[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Biden falling on stairs at left top corner.]
This week kind of felt like Biden on those stairs. You thought it had to get better then it repeatedly got worse. In the wake of the Colorado and Atlanta shootings, President Biden called for universal background checks for gun purchases and background checks are great start. But shouldn’t we also do current checks? Like, what are these guys are up to now? How much Call of Duty are they playing? Have they recently DM’ed a girl “Hey” 30 times? Or how about this? If you want a gun, the gun store has to talk to at least five people from your life who agree it’s a good idea for you to have a gun? It’s really not that much to ask. You got to list three references on an application to work at Foot locker. And republicans, please stop pretending this is a second amendment issue and just admit you love guns more than people you don’t know. I mean, these are your political ads. Look at them. You look like you’re running for president of ISIS. If you actually cared about the second amendment, you’d also care about the well-regulated militias part, and I don’t know if you noticed when they almost hung you two months ago, but our militias aren’t super well regulated.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]
Michael Che: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just bought a gun last summer when all those white kids started talking about getting rid of the police. [laughing] President Biden gave his first press conference which lasted over an hour. Wow, shout out to Fixoent. [picture changes to Fixodent toothpaste.] At the conference, president Biden was asked if he plans to run for reelection at 2024 which is probably the nicest way to ask him if he plans on being alive in three years.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at a podium at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Pictures appear online of president Biden reference detailed cheat sheets during his press conference and we actually have an exclusive look at one of them. [picture changes to a paper where it’s written “You = Joe Biden”] I gotta say, it’s easy to make fun of Biden’s cheat sheets but they worry me a lot less than Trump’s cheat sheets. Do you remember those? There were some real one. “Missile launched from N. Korea – will take care of it.” Next one. [picture changes to a paper where it’s writte “Alcaida”] Alqaeda written as Cicada. And of course this classic, “I want nothing, I want nothing, I want no quid-pro-quo.” Which I think were rap lyrics from the “Legally Blonde” musical.
After Biden’s first press conference, conservatives keep saying that he media is spinning everything to make Biden look good. But I think that’s ridiculous. And I would just like to congratulate Biden on how well he did the worm down those stairs.
[cut to video of Joe Biden walking up the stairs and falling]
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of democrats at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Some democrats are demanding the senate put an end to filibuster rule which some call a Jim Crow Relic. Also a Jim Crow Relic, some senators.
[picture changes to map of Virginia]
Virginia has become the first state in the south to abolish the death penalty. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some white women to whistle at.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Mitch McConnell seen here authorizing the vet to put his kids dog to sleep, he said that he’s open to the discussion of the gun control laws but what he’s not attracted to is something that doesn’t work. And you know he’s attracted to something because his neck pouch will inflate.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mark Zuckerberg an Instagram logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: During a congressional hearing, Mark Zuckerberg confirmed that he was creating an Instagram for kids. Wow! An app filled with pictures of just kids? What could possibly go wrong?
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: During an interview on Fox News, Donald Trump lied about January 6 capitol riot saying that supporters were not attacking officers but were instead hugging and kissing police. But I’m not surprised that Donald Trump can’t tell the difference between kissing and assault.