Weekend Update_ Cathy Anne on Al Franken

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Catny Anne in his set]

Michael Che: Sexual harassment allegations continue to rock congress with more expected to come. Here to talk about this is a woman who is always screaming outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Catny Anne slides in] [cheers and applause]

Catny Anne: Hey. Hey. Michael Che. Whoo! Today must be my lucky day.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah? And why is that, Cathy Anne?

Catny Anne: Coz I get to see you and I just came back from the dead.

Michael Che: What? You were actually dead?

Catny Anne: Yeah. Yeah. For 18 minutes. And then I came back for five and dead again for another 21. I met Dirts Michael. He told me to “Please leave him alone.”

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you’re okay now. So, what do you think about Al Franken resignation?

Catny Anne: You know what? I’m not sure what to think, okay? It’s a confusing time to be a woman. And a drug addict. And a very heavy drinker. It’s really hard coz I like Al Franco (Al Franken). You know? But I guess it’s true what they say. “Don’t meet your heroes.”  It’s kind of like when I met that Tacobell Chihuahua and he tried to bite me in my freaking vagina.

Michael Che: Wow!

Catny Anne: Oh! How is that a wow? Come on. Look. Look. I saw Al Franco’s speech, okay? Here’s what I do know. Why are you gonna resign if you ain’t gonna apologize? And if you ain’t got nothing to apologize for, then why the hell are you resigning? Okay? I didn’t resign from Waffle house coz I wasn’t stealing syrup. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Well, I think he resigned coz the democrats wanted to show that they are a party that takes a stand against sexual harassment.

Catny Anne: Who they trying to show? What? The voters in Alabama? Right! Yeah! Coz if everyone in Alabama just been on the edge of their seats. Wondering what Christian Jellybeans is gonna do about Al Franco.

Michael Che: You seem to know a lot about this stuff.

Catny Anne: Well, I’m kind of a political junkie. And a regular junkie. Right? The point is, the voters in Alabama don’t give a flying foot about Al Franco.

Michael Che: A flying foot?

Catny Anne: Um, you know, when you step in a bear trap and you try to shake it off too hard and your foot goes flying.

Michael Che: Nah, I don’t know about that.

Catny Anne: Oh, well, aren’t you fancy?

Michael Che: Well, Doug Jones seems close to Roy Moore on the polls.

Catny Anne: Oh, oh! Is he doing okay in the polls? Is he? Come on! People lie. Come one! Who wants to admit supporting Roy Moore to a stranger calling him on the phone? Oh, what? Who? Me? Yeah, I’m gonna support paedophile who likes slavery. Come on! That will be like if you call me and you ask, “Hey, Cathy Anne, are you planning on smoking crack again?” And I’ll be like, “How dare you? You have offended my censor-bility (sensibility).” Cut to me in that secret voting booth huffing on hot lot bob high as hell going “Doug, who?” Damn right, they’ll vote for Roy Moore. He gonna win in a land side and I’ll pretend like it just happened over night and I had nothing to do with it, right? Like, crop circles or clogged toilet.

Michael Che: Wait, Cathy Anne. Does this mean that you clogged my toilet again?

Catny Anne: Huh, Michael Che! You have offended my censor-bility.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Catny Anne: [Catny Anne showing an engagement ring on her finger] No, Cathy Anne Che! Tell them eloped.

Michael Che: We eloped. We eloped.

Catny Anne: We’re married.

Weekend Update Cathy Anne

Michael Che

Cathy Anne

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Tuesday, president Trump fired FBI director James Comey. The contradictory reasons for his firing coming out of the Trump campaign has been causing a lot of confusion, just like I just had. Here to clear things up, is the woman who is always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey, Michael Che. You are looking nice today.

Michael Che: Well, thank you, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Michael Che. Can you understand half of SHT what’s going on right now? Coz everything to me is more confusing and messier than when my uncle’s ‘you know what’ lab exploded.

Michael Che: Okay, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: Meth lab.

Michael Che: Yeah. I figured it was a meth lab.

Cathy Anne: Can you believe that Donald Trump gets to fire the man investigating him? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Whow! I mean, if I got to fire every person that investigated me, I would still have my job at Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: What happened at Pizza Hut?

