Weekend Update Bruce Chandling

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Thanksgiving is next week and here with his unique take on the holiday is veteran stand-up comic. You know, he helped me out a lot when I first started. Please welcome, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in] [cheers and applause]

Bruce Chandling: Oh, hey, hey!

Michael Che: How are you?

Bruce Chandling: Hey, Michael. Good to be here. [delivering bad punch line] Now, where is the food, dude?

Michael Che: Um, Bruce, as you know, thanksgiving isn’t until next Thursday.

Bruce Chandling: No, I know. I’m just– I’m very hungry. We gotta love thanksgiving, right? I love the story of thanksgiving. Pilgrims come to America. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] They are on this big boat. But it’s not an easy journey. They gotta deal with the cold weather, cramped quarters, people getting sick, and worst of all, [delivering bad punch line] bad satellite reception when they are trying to watch the big game.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: I’m sorry, you think that pilgrims had TV but with bad reception?

Bruce Chandling: Exactly. The star of the show is the big meal, right? Coz I’m the corn on the cob guy. You heard about this? [Michael Che shakes his head no] [Cut to Bruce Chandling]You’ve seen this? You know, I can’t get enough of the stuff. But the Indians, they don’t call it corn. They call it maize. [delivering bad punch line] As in, maize i have a second helping?

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Oh, Bruce, man, I don’t like that one at all.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, what’s the matter, Michael? [delivering bad punch line] Too corny?

Michael Che: Hey, please stop.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, just 45 minutes left. By the way, you know, thanks for helping out a fellow comic. It really means a lot to me.

Michael Che: I think we’re pretty different, actually.

Bruce Chandling: No. Of course, the day after thanksgiving, they got Black Friday. Heard about this one? Seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah, I’ve hear of it.

Bruce Chandling: It’s where you got all the deals at the mini mall.

Michael Che: Mini mall?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay, the Mini mall. Personally, I think they should change the name from Black Friday to Black and Blue Friday. [delivering bad punch line] Because that’s how you are going to look if you get between me and the hottest toy.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Bruce, you’re not actually fighting people for toys, are you?

Bruce Chandling: Don’t worry, Michael. I ain’t. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] [being emotional] I mean, even if I got the toy, I wouldn’t have anyone special to give it to. I always wanted to have a little Bruce, you know? But I can’t. Because my body don’t work that way.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Hey, I’m sorry about that, Bruce.

Bruce Chandling: IT’s probably for the best.

Michael Che: Don’t say that.

Bruce Chandling: I wouldn’t even be able to take care of him. I can’t get a job. Don’t even know how to write cursive.

Michael Che: I don’t think you need to know cursive to get a job.

Bruce Chandling: The problem is, I don’t know non-cursive either.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah, Bruce, seems like you’re having a rough time. You know what? Why don’t you come over and celebrate thanksgiving with me and my family. How about that?

Bruce Chandling: Hmm. I guess. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] You know what they say…

Michael Che: Oh, dude!

Bruce Chandling: [delivering bad punch line] Where’s the food, dude?

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: That was the worst one yet. Bruce Chandling, everybody.

Bruce Chandling: Hey, still got 42 minutes left.

Michael Che: No. You’re done.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think he’s getting better.

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling on Easter

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Temperatures climbed up to 80 degrees in New York this week and Easter Sunday arrives tomorrow marking the unofficial beginning of spring time. Here with his unique take on the season is veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Yo! Ay! Michael! Ay, so good to be here. You know? The sun’s out, flowers are in bloom and the girl’s skirts are getting a lot shorter. So, this guy has got work to do.

Michael Che: What re you talking about? what work?

Bruce Chandling: Exactly! Look, I love Easter. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Right? Personally, I don’t get it. I mean, you got that big bunny showing up, giving sweets all over the backyard. Now, in the real world, you know, I’m just saying, most animals don’t deposit candy in the grass. They leave something else. And I don’t recommend eating that chocolate.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Yo, what age range are these jokes for?

Bruce Chandling: Hey, you really got to stop interrupting, okay, pal?

Michael Che: Yeah, but–

Bruce Chandling: Alright! [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Of course, my favorite part of the season has to be spring break. Yeah! yeah!

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: They’re not cheering for you. They’re cheering for spring break I think.

Bruce Chandling: I mean, these college kids love to have fun. [to Michael Che] You’ve seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah. I’ve–

Bruce Chandling: You heard about this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] You know, they’re always getting together and going on trips down south. And I ain’t just talking about Mexico if you catch my drift.

[cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Yeah, man, we all get it and it’s bad. Are you finished?

Bruce Chandling: But honestly, you know, these kids they really do go nuts, Michael. We t-shirt contests. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Rock hard abs. Beautiful people looking the best they are ever going to look. It really makes you think.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: What? Is that the punch line?

Bruce Chandling: No. [cut to Bruce Chandling] It just– it really– it makes you think about how you might not ever be able to look like that again. [Bruce Chandling is getting depressed] The weight gets harder to lose and you don’t remember what it feels like to be kissed. Now, some loser in lab coat is telling you that you have to wear glasses because you are practically blind. Well, [wears his glasses] go ahead and laugh all you want. I guess the real joke here is me.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Hey, Bruce, I’m sorry, man. I didn’t know you were struggling, but I think you are a good person inside and that’s what really matters.

Bruce Chandling: I guess you’re right. I mean, at least– [smirking]

Michael Che: Oh god!

