Weekend Update Senator Marsha Blackburn on Judge Jacksons Confirmation Hearings

Colin Jost

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Several Republican senators were criticized for asking irrelevant sensational questions during the Supreme Court confirmation hearing of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson, here to comment is one of those senators, Marsha Blackburn.

[Marsha Blackburn slides in]

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, Colin. Wow. What a week.  All anyone is talking about are these confirmation hearings. Oh we crushed it. So many great smart questions. Are babies racist? Is murder bad? And those are real questions that my fellow Republicans asked an adult judge.

Colin Jost: Right, right. And what did you ask her?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, I hit her with the coup de grâce? You ready for this? Define woman.

Colin Jost: Define woman?

Marsha Blackburn: Define woman. She couldn’t do it. I mean, hah?

Colin Jost: Well, kind of have a nuanced complicated question.

Marsha Blackburn: Complicated how?

Colin Jost: Well okay, how do you define woman?

Marsha Blackburn: Are you jerking my perm? You honestly don’t know? Colin, It’s simple. It’s biology, Colin, okay? It’s your private parts. But the ones you have when you’re born, but just the bottom private parts because the top ones can like– Or not. You know what? Okay, I’m gonna do– It’s your period. Got to have your period. Unless you’re old or young or pregnant or stressed out or doing gymnastics. No, you know what? Scratch that. I’m going back to baby privates. Final answer.

Colin Jost: Baby privates.

Marsha Blackburn: Colin, it’s not just biology. Okay. Woman is cheerleader, nurse, teacher, prostitute. Come on, you’ve seen them. They’re always cold, they’re the ones that be shopping.

Colin Jost: I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

Marsha Blackburn: Colin, yes, you do. You know woman is like, “Ah, ah, ah”, and man is like, “Oh, oh, oh.”

Colin Jost: Oh my god. You are not making any sense.

Marsha Blackburn: You are just not getting it. Let me show you. Oh, yes. Don’t we love these big stupid dumb ass boards? [pulls in a board] These big stupid dumbass pictures. Okay, come on. Look how simple it is. The color pink. The ones would be have hair does in the far side. Longer thinner cigarettes. They’re having fun dancing around in a commercial for underwear you can pee in. Did you get it, yet?

Colin Jost: I think I get it less.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay, well.

Colin Jost: Why is defining woman even relevant to a confirmation hearing?

Marsha Blackburn: Are you kidding? It is the most important thing for a Supreme Court justice. Because if you don’t know what a woman is, how the hell you’re gonna take her rights away? Can I get an Amen?

Colin Jost: No. Marsha Blackburn everyone.

Shop TV

Dot… Cecily Strong

Rhett… Mikey Day

Thomas Parker-Nubbs… Alex Moffat

Kevin Lickitt… Jerrod Carmichael

[Starts with Dot and Rhett in their set]

Dot: Hello, hello, ShopTV home shoppers. Dot and Rhett back live with y’all.

Rhett: Dot and Rhett? I think Rhett and Dot sounds better.

Dot: Are you gonna  be a pill all hour?

Rhett: Maybe.

Dot: Okay, well, it’s 5pm which means it’s time for a squeal deals. [scary squeal sound] O’Dale! We asked y’all to find a new squeal sound effect weeks ago!

Rhett: Yeah, sounds like someone’s getting killed O’Dale.

Dot: Chillin, O’Dale!

Rhett: Need something light? Okay. Later in the hour. We love him. Here, Thomas Parker-Nubbs will unveil his new line of Christian lunchboxes.

[Cut to Thomas Parker-Nubbs]

Thomas Parker-Nubbs: The artwork features Jesus do and modern young person things. Oh, well, look at that. Is that Jesus got one of those Oculus VR do-dads?

Dot: Oh, kids are gonna flip.

[Cut back to Dot and Rhett. Now, Kevin Lickitt is with them with a doll.]

Rhett: Yeah, well, speaking of kids, our first squeal deal today is an adorable doll.

Dot: Was she gorgeous? And we have the designer here, Mr. Kevin. Now is it Lickitt?

Kevin Lickitt: Yes sir. My mamma always said we was named Lickitt because we so sweet.

Rhett: Aw, that’s adorable. Kind of made me sad though for some reason. I don’t know why. Now, tell us about this pretty lady here.

Kevin Lickitt: Oh no, this is Riley Rainbowlocks.

Dot: Get out. What a clever name.

Kevin Lickitt: Student by day and magical Popstar by night.

Dot: Oh, I love that.

Rhett: Perfect role model for little girls.

Dot: Or little boys. We’ll get in trouble if we don’t say that.

Kevin Lickitt: And here’s the best part. Your child can cut and style rallies rainbow locks however they wish. And when they want to give her a new-do, you just turn this little knob here in the back and our hair grows.

Rhett: Oh, wow.

Dot: Get out of town, that’s amazing.

Rhett: Now you can get this pretty lady for just $34.99.

Dot: Order within the hour and you get an additional outfit and two extra hair spools for free.

Rhett: Looks like shoppers are already scooping her up. Let’s go to the ShopTV phone lines. Hi caller.

Caller: Oh, my niece is going to love this doll. What extra outfit does she come with?

Kevin Lickitt: I’ll show you. By the way, Riley’s very easy to change. It’s all Velcro. Watch this here.

Rhett: Let’s change.

[Kevin Lickitt pulls out the doll’s dress. Her pubic part is also covered with rainbow hair.]

Caller: The hell! Why does that doll have a rainbow bush?

Kevin Lickitt: Oh no, no, no, no, that’s not a bush.

Caller: It sure looks like one to me. That’s a 1970s rainbow bush.

Kevin Lickitt: It’s not. That’s the end of the head spool inside through it. So you can see the span. It’s an anchor point. Any doll maker would know that.

