Dwayne Johnson
Sasheer Zamata
Cecliy Strong
Aidy Bryant
Kate McKinnon
[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]
[band is playing music one the stage]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.
[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]
Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. You know, I feel very blessed to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live for the 4th time.
[cheers and applause]
Now, 4th time feels right to me because I’ve actually been in a lot of sequels and I have added some extra, [showing his fist] umph, to franchises. Like, The Mummy, Journey To The Center Of The Earth, GI Joe and of course, The Fast and Furious. [cheers and applause] And some folks in the industry have even referred to me as…
[music playing]
[Dwayne Johnson grabs a mic and backup singers walk in behind him]
“Franchise Viagra”. So, tonight I just want to send the message to Hollywood producers out there who are looking to beef up their next sequel. I’m available.
[singing] If you’re looking for that extra special something
you wanna make sure the Box Office is bumping
need the baddes Mo-Fo since Charles Braton
add dashing Dwayne and a pinch of Johnson
Yo, check this out,
put me in Frozen, or Avatar 2
Don’t need no CGI, just paint my ass blue
make another Home Alone, where I’m the kid
the burglars take a look at me, and they’re like, “Shit!”
Sasheer: Zero Dark Thirty, Bin Laden was toast
Dwayne Johnson: Zero Dark Thirty-one, I kill his ghost
Coz I’m–
Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Cecily: What about the new Batman?
Sasheer: I can play Bane
I’ll even play Bruce Wayne
you know what? Hell! I’ll even play Michael Kane
Back up singers: That’s insane!
Aidy: Be the 4th Amigo.
Sasheer: The 7th sense
Kate: The 8th Samurai
Dwayne Johnson: And the next president.
Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Cecily: Fifty Shades of Grey?
Dwayne Johnson: I’d do a 50 a day.
Kate: Sister Act 3?
Dwayne Johnson: Put that habit on me
Sasheer: Toy Story 4?
Dwayne Johnson: Let’s make 20 more
Aidy: Another Smurf movie?
Dwayne Johnson: No!
[audience laughing]
[music stops]
Aidy: Okay, that is fair enough.
Dwayne Johnson: [music starts] Oscar movies this year, didn’t make no dough
even Birdman could use people’s elbow
Cecily: Boyhood 2?
Dwayne Johnson: The kid is jacked
Aidy: The dead gets rude
Dwayne Johnson: Then the dead gets smacked!
Sasheer: The Theory of Everything but it’s good looking
[Cut to Dwayne Johnson making his ‘The Rock’ eyes.]
[music stops]
Computer voice: Can you smell what Stephen Hawking is cooking?
[mus starts]
Back up singers: Franchise, franchise
franchise, franchise
Dwayne Johnson: Franchise Viagra!
[money raining on them]
Whoo! We have got a great show for you tonight. George Ezra is in the house. So, stick around. We will be right back.
[cheers and applause]