Tag: Caren

Honda Robotics

Bobby Moynihan

Docimo… MIkey Day

Docima… Emily Blunt

Caren… Leslie Jones

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Bobby speaking to a crowd]

Bobby: Welcome to the Honda Robotics Lounge here at Nexcon. We are offering glimpses into Honda’s advancements in robotic technologies all day. And if everyone could put their phones on airplane mode for this next portion, that would be great. Now, is anybody hungry? Coz I got some good news. We hired a couple of caterers for this event. You might recognize them actually. They are Honda’s second generation mobile smart bots, Docimo and Docima.

[The door behind Bobby opens. Two robots walk out.]

Docimo: Would you like a Mac and cheeseballs?

Bobby: Wow. Yes, I would. Thank you Docimo. And what do you have there Docima?

Docima: Would you like a crunchy mini quesadillas?

Bobby: Oh, yes ma’am!

Docimo: Hey! Those are for the guests.

Bobby: [laughing] Okay, great job you two.

Docima: High-five.

Docimo: Pound it.

Bobby: Okay. Now, would you please serve our guests?

[Docima walks down and towards the guests]

Docima: Do you want a crunchy mini quesadillas?

Bobby: Wow! Look at her go, folks. And what are you still doing up here, Docimo? Get down there with those mac and cheeseballs. I see some people’s mouths watering.

Docimo: Do you want a mac and cheeseball- ball- ball- ball- ball- ball.

Bobby: Oh! Ha-ha-ha. Looks like Docimo is having a little bit of trouble. Let’s get one of our Honda robo wranglers out here to fix him up. Okay, hey Caren.

[The door behind Bobby opens. Caren walks in.]

Caren: Oh, man! I don’t know if this has been said but if anyone’s cellphone is not on wifi, it’s gonna mess with these things. Wifi please.

Bobby: Okay. Caren’s working on Docimo here but we still got Docima out there with mini quesadillas.

[Cut to Docima talking to Kate very near to her ear.]

Docima: Would you like a tasty mini quesadillas?

Kate: I said no.

Docima: Would you like an oowy, gooey, yummy, delicious mini quesadillas?

Kate: I do not.

Docima: would you like a delicious, toasty, cheesy quesadillas.

Kate: I already had one and I didn’t like it.

Docima: Would you like an oowy, gooey, cheesy, delicious mini quesadillas?

Kate: It’s face is so cold.

[Cut to Bobby and Docimo]

Bobby: Okay. And guess who’s ready with those mac and cheeseballs. Make sure you get some of these.

Docimo: Would you like a mac and cheeseballlllll–

[Docimo falls sideways] [machine breaking sound] [Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Man, I wanted one of those mac and cheeseballs.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Okay. Caren, why don’t you come on out here again. Okay.

[Caren walks out]

Caren: Man, I am telling I’m not playing. With the phone thing, text message did this to this dude. We got free wifi in here. Please.

Docimo: Would you like toasty mac and cheeseball? Pound it! Pound it!

Caren: Stop moving, dude!

Bobby: Okay. Well, while Caren gives Docimo a hand, does anybody have any questions about the exciting new Hondo robotics projects? Yes, sir.

[Cut to Beck. Docima is still walking with the food tray and is trying to talk through the wall.]

Beck: What sort of practical purpose would your robots have in the everyday world?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Now, that is an excellent question. Okay. But first sir, would you mind just giving Docima a little spin there please? Thank you.

[Cut to Beck. He spins Docima a little.]

Docima: Would you like a toasty mini quesadillas?

Beck: No.

[Docima follows Beck] [Cut to Bobby and Caren]

Caren: Sorry everyone, this one’s going back in it’s big plastic suitcase he lives in.

[Docimo runs around] [Caren holds Docimo by the throat and hits him to the wall. Docimo falls.]

Stay down, dude!

Docimo: Do you want a mac and cheesebal.

Caren: Now for real, I’m going to check everybody’s phone here. [text message beep] Oh, oh, damn. Sorry. That was my phone. I’m sorry. My bad.

Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi

Betty… Amy Poehler

Jodi… Maya Rudolph

Caren… Tina Fey

[Starts with Bronx Beat with Betty & Jodi intro] [cheers and applause]

Betty: Hello. Hi, hi, hi. Welcome to Bronx Beat. I’m Betty.

Jodi: I’m Jodi, you know that.

Betty: Yes, hello, hello. Welcome to our Christmas episode. Cheers to Christmas.

Jodi: Cheers to Christmas. Here you go. Cheers friend. Wait a minute, you put alcohol in this eggnog?

Betty: Of course, what do you think?

Jodi: I’m not having any, coz you know what? I gotta drive.

