Tag: Brooklyn

WWII Scene

Sargent… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Donny… Kenan Thompson

Brooklyn… Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Beck Bennett

[Starts with A Degree of Valor intro]

Announcer: We now return to the World War II classic, A degree of Valor

[Cut to black and white video of a war]

Sargent: Fall back men, the Germans have us surrounded.

Donny: You got it, sarge.

[Everyone falls back but Brooklyn walks right in.]

Sargent: Brooklyn, I said fall back. That’s forward.

Brooklyn: What?

Sargent: Brooklyn!

[Brooklyn gets hit]

Brooklyn: Ah! Sarge, they got me.

Sargent: Hang on son. We’re gonna get you out of here. [calling for help] Medic!

Brooklyn: No Sarge, it’s too late.

Sargent: Don’t talk like that. You’re gonna be fine.

Brooklyn: No. No. Listen, I gotta ask you for a favor.

Sargent: Sure Brooklyn. What is it?

Brooklyn: When I’m gone, I need you to go to my house and find my girl and tell her that I loved her, even though she was a Sox fan.

Sargent: Okay Brooklyn, I promise I’ll tell her the first chance I get.

Brooklyn: And then once you go and tell her that, make some excuse to go up to my garage.

Sargent: The garage?

Brooklyn: Yeah. There’s something there I need you to find. It’s a– It’s a toy for the butt.

Sargent: A what for the butt?

Brooklyn: Just like a fun thing for the butt.

Sargent: Youre not making any sense, son.

[Cut to Donny and Bobby]

Donny: He’s talking about butt-plug, sir.

Bobby: Yeah, like the ones we saw in Paris. Right?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Yeah.

Bobby: The pointed ones? Yeah.

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: I’d hate for my girlfriend to find it. She just wouldn’t understand.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, I get that.

[cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: Yeah, and don’t worry, I never used it though. I was too afraid.

Sargent: Okay, I’ll try son. I’ll try.

Brooklyn: Don’t try. Do it. Find my butt plug. Okay? The box has a picture of a man smiling.

Sargent: Okay, I’ll look for that. Now just try to rest. Let’s not talk about any of that anymore.

Brooklyn: Wait. There’s something else I need you to get rid of. It’s a notebook full of boogie woogie songs that I wrote. They’re just too embarrassing.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I mean, worse than the butt plug?

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: Well, one goes like this.

[singing] Hey there Jasmine, spread your jazz
spread it thick as tuna tonight
now we’re eating Jazz

Sargent: Okay Brookly, I’ll destroy it for you.

Brooklyn: Unless you think it is good, then try to publish it.

Sargent: I’ll destroy it for you.

[Cut to Donny]

Donny: Yeah, I don’t know. I think people might dance to that.

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: You do? Thanks Donny. I’m gonna miss you the most.

[Cut to Donny]

Donny: Oh, come on! Don’t make me cry now.

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: The butt plug is bigger than you’d expect. Just be ready for that.

Sargent: That’s fine. That’s fine.

Brooklyn: It was an ego thing. I just wanted to challenge myself.

Sargent: Okay. How much more life do you have in you do you think?

Brooklyn: [coughing] Enough to ask you one more favor. Get rid of all the photos of me being sassy.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Sassy? What’s that?

[Cut to Sargent and Brooklyn]

Brooklyn: You know, sassy. It’s kind of like, being like– [Brooklyn pouts his lips and snaps his fingers and raises his hand] You know, or being like judging some people’s clothes. Or one like this. [Brooklyn pokes his cheek with his finger and pout his lips.]

Sargent: Okay, Brooklyn. Anything else?

[Brooklyn is not moving anymore]

[Cut to everybody. Bobby looks at Brooklyn.]

Bobby: He is dead sir.

Beck: He died as he lived, sassy.

Sargent: Goodbye, Brooklyn. Your soul wasn’t bad.

