Tag: Carl

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Doorman Carl on the New York Rental Market

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York is expected to be the most expensive rental market in 2023. Here to talk about it is the new doorman to my building, Carl.

[Carl slides in]

Carl: Ay! What’s up, Mr. Che? How are you doing, man? Just a little reminder, I noticed that you haven’t given me end of the year tip yet.

Michael Che: You just started.

Carl: Oh, well maybe soon then. Mam, you remember that night when things got wild? I talked to the police for you?

Michael Che: I don’t remember that.

Carl: I know right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Carl: Hard to keep track of all the crazy nights when Mr. Michael Che is your tenant. Tough to remember which night is wild? And which night is just ruggle? Oh man, we living that life, Che.

Michael Che: We?

Carl: Yeah, man. We doing the damn thing? My dog. [looking around] So what’s this? What do you do here, man?

Michael Che: This is SNL, man. It’s my job.

Carl: Oh, okay. Oh, so you just out here making the big bucks in a half suit and jeans. Hey buddy, Che. Che.

Michael Che: What, man?

Carl: You know that lady came around looking for you again. Right?

Michael Che: Who?

Carl: You know the one. That lady. She like, real smart.

Michael Che: All right.

Carl: Always mad. She came to the building again asking about you, man. But don’t worry. I told her you moved to Jamaica. I did good, right?

Michael Che: Why would you say that? I’m absolutely here in New York on live TV right now.

Carl: Yeah, she ain’t watching.

Michael Che: Okay, well, thank you Carl.

Carl: Hey, Che! Che! You know, that little kid came around looking for you, right? He was talking about, “Tell Che my mama said he got to take me to the zoo.” He said his name was DeMichael or something. I don’t know, man. I’m just a vessel.

Michael Che: Oh my god. That’s not my kid.

Carl: That’s right. That’s what I told that little dummy. That’s right. Che, teamwork make the dream work. Up top, man.

Michael Che: Well, thank you for stopping by man. I really—

Carl: Hey, Che! You know, that dog came around looking for you, right? He got that bark like, “Hrrr, hrrr, Che, Che, Che, Che.” I swear, that’s what he’d be saying, man. I understood the dog talking. Yeah. Hey, man. Who is Cornelius?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Carl: You sure? Because every night at eight o’clock, this man shows up and leaves one shoe on my desk and says, “Tell Michael Chang this is from Cornelius. And if he wants the other shoe, tell him to meet me under the bridge.” Bro, New York is wild, man.

Michael Che: Okay, now I know you have to go. I mean, I mean, who’s watching the building right now?

Carl: Oh, no. Don’t worry. I put a sign up there, says “If you look up Michael Che, just call 9Carl7-7Carl—

Michael Che: No, don’t give them my phone number.

Carl: Why not?

Michael Che: That’s against the rules.

Carl: It is? Well, I guess that’s why I’m a doorman and you here making crazy money using that desk to hide your dirty jeans.

Michael Che: Carl, my doorman, everybody.

Carl: Hey man, there were six cats looking for you.

Eyes

Boss… Brendan Gleeson

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Janine… Sarah Sherman

Michael Longfellow

Carl… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five colleagues in a meeting]

Boss: Alright guys, focus. Denver is counting on us to come up with new slogan for the city.

Ego: Okay, how about “Denver, sky’s the limit”?

Boss: That’s good. That’s really good.

Bowen: All right. I was thinking “Denver, gateway to the Rockies.”

Boss: All right, now we’re talking.

Janine: Ah, who even cares? [Janine is hiding her face]

Boss: Janine, you’ve had a bad attitude all morning. What’s the problem?

Janine: Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just that nobody noticed.

Bowen: Noticed what?

Janine: Nobody noticed I got my eyes replaced. [Janine shows her eyes. It’s like a toy.]

Ego: No, no. Yeah, Janine. We definitely noticed.

Bowen: We had an emergency meeting about it the second you walked in the door.

Boss: Ultimately, we decided that legally it would be just be safest that we pretended we didn’t see it.

Michael: But  since you brought it up, why did you do this, Janine?

