Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.

Gorilla Glue

Denzel Commode… Kenan Thompson

Latrice Commode… Regina King

Chantel… Ego Nwodim

Darius… Chris Redd

Wendy… Cecily Strong

Tasha… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Denzel Commode and Latrice Commode in their set. They both have damaged hair]

Denzel Commode: So, it happened to you?

Latrice Commode: Your worst nightmare.

Denzel Commode: We’ve all been there. You ran out of hair product and you used Gorilla Glue instead?

Latrice Commode: And it turned your beautiful luscious mane into a hard candy shit.

Denzel Commode: Hi, I’m Denzel Commode.

Latrice Commode: And I’m Latrice Commode. And if this has happened to you, you are not alone and this is not your fault.

Denzel Commode: And you are not dumb.

Latrice Commode: Fact, everyday as many as one people fall victim to sue a Gorilla Glue in place of a beauty product. And they deserve compensation.

Denzel Commode: We all do. You should not have to go through life with hair like a lego man. Because one time you used Gorilla Glue instead of Dath Wave Greese.

Latrice Commode: We will get you moneys for Gorilla Glue or the next best thing, a life time supply of Gorilla Glue. But don’t just take our word for it.

[Cut to Chantel. He has damaged hair too.]

Chantel: My name is Chantel. I ran out of leaving conditioner, so I reached for the next best thing, Gorilla Glue. Seems harmless, right? Well, it was not. And before you jokers on the internet say I should have read the damn label, I did. It just says, “Really strong glue and dangerous.” That can mean anything, Gorilla Glue. You gotta pay!

Denzel Commode: Oh, and they will or my name isn’t Denzel Commode.

Latrice Commode: It’s a mistake that can happen to anybody. Like brushing your teeth with preparation H.

Denzel Commode: Or putting on floor wax because you was ashy. Who among us?

Latrice Commode: Fact. Bug Gorilla is a multi-billion dollar industry. And we deserve half.

Denzel Commode: Or double. Here’s somebody else.

[Cut to Darius. He’s wearing a doo-rag.]

Darius: My name is Darius. I used Gorilla Glue on doo-rag so it wouldn’t slip off at night when I’m doing my girl. Now, imagine my surprise when it wouldn’t come off at all. I mean, what the heck? I got to sing at a wedding in four days. Oh, we coming for you, Gorilla, tell them, baby.

[Wendy walks in wearing a really nice dress]

Wendy: That’s right. And when we’re dong, we’re coming for you too, Sharpie and Silly Putty. Look what your putty did to my butt. I sat down on a —

Denzel Commode: Look, we are not stupid people. We understand what we’re up against.

Latrice Commode: We know it’s going to be hard taking a Gorilla to court and suing him over his glue.

Denzel Commode: What if he get mad and start tearing up the court room?

Latrice Commode: But that’s a risk we are willing to take. This gorilla is problematic and needs to answer for his so called beauty glue.

[Cut to Tasha. She looks fine, but she has a red marking on her forehead.]

Tasha: My name is Tasha and let’s just say I tried to give myself an infinity stone little oozy did. And now it’s stuck on me permanent or whatever. And I’m not going to say it don’t look tight. Ha-ha-ha. But it burns, y’all. Damn you, gorillas.

Denzel Commode: Fact, gorillas are notorious for throwing their own doo-doo at folks. Even at little children.

Latrice Commode: So, it is not hard to believe they will also trick us into using that glue as beauty product.

Denzel Commode: Open and shut case, if you ask me.

Latrice Commode: So, if this has happened to you like it’s happened to our family [all the victims walk in and join Denzel Commode and Latrice Commode. Turns out they’re one family. Darius has his hands inside his pants.]–

Denzel Commode: Call us today. We know we can’t be the only family.

Wendy: Don’t be silenced by big gorilla.

Latrice Commode: Son, get your hands out your pants. We’re doing a commercial.

Darius: I can’t. It’s Gorilla Glue.

Latrice Commode: No, not again.

Denzel Commode: Look, we are not stupid people. So, call us at one-eighthundred-Glue. We coming for you, Gorilla.

Birthday Gifts

Trish… Aidy Bryant

Regina King

Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a group of women celebrating birthday]

Ladies: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Trish: Oh my god, look at all these gift bags. You girls did too much.

Regina: Well, it’s our best friend’s birthday. You know we were going to go all out.

Heidi: Yeah, get in there, Trish.

Trish: Okay. Oh my gosh. Oh, it’s one of those cute little wooden signs. Look. “Dinner choices – Trish. Take it, Regina. Leave it”]

Cecily: That’s from me. I don’t know. I thought you could hang it next to your “Life happens, coffee helps” sign in the kitchen.”

Trish: I love it. You guys know how much I love art.

Regina: That is so dang cute, Sue. Where did you find that?

Cecily: Home Stuff.

Chloe: Oh, Home Stuff rules. Open another one.

Trish: Okay. Alright. Let’s see here.

Heidi: It’s another sign. I’m sorry. I copied.

Trish: Oh, wow. [pulls out the sign] “Wine gets better with age, I get better with wine.” Okay, guilty. You girls know that’s true.

Regina: We do.

Heidi: I thought you’d like that. There’s another small one in the bag.