[singing Brooklyn’s song]Hey there Jasmine, spread your jazz

Everybody: Spread it thick as tuna tonight
now we’re eating Jazz

[Donny stands and dances slowly to the song]

Donny: See I told you you could dance to this.

[Donny gets hit]

Ah! I’m hit!

[The End]

Brooklyn Democratic Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… David Larry

Arrow Louis… Kenan Thompson

Elaine Benes… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rachael Green… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening and welcome to the CNN Democratic Debate live from Brooklyn, New York. i am Wolf Blitzer and believe it or not i shaved five minutes ago. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to the podium]

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello Brooklyn. Whoo! I cannot wait to be your next president, if I’m elected of course. Not getting ahead of myself… in public. In private, I’ve been president for 15 years.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer.]

Wolf Blitzer: And Vermont senator, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders walks to this podium.]

[cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. Good for you. Good for you. I am Bernie Sanders. I am a voice for regular people. I’m not fancy. I’m not the elite. I put on my pants just like all of you. I sit on the edge of the bed and Jane pulls them up for me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Well, thank you both for making time to be here. I know it’s hard for both of you to agree on a date.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well no. Not for me, Wolf. I offered up a date right away. I said, “How about Mapril thirty-third aploo-ploo-o’clock?”

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf, I want a million debates. When people hear my message it resonates loud and clear. Because I always talk like I’m on the other side of a river.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. You recently stood by governor Cuomo as he signed a $15 minimum wage into law. So you no longer think it should be $12?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No. Wolf, I have said from the beginning that it should be a combination of 12 and/or 15.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. No you didn’t. You always said 12.

Hillary Clinton: And 15. I said 12 and/or 15.

Bernie Sanders: No. That’s not true.

Hillary Clinton: [pointing at Bernie Sanders] Yes, it is.

Bernie Sanders: [pointing at Hillary Clinton and walking a step forward towards Hillary Clinton aggressively] No, it is not.

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bernie Sanders: No.

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders start hitting each other]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Bernie Sanders by his neck and rubs her knuckle on his forehead]

Hillary Clinton: Are you feeling the Bern?

Bernie Sanders: It burns.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Secretary Clinton, come on, let him go. Let him go.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, raising both her hands as celebrating her fight victory.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s how we do it in Brooklyn, baby. Whoo! God I love Brooklyn. Brooklyn, the only place on earth where the [whispering inaudibly] is better than the [whispering inaudibly].

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. We now have a question about black issues. So for that, we turn to our black moderator, Arrow Louis.

[Wolf Blitzer leaves and Arrow Louis walks in]

[romantic music playing]

Arrow Louis: Oh, yeah, candidates. It’s time for the black question. So you know, they asked me to do it. And I’m gonna do it real good. Here we go.

[music stops]

Secretary Clinton, in 1994, you supported a crime bill that has led to the mass incarceration of many black people. Do you regret this decision?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] I am laughing to give myself time to think about how to answer this question. Ha-ha. [thinking] Got it. Listen Wolf, the black community loves me. And I love them. In fact, I have two black people in my phone. Barack Obama and my husband Bill Clinton. God, I love Barack. We do every thing together. We’re always chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool and [singing] shooting some b-ball outside of the school with a couple of guys, that they were up to no good.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Wow-wow,wow-wow. I’m gonna stop you right there. You already have the black vote. Don’t ruin it.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Wolf! Let me just say I have supported the black community since the Rachael Green0s. I marched in Selma with Martin Luther King Jr. Did I run when they turned on the hoses? Yes. I didn’t sign up for getting wet. I’m not getting sick in Selma, I’ll tell you that.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Moving on. Secretary Clinton, many have said this campaign has gotten meaner in recent weeks. Do you think you played a part in this?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, come on Wolf. I don’t have a mean bone in my body. Just ask anyone except those close to me.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, since we’re here in New York we thought it would be appropriate to take questions from some real New Yorkers in the audience.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Sure, sure, bring it on.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our first question comes from a long time New Yorker. She has worked in publishing and her name is Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes in the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Elaine Benes: Hi there. Um, yeah, I have two questions. My first is for senator Sanders.

