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Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with video clips of a fancy party.] [Cut to a beautiful woman and her man]

Male voice: You love her. You cherish her. But let’s face it, she’s a lot.

Vanessa: I can’t eat anything here.

[Cut to Vanessa walks to three women and talks with them. Beck is with her.]

Male voice: Because she is provocative. Because she’s magnetic. Because there’s always something.

Vanessa: There’s nobody good here. [The other women are looking at her angrily]

Male voice: You’d give her the sun, the moon and the starts. But for now, give her something to distract her. [Beck pulls out a jewelry box and opens it to Vanessa. There’s a diamond fidget spinner inside.] Cartier presents the diamond-encrusted fidget spinner. 14 karat gold embedded with princess cut diamonds. Designed to calm her because she “has anxietiy.”

Vanessa: [spinning the fidget spinner] So fast!

Male voice: You do you and her do that.

Vanessa: I’m balancing it.

[Cut to Vanessa walks to Aidy and talks to her]

Male voice: She’s vivacious. She’s feisty. She told you she’s thinking of opening a restaurant and you’re like, “I guess.” Give her something to focus on because let’s face it, she’s been reading ‘The Goldfinch’ for two years. She litters. She has to take cabs because her Uber rating is so low. When she’s around gay men, it’s exactly how you think it would be. And you know she is a completely different person with her family.

Vanessa: [talking on phone in kid’s voice] Hi, daddy.

Male voice: Intriguing. Addictive. A way to pass the time. I’m talking about the fidget spinner.

Vanessa: [to Beck] Hey, can we go? I’m really sick.

Beck: Okay.

Male voice: Cartier fidget spinner. Because, god, the sex is good!