Trish: Oh. Okay. Wow. Oh my. Oh my gosh. [pulls out another sign] Okay, I had to read this one twice. “CAn you drunk how tell I am?” Ha-ha-ha. Cute. You girls are so bad.

Regina: That was my favorite.

Heidi: You know, it was either that or “Everything happens for a reasoning”.

Cecily: Oh, that’s funny too. That’s a tough call.

Regina: Okay. This one’s from me. I think we all had the same idea.

Trish: Okay. Alright. [pulls out the sign] “I like you better when I’m effed up”. Okay.

Regina: There’s another small one and it’s my favorite.

Trish: Okay. “Hey Barkeep, I wanna die tonight.” Wow. Thank you.

Cecily: You’re gonna run out of wall space soon.

Trish: Yes.

Chloe: Here’s one more.

Trish: Oh gosh. Okay. “I drink too much”.

Cecily: Aww.

Regina: I came this close to buying that one.

Cecily: Me too. Me too.

Heidi: Oh my go, that is so funny.

Regina: That was my favorite.

Trish: I don’t see the joke in that one though.

Chloe: Well, it’s like, “Look at me. I drink too much.”

Regina: Yeah. And look, the woman on the sign looks just like you. She’s cute.

Trish: I don’t see that.

Cecily: No, she does. Look closer.

Trish: I did.

Regina: Here’s another one. It’s my favorite.

Trish: Okay, well, you’ve said about all of them. So– Oh, wow. “I did ‘dry’ January. I never took a bath all January because I was always too hammered and I was worried I would slip under the surface of the water.”

Cecily: Aww.

Trish: Okay, I think I’m done with this.

Heidi: No. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s your day. Enjoy the attention. What’s this one? [passing a bag]

Trish: Okay. Let’s see. [pulls out the sign] “I put wine bottles in other people’s recycling bins so the garbage men won’t know how much I go through in a week.”

Cecily: Aww!

Trish: That’s not an ‘aw’. These are not nice.

Regina: What do you mean? I thought you love these. I thought these little signs were your favorite.

Trish: I mean, they are. But like, “Live, laugh, love”. Not, I don’t know, “My sponsor thinks I’m in bed.”

Heidi: I mean, I can exchange it for everything happens for reason.

Trish: Okay. But these are all about drinking. I mean, are you guys trying to tell me something? We all drank during lockdown. We’re just moms having fun, aren’t we?

Cecily: We just thought they were cute. Here, Trish, this one’s not about drinking. [passing a bag]

Trish: Okay. “Home, where the ‘ho’ and ‘me’ come together.” Well, I guess that one’s okay.

Regina: Another small one.

Trish: Okay. “I am sexually promiscuous and my house is dirty.” I don’t understand these.

Heidi: Here’s another small one.

Trish: “I’m outdoorsy. I drink outside.” Great.

Regina: And then this part lifts down.

Trish: [Trish pulls down the back side of the sign. There’s another sign behind.] “I bring a few bottles outside and drink under the trampoline. I’m fine as long as no one gets on the trampoline.” [Trish pulls down the back side. There’s another sign behind.] “Basically I just it in dirt and drink.” Okay, I am done with the party. Thank you.

Regina: Oh no, Trish. Come on. We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I guess we should have talked to each other before we bought all these.

Cecily: Hah. We just wanted you to have fun day. We thought they were cute.

Chloe: Yeah. We got carried away.

Heidi: I mean, there is one more but you don’t have to open it.

Trish: Oh, just let me see it. Okay. “I love the nights I can’t remember with the friends I can’t forget.” Well yes. I guess that one I can drink to.

All: Cheers. Happy birthday.

Heidi: That flips down.

[Trish pulls down the back side. There’s another sign behind.]

Trish: Okay. “Also I am cross fades as F.” I don’t even know what that means.

Regina: I think that’s my favorite.

Hot Damn

Beck Bennett

Dan Levy

Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with people walking out of a restaurant]

Beck: Are you serious? It’s the super bowl and your TV is broken?

Waiter: Yeah. I just got off with the owner. He’s coming down with another flat screen right now.

Waitress: I told Lee to buy a new TV.

Ego: How long is it gonna be? I have 500 bucks on this game.

Waitress: Guys, it’ll be back on before the second half.

Kenan: So what? We’re gonna be sitting here in silence until he shows up with a new TV?

Waitress: Well, I mean we could, I don’t know–

Waiter: I guess we could sing football songs.

Waitress: Oh. That’s a cute idea. We can sing football songs.

Waiter: Yeah. Everyone loves football songs.

Beck: What are football songs? Give me an example.

Waiter: Well, “Hot Damn” is one.

Alex: “Hot Damn” is one what?

Waitress: A football song. They played every Super Bowl. You will know it.

Ego: Wait, are you thinking of [humming] da-da-da-da-da?

Waiter: No. I’m not thinking about that. Why would I be thinking about that one? I said I was thinking of “Hot Damn”.

Beck: Well, I have never heard of it.

Waitress: Yeah. You have though. It goes something like00

[singing] Hot damn, I want to score the winning goal
Waiter: You will, you will put through the football hole

Waiter and Waitress: It’s a foot, it’s a ball, we just won,
Oh my god, hot damn!

Kenan: Okay.

Waiter: So, you do remember?

