Tag: Brittany

Dionne Warwick Talk Show- Ed Sheeran, Dionne Warwick and More

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Brittany… Punkie Johnson

Miley Cyrus…. Chloe Fineman

Dr. Nathan… Andrew Dismukes

Jason Mraz… Kieran Culkin

Ed Sheeran

Post Malone… Pete Davidson

Dionne Warwick

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s an iconic singer and she’s always got a zinger. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Wow. Yes. Hello. Hello. And welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I host and other people come here. And then they leave and so do I. Thanks as always to my producer and my niece Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany.]

Brittany: Love you aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now, I’d like to start today’s show with a special announcement. I have some very personal news to share with all of you.

[music playing]

[singing] Raindrops Keep falling on my head.
But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red
Alright. Thank you. Thank you. Please welcome our first guest, Miley Cyrus.

[Miley Cyrus walks in]

Miley Cyrus: Hi, it’s awesome to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah, alright. Yeah. You recently post topless for a magazine cover. That’s why I’d like to give you this Hussey award I made. [gives her the award] You are Hussey of the month.

Miley Cyrus: Oh, number one, Hussey. Yo. Oh, man. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. You just did a duet with Elton John. So did Dua Lipa and a lot of other people. My question is, does he not have my number? Oh, mam. I’m not really sure mam, but I just want to say I’m such a huge fan of yours.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, thank you. So am I. So tell me, Miley, Dojacat. Is that a singer or a Pokemon?

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, she’s a singer.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, Cardi B. Why does she need the B? Was there another Cardi in the class?

Miley Cyrus: You know, these aren’t really about me.

Dionne Warwick: Sure. All right. Okay. I’ll try. Yeah, I understand that Hannah Montana is your nemesis. My Nemesis is Wendy Williams. Let’s make a pact to kick their asses.

Miley Cyrus: You know, Hannah Montana isn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, well, neither is Wendy Williams. Alright, Miley Circus. I’m done talking to you. Bye now. Yeah.

[Miley Cyrus walks out]
All right. Now, for our important public health segment. We have a doctor here to give me my coronavirus booster live on air. Please welcome Dr. Nathan Ola.

[Dionne Warwick walks to Dr. Nathan]

[music playing]

[singing] Keep smiling…

Dr. Nathan: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Which arm do you– Alright let’s get that sleeve up and we’ll– Just get that sleeve up and we’ll go.

Dionne Warwick: That’s what friends are for. [Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat without getting the shot] Alright. I didn’t feel a thing. Now, for our next guest. This man is not famous anymore. He does not have any songs out. Please welcome Jason Mraz.

[Jason Mraz walks in]

Jason Mraz: Kind of a rough intro but yeah, I’m psyched to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Now Mr. Mraz, you are about to go back on tour. My question is Rihanna. When she gonna drop the album? She too busy making panties or something?

Jason Mraz: I’m not sure how to answer that.

Dionne Warwick: Well, Kanye change his name to Ye. Is that after the sound people make when he leaves the room?

Jason Mraz: I’m sorry, can you ask me questions about me?

Dionne Warwick: Fine. Okay, what’s with the hat? If I took it off when I see your brain?

Jason Mraz: Okay, I’m gonna go. Thank you so much.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Ed Sheeran.

[Ed Sheeran walks in]

Ed Sheeran: Hi, Ms. Warwick. I’m really glad to be here.

Dionne Warwick: Of course, you are. Now you did a song called south of the border. My question is are you nasty?

Ed Sheeran: Yes. A little bit.

Dionne Warwick: Oh, good.  Cuz I think that’s healthy. Alright. You’re writing a song for the next season of Ted Lasso. So, what I’d like to know is what is Apple TV and how do you get it on a Dell computer?

Ed Sheeran: Is that the best question for me to answer?

Dionne Warwick: I don’t know. Shoot. All right. Did you know Ed Sheeran backwards is Dionne Warwick?

Ed Sheeran: I don’t think it is.

Dionne Warwick: I read that Elton John calls you every morning. Why would he talk to you and not me? Personally, I prefer to talk to me.

Ed Sheeran: Well, I mean, me and Elton are doing Christmas song together.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. All right. Well, apparently you and everyone else. Am I beefing with Elton John? Okay, you can go. Go on and go. Next up, I just want everybody to know I’ve learned my lesson that Machine Gun Kelly is too scary for me. So, I’ve invited a different man who I feel I’d be more comfortable with. Please welcome Post Malone.

[Post Malone walks in]

Post Malone: Hi, Ms. Warwick.

Dionne Warwick: No! No! No! Oh my god, it is worse. Get him out. You go. You gotta go.

[Post Malone leaves]

Oh my god. Much better. Much better. Brittany put that man in a cab back to Spooky Town, USA.

Brittany: I’m on it.

Dionne Warwick: I’m tired of interviewing people who are not icons. Please welcome me.

[The real Dionne Warwick walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, well. Hello.

Real Dionne Warwick: Hi, darling. I’m so excited for you that I’m here.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Alright. Well, let me ask you something. Why are you perfect?

Real Dionne Warwick:  Darling, I’m not perfect. I’m just very, very good.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Okay. Today I heard a song by an artist called Young Boy Never Broke Again. Why aren’t people just caught Burt Bacharach anymore?

Real Dionne Warwick: You know, that is an excellent question and I don’t know the answer, but I will keep tweeting until I find out.

