Summer Gig

Treece… Kenan Thompson

Cassie… Natasha Lyonne

Brad…  Kyle Mooney

Helen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a band playing on a stage]

Treece: [singing] And so I pulled up my pants,
and I said, I see you at work.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Kingston residents inn. Once again, we are the Treece Henderson Trio. So glad that you joined our big kickoff to Summer Celebration. We got a hot show to get back to but before we do, my allergies are exploding. Can I ask if anyone has a little bit of Nasonex in their purse? Just a little squirt of Nasonex. Maybe the tiniest pump of Nasonex. It would really get me through this experience. I’ll put a condom on the nasal insert, so can it doesn’t get infected. Can I get that squirt? Am I speaking clearly? I have asked for Nasonex at least TreeceTreece times. Nasonex. Now,

Cassie: Nobody has it Treece.

Treece: Okay, fine.

[music playing] [singing]Tweedledee rolled
Tweedledee bun,
soon we’ll eat hamburgers
in the summer sun

[Cassie playing harmonica really good]

Alright. Let’s meet the band. On keyboards it’s Brad Dates. And his last name is Dates, but he hasn’t had one in six years.

Brad: I’ve been married for 10, Treece. [playing keyboard]

Treece: Hey, this is just show pattern. I don’t know. Also here tonight. It’s Helen.

Helen: I’m Helen. I don’t play an instrument. I’m just here to dance.

Treece: Well, we love how it helps out the band. And finally on harmonica is my roommate and landlord, Cassie Marie.

Cassie: Watch me blow this [playing harmonica]

Brad: Yes. Cassie, yes.

Treece: Yes, that was fire, Cassie Marie. I thought you’d be phoning it in tonight considering the state I found you in this morning.

Cassie: Oh no. That’s between us, Treece. I told you everything’s fine.

Treece: Well, you were crying pretty hard in the car.

Cassie: Okay, Treece, I don’t want to talk about that here. My tears are my business.

Brad: Yeah, boundaries Treece.

Treece: But I care about her emotional state.

Cassie: Treece, zip it.

Treece: Okay fine!

[singing] summer tea this
vacation yes
put on a thong
and spread all of your summer sex

Cassie: Nice! [playing harmonica]

Treece: Alright, how is everybody doing tonight? How about you lovely couple?

Bowen: Oh, we’re not a couple. I’m gay and she’s my psychic.

Helen: Whoa.

Chloe: Yes. And the spirit world is telling me that your harmonica player is hiding something from you.

Treece: I knew it. Spill the beans Cassie Marie.

Cassie: Oh, there’s nothing to spill. And there’s no such thing as psychics.

Chloe: It’s someone with an R name.

Cassie: What?

Treece: What? So there is an R in your life. Is it R. Kelly? Steer clear.

Cassie: It is not R. Kelly?

Treece: Well, that’s good news.

[singing] Tweedledee hot
no days in school
I want to make friends
with somebody who has a pool

Chloe: Treece, I’m so sorry to interrupt, but Cassie is about to receive a Nest Cam alert.

Treece: Oh my goodness. Pull out your phone.

Cassie: Treece, you’re killing the vibe.

Treece: Just do it. [notification] It’s your Nest Cam. There’s someone in your front yard. She was right again.

Cassie: You twp, get out of here with your dental business.

Bowen: Oh no. I paid $4 for both of these seats. We’re not going anywhere honey.

Treece: Who is that in your yard? He’s wearing a t-shirt that says Ronald.

Brad: That’s an R name.

Cassie: Yes. It’s my ex, Ronald.

Treece: Well, that explains the T. Wait, what’s he doing now?

Cassie: He’s in a closet bedroom. Yes.

Treece: What? But that’s my closet bedroom. That’s where I put my fashion wear.

Cassie: He must think they’re mine. He’s going to burn them to get me back for dumping him.

Treece: Oh no, he has my Bottega Veneta fanny pack. You can’t burn that. That’s my Bottega Veneta.

Helen: But it’s a knock off, jeez.

Treece: Oh, you shut up.

Cassie: Treece, it’s just clothes.

Treece: You’re just clothes. and your ex boyfriend is about to Angela Bassett my Bottega Veneta and set it on fire and then just walk away and snap. Now you call them and tell them to stop.

Cassie: Okay, just for you Treece. [calling] Hello Ronald. What did you say to me? No, you’re garbage. I don’t care, burn every piece of clothing in that room if you want.

Treece: No! That was not the plan.

Cassie: I’m sorry Treece, I’ll buy you all new stuff tomorrow.

Treece: You can’t. You’re poorer than me. My Bottega Veneta!

[singing] Tweedledee hot
y’all full of bugs
I’m cutting you off from
all of my summer hugs

Cassie: No!

Treece: Yes!

PSA

Davis…  James Austin Johnson

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Skim… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Natasha Lyonne

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clips of different people]

Davis: My name is Davis. And I’m stupid.

Joanne: Hi, I’m Joanne. And for as long as I can remember. I’ve been a stupid person.

Skim: I’m scare. And my parents are both stupid. I’m stupid. And the grandson is stupid.

Kyle: Nearly one in five US adults live with a mental illness or learning disability.

Natasha: And we are not that. Believe me. They checked.

Davis: I’m just plain stupid.

Skim: I always knew I was different things. Things were obvious to everyone else were always very complicated for me.

