Aidy Bryant
Brad… Kyle Mooney
Brick… Bowen Yang
Bliab… Cecily Strong
Tennyson Hartley… Jonathan Majors
[Starts with audience talking to each other at Broadway Benefit.]
Aidy: Well, thanks for buying the tickets to this Broadway Benefit, Brad.
Brad: Well, they’ve been closed for a year for covid. I wanted to support. So, the headliners are life in brick. Who are they again?
Aidy: Oh, just two of the biggest Broadway legends ever. [to daughter] Honey. Mommy used to come to see this review every holiday season when she was a little girl. It’s fun for the whole family.
Brad: Oh, look, it’s starting.
[Cut to the show. Brick walks to Bliab who is sitting at a table drinking martini]
Bliab: Brig, you son of a bitch. What the hell are you doing in my house?
Brick: Oh, you gave me a set of keys when you were blacked out drunk. Blaib. Remember, you batty brah?
Bliab: Oh, if you’re gonna flirt with me like that, I hope you brought rubbers.
Brick: Hah! Not in this lifetime, you cow.
Brad: Are you sure this is appropriate for kids?
Aidy: Yeah. It’s a little harder than I remember. But my parents brought me every year. So, don’t worry. The songs are really cute.
Brick: So, what are you getting up to, Bliab, besides drugs?
Bliab: Oh, you’re the one to talk?
Brick: Well, why talk when we can sing?
Bliab: You go for dough
Brick: Well, you like pills
Bliab: Well, you love powder
Brick: We both love powder
Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs
Sound go for dots, some go for weed
Bliab: Some girls like acid
Brick: This boy likes speed
Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs
Brad: Is this whole song about drugs? Your parents really brought you to this?
Aidy: I guess I didn’t really know what it meant. It’s fine. It’s going over her head.
Brad: Okay, who’s that man crawling through the window?
Brick and Bliab: Dad’s legend, Tennyson Hartley, as I live and breathe.
Tennyson: Did I miss the party?
Brick: Why didn’t you just talk through the door?
Tennyson: Because, I’m high as a kite.
Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Some say, if you feel a little down
you simply go right into town
Brick: And get yourself some candy
Tennyson: He means nose candy
Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: You don’t have the money you can get a little handy
Brad: No. No, no, no, no. That’s not okay. We shouldn’t go.
Aidy: Well, but Tennyson is about to dance and that’s what he’s known for. He’s incredible.
[Tennyson is dancing and it’s a very bad dance]
Brick: Wow!
Bliab: You still got it, Tennyson.
Tennyson: Hey, I know Christmas is still away but why don’t we do our secret Santa early?
Brick: Sure! I got you coke.
Tennyson: I got you blunt.
Bliab: Oh, I got you too.
Brick: And I got you snow.
Bliab: Coke, coke, coke
I’m into the speedy snow
Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Coke, coke, coke, coke, cocaine!
Some day, that there’s not better type of high
the shooting speed right in your eye
but don’t tell the cop
Tennyson: I might have taken poppers
Bliab: I did so much LSD
Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Nobody can stop her
K is fine
T is swell
I don’t know how qualu spell
U-U-A-A-L-L-U-U-A
I guess some more of obotune
Tennyson: We’ll smoke anything off a bong
Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Snort, sniff, pot
and you’ll feel like you could jump off a building and survive
everyone today is using
Brick: Which bobbins array you choosing?
Tennyson: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna jump off the building.
Brick: No. Tennyson!
Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Everybody today is doing drugs.
Aidy: I am so sorry. I guess it’s not for kids at all.
Brad: [to daughter] You okay, Sally? We can go.
Sally: Are you kidding? I got goosebumps.
Brad: And a theater lover is born! [clapping]