The fight

Crystal Patrick… Kyle Mooney

Andy Rydell… Beck Bennett

Mrs. Freeman… Cameron Diaz

[Starts with Crystal Patrick]

Crystal Patrick: YWhat’s up everybody? I’m Crystal Patrick. As you know, Andy Rydell’s been messing with me since the 9th grade. But now he’s about to enter an unsafe zone. Coz I’m gonna take matters in my own hands. And we’ll see if he can handle it. Coz it’s the hands of rocket’s cradle. I’m gonna fight him.

[Cut to I’m going to fight Andy Rydell intro]

Andy Rydell is 17. He wears name brand circus clothes. His younger brother Jordan is nicer and plays piano. Last year Andy told everyone to start calling me ‘Milkman’ and that I drank out of the same bown as my German Shepherd, Sammy. I want to open up my own restaurant where they actually have good-ass posters on the wall like 50’s gangsters.

[Cut to Crystal Patrick walking in the corridor]

What up, Andy? Let’s do this, bitch.

[Crystal Patrick reaches to Andy Rydell. Andy Rydell turns around.]

Andy Rydell: What the hell you talking about?

Crystal Patrick: So you talking crap, think you’re better than me. You’re not better than me. You’re just [looking at the camera] I love America, toy soldier, being controlled by the mainstream.

Andy Rydell: [bleep], huh?

Crystal Patrick: You heard me, let’s go.

Andy Rydell: Oh, you wanna go?

Crystal Patrick: Yeah, bitch!

Andy Rydell: Alright, come on let’s go then.

Crystal Patrick: I’m going right now.

Andy Rydell: I don’t see it, man.

Crystal Patrick: You ready?

Andy Rydell: Come on, bring it.

Crystal Patrick: You ready?

[The video pauses and Crystal Patrick is narrating]

Narration: What you can’t see here is how scared Andy was. He kept whispering: “Please don’t embarrass me in front of the entire school. I’m just a pawn of conformity and you listen to the best music.”

[Cut to the video. Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell are punching in the air and not hitting each other at all.]

Crystal Patrick: Oh yeah!

Andy Rydell: Yeah, dude?

Crystal Patrick: You came to play, huh? You came to play!

[They start punching in the air again.]

You like that? Hey! I can’t breathe. Hang on. [bleep]

Andy Rydell: What the hell?

Crystal Patrick: Hang on! I can’t breathe.

Andy Rydell: What the hell you talking about? You can’t– you’re just scared dude.

Crystal Patrick: My heart problem.

Andy Rydell: You’re just scared, dude!

Crystal Patrick: I got heart problem.

Narration: My family has a history of heart problems. I don’t know that cuz of mommy and daddy though, I don’t even talk to them. I know that cuz my grandparents.

Crystal Patrick: Can’t breathe right now.

[Crystal Patrick suddenly jumps and tries to kick Andy Rydell] [Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell are wrestling on the floor.] [Mrs. Freeman walks in]

Mrs. Freeman: Go back to class, right now. Everybody. Boys! In my office, right now.

[Cut to Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell in Mrs. Freeman’s office. Andy Rydell is crying.]

Narration: Mrs. Freeman came down on us pretty hard. I felt bad for Andy here. He clearly has been brainwashed by corporate drones.

[Cut to Crystal Patrick and Andy Rydell hugging. They are crying.]

Crystal Patrick: We should do pill sometime together.

Andy Rydell: Yeah.

[school bell rings] [Cut to Crystal Patrick smoking in the men’s room. There’s someone using the urinal.]

Crystal Patrick: There you have it. I kicked Andy Rydell’s ass and made him cry like a little bitch. [To the person using the urinal.] What are you looking at?

Poetry Class with Cameron Diaz

Mrs. Medez… Venessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Tamra Lake… Cameron Diaz

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with students and a substitute teacher in class]

Mrs. Medez: Hello everyone. I am your substitute teacher, Mrs. Medez, okay?

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

School, huh? Let me ask you something. What do you think of when you think of writing poetry? Huh? Lame? Outdated? Studying? Well guess what? Poetry can be pretty cool. Oh! Okay, you know who some of my favorite poets are? I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of them. Taylor Swift, okay. Kanye West, I must say. Eminems, okay.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: It’s Eminem.

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

Mrs. Medez: I love it, you’re listening. Okay. Now, the point is you can all be poets. Okay? So, your usual teacher asked you to write a poem about something you’re thankful for. And I wrote a thanksgiving poem myself. [Mrs. Medez slowly opens her note] Here it goes.