Joanne: Jokes have to be explained. Movies have to be explained. Foods have to be explained. Slowly.

Cecily: [speaking on larynx Device] I don’t need this thing. I just thought it sounded cool. I guess that’s stupid.

Natasha: Most people like me go their whole lives without ever knowing they’re stupid. But we’re everywhere. We drive your buses, we run companies.

Davis: I write laws.

Kyle: And I don’t even know what I do.

Cecily: I found out I was stupid walking full speed into a glass window. A stained glass window.

Davis: Sarcasm just sounds like lies to me.

Joanne: Being stupid is not a choice.

Cecily: [on larynx device]It’s not a choice.

Skim: It’s a choice.

Natasha: Just because you are a stupid person doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice. So get out there.

Cecily: Get out there.

Natasha: And vote.

Davis: And vote. Let your voice be heard.

Skim: Vote.

Cecily: Vote.

Kyle: I’m stupid. And I vote.

Natasha: I vote. And I am very stupid.

Skim: Wait. This ain’t my grandson.

Joanne: Because my stupid vote counts as much as anybody else’s.

Cecily: And sometimes, way more like, in my county.

Natasha: So don’t let them stop you.

Davis: Don’t let them confuse you.

Skim: Somebody will say something. And then somebody else says something else. It’s just a match.

Cecily: You can vote. You can buy a gun.

Natasha: You can buy all the guns.

Davis: I watch one channel and I get so mad.

Joanne: My son’s wife is a smart person. She’s tearing us apart. Vote.

Davis: Get out there.

Skim: Vote every day if you have to.

Cecily: It’s not like they ask if you’re stupid.

Natasha: Nobody should have to learn things if they don’t want to.

Skim: I vote for donkey. But sometimes I like elephant.

Cecily: I want a candidate that smiles at me.

Joanne: The computer screen said prove you’re not a robot. So I cut myself.

Skim: Somebody will see a joke. And I’m like, is that real?

Natasha: My screen time is 14 hours a day. But they don’t know. I have another phone.

Davis: Vote.

Skim: Vote.

Kyle: volt!

Cecily: Dance.

Joanne: Vote for a tall man.

Natasha: Vote because they give you a sticker and you can put it anywhere.

Skim: Wait, this is my grandson.

 

Final Encounter Cold Open

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Natasha Lyonne

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with three people being held for investigation in NSA office]

Morris: Well, hello once again. [cheers and applause] I am agent Morris with the NSA and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are a great interest to the US government as the bulk of you have experienced a third verified alien abduction.

Cecily: I mean, this is wild cuz we were just three gal pals road trippin to a hot sauce Expo. Now we’re VIP guests at the Pentagon.

Natasha: Yeah, and I just like to say for the record, Pentagon has always been my favorite shape. So this is a real treat for me.

Fitzsimmons: All right, good to hear. Now let’s start with how you were all brought into the spacecraft.

Cecily: Um, well we had pulled over on the side of the highway just to stretch our legs and suddenly I was like enveloped by this warm blue light.

Natasha: And it gently lifted us up onto the ship like we was floating. Well, then we met these aliens made pure energy. Almost like angels sir. I just about cried.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty?

Colleen: [smoking] Yes, same.

Morris: Oh, really.

Colleen: No, obviously not. Yeah, I wasn’t so much gently lifted as I was yanked skyward by some kind of claw machine device. And mind you, I’m popping squat on the median at the time. So I slide right out of my slacks and I’m being rocketed up to the ship with my coot-coote prune shooting, yeah. I barely managed to pull my Wonder ware backup.

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry, your wonder wear?

Colleen: Yeah, I call them that because if you saw him, you’d wonder where they’ve been. Anyway, so I get dumped on board the bottom of the ship and I see my old pals, a little grey aliens with the big dumb eyes and it hits me, “Colleen, this might be the most stable relationship you ever had.”

Morris: Well, that’s unfortunate. Now once you were on board, what happened?

Natasha: While the aliens, they showed us like the five elemental forces that knit the fabric of reality together. And y’all never believe this but those five forces were arranged in a pentagon.

Cecily: And there’s a universal language that like, bond’s the universe together. The closest word we have to describe it is love.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty.

Colleen: A little different down in third class. I get on board and the grey aliens, god bless them, they’re already standing in line waiting about my knockers around. So I think what the hell, play the hits, right? I started on buttoning my blouse, but I’m still in my skivvies which are real loose. So my yeasty and my beastie are in full view. Listen, not to get too graphic but pubic-ly speaking, it’s is a jungle down there. I got more hair poking out the sides than a hipsters beard stuffed into an n95. I’m not proud of it but hey, why clean the house and nobody’s coming over, right?

Morris: Thanks, Ms. Rafferty for that detailed account? Now? What happened next with the energy beings?

Natasha: Well, aliens showed us how an infinite number of realities can coexist at once.

Cecily: Yeah, and like how, all the different realities converge in this one spot where all the love of every being exists forever. It’s kind of what we would call heaven.

Colleen: What? All right, no, these are these two are hanging with Dr. Strange in the multiverse. Meanwhile I’m stuck with the Madness, okay? Because back in economy, word is out about my hairy squatter and the greys are all buzzed, okay? These clowns are pointing at Madame their hair, and they’re kind of— They’re elbowing each other. Like, “Hey, are you guys seeing this?”

