Broadway Benefit

Aidy Bryant

Brad… Kyle Mooney

Brick… Bowen Yang

Bliab… Cecily Strong

Tennyson Hartley… Jonathan Majors

[Starts with audience talking to each other at Broadway Benefit.]

Aidy: Well, thanks for buying the tickets to this Broadway Benefit, Brad.

Brad: Well, they’ve been closed for a year for covid. I wanted to support. So, the headliners are life in brick. Who are they again?

Aidy: Oh, just two of the biggest Broadway legends ever. [to daughter] Honey. Mommy used to come to see this review every holiday season when she was a little girl. It’s fun for the whole family.

Brad: Oh, look, it’s starting.

[Cut to the show. Brick walks to Bliab who is sitting at a table drinking martini]

Bliab: Brig, you son of a bitch. What the hell are you doing in my house?

Brick: Oh, you gave me a set of keys when you were blacked out drunk. Blaib. Remember, you batty brah?

Bliab: Oh, if you’re gonna flirt with me like that, I hope you brought rubbers.

Brick: Hah! Not in this lifetime, you cow.

Brad:  Are you sure this is appropriate for kids?

Aidy: Yeah. It’s a little harder than I remember. But my parents brought me every year. So, don’t worry. The songs are really cute.

Brick: So, what are you getting up to, Bliab, besides drugs?

Bliab: Oh, you’re the one to talk?

Brick: Well, why talk when we can sing?

Bliab: You go for dough

Brick: Well, you like pills

Bliab: Well, you love powder

Brick: We both love powder

Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs
Sound go for dots, some go for weed

Bliab: Some girls like acid

Brick: This boy likes speed

Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs

Brad: Is this whole song about drugs? Your parents really brought you to this?

Aidy: I guess I didn’t really know what it meant. It’s fine. It’s going over her head.

Brad: Okay, who’s that man crawling through the window?

Brick and Bliab: Dad’s legend, Tennyson Hartley, as I live and breathe.

Tennyson: Did I miss the party?

Brick: Why didn’t you just talk through the door?

Tennyson: Because, I’m high as a kite.

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Some say, if you feel a little down
you simply go right into town

Brick: And get yourself some candy

Tennyson: He means nose candy

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: You don’t have the money you can get a little handy

Brad: No. No, no, no, no. That’s not okay. We shouldn’t go.

Aidy: Well, but Tennyson is about to dance and that’s what he’s known for. He’s incredible.

[Tennyson is dancing and it’s a very bad dance]

Brick: Wow!

Bliab: You still got it, Tennyson.

Tennyson: Hey, I know Christmas is still away but why don’t we do our secret Santa early?

Brick: Sure! I got you coke.

Tennyson: I got you blunt.

Bliab: Oh, I got you too.

Brick: And I got you snow.

Bliab: Coke, coke, coke
I’m into the speedy snow

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Coke, coke, coke, coke, cocaine!
Some day, that there’s not better type of high

the shooting speed right in your eye
but don’t tell the cop

Tennyson: I might have taken poppers

Bliab: I did so much LSD

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Nobody can stop her
K is fine
T is swell
I don’t know how qualu spell
I guess some more of obotune

Tennyson: We’ll smoke anything off a bong

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Snort, sniff, pot
and you’ll feel like you could jump off a building and survive

everyone today is using

Brick: Which bobbins array you choosing?

Tennyson: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna jump off the building.

Brick: No. Tennyson!

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Everybody today is doing drugs. 

Aidy: I am so sorry. I guess it’s not for kids at all.

Brad: [to daughter] You okay, Sally? We can go.

Sally: Are you kidding? I got goosebumps.

Brad: And a theater lover is born! [clapping]