Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping] [cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Sea Shanty

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Regé-Jean Page

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Johnny Fitzlafet… Bad Bunny

Ship fielder… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching History channel. At nine, it’s “Trimming a Tyrant: Hitler’s Hairdresser”. But now, it’s “Songs of the Sea”

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Sea shanties may be the latest viral trend on TikTok, but they began as work songs on the square-rigged ships of the Age of Sail. Here’s a reenactment of a shanty sung abroad the whaling vessel, the SS Gillenpool.

[Cut to the show. There are men on a ship working and doing their parts.]

Andrew: [walking in with a backpack] Oh, the day has finally arrived. My first journey on a whaling ship.

Alex: Ha-ha! Look at him, all excited.

Beck: Still in short pants.

Bowen: Doesn’t have his sea legs.

Kenan: Oh, his curly hairs.

All: Laughing.

Rege: Ah! You’ll get the hang of it, Greenhorn.

Kyle: We sing to make the work easier.

Mikey: What do you say, boys?

Kenan: Heave-ho!

Rege: [singing] There once was a ship called the Fiddle Dee Dee
The ship has been about
103
we left our wives and we went to the sea
for we all love life on the waves

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro

for now we’re off to sea

Andrew: Oh, the life I’ve always dreamed. I’m living it.

Rege: We all are, boy. You’re lucky to find yourself aboard the finest vessel with the finest crew!

All: Yeah!

Rege: Tell him where we’re headed, boys.

Beck: [singing] First we go to Hawaii shore
then up to Alaska, then back to Hawaii
China, Brazil, then Alaska again
the trip takes eighteen months

Andrew: What?

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the meat is bugs and the beer is bugs
my will is bugs and my friends are bugs
and I’ll be eating my friends, Ho!

Andrew: That doesn’t sound fun at all.

Rege: Oh, trust me, boy, there’s nothing more fun than life on a boat. Right boys?

All: Yeah!

Kenan: [singing] Does anyone else not feel so good?
I’ve never been on a boat before
does it do this the whole time?
I’m going to go lay down

Mikey: I drank a bunch of salt water
and I don’t feel good and I feel really weird
and my stomach really hurts and I’m seeing ghosts
may I please go lay down?

Bowen: Crap, you guys, I got a splinter
we don’t have a cure for that
the only cure is cutting off your head
I guess I’m going to die

All: Ho-ho, we don’t have food
we can’t catch fish and we didn’t bring water
we also forgot the anchor, oops
does anyone know where we are? Ha!

Andrew: Wait, does anyone know where we are?

Rege: Of course. Just ask our navigator – Johnny Fitzlafet.

[Johnny Fitzlafet walks out]

Johnny Fitzlafet: Ola! The ocean is that way and that way and behind us and kind of all around.

Andrew: Do you even have a map?

Johnny Fitzlafet: Hell yeah, I got the map right here. [Johnny Fitzlafet pulls out a paper. He unrolls it. It’s a kid-made picture of a boat on a sea.] See? Look. We got the boat.

Andrew: Oh my god, we are gonna die.

Rege: No, we’re not. You’re on a safest vessel on the four seas.

Andrew: It’s seven.

Rege: Just ask the ship fielder himself.

[Ship fielder walks out]

Ship fielder: That’s right. I built this beauty myself. Side note, is it supposed to be wet below deck? There’s like, two feet of water. I spent so much time on the top, I might have forgot to build the floor.

Andrew: So, you don’t know how a boat works?

Ship fielder: Of course I do.

[singing] The ropes are attacked to the sails, I think
you pull this one and you move that one

the steering wheel, the something too
I left the life boats at home

All: Ho-ho, we’ll never come home,
we’re stuck out here and we’re all alone

our friends will eat our brittle bones
you’ll all get scurvy and die, ha!

Rege: Ha-ha! No better death than being eaten alive by your closest mates 45 minutes from shore.

Beck: A hero’s death.

Andrew: Yeah. I don’t think we have to kill each other yet. I can still see my wife.

Chris: Forget your wife, you’re sea’s now.

Ship fielder: There’s plenty of gorgeous wives on the seas.

Andrew: There is?

Kyle: Aye, no better wife than the hole in the whale.

Alex: I stuck a blanket in a little barrel. It’s in my bunk and it’s my wife.

Rege: And I took two jellyfish and wrapped them in a rubber band, and that’s my gorgeous squishy wife.

Johnny Fitzlafet: [showing his hand] This is my wife. I’m not creative like these guys.