Turkey dinner, warm, pleasing, pungent
sour cranberry sauce,
sweet yams with sticky marshmallows
savory stuffing and spiced cider
notes of rosemary and cinnamon dance inside my nose
family and friends come together to share laughter,
and of course pumpkin pie

Oh! Okay, now. Who else has a poem about something they’re thankful for?

[Cut to the class]

Aidy: I do.

Mrs. Medez: Okay, great. Come on up.

[Cut to Aidy and Mrs. Medez]

Aidy: Okay. Um, I’m thankful for my stepdad Ron and my poem is called Ron rules.

Mrs. Medez: Great, okay.

Aidy: Ron is hilarious
he wears a t-shirt that looks like a tuxedo
Oh-oh! He fancy!
When we go to Burger King, he says, “I’ll have a whopper, medium, rare”
everybody laughs  and goes crazy
thanks Ron, for being dope

Mrs. Medez: Okay. That was wonderful.

[Cut to the class]

Thank you so much. Does anybody else has a poem?

Kenan: I can do one.

[Kenan walks to the front of the class]

Mrs. Medez: Oh, okay, great. Come on up. Okay.

[Cut to Kenan and Mrs. Medez]

Kenan: Ay, what’s up, y’all? Um, I’m thankful for the show F.R.I.E.N.D.S., so here we go.

Turn of TVs
Oh, snap! F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is on
Ross is a little bitch, but he made me laugh though
Chandler be telling jokes about when Monica was heavy
he don’t give a damn
Joey is a player
he always be asking girls how they doin
Rachael and Monica be hot as hell
but I’d take Phoebe coz she quirky
and I’m a freak

Mrs. Medez: Okay, okay. Thank you, so much. Wow. [Cut to the class] You know, [Cut to Mrs. Medez] I feel like I really know that show now. Okay, great. Okay, guys, I have a special treat, okay? I brought  friend of mine who performs regularly at Wind Catcher Wednesdays, the poetry I hosted at Calypso Coffee down in Franklin street. Okay? Now, please give your snaps to Tamra Lake.

[Tamra Lake walks in. He has dreadlocks.]

Tamra Lake: Hello. Hello.

Mrs. Medez: Now, I asked Tamra to share a poem about something that she’s thankful for. Okay?

Tamra Lake: And I did. This one is called UPS man.

Short sleeves, short shorts, leaves me short of breath
cinnamon skin and a mustache thick as sin
why must you go out when I only want you in
Mr. UPS man, 

[Cut to the students liking it] [Cut back to Mrs. Medez and Tamra Lake]

each day, you bring goods to those who are waiting
but there is only one package, you’ve got me craving
and it is your’s
Mr. UPS man
Your truck has no doors, but I am open wide
so drive into my tunnel and explore inside
Mr. UPS man

Mrs. Medez: Oh! Okay. Okay. Oh! Okay. Okay.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Did that lady swallow a bicorn?

[Cut to Mrs. Medez]

Mrs. Medez: Um, you know what? Maybe we should stop our poetry unit for today, okay?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: No! No, no, no! This is awesome! Do one about the FedEx guy.

[Cut to Mrs. Medez and Tamra Lake]

Mrs. Medez: Okay, I think that’s all for today. Okay?

[Students chanting “FedEx, FedEx”]

Office Boss with Cameron Diaz

Mitchell… Kenan Thompson

Nancy, Mrs. Patterson… Cameron Diaz

Kendra… Sasheer Zamata

Richard, Mr. Patterson… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of a big house]

Mitchell: Well, thank you so much for having me and my wife over, Mrs. Patterson.

[Cut to Mitchell, Nancy and Kendra at the dining hall]

Nancy: Of course. Anything for my husband’s new CFO.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: Oh! Well, he hasn’t given me the promotion just yet.

Kendra: Oh, honey, he will. Where is Mr. Patterson anyway? I’m excited to meet him.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Well, he’s just finishing up some work upstairs. Now, Kendra, there’s three things that you should know about my husband. He’s the most brilliant man that I have ever met. His stories can be a little dry though. And he has the body of a baby.

[Cut to Mitchell, Nancy and Kendra]

Kendra: What’s the third one?

[Cut to Richard sitting on the stairs, moving around his legs.]

Richard: Oh, hi there. Hope everyone brought their appetites.