Kenan: No. I do not. I remember what you just did. And I will remember that for a while. But I do not remember it as a song.

Ego: And what is a football hole?

Waitress: I don’t know. It’s a song.

Waiter: I’m sorry if we’re not entertaining you enough.

Waitress: Yeah. I guess we could all just look at porn on our phones.

[Alex is reaching out for his phone.]

Beck: No, sorry. You’re right. [Alex stops himself] It was good.

Waitress: Well, that’s not even the whole thing.

Waiter: I know. It’s like, a fraction of a larger song.

Ego: Got it.

Waitress: I mean, if you’re literally begging us to sing it–

Alex: Uh, we’re not.

Waitress: Hot damn, you’re a chief and I’m a buc

Waiter: Not friends, but I don’t really give a… what?

Waiter and Waitress: So we run and we buc and we kiss and we love hot damn

Ego: Okay. You’re wearing dance shorts.

Waitress: Yeah. Well, it’s a sports bar.

Kenan: Near broadway. Are you two from broadway?

Waiter: No. We’re not from broadway. They want us to look sexy and I think we’re doing it.

Alex: Okay. So, this song is about two football players who kiss?

Waiter: I think they’re just excited because they won the game.

Beck: But they are not on the same team.

Waitress: Who is not?

Beck: The people.

Kenan: This song is not good.

Waitress: You know what? I think that’s probably because we’re stopping and starting.

Waiter: Yeah. We’re leaving too much room for people to interject with their thoughts.

Waitress: So, since you’re literally begging…

Kenan: We’re not though.

Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I swear that I’ll eat my bra

Waiter: You gotta give the ball on the square

Waiter and Waitress: Oh, don’t get mad at us, puts on the bus
smack you ahead.

Kenan: We don’t know this song.

Waitress: You do.

Beck: We don’t. Unless it’s something like…

[singing] Hot damn, I’m in the zone

Ego: Hot damn like Tim Tebow

Alex: So we pun and we kiss and we love
and that’s slight too damn

Kenan: No!

Waiter and Waitress: If I don’t score a touchdown right now
I’ll touch your back in the car

Beck,Ego and Alex: The cheerleaders are calling to say

All: Were tired and here’s what we did,
we ran away.

[all run behind the bar]

Waiter: Tap break behind the bar.

Kenan: I am on Google right now and there’s exactly one song called “Hot Damn” and it was released in twothousandtwo by hiphop duo Clipse. It is not this song. This song is not real and those taps are not real.

Waitress: Well, maybe these tap hats and canes will help you remember.

Kenan: They will not!

All: Call in special teams, know who I mean
get in the game

All: Hot damn like Tim Tebow
and we rush and we kick and we puc
and we sing and we sing
and we dance and we kiss
hot damn

Ego: I guess we did remember that song.

Beck: Hey! This TV is unplugged. You just wanted to do your number.

Waitress: Yeah. And if you tell anyone, we’ll kill you.

Waiter: We’ll kill all of you.

Waitress: Okay, now let’s do it again. And really sell at this time.

Kenan: Hell, I knew y’all was a–

What Still Works Cold Open

Kate McKinnon

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Derrick Boner… Pete Davidson

Jack Dorsey… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Tom Brady… John Krasinski

[Starts with Kate McKinnon in her set.]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for “What Still Works?”

[cheers and applause]

Kate McKinnon: Hello. Hello and welcome to what still works where we look at every part of American society and wonder what still works? It’s a new year and we have a new president. So, something should work. But do they? Our first topic is ‘Government’ and already I have my doubts. Joining us is a congress woman from Georgia who’s been promoting QAnon conspiracy theories. Please welcome Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hi. Thanks for having me. [pulls out a gun and offers it to Kate McKinnon] Gun?

Kate McKinnon: No. Thank you. I’m good.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: Congress woman Greene, hard to say those words together. What are some of the theories you believe in and have been promoting?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: How much time you got?

Kate McKinnon: For you, very little.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Well, first off, I believe the Parkland shooting was a hoax. The teachers were actors and the children were dolls. I believe 9/11 was a hoax. Did anyone actually see it happen? I’ve also told my supporters that they should physically murder Nancy Pelosi. She’s just a lady I work with.

Kate McKinnon: Yes. I know. Thank you.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, and this is a new and it just came out. I think that the California wildfires were caused by Jewish space laser.

Kate McKinnon: So, there are lasers in space that cause wildfires and lasers identify as Jewish?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, correct.

Kate McKinnon: And those are real things you believe and tell other people about?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Um-hmm, yes.

Kate McKinnon: And you’re a US representative?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: You represent the US?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: People can google you and it will say – she’s a real member of the US government?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That might not be the first thing that comes up but yes.

Kate McKinnon: And when your colleagues found out about all these hateful and psychotic things you said, what did they do.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I was promoted to the education committee.

Kate McKinnon: Okay, thanks for coming. So, government doesn’t work. [Marjorie Taylor Greene walks out] And honestly, I regret not taking that gun. Now, let’s take a look at the stock market. That usually works, right? That’s where people invest all their retirement money, so should probably work. Here to help us answer that question is the new majority shareholder of GameStop, Derrick Boner.

