Tag: Calls

Weekend Update- Rupert Murdoch Calls Off Engagement, Pope Francis Praises Sex

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a boy.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that the average child throws a tantrum four times a week, weeknights on Fox.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rupert Murdoch and Anne Leslie Smith.]

Michael Che: Rupert Murdoch’s engagement to Anne Leslie Smith has been called off apparently. She got cold feet after Murdoch passed his physical.

[Picture changes to Pope Francis]

In a new documentary, Pope Francis praises the virtues of sex calling it one of the beautiful things that God has given to the human person. Not the way I do it. Am I right, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Woman goes on 34 dates in 20 countries”.]

Colin Jost: No. I hope not. I don’t know. A woman has been traveling the world since she’s gone on 34 first dates in nearly 20 countries. Her secret? She’s being sex trafficked.

A new app called “Greether” is designed to help women travel alone safely by providing people to greet them when they arrive at airports or hotels. And it’s being used for murder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “YouTube pranker shot”.]

Michael Che: A Virginia man who pranks people for YouTube videos was shot while tricking someone in a mall. Good.

[Picture changes to a Vogue magazine]

A 106 year old woman in the Philippines has become the oldest Vogue cover model ever beating the previous record of 29.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guy with Hitler mustache.]

Michael Che: A Jeopardy contestant this week was forced to quit social media after people said his mustache looks like Hitler’s. The contestant said he’s so mad, he’s had it up to here. [raising his hand like Hitler salute] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of astronauts. Three are white and one is black.]

Michael Che: NASA has named the four astronauts it will send on the Artemis II mission to the moon, and if things go wrong, I think I know who’s dying first. [Audience awwing] What? He could do the Hitler salute?

Weekend Update Russias Fake News Law DeSantis Calls Disney a Woke Corporation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

This week marks two years since the beginning of the first COVID lockdown. And let’s just say some people have handled the stress better than others. [picture changes to Vladimir Putin] Russia has passed a fake news law that makes it illegal for any organization to report information that contradicts what the government says, which explains the recent headline – 6’5″ Putin not insane.

President Biden downplay the possibility of US military intervention saying we will not fight the third world war in Ukraine. And I understand, but it’s hard to stand by and watch Putin bombing things like schools, or maternity ward, and I’m just going to assume puppy daycare centers. The situation is so upsetting that I’ve honestly thought about marching down to the nearest army enlistment office and signing Che up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a list of gas price at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the US ban on Russian oil gas prices hit a record high of $4.30 a gallon which is so expensive that America, we might have to move back in with our ex. [Picture changes to map of Iraq.] Come on, Iraq, you know we never stopped loving you baby.

Russia has responded to sanctions by banning the export of Russian made cars, but a Russian made car was just a drunk bear on rollerskates.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin and Starbucks logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Starbucks has responded to the invasion of Ukraine by shutting down its locations in Russia in hopes of sending a message to President [picture changes to a Starbucks cup with wrong name written on it] Vanderpump Rintin.

[Picture changes to McDonald’s outlet]

After McDonald’s announced they would stop doing business in their country, Russians have begun hoarding their sandwiches, including some honorary Russians. [Picture changes to Donald Trump in a room full of sandwiches] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a news article that says “Bill to make lynching federal hate crime” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Congress passed a bill that makes lynching a federal hate crime punishable by up to 30 years in prison. And they’re not messing around. You can get 150 days for just making one up. [Picture changes to an article saying “Jussie Smollett sentenced to 150 days in jail.] [Picture changes to Disney logo]

Disney employees were upset that the company took so long to condemn Florida’s proposed ‘Don’t say gay’ bill, although at Disney, they actually don’t say gay. They say Timon and Pumbaa.

[Picture changes to Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen here waving COVID into the club, he attacked Disney for hosing the state’s ‘Don’t say gay’ bill calling the company a woke Corporation. Disney denied the claims of wokeness with roughly 90 years of cartoons.

Weekend Update- Biden Calls for Gun Control

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Biden falling on stairs at left top corner.]

This week kind of felt like Biden on those stairs. You thought it had to get better then it repeatedly got worse. In the wake of the Colorado and Atlanta shootings, President Biden called for universal background checks for gun purchases and background checks are great start. But shouldn’t we also do current checks? Like, what are these guys are up to now? How much Call of Duty are they playing? Have they recently DM’ed a girl “Hey” 30 times? Or how about this? If you want a gun, the gun store has to talk to at least five people from your life who agree it’s a good idea for you to have a gun? It’s really not that much to ask. You got to list three references on an application to work at Foot locker. And republicans, please stop pretending this is a second amendment issue and just admit you love guns more than people you don’t know. I mean, these are your political ads. Look at them. You look like you’re running for president of ISIS. If you actually cared about the second amendment, you’d also care about the well-regulated militias part, and I don’t know if you noticed when they almost hung you two months ago, but our militias aren’t super well regulated.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just bought a gun last summer when all those white kids started talking about getting rid of the police. [laughing] President Biden gave his first press conference which lasted over an hour. Wow, shout out to Fixoent. [picture changes to Fixodent toothpaste.] At the conference, president Biden was asked if he plans to run for reelection at 2024 which is probably the nicest way to ask him if he plans on being alive in three years.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at a podium at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Pictures appear online of president Biden reference detailed cheat sheets during his press conference and we actually have an exclusive look at one of them. [picture changes to a paper where it’s written “You = Joe Biden”] I gotta say, it’s easy to make fun of Biden’s cheat sheets but they worry me a lot less than Trump’s cheat sheets. Do you remember those? There were some real one. “Missile launched from N. Korea – will take care of it.” Next one. [picture changes to a paper where it’s writte “Alcaida”] Alqaeda written as Cicada. And of course this classic, “I want nothing, I want nothing, I want no quid-pro-quo.” Which I think were rap lyrics from the “Legally Blonde” musical.

After Biden’s first press conference, conservatives keep saying that he media is spinning everything to make Biden look good. But I think that’s ridiculous. And I would just like to congratulate Biden on how well he did the worm down those stairs.

[cut to video of Joe Biden walking up the stairs and falling] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of democrats at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Some democrats are demanding the senate put an end to filibuster rule which some call a Jim Crow Relic. Also a Jim Crow Relic, some senators.

[picture changes to map of Virginia]

Virginia has become the first state in the south to abolish the death penalty. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some white women to whistle at.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Mitch McConnell seen here authorizing the vet to put his kids dog to sleep, he said that he’s open to the discussion of the gun control laws but what he’s not attracted to is something that doesn’t work. And you know he’s attracted to something because his neck pouch will inflate.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mark Zuckerberg an Instagram logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a congressional hearing, Mark Zuckerberg confirmed that he was creating an Instagram for kids. Wow! An app filled with pictures of just kids? What could possibly go wrong?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During an interview on Fox News, Donald Trump lied about January 6 capitol riot saying that supporters were not attacking officers but were instead hugging and kissing police. But I’m not surprised that Donald Trump can’t tell the difference between kissing and assault.