Fitzsimmons: So the group’s reaction was one of excitement?

Colleen: Yeah, like when a dog— Like a dog when its owner comes home from work. Whoo! It was bedlam, okay? They’re running around. They’re waving their arms like Kermit the Frog. Making weird little noises like [making noise] And then one of these little bastards runs up, and I’m sorry Carla, I gotta use you here. Plucks one, yeah. Plucks one right out, start showing it off. And suddenly my curlies have become the must have item of the season. And they’re flying out the shelves. These morons are grabbing and grabbing, climbing all over each other like my bush is the last lifeboat on the Titanic.

Morris: And were you unsettled by this at all.?

Colleen: No, honestly, the entire time all I could think was “Damn, that fortune teller was dead on.” Did you guys get any that pube stuff?

Cecily: No, no pube stuff. Sorry.

Colleen: Hey, don’t apologize. First time in my life, I’m ready for bikini season.

Morris: Wow. Again, very detailed. Well, how are you returned to Earth?

Cecily: So there was another self light that washed over me and I was instantly just back to where I was before.

Natasha: Oh, it was like waking up from an amazing dream.

Colleen: Okay, see now, that really rips my nips. Because I had to climb down a GD rope ladder that was too short. Right? So I dropped 20 feet and I land ass up with my dong haul and my wrong haul out in the middle of a field.

Fitzsimmons: And what happened next?

Colleen: the umpire called timeout. And the mid security staff took me out of the stadium. Look not the most embarrassing thing I’ve done on a Jumbotron.

Morris: That was a riveting testimony. But there is something you should all know. We’ve been in contact with the beings.

Fitzsimmons: They have offered the US government access to some of their technology if one of you agrees to go with them permanently.

Colleen: Well, I can read the room, it’s me right? Sure. Why not? I always kind of felt like an alien on this planet anyway.

[a door opens. It’s dark here and very bright behind the door. Colleen walks to the door.]

Well, Earth, I love you. Thanks for letting me stay a while. [two aliens come out and look around] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

The Fainting Couch

Amelia… Cecily Strong

Kenneth… Benedict Cumberbatch

Christian… Alex Moffat

Henry… Mikey Day

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to Lansdowne house.

[England, 1914] [Alex walks in a room where Ben and Cecily are there.]

Christian: Amelia, Kenneth.

Amelia: Christian, what a marvelous surprise. My brother in the flesh. Well, why of all you’re here?

Kenneth: Shouldn’t you be away in Cornwall?

Christian: I’ve left Cornwall. I have something I must tell you.

Amelia: Let us hear it over tea. Henry, fetch the tea, please.

Henry: Yes, ma’am.

Christian: You see, the Great War has come to England and all of us must fight.

Amelia: No.

Christian: I felt duty bound to do my bit.

Amelia: No. Christian, no. [loses her balance]

Kenneth: Your sister has health spells. Amelia, to the fainting couch.

Christian: So I’ve made a decision. I’m off to war.

Amelia: No.

Henry: Tea, ma’am.

[Amelia spills tea all over the floor]

Kenneth: Look what you’ve done.

Christian: Oh, heaven.

Kenneth: She has missed the couch. Henry, fetch the elixirs.

Henry: Yes, sir.

Amelia: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. It seems I’ve had a tiny spell.

Kenneth: More than a tiny one, my dear. You have a foot?

Amelia: Oh, I’m perfectly fine. Oh, Christian, it’s you. I just had the most frightful dream that you could go in a war.

Christian: That was no dream, Amelia. It’s true. I’m joining the 11th Azores. I’ll be on the front lines.

Amelia: The front lines? Oh, no. What’s happening?

Kenneth: Oh, Amelia. Please. To the couch, my love. Come this way.

Christian: I’m sorry, but she must hear the truth, that I shall leave Cornwall to see glory on the battlefields.

Henry: The elixirs, ma’am.

[Amelia falls and spills all the elixirs]

Kenneth: She’s missed the couch again.

Christian: Again? How?

Kenneth: Well, we need to study her nerves. Henry, don’t just stand there. Bring the sherry. As many courses as you can cut it.

Henry: Of course sir. And don’t worry sir, I’m fine.

Amelia: Oh, heavens. I’ve had a spell.

Kenneth: Don’t concern yourself my dear. Your bluffing brother, it’s his fault for telling us like this.

Amelia: Oh, Christian, there you are. You can still change your mind. Go back to Cornwall. Forget all this war madness.

Christian: No Amelia. The die is cast. You see, I’ve already enlisted.

Amelia: What? Oh! [she’s losing balance again]

Kenneth: This way, my dear. Oh, trash, she went the other way.

[Amelia pulls out the curtain and throws the light stand. Then she bashes everything on the cupboard.]

Christian: She is putting on quite a show, isn’t she?

[Amelia breaks the flower vase]

Kenneth: How dare you? She could die.

[Amelia is walking around the room funnily breaking things]

Christian: Why are you just watching?

Kenneth: It must run its cost. Steady now. Steady now. Steady.

Christian: Oh, come now. She just stepped and rolled right over the couch.

Henry: Your sherry, ma’am.

Amelia: Oh, thank you, Henry. I think I’ll pass. [spilling all the wine he’s brought] Yes, I’m fine.