[Derrick Boner walks in]

Derrick Boner: Hey. Wad up? This is crazy, dude. By the way, my name is Derrick Evans, but I made you say boner.

Kate McKinnon: Terrific. Now, would you say the stock market still works?

Derrick Boner: First of all, it’s pronounced ‘The Stonk Market’. Hell yeah, it works. See, I told you. I put all my money in GameStop and I can’t lose.

Kate McKinnon: Uh-huh. So, normally a stock price reflects the company’s value, right?

Derrick Boner: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: And two weeks ago, GameStop was valued at $Kate McKinnonTom Brady a share and then it went to $Jack DorseyKate McKinnonDerrick Boner a share. Would you say that reflects the kind of business GameStop stores have been doing in the past two weeks?

Derrick Boner: Um, we sell games?

Kate McKinnon: Right. But are you good at it?

Derrick Boner: Not really. People download all their games now, so we’re kind of like– I don’t know, what do you call it?

Kate McKinnon: A dying business?

Derrick Boner: Yeah. That’s it.

Kate McKinnon: Right. So, your price should have gone—

Derrick Boner: Down?

Kate McKinnon: But instead it went–

Derrick Boner: Up the most?

Kate McKinnon: So, now it seems like–

Derrick Boner: The entire system is a joke?

Kate McKinnon: Exactly.

Derrick Boner: Interesting. Hey, you wanna buy my stonks?

Kate McKinnon: I’m good. Thank you. But out of curiosity, who else invested in GameStop?

Derrick Boner: Oh. Ja Rule.

Kate McKinnon: Best of luck to you. [Derrick Boner walks away] So, the stock market no longer works. Next, let’s look at social media. Some might say it never worked, but let’s ask two experts, Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey and and Facebook Founder, Mark Zuckerberg.

[Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk in. Jack Dorsey takes a seat and Mark Zuckerberg stays standing as there’s only one seat.]

We can get you a chair, Mark.

Mark Zuckerberg: I prefer to stand. It makes my legs work just as hard as my brain. Ha-ha-ha. Dab! [dabs] Hah! Leg-dab. [jumps and does the leg-dab]

Kate McKinnon: He’s one of our best and brightest. Guys, you’ve had to suspend the accounts of many prominent conservatives who are spreading lies and in-sighting violence. How did that go?

Jack Dorsey: Not well. It seems to have force those people on to darker, scarier apps where they’re delusion and blood lust can run wild.

Mark Zuckerberg: And fundamentally, Facebook still works. Not only does it help form communities online, it has helped people meet and connect in real life. For example, at the Capitol. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jack Dorsey: And while we’re gathering opinion with what works, would you say that my chin-beard is working?

Kate McKinnon: It’s working in terms of keeping me a lesbian. Thank you so much for joining us. [Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk out] Our next topic the vaccine rollout. Is that working? Joining us someone who has just received the vaccine, OJ Simpson.

[OJ Simpson walks in]

OJ Simpson: How is it going, gang? Great to see you, everybody. [He is wearing a house arrest ankle monitor] I don’t get out much, so this is fun.

Kate McKinnon: So, OJ, you got the vaccine?

OJ Simpson: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: Teachers can’t get vaccines but you did?

OJ Simpson: That’s correct.

Kate McKinnon: People with long term lung conditions can’t get the vaccine but you did?

OJ Simpson: Absolutely.

Kate McKinnon: So, among the first 3% of all Americans given the vaccine, was OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Hey, guilty as charged. About the vaccine.

Kate McKinnon: Alright. The vaccine rollout, it doesn’t work. Thank you so much for coming.

OJ Simpson: Honestly, my schedule was wide open. [ankle monitor starts beeping] God, this thing makes me so angry. [angrily] I swear I could just– [Kate McKinnon is getting scared of OJ Simpson and he notices that] Hey, stay cool, juice.

[OJ Simpson walks out]

Kate McKinnon: Cool. And our last topic tonight, Tom Brady. Is Tom Brady working? Here with his thoughts is Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady walks in]

Tom Brady: Thanks for having me.

Kate McKinnon: Now, Tom, this is your tenth Super Bowl appearance?

Tom Brady: That’s right.

Kate McKinnon: You’re 43 years old but you’re 27.

Tom Brady: I haven’t been eating sugar for 15 years.

Kate McKinnon: You went to historically one of the worst franchises in football and in your first year, you took them all the way to the championship?

Tom Brady: That’s right. But, it’s really team effort, you know?

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Don’t even try it. No one believes there’s anyone else on the team. My point is, you still work.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You’re supposed to win football games and you just keep winning football gmes.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You might be the only thing in America that still works.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: So, I guess everyone must be rooting for you, right?

Tom Brady: Almost no one.

Kate McKinnon: Well, you know what? I’ll be rooting for you, Tom Brady because you’re the only god damn thing this country can still rely on. And it’s not like you’re a weird Trump guy or anything, right?

Tom Brady: [does’t answer] Thanks for having me. [stands and walks away]

Kate McKinnon: And thank you for watching what still works. I’ve been Kate McKinnon as myself slowing losing my mind along with all of you. Stay strong. Or weak. Weak is a great option too. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update Cathy Anne on the Capitol Insurrection

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the Capitol riots behind us, people are still trying to figure out how so many people got swept away by such a wrong headed movement. Here with her take is the lady that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Well, well, well. Do my eyes deceive me?

