Dwayne Johnson’s Franchise Viagra Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Sasheer Zamata

Cecliy Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. You know, I feel very blessed to be back here hosting Saturday Night Live for the 4th time.

[cheers and applause]

Now, 4th time feels right to me because I’ve actually been in a lot of sequels and I have added some extra, [showing his fist] umph, to franchises. Like, The Mummy, Journey To The Center Of The Earth, GI Joe and of course, The Fast and Furious. [cheers and applause] And some folks in the industry have even referred to me as…

[music playing] [Dwayne Johnson grabs a mic and backup singers walk in behind him]

“Franchise Viagra”. So, tonight I just want to send the message to Hollywood producers out there who are looking to beef up their next sequel. I’m available.

[singing] If you’re looking for that extra special something
you wanna make sure the Box Office is bumping
need the baddes Mo-Fo since Charles Braton
add dashing Dwayne and a pinch of Johnson

Yo, check this out,

put me in Frozen, or Avatar 2
Don’t need no CGI, just paint my ass blue
make another Home Alone, where I’m the kid
the burglars take a look at me, and they’re like, “Shit!”

Sasheer: Zero Dark Thirty, Bin Laden was toast

Dwayne Johnson: Zero Dark Thirty-one, I kill his ghost
Coz I’m–

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: What about the new Batman?

Sasheer: I can play Bane
I’ll even play Bruce Wayne
you know what? Hell! I’ll even play Michael Kane

Back up singers: That’s insane!

Aidy: Be the 4th Amigo.

Sasheer: The 7th sense

Kate: The 8th Samurai

Dwayne Johnson: And the next president.

Back up singers: Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra
Franchise Viagra

Cecily: Fifty Shades of Grey?

Dwayne Johnson: I’d do a 50 a day.

Kate: Sister Act 3?

Dwayne Johnson: Put that habit on me

Sasheer: Toy Story 4?

Dwayne Johnson: Let’s make 20 more

Aidy: Another Smurf movie?

Dwayne Johnson: No!

[audience laughing] [music stops]

Aidy: Okay, that is fair enough.

Dwayne Johnson: [music starts] Oscar movies this year, didn’t make no dough
even Birdman could use people’s elbow

Cecily: Boyhood 2?

Dwayne Johnson: The kid is jacked

Aidy: The dead gets rude

Dwayne Johnson: Then the dead gets smacked!

Sasheer: The Theory of Everything but it’s good looking

[Cut to Dwayne Johnson making his ‘The Rock’ eyes.] [music stops]

Computer voice: Can you smell what Stephen Hawking is cooking?

[mus starts]

Back up singers: Franchise, franchise
franchise, franchise

Dwayne Johnson: Franchise Viagra!

[money raining on them]

Whoo! We have got a great show for you tonight. George Ezra is in the house. So, stick around. We will be right back.

[cheers and applause]