[Cut to everybody]

Nancy: There is the man at the hour.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Be down in just a sec.

[Richard slides down.]

Oopsie daisy! Mitchell, so glad you could finally come over for dinner. Those last quarter of numbers are definitely a cause for celebration.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: Honey, what am I looking at?

Mitchell: You’re looking at the man who’s gonna make me CFO.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Come join us at the table sweetheart.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Yes, ma’am.

[Richard stands up like a baby. He cannot balance on his feet properly.]

Boss man walking.

[He walks like a baby to the table]

Oh! Nancy brought out the good China. [Richard grabs the place in front of him] This was a gift from Warren Buffett.

[Richard starts shaking the plate here and there like a baby then bites the plate.] [Cut to everybody. Richard passes the plate to Mitchell]

Mitchell: Oh! Thank you.

[Mitchell bites the plate too.] [Cut to Richard]

Richard: Uh, Mitchell, why are you sucking my plate?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: I do not have an answer.

Kendra: So, Nancy, how long have you two been married?

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Well, it will be 10 years in October. Mitchell, has Richard ever told you the story of our engagement?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: He hasn’t.

Kendra: I actually have a lot of questions about your relationship.

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Well, Richard and I, we’re in Greece and I just knew he was going to propose.

[Richard starts putting his hand on Nancy’s face] [Nancy kisses Richard’s hands.]

So, we’re on this beautiful boat cruise. The sun is setting.

[Richard is putting his hand on Nancy’s face again. Nancy blows on Richard’s hand.]

Everything is perfect and he eats the ring.

Richard: I did, I ate it.

Nancy: The next day, I found it on his diapy and I said, “Yes.” Shall we eat?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: Sure, that story made me really hungry.

[Cut to everybody taking their seats.]

Nancy: Go ahead, everybody. Take a seat.

Mitchell: Oh, I’m sorry. It looks like we need one more chair.

[Cut to Richard on a baby walker.]

Richard: No, got my own.

[Richard walks forward on baby walker.]

So, Mitchell, how are we looking for next quarter?

Nancy: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no! No work at the table. In fact, Richard and I have a bit of an announcement to make.

Richard: That’s right. We’re having a baby.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra. They are shocked.]

Kendra: Oh, wow.

Mitchell: For real?

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: I’m excited but nervous. You know, I don’t know anything about being a mom.

[Nancy feeds Richard like she’s feeding a baby making different noises.]

Pup-pup-pup. Yum-yum-yum-yum.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra. They are shocked.] [Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Yum-yum-yum-yum. Who’s the good boy? There you go.

Richard: Well, I’m not worried. You’re gonna be a great mother.

Nancy: Aw!

Richard: Come here, you.

[Nancy leans forward for a kiss, but Richard blows on her mouth.] [Cut to Mitchell and Kendra.]

Mitchell: Could we maybe just do a little toast here? Congratulations.

[Cut to everybody. They all raise their glasses.]

Everybody: A toast.

Richard: Oh! Look at that. [Cut to Nancy and Richard] A lemon. I’ve been meaning to try one of these.

[Richard takes the lemon on his glass and puts it in his mouth, then spits it out.]

Hmm, it’s good. It’s tart.

Nancy: It seems like you don’t like it sweety.

[Cut to Richard. He eats the lemon again and makes funny faces.]

Richard: No, I do. It’s just– It’s strong. Well, you two should probably head out. I’m tired-tired and I wanna go night-night.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: It’s 7:15.

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: I know. That’s very late for him. Okay, Richard, let’s say goodnight. [Nancy stands up] High five, come on.

[Mitchell walks to Richard giving him a palm to high-five on]

Mitchell: High-five, buddy.

Nancy: High-five. He usually does it. It’s so weird. High-five honey. Come on.

[Richard high-fives Mitchell’s palm like a baby]

Mitchell: Yay!

[Kendra walks in with her palm for Richard to high-five on]

Nancy: You too, Kendra. High-five, honey.

[Richard high-fives Kendra’s palm like a baby]

Nancy: Yay!

[Cut to everybody]

Richard: Wow, that was great. Oh, and Mitchell, I’ll see you on Monday, CFO.

Mitchell: Thank you, baby boss.

[Mitchell and Kendra runs out] [Cut to Nancy and Richard. Richard is moving his hand everywhere and he touches Nancy’s back]

Nancy: Ooh! Wow! Well, well, look who’s feeling frisky.

