Burris Star… Kenan Thompson
Judith Hussle… Aidy Bryant
Raylonna Two… Kate McKinnon
Burris Star: [singing] Stars are not made, they’re born
Stars are not made, they’re born
if you don’t have it, you ain’t gonna get it
you have to be born with what?
Hello. Thank you. I am Burris Star and this is Star Quality. The show where young hopefuls have a chance to bust through the hymen of the entertainment industry. I can say that because I used to be a vaginacologist. No, I know what you’re thinking. “Don’t you mean gynecologist?” No, I do not. A gynecologist is medical. A vaginacologist is more of a historian. Let’s bring out our first entertainers.
Judith Hussle: Hi, I’m Judigh Hussle.
Raylonna Two: And I’m Raylonna Two.
Judith Hussle: Today we are going to be performing a brief scene followed by an exhausting song.
Raylonna Two: This is about our mothers. They were not the same but they did share the same profession.
Burris Star: Yes. And who is this creepy doll?
Judith Hussle: It’s a vintage 28 inch doll.
Raylonna Two: This 28 inch vintage doll will be playing the part of our mother.
Burris Star: Well, Judith Hussle, Raylonna Two, show me you star quality.
Judith Hussle: Hush, mom. We know the truth. You’ve been lying to us. You say you’re doing double shifts at the factory.
Raylonna Two: Nobody wears a sparkle tops and goes panty-free under that jeans skirt to work at the nuclear plant.
Judith Hussle: [singing] Talking rooms and talking doorways
squeaking mattress, heels left on
crooked lipstick broken lashes
the wig falls off and then you’re done
Raylonna Two: Stranger kisses on your shirt type
naked trickers in the near
crumpled 20 on the night stand
you freak with males to get us food
Judith Hussle: Thank you, mama. You did what you had to to make everything work out for everyone involved.
Burris Star: Alright. Wow, you have done it. Thank you, ladies. We will let you know.
Judith Hussle: And how long with that take?
Burris Star: Um, do you know how long for never is?
Raylonna Two: Well, that’s unforeseeable.
Burris Star: Correct. Audience, this is why you should always have a plan B. For example, I can always fall back on vaginacology. Thank you, ladies. Alright, our next performers created a new music genre. It’s called fabo-rap. Welcome to the show, Hot Couture.
Bowen: Thank you for letting us but a rap here today.
Anya: We’re excited to be the next big thing.
Bowen: And me, I’m on the same level as her.
Burris Star: Glad to hear it.
Anya: Burris, I hope you’re ready. We’re about to go to the third base with your mind.
Bowen: Which means we’re going to blow it.
Burris Star: Fine. Show us your star quality.
Bowen: [rapping] Darling, has the best come yet?
Anya: Darling, has the best come by?
Bowen: Darling, doest he best stop here?
Anya: Darling, I need the best
Bowen: Darling, I need it west
Anya: Darling, to the setting sun
Bowen: Darling, I have an interview
Anya: Darling, at finance basement
Bowen: Darling, does the bus stop there?
Anya: Darling, leave who alone?
Bowen: Darling, leave you alone?
Anya: Darling, thanks for your time
Burris Star: Thank you, Hot Couture. You did the thing we agreed you would do.
Bowen: Thank you for that.
Anya: We love compliments.
Bowen: So, what happens next?
Anya: How do we do this?
Burris Star: Well, you take 10 to 12 steps towards the door that says ‘Exit’. And then push.
Anya: Are our contracts through there?
Burris Star: No. That’s the parking lot.
Bowen: Is that where we wait for our record deal?
Burris Star: Yes.
Anya: For how long, Burris?
Burris Star: For never.
Burris Star: Well, thank you for watching. We have to go now because air-time is expensive. I am Burris Star and this has been [singing] Star Quality.