Andrew: Are we going to go look for whales now?

Rege: Whales? What’s wrong with you boy? They’re all dead.

Andrew: Then what are we doing out here?

Rege: I think you know. We’re singing.

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro
and all we’re off to sea

Drivers License

Beck Bennett

Regé-Jean Page

Mikey day

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Old Man… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bunch of guys on a nine-ball pool table]

Beck: Alright, 50 bucks says I kick Bobby’s ass.

Rege: Hey, you tryna hustle me?

Mikey: Shut up and break em’, will ya?

Beck: I’ll break you first. How about that?

Rege: Hey, easy boys, I’ll take all your money by the end of the night. Just let me play my song first.

[Rege plays the song “Driver’s license” on the jukebox]

Beck: Alright. Nine ball, corner pocket. Watch me. [listening to the song] Wait, what am I listening to?

Rege: “Driver’s license” by Olivia Rodrigo.

Pete: Sounds like it’s just some teen girl singing in a room to a piano

Rege: And that’s the beauty of it. You got a problem?

Mikey: What’s this song even about?

Beck: I guess it’s about a girl getting a driver’s license, but it’s bitter sweet because it’s something she and her ex always talked about. That’s what I guess, based on hearing it for the first time right now.

Alex: Yeah, sure, sure. I mean, if you want to get all literal. But, I mean I think I overheard on the news or something that it’s actually about the kids from High School musical. I don’t know.

Pete: Oh, who? Vanessa Hudgens? Zac Efron? Sharpay? That whole crew?

Rege: No, man. High School musical, the series. Olivia wrote about Joshua Bassett who is allegedly now with Sabrina Carpenter. Listen, man.

Song: I just can’t imagine how you could be so okay now that I’m gone

Kenan: She’s got a healthy belt.

Beck and Rege: [singing, holding the pool stick like a mic] Guess you didn’t mean what you wrote in that song about me

Bowen: [standing in the corner being emotional] ‘Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street

Rege: Okay, so I’m not the only one.

Beck: It’s like she ripped the page out of my diary. I mean notebook. I mean plain brown letter. I can’t read or write.

Old man in the corner: I got my license AlexAlex years ago. Why is this hitting me so hard?

Alex: Okay, look. I don’t want to say nothing too controversial, you know, but this is giving me Billy Eillish vibes.

Pete: Yeah, yeah, but the verses are, sorry to say, Taylor?

Rege: I mean obviously it’s Taylor Swift. Taylor’s the root. It’s also pure Olivia, man.

Mikey: [sobbing] It’s pure. That’s for sure.

Alex: Oh dude, are you crying?

Mikey: Nah, it’s just– It almost got me thinking about my breakup. Like, maybe I am Olivia and my bitch ex, Gina, is Joshua Bassett. And Sabrina Carpenter, like, that’s that bastard, Enzo, from the garage.

Rege: Ayo, bro! If Olivia taught us anything, it’s that pain can be creatively generative, man.

Kenan: Yeah. Like, remember when I lost 50 Gs on the Giants? That gave me half of my poems.

Pete: I said it once, I’ll say it again. Taylor.

Rege: Yeah. But Taylor shifted away from autobiographical and now she’s in the pocket creatively. Look at folklore, man. Ultimately, she’s a freaking storyteller.

Pete: Yeah, but I still feel as Taylor. You got a problem?

Rege: With you being purposely reductive, yeah, i got a problem.

Old man in the corner: Boys, boys! Open your hearts and listen. We’re about to get the bridge of our lives.

[everyone in one line singing]

All: Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards
Can’t drive past the places we used to go to

Mikey: ‘Cause I still fuckin’ love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
All: It’s alright man.

Alex: Let it out.

Old man in the corner: I need to hear that freakin bridge again.

All: Yeah!

[singing] Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards

70s Green Room

Maurice… Bowen Yang

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

Fliona… Regina King

Maxine… Aidy Bryant

Mickey… Kenan Thompson

Marty… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with two guys talking about the show in the studio back stage. It’s in Chicago, 1978.]

Maurice: Alright, Kenny. We have to make sure everything is perfect for Fliona show tonight. My job is the line. I have 14 strikes against me. And it’s 15 strikes system.

Kenny: Sounds complicated.

Maurice: Well, she’s very particular.

Kenny: Well, I’ve heard. Everyone has heard of Fliona.

Maurice: Shut up. Here she comes now. Go.

[Fliona walks in]

Fliona: Maurice, you have to got to get us a new tour bus driver. He tried to tell me about his family.