Richard: That’s right. How about a bath?

Nancy: I’ll go fill up the kitchen sink.

[Richard is happy] [cheers and applause]

Night Murmurs

Aurora… Cecily Strong

Tawna… Cameron Diaz

Latouch… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a romantic music and Aurora sitting on a sofa in a night gown.]

Aurora: Hi, I’m Aurora. What are you doing right now? Are you all by yourself? Don’t be that.

[Cut to Tawna in a night gown.]

Tawna: Call the Night Murmurs chatline. I’m Tawna and I’m waiting to talk to you. I’m not even going to go to the bathroom until this phone rings. And I really need to go.

[Cut to Latouch in a night gown with a yellow telephone.]

Latouch: I’m Latouch. We’re real local girls who can’t wait to talk to guys like you. Guys who are strong, confident and out for anything.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: Us girls at Night Murmurs will do anything to make you happy. And maybe once you get to know us, you’d be open to doing, I don’t know, some pretty giant favors for us.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: What kind of favors?

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Well, I don’t know. Something secret and naughty. Like, maybe you can meet me in a parking lot and I can give you a mysterious package. But you have to promise never to open it. I just need you to hang on to it until things calm down a bit. And you do that for me? I know you can.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: Call now. I wanna tell you all my secrets. My biggest one right now is that I lost a bet. So, now I have to get video taped while someone throws a 20 pound turkey at my back. That was a bad bet to make. Who knows what I’ll do next? Call me.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: I wanna guy who is spontaneous on dates and great at listening to instructions like, can you scare my grandma so bad that she runs away from a trailer that I wanna own? I’d love that. She definitely doesn’t appreciate that trailer as much as I would. Call now. And I’ll give you this clown mask. She hates clowns, even though she’s the number one clown. It will make her run. So, call. I wanna talk to you one to one.

[Cut to Tawna with a pink telephone]

Tawna: Girls are standing by to talk to you. Oh, yes. P.S. another thing about that package, as soon as you get it home it’s gotta go into the fridge. Call me.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: Oh, hey! Do you think I’ll fall down when that frozen turkey hits me in the back? I hope so. Because they say, if it doesn’t look like it’s a hard enough hit, they get to throw another one at me. Call now.

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Oh, yes. And on that package, it looks like it says ‘danger’, it really says ‘Dan gier’. Mr. Dan Gier owns the package. Isn’t that wild? Call me.

[Cut to Aurora]

Aurora: And don’t be sad about my grandmother. She’s way too full of herself. She used to be a real model and lets me know about it every day. She calls me a night time phone slut. So, let’s chat bout how we can safely remove my slop grandmother from her trailer forever.

[Cut to Latouch]

Latouch: I need to remember not to make bets. I get real cocky about being a Pepsi person, but when it comes down to it, I can’t tell the difference from Coke. I don’t know why I keep betting that I can. So, call me and lets talk.

[Cut to Tawna]

Tawna: Call us at Night Murmurs. You must be over 18 and under 6 inches. Bye!

[cheers and applause]

New Annie

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

White Annie… Venessa Bayer

Aidy Bryant

Ms. Hannigan… Cameron Diaz

Daddy Warbucks… Jamie Foxx

Black Annie… Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with HBO First Look intro]

Male voice: And now, HBO First Look presents an exclusive clip from the all new Annie. Starring Cameron Diaz and Jamie Foxx.

[Cut to the movie clip. Cecily, Kate, White Annie and Aidy are cleaning a room and singing]

Everybody: It’s a hard knock life for us
It’s a hard knock life for us
instead of treated, we get tricked
they won’t buy us iPhone 6
that’s a modern twist.

[Ms. Hannigan walks in]

Ms. Hannigan: Hey, what is going on in here?

Everybody: Sorry Ms. Hannigan.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan]

Ms. Hannigan: What did I tell you girls about singing while you clean up.

[Cut to the girls]

Kate: That it won’t bring our parents back.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan]

Ms. Hannigan: That’s right. Now this place needs to be spick and span for a special visitor.

[doorbell rings]

Now, is too late. Quick! How do my boobs look?

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy: Banging, Ms. Hannigan.

[Cut to everybody]

Ms. Hannigan: Coming! [Ms. Hannigan goes to open the door. The girls go away] [Daddy Warbucks enters the door]

Ms. Hannigan: Ooh! Hello!