Betty: We all gotta drive. What? Everyone’s driving. We’re all gonna drive. So, it’s Christmas but not that you would know it coz every time you turn on your TV, what do you see? Bad news.

Jodi: Bad news. Gloom and doom. I’m sick of it. So stupid. It’s Christmas. Give me a break.

Betty: You know what I want for Christmas? No more bad news.

Jodi: Thank you. Yeah, it’s Christmas. You think Santa comes down your chimney? It’s ISIS.

Betty: I-yay-ISIS. Okay? ISIS. Enough! Take a day off. Go! Take a nap. Go for a walk. Do something nice. Go see a movie.

Jodi: Yea! Go see Star Wars.

Betty: Oh, my god! Enough! Enough. No. I don’t wanna watch Star Wars okay? May the force give me a break already. I’m saturated. Everywhere you look, it’s Star Wars and yogurts and soups and busters and backpacks and candy bars and soup.

Jodi: You know what? Not for me. Too many laser and blip bloops, it’s exhausting. Grow up.

Betty: There’s a giant talking dog in that movie. So dumb.

Jodi: Yeah, that’s why they call it a wookie.

Betty: A wookie. And his name is Chewy. You know what? I’m through-wy with Chewy.

Jodi: Yeah. Coz he’s a wookie.

Betty: A wookie?

Jodi: What the hell is a wookie?

Betty: A dog man that flies in plane. Pass!

Jodi: You know how they say. I’m sick of Star Wars and wookie? [starts gargling]

Betty: The only thing about space I’m more interested in is more counter space.

Jodi: Thank you.

Betty: Because my dumb husband takes it up will all those neutro-bullet.

Jodi: Ah! So dumb.

Betty: Makes these shapes.

Jodi: Shapes are dumb. My dumb husband. We’re laying in bed and he’s farting in asleep. And I’m blaming it on the dog. Dog looks at me and says, “Uh-uh, it’s that guy!”

Betty: Husbands are so dumb.

Jodi: [sobbing] But I love him. Farts and all. He farts like a dog but he makes love to me so gently. And we made four children.

Betty: Alright! Jodi, really, relax.

Jodi: I’m fine. I’m fine. Anyway, who cares? The three of our guests, who is it?

Betty: Alright. We know it wasn’t available coz of holiday, so I got my cousin Caren from Philly.

Jodi: Oh right, cousin Caren. I like her. She’s cute.

Betty: Yeah, she’s cute, right? She’s bring some warm home made Christmas ornaments. She’s gonna show it to us. She sells them on etzy whatever.

Jodi: Come on in.

Betty: Come on Caren. Hurry up now.

[Caren walks in] [cheers and applause]

Okay, good to see you Caren. How are things in Philly?

Caren: Yeah, okay. I just got on clearing dead boy out of my yard. And maybe gang stuff, the take down is sure. My son Dave just started Roxy. How are yous?

Jodi: Oh, my god. Caren. I forgot what a beautiful accent you have. You sound fancy.

Betty: So classy.

Caren: Get out! Don’t be stupid.

Betty: I have always, always been jealous of that accent.

Jodi: I wish I had an accent.

Betty: Me too. I talk so boring. Okay, say things in Philly. Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water.

Jodi: What did she say?

Betty: Water!

Jodi: What’s she saying?

Betty: Say water.

Caren: Water. Yeah, water.

Jodi: So beautiful.

Betty: It’s like Downtown Abby.

Jodi: You talk like a beautiful fairy.

Betty: Yeah. So, what’s new in Philly?

Caren: Well, you know. My brother Dave and his friend Dave and their other friend Dave saw a guy beat a salvation army staying with an old car battery in a wild-wild parking lot. Philly is a war zone.

Betty: Okay. Caren, we don’t want anymore bad news.

Jodi: We are sick of bad news, Caren.

Caren: Okay, well this is kind of good news. On the other day, serial killer killed another serial killer in front of the liberty bell. So, that’s two less serial killers. In Philly, we call that a Christmas miracle.

Betty: You know what? The world has gone coo-coo. I don’t even drink coffee in the morning anymore. I go straight to wine.

Jodi: Yeah! I mean, come on! Seriously people, it’s Christmas. And it’s crazy. The traffic, [sobbing] I couldn’t get anywhere.

Betty: She’s crying about the traffic.

Jodi: The taxi driver, fair and a half just for going off a block. So stupid street!

Betty: Jodi. Why are you crying over traffic? Are you okay? You having crazy mood swings.

Jodi: Fine!

Caren: Do you want some water?

Jodi: Some what? Warder?

Betty: Hang on. I’m like Colombo over here. Look, you’re not drinking, your moods are all over the place.

Jodi: I’m fine.

Betty: Oh, my god. My gut is telling me something. Please tell me I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m wrong.

