Tag: Captain

Submarine Launch

Mr. Dobbs… Kenan Thompson

Captain… Woody Harrelson

Mr. Dobbs: Attention. Crew, President accounted for, sir.

Captain: Thank you, Mr. Dobbs. At ease. Little fish. there’s trouble out there in the water so they turned us? We’re not going out there with a pants down. No, sir. Uncle Sam gave us first class tickets on a $5 billion nuclear submarine, isn’t that right?

Soldiers: Sir, yes, sir.

Captain: And this lethal Ohio class killer machine has been entrusted to us for one purpose, to defend our country, God’s country. Now the President may call the shots, but this here is my submarine. And it’s a proud boat, isn’t it, Mr. Dobbs?

Mr. Dobbs: Very proud, sir.

Captain: It represents the best of us.

Mr. Dobbs: The absolute best, sir.

Captain: And this ship has noble name doesn’t it, Mr. Dobbs.

Mr. Dobbs: Very normal, sir.

Captain: And what is that name, Mr. Dobbs?

Mr. Dobbs: Mr. dingleberries Gooch Balloon ASDFJKL; 6969, sir.

Captain: Say it again?

Soldiers: Mr. dingleberries Gooch Balloon ASDFJKL; 6969, sir.

Captain: And why does it have that name?

Mikey: Because it was decided by an online poll, sir.

Captain: Why did we let that be the name?

Mikey: Because we didn’t take the poll seriously until it was too late, sir.

Captain: What percentage of people voted for this to be the name?

Soldiers: An overwhelming majority, sir.

Captain: And why did we have a poll in the first place?

Michael: to get more followers on Instagram, si.

Captain: And did this mission succeed?

Bowen: We got more views on our stories, but our followers grew pretty much the normal rate, sir.

Captain: And who is Mr. Dingleberry?

Soldiers: Everyone assumes it was you, sir.

Captain: And what was the runner up in the poll?

Marcello: Dookie Cruiser, sir.

Captain: And was that any better?

Soldiers: If it was shorter but equally bad, sir.

Captain: And what does ASDFJKL; mean?

James: It’s just what you get if you roll your fingers across the keyboard, sir.

Captain: And how to rearrange it and try to pronounce it?

Andrew: By saying ass of a jackal, sir.

Captain: But we decided what?

Mikey: That ass of the jackal was too complicated. And we should just say the letter, sir.

Captain: And did we know how to deal with the semicolon?

Soldiers: We did not, sir.

Captain: So, what did we decide to do?

Devon: We decided to just call it semicolon, sir.

Captain: And who was behind this prank?

Mikey: @GayKevinFromTheOffice420, sir.

Captain: And who is that GayKevinFromTheOffice?

Soldiers: Just a random guy, sir.

[phone ringing]

Captain: Hello, my darling wife. Is it urgent? And why is it urgent? And why are you leaving me? And on which days will I see the kids? Okay, then. Now, who thinks they know why my wife is leaving me?

Soliders: We all do.

Captain: And why is that?

Mr. Dobbs: Because she didn’t want to be Mrs. Dingleberry, sir.

[Submarine starts shaking]

Captain: And who blew up the submarine just now?

Soldiers: We all did, sir.

Captain: And why did we do it?

Bowen: Because we didn’t want to die on something called the Gooch Balloon, sir.

Captain: Damn right. Chief of the boat, dismiss the crew.

Mr. Dobbs: Aye-aye. Mr. Dingleberry crew, fall out.

Soldiers: Yeah!

Star Trek Spinoff

Captain… Beck Bennett

Corporal… Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Bowen Yang

McKenna… Carey Mulligan

Zachary… Mikey Day

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Paramount+, we thought of the plusing before Disney. We now return to the Startrek prequel: Starcharter Andromeda.

[Cut to the ship]

Captain: What’s the situation, corporal?

Corporal: It’s not good, sir. Solar flair scrambled the ship’s computers. All proportion and guidance systems have gone dark.

Ego: The ship is dead and we’re headed towards the Medusa blackhole.

Alex: If we cross it’s even horizon, there’s no escape.

Captain: How do we fix this?

Bowen: We’ve tried everything. Nothing seems to work.

Captain: There’s got to be a way. Does anyone have an idea?