Daddy Warbucks: Well, hello yourself. [cut to Daddy Warbucks] My name is Jamie Foxx. I mean Daddy Warbucks. And I’m here to meet that adorable little girl name Annie.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan and Daddy Warbucks. White Annie walks in]

White Annie: I’m right here, sir. Orphan Annie at your service.

Daddy Warbucks: No, no, no! I want the black Annie.

[Cut to White Annie]

White Annie: Oh, okay. Um, but I might get in trouble for this. [starts acting black] Yo, yo, yo! Wad up, playa?

[Cut to Daddy Warbucks]

Daddy Warbucks: No! Just please stop right now. I mean the all new black Annie. The one Ms. Hannigan sent me a photo of.

Black Annie: Alright, here I come.

[Cut to Black Annie walking in in a children outfit.]

What’s up? Annie in the house.

[Black Annie walks to Daddy Warbucks]

I was taking my pills and vitamins. You know, I gotta stay strong. You know what I’m saying?

Daddy Warbucks: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What the fazey? What the fizzle? I mean, who is this woman?

Black Annie: And who the hell is this sexy rich bastard?

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan, Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie]

Ms. Hannigan: Mr. Warbucks, this is Annie Shivau. We believe she is Haitian.

Black Annie: And I haven’t proved it yet, but I think my dad is Wyclef Jean. You know what I’m saying? And my mom is Bonnie Raitt.

Daddy Warbucks: How old are you?

Black Annie: 43 baby. But I can still go all night.

[Cut to Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie]

Daddy Warbucks: And you’re still an orphan?

Black Annie: Man, I’m everything. I’m an orphan. I’m a veteran. I did a half a season in the WNBA.

[White Annie comes in]

White Annie: Oh, black Annie, you’ve lived quite a life.

Black Annie: White Annie, I will slap you right now.

[White Annie leaves]

Daddy Warbucks: I’m a very rich man. And if I adopt you, I’m worried you might take my money.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan, Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie]

Ms. Hannigan: I promise Annie’s a very sweet girl.

Black Annie: Yeah! And I’m useful too.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan and Black Annie]

Ms. Hannigan: She’s great at making spreads for college football.
Black Annie: Damn straight!

Ms. Hannigan: She defended herself in court five times.

Black Annie: So, I’m basically a lawyer.

Ms. Hannigan: Oh! And she can palm a pumpkin.

[Cut to Ms. Hannigan, Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie. Daddy Warbucks holds a pumpkin with her one fist]

Black Annie: Coz I got some big ass hand.

[Cut to Daddy Warbucks and Black Annie

Daddy Warbucks: Well, I’m not sure you’re the little orphan girl I’m looking for, Annie. But I am in need of a security guard.

[Daddy Warbucks puts his hand out for a handshake.]

Black Annie: For real, Daddy Warbucks? You will not regret this.

[Daddy Warbucks hugs Black Annie]

Daddy Warbucks: Oh, my back! Easy!

Black Annie: The only thing is, I need my money up front and I don’t work weekdays and I got three kids that you’ll probably gonna have to adopt too.

[Cut to the girls]

Cecily: The sun will come out

Kate: Tomorrow

The girls: Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: There’ll be sun

Daddy Warbucks: [yelling] Ay! [Cut to Daddy Warbucks] Why are you all trying to steal my moment? This is not about you orphan bitches. This about black Annie.

[rock music playing] [Cut to everybody. Kenan walks in dancing and singing]

Kenan: Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!
Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!
Black Annie was in town, bam, bam
but not gonna be around, bam, bam
Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!
Oh! Black Annie! Damn! Damn!

Monologue Cameron Diaz on Shrek and Celebrity Sex Exceptions

Cameron Diaz

Brad Parsin… Kyle Mooney

Venessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Cameron Diaz.

[cheers and applause] [Cameron Diaz walks in and to the stage]

Cameron Diaz: Thank you. Thank you, thank you very much. My name is Cameron Diaz and I am so happy to be here hosting the thanksgiving show. [cheers and applause] It’s so exciting to be in Rockefeller center when they light up the big turkey. I’ve been so busy lately. I have a movie coming out. So, I’ve been doing so many interviews and press events. It’s just so nice to be here at SNL just having fun and not having to answer so many questions–

Brad Parsin: Excuse me. Excuse me. [Cut to Brad Parsin in the audience] I have a question. Brad Parsin, film student, new school. I just wanna say I thought gangs of New York was ground breaking both in style and subject matter. I guess my question is, I think you’re hot.