Michael Che: How are you, Cathy–

Cathy Anne: Wait, wait, wait. I’m doing a poem for you. Tis the east and Michael Che is the sun, so I give him my moon. [Cathy Anne stands and tries to open her pants.]

Michael Che: No, no. Hey, Cathy Anne!

Cathy Anne: Ha-ha. I’m just playing around. Lighten up.

Michael Che: Well, you’re supposed to be here to talk about the insurrection at the Capitol.

Cathy Anne: Right, right. Let me tell you, I was glued to the TV during that insurrections.

Michael Che: Oh, so you were watching it?

Cathy Anne: No, I was glued to a TV. Man, it’s been a lot pandemic, okay? Sometimes, you get your huffing glue mixed up with your Purell. I’m only human, man.

Michael Che: Okay, but you got to admit that the riot was pretty shocking.

Cathy Anne: Oh. Do I? I’m not shocked. That’s our right to premises. Listen, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time, right? The local pervert ain’t gonna have a business suit under a trench coat next time. It’s always going to be his privates. Oh, and by the way, how can anybody say whits are supreme anyway? I’m white and whenever I wake up in a dumpster behind IKEA, I never think, “Wow, score run for the master race.”

Michael Che: Why did you wake up in an IKEA dumpster?

Cathy Anne: Because I fell asleep in there. What? You don’t get tired, Mr. Hollywood? Of course. You know what? These republicans ain’t gonna do nothing about these traitors even though they’re the ones that are going to be killed, right? What the hell is wrong with them? You know, that remind me of opossums.

Michael Che: What? Why?

Cathy Anne: You know, coz opossum’s got only two move. Either they hiss or they play dead. “Hiss! Hiss! Oh, Donald Trump!” [acting like playing dead]

Michael Che: You’re pretty good at this.

Cathy Anne: Yeah, well, I had to play dead once. I got tapped at the eight pass at the zoo. The mother gorilla must have thought I was one of her’s, you know? She just yanked me right up as I was walking by. Took the zookeeper three darts to knock the mama out. Five to knock me out.

Michael Che: [laughing] It took more darts to knock you out than a gorilla?

Cathy Anne: Would you quit flirting? Sagging me with those eyes? You know what the sad thing is? They all got played, right? Trump only pardoned his rich friends. You know what? I could use one of those pardons, right? But they only cover high crimes and misdemeanors, and my crimes were very high. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Yes, I get it.

Cathy Anne: You get high … crimes?

Michael Che: Oh, yes, I get it.

Cathy Anne: Drugs?

Michael Che: No, we get it, Cathy Anne.

Cathy Anne: You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Yeah, drugs, got it.

Cathy Anne: Yeah? You…

Michael Che: I got it.

Cathy Anne: Okay. Now everybody’s just worried about more insurrections around the country, right? How to make sure it don’t happen no more. Hello, I know how. Put them in prison. That’s where they should be, right? They’re Nazis. And you know what? Actually, I think they like it because prison’s got all the things white supremacists love. Other white supremacists, drama, lounge wear and chicken fingers. You know what? In fact, I think they would thrive. They have found it.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Twins

Mischa Shumway… Cecily Strong

Dale Tillman… Beck Bennett

Craig Steer… John Krasinski

Jacob… Mikey Day

Josephine… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mischa in her news set]

Mischa: I’m, Mischa. This is “The Dividend”. It’s been a wild week on Wall Street. Here to break it down with me is an investment analyst, Dale Tillman.

Dale: Always a pleasure, Mischa. Glad that it worked out that I could be here.

Mischa: Be quiet. You have nothing going on. And joining us from his home in Connecticut, economist, Craig Steer.

Craig: Talk about easy commute. I just had to walk from my living room.

Mischa: Now, a number of hedge funds got caught with their pants down this week when Reddit users drove the price of GameStop up executing a short squeeze. Craig, your thoughts?

Craig: Listen, I think you know how I feel. Right? Power to the people. I mean, why shouldn’t Joe Schmo get rich using the same tactics as Johnny hedge fund?

Mischa: Craig, I’m sorry, but can I ask what’s going on with the art work behind you?

Craig: Oh! My daughter painted that. It’s called the Restless Sinner. She’s very talented. Both my twin daughters, actually. My son Jacob makes these terrific sculptures. I think I have one right here. [Craig pulls out a long human baby toy with MischaDale hands.] Yeah.

Mischa: Oh!

Craig: This one’s called centi-pediatric. Anyway, sorry to show off. I’m just a proud papa.

Mischa: Okay. Well, your twins are certainly talented. But I’m a little worried some viewers might find that Gory painting and baby centipede unsettling. Can you maybe cover them up so we don’t see them?

Dale: Yeah. I think that’s a good idea. I’m pretty unsettled. Could you maybe move your camera?

Craig: Well, I don’t know. I got a desktop here. Let me see. [Craig moves forward to see the computer, so now we can only see his sweater from close.] You know guys, really sorry. [Craig takes his seat. Now, there are his twins behind him looking creepy.]

Mischa: Oh!

Dale: My god!

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Craig: Oh! Look up. Cameo alert. Here they are. There’s the twins. Jacob, Josephine. Guys, why are you in here? I told you to play outside while dad was working.

