad, it’s not. I’m not going.

Dad: Well, well, well, hang on there. Hang on. I don’t think I heard you right.

Son: Then take the Charmin out of your ears, dad. I changed my mind.

Dad: Now listen to me, boy. You are the first member of this family to go to college, and you are getting that BFA.

Son: I don’t want a bachelor of flushing arts.

Dad: Well, I don’t care what you want,

Mom: Keith, relax.

Dad: No, no, I worked in that toilet paper mine for 40 years. 40 years!

Daughter: It’s true Toby. He’s down there with his pickaxe all day just gathering up those roads.

Dad: And I did not work my poles to the bone just to see you throw this away. You getting that degree in deprecatory studies and urinary arcs?

Son: Why is everything in our lives have to revolve around going to the bathroom?

Mom: Because sweetie, we’re bears. Don’t you understand? We do two things. We eat honey, and we shoot it out.

Son: Well, I want more mom. I want more than just eating honey and shooting it out.

Dad: You are not my son.

Daughter: Dad, don’t say that.

Dad: No, go upstairs to your room, Stacy. I’m gonna maul your brother now.

Daughter: No. Toby, can you just please do what he wants?

Son: But what about what I want?

Mom: Well, what is it?

Son: I want to dance mama. I want to dance.

Dad: We danced at the beginning.

Son: Not toilet dancing, not twerking because our asses are clean. I’m talking about art. Don’t you get it?

Mom: No, I don’t get this day at all.

Son: Then let me show you. William, can you come in?

[William walks in]

William: Hello. I apologize for being late. I was using your bathroom.

Daughter: That’s our kitchen.

William: Then you have my apologies.

Dad: Who is this?

Son: I met him in dance class.

Dad: What?

William: I can tell by your reaction that this is shocking news but I have more. Your son is good.

Son: Please dad, just give me a chance.

Dad: I can’t believe I’m doing this but all right. But if I’m not impressed, you are going to that doo-doo college.

Son: Deal. [music playing] I’m so scared.

William:  Hey, don’t be.

[They start doing the TikTok dances]

Dad: [sobbing] Oh my god. Oh my god.

Mom: Honey, you’re crying.

Dad: Yes. My son is a dancer!

Guidance Counselors

Aidy Bryant

Mr. Barbizar… Bowen Yang

Mrs. barbizar… Ego Nwodim

Ninnie… Selena Gomez

[Starts with Aidy at the stage of college]

Aidy: Okay, seniors give it up for your mascot, Sal the Spooked Horse.

[Sal the spooked horse walks in and jumps around] [cheers ad applause] [Sal the spooked horse walks out]

Now, the guidance counselor’s wanted to give some advice before graduation season. So please welcome Mr. And Mrs. Barbizar.

[Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar walk in]

Mr. and Mrs. Barbizar: Hi, hi.

Mrs. Barbizar: Good morning. What an honor to address the old dirty bastard High School Class of 2022.

Mr. Barbizar: We are so proud of you. But a lot of you may be unsure what to do after high school. There are so many career paths.

Mrs. Barbizar: It’s hard to know what you like or what you’re good at.

Mr. Barbizar: So our advice to everyone is…

Mr and Mrs. Barbizar: Model.

Mrs. Barbizar: Get into modeling.

Chris: Sorry, are you saying we should be models after we graduate?

Mrs. Barbizar: Yes, exactly. Model.

Mr. Barbizar: Our advice to students is model.

Mrs. Barbizar: Because in this moment, you’re the youngest you’ll ever be and you just missed it up.

Mr. Barbizar: Yap, maybe it’ll help if an ODB alum comes out and talks about her experience modeling.

Mrs. Barbizar: You guys want that?

Mr. Barbizar: Yeah, you do.

Mrs. Barbizar: Okay, please welcome spokesperson for modeling from the class of 2017, Ninnie Sips.

Mr. Barbizar: Ninnie.

[Ninnie walks in]

Ninnie: Wow. Thank you so much for having me. When I was in high school, the one thing I wished someone told me was model.

Mr. Barbizar: See?

Mrs. Barbizar: Model.

Ninnie: And now I’m proud to say I’m the first person in my family to not go to college.

Mrs. Barbizar: Congratulations. Ninnie, the time has come. Let’s show them how to do 80 poses and five seconds..

