Tag: Brett Kavanaugh

It’s a Wonderful Trump Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 9

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Clarence… Kenan Thompson

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne… Kate McKinnon

Donald Jr. Trump… Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Melania… Cecily Strong

Hernia… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Mike Pense… Beck Bennett

Brett Kavanaugh… Matt Damon

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro

[Starts with a black and white video clip of bell ringing] [Cut to address board saying ‘You are in Washington, D.C.’][Cut to video clips of White House office]

Unknown speaker 1: And lord, please help Donald Trump. He’s not a good man, but he is in trouble.

Unknown speaker 2: Joseph, Jesus and Mary, help Mr. Trump tonight. He’s a nightmare, but he’s all I got.

Melania: Please send an angel to help my Donald tonight. Oh, and I would also like a Cartier watch, thank you.

[Cut to Donald Trump coming out to the balcony]

Donald Trump: Well, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I might actually eat a salad and explode.

[Clarence walks to Donald Trump]

Clarence: What seems to be trouble, Donald?

Donald Trump: Who are you? Stay back.

Clarence: Relax, I mean you no harm. My name is Clarence. And I was send here from heaven. I heard you are in trouble.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s awful. Everything is falling apart. Sometimes I wish I had never been president.

Clarence: A world where you were never president, hey? I think we can arrange that.

[Cut to intro of ‘It’s a Wonderful Trump’]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence walk into the room full of people]

Donald Trump: Wow! Everyone looks so different. What are those things on their faces?

Clarence: Those are called smiles.

[Sarah walks to Donald Trump]

Sarah: Hey, Mr. Trump, [Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump] I just wanted to say Merry Christmas.

Donald Trump: It’s President Trump, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s a good one! Seriously though, I just wanted to thank you for suggesting I go into PR. I’ve made so much money working for so many awesome companies like Facebook and Ashley Madison and The Romaine Lettuce Association. Merry Christmas Donald. [Sarah leaves]

Donald Trump: Wait, Sarah isn’t my press secretary?

Clarence:  I told you, Donald. You don’t have a press secretary. Because you weren’t elected president.

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Yeah, hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, my god, you look incredible! So healthy and vibrant.

Kellyanne: Actually that’s because I’m actually no longer eaten from within by lies. And after we lost the campaign, the devil did give me my soul back. So, excuse me, [Cut to Kellyanne] I have to go find my husband, who I do speak to now. [Kellyanne leaves]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wait, so Hillary is president?

Clarence: That’s right. In this reality, all she had to do to win was visit Wisconsin once.

Donald Trump: But, did they find her e-mails?

Clarence: They did. They were all bed, bath and beyond coupons.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric walks to Donald Trump]

Don Jr.: Hello, father.

Donald Trump: Oh, my sons, [Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence] my boys, Don Jr. and Eric. Eric is that a Rubik’s cube?

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: And finito, haha. That’s Italiano for finished.

[Cut to Don Jr., Eric, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What the hell is happening with Eric?

Don Jr.: Well, since Eric does not run the entire Trump Organization, he was able to attend adult education classes.

[Cut to Don Jr. and Eric]

Eric: Merry Christmas, father. Or as they say in Spanish, Feliz Nasty-dad.

Don Jr.: You got a way to go buddy. [Don Jr. and Eric leave]

[Melania walks to Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, so nice to see you. How are you?

Donald Trump: Melania, what happened to your accent?

[Cut to Melania]

Melania: Oh, I lost it after we got divorced. They said being around you all the time was hurting my language skills.

[Cut to Melania and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you’re still smocking hot! Are you holding up okay?

Melania: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cut to Melania] I have a huge real estate empire now. I figured if Donald can do it, anyone can do it. And I’m happily remarried to Papa John.

[Hernia walks near Melania][Cut to Hernia, Melania, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: And who is this woman?

Melania: Oh, don’t you recognize her? She’s your new wife Hernia.

Clarence: Yeah, she was a suitcase girl in the Serbian version of “Deal or No Deal”.