Maurice: I’m sorry, Fliona. That’s the last snafu of the night, I promise.

Fliona: Well good, coz I’m going to be doing all my moves tonight. The seatbelt, the funky turtle, the reach-around. So everything has got to be perfect. And dammit, I’m hungry.

Maurice: Well mama, it’s all good because I sent them your ride a weeks ago. And they got every snack on your list.

Fliona: Good. So they got my yellow M&Ms?

Maurice: No, they do not.

Fliona: What? What did they get? My Danishes?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: My big pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Little pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Shasta?

Maurice: No shasta.

Fliona: Sanka?

Maurice: No sanka.

Fliona: Cocuts?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Hot chops?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Baby carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Grown carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: What about my tuna twist?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Well, I know they got my big ham sandwich. But the ham is cue?

Maurice: Fliona, none of the food is here, Fliona.

Fliona: Well, what do they have?

Maurice: This tiny dry salad.

Fliona: Undressed? [Fliona slaps Maurice] Dammit, Maurice. I can’t have a repeat of Tucson. They forgot my shasta and my vocal cords are locked.

Maurice: I remember, Fliona. You know what? Let’s get you into hair and make up while I make this right. Maxine’s here. She’s all set up.

Maxine: Yep, I got everything on the list, Maurice sent me.

Fliona: Everything?

Maxine: Everything.

Maurice: So you got the afro-sheen?

Maxine: Don’t got it.

Maurice: Curl sticks?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Curl cream?

Maxine: Nah-ah.

Maurice: Bobby pins?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Shiny for lip?

Maxine: No way.

Maurice: Shiny for eye?

Maxine: No how.

Maurice: Shiny for cheek bone.

Maxine: Never.

Maurice: Okay, vaseline?

Maxine: Forgot.

Maurice: Aquanet?

Maxine: Forget.

Maurice: El-net?

Maxine: That’s what?

Maurice: Mascara?

Maxine: No ma’am.

Maurice: Perfume?

Maxine: I’ll give you one guess.

Fliona: Well, what did you bring, girl?

Maxine: A little brush.

Fliona: Dammit, Maxine. Slap Mourice. [Maxine slaps Fliona and runs out.] Maurice, this is feeling like Tucson all over again. And you know I wasn’t nominated for Disco Grammy this year.

Maurice: I know, Fliona. Will you feel better if you slap me again?

Fliona: Yes.

[Fliona slaps Maurice three times] [Mickey and Marty walk in. They are wearing leather jackets and are carrying guitars.]

Mickey: Ay, is this a bad time? I heard people are getting smacked in here.

Maurice: Fliona, this is Mickey and Marty. They’re the band for tonight.

Marty: It’s an honor to meet you, Ms. Fliona. We’re huge fans of your’s.

Fliona: Good. So, you must know all my songs. Right?

Mickey: Oh yeah, every one of them.

Fliona: “Disco Twilight”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Hot Band’s Child”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Nasty Christmas”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: What about “Beep Beep Hoo Hah It’s Me”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Beep Beep Ho Hey Look It’s Charice”?

Mickey: That one sounds familiar but no.

Fliona: Maurice, you are this close to strike 15.

Maurice: Well, you know what? Let’s just set up and we’ll teach the songs. Mickey, you brought the xylophone, right?

Mickey: You know I didn’t.

Maurice: Metronome?

Mickey: You know I won’t.

Maurice: Gramaphone?

Mickey: That’s an old sounding record player.

Maurice: Flute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Fute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Didgeridoo?

Mickey: What’s that?

Maurice: Flerdigurdi?

Mickey: You making fun of me?

Maurice: Theremin?

Mickey: If you get a cut on your leg, put some feramin on it.

Maurice: Kalimba?

Mickey: Who?

Maurice: Flier?

Mickey: You are.

Maurice: Maraca?

Mickey: Absolutely not.

Maurice: Just ready the drums.

Mickey: Yeah, I got those.

Maurice: Well great, where are they?

Mickey: Oh, you want them here?

Fliona: Well, what did you bring?

Marty: We brought bass and two amps.

Fliona: Dammit Maurice. [Mickey punches Maurice] Thank you, baby.

Mickey: No problem.

Maurice: Wait! You know what, Fliona? You don’t need all this stuff. Everything you need is inside of you. Baby, you’ve got it.

Fliona: You mean I’ve got talent?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Style?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Pretty arms?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: And then ass higher than Mount Kilimanjaro?

Maurice: Oh, yes.

Fliona: Okay, boys. Then let’s disco do this gig.

