Captain Shadow and the Cardinal

Captain Shadow… Kevin Hart

Cardinal… Chris Redd

Police officers… Alex Moffat, Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of robbers robbing a bank’s vault. They’re wearing clown masks.]

Captain Shadow: Hey, fellas!

[ Suddenly two vigilante superheroes come in and beat up all the robbers] [Cut to Captain Shadow and Cardinal inside their Shadow mobile. They’re wearing masks, superhero costumes and are driving really fast.]

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, we did it, Captain Shadow.

Captain Shadow: But the Killer Clown is still eluded us once again. Let’s hurry back to the shadow cave and inspect this mysterious clue he left behind.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] That sick bastard will never go away with whatever he’s planning. Thanks to us.

Captain Shadow: Don’t get too cocky, Cardinal. The Killer Clown is still– [police siren] Ah! God dammit! It’s the cops.

[Captain Shadow pulls over.]

Alex: [on speaker] Turn off the engine.

Cardinal: They probably just wanna thank us.

Captain Shadow: Yeah, I bet. Look, just be cool and let me do all the talking, okay?

[Alex walks out of his vehicle and approaches Captain Shadow]

Cardinal: Okay. I won’t say a word.

Alex: Good morning, fellas.

Cardinal: Good morning.

Captain Shadow: Uh, hello officer.

Alex: Nice masks. What are you guys? Coming from a party or something?

Captain Shadow: No, sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] But I guess you can say we busted one up, right Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Shut up, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

Alex: Any idea how fast you were going?

Captain Shadow: Uh, I mean, I’m really not sure. 65? 70 maybe?

Alex: Collect you guys at 140.

Captain Shadow: Oh.

Alex: Yeah. License and registration, please sir.

Captain Shadow: It’s me. It’s Captain Shadow. This is my trustee sidekick Cardinal.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] The dynamite two-some. At your service.

Captain Shadow: Hey Cardinal, will you just shut up?

Alex: Okay. I see you’re rappers or something. I still need to see your ID.

Captain Shadow: No. We’re not rappers. And my identity is a secret. So…

Alex: Ah! A secret?

Captain Shadow: Yeah. I’m a crime fighter.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] You really don’t recognize us?

Alex: [to Cardinal] How old are you?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] 16.

Alex: Is that your son?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] No. But we live together in the cave.

Alex: Okay. Out of the car. Let’s go.

Captain Shadow: [getting out of the car] Cardinal, that’s gonna be your biggest setback. You don’t listen.

Alex: Well, do you need help? Get out.

Captain Shadow: Alright.

Alex: Been drinking today?

Captain Shadow: Uh, no sir.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never drink.

Captain Shadow: Hey!

Alex: Uh-huh. Pretty sweet ride you got. You got fire coming out of the exhaust. I don’t see a license plate on this thing.

Captain Shadow: Yeah. Well, of course, not. It’s the shadow mobile. Alright? I made this car myself.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Yeah. Coz he’s a genius.

Alex: Ay, was I talking to you?

Cardinal: No. But he is.

Alex: [to Captain Shadow] Okay. Hands on the hood.

Captain Shadow: Okay. I really don’t think–

Alex: Let’s go. Common. [Alex starts searching Captain Shadow’s body] Alright. Do you have anything that will stick me?

Captain Shadow: Probably.

Alex: Any weapons or gun?

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Captain Shadow would never use guns. Coz guns are for cowards. Right, Captain Shadow?

Captain Shadow: Will you shut up, Cardinal?

Cardinal: Sure.

Alex: [looking at Captain Shadow’s belt] What is this?

Captain Shadow: It’s my utility belt.

Alex: Yeah. What’s on it?

Captain Shadow: I don’t know. Smoke bomb, gadgets, it’s a lot of–

Alex: Uh-huh.

[Alex takes the belt off of Captain Shadow]

Captain Shadow: This isn’t really necessary. Just call commissioner Morgan. He knows who I am.

Alex: Yeah. teneightyfive, I’m gonna need a car.

Captain Shadow: Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Any time a black man wants to do something good for his community, we gotta go through something like this. Every time.

[Alex shows a small packet of cocaine]

Alex: What’s this?

Captain Shadow: What’s what?

Alex: This bag. What’s in it?

Captain Shadow: That’s um– That’s dust. That’s energy dust.

Alex: Oh yeah? Looks little bit like cocaine.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh please!

Captain Shadow: What? It’s not cocaine. It’s like cocaine but it’s different. It’s–

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] He just needs it for energy and courage.

Captain Shadow: Shut your trap.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Alright, what seems to be the problem here? Hey, Captain Shadow? What’s going on, my brother? [takes the packet] What’s this right here? [tastes it] Oh, that’s cocaine.

Captain Shadow: Well, it’s not mine. It’s not mine.

Alex: You said it was your energy dust.

Captain Shadow: Did I say that? But it’s not mine. I probably confiscated it and just forgot about it. Left it in the belt after taking it.

Kenan: Alright, let’s go ahead and get you in some cuffs, buddy.

Captain Shadow: No. We don’t need those.

Kenan: Thank you very much.

Cardinal: [his hands doing karate moves] Oh, no! Captain Shadow. What should I do?

Captain Shadow: Call my lady. Tell her they got me again, Cardinal.

Cardinal: Okay.

[Cardinal runs in the streets wearing his superhero costume.] [Cut to the newspaper with front page article ‘Capt Bust for the Dust.]