Tag: Cecily Strong

Blue Christmas

[There are people in RadioShack]

Kenan: Hey guys, just need a minute of your time before we go on break for Christmas. As some of you know, this is Cecily’s last day working at RadioShack. After eight incredible years.

Cecily: Well, I’ve been here 11.

Kenan: I know. And eight of them were incredible. Honestly, I don’t think that RadioShack could have survived this long without Cecily. Every time she came to work, she had a new character or a new accent or a new impression that would just blow you away. She’d have a power and a joy to her performance that made you remember why you loved working at RadioShack in the first place. I know I’m not supposed to say this as your boss, but I love you Cecily.

Cecily: I love you too, Mr. Frank lasagna.

Kenan: That’s right, that is my name. Now we all pooled our money together, money that was supposed to go to children in need, but we decided to hire a special guest for our Christmas party instead. Unfortunately, the costume was extra and we chose to not spring for that. So please welcome, casual Elvis.

[Austin Butler walks in]

Austin: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Kenan: Yeah, we didn’t pay for the voice.

Austin: Cecily, I know we only met this week but I feel like I’ve known you for two weeks. And I also know that I speak for everyone else when I say…

[singing] We’ll have a Blue Christmas without you
we’ll be so blue just thinking about you
all the sketches with dogs
or when guy’s got one too
won’t be the same, dear
when you go, I’ll scoop.

Cecily: And when those blue snow flakes start falling
that’s when those blue memories start calling

Austin and Cecily: You’ll be doing all right every Saturday night
but I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

Kenan: We’ll have a blue Christmas without you
All: We’ll be so blue singing about you
you’ll be doing all right with your Christmas so white

Austin: But we’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

Kenan: You’ll be doing all right every Saturday night
All: We’ll all have a blue, blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

[cheers and applause]

White Elephant

James Shawn Johnson

Devon Walker

Janette… Ego Nwodim

Shawn… Austin Butler

Ava… Cecily Strong

Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Santa… Mikey Day

James: And maybe next year we can host this company holiday party in the Bahamas. Right? Cheers everybody.

All: Cheers.

Heidi: Seriously, thank you all for coming tonight. Now, how about we start the white elephant gift exchange? Does everyone know how this works?

Shawn: Remind me again.

Ava: We all take turns grabbing gifts, right?

Devon: Yep. But you only get to pick when your number is called.

Andrew: Yeah, but we can steal a gift, right?

Heidi: Exacto-mundo. Let’s start. Who’s got number one?

Janette: That’d beat me. Okay. Alright, what do we got here? Oh. Okay. Now that’s a candle right there. I love it.

Heidi: All right, who’s next?

Shawn: Oh, me. I’ve got number two.

James: Okay. Getting in on the action.

Shawn: Oh, nice. A sweet ashtray. Oh, you know, I was just saying I needed something like this. I’m going to use this as a catch all by the front door of my place. Yes. When I get home from a long day, I can just put all my rings and bracelets and playing cards and stuff right from my pockets right here so I know where everything is. To whoever got this, thank you for real. I’m going to cherish this forever. It is perfect.

Ava: Okay, well let’s move on. Number three. I’m up. And you know what? Actually, I’m gonna steal. I really like Shawn’s gift. Yoink!

Heidi: Oh, let the games begin.

Shawn: So what? Now I just don’t get a gift?

Heidi: No, Shawn. Now you can go back to the unopened gifts or you can steal?

Shawn: Okay, I’ll steal my gift back. Yoink back at you.

Ava: No, I don’t think you can do that.

James: Yeah, you’ve got to grab someone else’s.

Shawn: That’s not fair. That’s not fair. You you shouldn’t be able to do that. That’s mean. That’s mean as hell. You know what, Ava? You are a wicked little woman.

Devon: Whoa, whoa, Shawn. I’m gonna need you to chillax pimp juice.

Andrew: That’s just how the game is played, dude.

Shawn: You shouldn’t be able to take someone’s gift if it’s perfect for them. That’s not right. For example, I wouldn’t take Janette scented candle because I know that her house stinks.

Janette: What?

Shawn: No, I’m saying Jeanette, we’ve all been to your house. We’re all aware that you need that candle.

Andrew: Shawn, it’s okay dude. Just take a different gift.

Shawn: Alright, would have.

James: Are you gonna open it?

Shawn: Why? It’s just gonna suck.

Heidi: Okay, hey, let’s let’s take a chill pill and push through. This is supposed to be fun, remember? So who’s next?

Andrew: Number five right here. Hey, Jeanette. Could I get a whiff of your candle?

Janette: Okay, I think I know where this is going.

Shawn: [to Ava] So what are you gonna use it for? To smoke dope?

Heidi: Shawn?

Shawn: What? Look at her. She’s obviously doped out of her gourd right now. Total smack head.