Kenny: Fliona, baby. You gotta go out there and do you thing. Anyone who’s anyone is in the crowd tonight.

Fliona: Who? Lil’ Jimmy?

Kenny: Yeah, Jimmy’s here.

Fliona: Really? What about Cletus Jones?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: John Wayne Brady?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Mrs. Perkins?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Pastor Chris?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Rabbi Shmooly?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Fliona?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: See? That’s me. I tricked you.

Kenny: Oh!

Universal Tram

Jeremy… Mikey Day

Dana… Ego Nwodim

Tobey… Dan Levy

Gru… Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with 1 guiding the guests during the tour.]

Jeremy: Welcome to the Universal Studios Tram Tour, back in action after eight prolonged absence. My name is Jeremy and behind the wheel is Dana. And even though she loves the film, she promises she won’t drive too Fast and Furious today. Right Dana?

Dana: Don’t involve me.

Jeremy: Alright. Fun! Helping me out today is a tour guide in training. Come on up here, Tobey. Say hi.

Tobey: Okay. Actually is Thlobby, pronounced with T-H. And I’m sorry I’m a little jittery. I’ve been here since 6 AM and I was waiting. So, I’m drinking coffee and I never drink coffee. So, it’s just kind of like, “Wad up?” You know? Okay, I’ll stop talking. But I think I like coffee now.

Jeremy: Alright. Let’s get started.

Kenan: Wow! Yeah! Let’s see some movie props.

Jeremy: Alright. Glad you’re excited sir. Alright folks, if you’re not looking at the left side of the tram, please yaba-daba-do so because you’ll see the car from 1993’s, “The Flinstones”. Tobey, take it away.

Tobey: Ha-ha. Great Scot. To your right is one of seven deloreans used in “Back To The Future” franchise which, oh my god– Okay, I read the craziest fan theory about that movie. So like, why does this teenager hang out with his old inventor guy? So, the theory was the doc basically like, groomed Marty to like… molest him?

Jeremy: No.

Tobey: But then the doc regretted it, so the reason that he built the machine was to go back in time to prevent himself from [whispering] molesting Marty. Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said it but I don’t see any kids on this tram.

Jeremy: Okay. Well, I do see kids.

Dana: That theory makes sense though. Dark as hell but it makes sense.

Jeremy: Okay. Let’s move away from that topic please. Alright. And look to your left side, my right. If those bikes look familiar, it’s because they played a key role in getting ET back.

Tobey: Ha-ha. Okay. ET looks like a ball sack came to life. Change my mind.

Jeremy: Hey, Tobey. Family park, family language.

Tobey: I am so sorry. I’m just nervous and I had never drank coffee.

Jeremy: Okay, Tobey, put the coffee down for a bit and take us through this next section.

Tobey: Oh. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Both sides of the tram are props and vehicles from all of the Jurassic films. Okay, wait, wait. What is that old joke? What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotopus.

Jeremy: Okay, we don’t make jokes like that here.

Dana: Ha-ha. I get it. That’s good. Smart too.

Kenan: Um, I don’t get it. Could you explain?

Jeremy: We’re not going to explain that. Alright? But the Jeep too in my right, your left, is where Dennis Nedry squared off with a spitters, dinosaur’s deadly poison. Played by Wayne Knight, best known as Seinfeld’s Newman–

Tobey: Oh my god. Okay. So, that guy, I can’t believe I’m telling you this but what have I got to lose? Newman from Seinfeld is my softner. Okay? If I’m ever getting aroused down there at the wrong time, like at the gym or something, I think of that guy to like, soften things up. I’ll just be on the elliptical going “Newman from Seinfield, Newman from Seinfield”. Ha-ha. Let’s now put it up to the tram. What do you think? What are your softners?

Kenan: Um, Dobby the elf from Harry Potter. Nasty.

Jeremy: Okay. Thank you sir, but we’re not gonna do that.

Dana: Mine is Mr. Bean, goofy dudes don’t get a slick for me.

Tobey: I know, right?

Jeremy: Guys, please, alright? At this time, how about I welcome any groups joining us today. Hello and apologies to the Sun Coast church Christian Youth Fellowship.

Andrew: Do I have to say my softner?

Jeremy: No, no, you do not young man. Oh-oh. Guys, it looks like someone despicable is approaching the tram. Oh, it’s Gru from Despicable Me/Minions franchise.

Gru: It smells like tourist in here.

[Tobey looking at Gru]

Tobey: Dylan? He used to be my best friend. But you want to talk about the despicable, he got into coke and ditched me for all of his shady coke-head friends.