Kenneth: Splendid. Let’s reinvigorate your constitution. Henry, bring us some soup. Piping hot.

Henry: Piping hot soup. Yes, sir.

Kenneth: Now my dear, are you all right?

Amelia: Yes, I’m perfectly fine. I seem to have a tiny cut on my hand.

Kenneth: Is that blood? Oh! [now Kenneth is losing balance feeling dizzy]

Henry: Soup is ready sir. [Kenneth runs around funnily around Henry] Oh, no. No, please, sir.

Kenneth: Yes. [Kenneth hits the soup bowl and spills it all over Henry and falls down] [he stands again] I’m terribly sorry. Look, the fits run in both our families, you see? Ever since we had a tiny bout of inbreeding for the past 500 years.

Christian: Ah, so these spells could happen to me? I could have them? Well, perhaps I should not go to war then.

Amelia: Oh, yes, marvelous.

Kenneth: This calls for a celebration. Henry, bring out the champagne that are priceless Faberge eggs.

Henry: Yes, sir.

[Amelia, Kenneth and Christian start dancing around]

Roe v Wade Cold Open

Andrew Dismukes

Benedict Cumberbatch

James Austin Johnson

Margaret… Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the draft of his majority opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, Justice Samuel Alito explains that no woman has a right to an abortion, and that, in fact, abortion is a crime. To prove it, he cites a treatise from 13th century England, about the quickening of the fetus, and a Second Treatise that says, if the quick child dies in her body, it would be a great misprision. We go now to that profound moment of moral clarity almost 1000 years ago, which later to clear foundation for what our law should be in 2022.

[Cut to three people in a room. It’s about a thousand years back.]

Andrew: Whatever is the matter. You’re looking flossed in thought.

Ben: It’s nothing. It’s just, while I was cleaning the hole on the side of the castle where we poop and then it falls through the sky into a moat full of human feces, I started to think about abortion.

Andrew: Really, what about it?

Ben: Well, don’t you think we ought to make a law against it?

James: You mean, like the law we have against pointy shoes? Or the law that if you hunt deer in the royal forest, they cut off your genitals?

Ben: Exactly. Something fair and reasonable like those laws. We should make a law that would stand the test of time so that hundreds and hundreds of years from now, they’ll look back and say, “No need to update this one at all. They nailed it back in 1235.”

James: I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t ban abortion in all of England. We could decide it on a fiefdom by fiefdom basis.

Ben: Good idea. That way, if your concubine needs one, you could just send her off to get it in good old, old York City.

Andrew: But if we outlaw abortion, how would we punish the mother? Because she’ll need to be punished. She’ll be so happy about a crime.

Ben: We could always put her in a boat and let her sail off the cliff at the edge of the world. She would of course, tumbled down with the four giant turtles the holding up the earth, and maybe one of them would eat her.

Andrew: Yeah, kind of played out there.

James: I know. What if we get a donkey drunk and we dress it up in her husband’s clothes. Then the next morning? She’s like, “Did I just have sex with a donkey?” And the whole town’s waiting outside like, “Ah, you’re burnt.”

Ben: Maybe, maybe. But what if the donkey get her pregnant and then we’d legally have to protect the fetus. And if the half donkey chili is a man that could become king.

Andrew and James: Ah! The prophecy.

Ben: But let’s be careful. The worst thing that could happen if someone leaks this conversation to the town crier?

Margaret: Knock, knock. Just kidding. We don’t have doors. Anyway, I was outside watching the sheriff throw left handed children into the river. And I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about a new law?

Andrew: Oh-oh. Woman hear ideas and it make her think, “Why I no have those?”

Margaret: Yeah, something like that. So I have a couple of questions.

Ben: Careful Margaret. Don’t make us make another hole in your skull so your brain can breathe.

Margaret: Right. I was just wondering since I’m almost at the childbearing age of 12, shouldn’t women have the right to choose since having a baby means like a 50% chance of dying?

Ben: Yes, but that’s why we’re also offering maternity leaves. When you’re done with 20 years of continuous maternity, you can leave.

Andrew: Shouldn’t we at least make exceptions in cases of rape or incest?

James: But those are the only kinds of sex.

Margaret: You know, I guess I just don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with this issue? Like what about the fact that no one can read or write? Everyone’s dying to plague?

Andrew: Oh, you think just because I have active plague, that means I need to wear a mask? It’s my body, my choice.

Ben: Well, it’s clear to me that we’ve reached the limits of human knowledge. We found the haircut. We know the sun is the moon when it’s happy. We trust the Catholic Church with all our money and our children.

James: Plus we have birth control now. You can’t get pregnant as long as when the man ejaculates, he whispers, “Just kidding.” Well, there’s always plan B, letting 1000 bees sting you.

Ben: Now, let’s all vote. Men, who think we should outlaw abortion forever? Say I.

Andrew and James: I.

Ben: And who’s opposed?

Chris: Me! I’m just playing. I know I can’t vote but, you know, more is gonna be more. You ever get the feeling that this is not gonna be your century?

Kate: Enough!

Ben: My god! An ogre!

