Football Party

Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Brandon… Dave Chappelle

Andrew… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

Mom… Leslie Jones

Andrea… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with guys having a football party]

Kenan: Oh, damn! That was holding.

Pete: Yeah, call it back!

Brandon: Hell, no. That’s a touchdown, baby. Let’s go for two.

Andrew: Alright. Now we got a game on our hands.

Brandon: Yeah. You want some beers?

Andrew: Yeah, I’d do one.

Brandon: Alright. Hey, mama!

Andrew: Oh, does your mom live with you?

Brandon: No. I kind of live with her.

Pete: Ha-ha. What?

Kenan: She wash your drawers for you too?

[Brandon laughing sarcastically]

Brandon: No. I do that for myself.

Kyle: Guys, go easy. Sounds kind of nice.

[Mom walks in with some beers]

Mom: Hey, you boys. Brewskis!

Andrew: Alright, I guess I can see how you can get used to this.

Mom: So, you thirsty baby?

Brandon: Oh, hell yeah. I could drink something.

[Mom gets ready with a covering sheet to breastfeed Brandon]

No peeking fellas!

Pete: At what?

[Brandon gets inside the sheet]

Mom: Go ahead baby, get in there. Oh, that Cam Newton is something else!

Brandon: Ummm. What did I miss? Did he go for two?

[Brandon’s friends are shocked]

Kenan: Uh, what just transpired exactly?

Brandon: Um, I was thirsty so I had a drink.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, did you just breast-feed?

Brandon: Jealous? Breastfeeding is healthy for the mom and the baby.

Andrew: You’re 43!

Mom: But you’ll always be my baby.

Pete: Ha-ha. Gross!

Kyle: I don’t know. That’s probably he’s so jacked!

Brandon: Bingo. That’s exactly why I’m so jacked. Got any idea how many vitamins are in the elixir?

Mom: It’s nature’s most perfect food.

Brandon: Plus, it’s free as hell. As a matter of fact, mama, if you would?

[passes a small glass to Mom]

Mom: Yeah, sure.

Brandon: So, y’all been planning thanksgiving? You’re welcome to come here, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Kenan: Ah, I’m good.

Andrew: Yeah.

Kyle: I’ll be around.

[Mom passes the small glass filled with milk to Brandon]

Brandon: Ooh! Still warm. [Brandon takes a shot of that milk] What’s going on in the game?

Kyle: Um, they just recovered the onside kick.

Brandon: Hell yeah! Let’s go.

[microwave beeps.]

Mom: Oh, that will be the snacks, I’ll be right back.

Andrew: Um, Brandon, what’s the story here, man?

Brandon: The story? I’ll tell you the story, Andrew. I have never once had an ear infection. I have zero allergies. No respiratory illnesses or bout diarrhea. is that enough of a story for you?

[Mom walks in with five glasses of milk]

Mom: Alright. Fresh baked cookies and milk!

Pete: Um, I guess I’ll take a cookie.

Kyle: I’ll have some.

[Kyle drinks the milk]

Brandon: Not me guys. I’m gonna go straight to the source, excuse me.

[Brandon starts to breastfeed again]

Mom: Get your muscle milk. Easy Brandon, you getting a little toothy down there.

[Brandon gets out of the cover. He has milk all over his face.]

Brandon: Sorry about that mama.

[Awkward silence between friends]

That’s what I’m talking about. Ah! That’s the game. That’s the game.

[Andrea walks in]

Andrea: Brandon! What are you doing? You’re supposed to take me to work. I’m gonna bel late.

Brandon: Oh, hey guys, this is my sister Andrea.

Andrea: Hi. Now, let’s go.

Mom: No. Not before y’all eat something. Everybody in.

Brandon: Alright.

[Brandon and Andrea get into the cover for breastfeeding]

Brandon: Stop pushing, Andrea! God damn!

[the milk is spraying outside all over Brandon’s friends]

Andrea: You’re wasting it!

Andrew: Alright. Okay. I think it’s time for us to head out.

Kenan: Yeah.

Andrew: Thank you for having us. Alright.

[Kenan, Pete and Andrew head out]

Kyle: I might chill here for a bit if that’s cool.