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: That’s not a question. And if you’re gonna ask questions, let’s just make them easy, okay guys?

Venessa: Oh, oh! I’ve got one. [Cut to Venessa in the audience] Was working in The Other Woman like so much fun?

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: It was.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Thank you. I knew it.

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: Okay, great. Well, if that’s all the interruptions then–

[Bobby Moynihan walks in]

Bobby Moynihan: Hey, Cameron.

Cameron Diaz: Oh, hey Bobby.

Bobby Moynihan: Hey. It was so much fun doing Annie with you.

Cameron Diaz: Bobby, were you in Annie?

Bobby Moynihan: Yeah! I had one line. Does this ring a bell? “If this guy keeps singing and dancing like this, he’s never gonna get elected.” Thank you.

Cameron Diaz: Is that line in the movie?

Bobby Moynihan: I don’t know. They did not invite me to the premiere.

[Bobby Moynihan turns around and leaves]

Cameron Diaz: Yes, you.

[Cut to Leslie in the audience]

Leslie: Um, is Shrek just as grumpy in real life?

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: Hmm, well, I mean, Shrek is cartoon.

[cut to Leslie being confused.]

Leslie: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: Yes, he is always in a bad mood. You know, he’s an ogre.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: I knew it.

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: Okay, one last question. Anybody?

[Cut to Beck in the audience]

Beck: Hi, Cameron. Are you familiar with the concept of celebrity sex exception? Because if you’re interested, my wife has already given us to go ahead.

[Aidy stands up]

Aidy: Yeah, mine was Tony Danza and let’s just say, box checked.

Beck: Well, that’s not important.

Aidy: Who’s the boss? He’s the boss.

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: Okay. Well, we’ve got a great show tonight. Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson are here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

High School Theater Show with Cameron Diaz

Aidy Bryant

Cameron Diaz

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

[Starts with a plaque of Woodbridge High School Theater Showcase.] [Cut to Aidy and Cameron]

Aidy: Welcome you guys to Woodbridge high school’s experimental theater showcase, written and directed by us, the students.

[Cut to the audience clapping] [Cut to Aidy and Cameron]

Cameron: We are so proud to share our work with you on this gorgeous Tuesday at 2 pm.

Aidy: So, please close your eyes and then open them to enjoy the collection of moments, whispers of America.

[music is playing and other people are coming to the stage. One of them lie on the table.]

We are gathered here today for the funeral of…

Everybody: Main street.

Kate: I’m glad he’s dead. I’m Walmart.

Cameron: Me too. I’m McDonald’s.

Kyle: Me three. I’m the Give Me Now Culture.

Aidy: May he rest in peace. In the name of Procter and Gamble, GE and the holy time warner cable.

Everybody: Amen.

[music is playing and they are setting up their stage. They all stand on the boxes.]

Aidy: I want to feel beautiful.

Beck: You are beautiful.

Cameron: You are beautiful.

Beck: You are beautiful.

[Everybody pointing at the people in audience]

Everybody: You are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are beautiful. You are…

Aidy: Smart.

[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.] [Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: Why are they moving those boxes around so much?

Venessa: I don’t know.

[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]

Kate: When you’re at Starbucks, do you even notice who’s around you? Or is your mind only on one thing?

Everybody: Coffee! Coffee! Cup! Cup!

Kate: Look up! See the people of America. A little girl.

Cameron: He-he-he-he! Mommy!

Kate: A barista.

Aidy: Shhhh! Latte, order up!

Kate: An old man on a wheelchair.

Taran: Heyyyyy! I’m sick.

Kate: So, next time you’re at Starbucks, why don’t order a double shot of compassion.

[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.] [Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: So, which one’s your daughter?

Venessa: I rather not say.

[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]

Kyle: Meanwhile, at any hospital in America.

Beck: Yes, yes, I think that will be fine.

Aidy: Excuse me, doctor.

Cameron: I’m the doctor! He’s the nurse.

Aidy, Cameron and Beck: Wow!

[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.] [Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: They moved all those boxes for that? That scene was like three words.

Venessa: You know, this is my first time seeing a play and I think I’m done.

[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.]

Cameron: I wrote a scene for this part of the show but it was …

Everybody: Censored.

Cameron: Because I couldn’t say the word…

Everybody: Censored.

Cameron: About the …

Everybody: Censored.