Janine: This is ridiculous. Nobody’s asking Luann about why she got a huge fake rack.

Ego: I literally didn’t.

Janine: Oh my god. Good for you.

Boss: Janine, I can’t help but feel you. Like, you’ve made a grave mistake.

Janine: Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s totally reversible. All I have to do is keep my old eyeballs refrigerated. Oh my god! Oh my god, no. Oh my god. I forgot to put my eyeballs in the refrigerator. Oh my god. Oh my god, no. [Janine pulls out her eyes our of her two pockers] They’ve been loose in my pockets for the last 72 hours. Oh my god, no. They’re still god, right? Can you smell them? And tell me if they’re still good. Right? And you guys are smelling them? And they’re good? I can’t see you guys’s reaction right now. I can’t read facial expressions.

Michael: Wait, your eyes are worse now?

Janine: Yes, 100%.

Ego: Then why did you do it?

Janine: To improve my appearance?

Bowen: But it looks worse.

Janine: It does? Oh my god. No!

[Carl walks in]

Carl: Hey, everybody, sorry. I’m late.

Janine: Hey, Carl, what do you think my new eyeballs?

Carl: And I’m going straight to church.

Janine: Guys, come on. Seriously? Let’s focus up, okay? We got a lot of business to take care of. Okay? Hey, how about this? “Denver City of Angels”?

Ego: That’s Los Angeles.

Janine: Oh my God, are you serious? Oh my god, no.

Bowen: Yeah, that’s famously Los Angeles.

Janine: Don’t be mean to me, okay? I can’t cry because the tears go back inside my head, and my brain will drown.

Boss: Your brain will drown? What are you talking about?

Janine: You know what? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Today, you all put a woman’s body on trial.

Michael: You brought it up.

Janine: You know what? I came in this morning with a lot of great pitches. Pitches like “Denver, City of Angels.” “Denver, Keep Austin weird.”

Boss: You know, we can’t use that.

Janine: So I quit. And I’m leaving not in disgrace, but with dignity, elegance and class. I’m gonna be taking my portfolio with me. [grabs some cake]

Bowen: That’s coffee cake.

Janine: And of course, I will also be taking my jacket. [pulls out the curtain] And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you all a Jew. [Janine walks and hits water cooler] Oh, oh my god. Allen. I didn’t know you were in here. You look amazing. See how easy that was? To pay a compliment to a friend?

Boss: Janine, that’s not a human being. That’s a water cooler.

Janine: I’ll leave you all with this. Life comes at you pretty fast. And if you blink, you just might miss it. And me? well, I’m not gonna miss a thing.

Boss: So, “Denver, if you blink, you will miss it.”

Ego: Yeah, I love that one.

Boss: You like that one?

Lets Say Grace

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Carl… Regé-Jean Page

Dale… Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Andrew Dismukes

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Dana… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a family get together]

Aidy: Well, there they are.

[Everyone greeting each other]

Ego: It’s so nice for you all to have us over. This house is lovely.

Carl: Man, look at all this food. You all having a whole football team over?

[everyone laughing]

Aidy: No, no, no. This is just what we do when new neighbors drop by. We act neighborly. So, this is buffet style. Grab a plate and go to town.

Dale: Now, before we dig in, our family usually says a little prayer. Is that okay? Y’all church going people?

Ego: Oh, absolutely.

Kenan: Absolutely. Have been Mr. Sunday since 81.

Dale: Well, that’s good. I’mma get my youngest Charlie to say grace. Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie: Um, okay. Thank you for this food. Bless us as we eat. Amen.

All: Amen.

Aidy: Well, that was really nice. Okay now, we got two kinds of taters and my famous cheese biscuits.

Kenan: Uh, you know what? I hate to keep us from eating, but I feel like that prayer was incomplete.

Ego: Um-hmm, yeah. You know, I don’t feel comfortable eating this food until it is properly blessed. That’s how folks get sick.

Kenan: So, I’ll get my oldest Carl to bless us. Go ahead, Carl.

Carl: Alright. Thank you lord for this beautiful, boundful food. Thank you to those who raised it, picked it, chucked and cleaned it.

