Cut for Time: College Admissions | Season 44 Episode 16

Debra… Sandra Oh

Conchoclin… Aidy Bryant

Carl… Chris Redd

Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clip of a College]

Cecily Strong: All right guys. As you know, we’re down to the wire. We’ve got to make final decisions [Cut to college admissions meeting] about who gets off the weight list to join the class of 2023.

Carl: Man, [Cut to Carl and Heidi] there are so many qualified candidates but only so few spots.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: I know, it’s like my bumble account. Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan Thompson: What?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: We’re looking to admit about five more students and in some of the embarrassing news stories out there, let’s be extra careful with our choices.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: We have to make sure it’s all about merit.

Carl: I agree.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, so out first applicant on wait-list is Luisa Rodriguez. [The screen behind Cecily shows Luisa’s picture]  Now her test scores are slightly lower than we like, but her essay are grades are outstanding.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, then I like Luisa a lot.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yes, me too.

Cecily Strong: Okay, we also have [Cut to Cecily Strong]  Johnny Ferrigno. [The screen behind Cecily shows Johnny’s picture] He is Lou Ferrigno’s grandson.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, let’s do that.

Heidi Gardner: I agree. He Hollywood. He fun.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And I love the idea that Lou Ferrigno might just like, show up on campus one day.  So cool.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Now, his grades were a little low.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Yeah, but when you’re famous like Johnny Ferrigno, people come up to you during test and ask for autographs and selfies. It’s very distracting.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Great. Okay! one down, four to go. Next step is [The screen behind Cecily shows Jackie’s picture] Jackie Keebler, heir to the Keebler Elf’f fortune.

[Cut to everybody]

Carl: She looks qualified to me.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: I agree. Very studious and studi-anxious.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: And I could see her dating Jerry Ferrigno.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Oh, that would be amazing. The could have their wedding here.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, now, Jackie did have a 2.5 GPA and her only extra curricular was snails.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, but I can tell from the hand holding money that she has a solid business acumen. [Cut to Debra and Kenan] And no one else in the incoming class is focused on snails.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Very true. Snails are weak spot for us.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay, great! Two spots filled.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: I do still love Luisa though.

Debra: Luisa is amazing.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Should we keep her in the mix?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: No.

Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  So, next step, we have Luke Geofferys whose math SAT score was very low, but then he submitted [The screen behind Cecily shows Luke’s face photoshopped in Stephin Hawkin’s picture] this photo of himself solving a high level physics equation.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: And are we sure that’s really him?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, unfortunately we have no way of determining whether it’s really him or not.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And his last name is Geofferys? Any relation to the Giraffe?

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: The fictional giraffe from Toys R Us?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Oh, that could be a big donation.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, Toys R Us is currently bankrupt, so I would say a donation from their cartoon giraffe is highly unlikely.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well you could also replace our current mascot, the gay redskin.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Oh, it’s gonna be so sad to lose Chief. Oh no, he didn’t.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Well, sounds like Luke is a yes.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Big time! Big time.

Heidi Gardner: Okay, and I know I’m not supposed to say this about the applicants, but would bang.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Okay. And next step is Kevin Willet.

[Cut to everybody]

Debra: Huh? That appears to be a mug shot.

Cecily Strong: Yes, it is. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  Kevin is currently in juvenile detention for stabbing two of his friends. But he is the fourth generation legacy.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, I like that.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Yeah, and he’s probably got all the stabbing out of his system.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Well, he sounds like a more exciting version of Luisa.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Yeah, yeah. Luisa hasn’t stabbed anyone yet and I’m starting to that about her.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: And listen to her essay. “I would be the first person in my family to go to college.” It’s not a race!

Cecily Strong: Okay. [Cut to Cecily Strong]  It sounds like we’re admitting Kevin. So, we’re down two spots.

[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin walks in.]

Conchoclin: Well, I got them for you.

Cecily Strong: Excuse me?

[Cut to Conchoclin, walks to the screen.]

Conchoclin: Yeah. I am coach Conchochlin. I run the women’s crew team. [Cut to everybody] And I have got a couple of primal recruits that you would want to admit asap.

Cecily Strong: Uh-huh. And do we have their applications?

Conchoclin: Oh, you sure do. Throw Madisson Wigles Worth on there.

[Cut to Cecily and Conchoclin. Screen behind them shows Madisson’s picture.]

Cecily Strong: This is our rower?

Conchoclin: Oh, yeah. She’s got a perfect built. 5’1″, 98 pounds, tiny hollow bird bones. I mean she’s liable to rip in or lock.

Cecily Strong: Now, looks like she’s riding a horse.

Conchoclin: Yeah, exactly. So that’s a land boat, is what we call that. And you know, I’ve also been scouting another top-notch gal lady bird Dwayne Reed. [Screen behind them shows Dwame’s picture] Now she’s been rowing up and down the rivers of Beverly Hills.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: And are we confident that’s not a boy in a wig?

[Cut to Cecily and conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Well, I’ve never seen a boy in a wig look that hot.

Cecily Strong: Okay, coach Conchoclin, is it?

[Cut to Conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Conchoclin, yes. My mother is German and my dad is Count Chocula.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Wonderful. Okay, I’m sorry but I have to ask, were you in anyway paid by these girls’ families to lie about them to be elite athletes?

[Cut to Conchoclin]

Conchoclin: Oh, absolutely not. And I resent that accusation. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drive home in the actual bat-mobile which I purchased on a normal female crew coach salary, Conchoclin out!

[Cut to everybody. Conchoclin leaves the room.]

Cecily Strong: Okay, and our last applicant, Alice Fong.

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Okay, guys, can I just as something? I’m sure Alice is great! But do you ever feel like we’re admitting too many Asian students? [Kenan tries to ignore the question] [Cut to Carl and Heidi. They are also trying to ignore the question] [Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Is this a trap? Is this a trap?

Debra: No, no, no! I’m serious. Alice has great grades and all, but do you guys think her personality is interesting enough?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Heidi Gardner: Why are you doing this to us Debra?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: And what’s with her face? Right? You can’t tell what she’s thinking. It’s like all these Asians are, um, what’s the word?

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Sneaky?

Debra: Ah-hah! [Cut to Debra and Kenan. Debra stands and shows her police badge.] Admissions police. You’re all under arrest.

Kenan Thompson: Damn it! Damn it, Carl. She was undercover.

[Cut to Carl and Heidi]

Carl: Wow, you mean this whole time she wasn’t Asian?

[Cut to Debra and Kenan]

Debra: Wait! What?

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing] [Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot] [Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing] [Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]