[Cut to split screen]

Bernie Sanders: I couldn’t hear the question.

Elaine Benes: Yeah. I didn’t ask it yet, Bernie. So listen, you’ve been pretty vague in the past, but how exactly are you gonna break up the big banks?

Bernie Sanders: You mean the big bank breakup?

Elaine Benes: Yeah, big bank breakup.

[Bernie Sanders gesturing like he’s slapping it]

Bernie Sanders: I will break em’ up!

Elaine Benes: How? How?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Once I’m elected president, I’ll have nice schvitz in the White House gym. Then I’ll go to the big banks. I’ll sit them down. And yada-yada-yada, they’ll be broken up.

[Cut to split screen]

Elaine Benes: What? No! No! You can’t yada-yada at a debate! Also, you yada-yada over the best part.

Bernie Sanders: No. I mentioned the schvitz.

Elaine Benes: Okay, secretary Clinton. [Hillary Clinton appears in place of Bernie Sanders] My question for you is don’t it suck to be the only girl in a group of guys?

Hillary Clinton: [raising both hands] Yes, it does my sister friend.

Elaine Benes: Well, don’t worry because everyone thinks you are by far the funniest. I mean, the most qualified.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Then what the hell am I?

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: You’re bald.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Bernie has gotten upset!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question is another long time New Yorker. She works in fashion and her name is Rachael Green.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Ah-ah, yeah! So, because of the, um, the uh, uh, ya, and um, what would? Yeah.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Ma’am, that wasn’t a question. And your time is up.

[Cut to Rachael Green]

Rachael Green: Oh. Oh, great! Great!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Our next question comes from a father of six. He’s a OBGYN in Brooklyn and his name is Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: Oh, no! No! No!

Bernie Sanders: Forget that. No.

[Hillary Clinton turns around]

I need black voters but not that bad.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay. Then it looks like we have one final question, and we’re going back to Miss Elaine Benes.

[Cut to Elaine Benes]

Elaine Benes: Yea, senator Sanders, [Cut to split screen] you believe that the super rich should pay more in taxes.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Right. That’s right.

Elaine Benes: But wouldn’t that be bad for actors who made a lot of money on a certain very successful sitcom?

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. So?

Elaine Benes: Well, I mean wouldn’t it be even worse for the person who created that sitcom? I mean, wouldn’t he lose a lot of money? Do you see what I’m saying?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Eee- yeah, yeah, yeah. You should vote for her.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Elaine Benes runs in.]

Hillary Clinton: That’s me, yes. And…

Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Elaine Benes: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Bushwick, Brooklyn 2015

Jay Pharoah

Kevin Hart

Marques

Kenan Thompson

[Strats with a video clip of streets of Bushwick, Brooklyn]

[Cut to three black young men at the hood.]

Jay: Yo! Who dat? Who dat?

Kevin: Wait! Who?

[Cut to Marques cycling]

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: Man, it’s just Marques, man!

Kevin: Yo! Wad up, Marques?

Kenan: Wad up, Kes?

Jay: Yo, it’s getting crazy out here.

Kevin: I told you I ran in the Ray today, right?

Kenan: Is that right?

Kevin: Yeah!

Kenan: What happened?

Kevin: So, I’m walking down Bushwick, right? I’m on my way to Martha’s

Jay: Your baby mother?

Kevin: Na, na, na. that new mayonnaise spot.

[Cut to Kevin walking into Martha’s Mayonnaise store.]

Jay: Yo, I heard about that.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I read about it on donut food blog. It said that the garlic truffle was a must try, so I said, “Alright, let me try.”

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: Didn’t I show a movie spin class to Bushwick?