Jodi: You’re wrong. I’m pregnant. Ah! I have an eighteen year old going to the University of Marilyn and I have this ghost shop for a crib after this show.

Caren: Jodi, what a terrible news.

Betty: Terrible! Terrible news. But babies are a blessing.

Jodi: Babies are a blessing. I know. I love babies. And I love you guys. Merry Christmas.

Betty: I’m so happy for you. But let me tell you something. If I was pregnant, I would kill myself. Alright, we’re almost out of time. And I just realized, we never really looked at your ornaments, Caren.

Caren: Oh, okay. Yeah, here’s one. [Caren pulls out a instant noodle cup hung opposite to a thread.] I gotta be honest with you. They’re not great.

Betty: No, not at all.

Jodi: No, they are not.

Betty: They are not great. Don’t quit your day job.

Jodi: Yeah, just put it back int he box.

Betty: Put it back in the box. It’s offending me. Alright, so, Merry Christmas.

Jodi: Merry Christmas everybody. I gotta go. I gotta go get a crib.

[The End]

City Council Meeting

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

MC Strategy… Kyle Mooney

Gary Lumus… Kenan Thompson

Baby… Amy Schumer

Caren… Leslie Jones

Rick… Pete Davidson

[Starts with City Council Meeting]

Bobby: Alright. Motion to put a stop sign on Walnut Avenue passes.

Cecily: And we now begin the Baker’s Field citizens forum and invite members of the community to the podium.

[Cut to Jan walking to the podium]

Jan: My name is Jan Krang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ms. Krang. Can you pull back from the microphone?

Jan: No! [Cut to Jan] I cannot. My grievance is with the teens who loiter in the Zappy’s lazer tag parking lot at night. They do wheelie, they smoke e-cigarettes, they dry hump in their cars. Now, I know they’re doing it because I can hear the sound of the denim on the denim.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Have you contacted Zappy’s management?

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Hundreds of times. And they have blocked my number. Now, all in favor of having Zappy’s parking lot bull-do say, “Yes, yes!”

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Um, Ms. Krang, we’re not voting on that. I suggest you file a formal noise complaint with the sheriff’s department.

[Cut to Jan]

Jan: Jan Krang, J-A-N K-rang.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yea, we have your name. Thank you miss Krang. Yess, hello sir.

[cut to the podium. Jan leaves and MC Strategy walks to it.]

MC Strategy: [speaking with an accent] Hello, my name is MC Strategy of the Mythic Insight’s crew. I recently moved here from Holland because of the underground hip-hop community here. I want to make sure that musical act you fired for the fall carnival is not mainstream making cream, all about the money, fake MCs with store bought flows. May I suggest MC Strategy performs. The realist MC.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: The city events committee handles  the fall carnival. You can contact them through the city’s website.

[Cut to MC Strategy]

MC Strategy: Thank you for being part of the movement. Real hip-hop.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Yes. You’re very welcome. Yes, the man in the Halloween themed tie.

[Cut to Gary. He’swearing Halloween tie and his jacket has a pumpkin on it’s right patch.]

Gary: Well, that’s me, scary Gary Lumus. As you know, the 31st of this month is all hallow’s eve where goons and goblins take to the streets for the spookiest nights. My question is, may I shut down 10 city blocks near my home for the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: What is the march of 10 frights?

[Cut to Gary]

Gary: A goolish parade of 400 freaky friends, ghosties, mummies, pumpkin people, and a host of haunts all armed with ooze cannons marches through the streets, singing a goolish chorus. It will truly be a fright… [Gary shows his hands. They’re hugs green and best like.] to remember. Monster hands!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Yes, I see that. I’m sorry Mr. Lumus but we cannot close major streets for private events. Thank you. Yes, hello, the little girl. Hi there.

[Cut to Baby.]

Baby: Hello. My name is Amy Berry Willer Schumer and I’m this many years old. [showing six fingers] Praise our lord Jesus Christ. He’s the best.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Aren’t you adorable. Do you have a question for us?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, babe. I was wondering if you could make recess longer at school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Aw! I think that’s up to your school, sweetheart. Anything else?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes! I wanna be allowed to bring my firearm to school.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: You own a gun?

[Cut to Baby]

Baby: Yes, sir. A bunch. A very pro life. Also, could we make bible class to Jesus’s teacher. Also, could you pass a federal mandate to ban all gay marriage? It’s not natural. It’s not natural.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Okay. Okay. You’re freaking me out, so we’re gonna move on. Um, yes, hello ma’am. You.

[Cut to Caren on the podium]

Caren: Hello. Okay, you can do this Caren. My name is Caren and I’m an alcoholic.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Oh, you know what? This isn’t– that’s not what this is.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: Please don’t interrupt me. This is difficult for me. I’ve been sober now for 20 minutes. I decided to seek help because I was drinking on a job which was affecting my performance as a school bus driver.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Ma’am. This is not an alcoholic synonymous meeting. They meet here  on Wednesday nights.