McKenna: Hi. I know I’m just a Consol Lout, but maybe we can try unplugging it and plugging it back in?

Corporal: What? Are you serious? This is ridiculous.

McKenna: [being emotional] I’m sorry I’m such a big dumb idiot. [storms outside]

Zachary: McKenna, wait! [yelling] I cannot believe you just did that.

Captain: Who are they and what was that?

Bowen: I don’t know who they are but I always see them in the hallway having intense conversations in hush tones.

Alex: Yes. And according to the crew log, captain, they just graduated from a small expensive Star Fleet Academy.

Ego: You know, my gut tells me they’re just rich white kids who for the first time are experiencing a world that doesn’t revolve around them.

Corporal: Alright. Well, we’ve got bigger problems.

[McKenna and Zachary walk back]

McKenna: Yeah. You’re right. Thank you, Zachary.

Zachary: I mean, they’re toxic. This whole place is literally toxic.

Captain: The anti-matter accelerator. We could route it’s power to propulsion systems.

Alex: The risk of overload is very high, captain. That is a very dangerous option.

Bowen: But it just might work.

Zachary: Um, excuse me?

McKenna: Zachary, don’t!

Zachary: No, they were wrong. McKenna is too polite and awesome and too beautiful to say it, so I will. I think you owe her an apology.

Corporal: I don’t owe her a thing. We’re dealing with a life and death emergency.

McKenna: [shocked] Stop gaslighting me. [storms out]

Zachary: McKenna, stop!

Corporal: What’s going on with your friend?

Zachary: McKenna is dealing with a lot right now, you have no idea.

Corporal: A lot? Is it worse than drifting into a blackhole?

Zachary: Yes. Her parents might be selling her childhood home.

Ego: Might be?

[Chloe runs in]

Chloe: Zachary, McKenna is threatening to jump out into space.

Zachary: No! No, McKenna! Move! [storms out]

Captain: Should someone check on her?

Bowen: No. She threatens to jump out into space everyday. It’s fine.

Ego: Captain, if we’re going to power up the inter-matter accelerator, we need to do it now.

Alex: Think carefully, captain. The lives of every soul on board are at stake.

[McKenna and Zachary walk in]

McKenna: I would like to speak my truth to you.

Corporal: Not now.

Zachary: Yes! Yes, now. Go ahead, McKenna.

McKenna: I will not let you take my power away. My name is McKenna McLord Davies and my voice has value.

Zachary: [pointing at Corporal] My best friend’s voice has value.

Corporal: [pushing Zachary’s hand away] Get your finger out of my face.

Zachary: Oh my god, let go of me. You’re hurting me.

McKenna: Stop killing him.

Chloe: [recording through phone] You’re on videotape, ma’am. Stop assaulting my friend.]

Corporal: I’m not. When a commanding officer asks you to do something, you do it. You understand?

Zachary: My arm. She broke my arm.

McKenna: You broke his arm.

Captain: Everyone, quiet! Look, we’re now approaching a blackhole. We’re already inside it.

Zachary: Sir, she broke my arm. I need the rest of the day off.

Captain: Put these guys in the airlock now!

[They throw three of them out in the space.]

Alien Lover

Rexin… Beck Bennett

Captain… Natalie Portman

[Starts with Rexin and Captain walking inside a room]

Rexin: Perhaps, this is all happening so fast.

Captain: Calm yourself, Rexin. With me at the helm, you’re bound only for bliss.

[Rexin and Captain go to the bed.]

Rexin: Oh, captain. How I even yearn for you? But I must admit I’m nervous. You are a noble human and I, a lonely Narloc.

Captain: Is your mind, Rexin. For I am a gifted lover and have experienced the passions of our galaxies many different life forms. You can trust me to steer the ship.

[Captain leans to kiss Rexin]

Rexin: Okay, wait. So sorry. Just hang on one second.

Captain: Yeah? What’s up?

Rexin: [sigh] Okay, so, just before we go any further, I just like– I don’t know. I just want to give you a head’s up that my butt is my face and my face is my butt.

Captain: Wait. What?

Rexin: My butt..

Captain: Yeah.

Rexin: …is my face.

Captain: And this? [pointing at his face]

Rexin: This face is my butt. Correct.