Andrew: Shawn, you’re being a child.

Devon: Just open your gift and shut up.

Shawn: Alright, whatever. I will. Happy? Let’s see what crap awaits. So you’re going to address to me. Who wrote my name on this one? Oh my goodness. It’s the same catchall but in Jet Black. That’s like even more awesome than the other one because jet black is my favorite color.

James: Your favorite color is jet black?

Shawn: It’s a Christmas miracle guys. Who did this? Come on. Fess up. Somebody?

All: No. I didn’t.

Shawn: That must mean..

[Santa’s walking on the roof.]

Santa: Ho-ho-ho-ho. Santa Claus here telling you that it’s someone is lucky enough to get a perfect gift at the white elephant gift exchange, let him keep it. It costs you nothing to be nice. Now you might wonder how I knew Shawn wanted that catchall. Just call it father’s intuition. [Santa is also wearing a lot of rings and bracelets] Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho.

Weekend Update: Cathy Anne Says Goodbye for Now

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: 2022 is almost over and ooh, we did a lot happen. Here to help us make sense of it all is two time Heisman Trophy stealer, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Cathy Anne: Hey. Ho-ho-ho, Michael Cho.

Michael Che: Hey Cathy, you look adorable. I love your Santa hat.

Cathy Anne: Oh yeah. Well, it’s covering up a giant open wound. I got a little bit Scout.

Michael Che: You got Scout?

Cathy Anne: Yeah. I fell asleep on an escalator. It is just a mess up here. But you know what? At least now the curtains match the drapes.

Michael Che: Yuck, Cathy Anne. What does that mean?

Cathy Anne: Yeah, let your mind go to the worst place and you figure it out.

Michael Che: Let’s get back on track, Cathy Anne. What’s got your goose tonight?

Cathy Anne: Well, thank you for asking, you sexy piece of crap. Actually, actually, I’m a little emo tonight, because truth is I’m here to say goodbye.

Michael Che: Wait, where are you going?

Cathy Anne: Turns out prison.

Michael Che: Prison?

Cathy Anne: Yeah. Well, the crimes I confessed to you here for the past several years finally caught up with me. Drug use, trespassing, destruction of property, crack, impersonating a police, meth and crack. Oh, and I’m doing a couple of Sonic attacks.

Michael Che: A sonic attack? Like what the Russians do with sound waves?

Cathy Anne: No. I did an upper decker at the soft server machine at Sonic. But a lot of people did end up with pretty bad headaches. Everything worked out, okay? Because I made a plea deal. I wound up getting life in prison.

Michael Che: That’s a bad deal.

Cathy Anne: Well, they wanted to kill me. And that kind of bring my chair back, made me watch him tested. Tuck a little hat on me and everything. Whow, that’s chilling.

Michael Che: I’m really sorry you’re going to prison.

Cathy Anne: Oh no, I’m not. I think it’s actually gonna give me some much needed stability. And I’m not just scared because I got friends on the inside. They seem to be doing okay. [There’s a picture of Kate McKinnon and Aidy Bryant inside jail] Yeah. And it’s okay. I had a good run. I mean, I met you, we fell in love. We made a sex tape.

Michael Che: Kathy Anne, you getting caught on my Ring cam masturbating is not a sex tape.

Cathy Anne: Potato Chlamado. That’s a spicy meat ball. Hey Colin, don’t you think I forgot about you. Here’s your picture of you may do an update together.

[There’s a picture of Colin Jost and Cecily Strong in old Weeked Update set]

Michael Che: Whoa! Cathy Anne, you look so different. What happened?

Cathy Anne: Okay, excuse me. Look at you. Have you seen you now versus when you started, Mr. Silver fact? Turn into Obama.

Michael Che: All right, that’s fair.

Cathy Anne: Listen, everybody has to go to jail at some point, right? It’s just my time now. But I had a lot of fun here. And I feel really lucky that I got to have so many of the best moments of my life in this place with these people that I love so much. [cheers and applause] But I know, I guess take that with a grain of salt being that I have addiction issues. It’s like another great drug addict once said, “There’s no place like home and there’s no home like the place where I’ve gotten yelled outside Michael Che’s window.” Don’t be sad, because remember… [singing] I did it high, Che.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody.

Cathy Anne: Oh my god, I lit it. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Jewish Elvis

Bert… Bowen Yang

Jewish Elvis… Sarah Sherman

Lois… Austin Butler

Cecily Strong

Laura… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with audience talking in a show. Most of them are elderly women.]

Cecily: Okay, these are very good seats.

Laura: I mean, very good seats.

Chloe: Wow grandma, I didn’t realize your retirement home had its very own theater. I mean this is fantastic.

Cecily: Oh no. The Oasis has it all. A nightclub.

Laura: A sauna.

Cecily: Carpeted bathroom.

