Car Heist

Security… Kenan Thompson

Thief… Chris Redd

Hacker… Mikey Day

Mastermind… Kieran Culkin

Natalia… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Security doing rounds at night in automobile garage ] [he hears some noise]

Security: What the–? [turns his flashlight on. He sees a rope hanging inside the shop. As he’s looking around, Thief stands behind him and hits him on his head. He’s out.]

Thief: Sleep tight, old man. [talking in microphone] I’m in.

Hacker: And we’re in business. I’m gonna work on getting those security doors open for you. Shouldn’t be long now, boss.

Mastermind: Fantastic. I’ll let the client know. They’re in.

Natalia: Impressive, Mr. Knight. But my boss doesn’t pay you to get inside underground garage. He pay you to steal billionaires vintage Lamborghini. It’s there, yes?

Mastermind: Ghost, you got eyes on the prize?

Thief: Oh, yeah. She’s one bad bitch.

Hacker: Okay, Ghost, just bought you two minutes to get out of there. You’re welcome by the way.

Thief: Two minutes? I’m counting money in one. Let’s do this. [turns on the engine] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Whoo! [the engine shuts down]

Mastermind: Everything all right, Ghost?

Thief: Yeah. Yeah. This car like this is just like beautiful ladies. You just gotta know how to handle. [The engine doesn’t turn on] What the hell? [Security is laughing. He is tied up.] Oh, yeah, boss. I think we got a problem.

Mastermind: What’s going on, Ghost?

Thief: This car got an advanced driver system I’ve never seen before. I’m looking at three pedals here, shifter that goes up, down and sideways. This must be some new, new tech. I’m thinking military maybe.

Hacker: Sounds like it’s a stick shift?

Thief: A stick what?

Mastermind: Stick shift. Ghost, you can drive stick, right?

Thief: Bitch, I can drive anything,

Mastermind: Including stick?

Thief: Nah.

Mastermind: Ghost, I’ll walk you through this. Anything you don’t get, you say stop.

Thief: Cool.

Mastermind: Turn the car on and press the clutch.

Thief: Stop. You say clock?

Security: [Laughing hard] That boy said clock.

Thief: Shut up, old man.

Mastermind: Put the car in gear.

Thief: Stop.

Mastermind: No. We don’t have time. Now, press the clutch with your left foot, put it in gear, then press the gas with your right foot.

Thief: Stop. You want me to drive with two feet? Who you think I am? Fred Flinstein?

Hacker: Flinstein?

Thief: Did I stutter? Frederick Flinstein.

Hacker: 60 seconds.

Natalia: Enough. Mr. Ghost, it’s Natalia. I help, so listen. Yes?

Thief: Yes, man.

Natalia: Left foot clutch, right foot gas.

Thief: Done, baby girl.

Natalia: Press clutch, put in gear.

Thief: New.

Natalia: Then take foot off clutch.

Thief: Copy.

Natalia: And give gas.

Thief: Impossible.

Natalia: Then drag, it’s clear?

Thief: Nah. But let’s do this.

[He’s trying to go forward but the engine stops going just a little forward]

Hacker: You’re gonna have to go a lot faster than that, Ghost.

Thief: Good thing this baby has nitrous boosters.

Security: [laughing] That’s the trunk.

Hacker: Get out of there right now, Ghost. Or you’re dead, man.

Thief: Don’t you know? You can’t kill a ghost.

[Thief goes forward]

Security: He ain’t gonna make it.

[The car gets hit by the gate and gets stuck]

Thief: Ay, boss. We got a problem.

December to Remember Car Commercial

Nathan… Beck Bennett

Cathy… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Timothée Chalamet

Mike… Mikey Day

[Starts with a father, mother and their son sitting near their Christmas decoration.]

Nathan: Yes, it’ll fit perfectly. Hey, Matt, I think there might be one more gift for your mom right there.

[Matt brings the gift box for Cathy.]

Female voice: It hasn’t been a normal year. So this Christmas, get her something extra ordinary during the Lexux December to Remember sale event.

[There’s a Lexus car key inside the box.]

Cathy: Nathan, you didn’t.

Nathan: With flexible financing and 0% APR, there has never been a better time to buy or lease a new Lexus.

[Nathan runs outside. There’s a very nice car there.]

Matt: Wow!

Nathan: Merry Christmas, baby.

Cathy: [angry] Are you fucking kidding me Nathan? Did you seriously buy a car without asking me?

Nathan: Well, because for Christmas.

Cathy: This is a major purchase.

Nathan: Right. But it was a December to remember.

Cathy: It’s a Lexus. We don’t have the money for this, Nathan.

Matt: We don’t?

Cathy: No, we don’t. Your father doesn’t– Your father hasn’t worked since last March.

Matt: What?

Nathan: Yeah. Covid has hit a lot of people hard and I’m no exception.

Cathy: Nathan, you got fired in March 2019. Covid had nothing to do with it.

Nathan: Hey pal. I guess your old man’s busted.

[Cut to Lexus car commercial]

Female voice: It’s beginning to look a lot like savings. So, get to your local Lexus dealer today.

Cathy: How much did you spend on this ridiculous car, Nathan?

Nathan: It was only 3999 to it’s signing. Four grand. It’s not that much, babe.

Cathy: And how much is the monthly payment?

Nathan: The what?

Cathy: Did you think this entire car cost $4000?

Nathan: Uh-huh.

Cathy: There’s a monthly payment.

Nathan: Yes. With 0% apur. I think it’s all good.

Cathy: Apur? Do you mean APR?

Nathan: I’m pretty sure it’s apur.

Matt: Wow. Just, wow.

Nathan: Hey, come on. It’s Christmas. This is good. I did a good thing for us. [takes a can of beer out of his pocket] Let’s enjoy it. [drinks the beer]

Matt: Dad, it’s nine in the morning.

Nathan: So? It’s not like I have work later. Ha-ha. Come on!

[a neighbor walks to them.]

Mike: Hey.

Nathan: Hey, neighbor.

Mike: You bought a Lexus? You come to me three weeks ago, “Oh, Mike, help me. I need money. I can’t buy Christmas gifts for my family. My wife doesn’t respect me.”

Nathan: I didn’t say that.

Mike: My wife’s cheating on me with everyone.

Matt: Mom, you are? [Cathy just looks away]

Mike: I want to look cool in front of my son’s girlfriend.

Matt: Ew, dad! Is that why you pierced your ear?

Nathan: No, I’ve had this forever. [his piercing is fresh and bleeding]

Mike: I just need five grand to get back on my feet. And then you buy a Lexus?

Nathan: Yes. Well, it was beginning to look a lot like savings at my Lexus dealer.

Mike: I want my money back, man. Tomorrow! [looks at Cathy] Hey, Cathy. [Cathy waves at him with flirty looks]

Nathan: What is that look?

Cathy: You know what? We’re taking this car back to the dealership now.

Matt: I better drive.

Nathan: Maybe we stop by Jenna’s on the way over. She this cool car your dad got. Hah?

Cathy: Shut up.

Female voice: Give the gift of Lexus. And definitely, talk it over first.