Caller: Well, I’m not a doll maker so what I see is a thick ass vagi-afro. I will be canceling my order. Goodbye.

Kevin Lickitt: I didn’t make a vagi-afro.

Rhett: Y’all don’t need to keep saying that. Don’t keep saying vagi-afro.

Kevin Lickitt: You need it so the spool spins and the hair on the head will grow. It’s doll making Dot0Dot.

Rhett: Okay. Well, if you’re just joining us, this is not private hair.

Dot: It anchors the spool inside.

Rhett: Okay. O’Dale, we got a product image? Yeah, there you go. Throw that up while we put Riley’s outfit on.

Dot: You get Riley rainbow blocks for the ShopTV exclusive price of just $34.99.

Kevin Lickitt: And look who’s all dressed up and ready to hit the beach. [The doll is wearing a swimsuit, and the rainbow hair at pubic part is still showing] Riley is ready for summer with this retro one piece swimsuit.

Dot: You know what?

Rhett: Kevin, I’m gonna try and stick in some of this business.

Dot: No, do not do that. Stop it.

Rhett: It’s sticking in.

Dot: I know. But a grown man poking his fingers around the area.

Rhett: Well, he said the doll’s in college. It doesn’t matter.

Dot: It don’t matter she’s in college. You know what? Come on. Let’s cut away from this close, O’Dale! Well, okay. Let’s talk to some people who ordered a Riley Rainbowlocks.

Rhett: Caller, you’re on ShopTV.

Caller: This is a collect call from a federal corrections facility. Press one to accept this call from the Palmdale pervert.

Rhett: Hang up, O’Dale.

Dot: No, thank you. No, we do not accept that call.

Rhett: It is an icky icky call. In fact you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and put the other Riley we got here. Back up one with clothes on. Now Kevin, tell us what happens if rally runs out of hair from the spool inside. Can it be replaced?

Kevin Lickitt: Oh, it sure can. It’s very easy. Sometimes part replacement can be a little hairy.

Dot: Okay, look at you making little jokes.

Kevin Lickitt: Yeah. So you just push the quick release button here on the back to access it. [he bends over the doll and shows the hair on the doll’s butt.]

Rhett: Okay, now that’s kind of a yucky place to go to.

Kevin Lickitt: Yeah, it had to go here because it has to connect to the panel. Any doll maker would know that.

Dot: You keep saying that as if we’re all doll makers but we’re not, sweetie. You’re finished in there?

Kevin Lickitt: Sorry, the button’s stuck. Sometimes you just gotta wiggle it.

Rhett: Oh, pretty face is facing the camera. Let’s check those sale numbers. Item sold. [units sold has crossed fivethousand.] Oh my god. These are selling like hotcakes right now.

Kevin Lickitt: Sometimes it helps if you release the latch and pull the head at the same time.

Dot: No, no, no.

Rhett: Why would you? We can’t show that!

Dot: Oh no. We’re moving on.

Rhett: Come on, man.

Dot: After the break our next ShopTV squeal deal. [girl scream squeal sound]

Rhett: That’s a worse sound effect O’Dale.

Fox and Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Brian Kilmeade… Mikey Day

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Jenny Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set. Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt are sitting on a show couch.]

Steve Doocy: Good morning, Vietnam. Ha-ha. Welcome to Fox and Friends. That’s Brian kill me.

Brian Kilmeade: Hello.

Steve Doocy: The Ainsley ear and heart.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, y’all are gonna kill me with these jokes.

Steve Doocy: And I’m Steve Doocy here on this gorgeous 30 degree spring New York morning. What a hell hole of a city. Ha-ha-ha. Brian, how was the weekend?

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, very exciting, Steve. I got on True Srocial.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh, President Trump’s exclusive new social media platform?

Steve Doocy: Yeah? Fancy. What’s it like?

Brian Kilmeade: You know, it’s funny. I downloaded the app, opened it in my phone immediately got very, very hot. Like over 140 degrees.

Steve Doocy: Wow, just from the app?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, burned my son actually. Anyway, True Social, five stars.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, guys. Speaking of truth, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Ketanji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children’s book at her.

Steve Doocy: So powerfully.

Brian Kilmeade: Fatality.

Steve Doocy: I’m sorry, Miss Jackson, but I am foe the First Amendment.

Ainsley Earhardt: All right, here to talk about that and the Supreme Court are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas.

[Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas walk in and take seats]

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha. Alright.

Jenny Thomas: Hello, friends.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital? Is that right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. That’s what they say.

Ainsley Earhardt: Yeah? So what’s going on? You feeling okay?

Clarence Thomas: I guess we’ll see.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, for saying you had COVID, but not true, right. Justice T?

Clarence Thomas: Oh, anything is possible.

Brian Kilmeade: Justice Thomas always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January Jeanine Pirro, is that right?

Jenny Thomas: It sure is.

Steve Doocy: And now they want the honorable justice to recuse himself. I mean, you’re allowed to speak your mind.

Jenny Thomas: Yes. And I don’t want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. All I want is a tidal wave of biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to get well, and then we release the kraken.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, well, that is terrific.

Steve Doocy: Uh-huh. Justice Thomas, she doesn’t talk to you about this stuff though, right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Some say yes, some say no.

Steve Doocy: Well, Justice T, it’s so great to have someone here who isn’t afraid to tell us what he really thinks.

Clarence Thomas: Who?

Steve Doocy: Well, you of course, sir.

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. You’re crazy, man.

Ainsley Earhardt: Alright. Great. Well, thank you both so much. Now later this afternoon on Fox, it’s The Five, let’s check in with co-host judge Jeanine Pirro to see what’s in store.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, my only friends. Later on The Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor DeSantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America’s dangerous Ellen’s and Caitlin’s. By the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News family. Now, well, Disney won’t stop until all of Disney World is packed with twinkerbells, Cinder fellas and that gay Mr. Toad.