[Cut to Caren]

Caren: For real? Man, I thought this was Wednesday.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Okay, someone find out what school she works in. Alright, hello there, young man.

[Cut to Rick on the podium]

Rick: Wad up? I’m Rick. Um, you guys see Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Did.. Did.. Did we see Justin Bieber’s dong?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was… It was alright, right?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily. Bobby is nodding his head and smiling]

Bobby: Yeah. I thought it was pretty good.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Do you have a question that pertains to a city related issue?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: No. I do not. Peace!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Bobby: Great! Well, that concludes the citizen’s forum. After party at Zappy’s guys? I think that would be a great idea.

[The End]

Chocolate Droppa’s Listening Party

Chocolate Droppa… Kevin Hart

Harry… Pete Davidson

Roy…Jay Pharoah

Caren… Leslie Jones

Mark… Bobby Moynihan

Carl… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Chocolate Droppa with his friends in the studio]

Chocolate Droppa: Yo! I just want to thank you all for coming to my listening party, man! It means a lot to me, you know that? Finally finished my first album. I’ma be honest man, I couldn’t have done it without my crew.

Harry: Yo, we love you Jamiel!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: No, no, no! Yo, yo, yo, yo! Drop the Jamiel stuff, y’all. It’s Chocolate Droppa now, man! That’s my name. I came up with it yesterday. Y’all like it?

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Ha-ha-ha. Sort of.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Well, listen. Before I play this song, man, I just really want y’all to know that you guys, was the inspiration for this track. You know what I’m sayin? You’re my crew. I got you back, man!

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Ah, man! Respect, dawg!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! Look, I got the hook already but I really ain’t laid down vocals yet. So, what I’ma do is, I’ma sing the song live for y’all man.

[Chocolate Droppa’s friends clap for him] [Cut to Royand Caren]

Caren: Alright. Let’s hear that thang!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Yeah! Ay, look. Buckle up. Let me tell you something. Droppa’s about to spit it, you hear me? Alright, ay! [Cut to everybody] I’ma about to set it all for you, alright? [Chocolate Droppa plays the beat] [rapping] Here I go, all day, let’s get ready, let’s go
pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
coz I’m shooting at everybody
pew-pew pop-pop gunshot sounds

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Yo! That hook is super hard bro!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! It ain’t even started yet! Watch, yo!

here it go
I’m tight with my crew
we tell each other everything
I know all their secrets
so here’s a song about their secrets

[Cut to Harry looking confused]

Harry: Wait, what?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! Uh!
first up, let me tell you about my boy Mark

[Cut to Mark looking confused]

Mark: Maybe don’t!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Uh! Uh! Yo! Yo!
Mark ain’t paid his taxes in ten years
owe the government about thirty thou
pow-pow
if convicted he could do up to ten
in the pen pow-pow-pow

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Come on, man!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Let’s go!
pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
coz I’m shooting at everybody
pew-pew gunshot sounds
Yo! Next up is Carl. Here we go. Let’s go, uh!
Carl got the herps the lip kind
he tried to cover it with lipstick
but we all know it’s there Carl

[Cut to Carl covering his mouth.]

Carl: I din’t know what he’s talking about.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa:

pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
yeah! uh! Harry! Harry!
Here it come! Harry, here it come!
Harry is a Muslim but he eat pork

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: That’s not true.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah, yeah, yeah
he popped gummy bears all day all day
gummy bears have gelatin
and gelatin come from pig
that’s pork! you didn’t know that, did you?
dumb bitch!

[cut to Harry. He spits the gummy bears out.]

Harry: Why didn’t anybody tell me?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Yeah! Gun shots, what? Gun shots, what? Uh!

[music stops] [cut to everybody]

Yo! Yeah! Yeah! Yo, y’all thought I was finished, didn’t y’all?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Nope!

[music playing]

pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
Yo! Saving the best for last
Caren- Caren- Caren- Caren
Caren and Roy accidentally killed Steve
they think nobody know, I know
they don’t wanna get in trouble
now, it’s a “Weekend at Bernie’s(1989)”

[Cut to Royand Caren. Steve is sitting on sofa in front of them wearing sunglasses.]

Roy: Come on, man! [Royand Caren are holding Steve’s hands and waving them.] He good! He good! Man, look at him.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Pop-pop, pop-pop!

Yo! I love my friends, man! I love y’all. So, what did y’all think? It’s fire, right?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa’s friends. The’re pointing guns at Chocolate Droppa.]

Wait a minute. Hold on now. Wait, what’s going on? Wait, what part of the song made y’all mad?

[gun shot sounds] [cheers and applause]