Kate: No, no, just a woman in her 30s. But I did eat a weird mushroom in a pile of cow dung, so I can see the future. And worry not dear girl. These barbaric laws will someday be overturned by something called progress. And then after about 50 years after the progress, they’ll be like, “Maybe we should undo the progress.” I don’t know why my visions from that time are very confusing. Seems like all the power comes from a place called Florida. And if you think our customs are weird, you should watch the trial of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Listen, I know it doesn’t sound great, but I guess no matter how many choices they take away from women, we have always had the choice to keep fighting. [cheers and applause]

Ben: That’s really inspiring. And after hearing your perspective, I suddenly realize you’re a witch and we’re gonna set you on fire.

Kate: Alright, wouldn’t be the first time.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Just Like You

Taylor… Chloe Fineman

Sandy… Cecily Strong

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with Taylor using phone in her bed] [Sandy walks in]

Sandy: Hey, no phone. You’re grounded. Remember?

Taylor: Oh my God, I didn’t even do anything that bad mom.

Sandy: Really? Taylor, you came home drunk? You’re 17 years old.

Taylor: Come on, like you never drank when you were my age?

Sandy: In high school? No, not even a SIP. Never.

[cut to flashbacks of Sandy when she was young partying and getting drunk] [cut back to present]

Alcohol was not even on my radar at your age.

[cut to Sandy throwing up]

Boy: Yo, it’s not a party until sloppy sandy pukes

Sandy: I’m okay.

[cut back to present]

Taylor: Well, sorry, I’m not just like you, mom. Sorry. I’m not perfect.

Sandy: I wasn’t perfect, Taylor. I made mistakes. I did things that I regret.

[cut to Sandy having sex with Mikey at the backseat of the car]

Mikey: I can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.

[cut back to prsent]

Sandy: I did a couple things I regret.

[cut to Sandy having sex with Bown at the backseat of the car]

Bowen: Can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.

Sandy: I know, right?

[cut back to present]

Taylor: Name one mistake you made.

Sandy: Okay. You know what? Fine. Here’s one. I failed a test once. It was a big test.

[cut to Sandy being tested for DUI}

Sandy: I’m sorry.

[cut back to present]

Sandy: The point is, I never did anything so stupid, it followed me through my whole life. [There’s a picture of a marijuana leavs having dreadlocks and wearing hippie cap on her ass] [Grandma walks in]

Grandma: Everything alright here?

Taylor: Yeah, grandma. We’re fine. Mom, you want to keep telling me how much of a dum bass I am.

Grandma: Wow!

Mom: Taylor! Can you believe the way she speaks to me? I would never have spoken to your grandma that way.

[cut to Sandy at her young age having argument with her mom]

Sandy: Suck my beef, you old bitch.

[cut back to present]

Grandma: No, we always got along pretty well.

[cut to Sandy and her mom having argument]

Grandma: Sandy, if I catch you smoking cigarettes again, I will shave your fucking hair.

[cut back to present]

Grandma: Now, Taylor, your mom told me got a little while at a party. I’m all for having fun, but call me old fashioned, I think there’s a certain way that a young lady ought to behave.

[cut to when grandma was young. She’s at David Bowie’s concert]

Grandma when she was young: David Bowie! I love you, David. David, my panties. David!

[cut back to present]

Taylor: I know.

Granda: Okay? Let’s have dinner. Love you.

Taylor: You told grandma?

Mom: Of course I did, honey. I’m worried about you.

[Ben walks in]

Ben: What are you worried about?

Taylor: Nothing. I’m fine. I went to one party. Meanwhile, mom’s acting like she never had fun in her life.

Ben: Ha-ha. Well, and I met your mind college, she certainly knew how to have a good time.

Sandy: Hey…

Ben: But she always kept it in control.

[cut to when Ben and Sandy were young at a party]

Ben: How many pills did you take?

Sandy: Three. What is the problem?

Ben: You blew my roommate.

Sandy: I thought it was you.

[cut back to present]

Ben: She’s telling you, it’s only because she loves us so much.

Taylor: I know.

Sandy: I’m just trying to look out for you. Come here. Give me a hug. You know you’re still grounded. But you can have your phone back.

Taylor: Yes!

[message notification]

Siri: Text Message from Ryan. Parents gone. Come over for eggplant emoji.

Sandy: Never mind. You know, I know what this means. Yeah.

[cut to message screen]

Message: You may not have been a perfect person, but you’e a perfect mom. Happy mother’s day.

Truck Stop CD

Kyle Mooney

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Trucker… Jake Gyllenhaal

Darlene… Cecily Strong

Picky… Andrew Dismukes

El Chapo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Kyle ad Ego in Truckstops.]

Kyle: Truckstops have the wildest stuff.

Ego: Yeah, like, the my other car is a gun?

Kyle: And who are the weirdos still buying CDs?

Aidy: Well, truckers that’s who.

Kyle: Oh, very cool.

Aidy: Yeah, this one right here is a collection of hits. My favorite truck driving crooner Johnny Gatlin. Yeah, I’m talking about “Truck you you truckin’ truck”. 42 songs, all about truckin.

Ego: Great. You mind if we just scooped past you?

Aidy: Songs include fender bender in hits like “Truckers life”.

[song]

Trucker: I’m peeing in a bottle and I’m peeing in a thermos
and I’m peeing in a cup and I’m peeing in the bucket
and I’m peeing in a diaper and I’m peeing at the window
The wind blows back in my face.

Aidy: Whoo! Been there, done that. Get your hanky handy for this heart wrenching duet between trucker and truckers’ wife. Featuring Darlene cuisine, don’t go forgettin.

