Kaylee, Crystal & Janetta

Mikey Day

Kaylee … Aidy Bryant

Janetta …Kate McKinnon

Crystal … Cecily Strong

Jean … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Gerald … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar] [Cut to the bar. There are two ladies yelling at other people.]

Mikey Day: Hey, hey, hey, I know you all are regulars but you’re getting too rowdy, okay? And your friend is dancing too wild, [Cut to Kate McKinnon Dancing wild on the jukebox] all right? I’m getting complaints.

Kaylee: Oh, okay. What is this, the Ritz-Carlton? What’s wrong with Janetta? What’s up with you, Janetta?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: I met by my ex-boyfriend.

[Cut to three ladies]

Kaylee: What? That’s the only kind of good boyfriend there is.

Crystal: Ex.

Kaylee: So, which one?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: Gerald. From the guitar center.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Kaylee: Oh, the one we all slept with and now hate.

Janetta: Yeah.

[Cut to everyone]

Kaylee: Oh, Jenny! Where have you been?

Jean: Hell, good! [Cut to Janetta and Jean] My brother Tren just got out of three nights’ prison, left the police to seat middle at in the yard he had planned with. He did a big old surprise with a dynamite.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Sheet metal is no doubt.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Janetta: I tried to throw a piece of sheet metal on my ex-boyfriend. And I guess wind got underneath it, blew that sucker, bow, right back in my face.

Jean: Screw him. You don’t need no man. None of us do. Look at us. We want love? We can find it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Easy.

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Jean: Don’t say nothing about cake to me today.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Why, Janey girl?

Jean: I tried to get a cake today [Cut to Janetta and Jean] at Walmart. They wouldn’t write on it what I wanted on it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: What you want on that cake?

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to everybody]

Jean: A threat?

[A man walks by. The girls are checking him out.]

Kaylee: That’s Gerald from the guitar center.

Jean: He got some nerve, walking in here looking like sex on a stick on his tight jeans.

[Cut to Gerald drinking beer at the bar]

Janetta: You know what? I don’t are. [Cut to the ladies] I’m not bothered by him at all.

Crystal: Yeah, me neither.

[Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Hey, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies. They are yelling at Gerald.] [Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Um, soak it in ladies. Take in all my sexy. It’s not my fault y’all fell in love with this. I would too.

[Cut to the ladies]

Crystal: No, don’t even try to smooth this over.

Gerald: Hey, I told you, [Cut to Gerald] monogamy wouldn’t work in my world.

[Cut to everybody]

Gerald: Girls, I’m sorry. But I want to give this piece of trash a whole mess of pain.

[Other ladies are hooting for her] [Cut to Jean and Gerald]

You act like I said bad things, okay? I miss you. You smell so good, it’s like menthol cigarettes and bar lines. Which one of us do you like best? Please say me. [Jean punches Gerald] Well – Kaylee, your turn.

[Cut to everyone. Jean takes the seat and Kaylee walks to Gerald]

Kaylee: Okay, I hope you live through this.

[Other ladies hooting for her] [Cut to Kaylee and Gerald]

Did you get my email? Where I gave you my work schedule with all my little lunch breaks? Because I was hoping we could squeeze out a little quicky during one of those times. Because I miss your beefy fingers.

[Kaylee hits Gerald with a bottle on his head]

But yeah, yeah, [Cut to everybody] I hope that this gives you a headache just for all the ones you gave me.

[Janetta walks to Gerald]

Janetta: All right. This is my turn. [Other ladies hooting for her] [Cut to Janetta and Gerald]

Hey, act like I’m choking you. Remember when we walked out on the dock? And you said, “Look.” And I did. And it was the – and I laughed about it. And you kissed my laughing open mouth? Well, I want that back, man. You’re dead to me. [Janetta hits Gerald with a bullseye board] Crystal, finish him off.

[Cut to Crystal bringing up a guitar to hit Gerald]

Crystal: Yeah. Yeah! [Crystal hits Gerald with a guitar and breaks it] Oh. Hey. Hey. You remember what we talked about the night you left me? I changed to my mind, okay? I will give you a backstage pass. Now get lost and stay there.

[Cut to everybody]

Kaylee: We showed his ass ladies.

Crystal: That, we sure did.

Janetta: To sisterhood.

Jean: Well, I got to get out of here. I got a date with your son.

Kaylee: Okay, have fun. Tell him I folded his laundry.