Then representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at white supremacy. You lost me at arching. And Kyle Rittenhouse to abuse his new cookbook, coming up on The Five.

[Cut back to the show set. Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas have left.]

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much. Judge. That sounds terrific as always.

Jeanine Pirro: You bet. [Opens up a can of beer and drinks] Salut.

[Cut back to the show set]

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, love that. Now this is exciting. I’m hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. Am I correct?

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh-oh. Is he here? Hello? Mr. President. Are you on FaceTime?

Donald Trump: If you build it, I will come. Hello, friends. Can you see me?

Steve Doocy: Mr. President? Wow, what a treat. Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.

Donald Trump: Oh very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-Lago with the golf for the wedding receptions and getting gloves of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, so much to discuss but I gotta ask sir, Did you see the famous slap?

Donald Trump: You know, I did see slap. I enjoyed slap. I was very impressed by Hitch. Quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. Back in pursuit of happiness, he’s lugging the machine on and off the subway. I thought it was great. They slept in the bathroom in that movie. It’s so sad. It’s so sad. But it’s a sad day for Hitch too. It’s a very sad. That kind of behavior is not gonna help Kevin James get a date with [gibberish]

Brian Kilmeade: Absolutely, Amen to that sir.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now sir, the January sixth committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims. So let’s just put this to rest. Did you commit a coup, sir?

Donald Trump: No, no. You know what? There was no coup. It was an event, perhaps a take back event a coup perhaps. But I don’t like coup. I just don’t like coup. I don’t like the P at the end of coup. I think you should take that P and push it. Well, pushing P. Of course if you take off P from coup, you have cow which goes moo, which you know perhaps that’s where they get coup. But Doo-ku-who-do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the bay. But yes, in many ways it wasn’t intentional planned coup. Yes.

Ainsley Earhardt: Right. Okay.

Steve Doocy: But they’re saying there’s this seven hour gap and Whitehouse call logs that day. I mean, you didn’t use a burner phone, did you sir?

Donald Trump: No, not true. Never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6 during that seven. I couldn’t even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, gotcha. But let’s be real sir. The left wants to paint January 6 as some violent revolution. It wasn’t.

Donald Trump: Could have been, should have been, maybe. Violent is perhaps. They used to do violent all the time. You line up the opponents, you go bang-bang-bang, shoot them dead. So easy. So many problems. So many problems. You shoot them dead with a big fat beautiful uncircumcised gun. Now that’s what I call a coup. Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got it all in one? Did anybody hear that?

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Yes! Yes!

Ainsley Earhardt: Congrats sir. Please tell us about it.

Donald Trump: You know I’d love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch right now?

Brian Kilmeade: You’ve got True Social, sir.

Donald Trump: Yes indeed. True Social, the only app with a smell.

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much, sir. We’ll be right back. And…

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Angelo Wedding

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Bride… Cecily Strong

Groom… Alex Moffat

Meg… Sarah Sherman

Jake… Jerrod Carmichael

[stars with an announcer announcing the performer]

Announcer: Next up, we have a special treat, as a gift from the bride’s parents, they have booked her favorite artist, I can’t believeI get to say this. Ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo.

[Cheers and applause]
[Angelo is sitting on a chair alone on a spotlight.]

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Happy wedding. For all days.

[The bride is excited about the performer.]

Bride: Yes! Oh, my God, Angelo! He’s actually here!

Groom: Wait, what is this? Who’s Angelo?

Bride: He’s just my all time favorite. Angelo does covers of, like, any song you want and re-imagines it in the most beautiful and honestly enlightening way. Okay, shh. No, he’s starting.

Angelo: Love for this today in air. Always. Can I get one suggest?

Bride: Stevie, give him a song to play.

Groom: What? Oh, sweet. OK, uh, how about “Brown-Eyed Girl?”

Angelo: ♪S-Say, say it for me?

Groom: Yeah, uh, Brown-Eyed Girl.

[Now, Angelo is lying on the chair.]

Angelo: S-say it for me?

Groom: Brown-Eyed Girl.

Angelo: Brow for Ba-fa-ra-bas [gibberish].

[singing] If I ever see it like that for me

Then I don’t like that

If I ever see it like this for me

Tonight

Thank you for this.

Bride: I mean… Okay, can you believe that? Angelo, bringing the house down at my wedding.

Groom: Oh, yeah. That didn’t sound like “Brown-Eyed Girl” though.

Bride: OK, oh, good one, sweetheart.

Angelo: I — Water for this — [clears throat]

[A weird looking girl walks to him with a glass of water]

Groom: Who is that?

Bride: What? That’s his assistant, Meg. She’s a billionaire.

[Meg is sprinkling water to Angelo with her fingers and Angelo is trying to get water using his tongue.]

Angelo: Another song for this to play.

Bride: Yes! Come on, Steve, do it, sweetheart. Let’s do something fun.

Groom: Okay, um, I guess Prince. Let’s do “1999”.

Angelo: Say for me?

Groom: Come on, man. “1999.”

Angelo: “2002.”

[singing] If I ever see it like that for me

[Melodic gibberish]

If I ever see that for me, like this

tonight 

Thank you for this.

Bride: Oh, my God. God. Even, like, most people won’t even attempt to do a Prince cover.

Groom: Yeah, I’m not sure he did.

Angelo: Now because love and special for tonight, I bring drum here.

[5 walks in with a set of drum.]

Bride: No! Oh, my God, no — no way!

Groom: What? Who is that?

Bride: That’s Jake, the Pride of Ghana. He’s what vulture called “why the world fell in love with drums again.”