Laura: Carpeted locker rooms.

Cecily: And a steakhouse where everything is well done. Except the service.

Chloe: Grandma, what’s wrong with Lois?

Lois: Oh my god, he’s here it’s in the building. Oh my freaking god. It’s really happening.

Laura: She’s just excited for the show.

Cecily: Well, Laura, we all are. I mean, first night of Hanukkah when they really kick things off with a bang.

Chloe: I don’t understand. Who are you also excited to see?

Lois: Oh, oh, there he is. There he is.

All: Oh my god, it’s Jewish Elvis. Ah!

[Jewish Elvis is dancing and the audience are cheering for him]

Lois: Oh my god.

Jewish Elvis: Thank you. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] Can somebody turn up the AC? I’m schimtzing like a friggin hound dog up here. Ah, what are you gonna do? It’s Viva Las Vegas.

Lois: Oh my god, I’m so horny. I’m gonna friggin explode.

Chloe: I’m sorry. I don’t get it.

Cecily: Yes, I can explain. He’s Jewish Elvis.

Chloe: Right. But…

Cecily: Quiet. He’s back to sing.

Jewish Elvis: Wise men say
Who is wise men? 
Why are they so wise?
only fools rush in
what’s the rush?
everybody just relax
I can’t help
I could help,
I don’t want to
I’m tired
my back hurts
I can’t help ordering a diet coke
at every restaurant I go to

Lois: Oh, he sings like a freaking angel. Oh my god.

Chloe: I mean it’s a little bit of singing but it’s mostly complaining.

Laura: Yeah, he’s Jewish Elvis. Hello! Are you stupid?

[Jewish Elvis starts dancing]

Jewish Elvis: Everybody wants me to do my moves.

Cecily: Oh my god. Yes, please.

Lois: I’m like Niagara Falls over him. My chair is gonna friggin drown. [pulls out her underwear] Oh, ruin me, Jewish Elvis. Ruin me. [throws her underwear to the stage]

Jewish Elvis: Oh, gross. No, thank you. I think you everything bangles got a little too much cream cheese on it. You know what I’m saying?

Laura: This is the best night of my life.

Chloe: Night? It is 4:30 in the afternoon.

Jewish Elvis: My God, I got she was no I got schmutz all over my suit. Was no one gonna tell me I got schmutz all over my friggin suit? I mean, what is this? Mustard? I’m walking around like a goofball with mustard on my friggin little scarf? I mean, oh my god this is a zizzaster.

Chloe: Did he just say zizzaster?

Lois: It’s his famous catchphrase. Whooo!

Bert: All right, hello. Sorry everyone. I’m Bert the director of the retirement home.

Cecily: No! Get your fat ass of the stage.

Lois: You are blocking Jewish Elvis. You fat a-hole.

Bert: Ladies, calm down. Apparently somebody broke the toilet in the handicapped stall. [Jewish Elvis slowly walks out of the stage] It’s completely flooded and covered and blue rhinestones. Witnesses said there was a man inside screaming “Oh no, it won’t go down. This is zizzaster.” Jewish Elvis, is there anything you want to say?

Jewish Elvis: Yeah. Hey, what are you gonna do? Viva Las Vegas.

Cecily: Get off the stage. Fat sub.

Chloe: Wait guys, where is Lois?

Cecily: I don’t know. Oh my god. She’s on the stage.

[Lois is on the stage with Jewish Elvis]

Jewish Elvis: Sing it with me, mommy.

My stomach hurts
sing it with me

Lois: I got a bad cramp

Jewish Elvis: I love you. Together.

Both: I think I accidentally had dairy
all together y’all
All: We can’t go on together
with delicious cheese
we all got diarrhea
from delicious cheese

Jewish Elvis: Happy blue Hanukkah everyone. From all of us and Jewish Elvis.

Trump NFT Cold Open

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: And now, just in time for the holidays, a very special Christmas announcement from the one person who can truly remind us what this season is all about.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump as a super hero with laser beam coming out of his eyes]

[Cut to Donald Trump at his house]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Hello, this is Donald Trump. Hopefully your favorite president of all time, better than Lincoln, better than Washington, frankly better than Ezra. You may have seen this week I made a major announcement. I’m doing my first official collection of Donald J. Trump digital trading cards. If you want use the technical term, nifties. [It’s written “NFT’s” on the screen] We call them nifties is because it’s so neat. They feature incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career. For example, when I was an astronaut, or me riding a big elephant. Trump cards are each $99. Seems like a lot, seems like a scam. And in many ways it is. But we love the drop cards. We just love them.

