Weekend Update Undecided Voter Cathy Anne

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

Michael Che.

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With the presidential race so close, the election might come down to the undecided voter. So, here is one that’s always yelling outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Cathy Anne slides in]

Cathy Anne: Hey, hey. Michael Che! Okay now, I just wanted to point out, I am an undecided voter but I’m also an uninspired voter. Oh, and you can have that one for free.

Michael Che: So you really don’t know who you’re gonna vote for?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: You’re gonna tell me I gotta pick between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, oh man, no thank you. I’m keeping Robama.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Robama? That– What? Who are you talking about?

Cathy Anne: I’ll tell you what the problem is. Politricians–

Michael Che: Tricians?

Cathy Anne: — are all narcissists, Michael Che. Now, I can never be a politician [Cut to Cathy Anne] because I am not a narcissist, okay? I have a very realistic view of myself and my problems. Go, number run, here it is. Here it is, folks. I’m too testing. I go from 0 to 60 like that [snapping her fingers] okay? And I have a pretty bad history with drugs and alcohol. [Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne] Yeah! Oh yeah! You better believe that. That explode the hell out of that. Yeah.

Michael Che: Are you okay?

Cathy Anne: No! Well, you know who I feel bad for?

Michael Che: No.

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: Donald Trump’s beautiful wife Nelamia. Yeah, and his beautiful daughter Kevana.

Michael Che: Who?

Cathy Anne: Although, you know what? I would buy me some of Kevana suits. Yes, I would. But to be honest, you know what? I have a pretty bad problem.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne. Cathy Anne puts his left foot over the table. Het whole foot and shoe is broken.]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Cathy Anne: Hey! Whoa! Hey! You know what? At least I’m honest. We’re not having problems unlike Hillary Husine Clinton.

Michael Che: Husine?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: If I had demonia (she means pneumonia] like her and I was best friends with creditor or Robamacare, oh you better believe I would go there with my demonia. Oh, yeah.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: I understood like three of those words.  So is there anything that the candidates can do to get your vote?

Cathy Anne: Yeah! They can show me they know how to have a good time. Hello, you can’t trust nobody that don’t know how to have a good time.

Michael Che: So your min problem is they’re not having fun?

[Cut to Cathy Anne]

Cathy Anne: Hillary Clinton is never had any damn fun. Are you kidding me? I mean, did you see her at the commencement, come on! What the hell kind of nerd life do you have to live where you’re 70 years old and you are that excited to see a balloon and you’re not a junkie. I mean– [Cathy Anne shakes her head and stares here and there] You remember!

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: I do remember. I remember. But what about Donald Trump? He seems like he’s always having fun.

Cathy Anne: No. No. Donald Trunk says he’s having fun. Yeah. He says it all the damn time. [Cut to Cathy Anne] But you know what? If he ain’t hanging out no Mexicans and no blacks and no gays and no women, then he ain’t having no damn fun. And you know that well!

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: It’s true. We are fun.

Cathy Anne: You know what? A bunch of people in a room that look like him, that ain’t no damn party. That’s my payroll hearing. And that wasn’t fun. Dodged it. They did not think I had change.

Michael Che: Wait, you’re a felon? You can’t even vote.

Cathy Anne: No. Well, [Cut to Cathy Anne] I am in a fugitive type of situation. And my innocence will be prevailed in the end. I’ll show you.

[Cut to Michael Che and Cathy Anne]

Michael Che: Alright, I’ll look forward to that. Cathy Anne, everybody!

Cathy Anne: Thank you. Robama! Robama!

[Michael Che laughing]

Michael Che: It’s not Robama.

Colin Jost: Robama.

Michael Che: Who is Robama?