Captain: Seriously?

Rexin: Yeah. I’m an alien. It’s just how I’m built.

Captain: So, right now you’re talking out of your butt?

Rexin: Yeah. But so is other man you’ll meet. [laughing] It’s a little joke I’d like to tell sometimes after breaking the news.

Captain: Um, okay. Yeah. I guess I can roll with that.

Rexin: Yeah. Thank you. I’ll just go ahead and turn over then. [Rexin turns over. Captain is looking at Rexin’s butt. Rexin is shaking his butt as he speaks] Oh! There you are. Oh, I can finally see you.

Captain: Yeah. You too.

Rexin: So? This is me. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Captain: Ha-ha. Yeah. There you are.

Rexin: Yeah. Hey, I really like your hair.

Captain: Oh, thank you so much. I like your cheeks?

Rexin: Oh! Thank you.

Captain: No problem.

Rexin: You can touch them if you want.

Captain: Excuse me?

Rexin: My cheeks. You can touch my cheeks if you want.

Captain: Oh. Okay.

[Rexin touches Captain’s butt]

Rexin: Ah! Now spoon me.

Captain: What?

Rexin: Spoon me. Spoon me like you mean it.

Captain: Oh, okay.

[Rexin hugs Captain’s lower back]

Rexin: Oh god, this feels so right.

Captain: Yeah. Super right.

Rexin: Oh, no.

Captain: You okay?

Rexin: I think I’m allergic to your perfume. I’m gonna sneeze. Ah! [farts]

[Captain is disgusted. She stands immediately.]

Captain: Um, you know what? Why don’t I make us a drink?

Rexin: Um, I wouldn’t say no to a gin and tonic.

Captain: Ah! So, has your butt always been your face?

Rexin: Yeah. As long as I can remember.

Captain: Wow! That must be tough.

Rexin: Well, I just put on a brave ass and except at sometimes, life’s a real face hole. [Captain passes a drink to Rexin] Ah! Thank you. [Rexin pours the drink on his butt and makes drinking sound]

Captain: Oh, my god!
Rexin: That’s delicious. Thank you.

Captain: So, wait. At the restaurant?

Rexin: I was putting food in my ass. Yes. I’m respectful of the people around me. Ha-ha-ha.

Captain: I’m sorry. I just– I definitely can’t handle this.

Rexin: You know what? If you’re not into this, then that’s fine. But some day you’re gonna face the fact that some people’s faces are butts and their butts are their faces. [Rexin stands] Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the bathroom. [Rexin walks to the bathroom. He leans head over the toilet bowl. There’s peeing sound.]

Captain: Rexin, look at me.

Rexin: No.

Captain: Rexin!

Rexin: What?

Captain: Look at me.

Rexin: Fine! [Rexin faces his butt to Captain] What do you want?

Captain: Rex, you listen to me. Now, I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did but you have to understand I was surprised.

Rexin: Surprised? You were surprised? How do you think I feel, huh? Imagine my surprise. I was born this way.

Captain: Rex, please, I understand.

Rexin: No, you don’t! You don’t understand. The whole galaxy thinks I’m some kind of freak! I’m sure no one else on my planet was actually born this way. And sure, all psychiatrist said it was a false reality I created myself. But tell me this, if that’s the case, then how did I just pee out of my mouth?

Captain: I don’t know.

Rexin: Exactly. You don’t know. You don’t know. Mom doesn’t know. The doctors don’t know. And you best believe daddy don’t. Coz guess what? Oh, yeah, he was basically never around.

Captain: Rex! Get a hold of yourself!

[Captain slaps Rexin on his butt hard.]

Oh, Rex. I’m sorry.

Rexin: Did that make you feel good? Huh? You feel big and strong? Here I am just some confused kid trying to make sense of his body. But at least you had fun with your freak. Well, have a nice day, lady. [Rexin puts a had on his butt.]

Captain: Rex, please. [Rexin walks away leaning.] Rex, don’t run away. [Rexin stops] For once in your life, don’t run.

Rexin: Captain.

Captain: Yes, Rexin.

Rexin: When people ask you about me, what will you say?

Captain: [Captain gets on her knee looking at Rexin’s butt] I’ll say, “There goes Rex, the nicest ass you’ll ever meet.”

