Poetry Lovers

Ashley…Sarah Silverman

Scott… Kyle Mooney

Brian… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Ashley reading a book ‘The December Generation’ in a park.] [Scott walks to Ashley]

Scott: Hmm, the December Generation.

Ashley: Oh, this, yes. ‘The December Generation’, it’s a term–

Scott: [sitting down by Ashley’s side] That Jack O’Boyle used to describe a group of poets and artists from late 50s and early 60s.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Exactly.

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: Personally, I’m partialled at Christopher Patel.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Me too.

Scott: I love his poem ‘A Life Before’.

Ashley: The times we had,

the madness of it all

[Cut to Scott completing Ashley’s poem. They are staring at each other’s eyes.]

Scott: The dreams of life,

the truth we wear

Ashley: The fear, the pain and everything hereafter

[cut to Scott]

Scott: Leads to this moment.

Both: The life before.

Scott: I’m Scott.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Ashley.

[Cut to Ashley and Scott. 3 pops out of Ashley’s back]

Brian: Hey, man! Quit talking to my girlfriend like that. [Cut to 3] I’m gonna kick–

[Cut to Scott]

Scott: –kick my butt.

[Cut to 3 smiling] [3 slowly stands]

Brian: Because I’m not gonna put up with little–

[Cut to Scott completing 3’s sentence.]

Scott: –pieces of turn.

Scott and 3: From planet Earth.

Scott: Scott.

[Cut to Ashley, Scott and 3.]

Brian: Brian.

[Scott and 3 shake their hands.]

In your–

Scott and 3: –worst nightmare.

[Scott and 3 smile at each other] [Scott pushes 3 hard] [Cut to many clips of 3 bullying Scott] [Cut to Scott]

Scott: And then he made me eat this.

[Scott shows Ashley what he ate]

Ashley: Stinky Sue Supreme?

Scott: Yeah! [Scott burps]

Ashley: Brian, your temper’s out of control.

[Cut to 3 not talking back] [Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: You’re nothing but an immature–

[Cut to 3 completing Ashley’s sentence]

Brian: –emotionally stunted–

[Cut to Ashley going on with her sentence]

Ashley: –self indulgent–

Ashley and 3: Child!

[Ashley and 3 look at each other smiling]

Brian: I’m Brian.

Ashley: Ashley.

Brian: Would you want to break up with me?

Ashley: I’d like that a lot. Sayonara–

[3 completing Ashley’s statement]

Ashley and 3: -sucker!

[Cut to Ashley carrying 3 and throwing him into the garbage.]

Home for the Holidays

Daniel… Eddie Murphy

Brian… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Donna… Maya Rudolph

Ego Nwodim

Matthew… Mikey Day

[Starts with a family having Christmas dinner]

Daniel: Before we eat, I want to say a few words.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Make it quick, dad. I’m starving.

[other family members laughing] [Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: I will, I will. I just want to thank everyone for being here. And not just the immediate family. I’m talking about all the cousins and their kids and everybody.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That’s how it should be.

Daniel: That’s right, pop. [cut to Daniel] I know everybody is busy with their lives. Their own things they have to do but it means so much that you’re here with us in our home for the holidays.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: That goes for both of us.

[Cut to Daniel and Donna late at night arguing in their room]

Daniel: [yelling] How come your damn sister couldn’t host?

Donna: My sister’s house is a dump, Daniel.

Daniel: You know? I got to pay for all this damn food? Hell no!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: As I have always said, this house is happier when it’s full.

[Cut to Daniel knocking the door at night]

Daniel: [yelling] Get out of the bathroom!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Son, you and Donna have been such gracious hosts. [Cut to Brian and Grandpa] I just hope I haven’t been a nuisance.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night]

Grandpa: [coughing loudly] It’s so damn dry!

[Cut to Daniel and Donna not being able to sleep because of noise Grandpa is making] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Donna: What are you talking about? We love having you here.

[Cut to Grandpa coughing at night] [Cut back to the family dinner.]

Daniel: And of course, this is our first Christmas with our soon to be son-in-law Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew and Ego holding hands]

When you two got engaged, [Cut to Daniel] all of us were just smiling from ear to ear.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: Why cannot I marry him? Because he’s white?

Daniel: [yelling] Yes!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna: Welcome to the family, Matthew.

[Cut to Ego arguing with Daniel and Donna]

Ego: You guys are being so racist.

Donna: Damn right we are. No offense Matthew.

[Cut to Matthew just sitting there]

Matthew: None taken.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Donna:  I’m just embarrassed we have to put you two on the air mattress.

[Cut to Ego]

Ego: Mom, for the last time, it’s fine.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew]

Matthew: Yeah! It’s actually super comfortable.

[Cut to Ego and Matthew not able to sleep because of uncomfortable bed]

Matthew: [yelling] This sucks!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: And then there is Brian. [Cut to Brian] Back from college. It sure is great to have my boy back home for a few weeks.

Brian: It feels good to be home, dad.

[Cut to Daniel and Brian watching TV. Daniel is using the remote.]

Daniel: I am pushing it.

Brian: That’s channel dad! Not source.

Daniel: But channel is the source.

Brian: No, no. I showed you just yesterday!

Daniel: Just get your useless black ass out of here. I know how to do it. Just go.

[Brian leaves]

Stupid ass! Son, come back in here.

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Grandpa: Well, I just want to say as you get older, it all goes that much quicker. We should all cherish this time we all spend together as a family this Christmas. I know I will.

[Cut to Grandpa sleeping on a couch] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Thank you, pop! I could go on. But I know better than to let a meal my wife spent so much time cooking go cold.

[Cut to Donna]

Donna: Oh, stop. I just threw it together.

[Cut to Donna panicking at the kitchen]

Donna: No, no, no! [beep] [Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Anyway, thank you all for being here. And I really mean that.

Narrating: I know it might be a little crowded —

[Cut to children screaming in front of Daniel]

Daniel: This room is off limits. Get off me!

Narrating: And we might even get on each other’s nerves a little bit.

[Cut to Brian and Donna in the kitchen]

Brian: Hey, ma! Do you have any–

Donna: [yelling] No! Whatever it is, no!

Narrating: This is going to make the memories last a lifetime.

[Cut to Ego walking in toilet. Grandpa is already there.]

Grandpa: Um, occupied!

Ego: Grandpa! Lock the door!

[Cut back to the family dinner]

Daniel: Christmas is about family. And I am blessed to spend it with mine. Cheers!

Everybody: Cheers!

Brian: That was beautiful, dad.

Grandpa: Well said, son.

Matthew: That was great, dad.