Jacob: The neighbor boy showed us pornography on his phone.

Josephine: We didn’t look away. We liked it, father.

Jacob: Why did we like it, father?

Craig: Well, you know what? We’ll talk about it later. Just go play. [looking at the camera] Kids, am I right? Sorry about that guys.

Mischa: Yeah. Well, Dale, what’s your take on all this?

Dale: I don’t know. Maybe they’re home schooled or something?

Mischa: I meant the stock market, Dale!

Dale: Oh, that. Well, I think Craig’s got it all wrong. I mean, this sort of market manipulation is dangerous.

Craig: Okay. Hold on. Now, what is dangerous about–

[Craig’s video freezes.]

Mischa: Craig? Looks like you froze there. Craig, can you hear me?

[when Craig is back, the twins are also behind him]

Craig: Sorry about that. I’m back.

Mischa: Oh my god!

Josephine: Why does Dale disagree with you father?

Jacob: I don’t like Dale. [devil voice] Dale makes me angry.

Dale: Guys, I’m sorry.

Craig: Guys, go. Let daddy work. Okay? So, maybe go make a snack.

Josephine: May I make us mustard on toast?

Jacob: I want to make it. She is stingy with the mustard.

Josephine: Because you are indulgent with the mustard.

Craig: Okay, guys, please.

[Jacob and Josephine leave]

Dale: Craig, your twins know that we just have difference of opinion and I’m not your enemy, right?

Craig: [laughing] Your’e too much, Dale!

Dale: I’m serious.

Mischa: Well, this obviously has Wall Street worried for a lot of reasons. What should they be most concerned about? Craig?

[now Jacob and Josephine are so close to the camera that you can barely see Craig]

Craig: I am so sorry, Mischa. Listen guys, for real, daddy’s working, okay? Say good bye. Love you.

Jacob: Good bye.

Josephine: Goo bye, [devil voice] Dale.

Dale: I hate that she said my name.

Mischa: Yeah, better you than me. Well, today’s viewer poll asked the same question, what’s Wall Street’s biggest fear? 17% of you said increased market manipulation while 83% said those twins. Have to agree.

Dale: Craig, maybe your twins could come back. I thought I didn’t like seeing them, but it’s even worse when I don’t know where they are.

Craig: Okay, Dale. I see what’s going on here. You’re afraid to have a little bit of a debate with me because you worship at the alter of the hedge fund. Now, what’s wrong? You getting a little hot under the collar there?

[the twins are behind Dale now]

Dale: I don’t feel hot but I just got really cold.

Mischa: Okay. We’re going to take a quick break. Keep in here.

Pandemic Game Night

Keith… John Krasinski

Goldie… Cecily Strong

Angela… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Brad… Beck Bennett

FBI agents… Mikey Day, Punkie Johnson

[Starts with six adults in a house having a fun night.]

Keith: Alright. This meeting of the Warren Street covid bubble is now on session.

Goldie: Ah! I am so grateful we get to to this once a week. If I didn’t have this bubble, I would go insane.

Angela: Oh, yes. You have to have a pod that you can trust.

Kyle: Amen!

Keith: Alright. Who’s ready to play pioneer’s, a mountain pass?

Heidi: You know I am. I’ll be shopkeep.

Keith: Alright. Well, I guess I’ll be mayor’s daughter again.

Brad: [standing] Uh… I think I hear a pizza man at the door. Excuse me, uh… that will be… uh… I’ll be going to get the pizza, fellow forgers. I don’t know.

Keith: You know we’ll save you for the game, Brad.

[Brad opens the door. There’s an FBI agent.]

7: Brad Dobbit, you’re under arrest for storming the Capitol.

Brad: Yes, I am. You got me.

Heidi: What? Brad? You stormed the Capitol?

Brad: I’m sorry, everyone. I wasn’t in the bathroom that day. I was out at DC stopping the steal with my boys.

Goldie: Oh my god, Brad! Why on earth would you do that?

Brad: Because I care about our nation and its constitution. So, I wet jelly on a statue and put Pelosi’s phone on my pants.

Kyle: So, that’s what you did?

Brad: What else was I supposed to do? The guy I wanted to win didn’t win.

7: Alright. Let’s go.

Brad: Well, let me grab my coat first.

Angela: My god. I can’t believe this. I mean, is this really happening?

[Brad wears his fur coat and horns cap]

Brad: Tell my story.

7: Alright.

[7 grabs Brad by his hand]

Brad: Ouch! My hand!

Kyle: Oh my god! Did any of you know about this?

Heidi: No. I mean it’s Brad. Sweet, angry Brad.

Angela: Wow, I am floored. You think you know someone and then this happens.

Keith: I know. Well, let’s start the game. Shall we?

[door bell ringing]

Angela: Yes. Oh, well. I bet that’s the pizza.

Keith: Alright, but hop to it Angela because we got a lot of pioneering to get through.

Angela: Okay. Quit reminding us.

[Angela opens the door. There’s a female FBI agent.]

8: Angela Barnes, you’re under arrest.

Angela: Okay, I know that.

Kyle: Angela?

Goldie: Not sweet, racist Angela?

Angela: It’s true. I’m a patriot unlike this bubble of cucks.