Rexin: Oh, captain, I–

Captain: [putting her finger near Rexin’s butt] Shh! [Captain leans forward to kiss Rexin’s butt. Video pauses before it happens.]

[The End]

Aer Lingus

Brianna… Cecily Strong

Coleen… Saoirse Ronan

Alex Moffat

Kate McKinnon

Captain… Kyle Mooney

Maiv… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Brianna speaking on airplane’s speaker]

Brianna: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard to flight 192 from Dublin to Cork, making connections to New York city. Now, before we’re in the air, we want to go over some safety features on Air Lingus.

Coleen: Yes. But even before that, we know what Air Lingus sounds like.

Brianna: Yes. We can’t go through a flight without someone making an Air Lingus comment.

Coleen: You know, about the word that sounds like, nothing any more about it.

Brianna: And to the word we’re talking about, it sort of rhymes with Ronan and it’s about female bits and what she can do to em’. But we’re not saying anymore about it.

Coleen: It’s low hanging fruit, literally. And that is definitely the last we are saying about that.

Brianna: And the word was conalingus.

Alex: How long do you reckon we’ll be on the runway? What’s the delay then?

Brianna: I heard it was a dog.

Coleen: Oh, here’s the lady with the orange sticks now. maybe she has more information.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Folks, we’ve got a dog on the runway. It’s got sad eyes. So, we’re gonna have to wait. We’re going to let dog choose when he’s ready to move. It’s his will. It’s his story. Not ours. Do you understand?

[Kate walks out]

Coleen: Good then, right. Let’s do our safety presentation. Do all of you have your pamphlets? If so, just pull them out now.

Brianna: Okay, number one. Mind your children please.

Coleen: Yes. They need to be underneath your seat at all times.

Brianna: And toddlers need to be stored neatly in the overhead for the entirety of the flight.

Coleen: Whose dog is this? [pointing at a dog] Come here. [Coleen carries a dog] Whose dog are you?

Brianna: Oh! That’s the captain’s dog. [banging cockpit door] Captain. Panky’s out here.

Captain: What’s that?

Coleen: It’s Panky, your dog. He’s out here.

[Captain opens the door]

Captain: Panky, you’re a bad boy, aren’t ya? Ha-ha-ha. Thank you.

[Captain walks inside the cockpit with his dog]

Brianna: Sorry. Folks, that was our captain Piwi Riley. That’s his nickname.

Coleen: Yes. Because something on his body is giant and he’s ashamed of it. And that’s all we’re going to say about it.

Brianna: And that part of his body is his penis.

Coleen: Okay. So, now that you’ve met our captain, let us introduce ourselves. I’m Coleen.

Brianna: And I’m Brianna. In the back we have Maiv, and now she’s going to tell us a bit about the menu.

[Maiv walks in]

Maiv: We’ve got fingerling potatoes. We’ve got purple potatoes. And we got salmon. I’m sorry, I misread that. The salmon is also potato. Thank you.

[Maiv walks out]

Brianna: Okay, Maiv, get back to the back now.

[Cut to Kenan. He is holding a dog.]

Kenan: Um, excuse me. Will I make my connection to New York city? And also, here’s a strange dog that has jumped into my lap.

Brianna: And is he bothering you, sir?

Kenan: Not really. He’s kind of sweet.

Coleen: Aw, it sounds like you made a new friend.

Kenan: Yeah. So, am I to make that connection to New York? Or–

Brianna: You know what? Here comes the lady with orange sticks.

[Kate walks in with a dog]

Kate: Alright, the dog on the runway was the captain’s dog. I knew it was him by his soul and the information on his tags.

Coleen: Oh, that’s Mupes. Isn’t it?

Brianna: Oh, what a funny coincident? It was the Mupes, the captain’s dog on the runway. [banging cockpit door] Captain, Mupes back. Guess he was at the runway.

Captain: Who?

Coleen: Mupes, your dog.

[Captain opens the door]

Captain: Mupes? Wow!

Brianna: He was on the runway.

[many dogs run out of the cockpit door]

Captain: Oh! Oh my dogs! Did you see that? Oh my god! Did you see them run out?

Brianna: I will send them in now.

