Quiz Whiz

Dana… Cecily Strong

Male contestant… Taran Killam

Female contestant… Brie Larson

[Starts with Quiz Whiz intro]

Dana: Hello, and welcome back to Quiz Whiz, 2018. Your favorite game show that as a reminder takes place today in the year 2018. Now, our contestants have been battling it out and are now tied with one question left. Contetants, are you ready?

Male Contestant: All ready, Dana.

Female Contestant: Couldn’t be more ready, Dana.

Dana: Okay. Now, neither of you gotten a single question wrong so far. Which means this is for all the Quiz Whiz glory. First to buzz in with a correct answer win.s

Male Contestant: It’s gonna be me.

Female Contestant: No way, I’ve got this.

Dana: Okay. Well, here’s your question. In the year 2016, Donald Trump won the republican nomination for president. But what was the name of the man who came in second?

[Male Contestant and Female Contestant are thinking]

Male Contestant: Um…

Female Contestant: Shoot!

Male Contestant: Ugh! What was that guy’s–

Female Contestant: God! What was his…

Male Contestant: Oh!

Dana: Now as a reminder, he was on TV for 13 straight months. He was a major player in the election. It was Donald Trump first, John Kasich third.

Female Contestant: Yeah, I know John Kasich.

Male Contestant: Of course, John Kasich. Yeah.

Female Contestant: But who was that other guy that came in second?

Male Contestant: Uh! God! I’m trying to picture him but my brain’s showing me nothing.

Dana: Yes, that’s him.

Female Contestant: I- I can’t even remember his face. I’m just sort of seeing this blah…

Dana: Yeah, yeah, you’ve got it.

Male Contestant: Ugh, gosh! It’s on tip of my– what is it? Oh! Tongue! Yes, it’s on the tip of my tongue but no, I don’t know who the guy is.

Dana: Okay. Maybe this will help. In the final week of his campaign, he began a vicious crusade against transgender people.

Female Contestant: Right at the end?

Dana: Yes. Days before. What’s his name?

Male Contestant: God, I feel like I should know this. I mean, I am transgender.

Dana: Yeah. We all are. It’s 2018.

Male Contestant: Right. Dana, I would like to use my first lifeline. I’d like a visual clue.

Dana: Alright. Hands on your buzzers. Here it is.

[a picture of Carly Fiorina appears on the screen.

[Male Contestant and Female Contestant are looking excited, ready to press the buzzer.]

Male Contestant: Can’t wait for that clue, Dana.

Female Contestant: Tell us when you put up that clue, Dana.

Dana: Well, I just did. that’s it. That’s a photo of Carly Fiorina. She was this candidate’s vice president.

Male Contestant: Wait, what?

Female Contestant: He didn’t win the nomination but he had a vice-president?

Male Contestant: Named Cari Ferrari?

Female Contestant: Dana, I’d like to phone a friend. His name is Crichard. He teaches political history at Harvard and he will know this for sure.

[phone ringing]

Crichard: Hello, this is Crichard.

Female Contestant: Hello Crichard, it’s me. I’m on Quiz Whiz 2018 and I have a question.

Crichard: Oh. One second. I am driving. Let me just pull over to the side. Up the air. This is a flying car.

Female Contestant: Yes, of course. Okay Crichard, in twentysixteen, Donald Trump won the republican nomination.

Crichard: Yes. Yes. I definitely know this.

Female Contestant: What was the name of the man who came in second?

Crichard: Aii! Oh! Ah!

Female Contestant: Crichard, five seconds.

Crichard: Oh, and four and three and two and one and zero. Okay, goodbye.

Dana: Okay contestands, to help you out, we’re gonna give you two letters of his name. Here they are.

[The screen shows “T_ _ C _ _ _”] [buzzer sound]

Male Contestant: Dana, I have it finally. Top Crap.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Dana: Oh. I’m sorry. That’s what he was voted in high school. We are looking for his name. Mark, you’re out.

Male Contestant: Well, I guess I’ll just head back home, on to Mars. You know, its 2018.

Female Contestant: Dana, I know that I can get this and I would like to use my final lifeline.

Dana: Your super clue. Are you sure? It will cost you 1,000 Quizzi-whizzies.

Female Contestant: I’m sure.

Dana: Okay. Are you ready? Here is your super clue. Heidi, he’s your husband.

Female Contestant: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. That is right. I forgot we did- we did do that whole thing together. Oh, god! That was so sad. He like, elbowed me on the face at the end. Okay, yeah. Of course I know what this is. Okay. [presses the buzzer button.] Final answer, Sus. I mean Ted. Cruz. Ted Cruz.

Dana: Yes. That’s correct. Heidi, you win. Thanks for watching. This has been Quiz Whiz, 2018. All hail president Trump.

