Amusement Park

Brett… Mikey Day

Malcolm… Nick Jonas

Cug… Kyle Mooney

Brinkley… Heidi Gardner

Fresian… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a bunch of young people on a line at the amusement park]

Gate keeper: Alright, next riders, please?

Brett: I’m so glad World of Fun reopened. I thought they were going to have to cancel our junior year trip.

Malcolm: Dude, I still can’t believe you won the stuffed guy from soul.

Cug: [holding a human size stuffed guy] I know. I’ve like, never won the ring toss. My lucky day I guess.

Brett: Also, Brinkley, like, how have you never ridden the Viking Voyager?

Brinkley: I don’t know. I think water’s scary.

Fresian: Oh my god. Me too. I’m like a full baby in the shower.

Malcolm: You know, the Viking Voyager is sick. I’ll protect you.

Fresian: Okay, now shut up.

Cug: Oh, so you two are like, riding together?

Malcolm: Oh, I straight up don’t care.

Brinkley: Oh, we have to pair up for the ride, huh?

Brett: Yeah. How many even is it to, like, a flume?

Cug: I think it’s two max. I think typically guy-girl. But I don’t care.

Brett: Yeah. Well, I feel like Fresian and Malcolm said they’d ride together.

Fresian: Oh, I don’t care. Sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Like, whatever makes sense to the group. Like, height wise?

Brett: Oh, okay. Well, if it’s height wise, I guess it’s me and Brinkley makes sense?

Brinkley: Yeah. I mean, height wise I feel like that checks out. So then Cug, would you be cool riding with the guy from soul?

Cug: Um, I kind of feel like I rode with him on the last ride and the ride before that. So, I think it makes sense for me to ride with a person or a girl this time. But literally, all I care about is getting wet.

Malcolm: Wait, Brinkley and Brett, didn’t you ride on the Zulu together?

Brett: We did? Did we?

Brinkley: What? I think I either rode alone or with the guy from soul.

Cug: No. Pretty sure Joe Gardner has only ridden with me.

Malcolm: Wait. Who’s Joe Gardner?

Cug: Um, the guy from soul. Yeah. I definitely remember being with him on the Zulu and the Mamba. I don’t care. But if we want to keep it even, I don’t think I should be riding with the guy from soul.

Fresian: Like, hey, I mean, I can ride with you, Cug. Malcolm, you cool to ride with the guy from soul?

Malcolm: Well, isn’t this the one where you like, kind of sit on each other’s laps?

Brinkley: Wait, you do? Like, how does that work?

Brett: I don’t know. I think we have enough time to do like, a demo? Like, just to practice.

Brinkley: Okay.

Brett: [walks to a boat] Okay. So, I guess, I’ll sit here. And then you’d be between my legs I guess.

Brinkley: Oh, like, you want me to try?

Brett: Yeah. For like, height.

Brinkley: [they sit together] Oh, yeah, height.

Brett: Coz I don’t care. But if–

Cug: I feel like for height, I’d be better behind?

Brinkley: Oh, no. This is good for height.

Brett: Yeah.

Malcolm: [to Fresian] Should we–?

Fresian: Demo how to sit? Yeah, sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Okay. So, I’d be like this.

Fresian: [they sit together] Okay. Yeah.

Malcolm: And then you’d be here. But then, like, what do I do with my arms? Because I don’t want them to get wet.

Fresian: Yeah. I think they’d be like my seatbelt like this. [pulling Malcolm’s hands across her waist]

Malcolm: Okay.

Brett: Um, we actually didn’t demo that. Should we practice?

Brinkley: Like, for height?

Brett: Yes. For height.

Brinkley: Sure.

Brett: I guess like this. [Brett just holds Brinkley from the behind]

Brinkley: Cug, would you want to try getting in with the guy from the soul? Like, for height?

Cug: Um, okay.

Malcolm: Alright, all your’s, Cug.

Cug: Thanks. [taking the seat on the boat] So, I guess I’d be back here.

Brinkley: Yeah. And Joe would be in your lap, Cug.

Cug: So, like this?

Malcolm: Yeah. But that doesn’t make sense height wise, Cug.

Brinkley: Yeah. He is taller than you, Cug.

