Donald and Melania Trump Cold Open

Donald Trump… Taran Killam

Melania Trump… Cecilia Strong

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a Christmas message from Donald & Melania Trump.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Good evening. It’s holiday season and I wanna wish everyone out here a Merry Christmas. To the Jews, happy Hanukkah and to the Muslims, send me your names.

Melania Trump: Donald and I love Christmas so much, we skipped the tree and made our entire home one big ornament.

Donald Trump: This is a very special time of year. It brings together all kinds of people. And I just want to recognize some of them with my naughty and nice list. My concept by the way.

Melania Trump: And remember, sometimes it’s nice to be naughty. [laughing]

Donald Trump: That’s why I married her. She’s hilarious, with boobs.

Melania Trump: Aw!

Donald Trump: So, here we go. Let’s see who’s naughty and who’s nice. First up, the polls, very nice. The latest poll has me leading by 20%. It’s starting to sink in people. I’m gonna be president.

Melania Trump: Yes, it’s so exciting. Donald is always working around the house talking to himself saying, “Oh, my god. I can’t believe this might happen. What the hell is going on? It’s so crazy.

Donald Trump: Next on the list, the nut cracker, by which I mean Hillary Clinton. She’s on the nice list. I know, I couldn’t believe it. She actually called me the other day.

Melania Trump: It was amazing. She said, “I hope you are the republican nominee. Please, please, let this happen.” It was so sweet.

Donald Trump: Very, very touching. Next up, Mark Zuckerberg. Naughty list. You’re a billionaire who is giving away almost all your money to charity? What the hell are you doing? You little nerd!

Melania Trump: Yes. If you give away you money, how will you stay married?

Donald Trump: Absolutely. Listen, I’m the most charitable guy on the planet. One time, I banged to 7. Finally, Santa. Naughty list. Controversial, I know. But look at the facts. This guys is a foreigner who works one day out of the year and gives handouts. He’s worse than Obama.

Melania Trump: Donald is my little Santa. He makes me sit on his lap before he gives me a gift.

Donald Trump: Sorry about this Santa. But I just don’t trust anybody who can fly over a wall. And next time I see you, I’m gonna tell you…

Donald Trump and Melania Trump: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.