Dale: Amen, wonderful.

Carl: I’m not done. Processed it, packaged it, rubbed it, flipped it and reversed it. In the name of the father, the son, the nieces, the nephews, the second cousins. Once removed, twice removed and twice returned.

Ego: Um-hmm, baby, now don’t forget the holy trinity, okay? Earth, wind and fire. Bell Biv Devoe. And the holiest of trinities, the children of destiny, Beyonce, Kelly and I suppose, Michelle.

Punkie: Um, yes. And may the holy ghost greet with a blessed peek-a-boo.

Chris: And lead us not into temptation but deliver us Amazon Prime for free.

All: Amen.

Kenan: Very nice.

Ego: Lovely.

Aidy: Alright. Well, that was a beautiful effort. And hey, if we’re praying like really praying, let’s kick up a notch, huh? So, I’m gonna ask my post-pubescent daughter, Dana, to give us something a little more spirited.

Dana: [angry] Mom!

Aidy: [angry] I said my busty daughter is going to give us something spirited. Now, do what you learned in church camp.

Dana: Argh! Okay, fine! [gets a mic and starts rocking her body. Her brother, mother and father also start rocking their bodies] Alright, let’s get our hand clap going. There we go. There we go.

Jeremiah came down.

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of oil

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jebediah came down

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: With a cask of water

Family: Oh he came down

Dana: Jeremiah, Jebediah, oh, they gotta be in their way. Amen.

Dale: Alright. That’s a prayer.

[Kenan’s family is planning too]

Chris: That was real nice. Real cute now. Yeah.

Kenan: I think we maybe can do a little better. Um-hmm. Bernadeth, it’s time. Bring in the big dogs.

Punkie: The big dogs.

Aidy: Um, wow. Okay.

Charlie: Y’all came prepared.

Dana: Yeah, they don’t teach this at church camp.

[Kenan’s family all have paper fans with gods’ pictures on them]

Kenan: Um-hmm, and we got this here Beats Pill. [pulls out a bluetooth sound speaker]

Dale: Okay. You’re on sound system. Very cool.

[music starts playing]

Kenan: Alright everybody. Raise your hands up for it’s time to pray away what’s on the layer way. Here we go.

Ego: [singing] Now, who gave all the fishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Ego: And washed all your dirty dishes?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Who turned water into wine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: And milk into moonshine?

Family: G-O-D.

Kenan: Break it down now, Dale!

Dale: Who, me? Alright.

[Dale starts to break dance]

All: Go, Dale! Go, Dale!

Kenan: Now, raise your hands in the air
if you want to say a short prayer
and when we bless this food, make it taste real good
somebody say “Oh, yeah!”

All: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Amen…

Natalie’s Rap 2

Interviewer… Beck Bennett

Natalie Portman

Carl… Andy Samberg

[Starts with Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman. Music playing in the background.]

Interviewer: We’re here today with film star Natalie Portman. Natalie, the last time you were here, I heard things got a little out of control.

Natalie Portman: Yeah. Well, I was going through really weird time then. But, I have matured a lot.

Interviewer: Why don’t you fill a scene on what it is like to be you?

Natalie Portman: Okay, you bitch.

Interviewer: I’m sorry, what?

[Music video starts] [rapping] Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman
[bleep] you husband and his best friend just for sport man
you know it’s clickbait, clickbait, clickbait
put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade

Xan is dissolving in my Pino
my man dance but he’s not ballerino
Yeah, he twinkle his toes but
he gives me good D though, wrap a good burrito

Tide pod’s only [bleep] thing I snack on
blackout and go [bleep] Black Swan

Bring on on ayahuasca boy
tell your tourist parents I’mma turn you to a foster boy

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: Wow, I gotta say it seems like you’re almost exactly the same but with current references.

Natalie Portman: Unture. I’m a mother now. It has really changed my perspective.

Interviewer: And do you find it difficult juggling kids in a career?

Natalie Portman: You can juggle these nuts.

Interviewer: What?

