FOX & Friends: Syrian Refugee Crisis Cold Open

Steve Doocey… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Hasselback… Vanessa Bayer

Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan

Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Carla… Leslie Jones

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching & friends.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian in their set]

Steve: Hello and welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocey and with me is usual Elizabeth Hasselback and Brian Kilmeade

Elizabeth: Hey there.

Brian: Good morning.

Steve: Well, we are less than a week away from the big turkey day.

Elizabeth: That’s right. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, hey, no need to be politically correct. You can just say it the old fashioned way. “Happy thanksgiving, Jesus.”

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, the refugee situation over in the middle east may be even worse than we previously thought.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: That’s right. Look at this footage we at FOX have just obtained of a crazed mob of Syrian refugees flooding over our borders into this country.

[Cut to a chaotic video of people getting in a store]

Steve: Look at it, it’s chaos. There’s no screening. They’re just walking into that Walmart. They’re just taking anything they like.

[Cut to Steve. He is listening to his earpiece.]

Okay, I’m being told that’s not actually footage of refugees. It’s Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I think the point’s still stands.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: By the way, why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday? I’m just gonna come out and say it, all Fridays matter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: True. Very, very true. And with millions fleeing from ISIS, there has been plenty of debate over whether the US should allow any refugees in from Syria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, well, Syria has been nothing but good to me. Helps me all the time. [Brian takes his iPhone out and talks to Siri] Hey Syria, locate nearest bathroom.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, one person who seems just fine with the Syrians coming into this country is democratic national committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz who joins us now.

[Cut to Debbie in her office]

Debbie: Thank you Steve. Sorry I couldn’t be there but if I wanted crap shoved down my throat I’d be a fuagra goose.

[Cut to split screen of Elizabeth and Debbie]

Elizabeth: Schultz, you don’t think there should be more screening for refugees?

Debbie: Elizabeth, I’m from Florida. We’re full of refugees. We have Cubans escaping communism. We got Guatemalans escaping drug cartels. And we got old people escaping winter. That’s a Wasserman Schultz original.

[Steve appears in place of Elizabeth]

Steve: But Mr.s Schultz, I mean these are dangerous people.

Debbie: Oh, my god. You people and your genophobia. You make me so nuts. [Cut to Debbie] You know, when I wake up in the morning my hair is stick straight. Then I tune in for FOX news and it curls itself.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: But you must agree with senator Marco Rubio that it’s not that we aren’t compassionate, we just want to be safe.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Marco Rubio, huh? You need to tell that grown up alien Gonzalez to shut the hell up. Look, if the red states won’t take these refugees, I will. We’ll all live in one big house and they’ll make a reality show about it. 19,000 Syrians in counting. Wasserman Schultz out.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Well, Mrs. Schultz isn’t the only one with an opinion on the refugee situation.

Elizabeth: That’s right. [Cut to Elizabeth] many presidential candidates have also wayed in.] We have one of the leading contenders here with us tonight. Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Straight out of Compton.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no, no, Brian! That’s the wrong black doctor. You’re thinking of Dr. Dre. Hello Dr. Carson.

[Cut to Ben in his office]

Ben: Hello everyone. My apologies if I already seem agitated but I am just revved up about this. I would ask the views at home to turn their volume down because I might get crazy.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: Now doctor, you yourself have said we should carefully screen everyone coming into this country. Do you have a plan that would separate Muslims from Christian refugees.

Ben: Well, weeding out the Islamic would be simple. [Cut to Ben] First we’d say, “You can’t come into this country until I see you eat a bacon while singing a Christmas Carol.” Or all refugees will be given mad libs with a phrase, “Death to blank.” Anyone who writes America won’t be allowed inside America.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: Now, president Obama has decided to lead from behind on this. Isn’t that dangerous?

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Absolutely. Extremists are entering this country everyday. I mean, open your eyes president Obama. It’s enough to make me wanna flip my top.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: I gotta say Dr. Carson, you seem pretty calm sir.

Ben: Oh, I’m like a koala bear. On the outside I may seem nice but on the inside, I’ve never held elected office.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You know what? Why don’t we take a break. But before we do go, let’s check in with our FOX news fact checker. Carla, how did we do?