Male Strippers

Host… Kenan Thompson

Phil… Taran Killam

Brandon… Chris Hemsworth

Keith… Jay Pharoah

Craig… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with the host of Hunk Junction speaking on the stave]

Host: Okay everybody, let’s calm down. Now, I’m very sorry that I got so upset with that woman. But there is no outside food allowed in the strip club. Now I know you wanna have a good time. But a full styrofoam play to chicken vindaloo, that will not work. Have some respect for the people around you, and also yourself. Look at the mess that she left. [Cut to a table where left overs from packed food is left.] Looks like a whole came through here.

[music playing]

Now you ladies ready to get horned up? You wanna see some peen?

[Cut to the ladies audience cheering and applauding.] [Cut to Host]

Host: Oh, we got a great lineup for great AB for you tonight. Four brand new fangses here at Hunk Junction. They are some students from nearby college. They’re good looking boys and they put together a real hot show for ya. Let’s bring em’ out.

[Cut to cheering ladies] [Cut to four guys walking on the stage]

Phil: Hit it!

[music changes] [Cut to Phil]

Good evening ladies. I’m Phil and I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to dance for you this evening.

[Cut to Brandon]

Brandon: And I’m Brandon. And I hail from the great state of Oregon. Home of the majestic red one.

[Cut to Keith]

Keith: Me, I’m Keith and I’m from a small lobster town in New England.

[Cut to Craig]

Craig: I’m Craig, and the white sandy shores of Ahwatukee is where I call home.

[Cut to the guys]

All: This is our America.

[The guys start dancing] [Cut to the ladies staring at them. Leslie is enjoying.] [Cut to the guys dancing]

Phil: Next stop, New York city.

Keith: Step on it.

Craig: All aboard.

[train engine sound as the guys are dancing in a line] [Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: What the hell is this?

Aidy: Yeah, I paid to see naked tool.

Kate: Something better slop out of their pants pretty quick.

Leslie: I appreciate the showmanship.

[Cut to the boys under one umbrella]

Craig: It’s starting to rain, just our luck!

Phil: On our first day in the big city?

Keith: You gotta be joking me.

Brandon: Who cares? Take a look at that skyline.

Phil: Taxi cab!

[Cut to Host looking nervous and confused.]

Host: Should I stop this? I mean what should a man in my position do?

[Cut to the boys. Jon walks in with a newspaper in his hand.]

Jon: Top story. The Germans are retreating.

[Jon dances out]

Brandon: Did you hear that fellas? The war is over!

Craig: We won!

Phil: Taxi!

[Cut to the ladies.]

Kate: Okay, maybe we got to tip them.

Cecily: You know, even if they do strip, I’m not sure I’ll be turned on at this point.

[Cut to the boys dancing on the stage. Kate dances in and gives Brandon some money. He just takes it and puts it in his wallet.]

Brandon: Thank you ma’am.

[Kate walks away] [Cut to the ladies]

Cecily: He put the tip in his wallet.

Kate: Yea, yea, but it worked. It worked. Look.

[Cut to the dancing boys. They rip off their pants, but underneath, they’re wearing another white pants.] [Cut to the ladies]

Aidy: What? Why are they wearing long shorts under their break-away pants?

Leslie: Listen, these men are hot. You can’t argue with that. This show may not be perfect but they care about it.

Aidy: okay, but this part is straight up racist.

[Cut to the boys wearing Asian hat and using Asian hand-fan.]

Phil: Your town is amazing.

Brandon: So many great Chinese people.

Craig: And culture.

Keith: What an afternoon!

[Cut to Host]

Host: [speaking on the mic] Whip out your naked ding-dongs now!

[Cut to the guys dancing]

Boys: Taxi!

[The boys are high-fiving and celebrating.] [Host walks in disappointed]

Host: Yeah, I knew I shouldn’t have hired these men when they showed up with little dance bags that said, “Tis School of the Arts.” And then they asked if I supplied character shoots. Now, gentlemen, listen up. If you wanna continue working at this establishment, you must expose your stinky pee and them testi-balls.