Cameron: So, I guess you’ll never hear because I was…

Everybody: Censored.

[music is playing and they are setting up their stage.] [Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: What? They built a pyramid out of those boxes and they didn’t even use it.

Venessa: I just hate that they think that they’re teaching us.

[Cut to the stage. They are all posing.] [Kyle is singing Battle Hymn of the Republic in the background]

Taran: Dear Margaret, I’ve decided not to come home from war. I’ve decided to fight so that one day our daughter’s daughter can spend all day on the internet.

Everybody: I pledge your allegiance to aware.

[music is playing and they are making a line.] [Music stops. They all bow.] [Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: Oh! Thank goodness, we’re free.

[Cut to the stage.]

Cameron: It’s not the first to seven intermissions.

Aidy: Please, stay seated because we will be walking around in character.

[Music is playing. The characters are now moving going to the audience.] [Cut to Kenan and Venessa in the audience]

Kenan: Why? Why?

Dr. Dave & Buggles

Dr. Dave… Kenan Thompson

Malissa Obright… Cameron Diaz

Terry… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with picture slideshow of Dr. Dave with a monkey] [Cut to Dr. Dave and Buggles’ Animal Hour video bumper] [Cut to Dr. Dave in jungle with a monkey in the cage.]

Dr. Dave: Welcome back to Dr. Dave and Buggles’ Animal Hour. Don’t know if you watched last week but this little guy ripped my dong and balls off and then threw them as hard as he could. So, I’m not super pumped about doing the show anymore. My interest in animals is 100% gone. They’re just dead eyed little monsters. But still got nine shows left on the contract. So, here I am sitting side by side with my former best friend, now least favorite guy on earth, how you doing you little dumbass?

[Cut to the monkey chewing gum.] [Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey]

Today we’ve got Malissa Obright from the San Diego Zoo with a lemur. So, let’s just muscle through this.

[Cut Malissa Obright walking in with a lemur.][ There is a guy on a ladder doing something.]

Malissa Obright: Hello, Dr. Dave.

Dr. Dave: Oh, hey. How you doing?

[There is a guy on a ladder doing something.]

Malissa Obright: Oh, what’s going on over there?

[Cut to Dr. Dave and Malissa Obright]

Dr. Dave: Oh, they’re just fixing the exit sign. So, tell me about your lemur here.

[Cut to Malissa Obright]

Malissa Obright: Well, lemurs like to eat fruits, flowers and tree bark. Although, Pepper here hasn’t eaten all of her dinner yet. So, well, he’s a little agitated.

[Cut to Dr. Dave and Malissa Obright]

Dr. Dave: Little agitated, huh? Well, I don’t now if you saw last week’s show, [Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey] but this guy ripped my wang clean off. And then whipped it up there against that exit sign, pounded that thing so hard it fell down.

[Cut to Malissa Obright]

Malissa Obright: At least he didn’t eat them.

[Cut to Dr. Dave]

Dr. Dave: Oh, I’m so sick of hearing that. [clapping] Wow! Yay! Awesome! So glad he just chucked them as hard as he could at an exit sign. How is it going Terry?

[Cut to Terry]

Terry: Oh! It’s great. I’m really reinforcing this, so it won’t fall down next time the nuts hit it.

[Cut to Dr. Dave]

Dr. Dave: It’s not gonna happen again.

[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]

Malissa Obright: Dave, are you okay?

Dr. Dave: Yes! I mean everything is reattached. All these stupid doctors were all high-fiving when I was on my way out like they did something miracle. I get home, and the thing falls right off. I shook it off my pants leg, and accidentally stepped on it. Had to go right back in there.

[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]

So, what’s the worst thing that this guy has ever done?

Malissa Obright: Oh! [Cut to Malissa Obright] Um, I’ve never been asked that question. I guess, sometimes, they can be a little rascal and steal each other’s fruit, you know?

[Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey.]

Dr. Dave: Oh, steal each other’s fruit. Okay, coz, this little dick weed cranked my junk off my body, took the time to wave them around in front of me, made me grab at them and miss, and then he just kicks back like Nolan Ryan, looking at me with that little grin, and I’m going, “Please don’t, man. Please don’t.” And he just fires away and blast the exit sign right out the ceiling.

[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]

Malissa Obright: That is awful. I mean, like, really shocking.

Dr. Dave: Oh! It’s fine. [Cut to Dr. Dave and the monkey] Apparently, our ratings have quadrupled. People just tuning in everyday to see if this guy’s gonna rip off my ding dong again.