Trucker: Gotta go back down on the road
I’m gonna miss you till I get home.

Darlene: And I’m asking you to remember
You always got to remember

Trucker and Darlene: Don’t go forgettin
Which cup is your drink and which cup is full of piss

Kyle: Are all these songs about peeing?

Aidy: Well, not all. But many of them? Yes. Big part of the lifestyle.

[whooing sound]

Kyle: Okay, what was that?

Aidy: Oh, wow. That would be the dreaded ghost trucker t. little Picky Dickens.

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Trucker:When the fog came rolling in,
and his hog came rolling out,
reaching down his pants,
he starts to touch himself
with the same hand he used to eat
Flaming Hot Cheetos
People say his screams to echo to this day

Trucker, Darlene and Picky: Ghost trucker, ghost trucker
No one can see him on the road
ghost trucker 

Aidy: Oh! And the old children’s classic “Blow that horn”.

Picky: I see your little boy on an iPad in a minivan next to mine.

Trucker: He singles for me to blow my horn and I happily oblige 

Darlene: A smile comes across his face, I’m so happy I can make his day

Trucker: And the car in front of me get startled as hell and they veer off into a ditch

Aidy: Oh, yes. And of course, no collection is complete without the trucker standard, “The hitch hiker”.

Trucker: A hot July day in 2015 down it Juarez, Mexico
I’m trucking along the highway
A hitchhiker on the side of the road
The mustachioed man helps him in the cab
and he’s only five feet tall
Something about him looks so familiar
Then suddenly, I recall
his name’s El Chapo, El Chapo.
Oh god I think I helped El Chapo
He definitely helped El Chapo

El Chapo: I’m El Chapo and this is a certified bump.

Aidy: Truck you you truckin’ truck, available only at loves Truckstops up the I-40.

[Kyle and Ego sneaks out from behind her]

All: Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker
Ghost Trucker, ghost trucker

Tombstone

Host… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Greg… Kenan Thompson

Curly Bill… Alex Moffat

Johnny Ringo… Andrew Dismukes

Wyatt Earp… Mikey Day

Doc Holliday… Jake Gyllenhaal

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Host in her set]

Host: Hello and welcome to Lights Camera at you, a look back at some of the sickest performances in film history. From Tom Hanks in Philadelphia to Tom Hanks’s girlfriend in Forrest Gump. Tonight we focus on the role of duck holiday, made famous by Val Kilmer in Tombstone. The Southern Gentleman cowboy who keeps his raging tuberculosis a secret. But did you know another actor played duck holiday even sicker just a year before? Take a look at this scene from the 1992 film “Cough Cough Bang Bang”.

[Cut to the scene. A guy enters a bar.]

Kyle: Well if it isn’t Earl, my favorite bar tender in the whole west. You got a free drink for your pal, don’t you Earl?

Greg: My name is Greg. And my god, that’s Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo. Their gang has been terrorizing the whole southwest.

[Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo walk in]

Curly Bill: Alright, listen up. We heard no law man by the name of Wyatt Earp is holed up in this here town.

Johnny Ringo: If you see him, tell him Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo want to pay our respects.

Curly Bill: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Wyatt Earp: [turns around from the bar booth] Well, you can tell me yourself.

Curly Bill: Well, well, Wyatt Earp. Where’s your little lap dog, Doc Holliday?

[Doc Holliday walks in]

Doc Holliday: Well, I do declare to be a lap dog and a yellow Billie chicken. [coughs huge amount of blood on his handkerchief]

Wyatt Earp: Are you okay there, Doc?

Doc Holliday: Oh yeah, just have a little tickle in my throat, bunch of blood on my face and handkerchief. Which means I’m on the man. Now, if I’m not mistaken, you must be Curly Bill, which makes you the infamous Johnny Ringo. Word is you’re the fastest gun this side of the Mississippi. [starts coughing hard]

Wyatt Earp: Hey Doc, are you sure you should be out in public?

Doc Holliday: Of course not.

Wyatt Earp: You just seem like visibly sick.

Doc Holliday: Nonsense. It’s just allergies.

[Doc Holliday coughs so hard that his blood is spilled all over Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo]

Curly Bill: Come on, man. At least cover your mouth.

Doc Holliday: Why? Are you afraid something witty might come out and make your brain actually work for change?

Wyatt Earp: No, man. He’s worried about catching whatever insane illness you have. Sweat is pouring down your face, man.

Doc Holliday: That’s ridiculous. I have a normal body temperature of 108. [farts hard] Now can I interest any of you gentlemen in a game of cards?

Kyle: Thank you got some kind of intestinal issue there, Doc?

Doc Holliday: Some mixed nuts ought to settle my stomach.

Greg: Hey, stop touching the nuts.

Doc Holliday: I told you, I am not contagious. It’s just a case of the sniffles.

[Doc Holliday coughs so hard that his blood is spilled all over Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo again]

Johnny Ringo: What the hell, dude?

Wyatt Earp: Dude, do you have ebola?

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Hey there, Doc. Ready for round two?

Greg: Round two? You slept with patient zero over here?

Chloe: I think he’s just sweating because I got them all worked up.

Doc Holliday: I confess I’m feeling a stern in my britches, which means I’m either aroused or I need to change my diaper again.

Wyatt Earp: You’re wearing diapers now?

