Hillary Clinton Addresses Her Losing Streak Cold Open

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Hillary Clinton message announcement.]

Male voice: And now, a message from Hillary Clinton following her recent string of losses.

[Cut to 1 sitting on a sofa]

Speaker 1: [laughing] Hello, America. It’s true, I have not been winning as of light. In fact, I have not won a state in almost three weeks because that was the plan. I didn’t wanna win those so I didn’t. It doesn’t bother me one bit. I’m not rattled. Like the old ones say, you win some, you — bleh! Excuse me. You lea– sorry. You win some, you lea– some. Close enough. Besides, who can remember how many states I’ve lost in a row? Is it two? Is it three?

[2 walks in]

Speaker 2: Hey, Mrs. Clinton. I’m here to fix seven holes in your wall.

[2 walks by]

Speaker 1: Come to think of it, it might be seven. And that’s fantastic. It humanizes me. I’m the underdog now. I’m this selection’s Rudy. And I like that. After all, I don’t want to be a big old B and win every single state. That’s no fun. But enough about the past. It’s time to look forward to the future. And right now, my focus is here in New York. God, I love being back in the fat apple, my home stage. Except for Illinois and Arkansas, but they  already voted for me so we cool, we cool. And gosh, New York has been cold this week, hasn’t it? In fact my head is getting a little chilly. I better put on my favorite hat that I’ve worn so many times over the years. [1 pulls out a NY cap and wears it] Here we go. That will keep me warm while I eat my favorite dinner, a classic New York city street hotdog. [1 pretends like she’s eating a hotdog] What a delicious bite that was. And for dessert, all you New Yorkers know that I am just nuts for Nuts. And later tonight, I’m gonna take in that hot new broadway show that’s got all of NYC a buzz, Chicago. But you know what my favorite part about New York is? The subway. I love to ride it. I am comfortable riding it. In fact, here’s me using it earlier today.

[Cut to video clip of 1 in the subway]

The New York City subway is the best way to get around. [she is not familiar with how the metro card works.] I guess it’s been a while. This isn’t working, metro card. I’ll just go in the old fashioned way. [She climbs over] I’ll take a cab. Cab is the best way to get around.

[Cut back to 1 sitting on a sofa]

So see New Yorkers? I’m just like all of you. I never sleep. I’m in a hurry to get to work. When I’m running, I really hate it when a slow old jew gets in my way.

[alarm beeping]

Oh, there is my alarm. Time to turn my hat around. Here we go. Oh, god. I love those New York meats. So to all of my supporters here in New York, please remember to get out there next Tuesday and cast your vote for me. And to all of you young people in New York, let me say this. Funny is for nerds. I mean, who cares? Just leap in. I’m sure you’re all hungover from your templar parties anyway. And to Suzan Sarandon who said Trump might better for America than me, why don’t you take Tuesday to go driver off another cliff? Now listen, I know Bernie may be tempting some of you. He’s honest, she’s shouted as it is, and even a cute little bird landed on his podium that one time, that was politics for all day. But guess what? I’ve got a winged friend of my own.

[1 pulls out a raven from the back]

She is the three-eyed raven from the Game of Thrones. And her message is clear. If you don’t vote for me on April nineteenth, winter is coming. [1 throws the raven away] And finally everyone, I know this week, a pesky little you know what, said I wasn’t qualified to be president, but here’s the truth. I would be the strongest candidate to go up against Donald Trump face to face, or go up against Ted Cruz face to whatever it is you call that up there. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Aron’s List

Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Pete Davidson

George… Bobby Moynihan

Terry… Jay Pharoah

Plumber… Beck Bennett

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

Piano Tuner…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Vanessa looking at the laptop]

Male voice: Shopping online is as easy as it gets. Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners was just as simple? Now it is, with Aron’s list. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone from a handy man to a house cleaner.

Vanessa: Like Angie’s List?

Male voice: Sure! Except we offer prices 30% lower than our competitors.

Vanessa: Wow, where do you find these guys, Aron?

Male voice: Oh, I’m not Aron. Aron’s stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolent Sex offenders.

[Cut to Vanessa looking at the plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner.

Vanessa: What?

Male voice: Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender. That’s why, Aron’s list only features nonviolent individuals who committed low level sexual misdemeanors. Like, streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind.

Vanessa: Huh! So, do you have lawn specialist?

[Cut to Dan, Lawn Care Specialist at the lawn]

Dan: I’m sorry and I’m ready to work.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What about janitors for my small business?

[Cut to George, Janitor with his mop]

George: There are literally thousands of us.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Even dog walkers?

[Cut to Terry, Dog Walker]

Terry: I’ll do it

Male voice: And they’ll always be up front about their offenses.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: I exposed myself on a jumbotron. Ha-ha. Take that kiss-cam!

[Cut to George]

George: I peed on all the file cabinets marked P.

[Cut to Vanessa with plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner in her house]

Vanessa: Wow, where have you guys been all my life?

Plumber: Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway.

[Everybody laughing, while carpenter takes a picture of Vanessa’s under skirt using a selfie stick.]

Male voice: Aron’s list.  Because the real crime is high prices.