[Dana, Male Contestant and Female Contestant come together and put their hands on their hearts.] [A picture of Donald Trump wearing King’s Crown is dropped behind them]

All: [singing] Trump my fearless leader
his penis big and true

[The End]

Near-Death Experience

Aidy Bryant

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Brie Larson

Rapordy… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with two doctors interviewing three women in American Medical Association]

Aidy: I’m Dr. Rhodes and this is Dr. Christian. Now, we know you’ve been through a lot this past week. And we appreciate you being here.

Bobby: Yes. The fact that you three were technically dead for 55 minutes makes your near death experience of great interest to the scientific community.

Cecily: This is nuts, man! I mean, we were just gal pals on a road trip who took a wrong turn into a lake. And now we’re medical miracles.

Aidy: Indeed. Now after your car became submerged and you lost consciousness, what was your first lucent memory?

Cecily: Um, my soul was gently lifted out of my body by like, a beautiful glowing being and it said, “I am your guardian angel. You are safe with me.” And then we just floated up out of the car into the sky.

Brie: Same here. My angel said, “Take my hand, dear child.” We floated up pretty high but I wasn’t scared. I felt like infused with this warm loving energy.

Bobby: And you, miss Rapordy?

Rapordy: Yeah, similar concept, different execution. [smoking a cigarette] My angel said, “I’m Keith. Hold on.” And then he violently yanked my soul up out of my body by the waist band in my sweatpants.

Aidy: And did you also feel loving energy?

Rapordy: No. No. What I mostly felt was the pinching of an epic lady wedge. Coz I was being freaking air-lifted by the crotch in my sweatpants and it was jacked up into my coo-coo.

Bobby: I see. And this all occurred while you were floating.

Rapordy: Yeah, I wouldn’t call it float. Uh, Keith would ratchet us into the air and quick 5 foot spurts followed by sudden stops. I think if I was a role, it would be employee of the month.

Bobby: I see. Now, after you left your bodies, what happened next?

Cecily: Um, I was in a tunnel and at the end there was a bright glow like, beaconing me forward. I drifted to the light with my angel. I don’t know. It felt like I was going like, home.

Brie: Yeah. I mean, it sounds corny but the close I got to the light, the more my heart filled with love.

Rapordy: What? These two Cinderellas are going to the ball. Meanwhile, cut to my tunnel, which is a 6 miles long steep slope that Keith made me run down in flip-flops. And now mind you, my sweats were so stretched out, they kept falling off. So I just had to kick em’ off. And now, I’m full Donald Ducking it. And I’m hoofing down a 45 degree decline with my fun-bun and mud-gun hanging out playing view.

Bobby: Now, what occurred when you all reached the end of this tunnel?

Cecily: In the light, I saw my mama. She said, “I’m always with you, baby.” I just never wanted to let go.

Brie: I saw my grand daddy. He took my hand. He didn’t say anything. He just smiled and happy cried. Words can’t describe how amazing it was.

Rapordy: Well, again I stray from the pack here. So, I get into my light and out come thousands of dogs. All sizes, all breeds. Just dogs running around, playing and yapping and nipping at each other. And I’m sporting no pants. So, I’m fighting off to gaggle at cold snouts trying to sniff my drainer and my stainer. Look, at least somebody’s interested, right?

Aidy: And now, do dogs have special significance in your life?

Rapordy: No. No. No. I think Keith bached and sent me to dog heaven. By this point, it’s pretty clear, Keith was learning on the job.

Aidy: Do any of you remember the moment you essentially came back to life?

Brie: Yeah. My angel said to me, “It is not your time.” And then cradled me like a baby, took me back down and gently placed my soul back into my body.

Cecily: Yeah. It felt like being tucked into bed by your mama.

Rapordy: Okay. Now I am actually a little ticked off. My angel jammed my soul into my body like it was shoving a carry on into a crowded over head bin. I was like, “Keith, bud, maybe come up with a different game plan here.” And he was like, “No, no. I can make it fit.” And he was using his elbows, jamming on my soul.

Bobby: Now, why do you think it was so difficult?

Rapordy: Alright, my theory is this. Keith accidentally grabbed one of the dead dog’s souls and stuffed it into my body. Coz I’m pretty sure the soul of the Scottish Terrier has set up shop in my right knocker.

Aidy: What is it that makes you think that?

Rapordy: Well, whenever the doorbell rings, my knocker goes crazy. It’s like, I’m– I gotta–

[Raporty grabs Cecily’s right breast]

It’s like this. [shaking Cecily’s breast] Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr.

Cecily: Well, why don’t you just demonstrate on yourself?

Rapordy: I didn’t want to wake him up.

Aidy: Well, this is all very fascinating. Well, if you’ll follow me, we’d like to do some light brain mapping.

[everybody stand]

Rapordy: Alright. Let’s just make it quick coz I think someone’s up now. [looking at her breasts] Sit! Sit!

[The End]