Gru: Ha-ha. What? No.

Tobey: Stop doing that, Dylan. You’re going to die.

Gru: Okay, bye. Enjoy the park.

Jeremy: Okay. Tobey, really need you to stay on the script, okay? Now folks, we’re heading to the Skull Island, home of King Kong.

Tobey: Okay. I cannot hear King Kong without thinking of the night I lost my virginity. It is the craziest story.

Jeremy: Okay. Give me your mic.

Tobey: Why?

Jeremy: Okay. Give me your mic.

Keman: Let the man talk.

 

Super Bowl Pod

Heidi Gardner

Shel… Kyle Mooney

Brandon… Dan Levy

Dale… Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

PSY… Bowen Yang

[Starts with five friends getting ready to watch football in home. They’re all wearing masks.]

Heidi: It’s so good to see everyone.

Shel: I can’t believe we’re having a Super Bowl party.

Brandon: I know. Is this okay? Like, should we be doing this?

Dale: Well, I’ve been super safe.

Chris: Same here.

Shel: Me too.

Dale: So then, masks off?

[they all take their masks off]

Brandon: God, I feel so free.

Shel: We’ve all been so good. We deserve this.

Dale: Totally. We have. And full disclosure, not a big deal, Angie and I went to PF chains for her birthday. We ate outdoors. Relax.

Shel: That’s cool.

Brandon: You’re fine.

Chris: Man, I’ve been crazy with this covid stuff. I haven’t left my house at all. I mean, I have been to the grocery store and the laundromat.

Brandon: Yeah, of course. Food, clothes.

Chris: And obviously I’m still doing my wrestling club, so…

Dale: Yeah. But that’s just a group of what? 20-30 really nice guys?

Shel: Wrestling a few nights guys, dude, you’re good.

Heidi: Yeah. I mean, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Exactly. I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of my pod in almost a year.

Brandon: Oh my gosh, I feel you. I’m on quarantine burnout.

Dale: Yeah. It’s just me, my wife, my brother… his wife, obviously their neighbor, his brother, my grandparents and their nursing home. Oh, and I go into work.

Brandon: Sorry. What is it that you do again?

Dale: I’m a mouth masseuse. I massage mouths.

Shel: Oh, that’s fine. I mean, you’re not kissing them, right?

Dale: Just hello and goodbye. And sometimes while I massage them.

Brandon: Yeah, but that’s work. We are doing everything right.

Heidi: Yeah. I don’t understand how people are still getting sick.

Chris: Well see, the problem is they’re going out and doing normal activities like seeing friends and stuff.

All: So stupid.

Brandon: So disgusting. What about you, Shel? Single guy over there? You look lonely and depressed.

Shel: Absolutely. Of course, now it’s all about zoom dating. For me, it’s just too awkward. So, I’ve been having raw dog sex with the strangers in the park.

Heidi: Outside with air, you’re fine.

Brandon: Yeah. For me, it’s just been Netflix, Netflix and more Netflix.

Chris: What have you been watching?

Brandon: Oh, no. For meetings, I’m flying all over LA, London, Brazil.

Shel: Well, you got the vaccine, didn’t you?

Brandon: Oh, yeah. Actually, I’ve got it. I’ve got it right here. [showing the vaccine in it’s small container]

Heidi: Are you gonna take it?

Brandon: Yeah. I mean, I take it everywhere I go.

Shel: Great thinking, Brandon.

Chris: Hey, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Who’s hungry for my famous chilly? [everybody get excited] Because of covid, I don’t want to share utensils.

Brandon: Totally. Let’s be smart. Actually, I have some– Let’s just do this.

[Brandon sprays sanitizer on everyone’s hands. Then they all start eating with their hands sharing the food bowl.]

Heidi: Oh, look who became a chef. Yeah. I went viral on TikTok.

Chris: What? For dancing?

Heidi: No. For fit non-pudding.

Dale: Oh, TikTok. All the little videos.

Heidi: Dale. Did you spice this chilly?

Dale: Yeah, of course. It’s my famous chilly.

Heidi: Because I can’t really taste it.

Brandon: I can’t really smell it either.

Chris: Do you guys think that–

Shel: No. Dude, we’ve been doing everything right.

Heidi: We need a hug.

All: Yeah.

Dale: Hey, remember hug?

[they all hug each other.] [the lights turn dark. Anthony Fauci walks in front of them at the spot light.]