[Cut to Hernia and Melania]

Hernia: It’s called “Potato or No Potato”. And I did this. [Gesturing as if she’s opening something and moving her lips as saying “potato”.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Jackpot.

Clarence: I’ll say. I’m an angel. But I ain’t no angel. You know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Michael Cohen walks to Donald Trump and hugs him]

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, Merry Christmas!

Donald Trump: Michael Cohen, shouldn’t you be in jail after you flipped on me?

Michael Cohen: What? I would never, ever flip on you. [Cut to Michael Cohen] You’re my best friend. And since it’s Christmas, I just want to say, you taught me everything I know.

Donald Trump: Oh, come on, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: No, it’s true. Every single thing I’ve done is because [Cut to Michael Cohen] you directed me to do it. And I hope everyone knows it. We’re a team like O.J. and Kato, or Lyle and Erik Menendez.

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael.

Michael Cohen: And I’ll see you tomorrow at the grand opening of Trump Tower Moscow!

[Michael Cohen leaves]

[Music starts playing]

Donald Trump: Wait, what’s that music?

Clarence: Mike Pense is deejaying.

[Cut to Mike Pense deejaying]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Mike, is that what you’re doing now?

[Cut to Mike Pense]

Mike Pense: Oh, hell yeah, dog. It’s so great to be myself. Thank god I was never your vice president. I would just be sitting in meetings with you and Pelosi and Schumer just staring out in space imagining this. [Mike Pense starts dancing]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow. So everyone is better off without me being president.

Clarence: Well, not just them. You’re better off too.

[Cut to a doctor standing beside Donald Trump]

Doctor: Oh, my god, Donald. Your hair, it worked!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: What is she talking about?

Clarence: Well, this is a Muslim immigrant from Syria. She was allowed to come to America. And she discovered a permanent solution for hair loss.

Donald Trump: My god, it’s all real. If there’s no Muslim ban, what about a potential terrorist attack?

Clarence: Well, it was foiled by a team of transgender NAVY S.E.A.L.S.

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh walking in]

Brett Kavanaugh: All right, when is the party getting started? Whew!

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Brett Kavanaugh, how is the supreme court?

[Cut to Brett Kavanaugh]

Brett Kavanaugh: Me on the supreme court? With my temperament, are you insane? No, they went with that nerd Merrick Garland. But on the plus side when I tell people I like beer, they find it charming and not like I’m threatening violence. Plus, I have so much more time now to hang out with P.J. and Squee and Needle Dick Nick and no means yes Nate. [Cut to Brett Kavanaugh, Donald Trump and Clarence] Hey, I brought a little present for you. It’s a calendar. And every day is a different beer.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Brett.

Brett Kavanaugh: Merry Christmas, everyone. Let’s do this! [Brett Kavanaugh leaves]

Donald Trump: But Clarence, what about my agenda, all of the things I wanted to accomplish as president?

Clarence: Well, that’s the best part about not being president. You can still say the same stuff, build a wall, bring back coal. But you don’t have to deal with the fact that all of your ideas are impractical or insane. So Americans love you.

Donald Trump: Wow, this is all so great. It’s like Robert Mueller doesn’t exist.

[Cut to Robert Mueller walking in]

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Robert Mueller: Oh, really? Hello, Mr. Trump. I have waited for this moment for a long time.

Donald Trump: Mr. Mueller, I’ve been meaning to come and talk to you, but, golf.

Robert Mueller: I have something for you.

Donald Trump: Is it a subpoena or your final report?

Robert Mueller: No, report? [Cut to Robert Mueller] No, no. No, it’s a picture of my grandson. I’ve been spending so much more time with him since I don’t have to investigate some idiot for treason.

[Cut to Robert Mueller and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Wait, it sounds like you know I used to be president.

[Cut to Robert Mueller]

Robert Mueller: I know everything. Everything!

[Cut to Donald Trump and Clarence]

Donald Trump: Wow, this night has put everything into perspective. I have had an epiphany. I guess the world does need me to be president after all.

Clarence: Yeah, that was not the lesson at all.

Donald Trump: I want to be president again! I want to be president again!