You can also get them for free by just going online and looking at them. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe taking a screenshot. But we’d really prefer it if you sent that $99. You’ll get me as a cowboy. Or me melting Biden’s ice cream with my big laser eyes. It sure sounds a lot like Pokemon, but trust me, it’s not Pokemon. I mean absolutely no disrespect to my very good friends Richu, Marill, Nidoran male and Nidoran female. Now I know what you’re wondering – Can they fight? The answer is yes. Who will win between Trump crossing the Delaware and Trump being matrix.

And the best part is each card comes with an automatic chance to win an exclusive mystery prize where you get to pick anything out of this nice box.

[Donald Trump shows a box where there are confidential documents]

Now remember, when you buy a card you don’t get to pick which one you’ll get. It might be me on the cover of a romance novel. Or me doing splits. Me doing Titanic. Or even me as Jessica Rabbit. Wow. Look at the legs on her. Perhaps I would be dating her if she weren’t me. Now, to help me say more, here’s my third least embarrassing child.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Ha-ha-ha. Very funny dad. And so good to be here for the launch of this amazing, totally legit product. These cards are fantastic. And a steal. And I know what you’re thinking, “$99? You can get two grams for that.” While I’m here I also wanted to share I’m selling a new Christmas CD from my fiance, Kimberly Guilfoyle. Hey babe, get that fine little butt out here.

[Kimberly Guilfoyle walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Whooo. Look at that. Whoa!

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Thank you. And I know you’re gonna love this Christmas album that I’m calling ‘Now that’s what no one calls music’. I guarantee you’ll [yelling] sleep in heavenly peace.

Donald Trump: Beautiful. Thank you.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle walk out]

There they go. What a terrible couple. So get your Trump digital trading cards today. They should be at the top of everyone’s Christmas list, really. You know what? Can we pull up my Christmas list? Let’s do it rundown style. Merry Christmas. Okay, we’re all saying Merry Christmas again. Right? I brought that back because Christmas is very important to Christians and to Jewish I think also. Your hearing Merry Christmas a lot more lately just like in Christmas Carol. I was visited last night by three ghosts last night including, I think… You know what? Actually you know what? It was four if you include Epstein, but it’s Christmas all over. With tree and toy and Santa. We love Santa though. We folks, we love Santa. But not Ron DeSanta. We don’t like this Santa so much. I mean that guy looks like a Roblox. And he’s not even much of a Santa, is he? He’s more of a Grinch. And Grinch was very bad when he stole Christmas. But I got it back. I brokered a historic deal with Grinch and Netanyahu. Man, we decided that no Christmas would ever be stolen again. Like how the whites tried to steal the Unobtanium in Avatar but the Navi fought back. They fought back so good. And now you look at Sam Worthington. He’s a great father. Now he’s got four blue kids now. You know, I’ve got four kids too. Five of you include Tiffany. But he’s a great NaVi dad. So in conclusion, Feliz Navidad. Merry Christmas and live from New York, it’s  Saturday night.

The Holiday Train

James Austin Johnson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people traveling inside a train]

james: Final boarding for whatever the stop is before you get to Buffalo.

Steve: I have heard so much about Buffalo, I can hardly wait to get there.

Cecily: Wow. A real Christmas in Buffalo. It’s finally happening.

Martin: Just like dear old Pepoo and Moomoo used to talk about.

Cecily: They’d be so proud of us.

Steve: Well, minus some of the stuff we’ve done.

Kenan: Well, I’m glad I sat with you three. You seem like a fun group.

Steve: You know what? We are fun. Thank you for noticing that.

Martin: Where are you heading, mister. Are you going to Buffalo too? Or Buffalo three? That’s my buffalo joke that I do often.

Kenan: No, I’m just hanging there on business. The only reason anyone would want to go to Buffalo.

Cecily: Only reason? But it’s the best place to see it.

Kenan: See what?

Martin: Are you messing with us? Snow of course.

Cecily, Steve and Martin: [singing] Snow, snow, snow

Martin: It won’t be long before we’ll be there with snow

Cecily: Snow, I want to wash my hands my hair
and ass with snow

Kenan: Oh, wow. That sounds cold. You must really like snow.

Steve: We don’t know, sir. We’ve never seen it. Not in person anyway.

Snow, I want to go outside and talk to bunch of snow

Cecily: Snow, to kiss a great big man entirely made of snow

Martin: Just kiss? You know you never just kiss.

Cecily: Okay. Yeah, maybe more. I’m just so excited for snow. If I close my eyes. I feel like I can almost see it

[They all stand and dance. The train set changes to a snowing montain.]

All: Where it’s snowing? Oh winter crew
what’s where I want to be
Steve: Snowball eating, that’s what I’ll do

Kenan: Eating?

Martin: Oh, I’m going to sleep all night in the snow.

Kenan: Sleep in the snow? Are you crazy?

Steve: For snow.

Kenan: Now I’m excited for snow.

What is Christmas with no Snow?

