Mikey Day
Jake Gyllenhaal
Bowen Yang
Cecily Strong
Kate McKinnon
[Starts with announcer on a stage]
Mikey: Hello everyone. We hope you’re enjoying the music and dinner. If anyone drove here in a blue Toyota Corolla, I just want to say I have the same car. So let’s talk. And now without further ado, our biggest act of the night, the singers for tonight is a special reunion. They haven’t performed together in five years. But we are so lucky that they are all back in town tonight. Please welcome the Singers Four.
[Singers Four walk in]
Jake: Hello, everybody. I see some beautiful waters and breads in the crowd.
Bowen: We are the Singers Four and we are so glad to be with you tonight.
Cecily: You know so many songs are dedicated to greatness. But we’ve lived long enough to know that not everyone can be great. Some of us are just walking around.
Kate: This song goes out to the folks in the middle, celebrating the little things.
Bowen: Because it’s what we’ve got, it’s all we want. And it’s actually a lot.
Kate: [singing] I don’t have taste, I don’t have class
Cecily: I’ve been Passover, I’ve been picked last.
Bowen: I’m not winning any medal
Jake: Not number one, two or three.
Cecily: Who the hell is counting?
Kate: But I’ve made my bed every day this month.
Cecily: I can parallel park under any condition.
Jake: When I pump inside of a lady stuff comes out.
All: And that’s my thing for me
Jake: Look, no one can climb Everest. But you know what I just did?
Cecily: Well, tell us Johnny.
Jake: I finished an entire chapstick without losing it.
Kate: I’ve never done that.
Jake: I know. And I think that means I’m a good dad.
Bowen: That’s exactly what it means.
Kate: I’m not a queen, I’m not the best
Cecily: Might not be special, might not be blessed.
Jake: If it’s graded on a curve, I’m the one getting Bs
Kate: That’s almost an A.
Bowen: But this morning, I woke up two minutes before my alarm.
Cecily: I used to smoke but then I stopped.
Jake: My email inbox has zero email
All: And that’s my thing for me
Jake: So tell me, what are we all hanging our hats on these days?
Kate: Well, I’ll never win the Nobel Prize. But I can say that I met Eric Nies.
Cecily: Wow. And who is that?
Kate: He was in the original cast to the Real World.
Cecily: Well, that’s terrific. You know, one thing that I like to tell people about me is that I’m not the best at sex.
Bowen: Okay, tell me more.
Cecily: Well, it’s not gonna be anything new. But I guarantee one thing, you’re not going to feel scared or upset.
Bowen: That’s the point.
Jake: You go girl.
Bowen: My grandmother says I’m classically handsome.
Kate: I grew out of a peanut allergy.
Cecily: I don’t know why, but I never got COVID
Bowen: And I hated Hamilton before it was cool.
Jake: Once a year, I call off of work,
I pretend I’m sick and I go to the movies,
then I go home and my wife says “How was work”
and I say good and nobody knows
All: And that’s my thing for me
Kate: Come on. Every dinner, it can’t be steak. Sometimes it’s all wet pasta in a Tupperware. Grow up.
Cecily: Every night can’t be the best night of your life. It’d be exhausting. You’d end up in a hospital.
Jake: Gold isn’t the only metal? What is gold do? Sparkle? Who cares? You know what does a– what– what– what– What tin does? It preserves tomatoes forever.
Bowen: And fine. We don’t have Grammy’s. But we have Grammys of weed. Which is what I call it when I don’t have that much weed left.
Kate: I do not read, I do not floss
Cecily: The world that saw me and said get lost
Jake: I don’t have any trophies but I have a TV
Cecily: He can watch whatever he wants.
Kate: Some people are faster, some people are hotter
but I put lemon in my water
Bowen: Sure, I’m not regal, sure I’m not rich
but when I cook chicken it’s never dry, bitch!
Jake: I don’t have money, I don’t have power
but every time I use it I clean one part of the shower
Cecily: Sure, I don’t write poems that transcend
but I have a son and he has a friend
All: And that’s enough for me