Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett
Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond
Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah
Bernie Sanders… Larry David[Starts with CNN America’s choice 2016] [Cut to Jake in his set]
Jake: Hello, I’m Jake Tapper, and if you google me, you’ll see me in a t-shirt. But first, another big endorsement for Donald Trump as former rival Ben Carson has agreed to throw his support to the businessman. We go now to Florida where Trump has just taken the stage.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Thank you. My guest today so tremendous. Dr. Ben Carson is a very special man. And for once I don’t mean that as an insult to the mentally challenged. Why don’t you come out here, Ben. Come on.[Ben Carson walks in]
Ben Carson: I am so thrilled to be here today. I am positively turned. Yes, Donald and I are very different. We’re like night and day, ebony and orangy. And sure, we’ve had our– you know, we’ve had our polite disagreements. I question his knowledge on healthcare and he called me a psycho and a child molester.
Donald Trump: Hey, in my defense, he’s a pretty creepy dude. I mean look at this guy. He looks like he drives a hollowed out ice-cream truck.
Ben Carson: What my point is, I have learned there are two Donald Trumps. There’s the man you see every night on stage for eight months, guy who calls people losers and brags about his penis. But there’s also the friendly man I had breakfast with earlier today for 10 minutes. He gave me a muffin.
Donald Trump: Okay, that’s enough for now. Let’s get this guy a juice box and a nap.
Ben Carson: Bye, America. It’s been weird.[Ben Carson walks away] [Cut to Jake]
Jake: And there it is. Turning now to the democrats, Bernie Sanders pulled up a huge up set in Michigan this week. Joining us now via satellite from his hotel room in Illinois is senator Bernie Sanders.[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes, yes. Hello. Good for me, Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Presidential Candidate.[Cut to split screen]
Jake: Congratulations on your big win in Michigan, senator.
Bernie Sanders: Thank you, Tapper. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I want to thank everyone who voted for me and apologize to everyone else for making your Facebook feed so, so annoying. I mean, I love my supporters. But they’re too much, right? I’m great, but I’m not five posts a day great. With all due respect to my supporters, get a life.[Cut to Jake]
Jake: Now, how do you think you pulled out such an up set victory?[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Well Tapper, I spent a lot of time in Michigan. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but they give you ten cents for recycled cans. I made a fortune.[Cut to split screen]
Jake: Now senator, you may have won Michigan but Hillary still leads you in both delegate and super delegates.
Bernie Sanders: Can I ask you something? What’s a super delegate? Who calls themselves that? It’s so cocky! [Cut to Bernie Sanders] They walk around like they’re such big shots. “Oh! I beg your pardon Mr. Super Delegate.” Let me tell you something, I’ve met some of these super delegates. They’re not so super. Mediocre delegates is more like it.[Cut to Jake]
Jake: But senator, many think you need these super delegates to win the nomination.[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Not true. No, not true. I have the voters. My message is resonating with a very diverse group of white people. And I’ve got supporters of all ages. 18 year olds, 19 year olds. That’s it. The young people love me, Tapper. Because I’m like them. I got a lot of big plans and absolutely no idea how to achieve them.[Cut to Jake]
Jake: But, you’re still struggling with the minorities. Why do you think African Americans aren’t voting for you?[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Probably because I look like someone who at some point told them, “Get out of my store.”[Cut to split screen]
Jake: And finally senator, Florida vote’s on Tuesday, but you haven’t spent much time there.
Bernie Sanders: Can you blame me? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] Who wants to spend time in Florida? The only reason you go to Florida is if your sister calls and says, “Mom’s dead, we gotta go to Florida.”[Cut to Jake]
Jake: Alright. Thank you senator. Alright, breaking news right now. We’re getting word now of yet another incident of violence at Donald Trump rally. Apparently the victim was this man, Dr. Ben Carson, who was attacked moments ago by an angry mob that mistook him for a protestor. We go there now.[Cut to Donald Trump and Ben Carson. Ben Carson is holding a raw steak over his eye.]
Ben Carson: It’s okay. I’m fine.
Donald Trump: Guys! What did I say? Not this one! This is one of the good ones! [to Ben] I’m sorry, Ben.
Ben Carson: Hey, they’re just lucky I don’t have my knife on me. I’ve been known to cut a bitch.
Donald Trump: Don’t worry. We’ve got a very classy Trump steak on his eye. And to the media, please don’t use this as an excuse to call me racist.
Ben Carson: Donald’s actually got a lot of black friends. Omarosa, Dennis Rodman.
Donald Trump: The list goes on.
Ben Carson: Mike Tyson.
Donald Trump: The list ends.[Cut to Jake]
Jake: Quite a scene. Now, let’s check back in with senator Bernie Sanders.[Cut to split screen. Bernie Sanders is on his pajamas getting ready for bed holding a toothbrush.]
Bernie Sanders: What? No! No! Get out of here. Don’t cut back to me. Get away.
Jake: Senator, are you in your pajamas?[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Of course I’m in pajamas. It’s bed time you idiot! You said you were finished. So I got in pajamas.[Cut to Jake]
Jake: How did you change so fast?[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: I always wear them under my suit. That’s why my suits are so baggy. Now please, if you don’t mind, Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!