Dionne Warwick: You know, why does it say you were booked to headline Doge Palooza, a Dogecoin Music Festival. My question is what is that? How does it work? Why would you do it? And can I come?

Real Dionne Warwick: Well to answer your questions, I don’t know. I don’t know. Because they paid me. And yes.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, Dionne. Would you like to sing a song for the people?

Real Dionne Warwick: Do they deserve it?

Dionne Warwick: They o. Why don’t you go ahead and grab your mic? Right? I think we should go ahead and do it.

[music playing]

Dionne Warwick and Real Dionne Warwick: [singing] What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love
What the world is now
love, sweet love
it’s the only thing
that there’s just too little love

Little Miss Teacher’s Friend

Sabrina Kirpatsky… Aidy Bryant

Principal… David Harbour

Bowen Yang

Mrs. Pallarro… Ego Nwodim

Corrine… Kate McKinnon

Dina M…Melissa Villaseñor

Brittany… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with an intro of the show]

Announcer: Live from school, it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant on stage]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: In math she got A plus

peer mediator on the bus

it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: Hello and welcome to the 29th annual Little Miss Teacher’s Friend pageant. I’m your host, the principal.

[Cut to the audience]

Bowen Yang: Woo!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: No, enough! We all have teachers, but what do teachers have? Students. And what sometimes are students? Sweet. And the sweetest student of all is the teacher’s friend. Here with us is last year’s winner. Someone I had never see in my office, Sabrina Kirpatsky.

[Sabrina Kirpatsky joins the principal]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well said, principal. And good evening and thanks for all for being here.

The Principal: Sabrina, what makes you a good teacher’s friend?

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well, thank you for the excellent question. I see adults as peers and children as disgusting. I’m a natural helper and a shoosh-er of boys. And most of all, I’m genuinely teacher’s actual very good friend.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: All right. And here to judge the contest is the teacher herself, Mrs. Pallarro.

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: She’s perfect, she’s special

once she put me in charge of the classroom

and I felt like I touched the stars

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]
Mrs. Pallarro: Hi, Sabrina. This whole thing is very sweet, but I want to be clear that I don’t see you as my friends. You’re my students.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Mrs. Pallarro, you are very funny.

The Principal: All right, let’s meet our hopefuls. First up, she’s 12 years younger than her siblings, it’s Corrine.

[Cut to Corrine entering the stage]

Corrine loves horses, but is scared of them. She’s taken four CPR classes just in case. And just recently she had a meeting with the nurse about washing her hair.

[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Corrine, your question. Please tell us about your most epic tattle.

Corrine: Oh, gladly. One time on the bus, AJ drew Marge Simpson with her boobs out. And I wanted to tell teacher so bad that I opened the emergency exit and I rolled onto the street and I broke my ribs.

The Principal: Wow. So committed to tattling. Thank you, Corrine.

Corrine: Wait, can I say my wish?

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, of course.

[Cut to Corrine]

Corrine: I wish my peers would behave themselves so Mrs. Pollarro wouldn’t have a headache all the time.

[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Okay. Wow. That’s a beautifully put. Thank you, Corrine.

[Corrine leaves the stage]

The Principal: Next up it’s Dina M.

[Cut to Dina M entering the stage]

Dina gets hurt outdoors very easily. And get this, she knows a lot of saints.

[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Now, Dina, March 7th is right around the corner, which we all know is Mrs. Pallarro’s birthday. What will you buy her and why?

[Cut to Dina]

Dina M: Well, I know she likes dogs and the packers. So maybe a diamond necklace?

[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky:  Correct. That’s correct.

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Okay. This is a great time for me to remind everyone, please don’t buy me expensive gifts. It puts me in a weird spot.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, teacher so modest.

The Principal: This year’s dark horse, it’s Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany entering the stage]

Brittany gets to do word searched instead of gym, because her scoliosis, her asthma and her religion. Her greatest wish is for her family to let her be a pallbearer.

[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Brittany, your question. What do you imagine teacher doing in her house when she gets home after school?

[Cut to Brittany]

Brittany: I imaging she reads my book report out loud to her husband who I saw once. He was bald. Which is funny.

[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: That is funny. Thank you, Brittany. [Brittany leaves the stage] Remember, the winner of Little Miss Teacher’s Friend will take home a gorgeous framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro’s wedding in Cabo.

[Cut to a framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro and her husband on a beach]

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Oh, oh, Sabrina. Did you print that off my Instagram?

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Yes.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: Now, we’d like to take a moment to celebrate the casualties of tattling, the bad boys.

[Boys walk pass behind the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: AJ, TJ, BJ, JJ, and Mikey Martori, who I do not have a crush on. Back to you, Rupert.

The Principal: Please, call me the principal.

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Very well.

The Principal: And now, the winner. Who will it be?

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Actually there won’t be a winner, because I’m pregnant. I’ll be on maternity leave after Christmas. You’ll have a sub the rest of the year.

[Cut to Sabrina, Corrine, Dina, Brittany crying]

Everybody: No!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: Okay. Well, they’re crying. So, that’s all the time we have. I am the principal.

[Cut to the audience]

Bowen Yang: Woo!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: No! Reminding you please don’t meet your teacher in the staff parking lot. They don’t need help carrying anything. Good night.

[Ends with Little Miss Teacher’s Friend outrp]