Mr. Barbizar: Hit the track. [music playing and all three of them do different poses] Wow, that was amazing.

Mrs. Barbizar: Work!

Ninnie: Any questions?

Chris: Hi. Yeah, I’m really good at math and I really love math. And I always wanted to be an accountant. Do I have to be a model?

Mrs. Barbizar: You don’t have to, but let me ask you this. Do you want to live in Paris or Syracuse?

Ninnie: Do you want to work at H&M or H in our block?

Mr. Barbizar: Do you want to do Leonardo DiCaprio or do taxes with someone named Leon did nothing? How tall are you?

Melissa: 5’6″.

Mr. Barbizar: Keep working on that?

Mrs. Barbizar: Be taller.

Ninnie: You, I like your look. How old are you?

Chloe: 17.

Ninnie: That’s perfect, stay that age forever.

Mr. Barbizar: Ninnie, let’s show them 100 faces in five seconds. Go.

[music playing and all three of them do different faces]

Wow.

Mrs. Barbizar: That was amazing. That was modeling.

Melissa: Wait, are you guys models? Do you have modeling experience?

Ninnie: Yes. On my flight here, someone was choking and people were asking if there was a model on the plane. So I modeled. And that was the last thing he saw.

Mr. Barbizar: That’s amazing. So what do you say kids? Wanna come with us on model all over the world?

Chloe: Yes!

Kyle: I’m gonna be model.

Melissa: Me too.

Ninnie: Good, so let’s start. Everyone do 10,000 poses in 1 million seconds.

All three: Music.

[music playing] [all of the students are doing poses]

Bratz Dolls

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Father… Kyle Mooney

Girl… Sarah Sherman

Jade… Selena Gomez

Gigi… Aidy Bryant

Dylan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a mother and a father talking to their daughter]

Mom: No nothing has to change, sweetie. And none of this is your fault.

Girl: But I don’t want you guys to get a divorce.

Dad: Don’t worry, we still love you very much.

Mom: And your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what’s best for the family.

Girl: I think I just want to be alone if that’s okay.

Dad: Sure, honey. We’re here if you need us.

Girl: I guess this is growing up. Hmm. I wish I could talk to you guys about this. I can’t believe my dolls are my only friends. [magical sound. The three dolls come to life] Wow, what’s happening?

Gigi: Hey, tiny bitch.

Dylan: Sounds like you’re in a crisis.

Jade: And we’re your friends. So we’re here to help you.

Girl: Wait, what? Who are you guys?

[music playing]

Dylan: Well, we’re a global fashion sensation.

Jade: Sexy dolls for preteens.

Gigi: We are your Bratz doll.

All: We are girls with a passion for fashion clothes.

Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bratz

Girl: Bratz? You’re alive?

Gigi: Stupid queen. We watch over you every day. Like God but slutty.

Jade: We come to life every time a girl’s parents gets a divorce.

Dylan: Yeah, and we’re for girls who are too old for Claire’s, but too young for Talbots.

Jade: Jade. I have a flip phone boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.

Gigi: I’m Gigi. I used to be an American Girl doll until I found sex.

Dylan: And me, I’m Dylan. I’m a boy Bratz. I have a hard time making male friends because we’re competitive about sports and girls.

Girl: Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.

Jade: Shut the hell up, you fluff. Your mom, she’s like a bitch.

Gigi: But what’s the deal with your dad? He’s interesting to us.

Girl: I don’t love how you asked that. I guess he’s a research analyst.

Dylan: That’s weird. He seems like a DJ who loves bottle service.

Girl: No.

Jade: Hot. What does his new girlfriend look like? Brunette? Blonde?

Gigi: Yeah. Or is she, like, a doll with giant eyes and platform flip flops?

Dylan: Or is she boy like me?

Girl: What? I just don’t get why my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.

Gigi: Umm, I’ll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this.

Girl: Okay, guys, I’m seriously having a hard time here. Don’t you have any real advice for me?

Jade: Yes. Always remember, be true. Be real. Be Bratz.

Girl: Okay, I’ll try that.

Gigi: Hey, no, we’re not done yet. Also be authentic. And be a bitch to every waiter you see.

She: All right, thank you.

Dylan: Stop interrupting us. Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as Bratz. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.

All: Ba-da-da Chosen, Pam-pa-pam-pam Family

Girl: Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug?

Dylan: Um, no, sorry. We’re holding stuff.

