Roadside Museum – SNL

Heidi Gardner

Kyle Mooney

Joanne Batting … Cecily STrong

Reese … Woody Harrelson

Linette … Aidy Bryant

P Ryan … Mikey Day

Huntington Booth … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Sun’s Out Nevada intro]

Announcer: You’re tuned in to Sun’s Out Nevada. Thank you, guys.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner and Kyle Mooney in their set]

Heidi Gardner: Welcome back. Weather and traffic are just ahead. Spoiler alert – there’s neither.

Kyle Mooney: And later, author Dav Pilkey joins us to chat about his new children’s book, “Captain Underpants: Rise of Hershey Squirt”. Excited to pick his brain.

Heidi Gardner: But first, time for “Jo on the Go” with our roving reporter Joanne Batting who live on interstate 15 with her yummiest scoop yet.

[Cut to Joanne Batting]

Joanne Batting: Thanks, guys. Well, in between Los Angeles and Las Vegas, a new attraction will offer road trippers a cheesy photo op. The world’s biggest Cheeto Museum has it’s grand opening today. And I am here now with the proud owners, the hotter family.

[Hotter family joins Joanne Batting]

Reese, Linette, and their son P Ryan. Congrats on your big day. Now Reese, you first had the idea for all this five years ago. How does it feel to look at that gigantic Cheeto today? Besides hungry.

[Reese laughing]

Reese: Well, you’re quick. That’s why you’re on TV and I own the Cheeto. Anyway, it’s a dream come true. It took a lot of work. And our entire savings to buy the Cheeto and build the museum. But today I think it’s safe to say it was worth it. Right, sweetheart?

Linette: Sure.

Joanne Batting: Lynette, are you as excited as your husband?

Linette: No.

Joanne Batting: Now, P. Ryan, I got to ask. How do you keep from eating this thing?

P Ryan: I actually get that question a lot. And I always say, you know, I wonder if they ask people who work at the Louvre if they want to eat the Mona Lisa. You know?

Joanne Batting: Well, no, because it’s a painting and not a giant Cheeto.

P Ryan: Right. Yeah. But it’s kind of the same thing.

Joanne Batting: It’s not. But later on, the Cheeto will be measured by this judge [Huntington Booth joins Joanne Batting] from the Guinness book of world records, Mr. Huntington Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Huntington Booth. And I must say this Cheeto is spectacular. I once saw a 40 foot hot dog that took my breath away. And I am getting a very similar feeling from Cheeto.

Joanne Batting: Exciting stuff. Okay, we’ll see you soon for the official measurement, Mr. Booth.

Huntington Booth: Dr. Booth.

[Huntington Booth storms out]

Joanne Batting: Well, it’s almost 9 o’clock. Is it time to officially open the museum for the fist time?

Reese: It sure is. Oh, boy. Son, you want to turn on the fan?

P Ryan: Yes. All right. Fans are on, dad.

Reese: Ladies and germs, the world’s biggest Cheeto museum is officially open for business. God bless you, Cheeto. I love you. Whoo!

[The giant cheeto bursts out because it fell into the fan] [The screen is smoky because of cheetos dust] [Cut to Heidi and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Uh, a little hiccup over at the world’s biggest Cheeto museum.

Heidi Gardner: Everything okay there, Joe?

[Cut to Joanne and Hotter family]

Joanne Batting: Yeah, everyone’s okay. Except for the cheeto which fell into the fan. Well, we were supposed to take the Guinness world record measurement here. That still happening?

[Moving to Huntington Booth]

Huntington Booth: No.

Joanne Batting: Right! Well, not the best grand opening. How you doing Reese?

Reese: Bad.

Joanne Batting: Mm-hmm. Do you have any sort of backup plan?

Reese: No, we were all in the Cheeto.

P Ryan: I just want to say that all new businesses go through growing pains and I actually think this Cheeto can be fixed.

Joanne Batting: Well, it can’t.

P Ryan: I still think people will come on down.

Joanne Batting: They will not. Now, Lynette, what’s next for you?

Linette: Divorce.

Joanne Batting: Makes sense. I would do the same. We’ll be right back.

