Story

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Bradford… Kyle Mooney

Brian… Jerrod Carmichael

[Starts with three adults talking at a restaurant]

Heidi: Anyway, his name is Adnan Siadh. And the podcast is like, about whether he did it or not.

Ego: Wow, that is insanely cool. And Bradford, Katie was saying this is your first time in New York?

Bradford: Yeah, it’s been really awesome. City’s like, really interesting.

Heidi: Yeah. You know, just trying to show my favorite cousin what the Big Apple is all about.

[Brian walks in]

Brian: Hey, guys, sorry, I’m late.

Ego: Oh, Brian!

Heidi: Brian, this is my cousin Bradford.

Brian: Oh, nice to meet you. Guys, I had the craziest morning.

Ego: Oh my god. Oh my god, what?

Heidi: Tell us. Brian’s our college friend. He has like the best stories.

Bradford: Okay. That’s amazing.

Brian: Okay, bear with me. So I’m having coffee with my boss, Anthony.

Bradford: Oh, wow. Okay. [starts to giggle]

Brian: Right. I mean, we do that a lot. But yeah, we’re at the French spot by the office.

Bradford: Oh, here we go. French. Great. [starts to giggle]

Brian: Yeah. Just a cool cafe we go to every couple of weeks.

Bradford: Right, right, right.

Brian: Anyway, the waiter comes up to us. And he’s like, “Hey, we made this extra cheese crate. You guys want it?”

Bradford: Oh, no. I think I see where this is going. This is– Please, please, please.

Brian: Sorry. Just let me– I’m just gonna finish the story real quick.

Bradford: Yeah, of course.
Brian: So we accept the crate. Why not? I put my fork and–

Bradford: I got like, a mental picture right now. This is amazing.

Heidi: Bradford, come on.

Brian: Turns out it’s triple chocolate. Keep in mind, it’s a lemonade. Yep.

Bradford: Oh my God, because I thought it was later. No!

Brian: Yeah, like, dude said it was cheese. What’s going on here?

Bradford: It’s the French waiter. He was like, high on dope or something?

Brian: What? No, I’m getting to it.

Bradford: Yeah, right. By the way. So New York!

Brian: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I look over who’s sitting at the bar with a slight grin on his face?

Bradford: The French waiter.

Brian: No.

Bradford: Obama?

Brian: What? No.

Ego: Okay, wait, wait, don’t tell me it was Frank.

Brian: It was Frank.

Heidi: Oh my god, Frank. That is hilarious.

Bradford: Frank? [laughing] Wait, who’s Frank?

Brian: He’s a bit of a prankster.

Bradford: Wow, that’s. I’ve never heard anything like that.

Brian: Yeah, it’s kind of funny, right? Anyway, how are you guys? How was Mexico?

Ego: Oh my God, it was so fun.

Bradford: Wait, wait, wait. So then what happened?

Brian: What do you mean?

Bradford: Does your boss just wigged out, he’s like, knocking over the table like, “Ah! Everyone’s fired”?

Brian: Nope. It’s pretty much the end of the story, man.

Bradford: Oh, but the French waiter was high on dope, right?

Ego: What? High on dope?

Brian: No, no, everything was normal. It was just a dumb story. Can we talk about something else?

Bradford: Oh, sorry. I thought the French waiter was high on dope the whole time. Still amazing.

Brian: The place was French. Not the waiter. I never said the waiter was French.

Bradford: Oh, sorry.

Brian: It’s fine. Anyway, you said Mexico was good.

Ego: Yes. So good. Turns out yoga retreats are relaxing. Who knew?

Bradford: Didn’t mean to call the waiter French. My bad. Sorry, again.

Brian: All good, dude. Let’s just drop it. We’re moving off.

Heidi: Well, Bradford had a great time at the MET. It was so cool, right?

Bradford: I really did love the story, man.

Brian: Thanks. I appreciate that.

Bradford: What was the name of the crazy boss again? Was it Anderson?

Brian: It was Anthony. But we don’t need to talk about it anymore. Really?

Bradford: Anthony? It’s just like the perfect name for it. Really sorry if I screwed up the story.

Heidi: Bradford, it’s fine.

Bradford: No, it’s actually not. [emotional music playing] Brian, your story was amazing. It had great characters, and the part where the crepe isn’t cheese was unbelievable. And then I mess the whole thing up. I don’t deserve to be your friend.

Brian: Dude we just met. Honestly, it’s fine.

Bradford: No, it’s not. Lunch is on me. And I want to pay your rent for the rest of the year too.

Brian: That’s super generous man.

Bradford: Here’s a check for $Heidi,000. That ought to do it.

Brian: That’s not even enough for one month’s rent.

Bradford: Oh, okay. Didn’t know. Well, see ya’.

[Bradford messes up everything on the table while standing, and then runs out]