Linda… Cecily Strong
Cat in the hat… Bill Hader
Thing 2… Taran Killam[Starts with a clip of a house at a raining night]
Linda: Why are you filled with dismay? [Cut to inside the house] You should go out and enjoy this fine day.[Cut to Aidy and Pete]
Aidy: It’s been raining, dear mother. As long as we’ve known.
Pete: We are bored, sweet mother. Bored to the bone.
Aidy: I want someone to play with. Someone who’s fun.
Pete: Perhaps, if we imagine, we’ll find the one.[door knocking] [Cut to everybody. Cat walks in the door.]
Cat: Hello, little kiddies. A-rada-tac-tac,
f you haven’t put it together, I’m the cat in the hat.
Linda: Cat, what are you doing here?[Cut to Cat]
Cat: Linda? My god! You look good.[Cut to Aidy and Pete]
Pete: Mommy, what’s going on?
Aidy: You know the cat guy?[Cut to Linda and Cat]
Linda: Yes. No. I met him before.
Cat: Met? Well, that’s what we call it now?
Linda: Okay, I think maybe you should leave.[Cut to Aidy and Pete]
Aidy: No, Mr. Cat, we don’t want you to go. Can you please stay and put on a fun show?[Cut to everybody]
Cat: Show? Yeah! Sure.[Cat starts speaking funny]
I always appear when children are sad,
so tell me young kiddies, where is your dad?[Cut to Cat. He starts questioning] Like, does he live here? Is he still here? [Cut to Linda]
Linda: You know what? He’s at work. He is reliable. I don’t have to say a rhyme to make him come home.[Cut to Aidy and Pete]
Pete: Do some tricks![Cut to everybody]
Cat: Wait, you want tricks. Yeah! Sure. You like juggling?
Cat: [speaking funnily] I can juggle with this.
I can juggle with fish
I can juggle with this
I can–[Cat jumps and stops near a picture]
You cut me out of this picture? That makes sense, but it’s hard to see.[Cut to Linda]
Linda: Yeah, um, maybe it’d be better if you’d just go.[Cut to Cat, Aidy and Pete]
Pete: He can’t leave.
Cat: They’re right. I literally can’t leave because they imagined me.[Cut to everybody]
Linda: Great! Okay, so here we are!
Cat: No, no. Look, look, I didn’t plan on this.[Cat goes near to Linda] [Cut to Linda and Cat]
I mean– You got an eyelash.[Cat picks Linda’s eyelashes]
Linda: Don’t, you just want to touch my face.
Cat: Yes, maybe. I am sorry.[Linda starts crying]
Linda: I’m sorry. This is just really hard for me to see you.
Cat: Oh, hey! It’s hard for me too. Here, here, take this.[Cat pulls handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. It’s a magic trick where the handkerchief doesn’t stop coming out.] [Cut to everybody]
Aidy: Wow![Aidy and Pete start pulling the handkerchief.]
Cat: Here. Here. Here. Here.[Cut to Linda and Cat]
Take this.[Cat gives Linda a handkerchief to wipe her tears.] [Linda and Cat are about to kiss]
Aidy: [interrupting Linda and Cat] Mr. Cat, you wanna see me dance?[Cut to everybody] [Aidy starts dancing]
Cat: Yes, sure. Yes, go on.[Aidy is dancing]
Hey, look at that. Yes, that’s great. [Cut to Linda and Cat] Great dance.
Linda: She got set from you.
Cat: Wait, is she my daughter?[Thing 2 walks in the door]
Thing 2: Haidi-ho! My wife and children! Cat? Wow, um, what are you doing here?
Cat: Hey, Thing 2.
Thing 2: Actually, I go by Jonathing now.
Linda: Cat was just on his way out.
Thing 2: Oh! Good! That’s good! She picked me, cat!
Cat: I’ll go. I’ll go. I’m sorry. [Cut to everybody] I’ll go.[Cut to Cat at the door]
Of all the places she let me go–
Thing 2: [yelling] You! Get out of here![Cat left.]