Coleen: Folks, as you can see, the captain’s dogs have run out of the cockpit.

Brianna: Folks, it’d be a great deal of help if you can grab a dog by the passage. We can just load them back into the cockpit.

Coleen: Oh look. Maiv’s got her fit loud.

Star Trek Lost Episode

Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Uhuru… Sasheer Zamata

Captain… Chris Pine

Scotty… Beck Bennett

Spock… Kyle Mooney

Spocko… Bobby Moynihan

Alex Moffat

[Starts with TV Land Future Classics intro]

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson in his set]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Good evening. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson. My vest has suns on it.  I think that is so cool. In 1966, a series called Star Trek would chance television forever, but in its third and final season, the quality faded quicker than the solstice moon. [laughing at his own jokes awkwardly] Sorry. Science makes me silly. Before cancellation, several Star Trek episodes were shot but never aired until now. What follows the first look at episode 81, “Spock’s Secret.”

[Cut to the scene from the episode.]

Uhuru: Captain, the Romulan’s home planet has weakened our systems. Shields are barely holding.

Captain: God, they’re completely shutting us down. Scotty, can we return fire with photon torpedoes?

Scotty: I’m trying my best, captain, but we’ve got a malfunction in the plasmic core system.

Captain: Spock, can you fix it?

Spock: Negative, captain. I’m not familiar with the mechanics of plasma systems, but I do know someone who is… my brother.

Captain: You have a brother?

Spock: A half brother, captain. A citizen of the planet Vulcan who’s one of the academy’s best engineers.

Captain: Well, by all means, send him up.

[Spocko walks in]

Spocko: Hey, how you doing? My name’s Spocko! Reporting for duty over here. I was in the wrong hallway. I opened the door, I almost got sucked out into space. Now, that’s a ‘Star Trek.’

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Spocko was played by actor and nightclub crooner Sal Delabate. In 1968, Delabate’s song, ‘Pizza beach’ was big hit on the dance charts. Producers were trying to appeal to a far out audience. So, in a ratings grab, Spocko was created.

[Cut to the episode]

Captain: Spocko, are you two actually related?

Spock: Yes, captain. My father ambassador Sarek had a child with a human school teacher who is my mother, but he also fathered a son with an earth woman who worked as a hostess at Mama Guchioni’s family style bistro in ‘Queens, New York.’ That’s Spocko.

Spocko: Yeah. That’s me. That’s Spocko. Come on!

Alex: Captain, I’m not sure I trust this man to repair our ship.

Sulu: Yeah. We’ve never seen him before. It’s weird.

Spocko: Oh, come on, Sulu, don’t be illogical over here. What are you doing?

Captain: I’m sorry, but we’ve got no other choice. Romulus could fire at any moment. Spocko, give it your best shot.

Spocko: Alright. NO problem. [Spocko starts walking around looking for the problem. He is limping.] Now, what’s this here? You got a problem with your plasma core or something?

Scotty: I think it’s a distorted wake pattern.

Spocko: Ah, well, hold on. Let me just get my tools here. Let me just scoot right through here. Need my little machine. Alright, let’s get this puppy open And here we go. [Spocko pulls out a whole system cover. It’s smoking inside.] Yeah. Looks like you got fourteen MCFS ionized gas over here. You konw? that’s your problem.

Uhuru: Excellent diagnosis, Spocko.

Spocko: Ooh! Thank you, Uhuru. He-he-he. You know, look, I’m a Vulcan but I’m very direct sometimes and I got to say, I want to take a big nice bite of that nice bit juicy butt of your’s. Now, that’s a Star Trek.

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson:

Wow! A lot to unpack there. You’re probably wondering about the walk. Sal Delabate was living in the back of a bar at the time. And he had a rare medical condition from eating no solid food except pearl onions and shaved ice. After Sal sexually harassed Uhuru played by Nichelle Nichols, producers knew this episode would never air and they let Delabate do whatever he wanted. Take a look.

[Cut to the episode]

Captain: Captain’s log. Star date 45, 21.4. Systems are up and running. All thanks to a Vulcan from Queens with strange jelly bones. The important thing is my crew is safe.

Spocko: Hey! Live long and party, captain. Set a course for ‘Pizza Beach’.

