Care… Kate McKinnon
Policeman… Bowen Yang
Owen… Beck Bennett
Woman… Chloe Fineman
Heidi Gardner[Starts with a movie intro. Alex and Care are investigating a murder]
Male voice: In a small town somewhere between New York and DC.
Alex: County sent me to see this investigation.
Male voice: Comes another story of grizzled lady detective.
Care: Cell me Care. Everybody else does.
Bowen: A jogger found the body over there.
Alex: What do we know so far?
Care: I don’t know we know. All I know is what we don’t know.
Male voice: With a very specific accent.[Care looks at the dead body’s face]
Care: Oh, no. I know her. It’s Owen’s dudur (daughter).
Care: Did I stir? The durdur has been murdered.
Alex: Oh, daughter.
Male voice: You’ve seen dead teens in New York, Chicago and Boston. But what about another city with very specific white? Pennsylvania whites.[Two police officers ad eating
Care: Would you quit eating wawa hoagies over the body, please?
Police officers: Sorry, boss.
Male voice: From the makers of “Mare of Easttown” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia”, comes–[Owen comes in]
Owen: No. Is it my durdur?
Care: Owen, she’s murdered.
Owen: They murdered my durdur?
Care: I’m afraid so.
Owen: [falls on his knees] My durdur! My baby durdur, and they murdered her!
Male voice: Murder Durdur, an extremely Pennsylvania crime show.
Care: I’m going to Yngling to take the edge off.
Owen: Oh, thanks Care.
Male voice: Highly accurate”, says the Delco-Daily. “The writers clearly googled. They knew the foods and the towns.”[The detectives are looking at the map]
Bowen: Thur in this third matches the stin down the Daninton.
Care: The roras for Pesho Casen.
Bowen: Pesco cho hankin?
Care: No, Pesho Casen. Over by the Jangoff bridge.
Alex: Great. And you guys can spell that for me later?
Male voice: Starring an actress with a messy ponytail that says “Forget, I’m actually British.”[Cut to Care interrogating a woman]
Care: Mandi (Monday) night, how did she get hum (home).
Woman: I told you. She got um on her own.
Care: Show me your phone.
Woman: Fine. But I ain’t murder no one’s durdur. I have no idea how she ended up in the wooter (water).
Care: What wooter?
Male voice: The New York time says, “So authentically Pennsylvania, I’m assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.”
Bowen: Look, Care, I know why you’re a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop pop was a cop. And your pop pop’s pop pop was the original Philly fanatic. It’s not your fault your son drowned in the schuylkill on purpose.
Alex: How does he know all that?
Care: Because he is my cousint (cousin). And he’s my cousint [pointing at another guy]. And that’s my ex-husbands (husband) [pointing at another guy]. And that girl–
Heidi: Hey, Care.
Alex: Let me guess, your cousint?
Care: No. It’s my grandurr.
Alex: Granddaughter? How old are you?
Care: I’m Philly 40.
Male voice: Constantly overcast. A creek and three bad homes. And moments of true suspense.[Alex and Care are in the woods at night with flash lights. They hear something moving.]
Alex: Wait, is that the killer?
Care: No, that’s just Gritty. [Someone’s wearing full Gritty costume and running way] Hey, Gritty, go flyers! [Gritty waves his hand] [Cut to Owen walking into the police station]
Owen: Cap, I’m going to murder whoever murdered my durdur.
Care: Owen. I don’t know who did your durdur’s murder, alright?[a pastor walks in with a girls bicycle]
Pastor: I need some help. I’m father Delbert, you durdur and I were friends.
Care: Oh! Okay. So, he did it. He is the durdur murderer.
Pastor: You got me.
Male voice: Murdur durdur, this is where Joe Biden is from. Wow.