Martin: No white Christmas with no snow

All: Snow

Cecily: I’ll wash my hair with snow

Kenan: Why not?

Steve: Fill my underwear with snow

Kenan: If that’s your thing.

Martin: And when I see the snow
I’m gonna know is snow

Kenan: I would hope so.

All: Snow.

Kenan: So you really never seen snow? Where are you from?

Martin: The woods.

Kenan: The woods?

Cecily: Yes.

Kenan: Isn’t there snow there?

Cecily: Oh, tons. But we always sleep through it.

Steve: Otherwise we wouldn’t survive the winter.

Martin: No. Don’t worry about that. That’s why we have all these nuts with us.

Kenan: Oh wow. Nuts?

Cecily: [yelling] Those are ours!

Kenan: Okay. Sorry. Listen, it’s getting late.

I’d love to stay up late with you,
but like to get some
should I go to sleep?
And dream…

[The train background set comes back in]

All: Of snow, snow, snow, snow.

[train bell ringing]

Cecily: Well, that song made me sleepy. You know the rules.

Martin: But if you fall asleep, we break the spell.

Kenan: What’s spell?

Steve: Oh, that we won’t get our Christmas wish. Oh brother.

Kenan: What wish?

James: Aw, I was really hoping they’d make it this time. Those bears make the same Christmas wish every year to turn into humans and ride the train to Buffalo to see snow. But they always fall asleep and Hibernate.

[Kenan is now sitting with three big bears]

Kenan: Bears? What are you talking…? Hey, wake up. It’s snowing outside.

James: Shush. Don’t wake them up. Are you insane? They’ll kill us. They’re bears.

Kenan: Oh. Good point. Well, Merry Christmas bears. [sees nuts] Oh nuts.

Bear: Those are ours!

Science Room with Steve Martin and Martin Short

Mr. Science…Martin Short

Dr. Science… Steve Martin

Lonnie… Cecily Strong

Josh… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: PBS Kids. At 3:30, Curious George, we on that same old [bleep]. But first, it’s the Science Room.

[Cut to Science Room intro]

[Cut to Dr. Science Mr. Science and Mr. Science Short in the show set]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Science: [singing] Oh chemistry, oh chemistry
how lovely are thy eye on

Dr. Science: I love that song sodium much. Hey kids, Dr. Science.

Mr. Science: And I’m Mr. Science.

Dr. Science: And what better time than the holidays to learn about the science of snow.

Mr. Science: Helping us out today are today’s Junior volunteers, Lonnie and Josh.

Josh: Hi.

Lonnie: Hello.

Mr. Science: Happy holidays guys. Lonnie, what’s your favorite holiday tradition?

Lonnie: Oh, Christmas.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I love Christmas myself. Josh, what do you want for Christmas?

Josh: Oh, to find out what happened to my brother.

Mr. Science: Okay, well, I was not expecting that. I thought you’d say you want to skateboard or something, but I’m sure your brother will be fine. But hey, let’s talk about snow.

Dr. Science: Now, what do we know about snow? Well, for one, snow forms inside the big things in the sky called… Lonnie.

Lonnie: Stars.

Mr. Science: No. Josh. Starts with a C.

Josh: Si Senor.

Mr. Science: No, the letter C. It’s a C word.

Lonnie: Oh, no. The C word is bad. We can’t say that.

Mr. Science: No, it’s not the C word. Josh. It’s big. It’s white. It’s puffy. It’s…

Josh: My dad.

Mr. Science: Clouds. Snow forms inside clouds.

Dr. Science: Hey, let’s think before we answer, okay?

Mr. Science: Yes, why not?

Dr. Science: Now, snow forms when it gets so cold that the water vapor inside the cloud does what? Lonnie.

Lonnie: Snows.

Dr. Science: No. It’s how water turns into ice. It starts with an F. Josh.

Josh: Photosynthesis.

Dr. Science: That’s double wrong, Josh. Come on guys starts with an F. Free…

Lonnie: Britney?

Dr. Science: Guys. Freeze. Freeze. [Lonnie and Josh stop moving] No, not you. The word was freeze.

Mr. Science: Just like there are rain storms, there are also snow storms.

Lonnie: True.

Mr. Science: I wasn’t asking, but yes that is true.

Josh: Yeah! [Josh and Lonnie do high five]

Mr. Science: No, you don’t high five each other based on… No don’t. No fist bump either. Just stop it. Stop right now.

Dr. Science: Okay, now, for our experiment today, we’re going to make our own snow storm. Now our snow storm will obviously not be as big as a real one. But even if something small, it can still…

Lonnie: Feel good for the girl.

Dr. Science: I don’t follow this.

Lonnie: Because my sister told me that even if a guy has a small thing, it can still feel good if the guy knows what he’s doing.

Dr. Science: Well, that’s a no. Teach a big lesson, you were very, very wrong.