Kyle: You’re gonna go to jail!

Angela: Ah! It was worth it. I had sex with Chuck Norris. At least he told me he was Chuck Norris. He kept saying, “You still think I’m Chuck Norris, right?”

8: Okay. We’re taking you in.

Angela: Well, let me just get my stuff, please. Okay. [Angela wears her Uncle Jam American flag hat with white beard] Now, Uncle Jam says don’t trade on this.

[7 pulls Angela out of the door]

Kyle: Is anybody else freaked out that two of our friends just got arrested?

[door bell ringing. Keith stands to answer the door.]

Oh no. Not you too!

Keith: Dude, you know me better than that. Okay?

[Keith opens the door. A guy wearing pizza delivery outfit is there.]

It’s just a pizza guy.

9: Or is it? [he opens his fake outfit. He is also an FBI.]

Keith: Dammit!

7: Are you Keith Renault?

Keith: Yes. Or Q-daddy on Facebook, marketl.

7: [looking at Goldie] Are you Goldie Flemming?

Goldie: I am. And I want my phone call.

7: That happens later, ma’am.

Heidi: Oh my god! Not crazy Goldie and dishonorably discharged Keith!

Keith: Alright. How did you find us?

Goldie: Was it our post on Instagram?

Keith: Or was it out check-in on Facebook?

Goldie: Or when I Venmoed him $10 to kick Pence’s ass?

Keith: Wait, did the hardware store tell you what I bougth?

7: We found this.

[7 pulls out a photo of them when they were there]

Goldie: Oh, yes. Then yes, guilty as charged. May I grab my cape that celebrates my southern heritage?

7: No.

Keith: May I quickly put on some face paint?

7: No!

Goldie: Oh! And this is the America you want to live in? I ask you

[Keith pulls out a podium and carried it with him]

Keith: Good day, all!

[7 takes them with him]

Kyle: I don’t get it. I mean one of them was my wife.

Heidi: I know.

Kyle: You just don’t know anyone anymore. Do I even know you?

Heidi: No. You are under arrest. [Heidi shows Kyle her FBI card.]

Kyle: Okay. Can I grab my crossbow please?

Heidi: No.

[Heidi starts pushing Kyle to the door]

Kyle: [screaming] But I’m a state senator!

Opening Credits Songs

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Anya Taylor-Joy… Melissa Villaseñor

David Harbour… Beck Bennett

Julie Andrews… Cecily Strong

Nicholas Braun… Pete Davidson

Gillian Anderson… Kate McKinnon

Kim Cattrall… Chloe Fineman

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

Kelsey Grammer… Alex Moffat

John Krasinski

[Starts with Nicole Kidman’s intro]

Male voice: If you’ve watched “The Undoing”, you might have noticed that one of the stars of the show, Nicole Kidman, sang the theme song.

Nicole Kidman: [singing] Why am I alone, it’s blue as can be (my son)
dream a little dream of me

Did you notice my coat?

Male voice: We did. Inspired by Nicole, stars of your other favorite shows now singing their theme songs on ‘Now that’s what I call theme songs sung by the stars of the show’. So, enjoy this original theme song that was cut from the opening of “The Queen’s Gambit”.

[Cut to Anya Taylor-Joy]

Anya Taylor-Joy: [singing] Chess and drugs and drugs and chess
girl playing chess, then doing drugs
then playing chess
now when you see people playing chess
now you will know, they’re on drugs

Male voice: And hey, if you like Stranger Things, you’ll love the new season four opening credits performed by Sheriff Jim “Hop” Hopper.

[Cut to David Harbour]

David Harbour: [singing] Welcome to the 80s, I’m about to blow your mind
in Hawkins, Indiana, scary aliens you’ll find

lots of kid actors but they’re actually good
there’s something strange in your neighborhood

Oops! That’s Ghostbuster, girl!

Male voice: And Julie Andrews, the narrator of “Bridgerton”.

[Cut to Julie Andrews]

Julie Andrews: [singing] Sex, lots of color blind sex
sex, we put on costume for sex

but why do these opening credits
look like a screensaver from the 90s? 

Male voice: And wow, check out Cousin Greg from “Succession” lending his own unique style to their theme song.

[Cut to Nicholas Braun]

Nicholas Braun: [singing] Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Succession

Male voice: And what about Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher singing the theme song for “The Crown”?

[Cut to Gillian Anderson]

Gillian Anderson:  [singing] This is the crown

Alright

Male voice: Pretty sure that was the theme song from “The Voice”. And you’ve probably heard the rebooting “Sex and the City”. Kim Cattrall is not in the new show but she does sing the theme song.

[Cut to Kim Cattrall]

Kim Cattrall: [singing] Sex an the City without Samantha
doesn’t that sound fun?

it’s Sex and the City without the sex
hope you enjoy the city

Ah!

Male voice: And don’t miss the opening theme to “The Mandalorian” as performed by Baby Yoda.

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha.
oh, yeah, what?
turn it up, turn it up, yo
Yo, come on, now, yo
Mandolorian, native Californian

Enough! This beat is whack! I got to wrap to this? Come on, now?

Male voice: And now that Frasier is back on Pika, Kelsey Grammer has release a brand new version of the theme song. But he has modernized the lyrics as only Kelsey Grammer can.

