911 Call

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Alan… Simu Liu

Helen… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[phone ringing]

Ego: 911. What’s your emergency?

Mikey: Oh, yes. Hi. I think I might be dead.

Ego: You think you’re dead? Sir?

Mikey: Yes. I’m at a Friendsgiving party and I smoked some marijuana. And I ODed. And now I’m dying or I believe myself to be dead. So, can you send the hospital to here please?

Ego: Okay, sir. You cannot OD on marijuana.

Mikey: No, but I did because when I breathe, the air goes down into my stomach like food, not like breathing air. So, I believe I’m dying. Will I be like this forever, ma’am.

Cecily: Jesus Christ, Arthur. Who did you call? Hello.

Ego: Hello ma’am. This is 911 Emergency Services.

Cecily: Oh! I am so sorry, miss. Myself and some other professors from Crembly college are having a little get together. And we smoked a joint one of my grad students gave me.

Mikey: You tell her I’m dead?

Cecily: We’re fine. Just some nerdy lit professors who can’t handle their weed. Okay, goodnight huh.

Ego: Good night, ma’am. [phone ringing] 911, What’s your emergency?

Alan: Hello. My name is Alan and I am dead.

Ego: Now, sir, are you at the same Friendsgiving get together with the gentlemen who just called?

Alan: Oh, yes, yes. You must come here, but I’m not where time is. Will, you still be able to come here even though I’m not where time is.

Ego: Well, sir, I promise you you’re fine and you are where time is. Have you ever smoked marijuana before?

Alan: Yes. Once at Counting Crows concert in 1992.

Ego: Okay. So, the weed of today is much stronger. And that’s why you’re having this reaction.

Alan: Oh, are you mad at me?

Ego: No, sir. Is there someone who’s more mellow that I can speak to?

Alan: Oh, yes. Yes. My wife Helen’s right here.

Helen: Yes.

Ego: Is this Alan’s wife?

Helen: Well, I was but I’m dead now.

Ego: Great. Okay, you too.

Helen: Does everyone know we’re high? Do people know?

Ego: I do.

Helen: Oh my god. You guys. Everyone knows. [hangs up the phone]

Ego: Old people gotta stop smoking weed. [phone ringing] Hello, 911. What’s your emergency?

Alan: Yes. Are you still mad at me?

Ego: I never was sir.

Alan: Okay, well, could you please send the hospital to here please?

Ego: Sir, I’ve never done this in my 10 years as a 911 operator, but I’m hanging up on you. Goodnight. [phone ringing] Yes.

[Kenan is speaking from under the table]

Kenan: Yes. Hello, is this 911?

Ego: Yes, sir.

Kenan: Wonderful. Send every ambulance in the world to me, please.

Ego: Did you smoke marijuana at this friendsgiving too?

Kenan: Yes. And my head feels tight on my head. But if I remove it, my ideas and memories will escape. I need help with this. Come now. Thank you. Goodbye.

Ego: Grown adults taking up my damn time. [phone ringing] 911. What’s your emergency?

Cecily: Hi, sweetie.

Ego: Let me guess. You’re dead. I can’t keep taking these calls from you all. There are real emergency we need to deal with.

Cecily: Well, I got one for you. I put a book in the oven instead of a turkey. And now my kitchens on fire. Classic stoner move.

Last Call with Amy Schumer

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Sue… Amy Schumer

Sheila Sauvage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Bartender asking his customers for their last orders.]

Bartender: Alright, last call ladies. You scared off all my male customers. So, it’s time to go home or try something new.

Sue: Mama always said, a mouth’s a mouth. Bartender, give me one more Slow Fin Gizz. That’s granity in a caviar.

Sheila: And I’ll take Monstat 7 and 7. I got places to be. [bangs the table] Ou!

Bartender: Alright. Well, just drink them and go. My children are unattended.

[Bartender serves them the drinks]

[Sue and Sheila look at each other]

Sue: Oh!

Sheila: [raising her glass] Hey!

Sue: I thought the Kentucky Derby was last week. But looks like there’s one little nag still limping around the track.

Sheila: Why don’t you mount me and ride me in a victory before they turn me in the glue?

[Bartender spits out food that he’s eating]

[to Sue] Ay, you mind if I move my poof a little closer? I’m sitting here on what I’m choosing to believe is dumb.

Sue: Sure. Let me just move my stool.

[Sue pulls away a cup of her stool sample and gives it to Bartender. Bartender is disgusted.]

There. I’m ready.

[Sheila sits closer to Sue]

Sheila: Alright.

Sue: Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? And can I assume you landed on your face?

Sheila: Oh, good one. Hey, was your mother a beaver? Coz, damn, you got a flat tail, furry face and smell like a lake.

Bartender: The crazy thing is I used to fantasize about something like this.

Sheila: My name’s Sheila Sauvage. You can remember that coz if you mix up all the letters, it’s spells ‘hole ass vag.’ What about you? What are they gonna write on your tombstone?

Sue: Other than RIP? Rancid in pants. I love the name Sue Seil. Which is weird because seal sued me for having to a look at my face.

Sheila: [bangs the table] Get out.

Sue: Yeah.

Sheila: Get out. Coz I saw seal at a club. Excuse me. I clubbed a seal with a saw. Yeah. Yeah. It didn’t work. He lived. But either way, I’m not welcome at any beach.

Bartender: Alexa, what do I do?

Alexa: Kill yourself.

[Sheila puts her hand on Sue’s shoulders]

Sheila: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you, I was like, “God, no!” And now I’m like, “God might as well. I can’t find my keys.”

Sue: And when I saw you earlier, I was like, “Should I do something? But then you got up off the floor and you seemed okay.”

Sheila: God, this is crazy. I can’t– Something’s happening here.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

Sheila: What do you say we go back to my place and make out?… A living will.

Sue: Heck! Let’s just do doggie style. That’s when I run away and you walk through the neighborhood screaming my name.

Sheila: Ooh!

[Bartender is wearing muffler, glasses and is holding a magic wand like harry Potter.]

Bartender: Expelio-lesbiosos!

Sheila: Alright, let’s do this.

Sue: Yeah.

[they both lean to kiss]

Sheila: Wait a minute. Wait. Better safe than sorry.

Sue: Oh, yeah.

[Sheila puts sanitizer in both their mouths.]

Sue and Sheila: Ready?

[Sue and Sheila kiss each other.]

[Bartender is putting sanitizer in his eyes.]

Sue: Yikes! That was unrousing.

Sheila: Wow, yeah. I just pitched a cave. Here’s what. Since our poots are dry as bone, why don’t we get some moisture on our faces with these? And now, that way, we won’t have to look at each other’s rosacea.

[They both put beauty face masks on.]

This should be good.

Sue: One. Two. Three. Let’s hit.

[They start kissing again.]

Bartender: Well then, for me I guess there’s only one option left. Good thing I hid this thing from the Nazis.

[Bartender opens a box. Smoke is coming out of it. Bartender puts his face in the smoke. The smoke melts his face.]