Cathy Anne: Oh, what didn’t happen at pizza hut? Oh, man. Did you hear what he said about James Comey? [Cut to Cathy Anne] I mean, it’s like he’s trying to pick a fight with the FBI. Who the hell wants to pick a fight with the FBI? Okay, let me say. I’ll be left up with you, okay? I have had some problems with paranoia in my life just due to funky wiring in my head and mixed with mild recreational heavy drug use. God, you gotta be paranoid for real if you messing with the FBI and the Russians on top of that? I mean, he is living the actual life junkies are dreaming about in the bowling alley. When they’re like, “The CIA is after me. The Russians are listening.” But that’s his real life. You know what I mean?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t know anything about his real life, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: What is he thinking? Hanging out on Russians anyway, right? [Cut to Cathy Anne] They’re the ones that’s always pushing people out of windows and shooting them in the back of the cars, blowing that poison paint in the people’s face. He is taking selfish move in the Oval Office. I bet you that he has more Russian friends than I have days left to live.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, don’t say that.

Cathy Anne: Hey, baby, I live hard, okay? I’m like a shooting star. Just, pheww! You tell my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright, I’m not completely familiar with it, but I’ll try.

Cathy Anne: You know what? Here’s the thing. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I don’t even have problem with Donald Trump, right? Coz he’s crazy. And crazy recognizes crazy. Okay? Donald Trump, I see you, my man.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Your man?

Cathy Anne: Look. It’s all these republicans in congress pretending they don’t see what’s going on. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I know you’re not dumb. The only thing these investigating committees need to be book looking for is a damn backbone. Right? And you know it’s not going to be Mitch McDonald because he acts even more scary than he looks and he looks like this. [acting like Mitch McConnell] Right? Like somebody one poke the turtle. But I tell you, the rest of them need to grow a pair to put their country before the party. Don’t tell us we ain’t got the money to pay for people’s health care and turn around and spend $1 million a day so Donald Trump’s wife don’t have to sleep in the same bed as him.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne! Come on!

Cathy Anne: I’m not dumb. I can relate, Michael Che. [Cut to Cathy Anne] There’s been a similar situation, right? I used to get paid $15 a day to stay away from this man that ran a dry cleaner down the street from me. He would just leave it in a little envelope and just write “Please” on the outside of it. that’s how I got my first cricket phone.

Michael Che: [laughing] Cricket? You’re the only person I know with a cricket phone.

Cathy Anne: You put it in my story, Michael Che.

Michael Che: Alright.

Cathy Anne: No, listen to me. If this dude turns into a watergate type situation, I’m saying it right now. I call deep throat.

Michael Che: Oh! Cathy Anne, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Undecided Voter Cathy Anne

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael Che.

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the presidential race so close, the election might come down to the undecided voter. So, here is one that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey. Michael Che! Okay now, I just wanted to point out, I am an undecided voter but I’m also an uninspired voter. Oh, and you can have that one for free.

Michael Che: So you really don’t know who you’re gonna vote for?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: You’re gonna tell me I gotta pick between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, oh man, no thank you. I’m keeping Robama.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Robama? That– What? Who are you talking about?

Cathy Anne: I’ll tell you what the problem is. Politricians–

Michael Che: Tricians?

Cathy Anne: — are all narcissists, Michael Che. Now, I can never be a politician [Cut to Cathy Anne] because I am not a narcissist, okay? I have a very realistic view of myself and my problems. Go, number run, here it is. Here it is, folks. I’m too testing. I go from 0 to 60 like that [snapping her fingers] okay? And I have a pretty bad history with drugs and alcohol. [Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne] Yeah! Oh yeah! You better believe that. That explode the hell out of that. Yeah.

Michael Che: Are you okay?

Cathy Anne: No! Well, you know who I feel bad for?

Michael Che: No.

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: Donald Trump’s beautiful wife Nelamia. Yeah, and his beautiful daughter Kevana.

Michael Che: Who?

Cathy Anne: Although, you know what? I would buy me some of Kevana suits. Yes, I would. But to be honest, you know what? I have a pretty bad problem.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne. Cathy Anne puts his left foot over the table. Het whole foot and shoe is broken.]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Cathy Anne: Hey! Whoa! Hey! You know what? At least I’m honest. We’re not having problems unlike Hillary Husine Clinton.

Michael Che: Husine?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: If I had demonia (she means pneumonia] like her and I was best friends with creditor or Robamacare, oh you better believe I would go there with my demonia. Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: I understood like three of those words.  So is there anything that the candidates can do to get your vote?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! They can show me they know how to have a good time. Hello, you can’t trust nobody that don’t know how to have a good time.