Groom: Jake? Why do they have such boring names.

Bride: Oh, I don’t know. Why don’t you ask them, Steve?

Jake: For drums, I need song.

Angelo: For party, one suggest.

Groom: What is happening?

Bride: I’m sorry, do you even hear yourself? I’m sorry they’re not Bon Jovi, you ignorant himbo.

Groom: Himbo?! Okay. I’ll give them a song to play. “At Last.”

Angelo and Jake: S-Say for us?

“At Last.”

Angelo and Jake: [gibberish]

Angelo: Drums for this.

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Groom: No, no, no, two drum hits? Bum-bum? Why is that good?

Bride: Bum-bum. Bum-bum, moron! It’s a heartbeat. The heartbeat of the people of Ghana.

Bride: What?

Jake: Another song for one.

Angelo: Yes. Do it for this.

Groom: Okay, you know what? I’ve obviously ruined everything, so let me try to make it up to you, okay, babe? Uh, it’s the song that we heard the night that we met. How about “I Got a Feeling?”

Jake: “I Got a Feeling.”

Angelo: Black-Eyed Pea-Pea.

Groom: Whoa, alright.

Angelo: [singing] I got a feeling

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: That toniiiiight’s gonna be a good night

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: That toniiiiight’s gonna be a good night

Jake: Come on, now! [Hits the drum randomly]

Angelo: Toooooooonight

Jake: Thank you for this.

Angelo: Thank you for this.

Groom: Wow. Alright, that’s incredible. I get it now. I get it! Yeah.

Princess and The Frog

Cecily Strong

Princess… Zoë Kravitz

Frog… Chris Redd

Dr. Facilier… Kenan Thompson

Firefly… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with the channel intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Disney minus, the movies Disney doesn’t really promote as much. We now return to The Princess and the Frog.

[Cut to the show]

Cecily: [singing] Tale as old as 09′
takes place in a bar
Princess finally black
Why the plot so wack
Princess and the Frog

[Cut to the princess. There’s a frog on her table.]

Princess: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’ve fallen in love with a frog.

Frog: I know it’s crazy, right? I’m like this frog and you’re like this princess. But I guess it’s true what they say. Love is Love is love. I hope I’m not being too forward, Tiana, but will you kiss me?

Princess: Of course I will. Because love conquers all.

Frog: Exactly. You love me for me. You don’t care. And I’m a frog and frogs don’t have penises.

Princess: What was that?

Frog: It’s just a scientific fact. Frogs don’t have penises, but she don’t care. And that’s why I love you.

Princess: Yeah, for sure. And is that something that everybody just knows?

Frog: I think it’s out there. Yeah. It’s one of the first thing that comes out when you google frog penis. You know what? Let’s just kiss and get married. If we could tackle the whole no penis thing, lady.

Princess: Sorry. If you don’t have a penis, what do you have?

Frog: Oh, it’s every woman’s dream. I got balls that just shoot stuff directly on you. No pesky pain is getting in the way.

Princess: Oh, wow.

Frog: Yeah, it’s like they always say. Who needs a straw when I can just throw the milkshake right in your face? Now how about that kiss?

Princess: Yeah, I don’t know. I might have to rethink this a bit.

Frog: Oh, come on. Size doesn’t matter.

Princess: I think it does when it’s zero. How do you even have sex?

Frog: Oh, I’ll explain in great details. You see I climb on your back like this, and I wrap my arms around your body. And then I stay there for two days and I croak loudly in your ear until you lay your eggs. How many eggs do you lay typically?

Princess: I don’t lay eggs.

Frog: Oh, that could be a deal breaker.

Princess: You know, this never came up when we dissected frogs in high school. So…

Frog: You what?

[Dr. Facilier walks in]

Dr. Facilier: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the prince that I cursed.

Frog: Oh, my God. It’s Captain Hook.

Dr. Facilier: What? No. I am Dr. Facilier, the Voodoo witch doctor from this movie.

Princess: So if I kiss this frog, he’ll transform back into a prince?

Dr. Facilier: Only if it’s true love.

Princess: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And what would happen with his penis?

Dr. Facilier: What do you mean?

Princess: Well, apparently frogs don’t have them.

Dr. Facilier: The hell? How do they–

Princess: They just shoot out the nuts?

Frog: On the plus side, I can do oral from like five feet away.

Dr. Facilier: Well, I guess if he changed back to being a human, he would get his penis back.

Princess: Then let’s do it. Let’s kiss and join our souls forever.

Frog: And what if I didn’t have a penis before?

Princess: What?

Frog: Like as a human before the curse. What if hypothetically, it got ripped clean off in a bowling alley? When she kisses me, would it grow back?

Dr. Facilier: A bowling alley?

Frog: I tried to hump the ball return machine as a joke. And the gears sort of tore it clean off.

Princess: Stop saying clean off.

Frog: If you saw it, you’d agree.

Dr. Facilier: Look, you let a weird frog dude. I don’t know what the hell is going on with you, but at least you a prince.

Frog: That’s right. The Prince of Newark, New Jersey.

Princess: Okay, I’m out.

Dr. Facilier: Yeah, even for voodoo, this is messed up.

[A firefly flies in laughing]

Firefly: I reckon it’s about time I introduce myself. My name Ramo. But everybody around here call me Ray. I was the Cajun Firefly in the movie Princess Frog. I might be just about the worst Disney character ever created. Disney asked kids leaving the movie, “What do you think about Old Ray?” Every kid said, “Kill him. We don’t want to see oh Ray no place no way never again.” One time, they invited Old Ray to one of the character breakfasts over at the Disney World. They gave kids metal bats and said, “Go get him. Go kill Old Ray till he dead.” But don’t worry, then today Old Ray gonna be just fine–

[Firefly gets eaten by the frog]

Frog: Oh, damn!