Mr. Science: Your sister however is very, very right. Now, to do this at home, we’ll need some water and a glass. Baby oil. [Lonnie and Josh start playing with the experiment instruments] No, don’t touch that. Please. Stop it. Stop touching, please. Stop it.

Dr. Science: Make sure to have a grown up help you first. Safety first.

Mr. Science: I have a fun safety joke, Josh. KNOCK, KNOCK.

Josh: Come in.

Mr. Science: No, no. Josh, you say “knock knock who’s there?” Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Who’s there?

Mr. Science: Safety.

Josh: Hi, I’m Josh.

Mr. Science: No, no. Do you know know how this works? You’ve never heard? You say “safety who”. Okay? Knock knock.

Josh: Safety who?

[Mr. Science gets so frustrated that he starts strangling the skeleton dummy in the science lab.]

Dr. Science: Hey, hey, hey. Are you okay? Come back. Come back.

Mr. Science: Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Dr. Science: Now, we put everything into our glass here except the Alka Seltzer, which we’re going to drop into simulate what happens when cold air meets warm air. Now, get in close guys. Three, two, one. Science. Wow, look. Josh, what’s going on?

Josh: Not much. We have two weeks off for winter break.

Dr. Science: No. Not what’s going on in your life? In here. What’s going on in here? Do you see what I see? What do you see?

Lonnie: Your finger.

Dr. Science: No. Do you see what I see? Something’s going on. Do you see what I see?

Lonnie: [singing] You see what I see
a star, a start,
dancing in the…

Dr. Science: Shut up, you idiots. Look what we made. It’s a it’s a…

Lonnie and Josh: It’s a me Mario.

Mr. Science: No. It’s not a me Mario. Go to commercial.

Dr. Science: I’m gonna turn the camera off.

Minky

Jen Fonger-Ghang… Heidi Gardner

Minky Carmichael… Martin Short

Sarah Sherman

Punkie Johnson

Jada… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro of ‘How You Treat Your Man’ with Minky Carmichael]

[Cut to Jen in show set]

Jen: Ladies, let’s give it up for the King of the 90s, a man that keeps us in line and looking fine, Minky Carmichael.

[Minky walks in]

Minky: Wow. I’m feeling good. I am feeling good. Welcome to How To Treat your man with me Minkee Carmichael. The show to give advice to other fine females in there looking to land a man and keep his ass. As always, I’m joined by my sidekick, the beautiful Jen Fonger-Ghang.

Jen: I love Minky and I hate foolish women. I started drinking early.

Minky: Yes, you did. Now, would you look at all the beautiful ladies in the audience tonight? Who don’t know a damn thing about how to treat their man. Hit it.

[music playing]

[Jen and Minky start dancing]

Minky: Now, that’s how it is.

Jen: This is my church and Minky is my Priest.

Minky: That’s 100% true. Now, who’s got a question for me?

[The women in the audience are raising their hands]

Minky: Okay, white girl with a little head.

Sarah: Oh, me? Oh, okay. Well, hi Minky. So, after a first day, I didn’t sleep with the guy, right? Because I didn’t want to seem loose. But now he’s not calling me back. What did I do wrong?

Minky: Hmm. Let me consult with my relationship calculator. You went on a date. You didn’t put out. And that equals – Of course he’s not calling back. Hit it.

[music playing]

[Jen and Minky start dancing]

And that’s just how it is.

Sarah: Oh, come on, Minky.

Jen: He said what he said. Shut up.

Minky: Next question.

Ego: Minky, hi. Here’s what’s up. I was on a date and found porno in this guy’s VCR. Is that a red flag? What should I do?

Minky: Girl The only VCR I care about is a very cool rack. Slam it.

[music playing]

[Jen and Minky start dancing]

Jen: And that’s what? Just how it is.

Minky: That’s 100% true. Next.

Punkie: Hi, Mickey. Hi, um, here’s my problem. So I was flirting with this guy. And he gave me his number. But I never called him. Does that make me a bad person?

Minky: Uh, yep. Slam it.

[music playing]

[Jen and Minky start dancing]

I’ve never felt better my life. Next.

Jada: Yes. Hi everyone. I’m Jada.

Minky: No, no, no.

Jada: And I went on a date with Minky Carmichael.

Minky: Can we cut her mic?

Jada: Okay. And I gotta say, he had the worst penis I’ve ever seen.

Minky: Yeah, cut her mic now.

Jada: Now, I’m not trying to be mean but it looks like an espresso cup.

Minky: Man, she’s crazy. That is not 100% True. Anyone else have a question?

Ego: Yeah, I have a question. What was so horrible about Minky’s thing?

Jada: Okay, well the length was okay. Just felt like there was nothing inside.

Sarah: What do you mean by that?

Jada: Okay, like at certain point, he asked me “Do you want me to close it?”