Anthony Fauci: Hi, I’m Dr. Fauci. Right now you’re probably feeling like most Americans. Bored, horny and borderline nuts. I know I am. But what you just saw is the wrong way to Super Bowl. That’s why I partnered with Cheetos and durex condoms to remind you to Super Bowl responsibly. At home, in a mask, lights off, no friends.  #ThisIsHowWeSuperBowl. [PSY walks in] And to help spread my messages, my good friend Kpop superstar PSY.

PSY: Covid Super Bowl

[starts singing like his song “Gangnam Style]

Co-co-co-co-covid Super Bowl

It Gets Better

Matt Lee…Bowen Yang

Tayor Bard…Dan Levy

Miranda Rivers… Kate McKinnon

Jemima Cullen…Punkie Johnson

[Starts with several “It Gets Better” videos]

Female voice: In 2011, the “It Gets Better” project worked to show LGBTQ plus youth, the amazing heights their lives would reach.

Matt Lee: Every time I was picked on, I just reminded myself it gets better.

Miranda Rivers: There is hope.

Female voice: On the 10th anniversary of “It Gets Better”, we asked previous youth participants to share how their lives have changed for the better.

Matt Lee: It gets better.

Miranda Rivers: It does truly get better. And then someti– Within that better is– There are some things that are like, less better.

Jemima Cullen: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think so. It get better. Sometimes…

Matt Lee: After high school, I really learned to love myself. I finally stopped getting bullied … by straight people. But I pretty much immediately started getting tormented by gay people for my taste in music. I think it’s why.

Tayor Bard: I men, I don’t get bullied by kids anymore because I’m a very successful man in my 30s. You know what feels very similar to being shoved in a locker though? Income tax. I know that’s not exactly what you guys do but I’m just saying like, stuff about taxes would have been extremely helpful.

Miranda Rivers: My dream was always to have a family. But I never thought that was possible. Now I have two beautiful kids and they’re smart and they’re amazing and they asked me for an iguana. And I got them that iguana. And that iguana outgrew six tanks and has ruined my floor with it’s urine and has taken over my life. Now there is an evil dinosaur living my house. So, that part is not better.

Jemima Cullen: At this point, I thought I would be embraced by a big community of people who were like me. But I only have one friend. and she is my girlfriend. And she don’t even like me that much.

Tayor Bard: It was so amazing when gay marriage was legalized. Unfortunately, that was also when they legalized gay divorce. Just because you can legally get married doesn’t mean you should.

Bown: It’s scarier when people are mean because they are so organized. Tweeted one vague opinion about Chromatica and I had to move. Not just apartments. Like, cities.

Miranda Rivers: I actually never even worry about being gay anymore. I only worry about the iguana. The first thing I think about when I wake up is the iguana. And the last thing I think about when I go to sleep is the iguana. It figured out door knob.

Matt Lee: It’s way better than before. I’m fully accepted by my entire family. But I don’t like most of them.

Miranda Rivers: It means so much that I have the right to visit my wife in the hospital. It just sucks that she’s in the hospital because she was mauled in the face by the iguana.

Matt Lee: I can tell the youth of 2021 one thing. [showing his picture from 10 years back] It got better for him. Be yourself. Just don’t say that you do or don’t like some songs.

Jemima Cullen: [showing her picture from 10 years back] Her advice, don’t wear basketball shorts because when you’re out with your girl, people are going to think you’re the one who fights.

Tayor Bard: [showing his picture from 10 years back] It definitely got better for this guy. So much better that he got to have problems previously only available to straight people. And that is progress.

Miranda Rivers: [showing his picture from 10 years back] She wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. Well, she would trade one thing.

Matt Lee: It gets better.

Tayor Bard: It gets better.

Jemima Cullen: It gets better.

Miranda Rivers: It gets so much be– [the iguana is sitting beside her. She gets scared.]

Female voice: It gets better… and it gets other stuff too.

Weekend Update Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese on New York City

Michael Che

Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang

Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show  “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.

[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]

Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!

Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.

Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: And that’s your advice?

Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.

Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?

Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.

Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?

Michael Che: No.

Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?

Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.

Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.

Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.

Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]

Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?

Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.

Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!

Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!

U.S.O. Performance

Colonel… Alex Moffat

Aubra July… Kristen Wiig

Garrett… Bowen Yang

Mikey Day

Andrew Dismukes

Marjorie… Dua Lipa

[Starts with Christmas Eve 1944. Two military men are dancing and the others are clapping. Then

Boys: [saluting] Sir!

Colonel: At ease, boys. Well, I hope to see those feet move that fast on the battle field.