Maid of Honor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Tanya… Cecily Strong

Nate… Chris Redd

Announcer… Mikey Day

Sarah… Zoë Kravitz

Sarah’s husband… Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Nate giving toast for his friends’ wedding]

Nate: You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me. But that’s only because he’s two inches taller. But I’m so happy for you, buddy. I love you, bro. To Matt and Tanya. Cheers.

[Announcer walks up]

Announcer: Okay, how about a hand for Matt’s best man, Nate? Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m chewing that was just an incredibly short speech. It opened with the look down on me, Joe. And then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong. But still a very nice speech from Nate. Okay, now let’s hear from the maid of honor, Tanya’s best friend, Sarah. Come on up, Sarah.

[Sarah walks up]

Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Matt, let me tell you something. You’re really lucky guy. Because Tanya is the best girl in the world.

Matt: Aw. Yeah, she is.

Sarah: Girl’s like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked.

Matt: [feeling uncomfortable but smiling] Okay.

Sarah: She’s always had my back. Even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, “Sarah, if you’re sober enough to drive, then I believe you.” And that meant the world to me, girly. And when I’d stumble, when I’d make a mistake, she’d never make me feel bad. She’d say “Girlie, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody knew that thing was loaded.”

Matt: Did she shoot someone?

Tanya: Shh, babe, I’m trying to listen.

Sarah: And when she’s going through a tough time herself, she doesn’t complain. No. She dances, professionally.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Tanya: Babe, shh!

Sarah: She’s not perfect.

Tanya: No way.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Sarah: She’s been a bit of a bride Zilla. And not just because she’s attacked a lot of Japanese people. I am in awe of her. I don’t know about all of you. But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya.

Matt: She’s joking, right?

Sarah: She believes in love. When I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. Everyone else said, “You’re a monster.” But what did you say, Girlie?

Tanya: You’re not a monster. You’re just his math teacher.

Sarah: That’s right. Love is love. Right baby?

Sarah’s husband: [pouring salt on his food. He is very young.] No doubt.

Sarah: But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girlie, I know you remember this? We were at a protest fighting for justice and you got right in that cop’s face. No fear at all. And do you remember what you said?

Tanya: I’m storming the Capitol and I’m gonna kill Mike Pence.

[Now Sarah is starting to get worried]

Sarah:  That’s right. And Matt, you make her so happy. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how’s the chemistry in the bedroom?

Matt: [laughing] No. Hey, here we go.

Sarah: And she said he’s trying his best.

[Matt is disappointed]

And that’s what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she’s dragged home over the year.

Matt: Hundreds?

Tanya: Shh, baby!

Sarah: I’m sure maybe he’s not famous like Steve O’ from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. Maybe he’s not mysterious, like Bam from Jackass. But he puts in the work like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.

Matt: So you just got with the whole Jackass gang?

Tanya: Honey, I listened to your friend speech. Okay?

Sarah: She loved you right away, Matt. After your first date, she said I met my person. And she deleted all the dating apps, Match, Tinder, ChokePony, Tour Dark Web browser, all of them? At least I think she did. Ha-ha-ha.

Tanya: No, I did. Come on. You can check my phone. [pulls out three phones out of her purse]

Matt: Why do you have three phones?

Sarah: So yeah, she loves you, man. And I know when she’s finally able to get her kids back, they’re gonna love you too.

Matt: What kids?

Sarah: And all those kids’ dads are gonna respect you.

Matt: What kids and what dads?

Tanya: Shh!

Sarah: Not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight’s ex. But you do Matt. You do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers.

Tanya: Thanks, girlie.

Matt: [thinking to himself] I’m gonna die.

Workplace Harrassment

Maria… Cecily Strong

Donald… Oscar Isaac

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Deborah… Aidy Bryant

Lyle… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Maria and Donald holding the HR meeting]

Maria: All right, everybody settled?

Donald: Everyone settle in, okay?

Maria: Let’s settle in everyone.

Donald: Please settle, please settle.

Kevin: We’re settled.

Donald: Okay. All right. For those of you who don’t know us, my name is Donald.

Maria: And my name is Maria. And we are your HR representatives here at Lynx Pharmaceuticals.

Donald: That’s right? We’re the ones that you come to when you have anonymous complaints. Like when Deborah told us what Kevin was doing.

Kevin: [looking at Deborah] You ratted on me, Deborah.

Deborah: I didn’t. I did not. No. I mean, why would I even care that you wait outside the women’s room and say “How did it go in there?”

Kevin: Just a simple good or bad would suffice.

Maria: Guys? We’re not here to lecture Kevin again.

Donald: God knows we spent enough time on Kevin, thanks to complaints from Deborah and Lyle.

Maria: Guys, today is our annual harassment seminar. And I know what you’re thinking, “We have to sit through this again? I’m gonna blow my fricking brains out.”

Donald: “Argh! This whole spiel again? I’m gonna blow my god damn brains out.”

Ego: Please stop saying that.

Maria: We promise we are going to get this over with as quickly as possible so you can get back to work.

Donald: That’s right. And Kevin can get back to peeking under bathroom stalls.

Kevin: [looking at Lyle] You told him about that?

Lyle: Your face was fully under my stall.

Maria: Okay, this is real simple, guys. We’re just going to run through a couple scenarios and you guys tell us whether they’re appropriate or inappropriate. Okay?

Donald: Here’s the first one.

Maria: What if Maria says to Donald – “Wow, looks like those workouts you’ve been doing are really paying off.”

Ego: I would say that’s inappropriate.

Maria: Wrong.