Doc Holliday: My doctor said a lot of 30 year olds wear diapers. Did anyone else see that roll snake at the cookout last week?

Greg: All right. Get the hell out of here. Coming in here with a snake flu, drinking from my cups and having sex with my white daughter?

Johnny Ringo: You know what? I’m gonna end Doc Holliday’s life right now before god gets the satisfaction.

Doc Holliday: Well then, I might as well have one last drink. Earl, You got any orange pedialyte?

Greg: This ain’t no CVS.

Doc Holliday: Fine. Then let’s see who’s really the fastest gun in the West. One… two… [farts hard] … three!

[Johnny Ringo shoots Doc Holliday]

Wyatt Earp: I can’t believe it. You killed Doc Holliday! I mean, I guess it was more like euthanasia.

Greg: Well, yeah. That’s cuz Doc didn’t have a gun. He just pulled out a bottle of pills labelled Valtrex.

Chloe: Oh my god, he had herpes too?

Doc Holliday: On the bright side, you’ll always have something to remember me by.

[Cut back to Host]

Host: I liked it. For Lights Camera at you, I prefer to remain anonymous. Goodnight.

Spring Flowers

Mr. Greene Tom… Kenan Thompson

Pink flower… Chloe Fineman

Orange flower… Jake Gyllenhaal

Yellow flower… Cecily Strong

Red flower… Chris Redd

Honey bee… Bowen Yang

Weed… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Mr. Greene Tom watering the flowers in his garden]

Mr. Greene Tom: All right, my beautiful little spring bulbs. You’re getting bigger every day. And it looks like you’re thirsty for sprinkle.

Pink flower: Thank you Mr. Greene. We love those little sprinkles.

Orange flower: I know I love em’ a lot.

[Red flower blossoms]

Red flower: Excuse me. I’m a little confused. Yesterday I was just above in the earth. And now I’m different.

Yellow flower: Welcome to the flower bed, friend. We wondered when you’d arrive.

Pink flower: Yeah. You’re a late bloomer.

Orange flower: Not sexually. Just as a flower.

Yellow flower: You’re gonna like it here. Just about everything is perfect because

[singing] It’s spring, well everywhere, but I hope

Orange flower: Because there is still a lot of snow

Pink flower: but spring has finally sprung

All: Yeah, spring has finally sprung

Red flower: You’re right. I do like it here.

Hooray for spring and zing and Easter things

All: Spring, spring, spring, spring, spring

[A honey bee comes]

Honey bee: Hey everybody, what are we talking about?

Orange flower: We were just saying how wonderful spring is Mr. Bee?

Honey bee: Oh, yeah, spring is the best. Love Spring. [Honey bee starts to rub his bottom on Orange flower and moan. It looks sexual.]

Orange flower: Hey, wait. What are you doing?

Honey bee: What? I’m just doing what bees do. It’s okay.

Orange flower: It doesn’t feel okay.

Pink flower: It looks like you’re having sex with his head.

Honey bee: No, no, I’m just getting pollen on my my legs or whatever. It’s all very natural and necessary.

[Honey bee jumps to Pink flower]

Pink flower: Wait! Don’t do me after you just did him.

Yellow flower: [disgusted] Can you believe this?

Red flower: I know! It’s like, when is it gonna be my turn?

Honey bee: Oh, I’ll get to everybody.

Red flower: Oh god, it tickles.

Honey bee: Shut up, shut up. I’m close.

Orange flower: What do you do with all this pollen anyway?

Honey bee: I basically squeeze a load of goop out of my butt and then people eat it. Pretty kinky, right?

Mr. Greene Tom: Ay! Get out of here, you silly bee! Don’t you be bothering my pretty flowers.

Pink flower: Wow, thank goodness that’s over.

[weed pops up]

Weed: Yeah, pretty harrowing, right?

Orange flower: Wait, who are you?

Weed: Just another flower. Like you guys?

Yellow flower: Are you sure you’re not a weed?

Weed: I’m a flower. Hey, can I choke you a little bit?

Pink flower: Choke me? No.

Weed: Okay. Why not though? I think you might like it.

Orange flower: Hey, get away from us, weirdo. You’re not a flower. You don’t belong here.

Weed: Oh, you don’t think I belong here? You don’t want me in your little gated flower community? Are you hearing this ball?

Red flower: Ah-hah.

Weed: Come on! Just let me choke you.

Pink flower: Stop!

Yellow flower: Can you believe this?

Red flower: I know. It’s like, when is it going to be my turn?

Mr. Greene Tom: Ay! Go away, you stupid weed. Take that! [puts medicine on it]

Weed: Ah! You can kill me but you can’t kill the revolution.

Pink flower: Wow. A lot happens in this garden bed.

Red flower: At least today hasn’t been all bad. We’re all together and there’s not a cloud in the sky.

Pink flower: Wait. There is a cloud.

Yellow flower:  Why is the cloud so furry?

Orange flower: And why does the cloud have a dog penis? [a pug is on the garden]

Mr. Greene Tom: Mr. Peanut, don’t do that on my flowers.

[pug pees on flowers]

Pink flower: Ah! what is that? What is that hot liquid?

Orange flower: It’s so salty.

Red flower: I don’t mind.

Yellow flower: I’m getting out of here. Oh my god! I don’t have legs. Where are my legs?

Pink flower: Make it stop!

Orange flower: It’s so dark! this dog must be dehydrated.

