Cathy Ann… Cecily Strong[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: A North Carolina man was arrested after he walked into a pizza place with an assault rifle and saying he was inspired by a fake news story he read off the internet. Here to talk about it is the woman that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Ann.
Cathy Ann: Ay, ay, Michael Che! Can you believe that idiot went into that pizza shop with a gun and he didn’t leave with no money and no pizzas? I mean, hello?
Michael Che: Well, he wasn’t trying to rob it. He thought he was trying to break up a pedophile.
Cathy Ann: Yeah, yeah. Fake news. You know what? Whatever happened to journalistic didegrity, okay?
Michael Che: Didegrity?
Cathy Ann: Yeah, okay. We all can agree we got SHI Ton of crazy people in this country, right? And crazy people don’t even have fake news to get them going. And I can take that coz I’ve been one of them, okay? There were times that I would smoke, you know what, crack… [Michael Che laughing] Hey, I’m serious, off of lightbulb and Mike, I would act pretty erratically. I’ll be honest with you, okay? And people like me do not need to be encouraged on fortune and ribbon
Michael Che: You mean for chain and Reddit.
Cathy Ann: You know what? If you’re going to be correcting me all damn day, how about you start with my psoriasis?
Michael Che: Oh my god!
Cathy Ann: I know. I’m like Cecada. Full version of me clinging on to a tree somewhere. Now, I don’t know if you know this, but all that fake news is the work of the alt-right, right? Because, that’s what we’re supposed to call the white supremacists now, coz apparently the people that are drawing swastikers and saying “Hi, Hitler” are getting offended when you call them nazis. What the hell? Ain’t the whole point of saying white pride is to be proud of all that crap? Just say what you are. You’re not McCafe, you’re McDonald’s. I’m not here for a fancy Cappuccino, I’m here coz I burned some bridges at Wendy’s. Do not ask, Michael Che!
Michael Che: I actually was not gonna.
Cathy Ann: You know what? What is this right wing conspiracy fake news so popular anyway? What happened to just using the internet for what you’re supposed to. Porno
Michael Che: Okay. So, getting back to the alt-right.
Cathy Ann: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Here’s my number one problem with the alt-right. It’s not the racism, no offense.
Michael Che: What?
Cathy Ann: It’s that they think they are so funny. You know what? They aren’t funny. That’s jail yard humor, okay? That’s like when you first go in the jail and they find the fattest guy and pulls his pants down and everybody gets to slap his butt one time to see who leaves the reddest mark.
Michael Che: Fattest guy? Did you go to a male prison?
Cathy Ann: They put you where they put you, Michael Che. Look, look, the alt-right, they ain’t as funny as they think, but damn are the liberals ain’t even trying to have a sense of humor. I mean, you even mention a sense of humor, they gonna online petition about you day later. All they do is yell at each other on Facebook about safety pins and Bernie Sanders. Alright, you’re a hundred times smarter than everybody else, and about a billion times less fun.
Michael Che: Okay, it sounds like you don’t have a lot of faith on either side to head with online fake news.
Cathy Ann: Yeah. You know what I think Michael Che? I think everybody needs to get off the damn internet for a few days. Including Donald Duck.
Michael Che: Donald who?
Cathy Ann: I know he’s watching. [Michael Che laughing] Go outside, meet people face to face and either fight them or freak them, like the pilgrims and all the cave men all did. The world is messed up, Michael Che. But I don’t let it get me too down coz I listen to the words of my hero. Michelle Robama. They go low, I get high.
Michael Che: Cathy Ann, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.