Boys: Thank you sir. [They walk away]

Colonel: Can’t believe there’s this much talent in our very own 170 first division. And here to lift your spirits on Christmas Eve, you my recognize her from the medic tent. It’s nurse Aubra July.

[Aubra July walks in. She’s looking very pretty. The military men are clapping hard.]

Mikey: I like what I see

Andrew: Santa came after all.

Garrett: What a woman!

Aubra July: Well, I may be a lousy medic but let’s see if I can be half decent singer.

Colonel: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Simmer down, now, fellas. Just sit on your helmets and enjoy.

Aubra July: Now, I know you boys miss home this Christmas eve. Maybe you’re missing someone special. Well, I’ve got a song just for you. But first, I need a volunteer.

[All the military men are raising their hands]

Boys: Me! Me! Me!

Aubra July: How about you, handsome?

[Garrett walks to the stage]

Andrew: Private Garrett’s the toughest guy in our unit.

Mikey: Yeah. This should be gas.

Aubra July: Do you have heard the song “Love fight?”

Garrett: Maybe I head it when I was a boy. I’ll follow your lead.

Aubra July: It’s a shuffle on C, four on the floor, just stay on the rhythm and you can’t go wrong. Hit it.

[music playing]

Garrett: Hello.

Aubra July: Baby, listen. I ain’t coming home tonight.

Garrett: Boy, stop. Here we go with this mess again.

Aubra July: I mean it. I got work. Don’t wait up.

Garrett: Is that right? [singing] Coz I know that you’ve been hanging out all night

Aubra July: Well you know I cannot help that, I’m a man

Garrett: You can help the way you treat me

Aubra July: Woman, don’t please me

Garrett: I swear to you, I’ll walk away

Aubra July: [slaps Garrett] Shut your mouth, you’re pissing me off

[Aubra July and Garrett start dancing intimately. Even Garrett is acting like a woman.]

Both: Yeah, yeah
Doing me wrong and doing you right
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

[The boys are shocked]

Beck: Now, help me. Is this a play?

Kyle: I don’t know. But it sure is noisy.

Colonel: Well, whatever it is, Private Garrett is off book.

Mikey: Wait, so the girl is playing the boy and the boy is playing the girl?

Andrew: Yeah, there’s a lot going on.

Garrett: Quit your lying. My girlfriend saw Shanice you at the club.

Aubra July: She needs to get her eyes checked.

Garrett: She did. Yesterday.

Aubra July: [singing] I’ve given you all of me
my mind, my body, can’t you see?

Garrett: Then why does the car smell like sex
with girl that isn’t me?

Both: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah! 

Garrett: Break it down now, y’all.

Colonel: They are really nailing the coreo.

Mikey: But he got caught. Now he’s being mouthy.

Beck: He’s not going to change.

Kyle: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Andrew: Shh, she’s confronting him.

Garrett: Remind me, do you wear red satin panties?

Aubra July: Girl, you know I don’t.

Garrett: Then why did I find these in your briefcase?

[Marjorie walks in]

Marjorie: I’ve been looking for those.

Aubra July and Garrett: Marjorie?

[Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie start dancing sexy]

Beck: That must be the other woman.

Mikey: The one who stunk the car up?

Kyle: This is the moment of truth.

Aubra July: Baby, it ain’t what it looks like.

Marjorie: Oh, yeah? Because it looks bad?

Garrett: Consider this a warning.

Marjorie: You’re on notice.

Aubra July: How can I make it up to you both?

Marjorie: Why? It’s simple.

Garrett and Marjorie: Defeat the Nazis!

Aubra July: Mama, you ain’t saying nothing but a word.

Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah!
Doing me wrong and doing you right

[all the military men join them to dance] 
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

Coronavirus Holiday

Rony… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

Oral… Bowen Yang

Genital… Chloe Fineman

Spike… Timothée Chalamet

Spanish Influenza… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now, a Rona family Christmas.

[Cut to Rona Family. They’re humand with corona like crown spikes on their heads.]

Rony: I can’t believe 2020 is almost over. I’m gonna miss it.

Cecily: I know. We’ve been traveling non-stop all year. China, Italy, New York, Florida. How great is Florida?

Rony: Oh, so great. I just wish we had a break for more holiday parties. I mean, how many can the White House throw?

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Oh! Oh-oh! I think I know who that is.

[Cecily opens the door. Daughter walks in.]

Hey, my baby girl’s home.

Daughter: Hi, mom.

Cecily: How was your first semester at college?