Red flower: Ah! When is it gonna be my turn?

Mr. Greene Tom: Get out of there, Mr. Peanut. Oh my poor flowers are soaked.

Pink flower: Wow, I guess maybe being a flower isn’t always cracked up to be.

Yellow flower: Don’t say that. Don’t you ever. It’s been a long gray winter and people need us. Our beautiful colors and our sweet aromas. Even if right now we don’t exactly smell so good.

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Orange flower: Yeah, right. Look at the smile on Mr. Greene Tom’s face right now.

Mr. Greene Tom: All right, let’s see which one is gonna look good on the vase buys on my table.

[Mr. Greene Tom cuts off a flower]

Orange flower: [screaming in pain] Ah! Ah!

[green blood is spilled all over other flowers.]

Pink flower: Oh, they killed Jake Flower-haal.

Yellow flower: Oh my god. Is that who that was?

Weed: Man, this garden is crazy. Can I choke you a little bit?

Red flower: Finally, ha-ha-ha.

Dinner with the Dean

Vanessa… Cecily Strong

Louis… Jake Gyllenhaal

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Vanessa talking to Andrew and Chloe]

Vanessa: So then Louis says, “If you could only cook as well as you could argue, we could fire the chef.” And I said, “Well, Louis, if you could make love as well as you argue, we could fire the gardener.” Ha-ha-ha-ha

Louis: Alright, dear, I think you’ve had enough. You’re boring our guests so much, they’ll think we’re even duller than when they got here.

Andrew: Oh, well, thank you, Professor Williams and your wife, Vanessa Williams. It was an honor to get a dinner invitation from the Dean of–

Vanessa: Junior Dean.

Louis: Yeah!

Andrew: Junior Dean of the Fine Arts Program here at Beige College. But we really should be going.

Chloe: Yes. You see, it’s well past nine and we’re trying to have a baby.

Vanessa: We almost had one of those once. Remember, dear?

Louis: If I recall, it was all your fault.

Vanessa: How dare you, you washed up piece of–

Louis: [Grunts] Watch it, old girl.

Vanessa: Or what? You’re worried I’ll tell them about your art?

Louis: Darling, I’m warning you.

Andrew: Oh, Professor, I just thought you were a historian. I didn’t know you were an artist as well.

Louis: I’m not.

Vanessa: Oh, don’t be modest, Louis. Show them. Show them your art.

Louis: It’s not ready yet and you know that!

Vanessa: You’ve been saying that for Vanessa5 years. Show them or I will!

Louis: Vanessa Joan Williams, you’re turning over very thin line.

Chloe: Well, I do love art.

Vanessa: Ha! Then you’re in luck. Well, which one should we look at first?

Louis: I said they’re not finished! Now, sit down or I will sit you down.

Vanessa: Oh, here is a good one. You were working on this one the day we met.

Louis: The day the sun went out. Now put it away.

Vanessa: [holding a painting] He told me he was painting it for his father. He was going to show it in Paris.

Louis: Give it to me, you witch.

Vanessa: I was going to be the wife of a famous artist and we’d have a baby right after. Let me show them.

Louis: It’s not finished, you childish shrew! [Vanessa slaps Louis] Oh! Oh, the devil is a woman!

Andrew: Oh, we don’t have to see it. Not if you’re going to hit each other over it.

Vanessa: No. You need to see what my husband could do if he had the stuff to finish anything. [the painting is of a dog reading newspaper. The headline says “Man bites dog!”]

Chloe: Oh. Oh, my.

Louis: It’s not finished. I never got the expression right. And the writing on the back of the paper is just squiggles.

Andrew: Well, I think the painting is great the way you have it, but we really should go.

Vanessa: No, no, no. Sit down. The art show is just getting started. You need to see the reason my husband never gave me a baby.

[Vanessa shows another painting of a pug holding a lightsaber.]

Louis: It’s not finished.

Andrew: What more would you do to it?

Chloe: And why is that why you don’t have a baby?

Louis: He locked himself in his studio night after night, screaming, torturing himself.

Louis: You’ve got a lot of twisted thoughts in that head of yours.

Vanessa: Don’t interrupt, dear. I’m telling our guests about the dark places you would go so you can make art like this.

[It’s a picture of a dog sitting with a robe on holding a TV remote and a bowl of popcorn.]

Andrew: That one’s a photograph, right?

Louis: Well, it’s not finished, but yes, it is. Photos are art, too. Now, let’s stop this and get my wife another drink. It’s the only way to plug her mouth.

Vanessa: Or we could look at your self portrait. I call it “Why I Don’t Have a Baby. [It’s a painting of a dog painting]

Louis: Put it away! They don’t want to see that! It’s too dark! Oh! Oh, that’s why I never sold anything. They’re all too dark.

Andrew: And that’s you?

Louis: Yes, it’s me and my studio, but it’s not finished.I was going to add a thought bubble that said, “It’s a living.” But what does it matter now? Are you happy, dear? You’ve shown them what a heartless creature you are and what a failure your husband is.

Vanessa: And that’s why we can’t escape each other and why we can never have children.

Louis: Cheers to that.

Chloe: And why again is that keeping you from having children?

Andrew: Stop asking that.

Vanessa: Here’s your answer. Look at this one. [It’s a picture of a jacked dog]

Louis: That one actually is finished.