Punkie: Oh, hold up? What was there to close?

Jada: I don’t know. But I would definitely describe it as open, like hollow, like a piece of penne.

Jen: Hey, Minky, sounds like you’re packing the worm from Dune.

Minky: You know what? Let me consult my bull crap detecting computer.

Jada: Hold up, Minky, because looks like I’m getting the fax. Oh my god, it’s from the penis hospital. They say you need an emergency appointment. Slam it.

[music playing]

Minky: No, I’m the one who slams it. You don’t slam it.

Jen: Oh, I’m hearing from the producers that we are out of time and canceled. Which means I gotta go back and finish high school. Bye y’all.

Blocking It Out for Christmas Cold Open

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Sarah Sherman

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with three adults in a Christmas party]

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas.

Kenan: Is it already?

Bowen: Yeah, that’s right. Mariah Carey saw her shadow. That means two more weeks till Christmas.

Cecily: Oh, yes. What a year it’s been.

Kenan: What a three years.

Bowen: I know. I’m still signing my checks 2019.

Cecily: Well, I’m more concerned that you’re still writing checks.

Bowen: You know what I mean. I mean, the whole world is just so overwhelming sometimes. War, climate change, Prince Harry Megan Markel documentary.

Cecily: You’re right. It’s hard not to feel helpless. I think I should be doing more for myself or friends, for society. But then I remember.

[singing] It’s Christmas
and all of my stress fades away

all the problems and issues

and crying and tissues

can wait until January

Kenan: You just give your concerns a delay?

Cecily: Till Christmas

Bowen: Oh, you mean block it all out? Bury your feelings deep inside where they can’t hurt you?

Cecily: Yes, exactly.

Kenan: Like…

[singing] My drinking
it’s starting to get out of hand
I knew that it may have crossed
into a dark place
when Burger King said I was banned

But maybe I’ll just make that my brand.

Till Christmas.

Cecily: You see, you’re getting it. What about you?

Bowen: Oh, I don’t know. Let me try.

[singing] My mental health
my mental health hasn’t been great
I wake up at noon and the sun somehow setting
than I fall back asleep around eight
But I can live in the delusional states

All: For Chrismas

Sarah: Hey, we heard you guys singing about ignoring your anxiety in an unhealthy way.

Ego: You don’t mind if we join you and do a little ooze in the background?

Cecily: Sure. And you know we can complain about specific people too. Like…

[singing] Elon. 

[Sarah and Ego oozing in the background]

Why does he own all this stuff
Why does he have to run Tesla and Twitter
was outerspace not enough?

Bowen: And Hitler.

[Sarah and Ego oozing in the background]

Since when did Hitler come back?
Didn’t we basically all agree years ago
Hitler should never come back

Kenan: And why are all his new fans black?

All: For Christmas.
Let’s block it all out for Chriastmas

Kenan: There’s sober October and no nut November
so let’s introduce no remember December

Cecily: Family visits and you just want to hide
that’s why I drink eggnog with the Xanax inside

Ego: For Easter and who thinks whose lifestyles wrong

Sarah: Forget your uncle who hurt you way too long

Bowen: Your grandma will whisper your living in sin

Cecily: So just TikTok on the toilet till your ass falls in

Kenan: You’re worrying too much when you’re giving gifts
it’s easy here to buy a gun than tickets to Taylor Swift
Ego: Stop obsessing about every decision from Scotis
or the mental well being of our current protest

All: Just focus on who’s gonna die on White Lotus.
Because it’s Christmas.

[doorbell ringing]

[Devon walks in with a box]

Devon: Hey, did somebody order a Grub Hub?

Cecily: Oh, my dinner’s here. I got Italian.

Devon: Yes, that’s one order a garlic bread and 12 bottles of wine.

Cecily: Yes, that’s right. You can leave the wine over there.

Devon: Okay, and did you want the garlic bread?

Cecily: I think you know I don’t.

Kenan: Wow. I feel like all our holiday worries have gone away.

Bowen: Me too. Except for a few things, just off the top of my head.

Schools are failing kids don’t know Jack
Coleman never left and also it’s bad
Cable News is awful but I can put it
R Kelly dropped an album called ‘I admit it’

So I really want to shout
but I’m blocking everything out

for Christmas

All: For Christmas.

Sarah: Okay. So you bury all all your feelings for Christmas, okay? But what happens in January?

Cecily: Oh, then…

We explode
we freak out and threaten our ex
we drink to the point
where we contemplate murderer
and accept Venmo payments for sex
but that’s just what happens next
because for now is it’s Christmas

[Santa Clause walks in]

Santa Clause: Ho-ho-ho-ho. And live from New York… Wait did you say Venmo payments for sex?

Cecily: It’s Saturday night!