Natalie Portman: [rapping] I dance now, I make mommy moves
when I gave birth, I didn’t even push
I was blazed out smoking bomb kush
and when my water broker, you know it drowned the doctor

They say I’m sex positive, hell yeah, I’m positive
that you’re going down while I’m bobbing “My prerogative”

tell me why? Hah! I guess I’m showing my age
now bend over and spread em’ coz you about to get laid–

[The doctor walks in, and immediately he walks out and shuts the door close.] [Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: That’s a good stuff. Now, I have to ask Natalie. Have you seen the new Star Wars movies?

Natalie Portman: No.

Interviewer: Oh. They’re really good. They’re much better than–

Natalie Portman: Better than what?

Interviewer: [bleep] [Cut to the music video. Natalie Portman is pointing a gun at Alex Moffat]

Natalie Portman: Say something ’bout the mother [bleep] prequels, bitch!

Alex: They were good!

Natalie Portman: Say something [bleep] nice about Jar-Jar Binks

Alex: He’s tall?

Natalie Portman: Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks

Alex: What?

Natalie Portman: While I sit dead on your face and take a shit

[Cut to Carl joining Natalie Portman’s music video]

Carl: Oh, Natalie

Natalie Portman: Yeah?

Carl: Please come meet your baby
He cries himself to sleep every night

Natalie Portman: That little shit ain’t mine!

Carl: Oh, Natalie

Natalie Portman: What?

Carl: It’s been twelve long years
And I’m seven days sober, I swear on his life!

Natalie Portman: You’re a mess, Carl

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: Okay, well, that’s all the time we have. Natalie, one last question. Do you think those “Time’s Up” pins have had the impact that you were hoping for?

[Natalie Portman stands and pins the “Time’s Up” pin on Interviewer’s forehead.]

Natalie Portman: How’s that for impact?

Interviewer:Well, actually. [Natalie Portman throws Interviewer out of the window.] oh, no.

Natalie Portman: No more questions

 

Chocolate Droppa’s Listening Party

Chocolate Droppa… Kevin Hart

Harry… Pete Davidson

Roy…Jay Pharoah

Caren… Leslie Jones

Mark… Bobby Moynihan

Carl… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Chocolate Droppa with his friends in the studio]

Chocolate Droppa: Yo! I just want to thank you all for coming to my listening party, man! It means a lot to me, you know that? Finally finished my first album. I’ma be honest man, I couldn’t have done it without my crew.

Harry: Yo, we love you Jamiel!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: No, no, no! Yo, yo, yo, yo! Drop the Jamiel stuff, y’all. It’s Chocolate Droppa now, man! That’s my name. I came up with it yesterday. Y’all like it?

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Ha-ha-ha. Sort of.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Well, listen. Before I play this song, man, I just really want y’all to know that you guys, was the inspiration for this track. You know what I’m sayin? You’re my crew. I got you back, man!

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Ah, man! Respect, dawg!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! Look, I got the hook already but I really ain’t laid down vocals yet. So, what I’ma do is, I’ma sing the song live for y’all man.

[Chocolate Droppa’s friends clap for him] [Cut to Royand Caren]

Caren: Alright. Let’s hear that thang!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Yeah! Ay, look. Buckle up. Let me tell you something. Droppa’s about to spit it, you hear me? Alright, ay! [Cut to everybody] I’ma about to set it all for you, alright? [Chocolate Droppa plays the beat] [rapping] Here I go, all day, let’s get ready, let’s go
pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
coz I’m shooting at everybody
pew-pew pop-pop gunshot sounds

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Yo! That hook is super hard bro!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! It ain’t even started yet! Watch, yo!

here it go
I’m tight with my crew
we tell each other everything
I know all their secrets
so here’s a song about their secrets

[Cut to Harry looking confused]

Harry: Wait, what?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! Uh!
first up, let me tell you about my boy Mark

[Cut to Mark looking confused]

Mark: Maybe don’t!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Uh! Uh! Yo! Yo!
Mark ain’t paid his taxes in ten years
owe the government about thirty thou
pow-pow
if convicted he could do up to ten
in the pen pow-pow-pow

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Come on, man!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Let’s go!
pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
coz I’m shooting at everybody
pew-pew gunshot sounds
Yo! Next up is Carl. Here we go. Let’s go, uh!
Carl got the herps the lip kind
he tried to cover it with lipstick
but we all know it’s there Carl

[Cut to Carl covering his mouth.]