[Ends with Sun’s Out Nevada outro]

Inside the Beltway – SNL

Denise Craw … Aidy Bryant

Walter Dale… Woody Harrelson

Connie Brasheres … Cecily Strong

Quincy Maddox … Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Inside the Beltway intro] [Cut to Denise Craw in her set]

Denise Craw: Good morning and welcome to Inside The Beltway where we look at what’s happening up in Washington. I’m Denise Craw. Joining me as always are [Cut to Walter Dale] Walter Dale from the Forth Worth Star. From the Dallas Morning News, [Cut to Connie Brasheres] Connie Brasheres. And the chair of [Cut to Quincy Maddox] African-American Studies at Rice University, Quincy Maddox. Wow, [Cut to everybody] it’s been a historic week as the house launched an impeachment inquiry into the president. [Cut to Denise Craw] It’s really shaking Washington up. Hasn’t it, Walter?

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Waler Dale: It sure has. I’ve got to say, this feels like a real turning point in the Trump presidency.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, it’s gratifying to see our system of checks and balances finally working the way it intended.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to everybody]

Denise Craw: Hey.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: Quincy, come on. You have to admit there’s something about this Ukraine story.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, it’s amazing. The American people seem to understand the gravity of it right away.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Yeah. I see that. But ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: You know, I don’t know. It actually seems the president is in real trouble here.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Yeah, you know, Ukraine is likely to be one of many reasons cited in the articles of impeachment. I mean, this is not his first offense. Okay? I mean, remember what happened five months ago. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Inside the Beltway video bumper] [Cut to a woman giving her speech]

Woman: We believe that no one above the law, including the president of the United States. And we believe that the president of the United States is engaged in a cover-up.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: And there you have it. The full Mueller report is out, and it cites ten instances of obstruction. It’s really shaken Washington up, hasn’t it, Walter?

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: It has. You know, this feels like a real turning point in the Trump presidency.

[Cut to Qunicy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Okay. Wow, I forgot about that last part. But we all must acknowledge that the Mueller report is but one stain on an already tarnished presidency.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: I mean, there’s also the Genueflecting to murderous dictators.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Word.

Connie Brasheres: Calling white supremacists very fine people.

Quincy Maddox: Come on.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: And lying about hush money to cover up an affair. For real? What an adult film star.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, damn!

Walter Dale: And this new story about Trump telling the Russians he didn’t care about election interference.

Quincy Maddox: Oh, snap. Well, if that’s true – ain’t nothing gonna happen.

Walter Dale: Quincy, please. This Ukraine episode is a clear a violation of the oath of office, and there are transcripts.

Quincy Maddox: Uh-oh. Here come the transcripts. Because if there’s one thing Americans love, it’s reading.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: And keep in mind, impeachment gives congress more powers than they previously had. Adam Schiff says, and I quote, “The big club has been brought out”.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, snap. Adam “The Hammer” Schiff said that? Well, that’s all you had to say.

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Walter Dale: Quincy, you know how this works. It happened in Watergate. It can happen again. First they send out the subpoenas.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox listening to Walter eating popcorn]

Then there’s hearings. Quincy. Quincy. Quincy, stop.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: No, no, no. Tell me what’s next.

Walter Dale: Please put down the popcorn.

Quincy Maddox: Okay.

Walter Dale: Thank you. Now, and don’t forget about this whistle-blower who has agreed to testify before congress.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: A whistle-blower? Oh, he going to go missing.

[Cut to Walter Dale and Quincy Maddox]

Walter Dale: What?

Quincy Maddox: Nothing.

Walter Dale: Well, unlike you, I have faith in the process. The system might take a while, but it is working.

Quincy Maddox: Oh, it’s working. For Trump. ‘Cause ain’t nothing gonna happen.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Well, Mr. Maddox, in life sometimes people surprise us. Okay? And I think it’s possible that some republicans are about to have a moment of moral clarity.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Oh, you do, do you? Now, let’s roll that clip from 2016.

Denise Craw: Okay. I’m the host.

[Cut to Inside the Beltway video bumper] [Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. [Cut to another video of Donald Trump] He’s a war hero ‘cause he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured. Okay? I hate to say. [Cut to another video of Donald Trump] You ought to see this guy. “Oh, I don’t know what to say. Ah!” Grab them by the (beep). You can do anything.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: Wow, just appalling. I don’t think I’ve heard any man talk like that.

[Cut to everybody]

Walter Dale: It’s revolting. It feels like a real turning point in the Trump candidacy.

Quincy Maddox: Mm-hmm. He gonna win.

[Cut to Denise Craw]

Denise Craw: But I believe – I believe that the arc – I believe that the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards justice.

[Cut to Walter Dale]

Walter Dale: Hear, hear.

[Cut to Connie Brasheres]

Connie Brasheres: Well said, Denise.

[Cut to Quincy Maddox]

Quincy Maddox: Well said. Indeed, he gonna win again.

[Cut to everybody]

Denise Craw: Go to commercial. Go to commercial.