[music playing]

All: [singing] There’s a special kind of beach
where all the cool kids go
order a set of my pizza
welcome to the Pizza Beach

Now, that’s a pizza!

[Cut to Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Yes. I know it was a disaster. But it was still better than “Star Trek, 5 the Final Frontier.” Oh, set your phasers to, “Oh snap.” That’s a trekky burn. I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson and I’ll see you, this is so exciting, in the future.

Spocko: Now, that’s a Star Trek.

Civil War Soldiers

Jimmy Fallon

Mikey Day

Alex Moffatt

Beck Bennett

Greg… Harry Styles

Captain… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a Union Army Camp in 1863.]

Jimmy : I heard we’re marching south tomorrow.

Mikey: Feels like this war’s never going to end. I swear, sometimes, I forget what we are even fighting for.

Alex: Yeah. We’ve been fighting this war so long, I wonder if my family will even recognize me.

Beck: Oh, I’m tired of hearing all this grumbling. How about a song? Something to lift our spirits. A real foot stomper.

Alex: How about ‘Old New York?’

Beck: Ah! Old New York. Now that’s the tune that will put the fight back in you. What do you say, boys?

All: Alright!

Alex: Great song.

[music palying]

Beck: [singing] Well, I’m from New York, I am from up north in yankee land
then one day the union army came a calling
they said son grab up your gun, there is glory to be won
and soon the dixie boys will be a falling

All: One, two, three, it’s the union calls for me
that we fear the grape shot nor the canon roar
oh, liberty and I happily
and bury me back home in Old New York

Jimmy : [standing] And we’re singing like,
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, party till the sun come up

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, we’ll stay up for ever now

[Everone else is staring Jimmy  looking confused]

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, dance until the pills wear off
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,, it’s a party at my parent’s house

[Jimmy  sits back]

Beck: Um, I don’t remember that part of Old New York.

Jimmy : Oh, no. Sorry, I added it. I felt like it needed like a fat catchy hook people can sing along. It’s good, right?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, it’s already stuck in my head.

Greg: You know what would sound good? If you all did a bridge after that hook.

Beck: Hey, Greg, shut up.

Greg: Okay.

Beck: Listen. Old New York is a soldier’s song. It’s about courage and making your loved ones proud. So maybe best not to change it.

Jimmy : Oh, of course. Just musically, it felt like it wanted that hook. Keep going.

Beck: [singing] Now I miss my family and I miss New York City,
but to run away from war is a disgrace
if the rebel shoot me down

Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: Tell my family I was found
Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: On the ground with a smile on the face.

Jimmy : Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa [build up]

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, skinny dipping in the pool
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, all our friends are making out
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,…

Beck: I don’t know what to say.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, it’s a party at my parent’s house.

[Greg walks in]

Greg: Oh my god! there she is, the girl I like
suddenly, it’s all clear
this is the best night of my life
everybody sing it right.

All: Oh, oh, oh–

[Captain walks in]

Captain: What the hell is going on here?

Beck: Oh, I’m very sorry, sir. I thought some singing might boost morale in camp.

Captain: Oh, no. I’m sorry. I was pretending like I was the dad in the song. Like, coming home and seeing the party at my house and be like, “What’s going on?” Being like, angry.

Jimmy : Let’ go. That would be a fun break in the song.

Mikey: Yeah. Maybe it’s like a switcheroo and the dad’s actually into it?

[Beck looks disppointed]

Jimmy : Yeah, yeah. Or we can just do the regular version of Old New York.

Beck: Oh, who am I kidding? That hook is fire. The whole track is absolutely lit. Let’s take it from the dad coming in.

Captain: [clearing throat] Nobody parties at my house! Without me!

Beck: Two, three, four.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,

Greg: Everybody know themselves!

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh…

Jimmy : It’s a party at my parent’s house.

[explosion]

Oh, man! That canon sounded amazing. Hey, props to whoever shot that cannon. That was a fun punch at the end.

Beck: That wasn’t one of our’s.

Jimmy : Then who shot it?

[explosion and smoke effect]

Male voice: And when the smoke cleared, all that was left of the third New York infantry was their bravery, their sacrifice and our nation’s first big fat hook.

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot]

[Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]