Fresian: Yeah. So, he should be behind you, Cug.

Cug: Okay. So, I’m in his lap?

Brett: Exactly, Cug.

Cug: Okay. [he puts the stuffed guy behind and he sits up front.] So, let me just get him around. So, it it like this?

Brinkley: Yeah, Cug.

Malcolm: Yeah. Then his arms are like a seatbelt, Cug.

Cug: Oh, okay. So, like this?

Brinkley: Yes. Are you comfortable, Cug?

Cug: I guess. But, I don’t want to hug the guy from soul. If someone else wants to take a spin? Soul guy going once, going twice,

All: No. No, pass.

Gate keeper: All parties here, folks?

All: Yes. Here we go.

Gate keeper: Have fun, Cug.

Cug: It’s Robert. I don’t know why they keep calling me that.

Test Prep | Season 44 Episode 16

Mrs. H… Sandra Oh

Clark… Aidy Bryant

Ramano… Kate McKinnon

Brett… Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Mrs. H teaching in class]

Mrs. H: Okay class, let’s focus up. As you know your SAT2s are this weekend, so let’s review. [Cut to Mrs. H] Who can tell me what the metaphor is in Franz Kafka’s ‘Metamorphosis”? [Cut to the students] Anyone? [Cut to Mrs. H] Nobody? How about you, Miss Clark?

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: I guess it’s like [Music starts playing] one day you wake up, and everything’s different. You’re not a kid anymore. No more playing with dolls. Now it’s drinking with beer. Plus someone wrote slut on your locker when you haven’t even kissed a boy. And you just want to go back to how thing were, but things didn’t change, you did.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Okay, pretty close, but the answer was, C, Cockroach. A quick reminder that the SAT2s are multiple choice and what you just said will not fit on a Scranton.

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: Thanks. I guess you’re right. I should become a writer.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Not what I said, but okay. Moving on, who wants to tell me what the lion symbolizes in ‘Julius Ceasar’? Mr. Ramano?

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: All right. I’ll play your little game. [Music starts playing] So you’re a guy, right, and you and your friends, you’re like brothers. You do everything together. Break into houseboats, drink and fight, touching my truck and one day they stab you in the back. So you might as well drop out. Forget about college. Because you’re going to toilet school.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Toilet school like to become a plumber.

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: Okay, fine, I didn’t read it.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Well, why not?

[Cut to Ramano]

Ramano: Because I can’t read! Is that what you want to hear? I can see the little squiggles but I can’t make them make sound!

[Cut to Ramano and Clark]

Clark: Hey, that’s called dyslexic. I could teach you.

Ramano: I don’t need your charity.

[Cut to Clark]

Clark: Well, it’s not like that. Remember, the night by the football house when you showed me what starts were?

[Cut to Ramano and Clark]

Ramano: Of course. That’s the night I messed around with your best friend.

Clark: That’s right. My mom.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Okay, yikes! There’s a lot going on in this class, but I’m a sub. So I’m just gonna kick this can down the road. Okay, how about we go over some nice, cold math. Nothing emotional there. Brett, what’s the formula for a parabola?

[Cut to Brett]

Brett: Parabola. [Music starts playing] So you start off, and everything is all up, up and away. You’re on top of the world. Number one in the football team! Major leagues baby! No back up plan. And then you start falling. Fast! Hard! And you end up in– you end up in a place that looks a hell of a lot like where you started.

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: None of that was math, and I think you know that.

[Cut to Pete holding his paper]

Pete Davidson: Um, hey, Mrs. H, I finished my practice test. Can I go?

[Cut to Mrs. H]

Mrs. H: Well, are you sure you don’t want to do a big emotional speech for us?

[Cut to Pete holding]

Pete Davidson: No, I’m good. Because I have to be good. [music starts playing] Because my old man used to beat my ass. Yes, sir! No, sir!

Mrs. H: Okay, enough. [Cut to Mrs. H]  You kids think you have problems, I’m not even a real teacher! I just fill in when other teachers have babies or hangovers. It’s like I don’t even exist. And I convinced my husband to open up our marriage, and now he’s cleaning up, and I can’t give it away!

[Cut to Brett]

Brett: [Thinking] Wow, I guess I learned a lot today. But the thing I learned the most was each other.