Donald: Let’s try another one. Okay, what if Donald said to Maria – “Wow, how often are you going to the gym? Your body is seriously fantastic.”

Deborah: I mean, that’s very inappropriate.

Donald: Sorry, no.

Maria: Try to really focus this time. Maria comes up behind Donald and says, “Damn, do you live at the gym or something? Because that juicy booty slack.”

Bowen: Wildly inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s not because I’m her boss.

Maria: See? Try to really listen, guys.

Donald: Okay. What if Maria’s boss said to Maria – “Hey, when are you going to start banging out kids? The clock is ticking baby.”

Bowen: Again, very inappropriate.

Maria: What if my boss is my grandfather? And he just really wants grandkids.

Bowen: Okay, but he shouldn’t be saying it at work in front of other people.

Deborah: And wait, I thought Donald was your boss.

Donald: [mocking] I thought Donald was– You know what? This isn’t a game Deborah. Next slide.

Maria: Donald says to Maria – “Hey, N word, are you going to the gym later? Or am I gonna have to drag your thick ass there myself?”

Bowen: It’s really awful and inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s fine.

Ego: Actually, it’s not.

Maria: He didn’t mean that N word. He meant nice.

Bowen: He was saying “Hey, nice”?

Maria: Yeah. Because he’s a chatty and he says “Hey, you’re nice”, all the time.

Ego: That’s also inappropriate.

Donald: Not if she is my boss.

Lyle: Also, why  all of these examples about the two of you?

Maria: Wow! The two of us? That’s how you see it.

Donald: Wow. So you see a man and a woman working together, so automatically you think they’re having raw intercourse?

Lyle: No one said that.

Maria: You see a woman in a hot skirt suit, nothing underneath and just because your eyes are going “Ahoo-kaa” hoping she’s gonna take a bite out of her boss’s fat bottom sandwich, that automatically means they’re about to have raw intercourse.

Deborah: Stop saying raw intercourse.

Donald: Oh, will you shut up Deborah? Kevin was worried about what he said during the investigation. You are an uptight bitch.

Deborah: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Maria: Exactly. [Maria and Donald start clapping]

Donald: You hear that? It’s clapping.

Maria: We’re clapping for you. Because we’re not your HR representatives.

Donald: No. We’re from a group called “It could be worse.” And we show employees that no matter how bad your workplace environment might be, it could be worse.

Maria: It could be way worse.

Ego: What are we supposed to do with this information?

Donald: Right? So I want you all to walk back into your offices, take a deep breath, just start typing.

Ego: He has no idea what we do.

Donald: Right when you’re finished taping your types, you just go home for the day. The women to their hunky husbands and the men to their shrill, nagging wives. And I want you to think about us and how we showed you a new way to work, a new way to live, maybe even a new way to love.

Maria: You’ll wonder, “What ever happened to those two? Did they end up going to the men’s room and having raw intercourse?”

Donald: And the answer is yes. Yes, they did.

[Maria and Donald walk out] [Kevin is wearing a GoPro camera on his forehead]

Kevin: Unrelated, which stall are you going to be using?

All: Kevin!

Fox News Ukraine Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Steven Seagal… Bowen Yang

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now live from Mar-A-Lago, it’s the Fox News Ukrainian Invasion Celebration Spectacular.  With your hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram.

[Cut to the show set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening everyone, I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like a pair of both shoes came to life.

Laura Ingram: And I’m Laura Ingram and when I watch Harry Potter, I root for Voldemort.

Tucker Carlson: We got into a weird a bit of trouble for all the nice things we said about Russia and the mean things we said about Ukraine.

Laura Ingram: We did sound pretty awful in hindsight and foresight.

Tucker Carlson: I kept asking why do we hate Putin? Aren’t liberals in America even worse?

Laura Ingram: Right. And I called the president of Ukraine pathetic. He stayed and fought with his people in the war, and I called him pathetic from a news desk in Washington.

Tucker Carlson: I kept saying we should be more worried about our own border getting invaded by Mexico, but in my defense, I am racist. So I thought that was true.

Laura Ingram: But tonight, we’re gonna make it up to you. We’re raising money for the real victims of this invasion, the oligarchs, because we need to think about the babies. Their Sugar Babies who will pour vodka in their mouths. So many horny mouths to feed.

Tucker Carlson: So please open your wallets. And because this is Fox News, you can either send money or take out a reverse mortgage. So far, we’ve raised over 8.3 billion rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

Laura Ingram: And this is incredibly exciting. Former and current President of the United States, Donald Trump is manning the phone lines himself.

Donald Trump: [talking on the phone] And you know, the thing about Rihanna is you know what, she could pull it off, but she could be nine months, body’s still incredible. It’s just wow. But now you’re gonna have a lot of women. We’re seeing this right now. Threes, fours, frankly trolls, wearing the same see through shirts. You know what? I hesitate to say whales because I know the whales are very popular with the whales. I do great with whales. You know, they come up to me on the beach and they say “Thank you, Mr. President.” You know, the blowhole is blasting away to Donald Trump00 feet in the air. It’s how they salute me.

Tucker Carlson: Okay, welcome back to Mr. President. Because our first guest is here. He’s a great American patriots, so great that he left America and became a Russian citizen, the puffy hast action star in the world Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Thank you, Tucker. Oh, what a global crisis we are facing. As someone who proudly pretends to be both Native American and Japanese, I feel for all people.

Tucker Carlson: Now, you’re close with President Putin, right?

Steven Seagal: Yes, Putin and I are, as they say in ancient Japan, Eskimo brothers. So I will be honoring Putin by performing an authentic taekwondo exhibition. Hai-ya Hai-ya Hi-yo. Now, it’s time to honor myself with a traditional Japanese shamrock shake, the efficient feasible beverage of all Aikido exhibitions. Haiy-ya.