Michael Che: So your min problem is they’re not having fun?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: Hillary Clinton is never had any damn fun. Are you kidding me? I mean, did you see her at the commencement, come on! What the hell kind of nerd life do you have to live where you’re 70 years old and you are that excited to see a balloon and you’re not a junkie. I mean– [Cathy Anne shakes her head and stares here and there] You remember!

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: I do remember. I remember. But what about Donald Trump? He seems like he’s always having fun.

Cathy Anne: No. No. Donald Trunk says he’s having fun. Yeah. He says it all the damn time. [Cut to Cathy Anne] But you know what? If he ain’t hanging out no Mexicans and no blacks and no gays and no women, then he ain’t having no damn fun. And you know that well!

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: It’s true. We are fun.

Cathy Anne: You know what? A bunch of people in a room that look like him, that ain’t no damn party. That’s my payroll hearing. And that wasn’t fun. Dodged it. They did not think I had change.

Michael Che: Wait, you’re a felon? You can’t even vote.

Cathy Anne: No. Well, [Cut to Cathy Anne] I am in a fugitive type of situation. And my innocence will be prevailed in the end. I’ll show you.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Alright, I’ll look forward to that. Cathy Anne, everybody!

Cathy Anne: Thank you. Robama! Robama!

[Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: It’s not Robama.

Colin Jost: Robama.

Michael Che: Who is Robama?

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Impeachment Acquittal

Cathy Anne

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week, the impeachment of Donald Trump ended with an acquittal in the republican controlled senate. Here to talk more about it is the lady who screams outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey! Michael Che! Oh, please tell me you are my gift for my birthday.

Michael Che: It’s your birthday today?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! I’m turning 21.

Michael Che: You’re 21?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! Can you believe it? I’m finally legal.

Michael Che: Well, you are a lived in 21 year old.

Cathy Anne: Oh! Well, thank you for noticing.

Michael Che: Alright, so what have you been up to?

Cathy Anne: I went back to school.

Michael Che: You did?

Cathy Anne: No! Of course not. What the hell do you think this is? Pretty woman? No. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I got folded up in my sleeper couch and forgotten about.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Are you okay?

Cathy Anne: Um, let’s just say that fat masses in Cinderella were much nicer than the ones I was stuck with. Okay?[Cut to Cathy Anne] They didn’t make me a dress so much as choose through the crotch in my sweatpants. Look.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che. Cathy Anne is showing Michael Che her sweatpants.

Michael Che: No! No! No! So, what do you think of the senate acquitting Donald Trump?

Cathy Anne: That weren’t no damn trial! It ain’t even got witnesses. [Cut to Cathy Anne] You know what? I wish I could have a trial with no witnesses. However, I seem to always make my transgressions in very public places. And I mean, also, Mick McDonald said they weren’t gonna find him guilty before the damn thin even started.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Mick Mc–

Cathy Anne: [yelling] Mick McDonald!

Michael Che: Okay!

Cathy Anne: You heard it wrong. I said it right.

Michael Che: Sure. Sure. So, you agree with the–

Cathy Anne: Your Weekend Update don’t know Mick McDonald!

Michael Che: [laughing] You agree with the people calling a cover up?

Cathy Anne: Cover up? [Cut to Cathy Anne] Who you covering? It’s all out in the open, okay? That’s like the time that Ikea got rocked in on me pants down [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] just spider squatting over the display toilet. And I tried to say, “It’s not what it looks like!” [Cut to Cathy Anne] Spoiler alert, it was more than it looked like.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh! Oh god!

Cathy Anne: You ever had those meatballs at Ikea? Whoo!

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, please!

Cathy Anne: This trial is so damn corrupt, Trump’s already going after anybody that did testify. I mean, you’ve heard that Lieutenant Colonel and his twin brother who didn’t even have nothing to do with it. Who the hell they think? He’s gonna parent trap himself coz he’s so desperate to get back there? That’s like baby Jessica. Getting rescued and then turned around and cannon ball back into the rail. [Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che] Ah! She’s fine!

Michael Che: So, you think it was a good idea to impeach him? Coz some people say it could hurt the democrats chances in the election.