Girl: No, you’re not.

Gigi: We might be later though.

Dylan: Yeah.

Girl: Okay, can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now?

All: No.

Jade: We’re going to Miami with your dad.

All: Ha-ha-ha. Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bitch.

Chuck E Cheese

Chloe Fineman

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Bowen Yang

Benedict Cumberbatch

Julie… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Munch… Kenan Thompson

Katie Carrot… Katie Carrot Strong

Pascuale the pizza chef… Aristotle Athari

[Starts Chloe getting a table in Chuck E. cheese’s]

Chloe: Come on, buddy, let’s grab our seats.

Mikey: Alright. I think the show is starting.

Alex: Hey, everybody, I know you came to see Chuck E. and his pals but we have some technical problems. And Chuck E. and the Pizza Time band are not running right now.

Chloe: Aw, that’s why we came.

Alex: Yeah, I know. I know. I’m sorry about that. But the show must go on.Good. Okay. And great news,  I reached out on Twitter to my favorite British band from 1983 and they were available. So please welcome Reflection Denied.

[Ben and Bowen walk to the stage]

Ben: Amongst the basil and the Pomodoro, did I experience my reverie? Here at Chuck E. Cheese, existing in the liminal space between them all and the highway. Before the big bang that was pizza?

[music playing]

Bowen: Greetings children and children of the mind. We are Reflection Denied but today I’m a vessel for the eponymous rodent, Charles Entertainment cheese.

Ben: And I for Fantasy Giles. Join us on a soundscape of pizza…

Bowen: Game…

Ben: And soulful longing.

Bowen: [singing] I reached self concept at the pizza plex.
I forgot my taste and smell

Ben: Games and sauce, games and sauce

Bowen: She bowling while I’m ski falling
you read my mind so well

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

Mikey: This is fun, right, bud?

Chloe: Is this for kids?

Mikey: I think it’s for him.

[Alex is dancing hard with no care]

Bowen: I cried alone in the bowl pit
Oh father, where are you?

Ben: Games and sauce, games and sauce

Bowen: Mr. Pender out of Dr. Pepper
Why today have bow

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

Bowen: If you’d like to book us for future gigs or tip us in Dippin Dots, please see Julie.

Chloe: Who is Julie?

Mikey: I’m guessing she is.

Ben and Bowen: Tokens for tickets, tickets for prizes
parents paying for dreams.
Win and old yoyo or an iPod Shuffle,
they’ve been here since 2003

Bowen: Now we bring dispatches of birthday celebration, Coby G and Mason S. congratulations on the anniversary of emerging from your mother’s vagina.

Ben: To the Indian Ridge Little League team, your coach says pizza is for winners. So tonight you starve.

Bowen: Huh? Do you hear that? The rumbling of 1000 hungers?

Ben: Is it?

Bowen: It is.

Ben: The physical voice of pizza, the insatiable Mr. Munch.

[Mr. Munch walks in]

Mr. Much: Querp, querp, querp,  querp,  querp,  querp,  querp
Pizza in my tummy.

Mikey: It’s Munch! He’s hungry, bud?

Bowen: Hungry for validation, for he was abandoned on a Ferris wheel and Malpais. The bastard child of a Cirque du Soleil performer and grimace. Applaud him, applaud his bravery.

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

Chloe: Oh, look. That’s Pascuale the pizza chef.

Mikey: Was he always so sexy?

[Pascuale the pizza chef runs around the stage and runs out.]

Ben: Now, children, a cautionary tale. Did you know that Chuck E. Cheese has a salad bar?

Bowen: An untouched place where hope goes to die. And here to tell us about it is Katie Carrot.

[Katie Carrot walks in wearing carrot costume]

Katie Carrot: Longing for contact under clear plastic,
broken disposable thongs
cold linguini, pepper on chini
where did we go wrong?
Romaine is all the remain

Ben: She’s dying.

Katie Carrot: Romaine is all that remains

Chloe: Wow. I know that carrot. I’ve been that carrot.

Ben: We’re all that carrot. Listen.

Bowen: Tonight, the call goes out to all the world. Throw off the shackles of your dark buzz, your religion, your racial animus.

Ben: And unite under one banner, the banner of pizza.

Bowen: Also the pink gun on the Time Crisis II game is broken.

Ben: Oh, yes. And someone left a diaper in the ball pit. Now unite and sing.

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me