[Kellyanne walks to Donald Trump]

Kellyanne: Listen, Donald, every time a bell rings, [The video changes to color video with everyone in the scene] someone you know quits or goes to jail.

Donald Trump: So I am president again! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Clarence: No, not the lesson!

Donald Trump: So Merry Christmas, everyone! And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update: Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Ford Testify: Season 44 Episode 1

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

…..Brett Kavanaugh

[ Weekend Update opening credits. ]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colon Jost and Michael Che.

[ Cut to Michael and Colin in the newsroom. ]

COLIN JOST: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: I’m Colin Jost.

Judge Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford appeared Thursday in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee in classic debate of ‘she said, he yelled’. Based on his testimony, I guess Kavanaugh thought the hearing was about whether he was cool in high school.

[ Cut to clip of Brett Kavanaugh testifying at his recent hearing. ]

Brett Kavanaugh: We drank beer. I liked beer. I still like beer. I worked out with other guy’s at Tobin’s house. Just to meet up and have some beers. Working out, lifting weights. We drank beer, we liked beer.

[ Cut back to Colin and Michael in the newsroom. ]

COLIN JOST: I got to say, you’re not really helping yourself in a drunk and assault case when you yell about how much you like drinking and how strong you were at the time. Pretty much the only ones who kept their composure at the hearing, were the woman being questioned and the woman the Republicans had to hire to talk to the woman being questioned. Now on an optics level, I get why the Republicans did that. But if you’re not the right person to ask questions at a Senate hearing, maybe you’re not the right person to be a senator.

MICHAEL CHE: I just want to remind everybody that all this yelling and crying happened at this dude’s job interview. I mean typically when you’re asked about a sexual assault and your drinking problem at a job interview, you don’t get the damn job! I don’t know if Mr. Kavanaugh actually has a history of assault or if he actually has a drinking problem. But I do know that he might. And you shouldn’t be on the Supreme Court if you might. You shouldn’t be on the People’s Court if you might. Sometimes ‘might’ is enough. I mean, I don’t want to pet your dog if he ‘might’ bite me. I don’t want to leave you in my house if you ‘might’ be a crackhead. I’m not gonna have sex with you if you ‘might’ have had sex with Charlie Sheen.

COLIN JOST: And then there are his calendars. You know, if you have calendars from 1982, it does not prove your innocent. It proves you’re a hoarder. You know when most people throw out their calendars from 1982? 1983. If you’re drinking a bunch and you keep a calendar, it’s probably to piece together what happened in your life. He kept a calendar the same way that the guy in ‘Momento’ got tattoos. Now to be fair to Judge Kavanaugh, it’s insane that he has to answer questions about his high school yearbook. If you looked into anyone’s high school yearbook, you’d find something super embarrassing. Like I regret that my senior quote was a Smash Mouth lyric. And I very much regret that my hairstyle was “The Rachel”. But if they do ask about your yearbook, why would you lie? “The Devil’s Triangle” is not a drinking game. But speaking of drinking games, if you took a shot for every time Kavanaugh lied about his yearbook, you’d be as drunk as Brett Kavanaugh was in the summer of ‘82.

MICHAEL CHE: You know these hearings have taught me a lot about what happens at white prep schools. And I never thought I’d say this, but I’m sending my kids to a black school where it’s safe. Of course this is a big deal because a Supreme Court Judge is a lifetime job. And sadly that’s more important to Congress than the concerns of half the country. Kavanaugh could be the deciding vote on issues concerning the very people he makes feel unsafe. It would be like letting a coyote decide on roadrunner rights. Or letting all white cops police an all black neighborhood. Also, why does it have to be him? You can’t just pick another dude from your Illuminati lizard meetings? Are Republicans so pro-life that you don’t even have a Plan B for this?

COLIN JOST: Now President Trump on Friday ordered the FBI to conduct a new investigation into Brett Kavanaugh. And Trump is so serious he said the FBI should probably just drop everything else and only investigate this one thing. Because after Dr. Ford’s testimony in this new FBI investigation, Kavanaugh basically has two strikes against him. Or as Kavanaugh thinks of it, Dos Equis.