Bruce Chandling: — I didn’t eat the wrong chocolate!

Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling

Bruce Chandling… Kyle Mooney

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: Major league baseball return this week. The Golden State Warriors are chasing history and the final round of the master’s tournament is set to start on Sunday. Here with his unique take of the world of sports is veteran stand up coming, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Hey. Oh! It’s so good to be here Michael. Now, can we hurry this up? I’m trying to get home in time to watch the… big game.

[silence]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t think any games are starting this late.

Bruce Chandling: Exactly! Ay, that’s just a thing, right? Also Che, we’re on the same page. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] One thing we can all agree on is that [laughing] women do not get sports.

[silence] [Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: That’s your unique take?

Bruce Chandling: Ay, hear me out Michael. Hear me out. I bring my girl at the ball game that day. it’s a true story by the way. It actually happened. Whole time she’s going, [Cut to Bruce Chandling] “Who is winning, Bruce? Which team is which? Why aren’t they all shoppy?” Please, I’m asking myself, ‘Am I watching a baseball game or solving a mystery?’

Michael Che: Bruce, there are millions of female sports fans.

Bruce Chandling: [laughing] Great routine. But you know, [Cut to Bruce Chandling] we all live in different day and age. Right? Case in point. Male cheerleaders? [laughing] Oh, ouch! I mean, they stink. [Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling] Right Michael?

Michael Che: What? That’s the whole joke?

Bruce Chandling: Uh-huh! These days they’ll turn anything into sport.

Michael Che: Okay.

Bruce Chandling: Horse racing. You heard about this?

Michael Che: Yeah, man.

Bruce Chandling: You’ve seen this?

Michael Che: Yeah.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: It is where they put a person on top of a horse and ride around a circle. Now I don’t know about you, Michael, but I never heard about a guy on a horse. [laughing] [Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: What? What about cowboys? Okay, I’m sorry. Did you run these jokes by anybody? Like, do you have any friends that you can work your material out on first before you come on national TV?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Hah-ha-ha. [looks around] I guess… Ha-ha-ha. No, I don’t.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Oh, my bad man. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: And not only do people not want to be around me coz they think I’m boring, but it probably doesn’t help that I’m also very poor.

[Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: [laughing] Jeez. Alright. [Awkward]

Bruce Chandling: You can call me Mr. worthless pile of junk.

Michael Che: Oh, come on. Hey, Bruce. I’m really sorry, bud. Maybe live television isn’t the place to work on your personal issues.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Um-hmm. I guess the only issue I have worked out is that… [smiling] women do not get sports. [laughing] [Cut to Michael Che and Bruce Chandling]

Michael Che: Bruce Chadling, everybody.

[Colin Jost laughing]

For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

[The End]

Weekend Update Bruce Chandling about Relationships

Michael Che

Bruce Chandling

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: As temperatures drop, single people are trying to lock down relationships to help get them through the winter. Here with his unique take on the subject is the guy that I’ve been seeing around the clubs and colleges, all over the place, veteran New York stand up comic, Bruce Chandling.

[Bruce Chandling slides in]

Bruce Chandling: Hi. Michael, so good to be here. I gotta say, you look good… for once. Seriously, I gotta put it all out on table tonight. [Cut to Bruce Chandling] I really do. And you know, people trying to keep me from speaking my mind. But I’m sorry yo! Somebody gotta tell it like it is. I do not get women.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Okay.

Bruce Chandling: Right? Coz the thing about women is they’re always asking so many questions. You notice this? You seen this? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] Right? Where you going Bruce? Where you’ve been? What happened to all the stuff in the refrigerator? Pretty soon I start to think am I dating a girl or am I dating a pop quiz?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, thanks for stopping by, Bruce. That was pretty good, man.

Bruce Chandling: And.. and.. the dates these girls wanna go on, it’s like, are you serious? [Cut to Bruce Chandling] It’s always, “Oh, take me to dance club. I love to dance.” But it’s like, yo, face it Michael, guys do not dance!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What?

Bruce Chandling: Ay! The only move we know how to do is the slide… the bowl of chips closer to us and twist… open the chili cheese dip.

Michael Che: So this is what you wanted to say on TV?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Ay! Right on, daddio! You see, guys just make sense. With girls it’s always, “Oh, I wanna settle down. Let’s be in a relationship.” Then then when you finally say, “Okay, you’re my girlfriend”, then they go fool around with one of your closest friends? It’s like why can’t they be with just one guy?

[Bruce Chandling looking very sad.] [Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che. Michael Che is looking at Bruce Chandling very concerned.]

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, is everything okay?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: What’s the matter? Whenever you try to get a hold of a girl, she’s always “At soccer practice”.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Bruce Chandling: Or if it’s not that, she is too busy planning the senior prank.

Michael Che: Oh! Hold on, dude!

Bruce Chandling: It’s just a thing that all women do these days.

Michael Che: Ay, Bruce, it sounds like your girlfriend might be a high school.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: [laughing] No. [thinking for a long time] Oh, no. Ay, no, coz she looks like a… That makes sense. Guess I was meant to be alone. I mean that’s what I’m best at, right?

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: oh, come on Bruce! I’m sure that plenty of women out there that are your own age that would love to be with you.

[Cut to Bruce Chandling]

Bruce Chandling: Maybe right. Only problem is, I do not get… Women!

[Cut to Bruce Chandling and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Bruce Chandling, everybody!