[Cut to Malissa Obright]

Malissa Obright: Well, I bet they also wanna hear facts about lemurs. Did you know that lemurs sometime respond to music? Pepper here loves dancing to the band 5 seconds of summer. Isn’t that right, Pepper? You like them, don’t you? Yes, you do, sweet pepper.

[Cut to Dr. Dave. The monkey is not in the cage.]

Dr. Dave: Yes, sweet Pepper likes 5 seconds of summer, that’s nice. You know, ever since this little guy started listening to One Direction– [Dr. Dave looks at the empty cage] Oh, no! Okay, well, we’ll be right back.

[Cut to Malissa Obright and Dr. Dave]

Oh, man! That little guy could be anywhere. He’s so fast and strong. And he loves to rip off nuts. Oh, where did he go?

[Cut to Dr. Dave and Buggles’ Animal Hour video bumper]

Back Home Ballers

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

Leslie Jones

Cameron Diaz

[Starts with a van stopping in front of a house] [Cut to the license plate, “New York GRGIRLS”] [The door of the van opens, and the music video starts.]

Aidy: Your girls are back.

[Girls are coming out of the van one by one]

Kate: Kate

Cecily: Cecily

Sasheer: Sasheer

Vanessa: Vanessa

Leslie: Leslie

Cameron Diaz: Cameron

Aidy: And your Lil’ Baby Aidy

Kate: We’re home for thanksgiving y’all.

Cecily: And our parents are real happy to see us.

Vanessa: So, they’re gonna treat us like queens.

Aidy: This may be their house

Cameron Diaz: But for the next four days, we ’bout to run this bitch.

[drums rolling and music starts]

Kate: [rapping] Walk in the door hand my bag to the ballet
in case you’re wondering, it’s my daddy
head straight to the fridge like a boss yo’

[The fridge is full of groceries]

Hell yeah! My mom went to Cosco

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: [rapping] It ain’t my house but I’ll tear it up
get a plate real dirty, won’t clean it up
then I run to the washer laundry, game unlock
gonna do a whole lot for just one sock

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
If I want something, I just holla’
I do what I want and I get what I want
coz my parents miss their daughter

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: [rapping] This whole damn house is a shrine to me
coz everybody here is obsessed with me.
my second grade’s drawings are framed like Picasso
If I say, “Mom, tacos”, my mom will make tacos

[Cut to Cameron Diaz]

Cameron Diaz: [rapping] We always see a movie but it can’t be us
so we settle on penguins or meet a guest car
and as a nice gesture, I bought all the tickets
Psyke! Not a chance. My dad friggin did it.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: [rapping] Mom needs help, I pretend to be napping
even though I could hear all that is happening
It sounds like she really needs help in the kitchen
but if she thinks I’m moving, then she must be trippin

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
and grandma says I look taller
they wait on me like I’m sick leave
that’s a light from back home, baller

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: [rapping] Taking up the trash, all my neighbors spot me
they sworm around me like my own paparazzi
talking and stalking they can’t get enough of me
wondering, questioning, what’s going on with me

[Cut to a woman asking Aidy a question]

Woman: So, what’s going on with you?

Aidy: Um, the same. Okay, Jean, bye!

[Aidy walks away from the woman] [Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: [rapping] Once everyone’s in bed, I go insane
heroine, marijuana, crack, cocaine
are not what I wanna watch, cheese and chips
and so put on some very old, Chris White’s tricks

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: [rapping] getting free wifi like a dope ass hoe
the password was seventeen Os
then bSasheerVanessaltng
then capital X, then 333
then 1458tdq
and 314 and w

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Hold up! Y’all don’t even know how pimp it is at my mom’s house. That bitch puts out so many bowls of things for me, it’s insane. I’m up to my ass in

[rapping] bowls, bowls, all type of bowls
chips and candies and she shell bowls
my mom’s got bowls for everything
flowers and nuts and everything
bowl on a toilet, bowl on a shelf,
bowl of m&ms, I can help myself
she puts out these bowls for me
and any bowl I like, I get for free

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: [rapping] Coz I’m back home baller
in pajamas that cost $Aidy0
tell my mother that I love her more than any friggin other
that’s a life from a back home baller

Cameron Diaz: Damn straight, y’all!

Kate: Love you, mom and dad. We out.

Aidy: See you in a month for Christmas. We doing this all again.