[Ends with a video clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]

Cut for Time New Play

Kenan Thompson

Billy Bethwerk … Kyle Mooney

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Cecily Strong

Jameson … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Evolve Rehearsal Studios]

Kenan Thompson: All right. [Cut to the rehearsal] Welcome everybody to the first day of rehearsal for a Shout Unscreamed. [Cut to Kenan and Billy] The wonderful new play by the brilliant and prolific Billy Bethwerk.

Billy Bethwerk: Thank you. This one is very personal to me . I dropped it several times. But the main character wouldn’t leave me alone. She kept talking to my head in my dreams until she forced her way on to the page. I’m excited to share her with the world now, as it were.

Kenan Thompson: Okay. Are you done?

Billy Bethwerk: Um, yeah. For now.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: It is such a great play man. Roles like this don’t come on and get off. I could cry right now but I’m going to save it for acting.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, it’s really– it really is exquisite writing. It’s just so full and rich.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Yes, I just want to dive right in. [Cut to Cecily Strong and Phoebe Waller-Bridge] Because I think the world is hungry for this kind of art and while it not be a meal that will go down easy, it is an important and crucial meal.

Cecily Strong: Like breakfast, or really any of the three main ones.

[Laughter] [Cut to Kenan and Billy]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Well, let’s begin, shall we? And again, it’s our first rehearsal. [Cut to everybody  standing up] So, let’s just get it on it’s feet and see how it feels. All right? Okay. Small suburban home in Nebraska, Emma Thirdy is at the sake. Her husband Tod, Thirdy’s white, and her sister Claire, Thirdy’s woman, watch from the doorway.

Jameson: Emma, please look at me. I know you’re mad at your sister but she’s here because she cares about you.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: [Speaking with strong accent] Oh please, think clear. [indistinct] after my baby’s mother and husband’s wife.

[Phoebe Waller-Bridge walks near Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]Might I remind you your [indistinct] somebody had to keep carrying your baby.

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]And you remind me that [indistinct] die.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]You wet yourself, girl.

[Cut to Kenan very confused]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, that was so good. I just want to ask some questions.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: Yeah, all these characters are from same place, right?

Cecily Strong: Yeah, you know, actually I’m glad this came up and I hate doing this as a fellow actor but he’s not doing a Nebraskan accent. And it’s supposed to be Nebraska, right?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is there a reason you’re not doing it? You saving us or something? Because to me personally would really help if we all sounded the same.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yes, everybody should sound the same. Like kind of closer to what Jameson is doing.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: Yeah, I’m actually from Nebraska.

Cecily Strong: Really? [Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong] That sounds strange in my ear, but if that’s what you want.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: We’ll just match what he’s doing.

Cecily Strong: Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Great! All right. Claire pushes Tod aside and gets in Emma’s face.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] Emma, the one who call you [indistinct] murder, he was the judge. You even remember that day or you too high or meth?

Jameson: Hey, come on! The baby.

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]Hey dirty, you bitch. [Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong] Emma, [indistinct] Claire scratches on the floor.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]Are you crazy? She [indistinct] her.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, let’s stop.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: What? Because it’s getting quite intense?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, no, no. That’s not why. You were both starting to reach the stage directions.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Are you talking about the Italian in the brackets?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: The Italics? Yes. Yes. That’s what you don’t read.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: At all?

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Not even in our heads?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: In your head is fine I guess. You know what? I’m still having a tiny issue with the accents.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Whose?

Cecily Strong: His?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Your’s.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Oh my god. You know what? I’m realizing, I think what we’ve done is we’ve confused Nebraska with Alaska because Nebraska is down here and Alaska is up here.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh! We could also just do like standard mid-west. Like, anybody got an extra long cigarette? Typical mid-west girl, I’m always dying for a smoke.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: That sounded a little Australian.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, no, no. That was mid-west.

[Cut to Billy and Kenan]

Billy Bethwerk: Oh my god, this is not going to work. Is this what they did in their audition?

Kenan Thompson: No. I did not make them audition ass. They are established actresses in the UK. British actors are having a moment right now and honestly they beige me. I think that we can salvage this.

Billy Bethwerk: How? We only have eight weeks.

[Cut to the show’s play board] [Cut to the play]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] We all would be bitter off if you had died [indistinct].

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]There [indistinct] is finally [inaudible 00:04:33] .

[Jameson runs into the play]

Jameson: [Speaking in strong accent] What my dear? [indistinct] house on fire?

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] [indistinct]