[The boys start opening their pants]

No, no, no, no. You gotta do it with the music.

[The End]

The Sex Talk

Dad… JJ Watt

Brandon… Kyle Mooney

Mom… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a father knocking at his son’ts door]

Dad: You in there sport?

Brandon: [on the phone] I’ll call you back. Yes, dad.

Dad: Mind if I come in for a sec?

Brandon: We don’t have to talk about it, it’s fine.

Dad: I know, I know. I just figure we’re a little overdue for this chat anyway. So, why don’t you pop a squat, son?

[Dad and Brandon sit down on the bed]

Now, what you just say in the bedroom between your mother and I, that’s perfectly normal.

Brandon: We don’t have to do this, dad. I’ll get over it. It was just weird.

Dad: Well, of course it was but you’ll learn for yourself soon enough that when two people love each other very much, they express it through something called intercourse.

Brandon: Yes, dad. I know that.

Dad: And I gotta be quite honest with you. Sometimes you got to man up and clap them cheeks, you know what I mean?

Brandon: Okay, wow, dad! I’m not talking to you about this. You had sex. It’s fine.

Dad: Well, of course it’s fine, son. It’s a normal beautiful thing. But son, little boys have sex. Me? I’m a big dog and I have that thing woofing, you know what I mean?

Brandon: Look, I’m not an idiot. I guess I just didn’t expect to ever see it. Let alone on my birthday.

Dad: Oh, that’s right. Happy birthday, son!

Brandon: Thanks.

Dad: We got you a cake down stairs but, I should probably wash my hands before any of that.

Brandon: Oh, come on! Oh, god!

Dad: But son, just check this out for a second. It’s noon, I’m sitting at my desk working through lunch so I can provide for this damn family, and she is sending me filthy texts.

Brandon: Stop! Stop! Stop! Please stop!

Dad: I’m just saying, son. She wanted to touch myself at my damn desk, get my ass fired! I’m like, “Woman, are you crazy?”

[Brandon closes his ears]

Brandon: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

Dad: So, here’s what I did, son. I faked sick, I hop in the pick up, burn it down 85, went my ass up to the bedroom, opened the door and you know what I saw? I saw that thing up in there already smoking. What time do you think it was, son?

Brandon: I don’t know dad. 1:30?

Dad: It was time to wax. I’m talking Mr. Miagi, you know? Hey, son. I say. Is that a Getaway right there?

Brandon: What? Oh, yeah!

Dad: You know what?

Brandon: Can you maybe not please do that?

Dad: [grabs the Getaway] I’ma need that right about now. Gotta get some of that sweat back in me, you know?

Brandon: Oh, god!

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Knock, knock. What’s up in here?

Dad: Oh, you know. Just little girl talk, babe. Guy talk. Of course.

Mom: Oh, no, no. What is he telling you? Look, I just wanted to say I am so sorry Brandon.

Brandon: It’s okay, mom. Let’s just forget about it.

Mom: No, no, because in a way, this is my fault. You know, you see, your mother has been blessed with what is widely considered to be that good good.

Brandon: Oh, mom!

Dad: We are talking medical grade pure water, son. You know, that type to make a good man kill himself.

Mom: And the worst man kill everybody. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Brandon: Not really to be honest.

Mom: Okay, well let’s put it this way. Could I be working? Yes. Do I work? Hell, no. Why? Well, because this ill nana keeps me taken care of.

Dad: Umph! I can’t lie son, I am a full simp.

Mom: Ya, you know that car outside, this house, the clothes you’re wearing right now are all thanks to the fact that I turned your daddy out. Do you have a girl at school you wanna turn you out?

Brandon: Stop asking about girls. I’m bisexual. There! I said it!

Dad: Oh, son! Wow! That’s fantastic. So, you mean you can stroke anybody down?

Mom: Oh, Brandon. Thank you so much for telling us. We love you more than anything.

Dad: We are so proud of you.

Brandon: Thanks, guys. I love you.

Mom: Now, you’re gonna need to know how to ride that thing like a soldier, okay? Do you need to–

Brandon: Mom! Please! I don’t want to hear this!

Mom: We can help you.

[The End]