Kevin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Jay: Yeah! I was there last week.

[Cut to Kevin on gym cycle between two other ladies using gym cycles. Kevin is using cellphone.]

I texted you but you an’t text me back.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I was caught up. I had brunch with Carol.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Wait, what Carol? Carol from project?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Na, na, na. Carol DeTec that I nanny for.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Oh, okay.

Kenan: Her kids went away on ski trip, you know what I’m saying? So, we just had a day together. Telling why and whatever. Had that brunch, went to shopping, got gelato.

Kevin: Let me tell you something. You be needing that bro. You know what I’m saying? The time, that ‘you time’.

Kenan: So, anyway, you seen Ray, then what happened?

Kevin: Oh, right. So, I’m with my bitches, right?

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Come on, man! You ain’t got no bitches.

[Cut to Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: Play you out, man.

Kevin: Why you tryina’ play me like I ain’t got like, 10  bitches man? My dog walking business is bubbling!

[Cut to Kevin walking the dogs.]

Kenan: Everybody in the hood know about your passion for K9.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Ay!

Kenan: Streets is talking, fam! That’s why you getting that bread right now.

Kevin: Let me tell you something. It ain’t even about that bread, bro. Man, I got love for them dogs. Love. I’d die for mine. [cut to Kevin] I knitted the sweaters for Christmas. [Cut to Kevin holding two dogs wearing Christmas red sweater and he is wearing the same sweater too.]

Kenan: That’s adorable.

Kevin: We all got matching sweaters man.

[cut to Jay]

Jay: I mean, that’s real talk, man! Coz it’s like, you know, when you doing something you love, you don’t even got the work no more. It’s not work no more.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Heard that.

Jay: That’s how I feel about my parties.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Ayo! How was that last party?

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Jay: Oh, that last party was off the table, man.

[Cut to Jay in painting class drinking wine.]

It was drinking wine. Painting the landscapes. Various food, you know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: You have any Cheeses though?

Jay: Do we have Cheeses. You asking if we have any chee– [Cut to Jay] What else are you gonna compare with, air?

Kevin: You’re right.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Who went to it though?

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Yo! The whole squad was in there. Big Tank, Sara, Smokie, Marative, D’Rock, Barbara. What’s the boy’s name?

Kevin: Bacwaf.

Jay: Bacwaf.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Even Brit was there.

[Cut to Brit playing guitar and singing]

Brit: [singing] I’m in love with the Coco.

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Yeah, listen. We was turned up.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Yo man, I missed that B.

Jay: Well, I sent you an Evite and everything. You ain’t even respond.

[cut to Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: [laughing] Yo! This dude said Evite like it’s twothousandthree or something.

Kevin: [laughing] Yo!

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

So, stupid, yo! You sound stupid.

Jay: Okay.

Kevin: You a sad music. Here comes the sad man.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Word! You acting like somebody put gluten in your muffin or something.

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Whatever, man!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Anyway! Back to the damn story.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Right. Right, right, right.

Kenan: We don’t bush away. You see Ray, and?

Kevin: I shot him.

[Cut to Kevin shooting somebody with his gun.]

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Jay: In front of the bitches and everything?

Kevin: Yeah!

[Cut to Kevin with the dogs holding a gun. Then he turns back and walks away with his dogs.]

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: How was the mayonnaise?

Kevin: I didn’t get the mayonnaise. They trying to charge $8 for that shit.

Kenan: For mayonnaise?

Kevin: For mayonnaise. $8 for the mayonnaise.

Kenan: Come on, man!

[Kevin looks at someone.]

Kevin: Yo! Who dat? Who dat?

Kenan: Oh, that’s just Carama and his life partner. Wad up Caray?

Kevin: Wad up Magel?

Jay: It’s getting crazy out here.

[police siren]

Kevin: Yo, yo! Five, five, five.

[Jay, Kevin and Kenan split and walk in different directions.