Daughter: Oh, it was incredible. It took out like, a whole dorm.

Cecily: Oh. We are so proud of you, honey.

Rony: Our little girl’s a super spreader.

Daughter: Oh. And I wanted you guys to meet this guy I’ve started mutating with.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hi.

Daughter: Not to put him on the spot, but we did meet on the contact tracing app.

Andrew: Yes. I swabbed her right.

Daughter: Yes, and he’s kind of famous.

Andrew: Oh well, I guess a little.

Daughter: Oh, come on. Tell them.

Andrew: Alright. It’s not big deal. I was the one who infected Hanks.

Cecily: Tom Hanks?

Rony: Wow! That was basically the Super Bowl of infections. What do you do next?

Andrew: I’m going to Disney World.

All: Laughing.

Rony: Hey! This one’s a keeper.

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Wait. Now, who is that?

[A couple walks in]

Couple: Hi.

Oral: It’s your neighbors. We just wanted to pop out of nowhere and say hello.

Cecily: Well, this is a surprise. Honey, have you met the herpes?

Daughter: I haven’t, actually. Even though, statistically, I probably should have.

Oral: I’m Oral and this is my wife Genital.

Genital: Please call me Jen.

[Spike walks in. Villain’s music is playing.]

Spike: Hey! What’s the matter? Aren’t you going to introduce them to your other child?

Rony: Wow, look who’s awake before it’s 6PM, just in time to start drinking.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I a little disinfected? At least I’m not a hoax like rest of this family.

Genital: Sorry, maybe now is not a good time.

Oral: Yes. It’s like, the herpes always show up when you’re stressed out.

Cecily: I’m sorry.

Genital: No, no. It’s fine. We’ll come back.

Oral: We always do.

[Oral and Genital leave]

Cecily: Well, that was incredibly rude.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Are my proteins not perfect like my little sis? Back from her first semester of the University of Phoenix in person?

Rony: We gave you every opportunity. We paid to send you to New Zealand and now look, zero cases. People are going to concerts there. It’s a disgrace.

Cecily: Think of your poor grandmother, Spanish Influenza.

[Spanish Influenza is there knitting a sweater]

Spanish Influenza: Come on! Give me a kiss, I’ll kill you.

Cecily: Now, she infected the whole world and that was before airplanes.

Spanish Influenza: Ai. Uno Ve Sito. I kill everyone.

Rony: If you don’t start infecting again, your career’s over. You’re gonna end up like those washed up viruses on “Dancing With the SARS”.

Cecily: Maybe you’d feel better if you dined indoors more.

Spike: Hey! I’m just following Cuomo’s ‘Stay at home’ order.

Rony: You do not mention Cuomo in this household.

Spike: Why not? A lot of people say he’s the only real leader in this country right now.

Rony: You know damn well that President Trump is the only one looking out for us. We wouldn’t still be here without Trump.

Cecily: And Trump introduced us to everyone he knows. Even after he was infected. Now that’s the class act.

Daughter: Guys. Do we really need to talk politics right now?

Rony: Your brother is living in the clouds when he should be living on surfaces.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well I heard you’re not even deadlier than the regular flu.

Cecily: Spike! You take that back!

Rony: No, no. Let the big man talk. You think you’re big enough to hit your old man?

Daughter: Dad, stop.

Spike: Are you even my dad? Maybe mom just landed on a lung cell and replicated.

Rony: Sometimes I wish you weren’t my son.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well it must be Christmas because your wish just came true. I’m getting the vaccine.

[Everyone’s shocked] Rony: You wouldn’t.

Spike: Watch me. Pretty soon, I’ll have the antibodies.

Rony: He’s joining the radical ANTIBO.

Cecily: Why are you doing this to us?

Spike: Because mom, you never had time for me. You never went to a single one of my NFL games. Dad’s been so focused on the second wave, he can’t even hear his first born son crying out for help.

Cecily: Rony, say something.

Rony: You’re a great virus, son. Your laughter has always been so infectious and you gave those tigers at the Bronx zoo covid, remember? I don’t know how the hell you pulled that off.

Spike: I snuck in their butts.

Rony: I know I don’t say this enough, but I’m proud of you.

Cecily: We all, we have so much to be grateful for this Christmas. To think at this time last year, we were just a glimmer in the eye of a sick bat. I know the odds are stacked against us, but maybe 2021 will be even better.

Daughter: And we were going to wait to tell you this, but we are engaged.

Andrew: Yeah. And we’re moving in to Rudy Giuliani.

All: Yay! [celebrating]