[Cut to Kelsey Grammer]

Kelsey Grammer: [singing] Hey, maybe I hear you Instagramming,
TikTok salads and Twitter eggs
Reddit

Male voice: And finally, John Krasinski sings the long lost lyrics to the original “The Office” theme song which he wrote himself.

[Cut to John Krasinski]

John Krasinski:[singing] Scranton,Scranton, Scranton,
Scranton, Scranton, Scranton, Scranton
that’s where we all live and work

that’s a calculator
there’s Dwight, he’s the bad guy
and the hero’s name is Jim
highlighting, that’s his girlfriend
that guy’s on the phone,
tie flip, then there’s me again
then Carell does the trophy thing
the office

Male voice: Stars sing the songs from the shows they’re on. Available wherever I am. Come and find me.

Holiday Baking Championship 2020

Host… Alex Moffat

Louisa… Lauren Holt

William… Timothée Chalamet

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Beck Bennett, Cecily Strong

[Starts with a show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Holiday Baking Championship on the Food Network.

[Cut to the set. There are four contestants and one host. The contestants have covered their cakes with a present boxes.]

Host: Alright, bakers. Today’s challenge was ‘holiday wishes’ where you had two hours to make the cake of your holiday dreams. First up before the judges is home baker Louisa.

Louisa: Merry Christmas, your honors.

Ego: No, Louis, we’re not that kind of judges.

Louisa: Phew! Ha-ha-ha.

Beck: Okay. Why don’t you tell us about your cake?

Louisa: Thank you. Growing in Texas, snow is a rarity. [explain her dream cake] So, I dreamt of a winter wonderland made of peppermint butter cream. It looks like Mr. Elf has taken a day off from his shelf with his taffy skis and coconut lime ski hat.

Cecily: That’s so cute, Louisa. And I loved the sense emotion. Are you ready to show us?

Louisa: I am. [Louisa reveals her cake. It looks really bad.] I messed up. It’s bad.

Ego: Oh, no. What happened? Did you get too ambitious?

Louisa: Yeah. Bit off more than I could chew and then I choked on that bite, and then I threw up this.

Beck: And the legs?

Louisa: Are a plastic baby doll. I am sorry.

Cecily: Should we taste it?

Louisa: As long as you’re not allergic to mustard. I failed.

Host: Wow. Not a great start. But next up is amateur college student, William.

William: Hi, judges.

Cecily: Hi, William. I love your hat. Why don’t you tell us about yourself?

William: Well, ma’am, , I shouldn’t even be here today because, well, two years ago I was hit by a car.

Cecily: You poor thing. Hit by a car?

William: Yes, ma’am. I got in a fight with Lightening McQueen at Disney World. Yeah. In my defense, I was drunk.

Beck: Why don’t you just tell us about your Christmas wish?

William: Well, my Christmas wish is, I wanted diversity and peace. So, I made a cake with Santas around the world. El Nino Dios from Mexico, Baba Noel from Afghanistan and Hoeiosho from Japan.

Ego: Oh my goodness. That’s maybe the most inspired design concept we’ve had on the show.

Cecily: I know. I’m tearing up just a little bit thinking about it. Can we see it?

William: Oh, yes. Of course. [William reveals his cake. It looks bad. It looks like a butt hole.] Oh no. God! It didn’t work.

Beck: Oh my god! What is that?

William: I don’t know. I put it in the oven and it came out like this.

Ego: Can we show that cake on TV?

William: What do you mean?

Beck: Well, it looks like– Well, it looks like one of two things.

William: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Beck: Why is it puckering?

[The cake is moving]

William: I think maybe it needs to go outside.

Beck: What? No. I don’t like that. Next.

Host: Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us about your cake.

Sandy: Well, my Christmas wish was also of unity. [Sandy just reveals her cake. It looks really great.] I made a cake depicting children from all over the world singing around the tree. Tada! What do you think?

Cecily: [not giving much credit for the work] Oh, it’s cute.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: That’s it? That’s what you’re going to say?

Ego: It’s just kind of busy. My eye doesn’t know where to go.

Beck: I say you kind of copied William’s concept.

Sandy: Well, he didn’t even make it.

William: Oh, no! [Brown stuff starts coming out of the ‘butt hole’ of William’s cake.]

Cecily: What’s happening?

William: I don’t know. I think the chocolate lava cider maybe got too hot. I don’t know. My life is cursed and so is this cake.

Sandy: Ew! I see corn.

William: That’s a marshmallow. Grow up.

Host: Okay. Well, last but not least is Ralph. Ralph, I’m thinking this one’s your’s to lose, pal. What was your Christmas wish?

Ralph: My wish is for something you don’t see every Christmas. But when you do, oh boy! Is it special.

Ego: Alright. Let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. It has a penis on it.]

Beck: So, it’s a Christmas turkey?

Ralph: No, sir. It’s penis and balls of course.

Beck: Got it. Nice job.

Sandy: Nice job?

William: Oh god! Help. It’s got me. [William’s hands are getting sucked inside the cake]

Cecily: Wow. Well, we have another tough decision to make.

Beck: Yes. But not Sandy, right?

Host: We’ll be back with the judge’s decision right after this.

William: Oh, no. Seriously, I need help guys. Please.