Laura Ingram: Thank you, Steven. Now, let’s get back in with the man who said Putin’s invasion was very smart and also said China should invade Taiwan next. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: [still talking on the phone] My favorite food is probably bread and more specifically, bun. I like bun. Bun is great. Especially with respect to burger. You know what? Now they want to go beyond burger. Can you believe that? I want to stay right at Burger. Beyond is not good. Joe Biden has gotten beyond burger and it is not going so well. And you know what? Neither has reboot a Fresh Prince. It’s very different and I’m laughing and I’m laughing and I’m laughing but I don’t know why.

Laura Ingram: I do hear a dial tone on the other end of that phone. So let’s hear what kind of prizes we’re giving away tonight.

Tucker Carlson: Laura, we’re sending every Russian soldier a Fox News care package. And that includes My Pillow, a six month subscription to LifeLock, and Tucker Carlson0 American flag catheters.

Laura Ingram: All courtesy to tonight’s sponsor Acorn Stairlifts. You’re going to heaven soon. Practice going up with Acorn Stairlift.

Tucker Carlson: Now, please welcome America’s first couple, the real Prince Harry and Meghan Markel, Don Jr. And Kimberly Guilfoyle. They’re going to be performing duet in honor of Russia and Ukraine coming together.

[Instrumental to “Shallow” playing]

Kimberly Guilfoyle: [singing] Tell me something boy
Don’t you love that big Russian Convo
or do you need more?
This invasion gets me so damn hard

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle: In the shaa-shallow
we’re far from the shallow now

Kimberly Guilfoyle: I’m off the deep end
we should take Ukraine
it’s more white than black

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. I’m gonna cut that one a little short. Thank you, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Is there a bathroom with a mirrored counter nearby?

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, man, it’s Mar-A-Lago Okay. All right, guys, you know I do have a quick announcement. Is anybody driving a yacht with a license plate “niet means da”? Your boat is currently being towed by NATO.

Laura Ingram: Also, Putin has just criminalized free speech and shut down all independent news organizations.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, so I’m thinking can we please do that to CNN?

[Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram laughing]

Laura Ingram: Every time I laugh, an Angel dies.

Tucker Carlson: Now, let’s take a quick break. When we come back, we’ll be giving away a free T shirt.

Laura Ingram: That’s right. The front says “I stormed the Capitol”, and the back says “This does not constitute an admission of guilt”.

Tucker Carlson: And plus, win tickets to see Matt Gaetz do a live reading of his favorite Russian novel, Bolita.

Donald Trump: And I’ve got something I’d like to say to Putin as well. Vladimir, I want you to hear this from me. You was smart, you was kind, you was important. And here’s a little song for me to you.

[singing] My funny valentine
sweet comic valentine
you make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
unphotographable
Yet you’re my favorite work of art.

Laura Ingram: [interrupting] Thank you so much–

Donald Trump: [continues] Is your figure less than Greek
is your mouth a little weak
when you open it to speak
are you smart?

Tucker Carlson: [interrupting] Alright, that’s more than generous–

Donald Trump: [continues] But don’t change a hair for me
not if you care for me
stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine’s Day

I love you, Vlad

Laura Ingram: I know he loves you too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Monkey Trial

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Judge Tango… John Mulaney

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Kenan and Melissa at the court]

Melissa: Thanks again for taking my case.

Kenan: How could I not? Your neighbor keeps a wild monkey as a pet in a residential neighborhood? You go over to say hi and get mauled. It’s not right.

Melissa: Do you think we’ll get a settlement?

Kenan: Absolutely. Unless we wind up with the wrong judge.

Police: Oh, yay. Oh, yay. All right, the Honorable Judge Tango presiding.

[Judge Tango walks in like a monkey]

Kenan: Yeah. That’s a tough break. We got the monkey judge.

Melissa: A monkey judge?

Kenan: Yeah, he was appointed last year by that governor who loved pranks and struggling with addiction.

Judge Tango: Please be seated. No one look me in the eye. Do not make any noises that I do not know. I do not feel cornered. So, we can begin. I have decided to allow cameras in this courtroom. However, if I see my image in the monitor, I will think it is a rival monkey. And I will completely lose it. Also let the record show that I’m fairly close to completely losing it. The court recognizes the shape in the blue with the gray. Proceed.

Kenan: Thank you, your honor. My client went to say hello to the defendant and his pet monkey Gumbo.

Judge Tango: No Gumbo.

Kenan: What?

Judge Tango: [pointing at himself] Tango.

Kenan: Yeah, I know. I’m talking about a different monkey.

Judge Tango: Yeah, no Gumbo. Tango.

Kenan: Should I keep going?

Judge Tango: Yeah, but I’m going to throw a little sand to show dominance.

Kenan: Alright, okay, so my client was at the defendant’s house when out of nowhere, his pet monkey grabbed her hat and–

Judge Tango: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Was this the same hat you normally wear? Or was it in any way different?

Melissa: Well, normally, I wear an orange bucket hat. And this time I had on a green baseball cap.

Judge Tango: Let me get this straight. You walked up to this monkey as a different shape. And you expected what? For him to just be cool with that? For you to not feel his insane breath on your face as he broke all the bones in your body with the strength of 30 men?

Kenan: Well, he is in a hanging mood today.

Melissa: Are you sure? He’s smiling?

Kenan: No, he’s baring his teeth.

Melissa: It’s hopeless, who can reason with a judge like this?

Cecily: [wearing protective gears] May the defense approach the bench in a slow deliberate way holding a birthday cake?

Judge Tango: The court recognizes the shape he normally associate with treats.

Cecily: As I approach, your honor, I’d like to notify the court that I am wearing perfume but I am not fruit.