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: No, no, no! What’s gonna hurt the democrats is all the damn in Friday. I mean, why they keep going after each other about this idea of political purity. Hello! It’s politricks! We know they pure, but it’s necessary. I don’t go to red roof in and put a black lot to the sheets. I know exactly why them sheets is crunchy. But I still need a place to lay low first of all.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, you are on fire!

Cathy Anne: Oh, you heard about that?

Michael Che: What?

Cathy Anne: When I caught fire. Yeah, yeah. [Cut to Cathy Anne] I was running into a Pollo Loco, I tripped and fell ass first into a fire grill.

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: What were you doing running up into a Pollo Loco?

Cathy Anne: Well, I wasn’t really running into a Pollo Loco. I was running away from the Pizza Hut next door.

Michael Che: Why?

Cathy Anne: Well, [Cut to Cathy Anne] turns out it’s true what they say. You can do all the crack in the world, but you still can’t out pizza the hut!

[Cut to Cathy Anne and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright! Well, I think that’s enough. You have anything else you wanna say?

Cathy Anne: Oh, yeah, yeah! Go Parasite!

Michael Che: Oh, you like that movie?

Cathy Anne: No, no! I want my parasite to go.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Cathy Anne: My birthday party’s at Michael Che’s. Everybody is invited.

Michael Che: No it’s not. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on Trump’s Border Wall | Season 44 Episode 11

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set]

Michael Che: Well, the government is back up and running. Trump has agreed to a short term deal to end the government shutdown with no wall funding. Here to elaborate, is the love of my life, and the lady who’s always screaming outside of my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne joins Michael Che. Cathy looks like she is a drug addict.]

Cathy Anne: It it ain’t the one that got away? You know what Michael Che? You know what blows my mind the most, I can’t believe all of this is over a damn wall. Right? [Cut to Cathy] Trump wants that wall so bad, you’d think that thing was made of crack. Right? He’s like, [Making impression of a drug addict] “Where’s that wall? Give me that wall. It’s not even that good wall.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Well, he says he wants it for border security.

Cathy Anne: This is basically a wall, right? Let me tell you something. [Cathy gets on the news table] He wants $5 billion for this. Hey! All right, now I did that with two ribs missing.

Michael Che: You you two ribs missing?

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy Anne: Yeah, I had them taken out because of that Marilyn Manson thing. Apparantly, it’s two ribs if you’re a girl. Spoiler alert, it don’t work. You can’t reach. [Cathy starts smoking] [Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Why, Kathy Anne? Why?

Cathy Anne: You know the only thing a wall can stop, Michael Che? A penguin. Right? [Cut to Cathy] They got those little wings and fat bodies and flipper feet, they can’t fly, they can’t dig. They ain’t getting past the wall. You know, they just keep bumping into it like a Roomba.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You have a thing against penguins?

Cathy Anne: Yes, I do. Let me tell you something. [Cut to Cathy] This man held people’s pay checks hostage for 35 days for that wall. And then he caved. And he’s pretending like he won. You didn’t win. Just like when I held the bathroom hostage at Arby’s for two days. I didn’t leave because I won. Okay? I left because they threw a smoke bomb through the window and my jeans caught fire. He never got his wall, and I never got to hear Ving Rhames say, “We have your meat, Kathy Anne”.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: That’s all you wanted?

Cathy Anne: Hey, stay focused. We have to have priorities here. Okay? [Cut to Cathy] Mexico ain’t the main reason for Dopiods. We got them through doctors and pharmaceuticals and stuffed up people’s butts in airports. Now, who’s going to check them butts when the TSA is calling in sick because you ain’t paying them for five weeks. And how about food detectors?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: You mean, the FDA?

Cathy Anne: Yes. Okay, and may I remind you, this is after everybody in the country got the runs from eating freaking salad, twice. [Cut to Cathy]  I thought I had it, right? But then I remembered, I don’t eat salad. That’s just my organs. And then, to top all that off, you have to mess with our military, by banning people from service just because you decided they ain’t got the right private parts? Well, let me tell you something, nobody’s ever been thrilled with my private parts. That’s never stopped me from fighting. You want to see?

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Hell, no.

Cathy Anne: That’s all right. The point is, he is an addict when it comes to that wall. And I would know, because – I – [Cut to Cathy] and if his addiction is anything like mine, it’s far from over. He’s going to lie to you, steal from your purse, and end up on the wrong side of a lot of glory holes until he gets his wall. Take it from me, Catherine Annette Vanderbilt.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Cathy Anne everybody.