Herschel Walker Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

John Cornyn… Mikey Day

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[starts with Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn and Marsha Blackburn having a meeting]

Mitch McConnell: Well Senator, Republicans face an uphill battle on Tuesday.

John Cornyn: I know. Obama was just in Georgia campaigning for the other guy.

Marsha Blackburn: Did you see it? It was like a comedy central roast up there.

Mitch McConnell: I figured guy could use some help. Send him in. Herschel Walker!

[Herschel Walker walks in]

Herschel Walker: Hey there. Mitch McDonald’s. I’m sorry I’m late. I was having too much fun in a free merry go round y’all got out front.

Mitch: That’s a revolving door, Herschel. Have a seat.

John Cornyn: Great job on your campaign. Hershel.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes, excellent.

Mitch McConnell: You remember, former majority whip Senator John Cornyn?

Herschel Walker: No.

Mitch McConnell: Of course, Marsha Blackburn. senator from Tennessee.

Herschel Walker: Oh, Your Highness.

Mkey: Well, Herschel, the midterms wasn’t the red wave we hoped for but we think you can win this Tuesday.

Marsha Blackburn: Yes. The priority now is to get out the vote because you got this big runoff coming up.

Herschel Walker: Oh, well, I’m good at those. My ex wife said all I do is run off.

John Cornyn: No, Herschel, the Georgia run off. The polls show it’s very close.

Herschel Walker: Oh, how close?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, so close, Herschel. Warnock is polling at 50.9%. You are polling at 49.1.

Herschel Walker: Well, then the first priority is to figure out which number is bigger.

Mitch McConnell: Well, the election is this Tuesday, they’ve already started counting votes by mail.

Herschel Walker: Right. But you gotta remember, they still got to count votes by female.

John Cornyn: Sure, but we wanted to talk to you because this runoff is really important, Herschel. We could really use a win right now.

Herschel Walker: Well, you can count on me. I came to two S and kicked bubble gum, and I’m all out a gubble bum.

Mitch McConnell: There’s already three days left. We want to be really careful. And you’ve had some scandals already. Is there anything else we should know in the final stretch?

Herschel Walker: What do you mean?

Marsha Blackburn: Like bad things from your past that maybe people don’t know yet?

Herschel Walker: Oh, yes, definitely. Yes. So many.

Marsha Blackburn: Well, I hate to ask, but can you tell us some of them?

Herschel Walker: Let me see, where do I start? Okay, so there’s this pretty lady that works at the McDonald’s. Right? So I went down there… [the clock’s shows one hour has passed] Anyway, she didn’t want to keep it so I drove it down to the planned Parent Trap.

Marsha Blackburn: Wow, that’s a lot.

Mitch McConnell: I’m gonna be honest. For sure. This might be tough.

Herschel Walker: Oh, don’t worry. I’m feeling very confident about this erection.

John Cornyn: Don’t you mean election?

Herschel Walker: I do not.

Marsha Blackburn: Maybe in the final push, let’s lay low and focus on the message.

Herschel Walker: Exactly. Just like Kanye.

Marsha Blackburn: No, no. On the issues people care about. Inflation, crime…

Herschel Walker: Vampires, werewolves. They’re scary little GEICO Gecko. We’re gonna be looking into all of that.

Marsha Blackburn: Right? So maybe less of that. Or even better, none of that.

Herschel Walker: Really? Because that’s like 90% of my next speech.

Mitch McConnell: Right. Herschel, can we have a moment alone?

Herschel Walker: Oh, sure. You can toss a blanket right over me and I fall asleep like a parakeet.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay. Well, that sounds great. [Marsha Blackburn puts a blanket on Herschel Walker] Night, night.

[Herschel Walker is snoring]

John Cornyn: Well done. So just to be clear, our last hope to win this year is Herschel Walker?

Marsha Blackburn: Yeah, so plan B.

Mitch McConnell: I don’t think we have no choice.

[Marsha Blackburn pulls out the blanket]

Herschel Walker: [talking in sleep] Come on, girl. Don’t take that name for no Big Mac. [wakes up] Oh, I’m sorry.

Mitch McConnell: Hershel, get up. I’m gonna show you something very exciting.

Herschel Walker: Oh, yeah, sure.

Mitch McConnell: Why don’t you take a look up in there?

[Mitch McConnell opens a hugs door size safe]

Herschel Walker: Oh, wow. Look, there’s a little room.

Mitch McConnell: That’s right. It used to be my panic room. Now. It’s all yours just till Election Day.

Herschel Walker: Well, wait, why am I already in there?

Mitch McConnell: Oh, that’s a mirror Herschel. Go on ahead. We got everything you need in there. Get in there.

Herschel Walker: Look at that. They got Lunchables in here and everything.

[Herschel Walker walks in and Mitch McConnell shuts the door]

Mitch McConnell: it’s only for a few days. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.