Judge Tango: The court appreciates the clarification. I will take the cake and I will place it on my pile of shredded newspaper. And also I’ll take that shiny thing. [takes the police badge from the police] Let the record show that this shiny thing was his and now it is mine. And so it goes into the newspaper with the cake. And now I have one many things. I know visually what I have.

Cecily: You are the Alpha?

Judge Tango: Yes.

Kenan: Objection. Your Honor. It is obvious that you’re favoring the defense.

Judge Tango: That is ridiculous.

Cecily: Your Honor. I love judge.

Judge Tango: I love you.

Cecily: I love judge.

Judge Tango: You our baby. Judge love baby. Bring judge baby. Judge love you. Judge favored defense.

Melissa: Oh, come on!

Kenan: Yeah, we moved to request a new judge.

Judge Tango: Are you suggesting that I’m not competent? Tango made these pieces match. [showing kids’ stickers] Sure, it was a bit of trial and error, but I did it. I won the juice. I’m getting tired and I feel slightly cornered and this is all getting so, so dangerous. So, I’m just going to dismiss the entire–

Kenan: Wait! Wait! I’d like to call a surprise witness.

Judge Tango: Unless that surprise witness is a ratty old stuffed animal for me to violate, I assure you the court is not interested in being startled.

Kenan: Well, I got some good news for you judge. [pulls out a stuffed animal from behind]

Judge Tango: [happy and jumping] That side wins! That side wins!

Male voice: Next time on Monkey Judge, a public urinator mark the wrong territory and get the maximum penalty. His penis ripped off his body. Monkey Judge.

Blue River

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Jenny… Heidi Gardner

Daniel… John Mulaney

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Rebecca and Jenny bumping into each other at a grocery store at pet section]

Rebecca: Oh! Sorry. Jenny!

Jenny: Oh, Rebecca! Hi. Looks like we’re both buying dog food today.

Rebecca: Well, not really. I’m buying Blue River dog food, which is real food, which my Gunther really appreciates. Right, buddy? I mean, have you ever looked at the ingredients on that big name dog food you’re buying?

Jenny: They seem fine to me.

Rebecca: Really? Okay. Well, then, why don’t you read them out loud? In front of your dog?

Jenny: Okay. Corn, chicken, corn gluten meal.

Rebecca: Sorry, what is that? [mocking] Corn gluten meal?

Jenny: No. I think you heard me. How much do you pay for Blue River? Like, $80?

Rebecca: It’s not $80. It’s $73.99. It’s actually only 32 cents more a day than what you pay monthly?

Jenny: No, it’s not.

Rebecca: Actually it is. If you take the difference in the prices between the two bags and divide that by 28, 28 days in a month, right? Seven days in a week. Correct?

Jenny: Correct. Correct.

Rebecca: Yeah, right.

Jenny: I should be going okay.

[Jenny tries to leave, but Rebecca keeps her holding]

Rebecca: 28. 28 days, four weeks is a month, right? So divided by 28, which we both agreed this month, it comes out to 32 cents a day monthly. I guess I wouldn’t be like bragging about all the savings because it’s actually not as much as you think.

Jenny: No! That math doesn’t make sense.

Rebecca: Oh, you don’t think so? Why don’t we ask my husband? Daniel!

Jenny: Oh my god! I don’t care.

[Daniel walks in. He looks at Jenny’s dog food and looks disappointed]

Daniel: Oh my god. You’re not planning on feeding that to your fur baby, are you?

Jenny: She likes it, okay? And I’m saving money.

Daniel: 32 cents a day monthly? That’s worth it to you? For your dog not to be able to walk?

[Jenny’s dog is a pug. She has kept her dog on her grocery stroller cart.] [sad music playing]

Rebecca: [being emotional] Oh my god. That’s why the dog’s been in the stupid cart. It can’t walk because of the food. The dog has just been sitting there and I think subconsciously, I knew what that meant the whole time, but I wasn’t even ready to show that to myself to show me that.

Jenny: Okay, look, she can walk.

Daniel: [yelling] People like you should be hung in a public square. [looking at Rebecca] Okay, look at me. I can fix this.

Rebecca: [sobbing] I just feel like these animals have no voice. Who will be their voice?

Daniel: You will. Rebecca Anbush. Look at me. Look at Gunther. Look at prime time. Look at Wantan. Look at Alexander. You always, always have been their advocates and their voice more than anyone, anyone who’s ever lived.

Rebecca: I know. I know. But it’s like it’s too late. I mean, the dog can’t walk. It’s just sitting there humiliated.

Daniel: He will walk. If it starts eating Blue River today. Now for the love of God. Look your dog in the eye and listen for the first time in your life.

Jenny: Fine! Felicity What do you want?

[Rebecca goes to Jenny’s back and whispers in her hear]

Rebecca: I want Blue River dog food, mommy.  Feed me Blue River dog food, mommy. I wanna walk. It’s only 32 cents more a day monthly. I don’t want a corn gluten meal. Listen.

[Chloe walks in looking at Jenny]

Chloe: Do it! Do it! Do the right thing. It’s not too late.

Jenny: Oh my god. Fine. I will buy the Blue River, okay? [She puts in the Blue River dog food] May I go now please?

Daniel: Definitely.

Rebecca: God, we just saved that dog’s life.

Daniel: Not we. You. And you know what else? I think I’m ready to do it. I think I’m finally ready to make love to you.

Rebecca: What? It’s working?

Daniel:  If this is what I think it is, it’s working.

Rebecca: Everyone! He says it’s working.

[Everyone is cheering for them]

Chloe: Congratulations.

Rebecca: We’ll go really slow.

Daniel: Thank you.

Male voice: Blue River dog food, if you want your dog to ever walk again.