Carl: I din’t know what he’s talking about.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa:

pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
yeah! uh! Harry! Harry!
Here it come! Harry, here it come!
Harry is a Muslim but he eat pork

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: That’s not true.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah, yeah, yeah
he popped gummy bears all day all day
gummy bears have gelatin
and gelatin come from pig
that’s pork! you didn’t know that, did you?
dumb bitch!

[cut to Harry. He spits the gummy bears out.]

Harry: Why didn’t anybody tell me?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Yeah! Gun shots, what? Gun shots, what? Uh!

[music stops] [cut to everybody]

Yo! Yeah! Yeah! Yo, y’all thought I was finished, didn’t y’all?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Nope!

[music playing]

pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
Yo! Saving the best for last
Caren- Caren- Caren- Caren
Caren and Roy accidentally killed Steve
they think nobody know, I know
they don’t wanna get in trouble
now, it’s a “Weekend at Bernie’s(1989)”

[Cut to Royand Caren. Steve is sitting on sofa in front of them wearing sunglasses.]

Roy: Come on, man! [Royand Caren are holding Steve’s hands and waving them.] He good! He good! Man, look at him.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Pop-pop, pop-pop!

Yo! I love my friends, man! I love y’all. So, what did y’all think? It’s fire, right?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa’s friends. The’re pointing guns at Chocolate Droppa.]

Wait a minute. Hold on now. Wait, what’s going on? Wait, what part of the song made y’all mad?

[gun shot sounds] [cheers and applause]

Cut for Time: College Admissions | Season 44 Episode 16

Debra… Sandra Oh

Conchoclin… Aidy Bryant

Carl… Chris Redd

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clip of a College]

Cecily Strong: All right guys. As you know, we’re down to the wire. We’ve got to make final decisions [Cut to college admissions meeting] about who gets off the weight list to join the class of 2023.

Carl: Man, [Cut to Carl and Heidi] there are so many qualified candidates but only so few spots.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: I know, it’s like my bumble account. Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan Thompson: What?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: We’re looking to admit about five more students and in some of the embarrassing news stories out there, let’s be extra careful with our choices.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: We have to make sure it’s all about merit.

Carl: I agree.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, so out first applicant on wait-list is Luisa Rodriguez. [The screen behind Cecily shows Luisa’s picture]  Now her test scores are slightly lower than we like, but her essay are grades are outstanding.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, then I like Luisa a lot.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yes, me too.

Cecily Strong: Okay, we also have [Cut to Cecily Strong]  Johnny Ferrigno. [The screen behind Cecily shows Johnny’s picture] He is Lou Ferrigno’s grandson.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, let’s do that.

Heidi Gardner: I agree. He Hollywood. He fun.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And I love the idea that Lou Ferrigno might just like, show up on campus one day.  So cool.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Now, his grades were a little low.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Yeah, but when you’re famous like Johnny Ferrigno, people come up to you during test and ask for autographs and selfies. It’s very distracting.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Great. Okay! one down, four to go. Next step is [The screen behind Cecily shows Jackie’s picture] Jackie Keebler, heir to the Keebler Elf’f fortune.

[Cut to everybody]

Carl: She looks qualified to me.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: I agree. Very studious and studi-anxious.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: And I could see her dating Jerry Ferrigno.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Oh, that would be amazing. The could have their wedding here.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, now, Jackie did have a 2.5 GPA and her only extra curricular was snails.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, but I can tell from the hand holding money that she has a solid business acumen. [Cut to Debra and Kenan] And no one else in the incoming class is focused on snails.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Very true. Snails are weak spot for us.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, great! Two spots filled.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: I do still love Luisa though.

Debra: Luisa is amazing.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Should we keep her in the mix?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: No.

Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  So, next step, we have Luke Geofferys whose math SAT score was very low, but then he submitted [The screen behind Cecily shows Luke’s face photoshopped in Stephin Hawkin’s picture] this photo of himself solving a high level physics equation.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: And are we sure that’s really him?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, unfortunately we have no way of determining whether it’s really him or not.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And his last name is Geofferys? Any relation to the Giraffe?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: The fictional giraffe from Toys R Us?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Oh, that could be a big donation.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, Toys R Us is currently bankrupt, so I would say a donation from their cartoon giraffe is highly unlikely.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well you could also replace our current mascot, the gay redskin.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Oh, it’s gonna be so sad to lose Chief. Oh no, he didn’t.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, sounds like Luke is a yes.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Big time! Big time.

Heidi Gardner: Okay, and I know I’m not supposed to say this about the applicants, but would bang.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay. And next step is Kevin Willet.

[Cut to everybody]

Debra: Huh? That appears to be a mug shot.

Cecily Strong: Yes, it is. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  Kevin is currently in juvenile detention for stabbing two of his friends. But he is the fourth generation legacy.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, I like that.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, and he’s probably got all the stabbing out of his system.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Well, he sounds like a more exciting version of Luisa.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Yeah, yeah. Luisa hasn’t stabbed anyone yet and I’m starting to that about her.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: And listen to her essay. “I would be the first person in my family to go to college.” It’s not a race!

Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  It sounds like we’re admitting Kevin. So, we’re down two spots.

[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin walks in.]

Conchoclin: Well, I got them for you.

Cecily Strong: Excuse me?

[Cut to Conchoclin, walks to the screen.]

Conchoclin: Yeah. I am coach Conchochlin. I run the women’s crew team. [Cut to everybody] And I have got a couple of primal recruits that you would want to admit asap.

Cecily Strong: Uh-huh. And do we have their applications?

Conchoclin: Oh, you sure do. Throw Madisson Wigles Worth on there.

[Cut to Cecily and Conchoclin. Screen behind them shows Madisson’s picture.]

Cecily Strong: This is our rower?

Conchoclin: Oh, yeah. She’s got a perfect built. 5’1″, 98 pounds, tiny hollow bird bones. I mean she’s liable to rip in or lock.

Cecily Strong: Now, looks like she’s riding a horse.

Conchoclin: Yeah, exactly. So that’s a land boat, is what we call that. And you know, I’ve also been scouting another top-notch gal lady bird Dwayne Reed. [Screen behind them shows Dwame’s picture] Now she’s been rowing up and down the rivers of Beverly Hills.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: And are we confident that’s not a boy in a wig?

[Cut to Cecily and conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Well, I’ve never seen a boy in a wig look that hot.

Cecily Strong: Okay, coach Conchoclin, is it?

[Cut to Conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Conchoclin, yes. My mother is German and my dad is Count Chocula.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Wonderful. Okay, I’m sorry but I have to ask, were you in anyway paid by these girls’ families to lie about them to be elite athletes?

[Cut to Conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Oh, absolutely not. And I resent that accusation. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drive home in the actual bat-mobile which I purchased on a normal female crew coach salary, Conchoclin out!

[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin leaves the room.]

Cecily Strong: Okay, and our last applicant, Alice Fong.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Okay, guys, can I just as something? I’m sure Alice is great! But do you ever feel like we’re admitting too many Asian students? [Kenan tries to ignore the question] [Cut to Carl and Heidi. They are also trying to ignore the question] [Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Is this a trap? Is this a trap?

Debra: No, no, no! I’m serious. Alice has great grades and all, but do you guys think her personality is interesting enough?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Why are you doing this to us Debra?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And what’s with her face? Right? You can’t tell what she’s thinking. It’s like all these Asians are, um, what’s the word?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Sneaky?

Debra: Ah-hah! [Cut to Debra and Kenan. Debra stands and shows her police badge.] Admissions police. You’re all under arrest.

Kenan Thompson: Damn it! Damn it, Carl. She was undercover.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Wow, you mean this whole time she wasn’t Asian?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Wait! What?

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing] [Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot] [Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing] [Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]