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Bad! Y’all gonna have me up all night.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Fair enough, Carla. We’ll see you after the break and…

Steve, Elizabeth and Brian: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Air Plane Performance

Becca… Amy Schumer

Carla… Venessa Bayer

Mark… Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of DELTA airlines flying]

Becca: Okay folks. [Cut to inside the plane.] We’ve reached our cruising altitude but when seated, we ask that you keep your seat belt fastened. In a moment, we’ll begin our complimentary beverage and snacks service.

Carla: Our recent survey in Delta magazine placed Delta as the third most fun airline and that is something to sing about.

Becca: Hit the jam, DJ.

[music playing]

Carla: [singing] Tell em’ what they want, what they really, really want

Becca: I’ll tell what they want, what they really, really want

Carla: They wanna, they wanna, they wanna, they wanna

Becca: What they really, really, really want is to have a nice flight.

Carla: If you’re feeling hungry, we’ve got great snacks

Becca: If you wanna buy a headset, we’ll be coming right back
So tell em’ what they want, what they really, really want

Carla: I’ll tell what they want, what they really, really want

[As Carla dances while singing, she mistakenly opens the airplane door and gets sucked out.] [Everybody in the plane are screaming.] [Mark comes in, screams and goes back.] [Carla is still hanging by the airplane door] [Becca pulls Carla in and closes the door] [Carla is horrified]

Becca: Are you okay? Oh, my god!

Carla: I swallowed so much air.

Becca: Oh, my god. Sit down. Oh, my god.

Carla: I’m fine. I’m fine.

Becca: Carla, you were just outside the plane. What do you need?

Carla: All I need is to finish the announcement song that we worked so hard on in my garage. Folks, as you can see I am fine. So, on with the jam.

[music playing]

So, here’s the story from us to you
to have a great flight, you gotta know your flight crew
you got Becca up front, she’s the best
Mark in the back,
[yelling] I was outside the plane.

[Becca takes the microphone from Carla]

Becca: Turn the music off, Mark. Mark!

[music stops]

Carla: I was out there and then I was in the sky. And then I saw myself as a little girl.

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Carla, Carla, are you okay?

Carla: Get away, Mark!

Becca: You did nothing, useless Mark.

Carla: Mark!

Becca: Mark!

Carla: Mark!

[Becca picks up the mic]

Becca: Ladies and gentlemen, Mark did nothing. And also, please do not be afraid of using the forward restroom because of the door. It is secure now. It is locked. [Becca walks to the door] As you can see, you can knock on it. You can lean on it like, “Hello fella, how you’re doing?”

[When Becca leans on the door, it opens and Becca falls off this time.]

Carla: Oh, my god!

[Carla runs to get Becca. Becca is hanging on the door.] [Mark just comes in, screams and goes back.] [Carla pushes Becca away on her head and closes the door.] [Carla picks up the mic]

Carla: Um, I couldn’t pull her, okay? The passengers have to come first. So, you all saw there was nothing I could do.

[Cut to Kenan sitting in the plane. Becca is looking through the window by Kenan’s side.]

Kenan: Ma’am, that woman is right there holding on real hard.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Go to the door. Go to the door. Okay folks, everything’s going to be fine. And because it is inconvenience, you can all watch San Andres for free. So, anyway, you guys pretty pumped to go Milwaukee?

[Cut to Becca looking through the door window]

Okay, okay. Here we go. Hold on one sec.

[Carla walks to the door and opens it and pulls Becca in] [Becca is making noise]

Becca: Carla! Oh, my god, was I out there for a full year?

Carla: I closed the door on you.

Becca: I know. Shut up, Carla. We’ll deal with it later.

Carla: I left you out there.

Becca:

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Ladies, ladies, both of you sit down. Please, please. I’ve got this. Please, both of you.

[Becca and Carla sit down]

Just rest.

[Mark grabs the mic]

Folks, I am so sorry about all of this. What do you say we get this flight back on track? Huh? And speaking of track, hit it.

[music playing] [singing] I’m giving you everything

[Cut to Becca, Carla and Kenan sitting together. They are loving Mark’s performance.]

all the drinks you need

[The End]